If Only You Could See What I See
by FrogsRcool
Summary: I wanted to follow her. So bad. She was the most interesting person I'd ever seen in my entire life and I didn't even know why. Brittana
1. What Makes You

**a/n: Hey ;) Here's a new Brittana for everyone. I have a feeling you're going to like this. I'm already writing chapter 4, so it all depends on your reaction and what you think, and I'll give you updates :) And I'm working on my other updates too. Going to finish Summer Surgery and starting a new chapter for Stranded with Dinosaurs. All right, well enjoy :)**

**Chapter 1 : What Makes You**

I'm not really sure what makes people who they are. Or what makes people say the things they say. Or what makes people love the people they love.

I love my sister. She's younger than me. That's not why I love her though. My mom told me once that because I was older than my sister she looks up to me, and I need to be careful with what I do and what I say, so she doesn't pick up on bad habits. So if I ever have another bug picnic in the backyard I need to tell her specifically not to eat the bugs. The worms are only pretend pasta and the rollie-pollies are not black beans for the tortillas. Then again, I think ten years of growth and experience might have taught her that.

So age has to be involved when it comes to feelings for people and reasoning for things. But what happens if I don't admire all of the people that are older than me? Or what happens if I admire some of the people that are older than me, but I don't want to be like them? That'd be totally weird if I did. You go girl Kim Kardashian, but I'm confident in saying I won't be making a video like _that _anytime soon. Let's just say the Charter bundle my parents bought was a little…shocking_. _Channel surfing is now scratched off of my list of hobbies. Maybe it cost extra for parental control. And whose idea was it to name a movie 'The Hills Have Thighs'. Totally not what I was expecting it to be. I probably would have watched it if I wasn't worried someone would have walked in the room and caught me. That would have been stressful. I'm sure my sister would have been too oblivious to notice at first and I probably could have gotten away with it and changed the channel quickly. But my dad. Oh God. He would have pretended not to see anything, I would have quickly changed the channel, and then he would have sat on the opposite couch and pretended like nothing happened by striking up a pointless and random conversation. But if my mom would have walked in. Terrifying. I don't even want to think about it…

There's no way I want to grow up to be like my parents. They're good parents, but my mom smokes like a chimney and my dad laughs at things that aren't even funny. And it's not a normal laugh that makes others want to laugh along with him. It's completely opposite of contagious. One second it's dead silent and the only thing you can hear is your ears trying to find something to listen to, and then the next second he's laughing like I imagine an elephant would laugh. It's kind of scary. Don't get me wrong though, because that's probably the only semi-negative quality he has.

Anyway, my sister admires me yes, but she's nothing like me. So admiring someone doesn't mean that you do what they do and say what they say. I can watch the same movie every night, but she can't watch a movie more than once. Her room looks like it exploded and I have to keep my room clean or I'll lose things. I have a dresser with three small drawers in the middle. At first I thought about just using each drawer for a different type of underwear, but then I only ended up having two types of underwear. So then I just organized my undergarments by color. Light. Medium. Dark. My sister keeps her underwear and bras on her floor. She also has two super good friends and I have a whole bunch of people I know. I think it'd be weird to have a best friend. How would a best friend be any different from the other friends I already have? Do I have to tell them secrets?

I don't have secrets.

I'm pretty sure I would just tell people whatever they asked, if they asked.

As for other family that I could admire, there really isn't any. They live out of town and I haven't seen my grandparents, aunts, and uncles in over ten years. My aunt invited me to visit during the summer in a birthday card, but I couldn't bring myself to show my mom the invitation. It'd be awkward. My aunt is like a complete stranger to me. What would we have even talked about? Instead I stayed in town, hung out with friends and worked.

"Hey." Someone tapped my shoulder.

The interruption scared the shit out of me. I whipped around so quickly that the gallon of milk I had been clutching to my chest slipped out from my arms like a bar of soap.

When it hit the ground, it looked like the milk was vomiting. The cap shot off and nearly half of the gallon exploded onto my boots and onto the bare toes and flip-flops of someone standing near me.

"Oh my God." I gasped and dropped to my knees. I reached for the milk, but when I tried to stand it up, it sloshed and more milk slipped through a crack near the handle.

My knees started to get cold. The milk was already soaking through my sweats. For a second I considered sitting on the milk with my butt and letting my pants soak up the rest of the puddle, but I don't think my sweats could hold that much liquid. And then I'd get milk in my car and it would rot my seat. It would rot just like it had done when I left a bowl of milk under my bed for Lord Tubbington and he spilt it. And then my room had started to smell like tuna, because I had never gotten the chance to sneak the bowl out of my room without someone noticing.

I blamed it on my sister, because milk gives Lord Tubbington the runs and my mom told me to stop feeding it to him. _How else am I supposed to get him in the room when I want to watch a different TV show then my mom, and they're all out in the living room eating spaghetti?_ But I lie bad. And my sister is lactose intolerant. So it couldn't have been _her_ bowl of cereal in _my _room, under _my _bed.

As I stood up I craned my neck to see whose feet I had covered in milk. A girl was staring at me. Her eyebrows were cocked just like Tina's get when I say something without first explaining myself. Except this girl wasn't Asian. I glanced back down at the girl's feet…They were drenched. She needed a towel. I looked around for a second, then remembered grocery stores don't usually hang spare towels in random places. I'd have offered to sit on her feet and let my sweats soak up the milk, but I didn't do that for obvious reasons.

But now that I was standing, the milk that had already soaked into my sweats was starting to drip down my shins and pool at the part of my sweats where they had been stuffed into my boots.

Stupid rain boots are useless.

"I'm so sorry." I looked up from my milk-stained sweats and made eye contact with the girl. I couldn't tell if she was annoyed, sad, or angry. Now both of her eyebrows were lifted and wrinkling her forehead.

I glanced back down at her feet just to gawk at how much milk she was standing in, and as my eyes ran back up her body, they dragged across a cheerleading uniform. "You're a cheerleader?" I asked once I made eye contact again. Her eyes were so pretty. Bright and dark at the same time. People have told me that I have pretty eyes, but she has me beat by a long shot.

"Yeah." Finally she smiled. Or maybe it was a smirk. "Sort of." Was that sarcasm?I can never tell.

I was a little startled when she answered. I had wanted to only think the question, but I guess I actually had said it.

"Shit Fabray." A guy walked up next to us. He worked here. He had an apron on and one of those silly green poloshirts that make all the employees look like they belong to some sort of golf-worshipping clan. Then they stock shelves and purposely stand in front of the ketchup when you need to grab it, or put their cart of yogurt in front of the yogurt cooler so you're not sure whether to grab the yogurt from the cart or from the fridge behind it.

Except this guy had a mohawk, so maybe he wasn't as weird as the rest of the clan. He looked like he would at least step back from the ketchup so there wasn't an awkward pause and an awkward 'excuse me'. "What'd you do?" His attention and eyes remained on the blonde cheerleader. Was she going to get in trouble? Was he going to kick her out? Make her pay for the milk?

I looked down at the puddle.

"I'm so sorry. I dropped it on accident. It was slippery." I immediately jumped in and spoke up. I didn't want him thinking she dropped it. She was probably already mad enough that I got milk all over her.

I could feel my face heating up. From embarrassment. From the thought of getting in trouble. From him calling me stupid or clumsy or something like that. At least the store wasn't busy, and at least the only people in sight were right in front of me and had already seen what I had done.

The guy with the mohawk shot his fist up to his mouth and laughed.

"Knock it off Puck." The girl slapped his shoulder.

He stopped laughing right away, but pinched his lips and crossed his arms. "Well you break it you buy it." His eyes trailed over my body.

I could feel my cheeks burn even brighter. In any other circumstance it would have looked as if he were checking me out, but I highly doubt that that's the case since I'm wearing milk covered sweats and rain boots. My sister told me I looked like I was going to smash cranberries as I was walking out the front door. And to make things even worse I neglected to fix my hair so I at least had a normal ponytail.

My mom had asked me to run to the store right when I had finished getting ready for bed. Now I could feel the weight of the bun bobbing at the top of my head. Sumo-hair. It drives me insane when my hair touches my neck when I'm trying to go to sleep.

"Uhm. Okay." I looked down at the magazine in my hands. I had planned on buying three things, and now that I had to pay for two milks, I wouldn't be able to afford the magazine. That's okay though. I get paid soon so I could get the magazine after my paycheck. Except I'm going to be super bored on break at work tomorrow.

I stepped toward the magazine rack I had grabbed the magazine from and set it back into its spot.

When I turned back to the spilled milk, the guy (Puck?) was setting up a wet floor sign and the girl was taking a step back from the slowly growing puddle. Had he called her Fabray? That's a weird name. Puck's a weird name too.

She looked up at me. "It's your turn." She gestured to the open check out counter with a nod of her head. That's when I noticed her hands were full. Alcohol? She was buying beer? But she's a cheerleader.

I turned toward the check out counter before she caught me trying to analyze her and her ability to buy beer. But it was my turn. The cashier had been staring at me, but when I looked at him he pretended to be looking at a crossword in front of him.

They were so lucky their boss let them do crosswords during work. But I guess it's almost midnight, and kind of slow right now. At my job we can't read anything or even have our phones out around customers. But it's a little busier at Shuester's than it is here and I doubt I would even have time to do a crossword at work.

"You can go." I stepped back. "I need to get another milk."

I glanced again at the puddle. That mohawk guy was still standing by it. My face started to burn again. I could feel my cheeks begin to flush and heat lick behind my ears. Nineteen-year old girls aren't supposed to drop milk at the grocery store. Five year olds are. And old ladies who open the cooler door when the milk is leaning against the glass and not sitting in its spot properly. I hate when I do stupid things. If Tina were here at least she'd laugh at me or something. Then maybe I wouldn't be standing here like a complete moron.

"Puck," the girl snapped her head toward the guy. "Grab her another milk." She turned to me. "And don't listen to him. You don't have to pay for it. He's just being stupid."

I wasn't sure how to respond. I just stared at her, waiting to see if she was serious.

"Hey Finn." Puck looked up at the boy behind the register. I looked up at the cashier and he set down his crossword. "Ring her up for a gallon of milk. I'll be right back."

The cashier nodded, gave a dorky smile towards me, and pushed a few buttons on the register. He pushed the buttons almost like he was expecting a gumball to roll out after he finished.

I stepped towards him. It kind of felt like I was walking up in front of a classroom full of students and the teacher was going to pants me in front of everyone. Except I was just walking up to a check-out counter and the only person looking at me, and the only person who I'd seen in the store besides the employees, was the Fabray girl.

The cashier was tall. I'm a little taller for a girl, but he's definitely a lot taller for a boy. Cute though. In a shy kind of dorky way.

I glanced back at the girl just as she stepped over the puddle and moved closer to me. She set her six-pack of beer on the counter and I snapped my attention away again, before she noticed me staring. My face was still burning and I wanted to say thanks to her, but I wasn't sure if I was supposed to or if I'd look stupid for saying thank you.

"Finn hand me a paper towel." She mumbled.

I peeked to my left and saw her tapping and shaking her feet against the linoleum floor.

"Yeah. Of course." He ducked under and into the weird little cashier cove he was in and popped back up with a roll of paper towels. He extended the roll in front of my face and she snatched it from him.

Again from the corner of my eye I watched her tear a few sheets of the towel off, set the roll next to her beer, and lift her feet to wipe them off.

"You're not allergic to milk are you?" The thought triggered faster than I could wake up from a bad nightmare.

She took a second to answer and I started to think she hadn't heard me. But she answered as stood straight up and finished drying off her feet. "No." She hushed her answer and I swear I could almost hear a subtle laugh behind her answer.

I snapped my attention back to the cashier when I saw a smirk start to form on her lips.

"Oh wait," she spoke again. She grabbed for the magazine I had set back on the rack and handed it to me. "Don't forget this."

"Thanks." I took it and handed it to the cashier. "This and…" I held up my palm and read the words scribbled across my hand, "_Basic Menthol Light 100's."_

He looked up from the magazine I'd handed him like I'd said something I wasn't supposed to. "You smoke?"

I held my palm back in front of me. "Basic Menthol Light 100's." I read the purple gel ink for a second time.

"Are you even old enough to buy cigarettes." The cashier questioned me. His eyebrow rose with the corner of his mouth.

I dug into my sweatpants pocket. My fingers brushed damp, milk coated, fabric at the bottom of my pocket before I pulled out my I.D. and handed it to him.

He started to read over my I.D. It looked like he didn't even know what he was looking for or how to tell how old I was. Finally he handed it back. "All right, Brittany." He smiled. "You know you kind of look like you're buying it for a friend."

"Oh, I'm not." I shook my head.

He pinched his lips and held them to one side of his mouth. "Well, I'll be right back. The cigarettes are up at customer service." He stepped away from the check out counter and headed in the opposite direction that Puck guy had gone.

He left me alone. With her. With the cheerleader and her ruined flip-flops. I had been a cheerleader in high school. I know how they are. I know how they think, what they say when their friends aren't around, and worse, what they say when their friends are around. And seeing as how there's only one high school within a few hundred miles of here I don't want her somehow finding out she goes to school with my sister.

I turned toward her before she had a chance to say something to me. "I can get you a new pair of flip flops. My boss owns a shoe store across from where I work. He usually gives me a discount on stuff." And I had a gift card, but she doesn't need to know that. It doesn't count as buying something for someone if you get it for them with a gift card.

"Does he?" She responded. That smirk returned.

"Ye-ah…" I spoke in between a gulp so the word broke as I said it. "I really am sorry. If you want to meet me on my break tomorrow. Or whenever."

"You work at Shuester's?" Her smirk grew.

"Yeah." I was a little taken aback, but thankful I hadn't stuttered when I had said _yeah _this time. How'd she know that I worked there? Maybe she'd seen me before. "On Larson Street. You know where it is?"

"Definitely. I've been there a few times." She said. Her smirk was starting to unnerve me. I probably had milk on my face. Or worse, on my shirt and it was now see-through. I stole a glance at my shirt…no milk. Good. "When's you're break?"

"One." I answered quickly.

The cashier returned. "Here's your smokes. Better tuck those in your pockets before Puck returns with your milk or he'll make a comment about smoking menthols," he said and cringed his teeth in a way that said he was completely serious, but trying to play it off as teasing me.

I took the cigarettes and did as he said. I stuffed them into my pocket, and for the second time brushed my fingers against the bottom of my milk soaked pocket.

"Oh come on." The blonde scoffed. I turned to her and saw her roll her eyes. "You guys are ridiculous. Especially Puck. At least they smell good." She pointed to my pocket when she said _they._ "Better than those trashcan things he smokes."

Was she standing up for me? I barely know her. Who knew all you had to do was spill milk all over someone and they'd support cigarettes. It was weird. Being in the middle of their conversation. Or argument. Or random statements. Whatever they were. Did they forget I had a sumo bun and rain boots?

"Who smokes what?" Puck returned. He nearly dropped the carton of milk on the counter and looked to the girl. He was now standing inches from me. I could smell his cologne trying to cover up the cigarettes she must have been talking about. They didn't stink _that _bad…I guess.

"You and your nasty little cigarettes."

"Hey babe. I'm not picky." He defended himself. Suddenly I felt less like a part of the conversation and more like they were talking about things only a group of friends could understand. Not things a weird ass girl in the grocery store could understand. "If it's cheap then I'm whatever about it. Besides I'm not the only one who smokes. You have no problem hanging with Santana."

I turned back to the cashier and watched as he dragged the gallon of milk over the scanner. Now that they were talking about someone else, I felt even more like a creepy eavesdropper.

"First of all, she's not a chain smoker like you are." The girl behind me continued. I handed the cashier a ten-dollar bill. He kept smiling at me, tight lipped and cheeks lifted. It was kind of cute. He was kind of cute. "And she smokes things that smell good." The cashier handed me a few coins as my change. I held my hand like a bowl as he poured the pennies and nickels into my palms. "And second, no, you're not _picky_. I think you're right when you use the words cheap and whatever."

"Here's your receipt." I glanced at his nametag as _Finn _handed me the receipt. That girl had called him that before like she had known him. So had that Puck mohawk guy. At least Finn wasn't involved in their conversation, and as awkward as his staring is, it's better than him ignoring me and talking about cigarettes.

"Did you just defend and talk shit about Santana at the same time?" Puck questioned.

I glanced back at the two. At the girl. I was right. All cheerleaders were the same. "So I'll see you tomorrow at one?" I confirmed with her and interrupted their argument.

Her eyes drifted toward me. She looked a little dazed, as if she had forgotten I was there. My cheeks started to heat up again.

"Oh," she nodded her head. "Yes." Her smile returned. This time it was less of a smirk. "What'd you say her name was again Finn?" The girl peeked over my shoulder at the lanky cashier.

"Brittany." He and I had said in unison.

Her chest rose with a short laugh as her eyes moved between the cashier and me. Her smile grew. "I'll see you tomorrow Brittany. Should be fun."

"Okie do…" I stopped myself. "Okay." I grabbed the milk and magazine, hugged them to my chest, smiled, and then scurried away.

XXXxxxXXxx

We were all sitting in a booth. The four of us. In one of those horseshoe shaped booths. The ones where everyone had to scoot in and around into their spot and nobody could get out to go to the bathroom without making literally everyone get out before them.

We were folding napkins for the evening dinner service. It was one of those rare times when all four of us girls were actually working at the same time. Usually someone was on break, or came in late, but seeing as how this was the first weekend of the summer, Will wanted everything to be perfect. Tonight was going to be busy.

Shuester's is hard to describe. People ask where I work. That's the easy question. Then they ask what I do, and that's a little more difficult to answer. I kind of do a little of everything. Fold napkins. Serve food. Sometimes I hostess. I have only been the hostess twice. I'm not really sure I like doing that. I have to stand by myself and it gets a little lonely and I get fidgety. And then Will has to tells me to stop wandering back to the kitchen to sneak fries or back to the bar to chat with the other girls, and to stay at my podium. If I'm not at my podium nobody will know where to sit.

Oh, and sometimes I work at the bar. Actually, I usually work at the bar. That's fun. Confusing and overwhelming when it's busy, but I like it. People leave huge tips and pouring draft is easy as long the glass is tilted the right way. And the mixed drinks are kind of fun to learn and if I mess them up it's not like the customer will really say anything the majority of the time. How do they know how a kamikaze is supposed to taste?

And I don't mind folding napkins either. We're opening at eleven for lunch, even though I've been here since eight, and there has to be a perfectly folded cloth napkin at each place setting.

The employees get here at eight to clean and prep. We open for lunch, and then set up for dinner during the slow hours. Then at about nine when dinner slows down, the bar picks up and on the weekends we stay open and insanely busy until around three in the morning.

"You're folding them the wrong way Brittany." Rachel spoke. I looked up and across the table at her. Her hair was in a lose braid and she was wearing the exact red flannel shirt I was wearing.

Cowboy night.

Friday and Saturday nights we do themes. It's the best job ever. Not only do I get to dress up, but Will pays for all of it. It's awesome.

I inspected my napkin. I didn't think there was a wrong way to fold it. Couldn't you just turn it the other direction if it was folded wrong?

"When it points to the left the flap needs to go over the clasp, not under." She tried to explain, but I still didn't see how I could possibly have done it wrong. It's just a napkin…

"Oh hush Rachel." Mercedes tossed her folded napkin into the middle of the table. "There's not a wrong way."

I looked up at her. She had already put her cowboy hat on. I still hadn't even braided my hair. I didn't even know how to braid my hair. I'm sure if I tried and tried and tried I could kind of make it look like a braid, but it's way easier to just have a bun or a ponytail or wear it down. My mom used to braid my hair every night when I was in grade school before I went to bed and I'd wear it to school like that, or she'd braid it before my motocross races, but I feel kind of weird and childish asking her to braid it when I'm not even in high school anymore. But that's why I never learned. She just used to do it for me.

"There is a wrong way. Will specifically asked us to do it this way. We might as well just clump them up and toss them on the tables like they're already dirty." Rachel scoffed and continued to play with her own napkin. "I've shown you how to do it countless times Brittany…" She trailed off.

"Anyways," Mercedes looked away from Rachel and to me. "Just tuck the left side before the right side after you fold it the first time." She spoke only to me.

I nodded in understanding and slowly slid my _wrongly_ folded napkin to the middle.

"You're not going to refold it?" Rachel stopped mid fold.

"It'll be like a special napkin. I've only folded two so it'll be like getting a golden ticket in Willy Wonka, except I'm pretty sure nobody will notice since the napkin looks _exactly_ like the other ones and isn't gold."

Mercedes snorted her laugh and scooted an unfolded napkin towards me.

"Did you guys hear who's coming back?" Tina questioned as I started my third napkin. She was sitting next to me. The other two were across from us and on the other side of the horseshoe booth.

_Fold in half. Tuck the **right** side. Now tuck the left._

"Oh my gosh, yes!" Mercedes gushed. "I can't believe it either. I thought those girls were gone for good. Does anybody even know why they left?"

"I thought they had been fired." Tina looked around the table at all of us. Then she lowered her voice. "Something about sleeping with a customer after he left a pretty large tip."

"Ha!" Mercedes' laugh filled the empty bar. "No. Well, I wouldn't put it past _Hoe-Pez _but that's unlikely."

What the hell were they talking about? I slowed my napkin folding, just so I didn't miss something.

"Mercedes it's that kind of name calling that got you suspended last year." Rachel placed yet another perfectly folded napkin in the middle.

"I went on vacation." Mercedes spoke so monotonically and deadpan that it kind of freaked me out a little. How could she go from laughing and rattling the bottles behind the bar, to being so serious and straight faced.

"Oh." Rachel nodded her head trying to dismiss the conversation and grabbed another napkin.

"But both of those girls are so loaded with money I don't even know why they're working here." Mercedes continued. "If my dad had that kind of money and I lived in a house half the size of either of those girls, I'd stay indoors all day and polish every expensive thing around me. That way when I had parties you all'd be jealous." She said jealous as if she were saying gelllllll-us. "Get my glam on."

"Why don't you just ask them why they left?" I asked. It seemed like a simple solution.

"No way," Tina answered. "They're all right sometimes. But it's not worth the hassle if you're not entirely sure your question won't piss them off."

"Oh I'm not scared of them." Mercedes' voice rose just a little.

"I'm not saying that." Tina responded, then looked back to me. "Just be careful. They're not exactly the nicest girls you'll ever meet."

"Can we please stop talking about them?" Mercedes made it a point to let everyone see just how annoyed she was. She shifted in the booth and dramatically flipped and folded her napkin.

"You're just mad because now you're going to lose some of your numbers." Rachel shrugged. "Didn't Will cut two of your songs this weekend?"

My eyes nearly popped out of my head. Did she really just say that? I held my breath and waited for Mercedes to go all she-hulk and flip the table.

Mercedes let out a heavy sigh. "As much as I hate to admit it, you're right." She looked to the brunette sitting right next to her. "We all lost some stage time."

I didn't really see why they cared. It's not like they got paid more money to sing. Maybe bigger tips if they caught the attention of a few of the customers and then went back to the bar to serve drinks, but that's it. It's not like they set up an empty guitar case and sang on the stage.

They only sang songs during the busy nights. It was what Shuester's was known for. The _Troubletones_. Lame name yes, but it's what the local newspaper started calling the girls after a few extraordinary performances and a few sketchy rumors. That and it was known for playing pretty decent music the rest of the time. At least, that's what I've heard.

There were only two other bars in town. A gay bar, and a strange little Irish pub that nobody went to because awhile back a few customers got food poisoning from something called bangers and mash. I blame the customers. They should have known better than to eat something with the word bangers in it.

"I don't really mind." Tina reached for another napkin. "I only lost one song. Then again, I only had two songs in the first place. But it'll be nice to have the extra help. It was a little too busy for just us girls. And they're quick."

Maybe they all accepted me right away, because I didn't steal any of their stage time. I'm pretty sure I'd barf and faint at the same time if I were to sing on stage. Especially if it were in front of people.

"Tina has a point." Rachel added. "I worked with both girls last night. Aside from one of them slipping out to the store in the middle of our costume fitting, everything seemed to run smoothly."

Will walked up. Sweater-vest. Macaroni hair. Those words always came to mind whenever I saw him, right when I saw him. It's the only thing I could think about during my interview with him. I was just thankful that I had to ask him to repeat only one of the questions. After the first time I asked him I made it a point to pay attention.

"Girls." He clapped his hands together and rubbed them. "You excited for tonight?"

Rachel smiled and nodded vigorously. "Yes we are. In fact I've altered a few chords in the number I'm singing tonight. I need to run through it with you as soon as you're available."

"Uhm." He examined the napkins and then turned towards the stage that was tucked in the back corner of the bar. It was hidden right behind the dance floor. "I'm free now. And I think Brad just pulled in."

"Wonderful." Rachel scooted out of the booth and stood up. "After running through it a few times I found the music for the verses to sound a tad uninspired." She linked her arm around Will's elbow and started to nearly drag him toward the stage. Her voice died down the farther she got away. "I didn't want opening weekend to….-"

"Finally." Mercedes sighed and tossed yet another napkin into the middle of the table. "I love the girl, but only in very tiny doses."

Tina agreed. "She's-"

But Tina was cut off by the echo of Will's voice. We all shot our attention toward the stage. He was talking to us through the microphone. "Do you three want to take a break from the folding and help the ladies out back?" He smiled. "Thanks."

Rachel took the microphone from him and then flicked her wrists and pointed for him to get off the stage and sit in a nearby table.

"Oh sweet baby Jesus." Mercedes groaned and scooted herself out of the booth. "This should be fun."

Tina crawled out of the booth after Mercedes and I followed the two of them through the bar main floor. We weaved around the bar's counter, headed back into the kitchen, and as we past our break room I told the girls to wait a second so I could grab my water. While I dug through my purse to find the bottle, they whispered and cautiously complained about the two girls that were starting up again tonight. Could they both really be that awful?

"Come on Brittany." Mercedes tried to hurry me. "The sooner we get this over with the better."

"Get what over with?" I stood up and shook the bottle of water in my hand like it was some kind of trophy. They didn't care though. It only mattered to me that I'd found my water.

"Introducing you." She stepped into the break room and linked her arm through my elbow just like Rachel had done to Will moments ago.

I switched my water into my free hand. It took a few tries to unscrew the cap with Mercedes clutching onto my other arm, but I eventually got it.

We again were weaving through the back kitchen and towards the loading room. It was a huge room with huge garage doors so the semi trucks could drop off food, beer, or whatever Will had decided to order. The room kind of reminded me of an empty warehouse. A tiny warehouse, but it was so very empty, barren, and the concrete walls and floor always made it way chillier than any other place in the bar.

"Remember when Quinn first met me. She asked why Asians were taking away all the jobs in America and bitched until Will gave back one of her _plentiful_ solos that he had already promised me. I didn't even get to sing until a weekend she called in sick." Tina now whispered. "She wasn't even sick."

Our footsteps echoed through the loading room. The garage door was completely open and the sun was blinding. I'd almost forgotten it was the beginning of summer since we'd been cooped up inside all day.

"There you are." A female's voice snapped at us. _Okay, so maybe they were right about her being a bit snappy and bitchy._ She was outside and leaning into the back of a small truck. It looked like a tiny baby semi.

I lifted my water bottle to my lips so I could finish off the rest of it. My mouth was full and I was half way through a swallow when the girl leaned out of the truck.

My throat stopped working. It's because I had tried to gasp, but instead swallowed the majority of the water in my cheeks down the wrong pipe. I opened my mouth to get air, but ended up coughing and spewing the rest of the water that wasn't stuck in my throat everywhere.

I spun away from everyone so my back was to them. Hacks consumed my body. My chest trembled and shuddered as I tried to breathe. _I'm going to die_…Then I remembered that I'd choked on a jawbreaker before and lived, so there's no way water is more dangerous if I'm not actually in an ocean.

Tina's hand started to pat my back. How wonderful. How humiliating. Why did it have to be her and why did I decide to have water in my mouth at the exact moment I walked out? It's not bad enough that I dropped an entire gallon of milk all over her feet, but now she'll think I can't even carry liquid without dropping it, let alone drink it without choking on it.

I moved the crook of my elbow up to my mouth and coughed into it. The water was out of my throat. It'd been out of my throat quite a few deafening coughs ago. Now I was just trying to stop the irritated itch in my throat. My eyes were filling and overfilling with tears. My nose was on fire. There could possibly still be water in my nose. And every time I took in a gasp of air it felt like swallowing sandpaper.

"Geez. Do I look that bad?" The female voice teased.

I spun around quickly to deny and assure her that that wasn't the reason I was incapable of acting normal and that she didn't look bad. Tina stepped away from patting my back and I glanced to her and Mercedes. They looked half amused, half apologetic as if they knew what was about to happen, yet had no intentions of stopping it. It looked as if they were watching a train wreck. But not a normal train wreck. A train wreck where something humiliating happens at the end. Like the conductor finds out someone stuck butterfly stickers all over his back while he wasn't looking but only after he walked in front of everyone.

I shook my head no, coughed, and made eye contact. For the second time in less than twenty-four hours I was taken aback by how pretty her eyes were. She wasn't the girl they were talking about was she? How could anybody with such pretty eyes be the slightest bit mean?

She stepped toward me with a medium sized brown fabric bag in her hands. It was the bag that the cleaners used to put our clean bar towels in. "Brittany right?" She pushed the bag towards me and didn't step back until I grabbed it from her.

I nodded my head and held back another cough that was begging to slip up from my throat.

"I'm Quinn." She stepped back toward the truck.

I hugged the bag to my chest, just like I'd hugged the gallon of milk and magazine to my chest the night before, and nodded my head again. I didn't know what to say. What should you say to someone in this situation? Should I ask her how her feet are? "How are your feet?" The words slipped past my lips before I could stop them.

She didn't hesitate to answer. "Better." She pulled out another brown bag and handed it to Mercedes. Both Mercedes and Tina looked lost. Their mouths were gaping and their eyebrows were hitched. "I wore sneakers today just in case."

I looked down at her shoes. She was wearing sneakers. White ones with black-lacey shoelaces.

She knew last night. That's why she was smirking when I told her where I worked.

"I think I'm working in the bar with you right." She pulled out yet another duffle bag and walked towards Tina. "We're still getting shoes on your break right?" Her eyes shot over to me.

Green. Her eyes were so green. I just nodded again. It's best to keep quiet in these kind of situations so I don't blurt something embarrassing or bizarre.

"That's perfect actually. I need some heels for tonight." Quinn headed back to the truck. She wasn't wearing her cowboy stuff yet. She also wasn't wearing a cheerleading uniform. Not that I expected her to just wear it wherever she went, but since when can high school kids work at a bar?

"Wait." Mercedes finally shook herself out of her trance. "You two know each other. How come you didn't say anything earlier Brittany?"

I just shrugged.

"We met last night." Quinn answered for me. She grunted and leaned further into the back of the truck. "At the grocery store." Her voice echoed inside the trailer.

"I got my milk on her." I was finally able to speak. Or the words forced themselves out. I'm not sure which.

Everyone snapped their eyes in my direction. Everyone that wasn't Quinn, because she was still straining to reach another bag from the towel truck. Tina raised her eyebrows and I immediately knew that I needed further explanation.

I shifted the brown bag that was in my arms and got ready to explain, but Mercedes spoke before I had a chance. "So where's Satan's spawn?"

"Yes, where is Santana?" Rachel marched outside and bumped into my shoulder. "She needs to figure out what song she's singing tonight so I can prepare properly."

"Please tell me that's not who I think it is…?" Quinn groaned from inside the truck's trailer. I could feel the disappointment in the way she spoke. She used a tone that only someone who had met Rachel before would use.

I grew up with Rachel. It was awful. Well, it was sometimes awful. Sometimes she's okay to be around, but she usually makes me feel stupid and she doesn't even have to call me stupid to do so. But sometimes she's nice.

"Quinn." Rachel greeted and folded her arms across her chest. I could swear she even lifted her nose in the air.

"Rachel." Quinn matched her exact tone and way of speaking. It wasn't to assert her dominance or anything like that. It was more a way of mocking her.

"Is Santana out here with you?" Rachel repeated the question. "Will said both of you were back here. So where is she?" Rachel looked around for a second before she continued. "I have this fear of her just somehow appearing and then shanking me with a shiv, because she was _waiting _for me to imply something bad about her."

"Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice." I couldn't help but smile as the name came out loud and disjointed. I looked first to Rachel who I had visibly startled. She had her palm pressed to her chest. "Clearly she's not out here, or she would have been forced to show herself." I continued with the joke, seeing as how nobody seemed to catch on.

I thought it was funny.

Finally I saw Tina and Mercedes exchange a soft smile.

"Bathroom." Quinn stepped towards us with the final laundry bag clutched to her own chest.

Instead of pausing in front of us and talking, she brushed right by us and straight towards the open garage door. We all skittered to follow her back into the loading room. Me, Rachel, Mercedes, and then Tina.

"Come on little duckies." I turned back to steal a glance at Rachel and smiled as our line weaved through the kitchen. I didn't turn and look forward until she returned the smile.

Rachel may be a total prude, entirely controlling, bossy, and high maintenance, but she still needs someone to cheer her up. She needs someone to acknowledge her. To let her know she's there, and that at least someone (even if that someone is just me) notices when she's stressed out. It's weird that a person as smart and as demanding as Rachel can't even see herself. She's forceful with her personality, because she thinks people don't see her, when if fact she's usually the first one people notice when they walk in a room.

I told her she was an ox and a moron once. I thought I understood the meaning, but she still got offended I think, because she just stormed off. But I only meant that she makes her personality so big and so noticeable that people are overwhelmed by it and don't even notice _her _at all. All they see is this huge annoying pink screaming cat. Or maybe that's just her being ironic. I'll have to ask someone what the difference is.

But I can't even imagine her nerves right now. Rachel's a perfectionist. When I forgot my shoes one night she begged me to wear her spare boots, because she wanted our shoes to match since we were both serving on the floor. So I suffered three hours of horrible foot cramping and pretended to be a Chinese foot binding woman, just so she would stop freaking out. But I'd rather just go along with what she asks, than cause a problem, because watching her sing that night and watching the audience give her a standing ovation that night was well worth a night's worth of foot pain.

It must drive her insane how laid back and careless we are sometimes. She _thinks_ thatother people singing before her, or the way the napkins are folded, or the clothes she and everyone else are wearing have something to do with the way she sings. It is completely silly. There's no way I can hear Tina's song she already finished singing when Rachel is on stage. And there's no way I am upset about finding a backwards napkin when all I can think about is how amazing her voice sounds. I'm not even sure what makes her think that she needs to be that in control of her life. Thinking about it gives me a headache.

We passed the break room. Quinn spoke again. "Santana got a phone call and just went inside." I could sense a bit of annoyance in her voice. That annoyance was confirmed with her next statement. "She left me to do all the work. It was probably just a confirmation for a nail appointment or something stupid."

"If she left this bar I vote we all ostracize her. I,…-we, can't afford to all work around _her _schedule and wait for _her _to be ready." Rachel spoke from behind me.

Nobody answered her. I thought about answering, but all I could think about was Beetlejuice _apparating _like Harry Potter and poking me in the belly with a razor he'd taped on the end of his wand.

"So Brittany…" Quinn spoke from the front of our line. She pushed open the door that led into the bar, but only held it open with her foot until I had kicked it further open for Rachel to catch. Quinn set her bag on the bar counter. "How long have you worked here? You must have started right after I left?"

I hefted my laundry bag next to hers. "Will hired me for seasonal work, and then just ended up keeping me."

"Yeah because the customers are like in love with you." Mercedes laughed as she set her bag next to me. "That homeless guy who sleeps outside the library comes in _every _night she works and insists she always brings him his drinks. He'll bark if someone else talks to him."

"Patches?" Quinn laughed. "Is that what he spends his panhandling money on?"

"What does he even talk to you about?" Tina rounded the bar and took a seat in one of the stools.

"I don't know." I tried to remember our last conversation. "Usually I can't hear him over the music. I just nod and smile. Sometimes I say something random if it looks like he's waiting for a response. It depends on the night I guess. Oh!" I remembered something he had said. "He asked me my name once, but then insisted that I let him call me _Mine_. Then we talked about Finding Nemoand seagulls." I reached for my scrunched water bottle I had set next to the laundry bag. "He hasn't seen it though and I told him that he'd totally fall in love with it and that fish don't have homes either, because their home is the ocean. He related and then reminisced."

"Oh my wow." Quinn laughed. "You _are_ perfect. This place could have used you a long time ago."

"Thanks." I clasped my hands and twisted my hips back and forth. She's definitely nice. The other girls must be confused. "I thought you were a cheerleader?" I finally had the chance to figure out what the hell was going on, and how she could possibly be in high school and working here at the same time?

"Costume for here." She smiled with her admission.

_Duh…That was a dumb question._

All five of us talked for a while. It was fun. I was surprised Will let us chat for so long, but we had an hour before we opened and there wasn't really anything left to do. Even Rachel talked and didn't repel us with the mere sound of her voice. Of course she talked about her song, but she also asked Quinn what she had planned on singing. _You Keep Me Hangin' On. _

Mercedes asked Quinn where she had been. They all acted shocked when she said she hadn't moved somewhere with that Santana chick and that she had just spent a few months in Paris with her parents. I guess it was just a coincidence they had both been gone the same amount of time. That made sense.

I tried to stay as long as possible. I wanted to sit and gossip. I liked how they all smiled at me. I especially liked how they all looked at me, because Quinn knew me and was being nice after they had all talked about how awful she was. But I had to pee.

"Be right back." I interrupted Tina's question to Quinn and darted towards the bathroom.

Instead of heading into the back and towards the employee bathroom, I headed for the customer bathroom. It always smelled good in there, and since there wasn't any customers yet it didn't really matter.

I power walked up and past Will's chair near the stage.

"Brittany!" He called toward me.

I stopped, spun, and clenched ever muscle in my lower body. "Yeah?"

"When you head back to the bar I need to take inventory of the alcohol. And I'll need you to bring out some of the bottles from the back. Southern Comfort. They need to be chilled for tonight."

"Cowboy night." I responded. "Can do." I spun back towards the bathroom and raced off before he could ask me something else. I can always talk to him when I come back out.

Instead of pushing the door with my hands, I just ran into it with my shoulder. The door opened and froze for a second just before it started to ease back shut.

"No Papa." Someone's voice filled the bathroom. But it was soft and swelling. Like a whisper that refused to keep quiet.

I froze.

"Are you sure I can't just-," The voice stopped mid sentence. I thought she had noticed me and I'd been caught, until she continued to speak. "When do you have the day off? Can you fly me up there?"

The tone in her words was hypnotizing. I think that's what kept me from sneaking back out of the bathroom and away from the possibility of being caught listening in on her conversation. Her obviously _private_ conversation, since she was hidden away in the farthest stall in the bathroom and talking so very softly.

How she spoke wasn't quite raspy. It was warm. Warm like a duvet that you fold up next to the fire and then snuggle up in bed with. And kind of warm like peppermint, even though peppermint makes your mouth cool after you eat it. Things like voices are so incredible and sometimes when I find someone's voice that I like I ask them to tell stories and things like that just so I can see and watch them talk. Without even being able to see her, because she was in the farthest handicap stall, I already knew she was one of those people I'd want to watch talk.

"Sorry papa." She paused. Her words husked, kissed, and filled the bathroom. "I'm not begging no." She laughed.

I didn't like the way she had laughed though. It was forced. Rehearsed. Embarrassed.

I needed to leave before she walked out.

And then she walked out. She walked up to the mirror, but didn't look in my direction. She just looked at her reflection.

The first thing I noticed was her outfit. Red flannel shirt, just like me. And then I saw a black cowboy hat on the sink. I reached for the string around my neck and adjusted it. My own cowboy hat shifted and ruffled my hair as I played with the string.

I looked at her reflection in the farthest mirror. She was darker. Not Mercedes dark though. Hispanic. Her hair, like mine, wasn't braided yet either, but it was wavy and looked like she had had it braided and it had busted loose.

A sob broke through her small body. She really wasn't _that _small, but the way she cried made her look so tiny and fragile. She was able to catch her crying and swallow it. "S-sorry." She didn't bother being delicate and careful as she shoved her palm into her eye and smeared a few tears away. Her hand shook as it caught the tears on her cheeks. "No, I know I'm overreacting Papa."

When she had seen me in the mirror it felt like my stomach had switched places with my throat. The worst part was her reaction. I knew what it felt like to be caught. Vulnerable. It was awful. I was so stupid for not leaving sooner.

But she turned away from the mirror and towards the opposite wall so her back was to me. "Lo siento. Voy ir a trabajar ahora." She hung up her phone without saying bye.

The next few seconds were awkward. I was waiting for her to yell at me. Maybe punch me. This had to be Santana. The other girl. I really didn't think some customer just happened to sneak into the bar before we opened and just happened to be wearing a cowgirl outfit.

Then she did something I never ever ever ever expected to happen. She started crying again, but didn't stop. It was silent and smothered. She crossed her arms, hugged her body, and turned and stepped into the corner of the bathroom.

She was crying her heart out.

What could possibly make someone so sad?

Maybe I was imagining this. Aren't mean girls supposed to be mean?

Maybe I should have left.

No.

Crying alone was sad and it hurt.

I wasn't sure what to say. I didn't have anything to say. I didn't know her. But even if I had known her it wouldn't have changed the situation and what I should have done about it.

I took a few steps towards her. My footsteps were deafening inside the bathroom. They sounded so out of place above her muffled cries.

I could tell she was trying to stop. It hurt me even more to watch that, but not like it was hurting her, _I was sure_. It was just hard to look at, because I could feel her humiliation. But it'd be worse if I left. We worked together. She'd see me later. I couldn't just abandon her, and let her walk up to me later after all of this. I couldn't let her make the decision of walking up to me later and pretending it hadn't happened or forcing an explanation. _Of course I would wait for her to stop crying and walk out with her._

I perched myself on the sink next to her cowboy hat. I set it on my lap and started to fiddle with the brim. It looked way more expensive than mine. My hat was totally lame compared to this. Hers was all suede like and had a cool string.

I'm not sure how long I sat there. It couldn't have been as long as I thought. I'm pretty positive that people can't cry for hours on end without becoming dehydrated.

She was wiping her eyes again and her body wasn't shaking as much. That was a good sign.

I thought about saying something, but decided against it. Again, I didn't know her. I couldn't say something. I had no room or right to say something.

She cleared her throat and turned toward me. Her eyes immediately locked on the cowboy hat in my lap. Her eyes were puffy, bloodshot, and her makeup was a complete chaos.

I watched her approach the sink next to the one I was sitting on and lean into the mirror. "God…" She whispered and started to rub her thumb over her smeared mascara. "Just perfect."

I continued to wait. I watched her and was patient. Waiting is easier than people make it out to be. Most of the time you can just wait for things come. And if they don't, then that's okay because something else will probably come. So I just waited.

"How am I supposed to go out there now?" She mumbled, but I knew she was asking me and not just talking to herself.

My smile grew so big. I felt like such a dork for getting so excited about something like this. About waiting and letting her talk to me first, and letting her choose what to say. It was so much easier than forcing something.

"If it was 'raccoon night' instead of 'cowboy night' you could get away with it." I answered. I wasn't sure how loud to speak, so I spoke only loud enough for her to hear.

She laughed. Thank God. I figured she would, but still…what if she hadn't. It was usually pretty easy to judge someone's reaction, excluding this very recent incident where she had started sobbing.

"Yeah. You suggest raccoon night for next weekend and I'll make sure to call my father then." She whispered, but still didn't look at me. After she finished the sentence it looked like she was surprised she had said it. Not upset or embarrassed that she had said it. Just surprised.

"I'm Brittany." I held my hand out for her to shake. Cheesy I know, but it always felt weird just saying your name without including a handshake or a high five or something like that.

She laughed again. This laugh was so much better than the laugh I'd heard her give over the phone. It was warm just like her voice. Warmer actually. It made me laugh with her.

"Santana." She grabbed my hand and shook it. Her hand was smaller than mine. Most people's hands were. She pulled it away and leaned back towards the mirror. "Did they send you in here to get me? Bitchin to each other about me not working or some crap like that."

"No." I hopped down from the sink and set her cowboy hat down right where I had been sitting. "I came to pee."

I leapt toward a stall, squeezed myself between the door and the stall's wall, and clicked the lock shut. "So," I unbuttoned my jeans and wiggled them down. "Why'd you leave before?" The toilet was cold. "From working here. Where'd you go?" I could hear Tina's warning in the back of my mind, but it seemed completely ridiculous. Why would I need to be careful around her? I had never seen someone so broken before as I had just seen her. You don't need to be careful around broken people, because they're already being careful around you.

"I was living with my dad for awhile." She answered without hesitation. But I could feel how guarded her words were. I knew she didn't want to say them. "But I decided to move back." She did one of those awkward gulps. Kind of like the one I had done when I had been talking to Quinn the other night at the grocery store.

Quickly I changed the subject. I didn't like her feeling like she was obligated to answer me, because I had caught her crying.

I said the first thing that came to my mind, and since I was in the same area where I had seen something pretty horrific happen, it was super easy to think of something to say. "I was told not to pee in here because the customers puke sometimes. I didn't believe it until I saw some girl exorcist puking all over." I stood and the toilet flushed. Now that I thought about it, I should have used a toilet seat cover…No, the janitors cleaned the toilets. They weren't dirty yet. "Well, I didn't see her puking in this very stall since it's so tiny in here and there's no way I could've seen her with the door shut, but I saw her out there where you are. I walked in, saw a volcanic eruption from her not so volcanic mouth, and then quickly left before someone thought it was my job to clean it up."

"Yeah," She responded and even though I couldn't see her, I could hear her smile. She still sounded humiliated. Her words were on edge, begging to fall off that edge and into a very dark and hidden hole where they could never be found again.

I squeezed back out of the stall and walked toward the sink. "Worst experience of my life was when I got my hair caught in the vending machine trap door for like twenty minutes. It looked like I was trying to smuggle Cheez-Its." At the time that had definitely made me want to hide in a little dark hole until everyone had forgotten about it…

The bathroom door swung open and cracked against the wall. I jumped and Santana jumped along with me. The way I had jumped and the way my head had jerked toward the noise kind of hurt. It made my body instantly tender and sore.

Rachel was standing at the door and caught it with her palm as it swung back towards her. "Brittany there you are. And Santana." She looked at Santana and then slid her eyes to me. They way she looked between us and the way her eyes slid reminded me of how someone slides a typewriter back when they needed to write another line. Quick and frantic. "Brittany I figured since it was taking you so long that you were trying to do your braid. I can do it out here for you if you'd like." She stepped back and held the door open. "And Santana I need you to run through your song a few times."

"Stop trying to peep a look Berry. Shut the door. I'll be out when I'm done." Santana rolled her eyes and leaned back into the mirror. She had an eyeliner pencil in her hand and brought the tip of it up to her top lid.

Rachel was caught off guard. Which didn't make sense, because she and the rest of the girls made it a point to tell me just how bitchy Santana was. Why was Rachel acting all surprised when Santana said something like that to her? I guess her remark had kind of caught me off guard a little too though. I had figured the girls had been fibbing or confused when they had talked about Santana earlier. Maybe they weren't.

Rachel scoffed and stepped away from the door and back towards the bar. I didn't look back at Santana until the door had completely shut. She was still putting on her eye make up. The pencil rolled between her thumb and finger as she traced around her lashes. Her eyelashes reminded me of butterfly wings.

I liked looking at her. I could find something unique every two seconds. But I still watched her eyelashes. I didn't want to look for something else just yet. It was like opening your Christmas presents up slowly. Except she wasn't Christmas and I didn't really think I'd ever have a reason to take wrapping paper off of her.

Her eyes were starting to lighten back up. That's good. Now it just looked like she was kind of tired. Good thing Rachel didn't walk in when she had been crying. But her cheeks were kind of red still. Not red I guess, since her skin was dark and only people like me with super pale skin actually are able to turn red. Her cheeks were whatever the color was called when you mix coffee and red kool-aid. She was flushed. That was the right word.

"Is my makeup smeared or something?" She spoke into the silence. It felt like I had been staring for a century.

I blinked the dryness from my vision. We made eye contact in the mirror. I shook my head no.

I'd been staring. That's embarrassing and is something I need to stop doing because it turns out most girls think you're trying to start a fight if you stare at them and most guys think you want to have sex with them if you stare.

Then my cheeks turned that stupid red color. Crap. I lowered my eyes and flicked on the water. I kept my eyes glued to the faucet. It hit my hands and started to burn. So I turned the cold knob on.

More than anything I wanted to know what it was that made a person who they are. She fascinated me. The way she was, was so different. Never had I seen someone's wall crumble like hers had and never had I seen someone put that wall back up with such strength. And I liked it. I didn't like her crying of course, but I liked her.


	2. Wanting to Know Her

**a/n: here's chapter 2 :) Just finished writing chapter 4 and...it's good ;) My plan is to always have two complete chapters with each new update. That way I'm way ahead of you guys. My guess is that I'll be updating every 3 or so days. I'm enjoying writing this, hope you enjoy reading it. Let me know. Oh and the song in this is Lady Gaga - You and I. Youtube it and listen to it if you haven't already**

**Chapter 2: Wanting to Know Her**

"Are you some kind of bitch-whisperer?" Mercedes finally said something. She had been watching me from the corner of her eye for the past twenty minutes. Ever since I had walked out of the bathroom trailing right behind Santana.

I pulled out the last bottle of Southern Comfort from the box I had hauled out front and set it on the counter. "I wasn't whispering anything?" What the hell was she talking about? Did she think I had been talking shit about her?

"I've known both Quinn and Santana since I started working. Sure, Quinn can be all right sometimes, but she doesn't just invite people to go shoe shopping with her unless she wants something they have."

"Yeah? I'm buying her new shoes. That's why we're going." I interrupted. Mercedes didn't say anything bad about Quinn. She does that sometimes though. She's _way _to overdramatic. "Obviously Quinn would invite me to the shoe store…when she wants the shoes I offered to buy her."

"But Santana?" Mercedes lowered her voice and stepped closer to me. She didn't even acknowledge what I had said about Quinn. "Rachel came scampering out like a poodle with its tail tucked between its legs earlier. And she wouldn't stop bitching and complaining about how unnecessarily cruel Santana was until you two walked out."

I wasn't exactly sure how to answer. I shifted my eyes toward the stage. Santana was bent over and had her elbows resting on the piano and her chin resting on her fists. She was looking over sheet music.

"I mean," Mercedes continued, "I know I sound like a broken record when I say this, but just be careful. Santana's one of those girls who will befriend you just so she can dump pigs blood on you at the prom."

Gross.

"Wait." I jerked my eyes back to Mercedes. "What'd she do to you?" The question was so obvious. It's like Mercedes was setting up this entire conversation, just so I would ask her. Except when I did ask she looked like she hadn't been expecting the question at all.

"Oh, well." She shrugged. "She's always flicking bottle caps at me."

I laughed. It was one of those loud, short, _ha's. _It almost sounded like I had squawked. My hand snapped up to my mouth. Mercedes didn't look offended though, more startled. I shifted my eyes over to the stage and saw both Santana and the piano guy, Brad, staring at me with wide eyes.

When Mercedes said Santana had done that, my imagination kind of deadened the drama. She was talking like she should be telling ghost stories over a spooky campfire, and it was all because Santana flicked bottle caps at her…

"Sorry." I tucked my lips into my mouth as I lowered my hand. I even held my breath.

"I'm not sure why that's funny." Mercedes glanced to Santana, cocked her eyebrows, and then looked back at me.

I shook my head as if to say, _it's not. _I still didn't want to un-tuck my lips in case I laughed again and another squawking laugh came out.

"I found this." Mercedes sighed and dug into her pocket. She pulled out an iPod. _My iPod! _

"Hey!" My hand shot out and I snatched the pink iPod. I'd lost it at least a week ago. I was sure it was somewhere at my house. "Where'd you get this? Thanks." I held the play button down so it would turn on.

"It fell onto the ground when I opened the little door to my gas tank." Mercedes stepped back and started doing what she had been doing before she asked me about whispering bitches. Organizing the bottles.

The menu screen popped up and I smiled. The battery wasn't dead. Perfect. "That's weird." I answered and unwrapped the headphones.

"Yeah." Mercedes nodded her head slowly.

I reached for the empty box and slid it closer. After I set the headphones into my ears and pushed play, I marched around the counter and headed to the loading room in the back where the dumpsters were.

When I got there, there was a whole ton of empty boxes. I started with the one in my hands. I picked at the tape with my nails until a corner peeled up. These boxes were the worst. I tore the strip back, flattened the box, and then chucked it over and into the dumpster.

"_You taste like whiskey when you kiss me, oh…" _I started to sing along with Lady Gaga. It was my favorite song. Well, it will be until I listen to it another thirty times and I find something else that catches my attention. I'm not usually too picky when it comes to music. I like it when Rachel sings her Broadway stuff and I like it when Tina sings that alternative stuff, and when Mercedes sings R&B.

"_Sit back down where you belong, in the corner of my bar with your high heels on…"_ This would be a perfect song to sing tonight. For someone else of course. Maybe I'll suggest it to Mercedes. I doubt she'll listen though. I'm not sure if it's my suggestions she just doesn't take seriously or if she's impossible to suggest things too. When I told her to sing Britney Spears she laughed and told me that _Baby One More Time _wasn't a song she wanted to sing in front of people and that you don't see Rihanna singing _Man I Feel Like A Woman._

For the most part Mercedes is nice. I never really know how to take some of the things she says, so I just don't respond some of the time. In some ways she reminds me of Rachel. Driven. Passionate. And she always knows she's right.

"_Something 'bout lonely nights and my lipstick on your face…"_ I'll still suggest the song to Mercedes. Its kind of country sounding, and tonight _is _Cowboy Night. I'd suggest it to Quinn, but I don't really know how she sings and I don't want her to say something like she can't reach those notes or it isn't her style. I want to get to know her a little better before I say something like that. Usually suggesting a song to someone wouldn't be offensive, but knowing my luck and the way I sometimes phrase things…It'd be safe to just wait and see what she sounds like.

"_Sit back down on the couch where we made love for the first time and you said to me…"_ I chucked another flattened box into the dumpster and when I turned back around Santana was standing there with her arms crossed and the most amused look on her face.

Wasn't she supposed to be at the piano? Rachel's going to throw a fit.

I jerked my headphones from my ears like they were on fire. But with them dangling out of my pocket, I noticed I could still hear the music blaring. So I reached my hand into my jeans, pulled out my iPod, and turned it off.

"Why'd you stop?" She asked after I had shoved the stupid thing back into my pocket.

Because that's embarrassing. I've heard people sing over their _iPod_ and it usually sounds like they have a stuffy nose.

"I've never seen someone line dance, sing, _aaannnddd _break down boxes." She unfolded her arms and stepped toward a box. Her fingers started to pick at the tape, just like I had been doing moments before.

I'd been dancing too? Oh God. "I was bored." I tried to cover up my awkwardness, but for some reason I didn't really feel all that awkward now that I thought about it. My face wasn't burning with heat and I wasn't taking little half gulps. It would have been better if she hadn't walked out on me getting my Lady Gaga on all over the cardboard, but it wasn't bad she had.

Maybe because of what had happened earlier in the bathroom. It still made my heart hurt to think about it. Looking at her made me want to tell her that she could cry whenever she wanted with me around. She was fighting back a ginormous grin. It was probably from what she had just caught me doing. That smile isn't going to last that much longer. I'd start line dancing again if I knew it would make her feel better and feel less broken.

"Who were you singing about?" She tossed a flattened box in the dumpster. "Or to? Is that what you're singing tonight?"

_Shit,_ the squawk-laugh. I'd forgotten about it. What was up with me lately? I was dropping milk on people, I was walking in on private moments, I was squawking like an idiot, now I was line dancing with the boxes…

"I'm not singing." I bent over and picked up the final box before she could. "I don't really sing. I'm not as good as everyone else."

"Who told you that?" She raised her voice. Almost yelled. I must have said something wrong.

I tried to remember who had told me that. I used to make music videos with my sister. All the time. She always let me sing even though I preferred dancing. Sometimes we would do a duet music video, but most of the time one of us would record the other.

There are about ten videos of us dancing to Hammer Time and Billy Jean. We'd duck tape the bottom of our sweat pants to make them look like parachute pants and we'd wear white mittens during Billy Jean. Those are the days when the wiggly arm dance was popular with both of us.

I love watching them. They're so funny. We have some from when I was super little. My sister always busts up laughing because I was so bad at recording her. I'd zoom in at the wrong time and miss one of her moves. Or I'd be laughing behind the camera and it would look like she was dancing during an earthquake.

My dad liked the videos. He'd laugh at the parts that weren't supposed to be funny. But that's okay, because I loved that he was laughing.

We didn't usually show my mom though, because we had to _wait _for her to get a chance to watch it. _I know honey I've already seen them. _And then when she would watch them, she'd tell her story. It was always the same story. I'd heard it about twenty-billion times.

She was at school, in like the sixth grade and she was spinning around and singing this song with her friend. And because they were spinning so fast her dress lifted up. This boy who was standing behind her yelled, '_Gross!' _He then ran around and told everyone that Cindy had started her period. My mom says that it was all over her dress.

She went home and refused to go back to school. And she stood by her word. She wouldn't go until her mom took her to a different school.

And you can't interrupt my mom and tell her she's already told a story. I did that once and she cried. I felt so bad. It wasn't the same feeling I had gotten when I'd seen Santana crying. No. Seeing my mom cry was like being stabbed in the chest with guilt. I'm not even sure I can even explain to myself how awful that feeling is. It's like something dug its way into your stomach and you can't get it out and you can't sleep with it there and you can't really do much about it other than just listen to it burrow itself deeper.

"Was that a wrong question?" Santana spoke again. I'd forgotten she was waiting for an answer.

"Oh no!" I smiled and pulled myself back from the memory. "No. Nobody has told me I can't sing. I just don't really want to."

"If you say so." She shrugged. It was like she was looking straight through me. Hopefully I hadn't just told that little story about my mom out loud. "I need to get back to the piano before Berry flips her shit."

Santana walked away before I had time to respond. But it's not like she had run away. I just took too long to say something.

I wanted to follow her. So bad. She was the most interesting person I'd ever seen in my entire life and I didn't even know why.

"There you are!" A girl yelled.

I turned and watched as a car approached. The engine throbbed through the pavement and the vibration pushed through my heels. It was the most expensive car I had ever seen. I'm not sure what it was, but it looked like lemon meringue pie on wheels and was probably worth more than anything I'd ever seen. _Delicious. _

"Here I am." I greeted as Quinn stopped her car just by the loading room's door.

She moved her sunglasses up from her eyes and used them to push her bangs away from her face. Like a headband. Again I couldn't help but become distracted by her eyes. Instantly I compared them to Santana's. It was like comparing hot chocolate and mint chocolate chip ice cream. Both are tasty, but you don't really mix them together, because one is warm and the other is cold. Except Quinn isn't cold. Far from it.

Their personalities clashed. Or maybe clashed isn't the right word. Whatever the opposite of meshed is…that's what Santana and Quinn were to me. They weren't opposites though, because opposites do fit together sometimes. And even though the girls said that they were friends, I just didn't see _how. _Some people just don't go together, and that's not a bad thing. It's just what it is.

The car caught my attention again as soon as I broke eye contact with Quinn. I stepped up to her window. "Cool wheels…and cool car."

"Let's go over to the shoe store." She gestured for me to get in.

She wants me to get in her expensive car? Holy shit…

"Okay." I forced myself to say the word even though my mind was starting to go a bit crazy with what-if scenarios. _What if I break something? I can't afford to replace it._ "I need to tell Will first that I'm going on break." I pulled my phone from my pocket and saw that my break started in fifteen minutes. But Will would be fine with me going early. He usually was.

"Already told him. Hop in." She again gestured to the passenger seat of her car.

I nearly sprinted around the car. Nerves, mixed with the fact that she had to tell me twice, mixed with excitement about sitting in the most expensive thing I'd ever sat in, were what caused my hurried pace. But when I reached the door I slowed. I didn't want to fling it open and off of it's hinges.

The door popped open so easily after I had lifted the handle. If I wouldn't have looked stupid, I would have shut the door, and then opened it again just so I could know what it was like to be able to easily and quietly open a car door.

I sat, pulled my legs in, and then shut the door. "This is so cool." I spoke in awe. I buckled my belt as the car started to roll forward. "What is this? Where'd you get it? Do you drive it everyday? Should I take my shoes off?" I started to look around at everything. At the tiny navigation screen in the dashboard, at the little cross she had hanging from the rear view mirror, then down to the leather seat that was starting to suck me into it's comfort.

She laughed and answered. "One question at a time. And it's really not _that _great Brittany."

"What is it?" I asked again. Not that her answer would make much of a difference, because I knew absolutely nothing about cars. Just that they were heavy. But my dad knew a lot. I could tell him that I knew somebody with a cool car. Maybe Quinn could come over sometime and I could show her car off to my family, because this was probably the coolest thing in the world.

"Corvette." She answered as we pulled out into the road.

"Doesn't that mean that a car doesn't have a roof?" I glanced up at the roof. It was there…

"No." Her smile grew even bigger. She sure smiles a lot around me. "Convertible means it doesn't have a roof."

We pulled into the parking lot for Will's shoe store. It was well within walking distance from the bar, but if I were Quinn I'd take her car everywhere too. I'd re-park it every twenty minutes, just so my neighbors could watch me and be jealous.

"Oh right." I squeezed my hands in between my knees. "Now my dad thinks that like three of my friends drive Corvettes." Great. Now her car wouldn't look nearly as cool. Well, no…it will look cool if my dad sees it. He hasn't seen these other 'Corvettes' that I'd gushed about.

"Shit!" I suddenly remembered something. The thought nearly slapped me across the face. "I forgot something."

"Your purse?" She glanced over to my empty lap and then out the windshield as we slowed into a parking spot.

"Crap…" I searched around my feet for the purse I knew wouldn't be there. "Double crap. I forgot that too." I reached for the door handle and opened my door. "I can just run back and grab it. If you want to wait? Or you can just find what you want. I'll hurry." I felt awful for wasting her break. I knew how busy it was going to get tonight, and I knew that this break was the last relaxed break she was going to get for the next ten hours.

"Brittany it's fine." She grabbed my elbow as I started to get out of the car. I sat back down in the seat. "I have money."

"You can't buy it for yourself. That defeats the whole purpose of me paying you back."

"First of all Brittany, you're not paying me back for anything." Quinn continued, "And, I could drive you. I wouldn't make you run all the way back."

I reached for the door and shut it. "Can you drive me back please?"

"No. Stop being silly." She opened her door and climbed out.

I opened my door again and climbed out. It was weird climbing up out of a car. Usually I can just kind of slide out of my truck. This climbing out business is one hell of a quad work out though. After I re-parked this car (if it were mine), I'd do quad work outs in it instead of going on a jog.

"I need to run to my house too." I spoke to myself. "After this."

But Quinn answered me as if I'd spoken to her. "Sounds good to me. We'll make a road trip out of it." And she started towards the store before I could think about her offer.

Instead of telling her we could take my car I followed her in silence. Maybe, just maybe, we could catch my dad if he had decided to come home for lunch and I could casually mention that my friend has the coolest car in the world. That thought alone is what convinced me to let Quinn drive to my house and kept me from being polite.

I had to fast walk to catch up to her, but as soon as we reached the entrance I was right behind her. She pushed the door open for us.

"But I can't afford anything." I tried to convince her again. "Are we just looking? You can show me what you want and I can get it tomorrow before work. I work at noon. So I'll have plenty of time."

She stopped mid step. I nearly crashed into the back of her. She turned her attention to me. Suddenly I wasn't able to read her expression. It was the mint chocolate chip ice cream expression. Cold and warm at the same time. But not cold in a bad way. Just cold in the sense that I was starting to get a little fidgety and unsure of what to say or do.

"Stop." She didn't demand it. She didn't sound mean, annoyed, or angry. Usually when I'm told to stop it's because _someone's _pissed at me. And I'm almost one-hundred percent sure that if she'd said it to anyone else but me, that they would have read her wrong. They would have thought she had been angry or annoyed. But she wasn't. I'm not sure what she was.

"Okay. I stopped." I whispered.

Thankfully her smile returned and I was able to loosen the nerves in my spine. "I just wanted you to come and help me pick out a pair of boots. And you don't need to buy me new flip-flops. I have nearly a hundred pairs. Besides," she put her hand on my arm and directed me towards where I knew the boots were, "you didn't ruin my flip flops. So thank you for the offer, but it's not necessary."

See…someone would have gotten all offended at her telling them to stop and they wouldn't have even given her the chance to explain herself. And they would have missed this.

Quinn was different. A bit unpredictable, but I'm good with unpredictable people because I'm so easy-going.

What didn't make sense was that Mercedes had said Quinn wasn't always that bad and that Santana was going to dump pig's blood on me. Quinn's personality seems far more rigid than Santana's. Like an ice burg. But the sweet friendly type of ice burg. From Titanic.

Actually, I keep forgetting that I had caught Santana when she was super sad. So technically I cheated. Nobody else got the chance to see that, and it was pretty clear that she doesn't let people just see that. Nobody let's people see them cry like that.

"What kind of boots are you getting?" We stopped in the middle of the boot aisle.

There were boots with heels, boots without heels, boots that went just above the ankle, and boots that went all the way above the knee.

I looked down at my own boots. I'd picked cowboy boots. Well, Rachel had picked cowboy boots when I'd come here with her last week. I'd wanted knee high boots with heels, but she insisted that I get the cowboy boots. They're easy to walk in and it _was _cowboy night.

"I'm not sure." She started to walk down the aisle and run her fingertips over the boots. "Any suggestions?" She continued down the aisle but glanced back at me.

"Me?" I felt my eyes widen. "I was wearing rain boots last night. Are you sure you should be asking me?"

She spun and started to walk back towards me. "Yes I'm sure." She lifted one shoulder. It was a half-shrug. "You wore rain boots and sweats and somehow you still looked good. If I wore rain boots I'd look like an idiot."

"That's not true." I frowned. It was far from true. If she wore rain boots she'd just look like she was wearing rain boots. And girls like her can get away with wearing what they want. She's like a porcelain doll. The perfect girl. Blonde. Petite, but fit. And everything about her, from her eyes to her smile would have any guy crawling at her feet. She couldn't look like an idiot even if she tried.

Me though…? She had to be joking. I'm so awkward.

"So I can just borrow your rain boots?" She turned and looked at the shelf of boots when she had reached me.

I knew she was kidding. It was rare that I actually picked up on someone's sarcasm, because I'm the type of person who takes things at face value, but I clearly had heard hers.

"Fine…" I took in a deep breath, as if that would help me think and keep all my good ideas from getting out. "What are you wearing tonight?" I looked back at the little summer dress she was wearing. It was white.

"Same thing you guys are. The red flannel. Boot cut jeans." She paused. "Should I just get cowboy boots?" She looked down at my feet.

"If you want cowboy boots." I wasn't about to force an opinion on her. Rachel was right when she said cowboy boots would be more comfortable than a heel. I didn't want her to get sore feet because of something I suggested.

"I'm not picky. Whatever looks good..." she answered.

I waited before I answered. I wanted to make sure I didn't sound stupid. The last thing I wanted to happen was for her to take my advice, and then have the girls make fun of her. But I did warn her and remind her about the whole rain boot thing.

"Since you're wearing boot cut jeans you should get a high boot. Something that stops below your knee. And a heel would look good." I stepped forward towards a pair brown heel boots. "These are what I wanted to get."

"How come you didn't?" She stepped forward with me and started to examine the boots.

"Rachel wanted me to wear cowboy boots." I looked at my feet and then down to her feet. "What size are you?"

"Six." She crouched down and pulled out a box that read _size 6. _"Why are you even friends with Rachel? She's awful."

Quinn took the box over to a bench and sat with it on her lap.

I stepped in front of her and took the lid off of the box. "Sometimes." I didn't want to lie. And besides saying that Rachel was _awful sometimes _was an understatement. "But sometimes she's awesome and nice. She's helped me out a few times." I knitted my eyebrows together at the memory that came to mind. "She wouldn't let me stand by her in pictures from like the fourth grade until freshman year in high school. That's when she decided she wasn't going to grow anymore. She told me that I'd look too tall standing next to her." I crouched in front of Quinn with the boot I'd pulled out of the box and unzipped it from the top down to the ankle.

"She's crazy." Quinn shook her head and kicked off her flip-flop so I could help her get the boot on. Quinn was about to continue but stopped mid-sentence. "Stand up." She whispered to me. She lightly slapped at my shoulder. It sounded urgent, so I nearly leaped up from my crouch.

Just seconds after I had stood up, the bell from the front door sounded and Santana walked in. It took her a bit to notice we were there, and it was clear that she didn't know we were here in the first place. She fiddled with the jewelry near the front, and when she looked in our direction she looked like she had just seen a ghost taking a shit.

Quinn took the boot from my hands and we watched Santana approach. "Hey." She stopped next to me and faced Quinn. "You didn't get your shoes yet?" She spoke different. It was nothing like the tone she had used with me both in the bathroom and out by the loading room when she had caught me singing. It wasn't bad different. And it wasn't how she had spoken to Rachel when Rachel had walked in the bathroom and told us to come out. I don't know how to describe it without saying it was just how she spoke. It was sharp, hard, hot. Not the hot that's sexy hot. The hot that's a temperature.

My cheeks started to heat up a little. _Seriously? _Get a grip. She can't even hear me think. I can think whatever the hell I want. It's not like I told her it was hot when she talked…

"Not yet. I've been unpacking all week. And last night with Ru Paul breathing down our necks I never got the chance to look." Quinn said. She put her foot in the heel and started to zip it up.

"I like those." Santana commented on the boots. It sounded like she hadn't expected to like the boots, and she hadn't expected Quinn to be trying on something that she liked.

The boots stopped a few inches just below Quinn's knee. Perfect.

"Yeah." Quinn stood up and lifted her dress up to examine the heel.

"I was expecting you to wear flats." Santana smirked. "It's a welcome change. I approve."

"Good to know." Quinn sounded indifferent.

The three of us stood in silence. Quinn took a few steps back and forth in the heel, probably checking to see if she'd want to walk in them all night. She should probably put the other boot on though if that's what she's checking for, because right now she looks like a limping zombie. That heel is bigger than I thought it was. We should have zombie night. Then I could borrow Quinn's right heel and she could wear the left, and I wouldn't have to worry about getting shoes.

No, bad idea. My feet are way bigger. No more Chinese foot squishing for me. Ever again.

Santana just watched Quinn step back and forth.

"So it's true then." Santana cocked her head in my direction. "You did spill milk all over Quinn." She lifted the corner of her mouth up. I wouldn't have taken the smirk as a smile unless I'd caught the smile in her eyes. "Quinn went on and on about you last night."

"Oh come on." Quinn looked up from her feet and rolled her eyes. "Don't listen to her Brittany."

"Hey," Santana held her hands up in defense. "I'm just letting you know what I heard."

I was so entirely fascinated by the way she talked, how she talked, what she said. I wanted her to keep talking, but I didn't know what to say or ask. I doubted Quinn knew about the whole bathroom incident and I didn't want to accidentally hint at it or blurt something. So I kept quiet.

"Are you getting shoes?" Quinn sat back down on the bench. I wasn't sure who she was talking to.

Santana answered her though, so she must have been talking to her. "No. I was just trying to duck Rachel. Something bad would have happened if it'd been both us in the tanning salon next door. I'd convinced the girl that works there that my _dear sweet friend_ meant foe-tee minutes, not twenty." Santana rolled her eyes. "Bitch be extra crispy."

"Krispy Kreme." I echoed Santana, though I hadn't intended to. I shrugged after I had said it. The shrug was more for my benefit, because it was better to say that than to say something about the bathroom.

"Mmmhmm." Santana nodded her head and again I caught a warm smile that was directed toward me. "You're not wearing heels?" Santana's smile faltered. She looked confused now. Like it was common knowledge that I should be wearing heels.

"No. Rachel didn't want her to." Quinn answered for me and then made eye contact with me. "You know she probably told you to wear cowboy boots so you wouldn't look even _that _much taller than her." Quinn looked down to my feet and then moved her eyes up my body. I twitched at the way she had looked at me. It felt like she could see everything. "Maybe she didn't want you getting more attention than her."

"Is that so?" Santana nodded slowly in understanding. "Hm."

"I don't know about that." I spoke. Rachel never said she didn't want me to look tall. And I'm pretty sure if she had had the opportunity to tell me that I'd look too tall then she would have said it.

"I gotta go." Santana said. I'd been waiting for one of them to say something bad about Rachel again, and I was glad that Santana hadn't. It made me uncomfortable having to defend her even though it was hard to defend her when people said things that were true. "She's probably in her room already."

"Bye." I waved even though she hadn't. I had just waved to her back.

When I looked back at Quinn she had her eyes narrowed. I knew she was going to ask about that. From what I'd heard, Santana isn't usually that _warm _or friendly with other people. And Quinn out of all people would know that.

What would I say if she asked? I guess I could say that she'd caught me singing outside and that she probably still thought it was funny. But would Quinn believe that? Is that even something that Santana would normally laugh about?

"So the brown?" Quinn's question threw me.

"Santana?" I asked. Santana was kind of brown. But what did that have to do with anything. Brown what?

"What?" Quinn asked.

"What?" I repeated. It was my best defense. Answer a question with the same exact question.

She hesitated, and then reworded her question. "Should I get the brown boots or the black boots?"

"Oh, uhm." I pulled my bottom lip into my mouth. "Brown would fit cowboy night better." I started to think out loud. "And they're a dark enough brown to fit with most anything you want to wear them with. But then again black goes with just about anything…"

"But these brown ones will also go with other stuff?" She stood up with the boots she had tried on.

I nodded yes. "I like the brown."

"Brown it is." Quinn sat and unzipped the boot.

XXxxxXX

"I'll be super quick." I nearly flung myself out of Quinn's car. It probably looked like she had _ejecto-seat_ shot me. James Bond-status.

Her car was so out of place. I wondered if it was worth more than my house?

All the houses in my neighborhood were quaint. That's what everyone always said. Whatever that's supposed to mean. When people ask what my house is like I just say it's got three bedrooms and a bathroom. And a jumbo sized tree in the front yard. And a fire hydrant in the front yard too. I fell off of it once and thought I was gonna die, until my sister said she'd give her otter pop if I stopped crying. Then I told her that if she told her friends that she saw her big sister crying that I'd eat all her otter pops for the rest of her life.

That obviously was a long time ago.

But when Quinn had pulled into my driveway and parked over a huge charcoal colored motor oil stain, it didn't look right.

My house was the house with the red garage door and the giant tree that always dropped leaves in the road. As a kid I'd jump in and out of the road trying to catch leaves before they hit the street (or the lava as my sister and I used to call it). My mom didn't really like that idea, so since then, we've been the house that drops leaves in the road. But I doubt that anyone really cares that much.

Everything about my house reminds me of being a kid. I grew up here.

"Wait!" Quinn yelled from her car. Her voice caught me just as I had started to cut across the front lawn.

I spun around to face her car. From this angle it looked even more out of place. I could see my neighbor's _normal-car _behind hers.

"What's wrong?" I treaded back through the overgrown lawn and to the passenger window she had rolled down. But I didn't lean in and rest on the window frame. I've heard what the neighbors say about that girl down the street and about how her cocky asshole boyfriend zips down the street and about her parents not monitoring who she dates. I've never met him and I'm not really sure why he's cocky or an asshole _just _because his car is loud and he speeds down the road like he's in the Fast and the Furious. I'm pretty sure I'd do the exact same thing if my car could go that fast. I'd sleep in a little longer and then race to work.

If my dad isn't at work, he's at home doing some type of yard work. Usually he's just moving stuff in the garage. I sat on the porch with my _iPod_ last Saturday afternoon for like two hours and all he did was move stuff out of the garage and then put it back in. And when I ask him why he organized, he said he needed his space in the garage. I don't think he realizes we have a small garage and no matter how many times he reorganizes it _nothing _will change. There will still be a lawn mower that needs to be leapt over and there will still be extension cords that have to hang from the light or they'll get lost underneath stuff and there will still be the tubs full of holiday decorations that look dangerously close to toppling over.

But I don't want my dad to have to both worry about the garage and about the _guy _her daughter might be hanging out with. My neighbors were far too nosy and far too lazy to actually walk outside and look inside Quinn's car to notice she isn't a boy and that I'm not dating Speed Racer.

I also didn't lean on her window cause I didn't want to scratch her car…

"Nothings wrong." Quinn answer. "Am I not invited in?" She reached to unbuckle her seatbelt.

_Shit. Think quick Brittany. _"Uhm, I'll be super quick." I repeated what I had told her earlier. "We might be late?" It came out as a question instead of the confident answer I was hoping to persuade her with. "We still have to drop by the post office." I made a point to not phrase that last statement as a question.

"Are your parents home or something?" She let out a laugh that sounded somewhere in between amused and surprised.

"My mom's home…yeah." I glanced back at the house.

"And you're not going to introduce me?" She continued, but I knew she was teasing. And even though she was teasing, there was something behind what she had said. I just couldn't figure out what it was. "Are you embarrassed by me?" She was joking. Sarcasm again, and again she made it blatantly obvious. If she keeps making her sarcasm so obvious and just says whatever she's thinking, like she has been doing, we'll probably get along super good.

"…I think my mom might be sleeping." I tried to play off that fact like it was no big deal. The last thing I wanted to do was lie, but saying _that_ almost felt worse than a lie. It felt like I'd said too much to the wrong person. Quinn didn't get a fancy car by her parents sleeping in. What if she thought my mom was lazy? Cause my mom isn't. Definitely not.

"It's like noon. Is she sick?" Quinn sounded concerned. Yes she had responded with the typical way that most people respond when I accidentally mention that my mom's still asleep, but instead of looking at me like my mom was some type of crazy person for not wanting to get up and eat delicious breakfast at eight in the morning, she looked at me like she had stepped into a conversation that she shouldn't be having with me.

_Thank God. _Just because she has a fancy car, doesn't mean she's stuck up.

"Well hurry up. We're going to be late." She pulled her sunglasses down to cover her eyes and pointed at my house.

I returned the same simple smile she had given me and darted toward my house for a second time.

The branches from the tree slapped against my face as I ran and I cursed for not at least holding my hands up. What Quinn must think of me…I can't even run without getting tree in my eye.

When I reached the door I kept my momentum going, turned the knob, and entered my house in one quick, fluid, motion.

It should be on the kitchen table. I turned into the living room. It wasn't too messy. Not clean enough for me to feel okay with having Quinn come inside though. My dad's socks were on the couch and a half-full cup of wine next to the wood stove in the corner. A matching box of wine sat on top of the burn pile. I twisted my body sideways to squeeze through the couch's armrest and the corner of the entertainment stand and stopped in the middle of the living room.

Lord Tubbington was sitting on the ottoman. He looked like a big fat pile of ashes. "Bad kitty." I slipped my hands under his cat armpits and heaved him up to my chest. He's lucky it was just me who had caught him.

I set him on the floor and continued walking to the table. Empty cereal bowls, folded laundry, and a Santa Claus center piece that's been sitting on the table since I can remember. It's made of clay and the bag that's tossed over his little clay Santa shoulder holds pens and things like that. I shuffled through old mail on the table, but there was no check.

As quietly as possible, I darted to the computer desk back in the living room. If my mom had put it there, it would have been on top of the keyboard.

It wasn't.

I'll ask her quickly.

I tiptoed to my mom's bedroom. Two steps from the computer desk and I was out of the living room and standing with the bathroom to my left and her door right in front of me.

I grabbed the doorknob, squeezed it tight to keep it from rattling, and slowly twisted until it _clicked. _When I didn't hear anything from inside her room, I knew that she hadn't woken up.

Instead of going in, I just poked my head into the crack between the door and the frame. If I went in her room the floor would creak and she'd probably think someone was breaking in or something and get scared.

My mom was sound asleep. My sister liked to call it hibernating. I liked to call it, _leave her the fuck alone._

The head of her bed was against the same wall as the door that I was looking through, and her face was just on the other side of the nightstand between her and me.

"Mom?" I whispered.

No answer.

Sometimes I used to check and see if she was still there when I got home from school. Or I would check to make sure she was still breathing. Sometimes weird, crazy, paranoid thoughts crossed my mind. Whenever I'd check, it was about a fifty-fifty chance as to whether or not the _click _from the doorknob would wake her up. If it didn't I would wait until I saw the duvet sink or rise with her breathing and then I'd get out of Dodge.

"Mom?" I whispered again.

Still no answer.

"Mom?" I raised my voice just the tiniest bit.

She opened her eyes slowly. She was looking at me, but I could tell that she hadn't _seen _me yet. Maybe I'd gotten lucky this time.

Her entire body jolted underneath the blanket. _I'd scared her._

"Fuck." She didn't yell, but the whiplash from the word was still loud enough to startle me.

"Sorry mom." I stopped whispering and spoke up so she could hear me.

"What do you want?" She urged me to speak quickly, yet she closed her eyes and snuggled her shoulder into the mattress.

"I need the check." I tried to keep my voice soft, just in case she accidentally fell back asleep. I didn't want to startle her again. But I made sure I talked loud enough and quick enough so she didn't have to strain to hear me.

"You were supposed to take it." She groaned and then rolled over to face the window and away from me.

_Yeah, I know._

"Where is it at?" I spoke up just a little. It was better to just stick with my one question, instead of trying to explain why I didn't have the check in the first place. It was like ripping off a band-aid. Don't get distracted.

"I don't know Brittany. Figure it out for yourself." She shuffled under the covers again. "Turn the TV down." It was her way of getting rid of me.

So I left.

**XXxxXX**

**Thanks Stephanie :)**


	3. I Had Her At

**a/n: Thanks all for the reviews. This is a very quick update, because it took me all of one night to write chapter 5. Again-I appreciate your reviews. They mean so very much. And, since this is such a quick update, then if you haven't read chapter 2 yet, I want to know your thoughts on both 2 and 3. :) Also, this story is just that...it's a story. I won't rush things, but I also promise I won't leave you hanging, and I won't move too slow. The moments you're waiting for and want will be well-deserved. I also want to make it a point to develop Britt's friendships in this story. You've seen that with Quinn in the last chapter. In my opinion it's unrealistic for Brittany to only have Santana in her life, and not have her friend's influence her thinking and her actions. AND...her home life will also play a major role in this story. You'll see as you read. Sorry for the long a/n. Enjoy this chapter. :) Let me know what you think**

**Oh and if you haven't, listen to Lady Gaga- You and I**

**Chapter 3 - I Had Her At...**

I'd found the check, Quinn had driven to the post office, and I dropped it off just in time. The mail there wasn't going to be picked up until three. Next time I'll have to set a reminder on my phone so I remember to put it in our mailbox before I leave to work.

The check ended up being on my dresser. I guess my mom thought I'd remember if she put it there. Not so much. In the morning I function at half-alive. I have a routine. Grab my toothbrush and start brushing, pee, wash hands, finish brushing my teeth, wash my face, and then get dressed. It only takes me fifteen minutes to do everything, because I shower at night. I make it a point to sleep in as long as possible. People who say you can sleep when your dead are wrong. You can sleep when you're alive too, and it's way better.

The afternoon shift at Shuester's was a littler busier than the typical afternoon shift. It was clear that Lima, Ohio was ready to start their summer, and that meant they were ready to spend their Friday afternoon lunch breaks at the bar eating appetizers and bar food, instead of spending their breaks eating candy bars from vending machines. And a lot of people get off work early on Fridays. _What better way to start the weekend than_ _happy hour and half priced appetizers_ _with the Troubletones, _said the cheesy radio commercial playing on every other station.

It was busier, but not busy enough to keep all six of us girls buzzing around. So while Mercedes and Tina served the guests and took their orders and Rachel stood at the hostess podium, I chatted with Quinn behind the bar.

Since Will thought we had gotten back ten minutes early from our lunch he rewarded us for working hard, and let us work the afternoon shift up in the bar, even though we were also scheduled to work up here at night. We had actually gotten back five minutes late. I guess Quinn really hadn't told him we left early… and she nudged me to stop when I started to _remind_ him. I wasn't complaining though. I like working the counter.

Only one couple had taken a seat up here, so other than bringing them appetizers and cold beers, we didn't have much to do.

"Make three of them." I told Quinn.

She was pouring peach schnapps into a double shot glass. We're allowed to have a drink or two when we work, just as long as it doesn't interfere with helping customers. I like to spend my free drinks on shots, because they're the most expensive. Tina spends her drinks on lime soda, and Mercedes makes daiquiris. Rachel drinks water…Water doesn't even count as a drink, because it's free. Sometimes she lets me use her free drinks, but only if I'm drinking a soda or tea.

One time I caught Rachel drinking olive oil. She insisted it was to loosen her vocal chords. I joked with her for a little saying that it was easier just to suppress your gag reflex instead of actually trying to loosen your throat. Hold your breath and breathe through your nose. It only takes five minutes, tops, anyway. It took her awhile to get it. She didn't approve of the joke.

"You want two?" Quinn asked, but still pulled out a third glass.

"One for Santana." I looked over to the stage where she was with Brad and the rest of the band. She was pointing a finger at the guitarist and shaking her head like he had said something disgusting. It looked like she could use a drink, and I know drinks definitely helped me relax. "She looks stressed."

She looked more than stressed. She looked like she was forcing back every emotion that came through her, and instead of just going back in the bathroom and crying again and letting it all out, she was snapping at the band members.

"She's always like that." Quinn filled the third glass a quarter of the way with the peach schnapps.

"Noo…" I sang the word, just to emphasize how silly that thought was. "Nobody is always one way."

Quinn didn't answer and just twisted the lid back on the schnapps.

"You guys are friends?" I asked, even though I had already decided that answer for myself. _They pretended to be friends. _

"Yeah, I guess. I mean, we've known each other since high school."

"I've known how to do the splits since second grade and we're still not facebook friends." I teased. I figured since she had teased me about not inviting her into my house earlier, that it was safe to say I could do the same thing. Joke with her. Then again, I would have said that to anybody…I felt my eyes narrow, and then widened them before she thought I was narrowing them at her.

"Point taken." She sighed. "Santana's just…I'm not even sure."

"Well I like her." I said it as a means to encourage her. It looked like she wasn't used to talking about Santana, unless it was to bitch about her. I'm guessing that's why Mercedes thought Quinn wasn't always that bad…because they both share and have similar opinions about Santana.

She just nodded her head. I almost expected her to make a joke about me liking Santana. But I was glad she didn't, because I'm sure I would have blushed like an idiot. I blush at weird things, and I don't blush at things that I should blush at.

"If we're giving her one, then I want to at least put something funky in it." Quinn slid the Schnapps in between us.

I grabbed the bottle and turned to put it on a back shelf. "What are you even making?" I was grateful that the subject had changed. For her benefit, not mine. I'm not sure how uncomfortable she was getting, and if it were me I wouldn't want to be put in the position of having to talk about someone I'm _supposed _to like.

She shrugged as I walked back. "No clue." I didn't bother to ask _what kind _when Quinn suggested that we take a shot. It's not like I would have said no if she said something gross. I was too flattered. I didn't think the day would come when I'd get offered a shot by someone other than a drunk pervert at a party or some guy who was trying to get me drunk enough to do _things_ with him.

"Put the Southern Comfort in it. And Kahlua." I liked both, and this seemed like the perfect time to try them together. "And whipped cream."

"That would be something super funky." Quinn cringed, and reached for one of the Southern Comfort bottles I had brought out earlier.

I grabbed the Kahlua. "We can call it Cowboy's Cream."

"Oh wow." Quinn squirmed in her skin and her eyes widened. I knew she hadn't expected me to say that. Nobody ever expected me to say things like that. I'm not sure whether they thought I was too innocent, or whether what I was saying was really that scandalous. "Gross." She was blushing a little.

Good. I'm not the only one who blushes when they don't want to.

Quinn set the Southern Comfort back under the bar and topped all three shots off with the Kahlua I had handed her. "I need the whip, stat." She held her hand out like a surgeon who was demanding a scalpel.

I played along. She was fun. I spun and crouched down to the mini fridge. It was packed full with so much whipped cream. You know you have the best job in the world, when there's an entire fridge filled with deliciousness.

I grabbed the plastic tab on the lid of the can and peeled it open. Quinn put a tiny tower of cream on each shot glass. The shot looked gross. And it tasted even grosser. But what else did I think Cowboy's Cream would taste like. The only good part was the whipped cream and we both had eaten that before taking the shot. It's dangerous to drink a liquid and eat something that was somewhere in between a food and a liquid at the same time. So without the sweetness and distraction of the whipped cream, the Kahlua crept down my throat, the whiskey burned my throat, and the schnapps made my jaw hurt like I had just eaten a super sour candy.

"Be right back." I pinched the corner of my lips tightly together. I could feel the dimples in my cheeks sink in. It was easier not to gag if I didn't breath. So I held my breath, grabbed the third shot off the counter, and headed toward the stage.

"Whatchya got there?" Tina smiled and stopped me part way through the floor seating and booths.

"A shot." I looked to the glass in my hand. It was beige. It kind of looked like an iced coffee. "Want one?" I held the glass towards her. If she took it, which I knew she wouldn't, I could just ask Quinn to make another one for Santana.

"Oh no thanks. I don't do shots." She held up her hands. "Where are you taking it?"

"To the stage." I answered. I was going to say, _to Santana, _but this way I wasn't obligating Tina to give me a weird look and another warning, and I was still technically telling her who it was going to.

Tina's nice. Shy. Sweet. She gossips, but hell, who doesn't? Out of all the girls here though, she's the one I would tell a secret to if I needed. She's my closest friend at work. We get coffee sometimes and we usually take our breaks together. "Shit." I brought the palm of my hand to my forehead.

"What?" She looked around panicked and then looked back to me.

"I went on break with Quinn. I forgot to tell you. I'm sorry." I felt awful. It's not like I had broken set plans with her, but we usually went on break together if we were both here.

Tina rolled her eyes and laughed. "It's fine."

"Are you sure?" I held my breath again. Usually Tina was pretty straightforward and simple. Simple is the right word. She's simple. She doesn't ask for a lot and she doesn't demand a lot of attention. And she doesn't suck attention like a certain crazy attention sucker that happens to be Rachel Berry.

"Brittany. Next time you yell _shit_ it better because of something a little more _shit_ worthy. Besides, I figured you were going with her when we were all out by the loading room and she asked if you were still getting shoes with her on your break."

"Oh yeah." I'd forgotten that more than just Quinn and me were involved in that conversation. I tend to focus on one person when things are happening, especially when unexpected things are happening. It's not like I forget about other people, I just have a one-tracked mind. It's easier that way.

"I can survive one break without your wackiness." She smiled again and started to walk back towards a table of customers. "And Rachel wanted me to tell you to meet her up front." Tina shrugged and turned before I was able to ask _why. _

That can wait. Santana was still on stage and I still had an oh-so-delicious shot for her to try.

"Want this?" I held the shot up towards Santana. The stage was about waist high. I ripped my pants trying to leap up on it one time. That was the last time I tried to get up there super quick.

I'd tried to think of what to say on the way here. It was pointless though, because the customers kept distracting me. I kept asking them how their food was. And I saw a few regulars that I stopped and chatted to for a little. So when I reached her I said the first thing that came to mind.

She pulled her eyes from Brad and settled them on me. Her scowl faltered, but not by much. "What is it?" She pushed the sheet music in her hands into Brad's chest and turned to look back down at me. That's when her scowl completely disappeared and now she just looked confused. Maybe she thought I was trying to give her something gross.

"It might be gross." I warned. "Well it's not that bad. I've had worse. It's like drinking peach schnapps. Except it tastes like whiskey and Kahlua too." The whipped cream peak started to slide and was now resting on the rim.

I set the glass on the stage. It wasn't necessary to hold it towards her anymore. She was going to drink it. I had her at, _want this. _

"Take five boys." Santana spoke to the band. They gladly listened and started to filter off stage. She didn't even need to look at them to make them listen. So cool.

"Does it taste like that, because that's what's in it?" Santana kneeled down and sat so her legs hung off stage.

"I'm going to do something very un-athletic right now." I walked to the other side of her legs, where the shot glass wasn't just so I didn't accidentally spill it, and I hopped up to sit next to her. I had to turn and face away from the stage, use my palms as leverage, and jump super high so my butt got high enough. I made it though. One hefty grunt and a small tiny struggle near the end to inch myself up and I was sitting right by her, exactly like her.

She smiled at me. One of those huge smiles. Instead of line dancing with cardboard, I'll just get up on awkwardly high things to make her feel better.

"You already drank one?" She lifted an eyebrow and picked up the shot glass I had left on the other side of her.

"Mmmhmm." I swung my legs in opposite circles as they dangled. Like gears, or cogs, or whatever those things were. Sitting up here was relaxing. Something about her was relaxing.

"Do I just, drink it all at once. Whipped cream and all? What if I choke?" She examined the tipping whipped cream tower.

I didn't respond. I just looked from the shot in her hand and up to her. I thought I was the only one who worried about things like choking on whipped cream. Or, better yet, I thought I was the only one who vocalized my fears of such odd things. God were people crazy? She's anything but mean. Pig's blood my butt.

"Is that a yes?" She shifted a little. A faint scowl returned, so I stopped starring at her.

"I ate the whipped cream first. It's the best part." I nodded with excitement. "It's called a Cowboy's Cream. The drink." I nodded toward the drink that was still in her hands.

"Wanky."

Something caught my attention. Across the dance floor in front of us, through the tables, down an aisle of booths, was someone waving. Rachel? Why was she waving?

"It wants you." Santana sounded annoyed. I could almost hear her teeth clenching.

I was annoyed too, and it was rare that I got annoyed. Why couldn't she let me hang out with Santana for more than two seconds? Why did she need me right this instant? So I shook my head no. I made sure the shake was big enough and slow enough that she caught onto it since she was so far away.

Santana laughed.

Rachel put her hands on her hips and stormed off.

"Do you want the whipped cream?" Santana held the shot towards me.

"You don't want it?" Was she crazy? "Are you crazy?"

"Probably." She didn't laugh, just agreed.

"Probably yes you are. That's like asking if I want your dessert so you can eat the vegetables. Do you care if I use my finger?"

She didn't. So I used my finger to swipe the tipping tower and she downed the drink the instant I stuck my finger in my mouth.

"Next time," She coughed and set the glass down, "you have to drink yours at the same time. That was nasty and I'm pretty sure that's why you gave it to me." She was kidding, but I clarified anyway.

"Nope." I shook my head "I gave it to you cause I thought you would want one."

"W-" She looked forward and stopped talking. She made her annoyance so clear. Her eyes rolled and she threw her hands up in defeat.

I looked forward too. Rachel was back. She waved for me again.

"Where's the mic?" Santana twisted her body and dragged the mic stand towards us. She carefully tipped it over and slid the mic out from the clip, leaving the stand lying behind us.

She flicked the switch on. "Rachel." Her voice echoed through the speakers. The customers in the bar stopped talking and I saw a few of them look at us mid bite-of-food.

I glanced towards Quinn to see if she noticed. She was wide eyed, just like I was.

Rachel's jaw was already dropped when I looked back at her.

"Testing, testing." Santana smiled and waved at a few of the customers to ensure them that this was okay. Most of them turned back to there food. She continued. "Rachel. Go back to your podium. I know you're trying to spruce up your stone collection, but I've told you that your Medusa eye stare has no affect on me." She cocked her head as if she were saying, _try back talking me_.

With half of the bar's attention on her, Rachel did as she was told.

"Now come back."

My mouth was wide open. I couldn't believe it. Was she trying to get into trouble? And she was actually calling Rachel out. Sure Mercedes has told her to shut up a few times, but nobody's ever had the balls to do something like this. Make her regret being bossy and demanding.

Rachel stepped back into our line of sight.

"Now go away again."

When I looked over to the bar again, Will was standing by Quinn this time. His forehead was pinched together and he looked like he had caught us stealing cookies.

I nudged Santana and pointed to Will.

"Thanks Rachel." Santana spoke into the mic, as if that would fix everything and make it look like she wasn't doing anything bad. "You were very helpful in letting me know if the microphone worked." She shut it off and set it behind her.

"You should probably go, so you don't get into trouble." Santana spoke to me.

I slid off the stage, turned towards her, and reached over her lap to grab the empty shot glass.

My heart beat one heavy, thick, beat. The instant my chest brushed her knee I felt my entire body soften. Almost like I'd been shocked. But the shock wasn't quick. It was slow. It was filling and made my chest sink in and stomach fill with screaming nerves.

I went rigid and straightened up. I didn't even make eye contact.

"Bye for now." I said and quickly walked away.

_Bye for now? _Wow, that sounded super not cool. What the heck just happened? That was because it was an accident, right? That feeling. But it didn't feel like it was because of an accident, and if it was an accident then why didn't I apologize? I just said something awkward and walked away.

Now she was probably going to think I'm weird or something, just like everyone else does. Stop. Since when do I care whether people think I'm weird? If I cared about that, then I would force myself to think at least ten seconds before I said something, I wouldn't have Lord Tubbington as the background on my phone, and I wouldn't own rain boots.

Right now…this feeling…it wasn't because of what I'd done and what had happened. I've boob brushed lots of people. It's because of what happened afterward and it's because I'm worried she'll think I'm weird for reacting the way I did.

"Yes?" Rachel folded her arms across her chest.

I hadn't realized I'd already made it up to her podium.

"You rang?" I shook away my thoughts. Too confusing. I'm starting to think like Mercedes and making something out of nothing.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Stop being silly. Stop. Stop. Stop.

"Are you okay? You look like you're going to puke." Rachel interrupted my breathing.

I snapped my eyes open, but it was okay. Her interruption was necessary. It pulled me back to reality. Who better than Rachel Berry to give you a nice slap of welcome the fuck back? "I'm fine. What's up?"

"Well, now that you're done screwing around with Santana," She huffed, "I can braid your hair for the night. The lunch rush has died off."

I looked at her. She was already dressed. Perfect braid. Cowboy hat. Cowboy boots. It was exactly what I was going to look like when she was done with me.

"We weren't screwing," I took an scratchy breath, "around."

Rachel didn't notice how uncomfortable I was. I could be burning bright red, wearing a glowing neon sign, and she still wouldn't notice.

"I think that messing with the microphone qualifies as screwing around Brittany." Rachel linked her arm around mine and pulled me towards the bar where Quinn was talking to the customers who had been sitting there earlier. "And you should probably let Santana finish preparing her song for the night instead of distracting her. I can't emphasize the importance of this night enough to you." We rounded the bar's counter and walked into the back and towards the employee bathroom. "This night sets the tone for everything. It has to be perfect."

I wasn't listening to Rachel. Well, I kind of was, but only half way.

This tiny little freak out needs to stay at just that. Tiny. I'm sure Santana didn't even notice. That's what it is. A little freak out. They usually last a few minutes and then I'm fine and wondering what the heck I was thinking in the first place.

"What's Santana singing?" I probably interrupted something Rachel was saying.

"Some Amy Winehouse song." Rachel flicked her hand to brush of the topic and pulled me into the bathroom. "She usually sings that sultry, emotionless, stuff. I like to sing songs with meaning and purpose."

I didn't even have to ask what she was singing for her to answer. We stopped by the sinks and mirrors. I looked to the three empty stalls behind us. Nobody was here.

"Me, I'm singing Carrie Underwood's top country hit, Last Name."

"Because you've married some guy that you don't know?" I kept straight lipped and with little emotion. I was kind of drained.

"Well, no. Because it's country night." She answered. "And the song fits my voice perfectly."

But I ignored her. "Because you have a last name?" I wasn't in the mood for Rachel. I thought I was. I thought she'd distract me from my tiny little moment of paranoia, but instead she was draining me, and kind of making me sleepy.

She just shook her head, rolled her eyes, and didn't further explain.

**XxXXXxX - **

_**Midnight**_

"I'm going to do you a favor, because you did one for me." Santana cornered me behind the bar. It was the first time we'd talked since the little boob-brush incident.

She was so close.

My eyes flicked down to her chest. It wasn't because of what had happened on stage earlier. _I think_. It was because her boobs were practically falling out. It looked like the button on her flannel was about to pop off. And she wasn't even wearing a shirt under her flannel. I could see her bra. Black.

I'd already shoved my freak out to the back of my mind, but with her boobs so close I was kind of starting to pull that thought and _that feeling_ from the back of my mind.

"I did a favor?" I glanced back down at her chest again and then looked back up at her. Her eyes were a little glossy. Only a little though. And her cheeks were flushed. I couldn't tell if it was from running around behind the bar and making drinks or if it was from the shots I'd seen her sneak throughout the night.

"Kind of." She looked around as if the answer were floating above my head. "Come in the back. You like money right?"

She grabbed my wrist and walked me back. She didn't have to pull, because I was quick to follow. We stopped right on the other side of the swinging door. As soon as the door swung back shut, the chaos from out in the bar muffled. It was like putting the Friday night crowd on mute, and then still hearing them because someone was watching the same thing in the next room over.

"You're giving me money?"

"In a way." She shrugged. "Take off you tank top."

"Why?" That's the last thing I thought she was going to say. But I did it anyway. Why not? "Okay." I started to unbutton my flannel. I figured by the time I got to the last button, she would have answered my question. Then I could decide whether or not to re-button.

"Guys tip bigger if you don't look like you're in the fifth grade and going to cowgirl camp." She looked me up and down. "No offense."

I wasn't offended, just a little taken aback. One second she's broken and crumbling, the next she's picking up those broken pieces, and the next she's still broken but hiding it so well that only someone who had seen her broken would know who they're looking at.

I'm looking at someone I just met. Who I want to get to know. And she's letting me do that. She didn't pull Rachel back here, or any of the other girls. Not even Quinn. I just wish I knew why she was pulling _me_ back here. And I won't be able to figure _that_ out and her out, if I'm not patient.

"Do you get big tips?" I was nearing the final buttons on my shirt.

"I make double what the other girls make. Easy." She paused as I reached my final button. I think she saw my hesitation. "Trust me?"

"Okay." I said something even though I don't think she was looking for an answer. I pulled off my flannel, handed it to her, and then pulled my tank top over my head. Thank goodness I hadn't worn a sports bra or that bra with the wire poking out.

I looked to her. I think she was shocked that I had actually done it.

"Here." She mumbled and I swapped shirts with her. She took my tank top and stuffed it in her back pocket like it was a bar towel. I took back my flannel.

"Do I wear mine like yours?" I asked when I had put my arm through the sleeves. She had the bottom three buttons done and the shirt was clinging to her waist, while her chest pushed up and out from the tightness shirt.

"Tie it." She hushed again. Her eyes were glued to mine. Was she afraid to look down? I didn't care. Plus, I'd looked at her boobs earlier.

"Tie it how?" I looked down to my open shirt. There wasn't a string.

She stepped forward. She was quick. Her hands grabbed the bottom of my shirt and she pulled it up until she had a good handful of fabric in each of her fists.

She smelled so good. It was overwhelming. It made me close my eyes and wish that I could get even closer to her. Maybe if I nuzzled into her neck I'd smell more. That's where I always sprayed my perfume.

She yanked the knot tight just below my chest. My body jerked with her movements.

"Open your eyes Britt." She said with her hands still holding my shirt.

I did. She wasn't any closer than earlier. I frowned at that. _Darn_. I'd hoped she'd end up closer so I could figure out why she smelled so good. Some type of flower. A sweet flower that was begging me to get closer.

"You don't like it?" She asked. She must have mistaken my frown.

I looked down and when I did she pulled her hands away from my shirt. _Darn again_.

Now my boobs looked like they were going to pop out and my stomach was so very visible to whoever wanted to look at it. "I can wear it like this?" I really wasn't that picky to say whether I liked it or not. But if she liked it…"Do you like it?"

"Hm?" She cocked her head like a puppy asking a question. Her nod was quick. "Yeah. It's fine."

She walked around me and pulled out the hair band from the end of my braid. She started to comb her fingers through and loosen my hair. I took off my cowboy hat and hugged it to my chest. The little tugs tingled. I wanted to close my eyes so bad. Especially when her fingertips scratched against my scalp.

Holy hell, what was going on?

She stepped around to the front of me and pulled my fallen hair over my shoulder. "I'll give you a loose braid. As she held my hair over my shoulder, she started to braid just the bottom half of it. "It looks like sex hair. Guys like it when they think you have sex."

"And they'll give me money?" I asked. This sounded vaguely similar to prostitution. But who am I to deny more money. I like money.

"That's the plan." She finished with the braid and looped the hair band near the bottom of it. "Done." She smiled with accomplishment and stepped back.

Her hair wasn't even braided. It was kinked like it had been braided for a little, but it was just pulled over her shoulders.

I'd give her a tip…

"So I look like I'm not in fifth grade right?" I smiled and put my hat back on.

She smiled too. "Right."

We both walked out into the bar. She dove right back into taking drink orders. It took me a second to adjust. Her smell was still in the back of my throat. I watched her. She was so fluid. Just moments ago she had been getting questionably close to me, and now she was back out here leaning over the counter and helping customers.

It had to be somewhere around midnight. The bar was so packed. I couldn't believe it. People had to constantly squeeze through and past each other when they were walking. Country music was playing. Nobody was singing on stage. Mercedes had sung last. Everyone cheered so loud for her. Now everyone was back to dancing, talking, and frantically trying to get more alcohol.

All of us girls were behind the bar now. Even Rachel. There wasn't any point in having her up front and there wasn't any point in having waitresses on the floor with this many people. So we were all stuck back here.

I looked to Santana again. She was filling a beer from the draft. My tank top was still in her back pocket.

"Hey." Tina darted by and towards the cooler on the other side of me. "Whoa," she stopped on her way by me again. "Where? What?" When I didn't respond, she looked to who I was looking at. Santana. "You're braver than I am." She was off again and back to a customer.

Braver how? By wearing this? I looked down to my chest. Or by talking to Santana?

Someone was staring at me. That was my cue to get back to work. I approached the bar. There was a pretty burly guy on the opposite side of the counter. His eyes were glued to my boobs. He didn't even bother to look up as he ordered a bucket of beers.

"Here doll." He slid me a ten-dollar bill after he'd already paid. "I'll be back for another bucket." And he was gone. I snatched the money like it was gold and shoved it in my pocket.

"Can I get a…." I couldn't hear the next guy over the crowd. So I leaned in closer. He repeated. "Can I get a whiskey sour?"

I nodded and started to make the drink. Tina was right next to me making something too. She glanced at me and from the corner of my eye I swear I saw her shake her head and smile.

"Are you singing tonight?" The guy asked, the one who had ordered the whiskey sour.

I shook my head no. _Hell no. _

"Six dollars." I slid the drink towards him.

"I have a tab." He leaned closer. "Artie Abrams."

I nodded and headed toward the till, before I forgot his name or his drink. Or before he left with the drink and didn't really have a tab. That has happened a few times.

"Hey wait." He called. At least I think he was calling me.

I looked back at him and stepped to the counter. I was always a little hesitant in these situations. Usually they end up in the guy saying something gross or inviting me to an after-party.

"What's your name?" He smiled. It was cute. His smile was big, white, and kind of magnetic.

Tina glanced over from the corner of her eye again.

I smiled and shrugged. Before I could feel guilty about not saying my name, I darted toward the till to enter his order. Will told us not to give out our name and not to _flirt _with customers while on the clock. He said it was because he didn't want us getting distracted and he didn't want guys clogging up the counter.

"He was kind of cute." Tina walked up to the till next to me. She had to lean in so I could hear her.

I searched for his name. _Abrams. _"Yeah." I nodded at her. He was cute in that sweater vest and bow tie kind of way.

"He won't stop looking over here." Tina nudged me.

I was still smiling. "Please stop. He'll think we're talking about him." It was way too busy for me to deal with Tina's little nudges. There was about a million customers waiting for a drink. Besides he was only talking to me because of how I look. Like Santana said, _guys like it when you look like you have sex. _

"Come on Brittany." Tina reached to the till and started punching in her order. "Talk to someone. You deserve it. Have a little fun."

"I am having fun." I glanced over her shoulder and saw Artie wave goodbye and head away from the bar.

"Have more fun." She said and darted off before I could respond.

Maybe she was right. Maybe she wasn't. I really didn't care. Either way, I wasn't looking for a relationship. Relationships kind of bored me. I've never dated a guy I really liked, or had a crush on anyone, I've never been dumped, and I've never cared to be in a relationship. With the way the girls around here talk about it, dating just seems like way too much trouble.

Some guys are cute. Sure. I find a lot of guys cute, but so what? I'd rather hang out with friends.

"You know your boobs are hanging out right?" Quinn brushed by me and leaned in to take an order from a customer.

I glanced at my chest. No they weren't.

She leaned back and started to type something into the till.

"I don't think so." I felt my lip pout.

"Brittany!" Rachel grabbed my wrist and tugged until I spun and faced her. "Where is your under shirt?" She pointed at my stomach. "Where are your clothes?"

Quinn glanced back. She smirked at me like she had won an argument and proven her point.

"I-"

Rachel pulled my wrist and yanked me back into the back room.

We busted through the _employee only_ swinging door and sped past where Santana and I had been standing seconds before. It felt like I was on roller blades and I was gliding. Rachel was pulling way too fast.

"Brittany…" She sighed, huffed, and stopped.

I crashed into her back. It nearly knocked the wind out of me.

We both stumbled a bit and when I looked up I saw Holly poking her head out of Will's office. "What's goin' on girlies?" She started walking toward us. "Hey there hot stuff." She smiled at me after she had glanced at my stomach. I smiled back. I felt my cheeks start to get sore from how big my smile got.

Holly manages the bar with Will. She was super nice. I loved working when she did, because it was like working with an older sister. Sometimes she drives me to get lunch when I forget mine and sometimes she brings an extra coffee to work when she knows I'm working. One of those ice cream coffees that make my entire body shake and make me want to talk louder than I should.

"Nothing's wrong Miss Holiday." Rachel folded her arms across her chest and faced me. Her eyes dipped down my body as if she were silently signaling her disapproval. She looked back at Holly.

"I told you to call me Holly." She stopped next to us.

"I was just bringing Brittany back here to fix her outfit." Rachel spoke to me, but directed her words at Holly.

I wanted to slap her. She figured that saying that in front of Holly would make it so she got her way. Rachel drove me insane sometimes. She'll do anything to get what she wants, no matter how petty it is.

"My outfit is fixed." I spoke monotone. It was my way of standing my ground without sounding bitchy. I wanted to get my point across, but I didn't want to be mean.

"You're outfit is halfway missing. You can't parade around here like this. You might as well be naked." She rolled her eyes again.

That was it. My spine stiffened. "Fine." I grabbed the knotted fabric near my chest. "I'll be naked." I continued to speak without much inflection in my voice, but I did as I said. I untied the shirt and started to pull it off.

"Hold up." Holly intervened.

I only stopped when my shirt was off and crumpled in my hands.

Rachel was wide eyed. Like she had been earlier when Santana called her out during the afternoon shift. She turned her eyes, and her body, away from me and to Holly.

_Crap. _Now I have to fix my shirt and I'm not sure whether I can make it look like Santana did.

"Brittany. I'm all for rocking your bod, but if you go topless then everyone's going to want to go topless. Especially our piano guy." She pinched her lips together. "We all know what happens when the band starts to get freaky."

She made me smile and it broke my frustration. I never could stay mad or irritated.

I started to put my arms back in the sleeves of my shirt.

"Now Rachel. We've already talked about this. You girls are free to wear what you want." Holly looked at Rachel. "As long as you're somewhat clothed." She glanced at me.

"You can't be serious Miss Holiday. Santana is out there with hardly any clothes on." Rachel turned and marched away. She always did that when she knew she wasn't going to win an argument, and in her eyes it was better to get the last word in.

"Santana has clothes on." I mumbled and started to try and tie my shirt like it had been earlier.

"Come on." Holly put her hand on my back and started to lead me towards the bar. "It's insane out there and we need you in the bar. And I'm betting you are totally digging on all the attention."

I blushed a little. "Should I put my tank top back on?"

"Do you want to?"

"I don't care."

We passed the employee bathroom and stopped in the middle of the backroom.

"I doubt that. You wouldn't have started taking your shirt off if you didn't care." Holly said.

I finished tying the shirt. I was surprised that it looked like it had earlier. It really wasn't that hard to tie. Maybe I could pretend that I didn't know how to tie it and ask Santana to help me again…

"Well," Holly put her hand back on my shoulder and led me towards the door. I'd forgotten to answer her."Santana's singing soon. Let's get you out to the bar."

When I stepped through the swinging door the chaos of the bar hit me like a mack truck. It was so so so so loud. My ears went fuzzy and my feet shook from the volume of the music.

Immediately I searched for Santana. She wasn't back here anymore. I stood on my tiptoes and tried to see the stage, but there were too many people in the way.

The current song was coming to an end. She's probably singing next.

My excitement skyrocketed. I'm not really sure why I got so excited, but I felt like I had just found a hundred bucks. Nervous frogs were hopping around my chest. If I was obsessed with the way she talked and addicted to the way she laughed, then I can't imagine what's going to happen when she started singing. Something awesome.

The song finally ended.

The smile on my face stretched so big. I clenched my fists to keep myself from jumping and dancing like one of the hippos from Fantasia. _Who am I kidding? _I looked for the closest person. Rachel. I patted her arm with so much enthusiasm that I think I might have scared her.

"Hey guys." Santana's voice filled the bar.

I wanted to see her. So bad. More than anything.

I grabbed Rachel's hand and started to lead her around the back of the bar and to the end of the counter.

"So I was hoping to get a line dance going with this one." She stopped speaking and the music started.

And when the music started I thought my chest was going to burst. It was the Lady Gaga song I'd been singing earlier. The one she'd caught me singing to and line dancing too.

My hand squeezed around Rachel's so tight. Her knuckles crunched together and I started to pull her quicker. We were nearly running as we started to squeeze through the crowd. She was trailing behind me and clinging on like I'd imagine a small child would do to its parent in a crowded store. Wide-eyed and unsure.

"_It's been a long time since you came around, been a long time but I'm back in town." _Her voice. It was perfect. If I thought my smile was going to explode off of my face earlier, now it was so big that I don't think I would be able to stop smiling for the rest of the night. "_This time I'm not leavin' without you." _

Her voice dug into my chest. I'd never heard someone sing like she did.

We reached the dance floor. They'd started a line dance. Half the people were laughing and bumping into each other and going the wrong way. I looked through all of them and _she_ was up on stage sitting on a stool. She was smiling too. It was so pretty.

It's weird how singing makes people show who they are. It makes you happy and vulnerable at the same time, because you're showing a beautiful part of yourself to someone. That's why I think people are more attracted to people that sing and stuff like that. It's because they're brave enough and willing enough to show themselves and they outshine everyone. Santana definitely was the brightest one here.

I tightened my grip around Rachel's hand even more.

"Brittany we can't." She laughed, but didn't resist as I lead her through the line-dancing crowd.

"Yes we can. For one song." I looked back.

I had my sights set on a spot closer up front and right in the middle. I wanted to be in the middle of everything. It was more fun that way. And that way Rachel would have a hard time chickening out.

"I don't even know how?" She leaned in and yelled into my ear. We had reached the spot I had my eye on.

"Just follow the crowd." I yelled back and started sidestepping with the group.

She followed me and I could hear her laughing the entire time. It made me laugh. I laughed harder when everyone switched directions and she panicked and she looked like she thought she had ruined the whole dance. I reached for her elbow and twisted her so she started stepping the right way.

She was stepping in front of me now. With her back to me. I grabbed her shoulders and directed her to the left. I couldn't stop laughing.

_This_ was the Rachel I loved.

We switched again. I twirled with the switch and started to put my own twist on the movements.

I loved dancing. I've always loved it. Whenever I danced I couldn't stop smiling. And I loved it when other people danced, especially when they usually didn't and they thought they didn't know how.

The song ended and everyone cheered. I started pumping my fist and cheering so loud that my throat was getting raw. I caught Rachel even cheering and smiling.

I stared at Santana as I yelled. I wanted her to see me. She probably wouldn't though, because if I were on stage I'd be having a nervous break down. The thought of having that many people look at me at once was a little overwhelming. And there were so many people out here.

"Thank you." She spoke into the mic.

She had me at, _hey guys. _Everything about her was everything I wanted to know. I've always been fascinated by people, by what they say, what they do, and why they do things, but this was different.


	4. Toilet Talk

**a/n: thank you all for your kind words! i love hearing what you have to say about this story. :) so as promised, here's an update. I'll have another posted within 3 days, all depending on how soon I get through my next chapter of writing! i hope you like this chapter-it was probably the hardest chapter of anything i have every written. but i think it turned out good ! Review. Enjoy. :)**

**Chapter 4 : Toilet Talk**

_**12 Years Ago**_

"How many did you catch?" I tried to peek at my sister's hands, but she turned her back to me.

I was talking about leaves. We were standing on the curb in the front yard. The street was lava and if you went out in it to catch a leaf then you could only be in it for three seconds. Cars that drove by were lava monsters, and people who walked by were baby lava monsters. And the crazy little neighbor girl who sped by in her big wheel was demon spawn. I don't think she spoke English, because on Christmas our neighbors always brought us tamales.

Anyway, whoever could catch the most leaves and kept them from melting in the lava was the winner. We were using them to make a clubhouse, which just ended up being a big old pile of crunchy leaves that we would hide in and whisper to each other and pretend nobody could hear us.

First rule of leaf clubhouse, you do not talk about leaf clubhouse. The second rule of leaf clubhouse, you DO NOT talk about leaf clubhouse.

It was our slogan. I thought of it.

The night before I had snuck into my dad's bedroom and watched the scariest movie ever. All I had to do was belly crawl in and toss a blanket over me at the foot of the bed. He didn't even know I was there, because he would have never let me watch a movie with punching and cussing.

I bragged to my sister about being able to watch a grown up movie, but told her if she told mom or dad then she'd get kicked out of the leaf clubhouse.

"So how many leaves do you have?" I asked Hailey. There was no way she was going to win. I had like four, big, crunchy ones.

"I have thirteen I think." Hailey said with her back still to me.

"Oh." My shoulders dropped. "Want to keep playing?"

My sister turned around with her leaves still clutched to her chest. "I guess. Yeah."

"Okay." I jumped with excitement and shook out my shirt so the leaf crumbs shot everywhere.

"Brittany!" My mom's voice boomed from inside the house. Both my sister and me snapped our heads in the direction of the house's front window. We were wide eyed. "Hailey!"

"Uh oh spaghettios." I mumbled.

"The lion's awake." My sister squeaked and giggled. She's been saying that since forever. My mom's hair always looked like a giant lion mane when she woke up.

Maybe she would think we're at the park if we didn't answer. "Come on!" I hissed, grabbed Hailey's hand, and pulled her toward the tree.

I crouched into a tiny little ball near the bottom of the trunk and Hailey flattened herself against the side facing the street. This is why we're super sneaky. We've found so many little hiding spots. Most of them are in the backyard. It was pointless though, because it's not like Mom really looked for us.

"Girls, now." My mom didn't yell, but the way she spoke meant that we _had _to go.

One time she told me to come inside when I was out in the backyard and trying to get the Guinness world record for jumping on a giant inflatable tire. I was at twenty-five when she told me to come in. It wasn't even dark yet. I tried to yell and say that I was jumping and would be right in, but I don't think she heard me. Then I got inside and she told me that since I didn't listen I couldn't take dance lessons for the new season. Worst day ever. I thought she was just trying to scare me, but then when my instructor called she made my dad say that I wouldn't be in class.

And then the next day when I was trying to play truth or dare with my sister in the car and Hailey dared me to not wear my seat belt, my mom took away my candy that I'd just got at the store. Second worse day ever.

In defeat, heads hanging and shoulders sagging, Hailey and me started kicking through the leaves and walking to the front door. I leapt up the porch step.

My body crashed into the door. It was locked and didn't open when I had turned the knob and pushed. "Oooof!' I bounced back into my sister.

She started laughing.

I knocked three times on the door. One. Two. Three. "Stop laughing dummy." I blindly reached behind me and tried to slap Hailey. That only made her giggle more.

I was getting mad. I wanted to play. It was getting dark soon and then I'd be stuck inside the boring house. I didn't want to go in yet and I didn't want to clean. Why couldn't it just wait? Cleaning was so pointless. It just gets dirty again.

"Mom?" I called through the door and knocked again. "It's locked."

I could see her through the window. She was sitting criss-cross-applesauce in the corner by the wood stove and smoking a cigarette.

"Just go around honey." She didn't bother to look up. I don't think she knew I could see her through the window.

"It's locked Mom." I sighed and knocked again. "Is Dad in there?"

"Go around. I just sat down."

So we went around. And we raced. I won. I usually won. My sister may be better at catching leaves, but I was way faster than she was.

The two of us rushed through the sliding glass door and into the kitchen. We were out of breath with rosy cheeks and runny noses.

"Check your shoes." My mom ordered from her spot in the living room.

The house kind of smelled like smoke. Not bad though, but I always worried if I smelled like it when I went to school. I asked Rachel once and she said that I smelled fine. Rachel doesn't lie about that stuff, so it's not really even that big of a deal.

I kicked off my shoes instead of checking them and raced to the middle of the living room. Maybe if I was quick we'd be able to go back outside and finish the leaf clubhouse.

"Brittany put away your shoes. You need to stop leaving them lying around everywhere." My mom sounded annoyed. Most days she woke up in an okay mood. Not today I guess.

"We're going to go back out." I shrugged. I wasn't leaving them _everywhere_ either. Just by the door.

"Just do it. I'm tired of tripping over them."

While she had my sister get her a soda from the garage, I hurried to my shoes and grabbed them. I pattered back across the leaving room and dropped them in front of the front door.

I skipped back to stand in front of her and waited for her to let me know what I needed to clean.

"They go in your room Brittany." My mom still wasn't satisfied.

"I was going to put them back on after I clean."

It was like she didn't hear me. "Put them where they belong. I'm not asking again."

"On my feet then?" I glanced back at the front door. I guess I could put them on. It wasn't really that big of a deal.

"Don't play stupid Brittany. Put your shoes away now." She cracked open the soda my sister had just handed her. "And stop pounding on the front door. You're going to bust it."

_What…?_ "I'm not pounding on anything..." I looked at Hailey. She was glancing back between me and my mom.

But my mom didn't say anything else. She didn't tell me what to clean either. So I stood there. And then I got tired of standing and I sat on the couch.

"What's for dinner?" It had to have been at least five minutes later.

Hailey had sat by me. We were watching America's Funniest Home Videos. It wasn't even funny.

"Just scrounge. Whatever's out there," my mom answered. That was what we'd had for dinner for the whole week. It wasn't like we didn't have food to make dinner. It was just that when my dad worked all day, he never got home in time to make it. So we usually just ate whatever we could find. Cereal. Peanut butter and jelly. I liked peanut butter and jelly.

"Can we go out again and play?" I dared to ask my mom. She was kind of into the show and probably had forgotten that we needed to clean the house. And I didn't want to ask her about cleaning, because offering to clean was the worst idea ever. If I asked she made me clean weird things like the oven or the garbage cans. So maybe if I asked her about playing then it'd be okay.

Sometimes if you _talked _to her and were excited and shared with her, she was okay. Like whenever I'd get sent to my room, I'd sneak back out after twenty minutes and ask her about what she was watching.

"We were catching the leaves before they went in the road. Hailey kept winning." And sometimes if I complimented Hailey my mom got into the conversation and forgot to be grumpy.

"I told you to stay out of the road."

**XXXxxxX**

"We weren't in it when the cars drove by." My eyes opened. It was like I had blinked. One second I was in my living room watching myself talk to my mom, and then the next second everything was different. I was awake.

There was something sticking to my face. Probably drool. It always happened when I fell asleep somewhere that wasn't home.

The pillow underneath me was soaked. I rubbed my cheek and wiped away the drool, groaned and rolled over. It was so bright. The light stung my eyes, so I snapped them back shut and flung the crook of my elbow over my face.

Where the hell was I? I usually didn't have dreams, and whenever I did it meant that I wasn't comfortable. I better not be passed out in some parking lot again.

I flapped my arms like I was making a snow angel. Carpet scratched my elbows and the blanket that was covering me slipped down my body. I tugged it back up and wadded it against my face.

"Yo. Are you up Brittany?" Someone's foot nudged my side.

_Wait_. I never figured out where I was. But wherever it was, this person knew my name. Gradually I inched the blanket down my face until my eyes were visible and I was staring at the ceiling.

I let my head fall to one side. Sam was standing above me. His eyes were slightly bugged, his lips were pinched which just made them pout out more than they already do, and his jaw was clenched. The last time he looked like that was when I flashed a trucker on our way home from the bar. He dared me, so it's his fault. It was an _I-can't-believe-you-did-that _look, mixed with a hint of _do-it-again. _

"Get up. You have work." He nudged me again with his foot. "And you talk way too much in your sleep."

Okay. Waking up here was fine. I knew Sam. We were pretty good friends. Just friends though, so it was totally okay to have sleepovers. Except, I'm pretty sure that everyone thought that we hooked up. We didn't. That'd be weird. Yeah he was attractive, but I wasn't attracted to him. He was like a brother.

"How do you know I have work?" I inched the blanket back up and covered my face.

"Because you told me at least twenty times last night. You kept begging me not to forget to wake you up." His bed creaked when he sat on it.

I must have been super drunk last night. I remembered drinking. And I kind of remembered telling him to wake me up. But I definitely remembered having to take four shots in a row to catch up, since everyone at the party was already trashed.

After my shift at Shuester's, Sam called and asked if I wanted to come to a party at his friends'. Of course I did. Tina went too, but she left way before we did.

"What time is it?" I groaned for the second time. I wanted to sleep. My head was starting to throb, I felt like I'd been sucking on cotton balls, and every inch of me felt heavy. "Hammer time." The words popped into my mind after I asked the question, because that's what Sam and his friends called it when you had to chug your beer.

I held back a gag.

"No." He snorted a laugh. "It's eleven. And you got drool all over my sister's pillow again."

"I wanna blow chunks." I started to chew on the blanket to try and distract my mouth. It was starting to water and not in the good _I'm getting rid of cotton mouth _way.

I rarely puked. Usually I just felt like puking and then nothing happened.

"You should get dressed." Sam stood up from his bed.

I flipped the blanket away to see him walking toward the door. He was already dressed and showered.

I peeked down at my own outfit. My jeans were still on, cowboy boots, but I was missing the red flannel. It's not like it really mattered, because the way I had been wearing it made it just look like bra with sleeves.

"Where's my phone?" I slapped the ground and fanned my arms around again. When I found nothing I shot up and started to look around his room.

My quick movement caught up with me. It felt like I was sitting on a dying merry-go-round. "Barf." I mumbled.

"It's up here." Sam reached to his dresser and picked it up.

"Did anyone call?" I asked. I'd been kind of expecting a call. Kind of. It wasn't really a big deal if I didn't get the call though. I probably wouldn't. If anything it was more of a hassle.

"Nope."

"Okay. Good." That made things easier. A little.

When I got to work I was five minutes early. I was going to walk in through the front, but my head was pounding way too hard to be able to talk to anybody. So I took the long way around and walked in through the loading room. That way I could adjust to the bar before Rachel was talking really loud at me, or Mercedes was trying to figure out why I looked like I was half-dead, and Tina was looking at me like she wanted to say _I told you so. _

As I passed the garbage the smell of old alcohol filled my nose. It hit me like I'd stuck a finger down my throat. I dropped my purse where I was standing and sprinted to the bathroom. _Shit, shit, shit. _

The employee bathroom door cracked against the wall when I slammed it open. Nobody was in here, because from that noise I'm pretty sure they would have screamed. Hopefully nobody heard it out front and decided to come watch me barf.

The handicap stall was the best. It was the biggest. I dropped to my knees, heaved, and nothing came out. My throat was on fire, my eyes were pooling with forced tears, and my tummy was cramping. But no vomit.

I used the hair band around my wrist and pulled my hair into a high sumo-bun. I was going to be here awhile.

Maybe I should go home. Nobody had seen me here yet so I could call in sick. I could hide out in my room, keep the TV on mute, and just watch it with subtitles. It would be like I wasn't even there.

But what if I puked in my bed?

I did that once. I came home after a party super drunk. My mom had been awake. At the time I remember trying to find a reason to explain why I was walking in at such a ridiculous hour. The only thing I could come up with was that I had bad cramps and no lady supplies. But my mom didn't ask _why_. I just walked in and headed straight to my room. Then I blacked out, and woke up because I was puking all over my pillow.

When I tried to get up and go to the bathroom I fell into my dresser. It was super loud. And then I just sat there until my mom walked in. She was super cool about it though. She even laughed when I told her I was hanging out with my underwear drawer. But she helped me to the bathroom and I sat in the tub while she changed my sheets.

My body heaved again. And again nothing came up. I never puked when I was in a convenient spot. An empty grunt slipped up my throat. This was so stupid. Why did I have to drink after work?

I closed my eyes and let my forehead fall to the seat. It was cold and my face felt like it was on fire. As gross as the toilet seat was, I could care less. Toilets were never gross when you're puking up alcohol. That applied to everyone. Being drunk or hung over meant that you had toilet germs immunity.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid." I mumbled to myself. It helped distract me from what was going on.

Shoes patted against the linoleum. Someone was here. It was Rachel. I knew it had to be her. She's always the one who finds me. It was like she was psychic and came to me whenever I was in distress. She was Batman and I was the city of Gotham. "It's the batman." I closed my eyes and gave in to the situation. She would nag at me, get me water, say something about this being what happens when I drink an excessive amount, and then grumble some more until I felt steady enough to stand up and thank her for her help.

"No, just me."

I shot my eyes open, but didn't lift my forehead. I could recognize her voice in a crowd of yelling people.

"Uh oh." I spoke aloud. _Uh oh _was for damn sure. I should have gone home. That would have ended up way better than this was going to. She was going to think I was gross.

I closed my eyes again. The light was starting to make my stomach burn. Or maybe that was my nerves. Either way it felt like snakes were crawling around my insides. And there was no use in finding an excuse or reason for what I was doing. I'm pretty creative, but no way did I have enough energy to make myself care about anything other than calming my stomach down.

"I have your purse." Santana spoke from behind me again.

"Thanks." I whispered. "You can just set it there. I didn't puke yet, so you can pee if you want."

"Do you want anything?" She asked. I could tell she was unsure of what to do. I hated putting her in this position. Or anyone for that matter. I didn't want her to feel obligated to help me, not only because I'd sat with her in the bathroom the other day, but because she had just caught me hanging onto a toilet. Me sitting with her in the bathroom yesterday was something I would do a hundred times again. But nobody wants to hang out by the toilet with someone who pukes up old vodka and stomach acid.

"No. I'm okay. I don't need anything." I answered quickly. If could just convince her I was fine, then it would be fine. All of this would be fine. "It'll be fine."

"You don't look fine."

There was a waiting silence. It only lasted a second, but it felt like a light year. She stepped into the stall with me. I heard her get closer. So I opened my eyes and peeked over to see her standing right next to me and the toilet.

"I'm just sick." I gave up and closed my eyes again. It was way too much work to worry about her and worry about not puking at the same time. It's not like I could force her to leave and it's not like I could force my tummy to stop being upset.

She didn't answer, but I heard her let out a breath.

Something touched the back of my neck. It sent chills down my spine. It was her hands. I peeked open my eyes again, kept my forehead against the toilet, and glanced over in her direction. She was sitting on her knees.

I snapped my eyes shut before she saw me look at her. I felt like she was a deer and if I spooked her then she'd run off. And as much as I didn't want her seeing me puke, and seeing me with a toilet seat mark on my forehead, I wanted her here more.

This wasn't about getting to know her. Or maybe it was. It was both. Sometimes you can only see things about people when they see certain things about you.

Her nails started to scratch against the bottom of my hairline. It was so soothing. It melted my insides. "Hmmm." I encouraged her.

We sat there for a long time. Longer than I'd ever sat in front of a toilet. It felt like I was starting to fall asleep. Like I'd just gotten out of a super hot shower, crawled in my bed still wearing a towel, turned the heater on, and then snuggled into the blankets.

Her fingers slipped through my hair. She scratched up, then back down to my neck. And she made patterns. I couldn't believe this was happening. Maybe I was dreaming again. Maybe I had passed out on the toilet.

"You feeling any better?" She whispered, and it didn't break the comfort between us. It was loud enough to stir me out of my trance, but still soft enough for me to keep my eyes closed.

"Yes." I said. I was feeling so much better. "You don't have to stay."

"I know."

I turned my head, opened my eyes, and rested my temple against the toilet seat. Indent on my forehead be damned.

She pulled her hand away from my neck and folded it on her lap with her other hand. Santana looked so out of place. Nobody as pretty as her should ever sit on a bathroom floor.

"I drank too much." I said. The least I owed her was the truth. But saying that felt like all of this was way over the top. Someone who went out and intentionally drank that much alcohol didn't deserve someone treating them like this. It wasn't like I had the flu or something. I felt stupid. I especially didn't deserve someone like her doing this for me. She had enough things to worry about, and enough stress. Looking at her was like seeing a million tiny cracks.

"That's okay." She hesitated, I saw her swallow, and then she moved her hand to my knee.

And suddenly it felt okay.

I felt okay. Except something was still tugging at my chest. I'd drowned it out earlier by just focusing on getting ready for work, but now I couldn't push it to the back of my mind anymore. It had shoved its way through everything and was begging for me to fix it. Words were on the tip of my tongue. I wanted to say them so bad.

So I did. "Can I tell you a secret?"

I didn't have secrets. At least I thought I didn't. And I've never told a secret. I usually just told people anything they asked.

She nodded her head and stopped rubbing my knee. She kept her hand still and waited for me to talk.

"Nobody called me last night." Those were the words that had been zipping in and out of every thing. I knew saying them didn't really give her enough information, but I couldn't even begin to describe the relief I felt after saying them.

She scooted closer and moved her hand to my back. Again she didn't move it, rub, or anything. She just touched me. "Who was supposed to call?"

My eyes got a little blurry. Tears were begging to fall. I couldn't cry though. I didn't want to cry. Especially about something so stupid. It wasn't like a promise was broken. "It's stupid."

There was a heartbeat in my head, right where I was resting it against the toilet seat. Never had I ever said anything like this to someone. And never did I think I would say it to someone I barely knew.

Having her this close to me didn't make any sense. Why was she here? Why didn't she just pretend not to hear me or see me? Why didn't she just sit back on the bathroom sink?

This wasn't a way to get to know her. Not at all. It had changed. Suddenly everything was about me, and that was a little overwhelming.

"It's not stupid." She pinched her eyebrows together, but then softened back up. "Who was supposed to call?"

I shrugged, but I knew the answer was coming. "My mom." My voice cracked a little, but I was able to keep tears from falling.

That look she gave me was heartbreaking. It felt like I was looking in a mirror. So I took it back. It really wasn't that big of a deal that she didn't call. "It's fine. I was just at a party and she didn't call to ask where I was." It felt stupid now that I said it out loud. "I told you it was stupid."

She narrowed her eyes at me. Just for a second. It was like she was trying to see into my brain and figure out what to say. "Is she okay? Maybe she fell asleep early."

"She's fine." I leaned up from the toilet and rubbed at my temple. It was numb. "I poked my head in her room when I stopped by my house to change before work and she was there." I had to lighten the situation quick. I didn't like this heavy feeling. I'm such an easygoing person. This wasn't me. "She doesn't usually call anyway. She probably figured I was staying at Tina's or Rachel's."

"Probably." She agreed with me. It looked like she wanted to say more. She just kept glancing from my eyes, to my hands, to her hands. "And stop saying its stupid, because it's not." She said it carefully. Like she was making sure that I heard it and understood it, and believed it.

"Too bad it's not raccoon night." I laughed and rubbed my eyes. The tears that had been stuck there rubbed off on my fingers, along with smeared make up.

She smiled. That was better.

She started to say something, stopped. Then she said it anyway. "What are you doing after work?"

"Nothing."

"You're off at four right?" She asked. When I nodded, she continued. "It's my nana's birthday. We're having a whole bunch of family over. There's enough food to feed an entire third world country."

"They'd get fire belly. On Survivor when they eat pizza for reward they all get sick." I again tried to lighten the mood. It seemed to work and it helped unwind my insides.

"Well, mis primos are always talking about the girls I work with. They're only like eight though, so it's not even a big deal. And my mom is always asking me about my friends. She told me to invite everyone from here." Santana widened her eyes at the thought. "Yeah right….But if you wanted…you could come over. There will be food and dessert. And then maybe my mom will stop knotting her panties in a bunch?"

I nodded yes. That sounded awesome. I loved meeting new people. And I loved food.

She smiled like I had just given her the biggest compliment in the world. Her hand slapped my knee. "Hop up." She shot up from the floor. "Let's get you fixed up and then tell Will that we were back here stocking."

I put both hands on the toilet and stood up. My legs were a little shaky from being folded underneath me for so long, but I stretched them out. She stood by me until I found my footing and then walked with me out of the stall and to the sinks.

I looked awful. Like a ghost. The bags under my eyes were huge and my eyeballs were so glossy and pink.

When I went to grab makeup from my purse, she was already digging through it. "Here." She pulled out my concealer and eyeliner. She flicked on the water faucet for me. "Wash all the old stuff off."

I did as she said. I rubbed and rinsed my face until it felt raw. And then I put on fresh makeup. "Thanks." I caught her eyes in the reflection of the mirror. She'd been watching me. Not staring. Just watching. And it wasn't uncomfortable. In fact, it was the most comfortable I'd been in a long time.

"Yeah." She hushed and nodded. "Oh, and here. You can borrow this." She pulled out a lip-gloss from her pocket and set it on the sink's counter. "Lip-gloss has literally saved my life during a hangover." She was over exaggerating, and it made me laugh.

I looked over at her lips, to her eyes, and then back to the mirror and at my own reflection. I couldn't stop my eyes from widening in dazed shock. Looking at her lips had sent a chill down my body. That feeling took me off guard.

Something was different about her. She kept surprising me. But the surprises were complicated. It made my mind backfire. I usually was so good when it came to being around people. This was new though. She was a different kind of person.

"You know what else saved my life." She continued, despite the so-very-obvious look I had given her. "Lime soda. I used to always take Tina's the next day at work. Caffeine is like magic. You should grab one when we get out there."

I nodded. Lime soda sounded kind of tasty.

When I fixed my hair and put the lip-gloss on, we both headed out of the bathroom and toward the front. I glanced at my phone. We'd been in the bathroom for half and hour.

"I have to check my tables." Santana said and headed down to the main floor once we'd walked from the back and through door that lead to the bar.

"There you are." Quinn looked happy to see me. She walked over from setting a beer in front of a customer. "Will wants us up here again today." She grazed my arm with her hand and then darted for the cooler.

I stood and watched her bring another round of beers to a few guys that sat on the stools just opposite the counter. She returned. "What's up with you?" Her smile faltered. "Are you sick?"

"No." I knew I'd said it too quickly. "Just had a long night."

"Yeah. Tina was telling me about the party earlier this morning. You're quite the party animal if I heard her correctly." Quinn tapped my arm again. She was teasing. She sure teased a lot.

I blushed a little. The thought of them talking about me was a little scary. Tina doesn't really lie or exaggerate when she tells stories, so whatever she had said was probably pretty close to the truth.

Quinn laughed. "It's fine. She didn't say anything bad."

"There wouldn't be anything bad to say." I responded. Quinn had mistaken my uncomfortableness. I didn't care that Quinn thought I partied like a rock star. I just didn't really ever put much thought into people talking about me. Good or bad. And the Quinn aspect magnified those feelings. She was cool. Instantly I had been drawn to her. Something about her was mysterious and appealing. Unique.

"Brittany there you are. Santana said you would be up here." Will walked up to the bar. "Quinn," he turned to her, "Would you mind if I borrowed Brittany for a second?"

"Just as long as I get her back." Quinn reached under the bar's counter and pulled out a few cups.

"Good." Will turned his attention back to me. "Come on."

"Am I in trouble, because I didn't do it." I hesitantly rounded the bar and followed him through the main floor. We were walking toward the stage. "And Santana said that we were in the back. I was here on time. I promise."

He glanced back at me. "You're not in trouble."

When we reached the stage, the rest of the girls were already up there sitting on stools. Mercedes was talking with Tina and Rachel, and Santana was sitting with a stool saved between her and Mercedes. And she was watching me.

"All right ladies." Will clapped once. "Brittany." He said my name and gestured to the empty stool on stage.

I nearly sprinted over to and up the stairs, and then took my seat next to Santana.

"Are we in trouble?" I spoke as soon as I sat down. I still wasn't convinced. Will has never had us meet up here. "And what about Quinn?" I glanced toward the bar. She was helping a customer. "Is she not invited?"

"I already talked to her." Will assured me. "And I needed her to watch the bar."

"Talked to her about what? I'm with Brittany." Mercedes glanced at me. "Are we in trouble?"

"No, no, no." He laughed. "Not at all. I just wanted to thank you all for your help, and congratulate you all on last night. It was the most profitable night yet."

"Yes." I pumped my fist once in the air.

"Carrie Underwood is the one we should be thanking." Rachel beamed. It was like she didn't even know four other people were sitting around her and she had to share the compliment. "Without her I wouldn't have been able to have sung such an inspiring song."

"Can it dwarf." Santana spoke. "Carrie Underwood would punch you in the schnoz if she knew you were talking about her."

_Dwarf? _As in tiny person? As in she's calling Rachel short? I smiled, but then that smile melted. What if Rachel found out I told that story about her to Quinn?

Rachel snapped her eyes to Santana and glared, but didn't say anything.

"I also wanted to congratulate Brittany," Will continued. Everyone moved their eyes to me.

"Are you sure? I didn't sing." I looked around at the girls. They looked just as confused as I did. "Santana sang." Everyone dragged their attention away from me and to Santana.

"That she did." Mercedes nodded with approval. "That song was off the hook."

"I agree." Tina leaned forward to look past me and Mercedes and at Santana. "It may have been your best performance yet."

Rachel scoffed, before Santana had the chance to thank them. But from the looks of it, Santana wasn't used to compliments, because she kind of looked like she took them with a grain of salt. Almost like she didn't believe them, or they were saying the obvious. I couldn't figure out which.

I looked over to her and my eyes dropped down her body and back up to her eyes. Sometimes if I looked at people I could read them. But that was a bad idea, because I wasn't really sneaky about my gaze. I snapped my attention back to Will.

"Why are we congratulating me?" I shook off another chill, like the one I had gotten in the bathroom.

"You had the highest sales last night."

"Yes." I raised both hands in the air. I wasn't sure what that meant, but it was definitely awesome. "What do I win?"

"She had the highest sales, because she worked the bar all day." Rachel didn't find this victory as fulfilling as I did. "And because she didn't sing on stage."

"Oh please." Santana leaned forward and looked past me to Rachel. "Last night you kept going on and on about how everyone in the bar stood still to watch you perform. Now explain to me how they could have been ordering drinks if they were watching your lame ass?"

"Enough guys." Will jumped in. "All of you did extraordinary. But Brittany," he looked up at me. "You won the opportunity to choose which albums play the rest of the day."

I smiled and turned to Mercedes. She held her hand up for a high-five. Will rarely let us choose the music, but when he did Mercedes and me usually picked pretty similar stuff.

"Just as long as she doesn't pick gangster rap." Rachel stood up and started to carry her stool to the back of the stage.

"That's up to her Rachel." Will held up his hands.

"Gangster rap." I chose right away. Rap was the best music to listen to while you worked.

"We can't have that blasting on a Sunday afternoon." Rachel immediately rejected.

"Why?" I shrugged. "Rap is like the best music ever. It appeals to every emotion. Sad, happy, angry. You can listen to rap when you're having a bad day, or when you're feeling sexy…or when you want others to know you're feeling sexy. The day of the week has nothing to do with music, it only has to do with how many people are at the grocery store."

"Couldn't have said it better myself." Mercedes hopped off her stool and carried it back to where Rachel had put hers.

"I second that wheezy." Santana said and walked back with Mercedes. She continued to chat with Mercedes while my attention was still on Will.

"So I'll put on the music. Good job again." He smiled and turned.

I leapt off the stage, while everyone else headed for the stairs. Suddenly I had all of this energy. I zipped back through the main floor and headed for the bar. I felt good. Happy. Work was going to be fun and go by quick. And I was beyond excited for hanging out with Santana. It still amazed me that she had acted that way with me and that she had been so nice. She was the nicest girl I'd ever met.

**xxXX**

thanks again stephanie :)


	5. Gravity

**a/n: here's another :) I think you're going to like it. Let me know? Enjoy :) And, listen to _Sara Bareilles - Gravity_, i you want to know what song is near the end. **

**Chapter 5 : Gravity**

I had no clue what to wear. I had been putting on and pulling off shirts for the past half hour. Usually I didn't care what I wore. I would just throw something on and bolt out the door. But I haven't ever eaten dinner with someone else's family, so I really wasn't sure what the dress code was.

Right now I was torn between three different shirts. Maybe I could ask my mom. I buttoned up a blue blouse and bolted out of my room and to the living room.

"Hey mom." I said. She was sitting by the wood stove. "Does this look okay?"

She looked up, narrowed her eyes, and nodded her head. "Yeah, it looks fine." She turned her body to face me. "Why don't you wear that black shirt you have? Where are you going?"

"To a friends house." I said. I could tell her who and explain everything, but Santana was going to be here any minute. I didn't have time to explain. And I had tried to tell Santana that I was able to drive, but she told me that she'd pick me up. "What black one?" I had like twenty black shirts.

"You need to date a cook." My mom pointed at the T.V. I looked and saw she was watching the food network. The food network was my all time favorite station to watch. Except it always made me hungry and I never had the ingredients to make anything.

"Yeah." I sighed. "Are you sure this looks okay? Does it look weird?"

I've always asked my mom about clothes, which makes no sense at all. The last time she bought an outfit was quite a few years ago. She never really needs new outfits, because for Christmas she just asks us to get her loose fitting t-shirts and sweats. Every Christmas I buy her a new pair of Costco sweats.

But having my mom like my outfit was exciting. Anyone having their mom approve of anything they do was what smiles were made of.

"That way he could cook us homemade meals, and cook these amazing dinners."

I nodded and pulled my lips into my mouth.

"Or you could date a baseball player and we could go watch him play." She laughed.

I smiled with her. I would love to go watch baseball games with her, even though I have absolutely no clue what would be happening. That's okay though, that's what cotton candy and peanuts were for.

"And then you could just hire a cook." She smiled even bigger. "And a maid of course."

"Okay." I waited until her attention was back on the TV and then turned on my heels.

She stopped me as I was heading back to my room. "Where are you going?"

"My friend's house." I said back.

"Is someone coming over? The house isn't clean so I don't want anyone inside."

"I know." I mumbled, went back in my room, and shut the door.

There was no black top I could remember my mom liking. I had no clue what she was talking about. Half of my clothes were thrown on my bed and the other half were on the floor of my closet. I gave up and sat next to the pile on my bed.

Hailey probably had it, but there was no way I was going to search through her room. That place was scary. I didn't have a towel one time before getting in the shower, and when I grabbed one off of her floor a spider crawled out of it. And another time me and her sat on her bed by the window with tape on our fingers and smashed the line of ants that were sneaking in through the window.

So I just grabbed my purse, phone, and headed out of my room and out the front door. I could just sit on the front porch and wait till she gets here.

But she was already here. She was standing by the garage and talking to my dad. My jaw dropped. How long had she been here?

"There she is." My dad noticed me first, since Santana's back was to me.

I quickly wiped away the look on my face and replaced it with a greeting smile. "Hello. You should have knocked." I walked up next to her. "Hey Dad, this is Santana. I work with her."

"That's what I hear." He smiled. "She was asking about your bike."

I looked in the garage. My bike was torn apart. And then I looked back at my Dad. He was covered in grease and black stains.

"It's broken."

"That's what I hear." Santana mimicked what my dad had said and exchanged a nod with him. My dad always was super chatty with my friends. It's like he never runs out of things to say.

"So what are you girls planning tonight?" He stepped back in the garage and toward my dirt bike.

"It's my nana's birthday. Brittany's coming so I don't go insane. That much family at once is just begging for trouble."

My dad chortled. He didn't laugh. He chortled. He has two types of laughs. The elephant laugh and this laugh. I would like to believe he was laughing like this to save both Santana and me from scariness of the elephant laugh, but I knew it was because he was involved with the conversation. He's like one of those people who usually didn't realize something was funny until it was funny and he was laughing. Not now though.

He had been expecting her humor. How long had they been talking?

"Well have fun." He glanced between both of us. "No keggers, and no boys." He chortled again. He always said that before I left. I wasn't sure whether he was entirely joking or not. Because I do go to keggers sometimes, but I don't know if he knows that. Probably not. Sometimes he jokes about me not riding on the back of a motorcycle with a Harley gang, sometimes he tells me not to smoke weed, and sometimes he tells me not to go to strip clubs. So it's kind of hit and miss as to whether he's getting cold or getting warm.

I followed Santana to her car. It was red and a lot nicer than mine. Not as expensive looking as Quinn's.

We drove to her house. It was kind of a long drive. But we talked a lot. Mostly it was small-talk. I asked her what we were eating, and how many people were there. And she asked about motocross. I don't think she's ever met someone who had a bike, because she didn't really know anything about it.

When we got to her house, I was kind of nervous and kind of excited. Her house was pretty big. At least three of my houses could fit in it. And it had a huge wrap around deck that her nana probably sits out on and drinks lemonade.

Little boys were running around in the front yard and playing tag. There were three of them. When they saw us they ran over.

"Hey little freaks." Santana rubbed the shortest ones head. "When's dinner ready?"

"Who's she?" The short boy whispered and then ducked behind Santana's legs before I could look at him.

"She's Brittany." Santana stepped back so that the hiding boy was visible.

He blushed and darted for her legs again. "_…bonita.." _it was the only thing I could hear him say.

Santana laughed so loud. "Si." She stepped away from him again. "Stop hiding you little freak." She held her hand out and caught his shoulder when he tried to hide behind her again. "He's really shy." Santana looked to me.

The little boy darted off and to the front door. Santana looked to the other two boys still standing by us. They were giggling with each other and nudging one another. They looked a little older than the other boy though. Probably the eight year old cousins she had told me about when we were in the bathroom at work.

"Boys." She got their attention. They looked up at her like she was the coolest thing in the world. "Where's my papa. Tu tio?"

"He's not here yet." One of the boys responded.

"Well let's get inside and get ready, yeah?" Santana put her hands on the back of their heads and directed the little boys to the house. She glanced over her shoulder at me. "Come on, dinner should be ready soon."

I followed them in. Her house was bigger than I thought. It was the biggest house I had ever been in. An older woman greeted her right away and Santana introduced her as her aunt. And then she introduced me to some of her uncles and another aunt. And then there was a tiny baby inside a crib in the living room. It was the cutest thing I had ever seen. She had to practically beg me to walk away from it, and kept saying that it wasn't cute when it _shit _and when it screamed.

"Hi mama." We walked into the kitchen. The kitchen alone was bigger than my living room and kitchen combined. Everything was gold. The cupboards, the accents on the tiled floor, and the flowers hanging by the window. "This is Brittany. I work with her."

The woman set a towel on the counter and walked toward me. "Hi." She smiled. She looked so young and fit. She didn't have any grey hair and she was wearing super fancy clothes. She held her hand out for me to shake. "Santana said she was bringing over a friend. It's nice to meet you. I'm Maria."

"Hello." I shook her hand.

"Glad to finally meet one of Santana's friends. I was beginning to think she lived a secret life." Maria joked.

Santana rolled her eyes. But it was the good kind of eye-roll. They fit together. They even looked like they were friends, which seemed completely insane.

"When's dinner ready?" Santana walked toward the stove and peeked at the food. "And where's papa?"

Her mom walked to a cupboard and started digging through it. Pans clanked. "He couldn't make it hija." Then she started speaking Spanish and I had no clue what she was saying.

Then Santana spoke Spanish. She looked offended. It was nothing like she had looked when she had been talking to her dad in the bathroom the other day. Then she stopped mid-sentence. Or at least it sounded like mid-sentence and then looked at me. "We'll just set the table." Santana faked a smile and then walked to a cupboard and pulled out dishes.

We set the table. I moved slowly so I didn't break anything. The entire time I regretted not paying attention, and actually passing, Spanish classes in high school.

As soon as the table was set everyone came to eat. The food smelled amazing. I didn't know what half of it was, but I didn't need to, because it was way better than peanut butter and jelly.

I sat by Santana and the little shy boy who had run off earlier. He kept drinking his milk fast and making me pour him glasses. But whenever he asked me to pour a glass he was really shy about it and didn't even make eye contact.

Santana's mom asked me questions. About work, where I lived, things like that. They were easy questions. And I think everyone liked me. They laughed sometimes when I said stuff and then they'd ask follow-up questions.

It was usually easy for me to talk to people. Probably because I liked to listen to people. Rachel told me that people liked to talk to me, because I was straight forward and it was easy to be around me. One of the biggest compliments I have ever gotten.

There were so many people at the table. I wanted to listen to all of the conversations at once. It was cool to eat at such a big table. The table at my house was used to put laundry and bills on. Two of the chairs are broken and if you move or bump the table, sometimes it wobbled, and one time it fell off its leg.

Santana leaned in, "Did you want to take leftovers home?" She asked me.

I looked at my plate. It was covered in tortilla, steak pieces, and ketchup. I only used ketchup after Santana's little cousin had asked for it. And I only squirted it on my plate when nobody was looking.

"Sure." I responded. "If that's okay."

"Please take it. It will be in the fridge for the next week if you don't."

"Okay." I reached for my drink. My mom would love this food. It was so good.

When I was finished I waited for Santana. She wasn't eating, but she was talking to her uncle about something. I wasn't sure what, because my crappy night sleep was starting to catch up with me. And the food that was crammed inside my stomach was started to make me even sleepier.

"Do you want ice cream?" Someone tugged on my shirt. I looked to my left. It was the little shy boy.

I nodded yes and he nearly leapt out of his chair with excitement.

"Hey," Santana stopped him. "Get your plate little man." He turned back around and squeezed between me and his chair to get his plate off the table. "And take Brittany's too."

I picked up my plate and stacked it on his.

"And this." Santana stacked her plate on the pile.

He rushed off and everyone started to clear the table. I offered to help, but they said it was okay and that I was a guest. So I just sat.

When Santana was out in the kitchen, the little boy came running back out to me. He had two ice cream cones in his hand. He handed me a pink one. "Pink for girls." He squeaked. "Hold this." He held out his blue ice cream and cone to me. I guess he was starting to get comfortable around me.

I grabbed the cone and he climbed back on his chair. When he was done scooting I handed the cone back to him.

"What about Santana?" I licked at my ice cream.

"She just eats it out of the carton." He bit into his ice cream. I cringed. My teeth even ached at the thought of biting into something so cold. "I know it's so icky."

"Yeah it is." I said. "You should tell her to stop."

"I did." His eyes got big. "And she never listens. She's so much taller. And she's the oldest. And she always makes me do her chores."

"Wow," I nodded at him. "She sounds so mean."

"Yeah…" he shrugged. Or at least it looked like a shrug. He was so tiny and so cute that maybe that was just him scooting in his chair. "Sometimes. But she's okay. My mom says not to give her a hard time."

"She does?" It may have sounded like I was pretending to be interesting, but I wasn't. I was desperate to learn about this girl and if I had to listen to a little boy talk about her than I was going to do it.

"Yeah. Uncle Lopez is a bully." He scrunched up his nose. "I'm glad he didn't come."

This conversation suddenly got way deeper than I thought I was going to go. Should I be knowing this stuff? This sounded like something Santana should tell me, especially if it had to do with her dad. "How old are you?" I changed the subject.

"Five and some change." He bit his ice cream again. There was blue all over his face.

"Guess how old I am?" I licked my cone.

"Way too old for you." Santana entered the dining room and rounded the table. She ruffled the little boys hair. "You need to not get that all over the place again or my mom is going to flip. It looks like blue exploded on your face."

"I won't." He said.

Santana sat on the other side of him, so the boy was in between us. She joked around with him for a little, and we all hung at the table until I finished my ice cream. He didn't finish his and just gave it to Santana to throw away.

"Where's the bathroom?" I asked as I tossed the rest of my cone into the kitchen garbage.

"I'll show you." Santana headed out of the kitchen and I followed her through the house.

flked through the living room where all of her family was sitting and chatting, and then we headed up the stairs. There were pictures lining the wall as we made our way up.

"Wait." I stopped. She stopped too. "Where's your nana? I thought this was her birthday."

I tried to remember if I had ever been introduced to her, but she never showed. I would have remembered.

"She fell asleep." Santana took another step up the stairs, and I continued to follow. "So we're just going to save the cake." We reached the top of the stairs and walked down a hallway. Santana stopped outside a room, reached in and flicked a light on. "Here you go." She pointed into the bathroom. "You pee and then I'll just be in my room." She turned to look at a door at the end of the hall.

I darted into the bathroom and shut it behind me. It was so clean. Everything was perfect. There weren't holes in the wall from the door being slammed open, there weren't clothes shoved in the corner, there wasn't a full garbage can, and the tissue was actually on the holder.

Their soap smelled like ginger. I washed my hands twice. This dinner hadn't been anything like I expected. I wasn't even sure what I expected. They were all so nice. She had more family than I had friends. And her little cousins were so cute.

I shut the bathroom light off and walked toward her room. I was kind of anxious to see it. I wanted to know what she had on her walls, and what her favorite color was, and whether she was messy or clean.

Her door was cracked open, so I pushed it and peeked my head in.

Santana was lying on her bed. She looked so defeated. It almost looked like her bed was sucking her into its blackness. And the lamp by her bed looked like it was muted and hazy and there's no way a girl this vibrant and bright should have such a dull lamp. And her walls shouldn't be black. Everything in this room felt a little muted.

"Hey," I stepped in the room and shut the door behind me.

"Oh." She sat up and pinched at her shirt to adjust it. "You ready to go?"

I shrugged and walked to her bed. _No. _I didn't want to go home. I would end up hiding out in my room and not being able to fall asleep. I would spend the entire night trying to figure out what was making Santana so sad, what her little cousin had been talking about when he said her dad was a bully, and being mad at myself for not just asking her.

"Are you sad?"

Her entire body language changed and her walls shot up. "No." She rolled her eyes and stood. "I was just sleepy." I would have believed her if it weren't for that brief second when I had walked in and I had seen that look on her face. And I might have believed her if it weren't for me seeing her cry yesterday. Nobody can cry like that and not be sad the next day.

"Sometimes when I'm sad I lay on my bed and listen to music so it makes me cry." I walked towards her, but didn't get too close. I still didn't feel like I had earned the right to be close to her. What she had done for me this afternoon at work in the bathroom still didn't seem real. "I know it sounds silly to make yourself cry. But it helps."

She looked hesitant and guarded. But if she was going to invite me into her home and give me food and be so nice, then I was going to be just as nice, if not nicer, to her.

"Some people can cry easy and some people need help." I could tell I wasn't going to get through this way. So I tried a different approach. I took a breath and sat on her bed. She turned to watch me. "I have to make myself cry because everything that happens is so little. It's impossible to cry at little things. But then they keep building up and building up and sometimes I just lay in my room like a starfish with my _iPod_ and I stare at the ceiling and sometimes I cry and sometimes I just lay there." That was a little more personal than I had wanted to share, but this wasn't about me.

"Does it help?" She whispered and started to fiddle with her fingers.

"Hm." I didn't whisper like she had. I spoke normal. "I think." I didn't have an answer. I didn't know if crying helped. It sure didn't solve the problem, but it made it seem less horrible. "Crying makes everything seem so big and so overwhelming at the time, and then when you stop crying you realize that things aren't really that big and you realize that you were able to stop crying."

Her eyes shifted. I could tell she was uncomfortable. That was the last thing I wanted. "Here lay back down." I told her.

Her forehead twitched, and then her face deadened an emotion that had tried to burst out. "That's okay. I can take you home if you're ready."

I almost let her. Almost. And if it had been any other person asking me, I would have said okay. I would never make someone do something that would make them uncomfortable and I would never make someone do something that they wouldn't like. But she just didn't know she would like this yet. And sometimes you have to ask people twice, because the first time you ask them they're programmed to say _I'm fine. _

"Please try." Now I whispered. "You don't have to cry. You can just lie down. That's all."

She gave in to my _please _so quickly. It was like I had found a magic word and if I said please then I could get anything I wanted.

"So I just lie down. That's all you want me to do, right?" She sat down on the edge of the bed.

I jumped up and ran toward her radio. "Yup." It was hard to hide my enthusiasm. Nobody took my advice. That was either because I was too afraid to give it, or because it was too stupid to take seriously in the first place. But she was listening to me. It was beyond exciting. "We should play Celine Dion, the _Titanic _song." I looked back at her.

She was already lying down, a little stiff, but it was a start. And she laughed. "I don't have that."

"What do you have?" I turned back to the _iPod_ and started to shuffle through her music. Most of it wasn't sad stuff, and there was no country at all.

"You pick."

"All this music isn't sad." I continued to search. She only had rock, scary heavy metal, reggae, and Alanis Morissette. "What's the slowest song you have? And what's a hollaback girl?"

I ran across a song. _Gravity. _It sounded kind of familiar and Sara Bareilles was super funny on that Sing-Off show. So I clicked it. A piano started playing. "Yay perfect." I put the song on repeat and spun to face Santana.

_Crap. _So now what do I do? Do I just stand here? That's kind of strange. I didn't want to just stand here and watch her. That's not going to make her feel comfortable at all. But I couldn't leave because she drove me. And I don't want to sit outside her door, because what if one of her little cousins comes by and asks why I got kicked out of her room.

"You don't have to stand there." She said without opening her eyes.

Already I saw she was beginning to relax. It had to be the song.

_You hold me without touch, you keep me without chains._

"You can lie down too."

She probably didn't think that her offer was that big of a deal. But I did. It was the most generous thing I had ever been offered. I find different things generous compared to most people. Like someone offering a piece of gum when they take out a pack, or donating blood, or stepping back when someone walks up to a group to so it looks like they walked into the middle and weren't stuck on the outside.

"Okay." I had to force myself not to run at the bed. I walked and I sat by her feet and I laid on my back.

We were pretty far apart. So I turned to lie on my shoulder and looked at her. Her eyes were closed so I'm not sure if she knew I was looking. She had to have felt the mattress move, so if she was _that _self-conscious she would have checked to see if I was looking.

Her face was still hard. It wasn't like she was hiding her emotions or her feelings. It was like she was thinking. "What are you thinking about?" I curled into myself a little to get comfortable. I pulled my arms to my chest and I tucked my knees up a little.

"Nothing."

That was a lie. I scooted just a little closer. "Sometimes at night when I can't fall asleep I sneak into my sisters room. And then we try to find ways to fall asleep. But nothing works, because I can't stop thinking about everything. Night time is the best time to think about everything, because you can just lay there and close your eyes and curl in your blankets and think."

She opened her eyes and let her head fall to the side. And she looked at me.

"But sometimes." I looked down at her hands that she had folded on her stomach. "If you think too much you can't fall asleep. So me and Hailey made up a game. We would make stories." I held up my hand and fanned my fingers out. "With our fingers. Each finger has a part in the story."

She didn't smile, didn't say anything, and didn't look away. She just kept listening. I wasn't used to people listening to me talk for so long. It made me take a few awkward gulps and weird breaths. But I continued.

"Can I try it on you?" I tucked my hands back to my chest.

She nodded _yes. _

_Set me free. Leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am…_

I reached out and grabbed her hand. I pulled it in between us. "This is Phillip." I pinched her pointer finger in between my thumb and my other fingers. "Oh, and the names have to start with the same letter as what the finger is called."

Her little giggle was sweet. I hadn't heard her laugh like that yet. I liked it.

I moved to the next finger. Her middle finger. "Phillip is best friends with Mercedes."

She interrupted. "You can't name my finger Mercedes."

"Shhh." I frowned. "No interrupting."

She pinched her lips shut, but the corner of her lips lifted up.

"Okay. So Mercedes is the tallest and naturally needs someone just as tall to hang out with and play basketball with." While holding her middle finger I used my own finger to hook around the next finger. "And Rachel is her friend. They shoot hoops all the time."

The scowl on Santana's face almost made me take it back. But I couldn't restart a story before it was finished. "And since the both of them were kind of tall, they would never see poor little Pinky." I linked my pinky with hers.

"Pinky doesn't have a name?" She looked down at our hands.

It wasn't romantic. The way we had linked pinkies was just simple. It didn't have to have a reason or a purpose or anything. She didn't seem to think so either. She let me do it without even flinching or taking a double look, or widening her eyes.

_The song restarted._

"Pinky _is_ his name. So he doesn't get confused with Phillip."

"Oh." Her lips made an _O._ She turned her head to look back up at the ceiling and closed her eyes. "Continue please."

"So Pinky kind of didn't fit in. It looked like he did because he was part of the hand, but everyone was way taller. So now he always hangs out with other fingers named Pinky." I squeezed her pinkie in mine. "The end."

"That's it?" She kept her eyes closed and facing toward the roof. "Is that a story you and your sister share?" She asked.

"No. We don't share a certain one. We always make new ones. And we haven't played since we were little."

_Here I am and I stand so tall, I'm just the way I'm supposed to be…But you're on to me and all over me._

"How old is your sister?" She was whispering now. Her voice was just audible under the song.

"Sixteen." I lowered my voice to match hers. "Three and a half years younger than me."

Neither of us talked for a little. I wasn't really sure what to say, I didn't have anything I needed to say, and I liked just lying here. I liked the song. I liked being around her. If I knew why I liked everything about her so much, then maybe I would have a question for her. Instead I felt my eyes start to close.

"Can I tell you a secret?" Her voice jolted my eyes back open.

She still had hers closed. She probably didn't know I had started to fall asleep. "Yes."

It took a while for her to talk again. But she did. "I wanted my dad here tonight."

"Yeah?" I waited for her to continue. My eyes flickered to every single feature on her face. Her lips that had given me chills, her eyelids that were covering the most emotional and darkest eyes I had ever seen, and then down to our pinkies that were still linked.

"I wish he would have been here." She repeated herself.

I knew exactly how she felt. Maybe that's why she told me that. Because of what I had said about my mom. More than anything I now really, really, truly believed that you had to sacrifice part of yourself to see part of someone else.

She didn't cry like I had started to earlier. She held her face stiff.

I scooted closer. I'm not sure what made me want to do this. It didn't seem like a bad idea, it just seemed like something she needed.

I closed my eyes and pressed my lips to her cheek. Her skin was so soft and warm. It made my lips feel like I had been sucking on ice cubes. "A kiss to the cheek makes sadness feel weak." My dad used to say it to me when I would cry.

I inched back a little from her face. Not much though. Her smile was so big. That was a relief. "Did it work? Does your sadness feel weak?"

"A little." Her smile slowly disappeared.

"Want me to do it again?" I whispered into her ear since I was so close.

"Yes." She whispered back.

This time I took the hand that wasn't linked to her pinkie and I cupped the opposite side of her face. I pulled her face to my lips and pushed her cheek against my mouth. I held it like that. I held the kiss until I needed to breath.

I took a breath. And then kissed again.

My lips would break to take a breath, and then I'd press my lips to her again.

"Keep going." She mumbled. Her pinky tightened around mine.

Those words were not what I was expecting her to say at all. I actually was waiting for me to start wondering if kissing her cheek was still okay. But she told me to keep going, before my mind had time to wonder if I should.

I wasn't sure where she wanted me to keep going to. So I just kept doing what I was doing. I kept my lips puckered and I kissed her skin that now felt like it was on fire.

She turned her face away from me and my hand slid down to lightly wrap against her neck. I used my thumb to brush against her jawline. I could feel her melting under my touch. She liked it.

I wanted to try something. My heart started to thud with the thought. But my lips were already on her, so what was the worst that could happen?

I think she felt my hesitation. When I moved my lips back to take another breath I waited for a second. Then I just did it. Instead of puckering my lips and pushing them against her, I kissed below her ear. It was open-mouthed and I swallowed her skin into my mouth.

My heart paused when I did that, my tummy tumbled, and my downstairs tightened so tight that it felt like it was going to pop. I didn't know that could happen. It made me let out a heavy breath into her ear.

I have heard about butterflies in your stomach, but I have never gotten them. I've never gotten turned on, and I've never breathed like _that. _And she wasn't even touching me, I was just kissing her.

I froze. I didn't know if it was okay. I hadn't meant to do that. "Sorry." I whispered. My voice was so shaky. My entire body was heating up and I didn't know if it was because of embarrassment or because I was getting turned on.

She just turned her face farther away from me and exposed more of her neck.

I probably looked like a kid in a candy store. Bug eyed. Was she going to let me keep going?

I eased back to her and my lips swallowed her skin again. This time it was just below her jaw. I kissed again, and again, and again. I was making out with her neck. It tasted good, it felt good, and it made me feel good.

My mouth made a popping wet noise against her. I was moving quicker. I wanted to kiss every inch of her neck and her cheek. But I hadn't even gotten all the spots by her ear yet.

The tumbling in my tummy was getting out of control. I had to slow down. But I didn't want to slow down. I didn't want this feeling to stop, because I was afraid I'd never get it back again. But I didn't want to make her feel weird.

So I slowed.

My tongue slipped out and licked below her ear, before my mouth caught the same spot and I kissed away her goosebumps. She squirmed and I heard a muted breath force itself from her lips.

As much as I wanted to keep going, I couldn't. I wasn't ready. I didn't know what I was doing, and I didn't know what this meant. And if I had all those questions, I'm sure she had questions and confusion too.

I slowed my kissing even more, and now I was just pecking her cheek again.

The song must have been on it's twentieth repeat. Poor _iPod _was going to over-work itself. My eyes started to get heavy. I pushed my lips to her cheek again and held. I could feel my pinkie loosen from hers as I started to drift off.

I took a lazy breath, and kissed her cheek again. I kissed until I couldn't stay awake any longer.


	6. Firsts

**a/n: so...the response to last chapter was overwhelming and when I signed on the next day to check my email I never expected to see all of your nice words (i'm still in shock). your reviews make this worth it :) Quick word-i absolutely love writing for Brittany. it's something i have to overthink just so i don't have 'her' overthinking but instead keeping things very straight-forward. anyway, i would LOVE to hear your feedback on this chapter. i think it takes on a lot of different issues and opens the door for a lot of discussion and interpretation. Enjoy :)**

**Chapter 6 : Firsts**

"Brittany." She whispered my name.

I was awake. I had been awake for a few minutes. I think I had woken up the first time she said my name, but there really wasn't a way for me to figure that out unless I asked her, which I'm obviously not going to do right now. I wanted to stay _asleep _andstay curled up to her.

"Brittany," she spoke into my hair. My face was tucked into the crook of her neck, I was spooning against her side and she was still lying on her back. "I know you're awake. Your breathing changed."

"I'm falling back asleep." I mumbled and scooted even closer to her. That smell that I had been dying to find on her the other night at the bar was so close. I had tasted it earlier on her neck. A smell that made my toes curl and my body unwind, and a taste that had made my insides squeeze so tight and my lips so wet.

She laughed softly. "Do you need me to take you home? It's really late."

"No way Jose." I grabbed onto a fistful of her shirt and rested my fist on her stomach. I tried to change the subject. "What happened to the song?" I kept my eyes closed and listened for music. All I could hear was a pulse in my ear from where it had been smashed against her sheets for however long I had been asleep.

"It shut off." She said. "Now Gravity is on my top played list and I'm going to have to fix _that_ before someone finds out or I'll never be taken seriously."

"Why not?" I paused. "It's a good song." What would a song have to do with how seriously someone takes you? People take Mercedes more seriously than they take me, and we both listen to gangster rap. Songs are for singing, or for making you feel better, or for dancing.

"Yeah, it is…" She shuffled a little, but I still kept a tight grip on her shirt. "Are you sure you don't need me to take you home?"

Maybe she was trying to ask politely if I wanted to leave? I let go of her shirt and pulled my hand back to myself. She probably didn't like what had happened earlier. The kissing thing. We didn't even kiss on the lips, so it didn't count. My tummy tightened at the thought of really kissing her. "Do you want me to go home? I won't get mad if you do. And I hope its okay that I kissed your cheek." I felt my face heating up and was thankful that my eyes were closed. "Rachel used to make heavy breath noises when I would get annoying, so she didn't have to actually tell me to stop talking, or tell me that she needed her space."

"Rachel's annoying." Santana said very plain and simple like. "You're not annoying."

She hadn't really given me the answer I was looking for. Probably because I said way too much at once. "Do you want me to go?" I finally opened my eyes. She wasn't looking at me. She was staring at the ceiling, just like she had been doing earlier when the song was playing.

"No." She hushed. It looked like it was hard for her to say, but not because she didn't want to say it.

"Okay," I perked up. A huge smile stretched across my face. "I'll stay." I reached back and grabbed that same crumpled handful of her shirt.

We lay still for a little while longer. There's no way she was mad about what happened earlier. I remembered she let out a shaky breath just like I had done. I wonder if that's because she liked it like I had liked it…

"You're phone was going off." She broke the silence. "Earlier, when you were sleeping."

That had to be why she woke me up. I wonder if she thought my mom was calling…It was probably just a text message from Sam or Tina. It could wait. I didn't respond to her. Not vocally anyway. Instead I just tightened my grip on her shirt and pressed my fist softly into her, until I felt her ribs against my knuckles.

She was so pretty. I liked that she let me look at her without getting all weird about it. Most people get fidgety and upset if you stare at them too long. She wasn't most people. And she was probably used to people staring.

I kind of wanted to ask her to tell me a story, so I could watch her talk and watch her lips move. She had awesome lips and I would do almost anything to watch them move.

"Is that something you do a lot?" She spoke and I hadn't been expecting it. Her eyelashes had distracted me and she didn't even warn me before she talked.

I locked my eyes on her lips before I said anything, just so I wouldn't miss her talking. "Stare?"

"What?" She slid her eyes in my direction and they pulled my attention away from her lips yet again. "No. Uh." She looked back up at the ceiling. "Earlier, during that song. With me." Her words came out with so much tension. They were tight and short.

"Of course." I quickly tried to reassure her and let her know that it was an okay question to ask, and I was okay with what had happened. "Rachel used to always makes me-"

"Hold up." Her eyebrows knitted and she jerked her head to look at me. "Rachel? Really? No way." She shook her head and gave me a weird little laugh. "Don't finish that."

So I didn't finish it. I guess she really _really_ didn't like Rachel.

"No. You have to finish it." She looked back at me after trying to pull her eyes away. Her words were still full of tension, but they were quick and impatient now.

I cleared my throat. "Well," I unclenched my fist and patted the crumply fabric on her tummy. And then I grabbed her shirt again. _Please, please, please, say the right words_. "Sometimes she would get mad at someone and make me talk to her on the phone for a super long time. And half of the time she didn't even talk, which was a little confusing." I paused. "Oh and you didn't _make_ me do anything. I wanted to do it." I clarified so she didn't think I was implying it.

She took in a deep breath. My hand lifted with the air that filled her stomach, and then she let it out in a sharp breathed laugh. "Okay. Good." She coughed, shook her head with a short shake, and then continued, "I mean, I didn't suspect Rachel would...She's completely obsessed with the guy that Quinn talks too…" Santana just stopped talking.

I wanted to ask about the guy, because I hadn't heard about him, but I had another question. After a lot of experience, I knew when I didn't answer a question properly. "What'd you mean by something I do a lot?"

"Never mind." She closed her eyes.

I watched her until the answer slapped me in the face. It was so obvious. Why couldn't I have caught on when she asked the question? "You mean kissing your neck?" Of course she would be asking about that. It wasn't exactly common for pecks on the cheek to turn into a sexy-make-out-with-your-neck session.

Her body stiffened when I said it.

"I do hope it was okay that I kissed your neck." I waited for her to say something, but her eyes were still closed. "I liked it." I mumbled. She was clearly a little uncomfortable talking about it, so maybe if I said I liked it, then it would make it better for her.

She didn't answer right away. But she opened her eyes, the corner of her lips lifted into a very subtle smile, and then she moved her head in my direction to make eye contact. I mimicked her smile. The smile was momentary and she turned to look back up at the ceiling.

"Do you want to get ready for bed?" She asked once I had closed my eyes.

"I am ready. My eyeballs are sleepy." I could feel my body starting to pull me back asleep. It never was hard for me to sleep if I was comfortable, and I was more than comfortable right now. "Aren't you sleepy? Did I wake you up? Sometimes I talk in my sleep. I don't snore though."

Her stomach lifted with another laugh. "No. You don't snore. And you didn't wake me up. I've been awake."

"Oh, cause my phone?" I wished I had just put it on silent. It was stuffed in my back pocket. At least it should be. If not, then it was close enough for Santana to hear, and not even worth looking for right now.

I opened my eyes back up. A tiny part of me was worried that she hadn't been able to fall asleep because I was in her personal bubble. That part was tiny though, because even though that song was supposed to make her stop thinking and even though that finger story was supposed to make her stop too, I don't think she stopped thinking.

I had no clue what she was thinking about now. Probably a lot of things, because not just one thing makes someone that broken. But there's nothing I can do about all of that. Especially since I don't know anything specific about it or why she was the way she was. All I knew was that she invited me to dinner after being super nice to me in the bathroom, and that she let me kiss her neck.

I considered apologizing for clinging to her and finding out for sure that _that _wasn't the reason for her not being able to fall sleep. But I stopped myself. No way was I going to say sorry for holding onto her when the only thing I could give her was something to keep her grounded and keep her from getting carried away in her worries.

"You know why people hold hands?" I spoke to her cheek.

"No. Why?" She kept her eyes glued to the ceiling.

"There are two reasons." I moved my hand toward hers. The one that had been clutching her shirt. I slipped my pinky in between her folded fingers and hooked it around her own. I'm not usually shy with being close to people. "The first reason is so that a parent doesn't lose their kid when crossing the street." I joked. My favorite thing to do was make people smile.

It worked. She smiled. "Mmhm. And?"

"And number two is…so that one person knows that someone else is there. It's to keep people from thinking that they're all alone. Some people grab hands when they're looking for help, and some just need someone to grab their hand when they don't know that they're missing help."

"And who told you that?" She let her head fall to the side and caught my eyes with hers. Her eyes were so kind. The way she was looking at me was new. Nobody had ever looked at me like that. It looked like she thought I had told her I had a tree that grew money, or I knew where the Skittles rainbow was.

"Nobody told me." I tried to shrug, but because of the way I was lying it didn't really work. I didn't need anyone to tell me that. I just needed people to tell me things like passwords and people's names that I had forgotten, and in high school I needed lots of people to tell me over and over and over again how to cross-multiply.

"Let's get ready for bed. Brush our teeth and get in comfy clothes." She sat up and rolled off the bed.

I sat up and pulled my legs into butterfly wings. "I didn't bring a toothbrush." I grabbed my ankles. My shoes were still on. As carefully as possible I started to inch my feet towards the edge of her bed and off of her blankets. I always got in trouble for putting my shoes on things. "Are we going to have to go to my house to get it?"

"I have one you can use." She started walking toward her door and I leapt off the bed to follow her. She stopped when she reached her door. "You have to be quiet." She turned back to face me. "Everyone's sleeping."

I pulled my lips into my mouth and nodded.

She opened the door and we started to creep through the hallway. It was really dark. The only light was from the lamp in her room and that wasn't even bright. But when we got into the bathroom she turned the light on and quickly clicked the door shut behind us.

While she dug through the cabinet under the sink, I stood there until she handed me an unopened toothbrush.

"It's new?" I questioned and hesitantly took it from her.

"Whisper." She widened her eyes. "And of course it is."

"I don't want to waste it." I tried to hand it back to her, but she didn't take it.

"You're not wasting it." She grabbed her own toothbrush from a holder and put toothpaste on it. "You can keep it."

I looked at the packaged toothbrush in my hand. It was blue. Mine at home was pink. My dad had a blue one too, but if I used this one, then it would be okay, because it was still different from his blue one. And my toothbrush was kind of frayed anyway. "Thanks." I opened it and grabbed the toothpaste off the counter.

We didn't talk until we got back to her room. I had things I wanted to ask. Like, where she bought the soap in the bathroom and where everyone's rooms were. But I wanted to be quiet since she had asked me to.

She let me borrow a pair of her shorts and a t-shirt. And then she told me that she had to pee and left with her pajamas. And when she got back she was already changed. Sam does that all the time when I'm at his house. Changes in the bathroom, but makes it look like he's doing it because it was convenient.

I was sitting on her bed when she walked in. My clothes were piled in the corner of her room and the toothbrush was sitting on top of that pile right next to my phone.

"Your iPod is still dead." I said as she closed her door. She was wearing shorts too. Just like the ones she had let me borrow.

She tiptoed to her lamp. I think she forgot that she was safe in her room and didn't have to be as quiet. "I'll charge it tomorrow." She stopped by the lamp and held her fingers over the switch. "On or off?"

She was talking about the light. I always slept with the TV in my room on and then when I woke up in the morning I would turn it off. It made me feel comfortable, like someone was in the room with me and I wasn't in the scary darkness. But I guess it was okay to turn the lamp off now, because Santana was in the room. "Off." I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who needs a night light.

She clicked it off. Then it was black.

I listened to her walk through the room without a problem. The bed shifted when she sat on it.

"Am I on your side?" I turned to face the direction I figured she was sitting.

"I don't have a side." She continued to shift the bed and crawled into the blankets.

I did as she did. I scooted the blankets down and tucked my legs under the sheets. I laid down on her pillow and pulled the blankets back up to my chin. Her sheets were cold. Nothing like the warmness I had been lying in earlier when we had been on top of the blankets. "It's chilly in the blankies."

I felt so blind. I still couldn't see a thing. It was a little unnerving. It was hard to judge something or someone when you couldn't see them. And we didn't even check the room for spiders.

"Do you want another blanket?" She asked.

"No, that's okay." I said. I didn't want to make her get back up. And I would probably end up getting hot later. I always did, and my blankets always were kicked off the bed when I woke up. "It'll warm up."

A long time passed. I couldn't sleep. Now my mind was running wild. I couldn't stop thinking about her, what had happened earlier, what was going to happen tomorrow, and how excited I was. Maybe excited isn't the right word. I was anxious. I didn't know what to expect. I wanted to tell someone about her and about how nice she was. The food I had eaten was so tasty, and her little cousin was totally cute.

"I can't sleep." I spoke into the emptiness of her room.

"Me either."

Good, she was awake too.

I turned onto my shoulder and faced her. My eyes had adjusted and now I could see the outlines of things. She was already facing me. Is that how she had laid down?

"Want me to sing that song?" I asked. "On repeat?" But before she said yes or no, I continued. "But I don't know all the words."

All I heard was a little laugh from her.

I didn't like lying so far away. It wasn't necessary, especially after how close we had been earlier. "Can I lay on you?" I asked. The question slipped easily from my thoughts.

"Yes."

She shifted and I scooted back to her. I rested my head on her chest and I laid an arm over her stomach. My entire body melted into hers. It was so much more relaxing than lying on that cold pillow. Now I could hear her breathing, I could hear her heart beat, and I could hear her take gulps.

"Want me to sing something else?" My jaw moved against her chest.

"What about earlier when I caught you singing? You said you don't really sing." Her voice vibrated through her body and into my ear.

"Not in front of lots of people." I thought back to what had happened when she walked in on me singing that Lady Gaga song to the boxes. And then I smiled when I remembered she had sung it last night. I could never sing in front of that many people. Too scary. "I only have two songs memorized." I just went back to the question I had asked her. I didn't really have an answer as to why I didn't like to sing in front of people and it's hard to answer questions that have no answers. "I know a Little Mermaid song, and I know Fergalicious."

"Definitely Fergalicious."

I cleared my throat as quietly as I could, took in a shallow breath of air and started. "_Fergalicious, definition, make them boys go loco_." I mumbled into her shirt.

She started laughing and her stomach quivered with the silent laugh.

But I kept going. "_They want my treasure, so they get their pleasures from my photo_."

She tried to take a breath and her muted laugh squeaked.

It made me laugh too. "This isn't going to help you fall asleep." I grumbled and pouted. The pout was only to get her attention for a good reason, not because I really was upset.

"I'm sorry." She forced herself to stop laughing, but little laughs sometimes snuck past her wall. "I liked it, but you're right. We will never fall asleep if you sing that."

"Little Mermaid song then?" I asked.

"You don't have to sing. I'll fall asleep." She responded, and then we laid in silence for a little.

I listened to her heart beat and her breathing again. It was soothing. The way she ticked was so hypnotizing. Everything about her on the inside was so peaceful. "You're like a metric system." I slurred. I was really tired. My mouth felt heavy.

"Okay." The way she said that word was still and calm and it made me fall asleep.

**XXxxXXxx**

I couldn't figure out what that noise was. It sounded like someone was lifting the lid off of a can that had a tiny ocean inside of it, and then they were shutting the can after a few seconds. It only happened every once in awhile, so it wasn't worth the effort to open my eyes. And it was probably just the TV out in the living room anyway.

_Wait_, I had work. I snapped my eyes open.

There weren't any pink walls and I wasn't snuggled into my pink umbrella blanket. I was in Santana's room. Everything about her room was exactly opposite of my room. Dark. Shaded. Soft.

I peeked my head up, and saw a little boy sitting next to the door. It was Santana's little shy cousin. He was crashing two plastic dinosaurs against each other and then making little explosion noises. Had I stayed here all night? I looked around for a window, and saw light trying to peek through her curtains. And then I looked around the bed. I was alone.

When I looked back to the little boy he was standing by the side of the mattress. I jumped. He had scared me. His eyes got even bigger when he saw me jump.

"You look like a bush baby." My voice cracked through sleepiness. I let my head drop back down to the bed.

"What's a bush baby?"

I smiled at him and then started to stretch. "They're the tops of broccoli."

I looked back at him. His eyes were still wide. I don't think he got it. "Where's Santana?"

His eyes finally went back to normal size. "Oh yeah. She told me to wait for you to wake up. She's in the shower." He rolled his eyes. It looked so similar to the way I had seen Santana roll her eyes at her mom last night before dinner. "She woke me up." Now he was talking kind of loud. "But she gave me this." He dug in his pocket and pulled out a dollar.

"Why didn't she wake me up," I sat up.

The little boy just shrugged. "Want to eat creepies?"

I pulled out my phone. It was six in the morning. I worked at eight. _Creepies? _"What?" I looked back at him.

"Creepies."

"No, thank you." I whispered as politely as I could. Whatever that was, it didn't really sound like something I should eat.

"Okay." He frowned and then raced back to where he had been sitting earlier. His dinosaurs were lying on the floor over by the door.

Perfectly timed, as soon as he sat down, the door opened and knocked him over. He looked like a little weeble-wobble that tipped, but then easily sat straight back up. "Hey!" His eyebrows furrowed. "Bully, stop!"

Santana squeezed in through the little crack in the door and shut it behind her. "Shush little freak or everyone will wake up."

The expression on his face remained the same. Angry.

Santana walked to me. Her hair was wet and wavy and she was wearing fresh clothes. And she already had makeup on. "Did you eat?"

I shook my head no.

"I knew it." She mouthed and barely whispered. She turned back to her little cousin. "I told you to feed her. Give me my dollar back." She held out her hand.

The little boy stood up and darted out of the room without even picking up his dinosaurs. Santana walked over to the door to shut it behind him.

"He tried to feed me creepies." I explained.

She dropped her shoulders in defeat and pinched her lips. I could even see a tiny smile behind those pinched lips. It threw me a little. Last night she had been so open and playful and now she had put her walls right back up. Of course the walls were small, but they were still unnecessary.

"What are creepies?" I asked.

Now she smiled. Much better.

"Crepes." She walked over and flung the blanket off of me. "They're downstairs. My mom made them before she left for work."

I swung my legs off the bed and rubbed my eyes and she went over to her mirror.

I watched her run her fingers through her hair for a little, until she spoke again. "You work this morning right?" She turned back to look at me.

"At eight." I stood up and headed toward my clothes. "With Rachel. All day…" I wasn't complaining. Just saying. But I probably wouldn't have added the _all day _part if I had been working with Quinn or Tina or Mercedes…or her.

I picked up my phone first. I never had checked it last night. There were two new messages.

_Hey its Quinn. What are you doing tomorrow night? _

The other message was from my phone company saying that my bill was due soon.

I texted Quinn back. _I haven't decided. _

**XxXXxxX**

I was waiting outside of Shuester's in my truck. Quinn worked the evening shift and was almost off. She wanted me to pick her up and then we were going to go out to her friend's party. When she had asked me, I was so excited. I rushed home from work, I showered, and I picked out the best outfit I had. It wasn't hard to pick these clothes like it had been when I was trying to figure out what to wear to Santana's. I'd been to parties before. I knew how to dress.

The window was rolled down and I was resting my chin against the frame, staring at the front door. She should be walking out any second.

This was the first time someone had asked me to drive. It made me feel kind of necessary. Of course, I was glad that Santana had picked me up the other night, because I wouldn't have had enough gas to get there, and her house was super tricky to find.

Now that I'm thinking about it…Santana picking me up was the first time someone said they would pick me up to go hang out. Usually I just take myself and meet people. Two firsts in less than a week, I was on a roll.

Quinn walked out and I had to fight the urge to jump with excitement. This was going to be the best party ever.

Her little summer dress kind of made me feel like I had over-done the scandalous part of my outfit, but my choice in clothes has never steered me wrong in the past. And it was summer, so less clothes was better.

I waved at her, until she waved back and picked up her speed towards my car. When she got a little closer I reached for the passenger door and swung it open for her. "Hey!" I said as she climbed up into my truck.

"Holy crap Brittany, this thing is huge." She grunted as she finally reached the seat.

"That's what she said." I turned my truck on.

"I can already tell tonight is going to be interesting." She was joking. Then she slammed the door and turned her eyes back to me. "Are you even wearing pants?"

As soon as my car started I shot my attention to my lap. "Yeah," I grabbed the yellow baggy tank top I was wearing and lifted it up. "See I have shorts."

"This is cute." She reached over and fiddled with the scarf around my neck. "But a little out of season."

"I couldn't find my necklaces." I checked all my mirrors before backing up.

"Well, like I said, it's cute."

I stopped at the parking lot exit. "Which way?"

She gave me directions and after a few missed turns on my part, we arrived at her friend's house. It looked like the same size as mine, except all their grass was dead and there were dozens of cars parked out front. I parked down the street and we walked. The music was really loud. That was a good sign.

Quinn linked her arm through my elbow when we reached the brown grass. I'm kind of glad she did, because I was a little worried she would run in and chat with her friends and I would have to wander around by myself until someone offered me a beer. And then I would feel obligated to chat with them all night. It usually was the boys that I didn't want to talk to that offered beer. I guess they kind of came in handy sometimes because I made them guard the door while I peed.

The front door was already opened when we reached it. Some guy said hi to her, asked who her friend was, but she just pulled me right past them and into the house. It smelled like smoke and there were so many people inside.

Quinn didn't stop until a tall guy stepped out in front of us. It was that cute cashier from a few nights back. The one with the dopey grin.

"Hey Quinn." He stuffed his hands in his pockets. When he looked at me, I could tell he was a little shocked. His eyes went wide and he opened and closed his mouth a few times, before he could actually say words. "Hi…"

"Hello." I said back.

"You sure do look nice." He leaned down to me a little so he didn't have to yell so loud over the music. "But where's your rain boots?" He pointed at my feet.

"At home." I said. His compliment was charming.

The mohawk guy came over and slapped him on the back. "'Sup Finn?" He turned to look at Quinn, and then me. His eyes dropped down to my legs, lifted and paused at my chest, and then came to my eyes. "Holy shit." His expression quickly changed. "You're that girl from the other night."

"Brittany." I held out my hand for him to shake.

He took it with both of his hands. "Pleasure." He stepped closer. "If you need anything tonight you ask me. I'm your man." He was massaging my hand with his thumbs.

"No you're not." Quinn grabbed his forearm and pulled my hand out of his.

"Hey, hey." He held up his hands in defense. "There's enough of me to share."

"I don't want to share you." I said.

Everyone looked to me, eyebrows raised. Puck smirked, and then I realized that I should probably reword that. "I don't want you. You can share with yourself."

Finn laughed, and Quinn grinned and then pointed toward the kitchen. "Do you want anything to drink?" She asked me. Her hand lifted from around my elbow and moved to the middle of my back. Quinn seemed a lot like me. She was okay with touching and being close and wasn't shy. Except I still couldn't quite judge her reasoning yet. Maybe she was just naturally open and accepting and unguarded. Whatever her reasoning was I didn't care. I liked how she was so nice to me.

"Okay." I said. Of course I did. Free alcohol is a must have.

"Puck." She said. "Grab her a beer." She turned back to me. "Is beer okay?"

"Yes." I smiled.

Just like I wasn't used to being picked up by Santana, and I wasn't used to picking up Quinn, I wasn't used to a friend getting their guy friends to get me drinks at a party. Usually when I went out with the girls from work we all did our own thing and just talked with each other. But Quinn was treating me like it was my birthday and making sure everyone else did the same. This was going to be an awesome night.

Both Puck and Finn headed toward the kitchen.

"Are you dating one of them?" I asked her as soon as they were out of earshot.

She laughed and shook her head no. "That's a little more complicated of a story than we have time for." She glanced to the kitchen and then at me. "Why? Do you like one of them? Please tell me you don't."

"I don't." I said. Why did she care whether I liked one of them or not? "Finn's kind of cute, but that's it. Why? Should I not like them?"

"Oh, you can like anyone you want. Finn's a nice guy. Kind of a moron, but sweet. I'm just warning you. It's more of a hassle than it's worth." She dropped her hand from my back.

"What's a hassle?" I was starting to get a little confused and I was definitely missing something important. Quinn may be straight forward with everything she said, but this situation was a bit confusing. Did she think I would steal them from her? Cause I wouldn't. "Do you still like them? I don't like them. Neither of them."

"It's fine." She laughed it off. "Don't worry about it."

"All right." I shifted my eyes from her and around the room. That's when I noticed Santana was sitting on the couch. I could see her through a group of people. She was just staring at her phone. Kind of like she was waiting for someone to call. I frowned.

"Santana's here." I nudged Quinn and pointed across the room. "Did you invite her too?" Having both of them here at once would be the best thing ever.

"Definitely no. We don't go to parties together." She paused, and then looked to be choosing her words carefully. "Santana's not the ideal person to be at a party with. Or do anything with for that matter. And she's not very…open. She doesn't invite people places, or go places, unless it involves a _guy_. I've known the girl longer than anyone and I still know hardly anything about her."

Puck walked back and held a beer out for me.

"Thanks dude." I took it and took a heavy gulp from it. I cringed down the shock of the bitterness and took another gulp of the beer.

"I should have grabbed two. Girl can throw back." He looked impressed.

"Where's Finn?" Quinn yelled.

Her and Puck started talking. I turned and looked back to Santana. I wondered if she had noticed me yet. Probably not, because she was still staring at her phone.

"Hey, I'll be right back guys." I interrupted them.

They both looked to me, but I didn't wait for their okay to leave. They would see where I went, which was only like ten feet away. And then Quinn could come right over when she was done talking to Puck.

I pinched past the people and plopped on the couch right next to her. I jumped to land on my knees, so they were pressing into her leg when I sat back on my calves.

At first she looked pissed. And for a second I thought she was going to punch me. But then her face relaxed along with the rest of her body. "Shit, Brittany. Warn me next time."

"Will do." I took note not to jump at her like that unless I give a fair warning.

"I thought you were Puckerman coming to use some cheesy pick up line or some shit like that." She lifted her butt off the couch and stuffed her phone in her back pocket.

"Uh oh." I recoiled.

"What?" She looked around for something that I might be worriedabout, and then looked to me.

"Well, I was going to use a cheesy pick up line. But I'm glad that you gave me a heads up." I smiled.

She playfully rolled her eyes. Goodness, I could watch her roll her eyes all day long. Well, I might suggest for her to stop so she doesn't get motion sick after a while. "I'm so sure."

"I'm a fireman." I paused for a second before I finished. She clearly was a little thrown. Her forehead wrinkled. "Wanna see my hose?"

Her jaw dropped into a huge smile.

"I read it on the internet. I copy and paste funny things in a word document whenever I'm at home and super bored." I shifted and sat on my butt, with one leg folded under me and the other hanging down to the floor. "So what are you doing here?"

"You need to get a little better at checking your phone. I texted you like twenty minutes ago inviting you out."

I narrowed my eyes and held my breath. And then I pulled my phone out of my back pocket.

_Want to come to a party? ~Santana_

"Sorry." I put my phone back in my pocket. "I'll check it more often I promise. Actually," I pulled it back out of my pocket, "There, it's on very loud." I turned the volume up. "Now I can hear it."

"So you came with Quinn?"

When Santana asked me that, I remembered that I still had half a beer left. I lifted it too my lips and took a few gulps. "Yes. We've been planning it over text since I got off work." I set my beer on the coffee table. "Who'd you come with?"

"Myself." She seemed indifferent about it.

"I do that all the time. That way I don't lose the person I came with." I reached back for my beer and rested it on my thigh.

A bigger black guy walked up. He squeezed in between us and the coffee table and sat right next to the spot my beer had just been. "Ladies." He greeted and his knees brushed against my leg.

"What?" Santana said it quickly, with absolutely no patience in her tone.

"Clearly I wasn't talking to you." He turned his attention to me. "Name's Azimio, I haven't seen you before."

Santana wasn't finished. "Uh, dumbshit, you said _Ladies_. So yes you were. Now get your pathetic ass off the coffee table before it blows the fuck up, and go back to the high school you weren't able to graduate from and learn how to talk."

"Now you're talking about education are you? Well what's the plural word for sleeping with everyone?" He stood up. "You should know."

"Oh my God, you are such an idiot. Go away before you get me started." She flicked her hand at him.

"Oh, I'll be back." He looked at me and winked. And then he walked away.

I wasn't sure how to react. The way she had snapped at him was almost like she thought she had been cornered. That reaction had to have been what the girls at work saw and were trying to warn me about. But they clearly saw it from the wrong side. It's like she was digging for the cruelest things to say, not meaning a word of it, but just saying them so they'd back the _fuck _away from her.

"Sorry." She said. It shook me out of my dazed thoughts. "He's just kind of…" She searched for a word, because I knew she didn't have one. Sure he was a little forward, and a little intrusive, but none of the words justified the little conversation she had just had with him.

"You don't have to apologize." I said so that she could stop searching for a reason. She probably didn't even know why she was the way she was. Nobody really knows their own reasoning, because if they did, I would just ask them, and I could stop wondering about it all the time and trying to figure it out for myself.

Someone tapped my shoulder. I whipped around to see who it was, and came face to face with Mercedes. She smiled and leaned in to give me a hug. "Hey-hey girl." She wrapped one of her arms around me.

"What are you doing here?" I asked when she pulled away. I looked back at Santana to make sure she was okay with Mercedes walking up. I wasn't sure how tightly wound she was and I didn't want her biting Mercedes' head off. But Santana looked fine, she even offered a faint smile.

"Just stopped by with Tina. Her boyfriend invited us." Mercedes tapped my shoulder and gestured for me to scoot.

So I scooted closer to Santana, and gave her room to sit on the couch with us. I also pulled my leg out from under me and sat like a normal person.

When Mercedes was seated and comfortable she talked again. "Oh, and Quinn wanted me to tell you that she headed out."

"What?" My eyes widened. "Outside?"

"No, home." Mercedes clarified. "She said to let you know that she was a little bored and was just going to catch a ride home with Finn."

"Bored…" I blinked a few times. That didn't make any sense. "How could she be bored? We just got here? Like ten minutes ago. I'm not bored. She was talking to that boy. I said I was going to come right back." I leaned forward and tried to find her hiding in the scattered groups of people. There was no way she left. She couldn't possibly get bored that quickly when she told me that she was looking forward to the party at least three times.

Mercedes looked past me and to Santana.

"Am I boring? What if she forgot something in my car?" It felt like something was digging at my chest. It hurt and not in a physical pain type of way. It made me want to hold my breath until I could find Quinn and figure out why she left.

"Brittany," Mercedes laughed a little and then patted my knee, "it's fine. She's just going home."

It wasn't fine. I must have said something to make her want to leave. "She asked to come here with me, and said she was excited about it." I was fighting back tears. They weren't sad tears. They were frustrated and confused tears. I was frustrated at myself for being so clueless and rude. "I should have invited her over to talk. Or stayed over there when she was talking to that guy." I looked back to where Quinn had been standing only moments before.

"Brittany," Mercedes said my name again. "Quinn is a big girl. She could have walked her lazy ass over here if that were the case."

"So what's the case?" I pulled all my attention back to Mercedes. She always knew stuff like this, and always helped when I didn't know if I had said something wrong.

"Quinn's just Quinn." Mercedes shrugged.

That didn't help at all. "I didn't mean to ignore her. Should I call her?" I looked from Mercedes and then turned to Santana. She was tight-lipped, and when I tried to search her eyes for an answer, she just held still. She wasn't saying anything. She didn't even answer my question. She just kind of slowed everything down.

But this feeling was awful. It reminded me of that feeling I got when I saw my mom cry. It wasn't exactly the same, but it was pretty close.

"Look," Mercedes pointed at my beer and pulled my attention away from Santana, "finish your drink. I'll go grab us some more." She peeked past me and to Santana. "You want one?"

I felt Santana's eyes run over me, and then she looked back at Mercedes. "No, I'm good." She shook her head at the offer.

Mercedes pushed herself up from the couch and turned back to me. "If you're still worried about it tomorrow, just ask her. You're good at asking things. But I promise you that you'll be fine in five minutes, and I promise that you didn't do anything wrong." She nodded slowly, until I nodded with her. "All right. Be right back."

I tried to push the thought away and believe Mercedes. But people don't do things without reasons.


	7. Body Slammed

**a/n : all right. i first want to thank stephanie for helping me beta! and readers,**** thank you and in return here's chapter 7. leave a review. let me know your thoughts. it's interesting to read just how close some of you are on your interpretations and how far away others are. this chapter may raise more questions, should answer some? maybe. LOL. either way. i hope you enjoy it and like I said, let me know what you think. :) **

**Chapter 7 : Body Slammed**

Mercedes was wrong when she said it would take five minutes for me to feel better. It took a little more than just time and a lot less than five minutes. While Mercedes was in the kitchen grabbing drinks, Santana got my attention. She tapped my shoulder like she was timid, which only further proved my cornered dog theory. Timid people lash out, and timid people act timid. But why was she timid?

The way she got my attention didn't match the way she spoke, and the words she used. Not at all. "Quinn doesn't really like me. That's probably why she left. She's probably still butt-hurt about Puck and me doing the _deed_ while they were dating. She's stupid for dating him in the first place, which is exactly what I told her."

I swallowed the frustrated tears that had been clinging to my throat. "She said I was boring." Why would she say I was boring, if she was really mad? That made no sense at all.

"No." Santana shook her head. "She said _she_ was bored. It's Quinn code for she wants to get the fuck out of dodge. And she told Mercedes, because she knew Blabbermouth would come over here and announce it in front of me. Quinn has a way with taking every little thing she doesn't like and twisting it so she puts the blame on other people. So believe me when I say she's not mad at you and doesn't think you're boring."

And I believed her. I probably would have believed anything she said just because she had no reason to lie to me. She especially had no reason to lie about this and go out of her way to make Quinn, someone she doesn't even really like, look like she hadn't intentionally hurt me.

Mercedes came back with mixed drinks. They were better than the beer, but that's only because they had way more alcohol. I drank mine like it was water and then asked them if they wanted to mingle. So the three of us got up and headed into the kitchen. I was going to introduce them to Finn, but Santana already knew him and I just ended up whispering his name into Mercedes' ear. Apparently he had just gotten back from taking Quinn home.

Finn was totally nice. And even though he was super tall, he didn't try to look down my shirt more than once. And after the first time he did it, he got nervous and acted like I had caught him peeking in the girl's bathroom.

Santana didn't really talk that much to Finn. I got the impression that she was irritated with him. So she hung by my side, made a few _remarks, _but mostly just listened.

I was on my fourth drink when that Puck guy walked up, the one that Santana said Quinn had dated, and she had hooked up with. He looked a little different after that new knowledge. Now he wasn't the guy that had joked about me having to pay for a broken milk at the grocery store. He seemed a lot less charming and surprisingly, in a strange way, a lot less intimidating.

"So are you staying here?" He hung his arm over Santana's shoulder.

Finn and Mercedes stopped mid-conversation and everyone looked to see how Santana would react. She slipped out of his arm and stood on the other side of me. "I'll pass."

Puck looked like that had been the last thing he thought she would say. He also looked a little drunk, so maybe that's why his face was so blank.

I glanced to Mercedes, who also looked a little taken aback. Her eyebrows were lifted with shock and a touch of approval. It was the same look my mom gave me when I told her that I had changed my mind about spinach, and I now liked it.

"Well I'm not driving you home." He shrugged and then walked off.

Santana shrugged off the comment just like Puck had shrugged her off. I waited until Finn and Mercedes started chatting again before I said something to Santana. I didn't want it to look like she had nowhere else to go other than the new girl's house that she had just met at work. "You can stay at my house. My truck's outside." I spoke softly.

"Only if you let me drive." She smirked and held out her hand.

I had to force myself not to do a little victory dance. It would not have been much of a victory anyway, because I didn't even need to try very hard to get her to come over. "Deal." I smashed my hand in my shorts and pulled out the keys to my truck. It was probably a good idea that she drove anyway, since she was just drinking water.

She took them and looked just like I did. Like she was about to do her own little victory dance. I get excited too when someone lets me drive their car. But I'm positive her dance would be less of a dorky dance and more of a badass shrug.

I twisted back and forth on the balls of my feet with my hands folded behind my back. The alcohol was loosening me up and it was the only thing I could do to keep my enthusiasm from blowing up the entire house. I hadn't ever had a sleepover and now I was way too old for my mom to say no, especially if we showed up really late and Santana was already with me. She probably wouldn't even notice us if we snuck into my room.

"What are you doing?" Tina grinned at me and nudged my shoulder. I hadn't noticed when she walked up.

"Noooothing." I dragged out the word. I unclasped my hands from behind my back and reached forward to pat Tina on the arm. "What are you doing?"

"I came to find you. I haven't talked to you all night." She looked to my right. "Hey Santana." Tina was always like that. If she didn't exactly approve of someone, she still made it a point to acknowledge them.

Santana said hi back.

"Oh," Tina looked back at me. "Quinn texted me. She said to let you know she got home and she said that you needed to get better at checking your phone."

"Told you." Santana spoke. I wasn't sure what she was saying _told you _about. The Quinn not being mad at me thing, or the me needing to check my phone thing. It didn't really matter either way cause I just assumed she meant both.

I pulled out my phone and there was a text from Quinn. _Just got home. _

I didn't respond. Reading the text gave me mixed feelings. I liked that she had sent it to me, but why couldn't she have walked ten feet to say she was leaving in the first place. And I would have totally driven her home. So I just shoved my phone back in my pocket and continued to talk with everyone.

Before Santana and I left, I had one more beer. Five drinks was a good night for me. I wasn't wasted, just tipsy. After I peed and Santana watched the door, she asked if I was ready to go. I was way more than ready. The party was fun, but sleepovers were way more fun. We were halfway to my car before I realized I had forgotten to say bye to everyone.

"I'm sure they saw you leave." Santana stopped a few feet ahead of me. She walked back and grabbed my hand and I instantly started walking with her again. "And you told them that you were leaving soon at least twenty times." She laughed.

"Oh yeah." I thought I had been a little more subtle with my enthusiasm about leaving…guess not.

"Which car is yours?" She lifted my hand with hers to point at cars that were parked along the street. Her other hand was searching in her pocket.

"The big one." I kicked my foot up to _point _towards my truck.

"Holy shit. That's huge." Santana almost gasped. I wondered if she was way more excited to drive it now that she saw it was ginormous, or if she regretted offering to do so in the first place.

My truck was huge. One morning I walked out to find that my sister had written _Godzilla _across the back window with window marker. I hid her window markers in the couch cushions because even though I liked finding her secret notes written on my car, it was hard to wash off.

"We could squish Tokyo." I said before I let go of her hand and darted for the passenger door. It was weird to climb into. I had never been a passenger in my own car.

Santana was super awkward trying to climb into my truck. But I didn't laugh, because everyone always looked awkward.

She found my house really easily. I didn't even have to tell her where to turn. I just turned up the radio and talk-yelled over the music. I told her about the last time I had woken up from being drunk and was at my friend's house. And then I told her about my friend's little sister and how I had drooled all over her pillow. She said she didn't have siblings, just a million cousins.

"Do I park by the curb?" We pulled down my street.

"Yup. Under the tree."

So she pulled under the tree and shut my engine off. "Is someone awake?" She pointed at the front window of my house. The light was still on. "It's like two in the morning."

"My mom." I opened the door and slid from the seat down to the road. I continued talking when I got to her side. She didn't slide out as quickly as I had. "She stays up super late."

"Is it because you're not home?" Santana finally got out. She looked like one of those chubby boys in grade school that were too afraid to let go of the monkey bars even though they were like two inches away from the ground. But she safely made it to the ground and shut the door. "Does she wait up for you? Is it okay that I'm coming over?"

"No, no, and yes." I answered each question slowly, making sure I answered the right question with the right answer. "It's okay I promise." I knew that, because whenever I did have friends stop by, my mom was pretty nice to them. She would never be mean to someone for no reason.

Walking through the front yard kind of felt like I was walking a little too fast for everything to keep up with me. It was because I was drunk. But I could easily pull off a sober face if my mom said anything when we walked in. I turned and whispered to Santana when we reached the front door, "My room's on the right."

She nodded.

I turned the doorknob on the front door, opened it, kept my head down, and reached straight for my room's door. I would have fast-walked if it weren't for the fact that my room was literally right by the front door. I pointed to the open door that led to my room, waited until she walked by me, and then shut the front door behind us.

When I looked to the living room, my mom's back was to us. She was on the computer and had the headphones on. Easy-peasy. I smiled, and then leapt into my room.

The light was already on. Santana was slowly moving by my dresser and looking at pictures. There were like ten of them. I also had a collage on my wall of pictures and a corkboard that had random things stuck to it. She could spend hours looking through everything in here and probably still wouldn't be able to find it all.

I shut the door.

I looked at my bed. The sheets were all messy. "I only have one pillow." I said and walked to my bed. "You can use it though, because I usually knock it off the bed when I sleep." I sat on the crumply sheets.

"What's this?" She pulled a thumbtack out of my corkboard and grabbed the piece of paper it had been stuck through.

"My bucket list." I jump from the bed to stand by her. I looked over her shoulder as she read it.

"Gage your ears?" She looked up from the list and at me. "Really?"

I shrugged. "Not too big. Just tiny baby holes, so they'll go away when I change my mind."

She nodded and then looked back at the list. Her smile grew as she read through everything, and then she started saying them out loud. "Learn how to do cool braids, adopt a Haitian baby, ride in a helicopter…" She kept reading them. I loved it when people read the list. I used to keep it in my purse, but now I just kept it in my room so it didn't get smashed by my wallet. "Go to the North Pole?" She looked up from the paper again.

"I need to get a winter jacket before I do that. So I'll have to add that to the list." I took to remember to add that. All the pens were in the living room.

She started to read something and stopped. And then finished reading it. "Tell a secret?" She looked at me.

"I can scratch that off." Now I really wished I had a pen. "Do you have a pen?"

"No, sorry." She whispered, smiled, and slowly handed me the paper.

I tacked it back on the corkboard.

My door swished open. I snapped my attention so quickly to the door that it nearly made me dizzy. My mom looked shocked. Not shocked in a bad way. Just shocked because someone else was in my room.

"Oh," she softened, "hi."

Santana was a pro though. She didn't even flinch. "Hi I'm Santana. Brittany's friend."

My mom instantly took to her. "Hi. Cindy." She smiled. "What are you girls doing?"

"Just hanging out in my room." I said _my room_ for a reason. If I made it a point to specify where we would be, maybe my mom wouldn't worry so much about how clean the house was.

"I thought I heard you talking in here." My mom was still smiling. It wasn't a fake smile, my mom wasn't fake. She was who she was. And if she was smiling than it meant that she approved. "Are you staying the night?" She asked.

"If that's okay with you?" Santana responded. I was shocked with how well she handled herself. She looked so confident and mature.

"Of course it is. Well, it was nice meeting you." My mom said to Santana, and shut the door when Santana smiled back at her.

When the door shut it felt like a huge weight lifted. That was so much better than I thought it was going to be. My mom didn't even get mad. I could have started having sleepovers a long time ago if I had known it would be this easy.

"She doesn't think it's weird that we're here so late?" Santana questioned. I guess she was a little surprised too by how easy it was for me to have sleepovers. Then again, maybe I hadn't given her the best impression of my mom when I had been nearly crying about her and hanging onto a toilet.

Of course my mom didn't think it was weird that it was so late. She stayed up late. If she thought it was weird then she would go to sleep. My mom has _never _made a comment about me coming home late. "No." I shrugged. "I come home late all the time."

There were sweats and t-shirts on my dresser. I headed to the pile of clothes and picked up some for Santana. "Here." I handed them to her. "You can use these." It was an over-sized pair of sweatpants and a green shirt with a beach on it. "I'll be right back." I had to pee, and that way she didn't have to walk through my house and to the bathroom to change.

I peed, brushed my teeth, washed my face, and by the time I got back, Santana was sitting on my bed studying the pictures on my collage and wearing my pajamas. I kind of hoped she saw the picture of me and Rachel at the pool. Rachel had gotten stuck in one of those tube _floaties_ for like an hour and wouldn't let anyone touch her. One of her dads had taken the picture and _secretly _gave me one.

I walked to the TV and turned it on and then turned the light off. It was already on the food channel, so I didn't have to hunt down my remote and change it. "Oh, wait." I turned back to her. "Can you sleep with the TV on? Cause if you're here I can sleep with it off." I said it instead of just thinking it.

She didn't respond badly though. I think she took it as a compliment. "That's fine. We can watch TV."

With that approval, I started to change. When I glanced at her, her eyes were glued to the TV and she wasn't even blinking. Silly girl. It's not like she didn't have boobies too.

I tossed my scarf on my dresser, put on a different tank top and didn't even bother putting on shorts. It got so hot in my room that underwear was enough to make me sweat.

She scooted over when I walked to the bed. Her eyes were still on the TV. "Doesn't watching this make you hungry?" She asked. I glanced from her to the TV. Someone was making pepperoni pizza.

_Yes. _That was the whole point. "Are you hungry?" I sat down. "We have sandwich stuff I think."

"Oh, no, no." Santana said. "I'm okay."

I sat and then slid the pillow towards her. If she was hungry then I would have eaten, but I didn't want to eat in front of her. It was rude. And I had already brushed my teeth.

"Oh that's right." I slapped my hand to my forehead. "Do you want to brush your teeth? Sorry I'm not used to having people stay over. I don't think we have extra toothbrushes…" I tried to think if maybe one was hidden somewhere, but that wasn't likely. "We could…like, dip mine in Clorox? Then you could use it."

When I looked to her, she had her head cocked with amusement. "Honestly," she started, "I would, by far, rather brush my teeth with your toothbrush and get your mouth cooties, than dip it in Clorox."

"Do you want to?" I looked back to my door.

"I brushed my teeth before the party. And I only drank water tonight. So it's okay." She patted the bed and urged me to lie down.

It took me a little to get comfortable, because I was used to falling asleep on my pillow. I was shifting and moving and moving and I still wasn't able to find a good way to fall asleep.

"We can share the pillow." Santana offered. "Or you can just lie on me again."

Why didn't I think of that? But sharing the pillow was like eating carrots when you could eat chocolate cake. "Okay." I scooted toward her and laid my ear against her chest. I mimicked exactly what I had done the other night. I wrapped on arm around her and then I focused my attention on the TV.

It was hard to watch, since I was a little tipsy, but especially since all I wanted to do was listen to her heart beat. This time she had her arm around me too. I think it was because she was more prepared.

I fell asleep before the next commercial.

**xxXXXXxxXXxx**

When I woke up she was asleep. Now I knew what she meant when she said she could tell the difference in my breathing and she knew I was awake. It was still dark outside, my TV was still on, and her arm was still wrapped around me. But it was limp, so she was definitely asleep.

I closed my eyes and started to drift back asleep. That's until I remembered something that I guess I hadn't thought of when I got home and when I had been a bit tipsy. My heart started to pound and my eyes snapped open. Thank God she didn't brush her teeth when I asked.

Getting off the bed without waking her up was the hardest part. I wasn't sure how hard of a sleeper she was, so I made sure I bumped into nothing and nothing creaked when I walked.

_Shit, shit, shit. _

I grabbed my doorknob with both hands, squeezed it tightly to keep it from rattling, and so very slowly opened it. The entire time I kept my eyes on her and on any movement she might make. But I was able to get out of my room and shut the door again without her waking up. The hard part was over.

I crept through the house. All of the lights were off. My mom must have just gone to bed. That made things a little easier.

I pushed the door open into the bathroom. It didn't click shut anymore, not since I was little. It was busted. I flicked the light on, closed the door behind me as best as I could, and then surveyed the bathroom.

Lord Tubbington's litter box was a little full. That was a good place to start. My mom used to make me keep it in my room, until the cat peed on the carpet. The garbage by the toilet was stuffed full. Tissues were falling out, but the bag was bigger than the can so I could just pull out the bag and have way more room for other stuff.

It felt like I was taking half breaths. I was somewhere in between panicked and stealthy. She would think we were so gross if she saw this. I had to clean it. _Quick. Quick. Quick_. It had been at least a week since I did. I should have done it earlier today when I got off work, instead of laying around in my room and texting Quinn about the party.

I didn't want to go back out and grab a towel, so I just wet some toilet paper and started to wipe around the sink.

A tap came from the door. Someone was knocking with their nails. Then she spoke, "Brittany, are you in there?" She whispered through the crack between the door and the doorframe. "Are you sick?"

"No." I started to frantically wipe the sink. _Shit, shit, shit. _"Hold on. Just a second. Don't come in."

"Britt, let me in if you're sick. I'll help." She pushed the door open all the way, and I froze. Maybe it wouldn't look as bad if I didn't move.

I could feel her eyes studying everything. The garbage bag I had pulled out of the can, the empty litterbox, the dirty clothes in the corner by the shower, and then me. I tossed the dirty toilet paper I had been cleaning with into the toilet.

"Britt?" She kind of laughed. It wasn't a real laugh though. More of a confused reaction. "What are you doing?"

I looked at her and she had a confused smile to match her confused laugh. Maybe I could still get away with it. "Just…throwing stuff away." I quietly slid the garbage can back to where I had pulled it out.

"It's like four in the morning. What could you possibly be throwing away?" She looked around the bathroom again. "Why are you cleaning?"

I just shrugged. I felt so caught. It was humiliating.

She started to talk again, because I never found anything to say. "Britt, I don't understand what you're doing? Why are you cleaning?"

"Cause it's gross in here." I mumbled.

I don't think she really understood, which made me feel even more humiliated. Her bathroom was perfect. There's a reason my mom didn't let people stay the night. This was it. I couldn't even count the number of times my mom has come out of the bathroom and said something about the disgusting litter box, or the dirty clothes, or the nasty shower curtain.

"It's fine. Come back and sleep." She shook her head, and I think tried to shake away my reasoning.

"Only if you promise not to pee until I clean it in the morning."

Her face and her shoulders and her mouth sunk with defeat. It kind of look like she deflated. So I tried to think of something else to say. I wasn't really sure why she was looking me like that.

"It's just nobody has time to clean it. And it won't take me long to clean." I glanced at the door. "And the door doesn't click shut, but everyone knows not to come in if it's kind of closed and the lights on." I swallowed down my panic. "My mom just doesn't like it this dirty. She's going to get mad if she knows you saw it this dirty."

"Brittany." It looked like she deflated even further. "Come on." She grabbed my hand and pulled it toward the sink. "Wash your hands." She turned the water back on for me.

I listened to her and I washed my hands. She shut the water off and I dried my hands on my shirt since there wasn't a towel.

"Now, come on." She repeated and grabbed my hand again. She led me back through the dark house and back into my room.

I was lost for words. I didn't know what to do, or say, or what she was thinking. "Sorry." I apologized. That was usually a good start. At least, it was a good start whenever my mom was upset and the only thing I could think about right now was how upset my mom was going to be in the morning.

Santana wasn't anything like my mom though. She was almost offended by the apology. She walked me to my bed and sat down with me. I folded my hands on my lap and waited for her to say whatever it was that she was going to say.

"You didn't do anything wrong," she started, "So no apologizing okay."

I nodded, _yes. _

"Second, the bathroom is fine." She patted my thigh. "So, let's sleep."

That was it? She wasn't even mad. She was like the opposite of mad. Not happy though. Just, un-mad. She laid down first and waited for me to crawl in before she pulled the blanket over us. "The last thing you should be worried about is a bathroom, and whether or not it's gross."

I nodded again after I had lain on her chest. She didn't have to suggest it this time, and I didn't have to ask, she just held up her arm and waited for me to lie on her. But I wasn't going to be able to fall asleep. I was still thinking about the bathroom. Now there wasn't even litter in the litter box. Lord Tubbington was going to poop all over everything.

Maybe she could hear me thinking and that's why she said something. Or maybe she just had amazing timing and knew the exact thing to say in order to distract me. "Want to know why I like you?"

"Yes." I answered right away.

"Remember when you, me and Quinn were in the shoe store and I joked about Quinn talking about you? Well, that wasn't a joke. She really did come back and talk about some girl with rain boots who worked with us, and who dropped milk. And she said you offered to buy her new shoes, and that you thought you had to pay for a broken milk carton."

"Yeah." I wanted her to continue. This was like word-gold. I started to trace my fingers up and down her arm so she would keep going. From her shoulder, down to her wrist, and then back up.

"And remember when you saw me upset in the bathroom and didn't say something lame about how everything was going to be okay?" She was whispering now, and now I could hear the TV a little bit. "And then I think I officially liked you when you told me that secret."

I was smiling now.

I don't think she actually answered the _why _part of anything, but it was a start. "So all I gotta do is drop milk, buy you shoes, meet you in bathrooms, and tell you secrets? And you'll like me?"

"Basically."

We both giggled and my mood did an entire turnaround.

A few minutes passed. I was still tracing my fingers up and down her arm. Faster now. I kind of felt restless. Like I wanted something but wasn't quite sure what it was. It was a bugging and stubborn feeling that kept making me think of her and of how I felt about her. "You're pretty." I told her. The words kind of popped in my head and I figured since I hadn't told her earlier when I decided she was pretty, that I should tell her now. And what the heck, why not just tell her everything. She deserved to hear it all, because she was one of the best people in the whole world. "And I liked kissing you. A lot. I like the way it made me feel. I never felt that before..." I hoped that wasn't too much information.

She didn't answer right away, but when she did, I was glad that I had overshared. "You can do it again, if you want."

My eyes momentarily ballooned. No fricken way. She didn't have to ask me twice. I scooted up her body, so I was still halfway on top of her, and didn't hesitate. She lifted her chin and I swallowed my lips against the pulse in her neck.

I think it was the way she squirmed and kind of pushed into me, but when before I thought my downstairs was going to pop, now it felt like it was going to explode from all the pressure. _Uhhh. _My lips trembled against her neck as I tried to quiet the noise that I had made.

My palm pressed against her stomach when I kissed again. I wanted something to hold on to. That feeling was driving me insane. It was like a nagging in between my legs. I pinched my thighs together to try and fix it. "This feels good." I told her and kissed again. My lips slid over her so easily.

"You can use your hands too." She hushed, grabbed my hand, and then moved it to rest just a little below her stomach.

_Oh my God. _That twisting started again and I felt so sticky and hot between my legs. My heart was pounding so hard. I stopped my kissing for a second, just so I could focus on touching. I slipped my hand under her shirt and laid my palm flat against her tummy. She felt so hot. My hand was shaking with anxiety. It was the good anxiety. The kind that was begging me to squeeze and touch her and make her feel like she would never want me to stop.

My breaths were hitting her neck. I wanted to move my hand lower, but I didn't know what I was doing. I wasn't even entirely sure that's what she was implying. "I don't know how." I spoke just below her ear.

"Just do what you do to yourself." She answered. Her breathing was shallow and her words were shaky.

_But I don't know how… _

"It doesn't work on me." I scooted back so I could look at her and judge her reaction. "I don't think I do it right."

I've tried before. In this very bed. But I just didn't really understand what the big deal about touching yourself was, because as much as I have tried, nothing really happened. I just fell asleep.

"Oh…? Really?" Those were always the exact words people said whenever I told them that I was a virgin. I'm not sure what they would say if I told them what I just told Santana, but even I think that's a little too much information to share with other people. "That's okay." She nodded. Her eyes narrowed and I could see her trying to decide something. "Lie back."

I laid on my back and folded my hands on my stomach.

"Okay," She said and got really really close to my ear. "I'm going to do what you were doing to me. Kiss your neck. And if you want, you can try and see if _you work_. And I'll help, but only if you want."

I nodded and squeezed my clasped hands so tightly. The thought of touching myself in front of her seemed a little…I can't even think of a word. It was just so wild. Everything was happening so fast, and not in a bad fast way. We went from meeting each other, and now she's in my bed and we're doing _this. _I went from nothing, to _her_. And there's not really any way to describe that feeling other than saying that she fit into my life. And she fit my body, because every inch of my skin was screaming for her to touch it.

The thing about seeing the broken part of people was...then it's not that hard to show the broken parts of yourself.

I had no objections at all. Maybe the touching myself part seemed a little intimidating, but she said I only had to if I wanted to.

If I had my way, and hadn't worried about consequences, I would have kept going last night. But now that she was encouraging me, it's like everything fit even more perfect.

Her tongue touched my neck first. It was slick and warm and now I knew why she squirmed when I kissed her, because I reacted the same way. She giggled into my cheek, and the vibrations only made me fidget even more.

Her lips touched my neck and they were so soft. It sent chills down to my feet. Lips as soft as hers have never touched me. Just guys with rough and hard mouths. But the feeling of her lips was breathtaking. It stole my breath and made it stutter from my own lips.

I couldn't take it anymore. I had to find out a way to relieve the tension. I was going to start getting loud if she kept kissing my neck like this.

I used one hand to hold the waistband of my underwear, and slipped in the other. "I'm so wet." I said it because I hadn't expected it. My finger glided through all of me. My underwear was drenched and my fingers were now drowned.

"Use two fingers." She muttered into my neck.

The wetness slipped between my fingers, until I was able to start sliding my two middle fingers through the lips part of my downstairs. I was awkward, flustered, clumsy, but it felt good. It felt like I was gradually easing the pressure into something that was making all the muscles in my legs cramp with pleasure.

Her lips sucked below my ear.

I grunted and pushed harder against myself. My fingers slipped up, down, up.

I froze when her hand cupped over my underwear, and shadowed the hand I was using to touch myself. She used her hand to gently guide me up. She stopped inching when my hand was now resting a little higher. "Touch here." She pulled her hand back and started kissing my neck again.

The part I touched was swollen, and sensitive, and it made my insides jump and her mouth bump into me when I jerked.

She pushed me back hard against the mattress with her kiss. She was rough and fast now, but still nothing like the hard-boy-kisses. Her kissing was animal and heated and so intense that it made me feel like she needed me more than she had ever needed anything.

It made me want to touch myself harder. So I did. I started to rub the sensitive part. My tummy rolled and rolled. I was breathing heavy because I was trying so hard to push that tension. The harder I pushed and the faster I went, the better I felt.

When I reached it, it felt like I had gotten so high and was falling so uneven and crazy out of control. The muscles in my tummy clenched and my back slightly arched. I held my breath thinking that would make it last longer. I'm not sure if it did.

I kept my hand still, because now everything was way too sensitive. She was still kissing me, but not as hard. I closed my eyes and let my breath catch up with me. I couldn't shake the feeling that instead of tiptoeing over the line between friendship and something more, we had just body-slammed through it. If she was okay with it, I was. I didn't know what this meant. I just knew that I liked her more than I have ever liked anyone. I liked how patient she was with me.

I'm not shy with sex stuff, even though I haven't had sex. Whenever a guy wanted to have sex I would just do something _else _for him. I didn't want to lead him on or leave him with nothing, because I would feel guilty. So I would make him satisfied so I felt okay about it.

This situation with Santana was so different. First of all, she wasn't a guy. I'm still not sure what I think of that. Nothing bad I guess. And second, she made this all about me. I was so comfortable with her. It was like she had let me into the other side of her wall.

She made me want to show and tell her everything about me, and at the same time made everything okay.

"Want me to do it to you now?" I asked as her kisses at my neck continued to nip the tiny strings in my stomach.

"No." She pulled up and looked at my neck. Her eyes momentarily got big, but she quickly hid her reaction. "I'm good. Plus, I think we might wake someone up if we keep going."

She reached over me and for the blanket that had fallen to the floor and I pulled my hand out and wiped it against my underwear. When she leaned back over me she covered us in the blanket.

"See you work just fine." She whispered and nuzzled her body into mine.

I closed my eyes and for the second night in a row, fell asleep with her.


	8. Three or Four Wishes

**a/n: here's 8. i hope you enjoy. this chapter has a lot of...clues...and it has some answers. So I look forward to seeing your reviews. Let me know what you think. Enjoy :)**

**Chapter 8 : Three or Four Wishes**

"Is that so?" Santana whispered.

It woke me up. Right away. My eyes snapped open. She was propping her head up with her elbow and her smile looked so devilish. Not devilish like she had drawn a mustache on my face while I was sleeping, but devilish like she had snuck off while I was sleeping so when I woke up the living room was going to be decorated like a winter wonderland. "Have you seen _Elf_?"

"Who's Elf?" She lifted her free hand and rested it on my stomach and then used her fingers to walk across the fabric of my tank top.

"A movie." I yawned. "It's good. He decorates an entire store like Christmas."

She echoed my yawn, and spoke through it. "Stop yawning. We have to get up."

Dumb. Why? I wanted to stay in this bed. I wouldn't even get up if I had to pee, unless my bladder was about to explode. I rubbed my palms against my eyes. "I want to sleep in. And then go get breakfast in pajamas." I looked at her. She had already changed into the clothes she had been wearing last night. "But you'd have to change back to the pajamas."

How was it that she was able to get off of my bad, untangle herself from me, and change without me even waking up? I know I had been holding onto her, because that's how I fell asleep. I like to hold. And that's why I now have to bribe Lord Tubbington to come into my room or snatch him when he's not looking.

"We work. And my mom's on her way to pick me up." Santana was still walking her fingers over my tummy. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

"I could have driven you home. I still can." I pulled my hands away from my face to look at her.

"She's in town shopping. And that way I can change and shower and get my car." Santana's eyes glanced down to her finger, panned up my body, and when she looked at my face again she was beaming. I wished I knew exactly why she was so happy right now, because then I could have kept that information in my back pocket and secretly whipped it out whenever she needed it.

Maybe she was happy because of what happened last night. But shouldn't I have been the only happy one? I was the one who… got off. She hadn't really gotten anything from it. Right? "Wait, why's your mom shopping so early?"

"She goes shopping so she can start cooking. Dinner at our house is like a sporting event. My mom and my aunt always get up super early, work out, and then get groceries. Half the time they're back at the house making breakfast before I'm even awake. That's why Marcus was in my room the other day when you woke up."

"The little shy boy?" I asked. He was so cute.

"Oh God. He is not shy. Yesterday when I was home he would not shut up about you and kept asking where I put you." She started to fiddle with my tank top. "I told him that you were under my bed and the only way to get you out was to pull out all of my dusty jewelry boxes."

"What happened when he found out I wasn't under the bed?"

"Let's just say, you're just going to have to come back over or it will be even harder to trick him into cleaning for me."

Someone knocked on my door. Everything happened so quick that I wasn't able to process anything. Santana's hand darted for the blankets and yanked them up to my chin. "Hide your neck." She whispered and then sat up.

The door opened and my dad poked his head in. "Oh." He smiled when he saw Santana. "Hey girls. Just seeing if Brittany came home last night."

"Yup." I responded and gripped the top of the blankets to pull them tighter against my jaw. If she told me to hide my neck, it probably had to do with the fact that she was sucking on it super hard only a few hours ago. My heart started to flutter a little. I still couldn't believe what had happened.

"All right," My dad started to leave. "Have a good day girls. I need to get to work."

"Bye." Both Santana and I said in unison.

Her body relaxed as soon as he shut the door. I was still trying to process everything. Had that really happened? I had been positive that I was just one of those girls I read about in Cosmo who couldn't get the big _O. _Who knew all it would take was her in my bed and her super soft lips on me.

"I'm so sorry Brittany." Santana leaned over me and pulled the blanket down so she could examine my neck. "Holy shit." She leaned further over to see the other side of my neck. "We'll figure something out, but it looks like there was an orgy on your neck."

"Strawberry love bites." I tried to lighten the situation. She wasn't really _freaking out _but I figured I would freak out a little when I saw it, and if she was okay with it by the time I saw it, then I would be totally okay.

"Right." The corner of her lip tilted upward. "Well, you can try saying _strawberry love bites _to the girls at work, but I don't think Rachel will find it as cute, or Will."

"I'll just tell him that I was trying to vacuum the dust off my scarf and the hose just happened to get stuck to my neck." I said.

"A lot." She added.

"Stuck to my neck…a lot." I shifted my eyes and smiled.

Her mom showed up five minutes later. We had just kept talking about ways to hide my neck, and I just ended up deciding to wear my scarf again. That, plus makeup, would have to be enough.

When she left I raced like a peeing horse to get ready for work so I could stop by the store and grab something to eat. I had eaten the last pop tart after work yesterday and if I didn't eat something my stomach was going to fall out.

The scarf looked totally cute with my outfit, so nobody would even question. Hopefully I wouldn't forget about the hickey minefield on my neck and take the scarf off during work.

The parking lot was empty, except for the girls' cars. Quinn's car was the brightest. I felt my pulse thud just once by just looking at it. I hoped she wasn't still upset. Santana had calmed me down and helped, but that didn't mean that I still wasn't worried about Quinn's feelings. I could talk to Quinn when I got inside. I could explain and apologize and tell her a joke.

Her driver door opened.

Or I could talk to her now…

I stopped walking and stood in the middle of the parking lot. It took her a few steps to notice me. She was stuffing her keys and her phone into her purse. But when she saw me she smiled. That smile was all I needed and that dead weight lifted off. She wasn't mad. People didn't smile like that when they were mad.

"A scarf again?" She questioned, without her smile faltering the tiniest bit.

I turned and started walking with her when she reached me. "Still can't find my necklaces."

"That's no good." She bumped my shoulder. "Are you sure you're not just hiding a hickey?" I could tell she was teasing, but that didn't stop my initial reaction. My tummy dropped, my throat swelled with frogs, and I forgot how to blink my eyes.

"Oh my God you are?" She laughed and stopped.

So I stopped too. And her hand reached for the grey scarf around my neck. She didn't pull it, or move it a lot, but I knew she saw at least part of the hickeys when her jaw dropped. "Who?" Her eyes were wide and playful and entirely interested.

I was torn. She was so interested and I wasn't used to that. I couldn't even remember the last time someone questioned me about a guy I had done stuff with. _Who? _Couldn't she have asked any other question? I would have said Santana, no problem, but I wasn't sure Santana was okay with that. On second thought, maybe I wouldn't say _Santana _so easily. I knew that a girl kissing another girls' neck wasn't part of a typical friendship. Sure, guys always egged it on, joked about it, suggested it, and got all hot and bothered by it, but this wasn't a party, Quinn wasn't a guy, and neither were the rest of the girls I worked with.

Besides, I wanted to take this thing with Santana seriously and I couldn't do that unless I figured out what it all meant first. I was usually an open book. I was always saying things, asking opinions and judging reactions so I could decide what to do, but I wanted Santana and all of _this _to myself. For now.

"It wasn't Puck was it?" She scoffed, but the scoff wasn't directed toward me. "He's such an ass. He didn't do anything to you right? I'll have that boy castrated if he did."

I shook my head no. "No. I wouldn't."

Her eyes narrowed to evaluate my reaction. She seemed to believe me, because we started walking again. "Was it one of the guys at the party?" She turned her head to look at me.

"Nope." I popped my lips with the word. The initial shock was gone and the memory of Santana _helping _me was all I could think about. I was somewhere in between giddy and fidgety.

"How about a deal. I won't tell the other girls as long as you tell me who it was?" She suggested and we stopped by the front door.

"Do I have to tell you right now?" I asked. That didn't seem like a fair deal, unless she said _no._

"I suppose not." She cocked her head.

"Deal then." I held out my hand for her to shake.

"I'll be impatiently waiting then." She held the door open for me and we both walked in.

I was about to ask her what spot she was working today when yelling snapped my attention away from Quinn. It was Santana and Rachel. We rushed through the floor and didn't see the argument until we rounded the corner. Santana was pointing a finger at Rachel.

"You better not think about saying anything else." Santana stepped closer to Rachel. The other girls were hovering around the fight. Tina and Mercedes were open mouthed and looked like they had just seen a Ferris wheel tip over. "Do you know why your last name is Berry? No? Let me tell you why. It's because you're so short that the only type of food you can reach are the tiny berries on bushes."

I laughed. It was pretty similar to that squawk laugh, but the only person who heard me was Quinn. Were they serious when they said Santana was mean, because that was so ridiculous that it didn't even qualify as mean.

Santana continued. "No? Hm. Well want me to tell you why you're single still? And I promise you it has nothing to do with the simple fact that you look like an Israeli tranny that lost his beard and now wears it on his head."

Now I couldn't decide if what she was saying was funny anymore. It seemed a little more personal. It would have been way funnier if Rachel hadn't looked slightly hurt.

"How about I tell you why you have no mother…"

Everyone went silent.

"Santana." Mercedes stepped in between the two. "Come on."

It sort of felt like the room had been punctured. Like Santana had poked a giant hot air balloon filled with helium that made your voice high pitched and funny, and now all the helium was gone and it wasn't funny when she talked anymore.

"Don't touch me." She slapped at Mercedes hand but missed. And then Santana spun on her heels and stormed around the bar and into the back room.

"What the hell was that?" Quinn spoke into the silence. "What'd you say Berry?" Quinn started walking up to the bar and I slowly followed.

Yeah, _what the hell? _And was nobody going to follow Santana to make sure she was okay?

"It was unprovoked. Entirely unprovoked. I was simply informing her about the themes for the rest of the month and she went off on me." Rachel sat on the barstool. It didn't look like she was too hurt or upset. Rachel was like that though. It took a lot to seriously offend her. But that was only because she ate up the attention she got afterward.

"While that may be true," Quinn hefted her purse up to rest on the bar, "you always say something."

Rachel folded her arms across her chest and denied it.

Quinn didn't bother digging. The thought of questioning Rachel any further clearly annoyed her. It looked like she was listening to Rachel scrape nails on a chalkboard and she was about to rip Rachel's nails off.

"Next time," Mercedes stepped toward Rachel. "Just be a little more careful with what you demand." Mercedes whispered this last part.

"Demand? How was I demanding anything? I politely asked if she could tone down the provocative attire." Rachel said. "And then I started talking with you and Tina. Santana is the one who interrupted _my_ conversation."

"And that had nothing to do with you saying something along the lines of not wanting others to think that provocative attire is the only way they can raise their nightly sales." Mercedes huffed.

"Whatever." It was Quinn who spoke. I jumped a little because her voice was so sharp and it hadn't come from the person I was expecting it to. "Just drop it. Who cares how annoying Rachel is?" Quinn leaned back against the bar. "Now what themes were you discussing?"

The girls continued to talk. I didn't listen. I was a little more concerned with wanting to head to the back room. So I set my own stuff on the bar next to Quinn's and just did it. I walked around the bar and pushed open the swinging door.

I didn't find her right away. I checked the bathroom, the stock rooms, and then I went to look out in the loading room and outside. She still wasn't there. So I walked around the building. Maybe she went on a walk. I go on walks all the time. Sometimes it was so I could relax and sometimes it was so I could see how far Lord Tubbington would stalk and follow me before he got scared and ran back home.

As soon as I rounded the corner I saw her sitting on the hood of her car and lying back against the windshield. When I got closer I could see that she was filing her nails.

"Hey." I said quietly so I didn't scare her.

She lifted her eyes. They looked so heavy and angry. It hurt to look at her. Goodness, why was she so mad? It looked like she had lost all of her tears and now she just had nothing. Maybe that's why she didn't cry when we were on her bed. Maybe she had lost all her tears that one day in the bathroom.

"Oh, hey." She responded and tried to lift the tone in her voice, but it was so dead.

"Does it look suspicious that I'm wearing a scarf and I have my hair down, and its summer?" I asked. I wanted to start out easy.

"A little." She looked, gave a half smile, and then went back to filing her nails.

I reached into my front pocket and pulled out a crumply wad of money. For some reason I remembered her little cousin and the morning I had woken up at her house. And how she had put up such a tiny wall after her shower, but then she let me step around it. "Here." I walked up to her and set a wadded dollar on her lap.

She looked entirely confused.

"By law, you have to do me a favor now." I stepped back.

"Says who?" She raised an eyebrow and tried to hand me the dollar back.

I shook my head. "No take backs. And you said it. Well, you implied it. And now you have another dollar for Marcus when you need to bribe him to feed me in the morning."

"Fine." She smiled with her eyes, but not her mouth yet. I was getting closer. "What's the favor?"

"You…" I drew out the word. "Have to give me my dollar back."

She frowned.

"Just kidding." I smiled.

And now she really smiled. And she even laughed.

"Can I sit by you?" I asked.

She scooted over and I walked up to the car. I was really careful not to scratch anything. But I figured since she was sitting up there then it should be okay for me. I lay back against the windshield, closed my eyes and rested my hands on my stomach.

"Could you imagine trying to sit on my truck like this? It's way too tall. The cool part would be being able to sit so high. The uncool part would be getting up. We'd look like Oompa Loompas trying to sneak on top of the tallest chocolate tub. And my windshield is kind of cracked so we might break it if we leaned against it and puncture our spinal cords." I was just rambling.

It felt good to talk to her, even if I wasn't saying anything important. I wanted her to feel good too. Nobody says something like what she had said, without being egged on. But it wasn't Rachel who egged her on, not entirely. It was something else that was getting to her. It was so obvious and I couldn't believe that the other girls didn't notice. In a weird way I was a little happy that nobody noticed and nobody else followed her out here. I liked having her to myself. But I would trade that in a second if I could just show one person how nice she was.

"I'm guessing that you saw me bitch out Rachel," she said. "Or one of the girls told you."

"I saw."

For a second I didn't think she was going to continue or explain herself. If she hadn't continued that would have been okay. She didn't have to explain herself for anything, just if she wanted to. She owed me absolutely nothing, other than a favor for that dollar, and all I wanted to be for her right now was someone she could talk to.

"I just had a bad morning." She sighed. "Not at your house." She explained quickly. "Your house was…fun. I just," She shrugged. "Had a bad morning."

I reached over and linked her pinkie with mine and I pulled her hand in my lap. I closed my eyes and used my other hand to tickle hers. "If genies were real and I could borrow Aladdin's lamp and he let me wish for one thing in the entire world…it would be that pinkie holding would make you feel magically better. But magic's not real and genies aren't blue." People weren't black and white either. Sure, maybe it was easy to cheer me up and it was easy to distract me with simple things, but other people weren't like me.

Everything about Santana was so elaborate. The interesting elaborate. It would take me years and years to figure her out. She had so many twists and turns. The only reason I was here, with her, was because she opened up and let me see. Maybe I would also wish for an answer to the reason why she had let me _see_ her and not someone she had known longer.

"That's sweet. But I suggest you wish for cash money and lots of it." She spoke and then we sat in silence for a little longer. "Can I ask you a question?" She tightened her pinkie around mine.

"Yes you can." I nodded once and opened my eyes. I had to squint since the sun was starting to warm up.

"And please don't take it the wrong way. Or get offended, because I don't mean for it to sound nosy." She said.

I looked over at her, looked around the parking lot to see that it was still empty, and then closed my eyes again and rested my head back. "I won't get offended by anything you ask."

She took a soft gulp. I could hear it. "Does your mom drink?"

"What do you mean?" I asked. She wasn't being very specific and that could mean anything. "Like does she go out and drink…?" Or was she asking something else?

"I mean, does she drink at home? Alcohol?" She was talking so soft and so careful with me that I knew we weren't on the same page.

"Well sure. She drinks wine." I shrugged. She had always drunk wine at night. When Hailey and me were little she would ask us to get her ice cubes at night and we'd race to the kitchen and fill each other's palms full of cubes and carry them out to her. Now she didn't ask us, unless we were already in the kitchen. I think she felt bad making us go out of our way. "Why?"

"She just smelled like wine last night. I was only curious. I didn't know if she went out or what…" Santana was searching for a way to defend herself and I wasn't even attacking her.

"It's okay." I cut her off. "You can ask whatever you want. I told you I won't get mad. And I'm not mad."

"So, can I ask another question?" Santana shifted a little. "One more."

"Okay." Why was she suddenly so curious about me and my mom? And why did it matter right now when she had had a bad morning?

"What does she drink? Just wine?" Santana paused. "A lot?"

That question didn't seem like she even needed permission to ask it. I had already told her my mom drank wine. "Uh, well she has my dad get her wine at the store after he gets off work. And sometimes she has me bring home champagne from here. I told Will it was for my mom so he lets me get it. Even though he also lets me take shots and stuff too. So that doesn't make sense." I looked over. "Why, did you want to bring over a house warming gift next time?"

"Brittany!" I heard Mercedes voice boom throughout the parking lot. "Come help fold napkins before I go insane! You too Santana."

Santana slipped her pinkie out of mine and sat up. "Come on. Let's get inside before Will says something about us being gone."

I followed her inside and when we got there Mercedes was still waiting by the door. She looked at me with the most bizarre expression. She didn't say anything though and the three of us scooted into the horseshoe booth with her, where Rachel already had a huge pile of perfectly folded red napkins. She scoffed when she saw Santana, but didn't say anything.

"Finally Brittany." She looked up at me. "These napkins aren't going to fold themselves."

"Yeah. You're folding them." I responded.

"Sooo," Mercedes interrupted. I was glad too, because it looked like both Rachel and Santana were about to start at each other's throats again. "Didn't see you leave the party last night Brittany. Of course, Tina was driving me so I was a few drinks gone." She giggled. "You didn't head off with that Finn boy did you?"

Rachel's attention snapped to me like a whip. Santana jumped from the sudden movement and I kind of sunk into myself trying to get away from the glare.

"No. I didn't leave with him."

Rachel pulled her eyes away from me. Did she know him?

"Do you know him?" I asked her.

"Who?" Rachel looked back up. "Oh Finn? We met once or twice. He's a very nice boy."

Both Mercedes and Santana rolled their eyes.

Mercedes looked back to me. "You didn't drive last night, right? Did Sam come and get you?"

"Sam didn't come get me. I haven't talked to him since the weekend." I shrugged.

"Who's Sam?" Santana's voice broke through our discussion. I saw everyone's eyes shift to her. They looked like they'd just seen a miracle or like they had just seen a ghost. Or both at the same time.

The girls would never notice, because they didn't know how close Santana and I were, but the way Santana was now intentionally acting aloof and uninterested in the answer didn't mean that she was _trying to be civil _and trying to start conversation_. _This question had nothing to do with her trying to get them to forgive and forget her little outburst. I knew that was why Rachel and Mercedes had looked at her like that.

This was all getting way too much. Amazing _too much_. Santana being nice to me when I had a hangover. Being invited to her house. Her letting me stay the night. Then last night. _Especially last night_. And now she was interested in my friends. She was interested enough not to care how Mercedes and Rachel reacted when she asked who Sam was. If I was at home I would jump around and scream like a lunatic. She was awesome. All of her was all I ever wanted, and now that she was taking an interest in some random guy she didn't even know just because I knew him. It seemed unreal.

Mercedes was the first to talk. "He's super fine. Britt's friend. You guys have known each other for a long time right?" I could always count on Mercedes to say the exact thing I didn't want her to. And I could count on Rachel too…I needed to talk to them about that.

"Yup." I grabbed a napkin, but made sure I explained. Santana was pinching her napkin so hard that it looked like it was going to break. "Since we were tiny. He used to be my neighbor and then he moved. Sometimes he lets me stay at his house after parties. And he always makes me go to his sister's soccer games with him."

"Just admit that you're dating, Brittany. I don't know why you hide it." Rachel spoke.

"We're not dating." I looked up. I could say it a million times and I didn't think she would believe me. She had shown me this ordered list she had made for when dating a guy. Sleeping at his house was number eleven. That's probably why she kept thinking we were dating. "And I sleep on the floor."

"He doesn't even offer his bed?" Rachel sneered. "Typical _gentleman." _

"His bed smells like man juices." I explained.

"Gross." Rachel's face twisted into a look of horror.

Mercedes added, "Well you know his floor probably has his feet juices."

"I wrap myself in a cocoon of blankies. It's safe." I then thought about adding that there was no way he was interested in me, because he kept asking about Mercedes, but I stopped myself. Sam had sworn me to secrecy.

"Well-" Rachel started, before Santana cut her off.

"Please stop. Do you date all the guys you talk to?" Santana lifted an eyebrow. "No? Didn't think so. Wait, I forgot. You don't talk to guys. Unless it's Jay Leno and he's using your _nose _for a place to hide his chin." She air-quoted the word _nose. _

I felt my jaw drop again, even though I was trying not to giggle.

She continued. How could she continue? Where did she come up with this stuff? Was it pre-prepared or did she just think of it on the spot. "Or it's the Starbucks manager giving you a call in the morning asking you to smell both his coffee and the coffee in Brazil at the same time, so he knows if they're similar."

Mercedes laughed this time. She covered her laugh quickly. And then Quinn walked up. She eyed everyone at the table starting with a scowling Santana and ending at a dumbfounded Rachel.

"Looks like I'm missing all the fun." She looked at me. "Want to help me set up the bar Brittany?"

The bar seemed like a little safer than waiting for the explosion that was about to happen at this table. And maybe if I left they'd forget about the conversation. I wanted to stay with Santana though, especially now that she looked like she was winding up again. If only I knew what was wrong. But being here, in front of everyone, at work…I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I would have to wait again for her. Be patient. It worked in the bathroom when she was crying, so it would work again.

Santana was easy for me. And I didn't mean she was easy because I knew what was wrong and I knew how to fix it. Being around her was easy. It was the easiest thing I had ever done. I felt like I fit into her puzzle and now all I had to do was find all the other puzzle pieces. She was like a polar bear puzzle. Super cute to look at, kind of scary if it chased you, but amazing to curl up with.

"Hola ladies!" Holly stepped up next to Quinn. She wrapped her arm around Quinn and pulled her into a hug. "I missed you Missy. I know I've said it before, but I'm glad you're back." She looked over to Santana. "You too Hot Lips. This place just isn't the same without your saucy drinks."

"Agreed." Santana took the compliment like it was nothing. Her mood seemed to soften a bit, so that was good.

"So what's going on? Napkin folding? Looks way cool." Holly unwrapped Quinn and examined the napkins.

"Brittany and I were just about to head to the bar and clean the taps." _We were? _I guess I was going to go. It's not like I would have told her no. Especially not after ignoring her at the party last night.

"Bar taps. That sounds way more fun than this. Let's do it ladies," Holly gestured for me to follow. "And as I've tried to explain and prove to just about every guy I have ever met, blondes know how to have way more fun."

Before I got up and followed them, I made sure I said bye to everyone. And I accidentally said bye to Santana twice. I didn't think anyone noticed besides her, because I said bye the second time a little quieter. Quinn and Holly were already walking toward the bar and Rachel and Mercedes were too focused on their napkins. Santana slipped her eyes over to me and gave me one of the warmest smiles ever. It reminded me of how warm her eyes were and how warm she made me feel. The smile wasn't big. And I doubt, even if anyone else was looking, they would have been able to see it. But I saw it.

"Have a seat ladies." Holly spoke to us when I reached the bar.

"Don't you want us to clean the taps? I can't reach them from this side. My arms aren't that long." I told her, but I still took a seat on the closest bar stool.

Quinn sat by me.

"I've got it. I've cleaned these taps more times than you could begin to imagine." She explained as she rounded the bar. "Plus, I want to hear about you guys. And tap cleaning is like laundry folding for me. It helps me relax and get in the zone."

"Zone for what?" I smiled. Holly was so fun. The best boss ever. She let us sit and watch her clean.

"For everything." She reached for the first bar tap and started to take it apart. "Quinn first."

I glanced at Quinn. She looked just as lost as I was.

Holly encouraged her when she didn't answer. "Where were you Goldilocks? How was it? I want all of the dirt."

"Paris." Quinn said one word. That was it.

"And?" Holly looked to Quinn.

"It didn't work out." Quinn started to run her fingernails over the wood on the bar. "So I came back."

Holly narrowed her eyes, shifted them to me, and then back to Quinn. It looked like a light bulb went off in her head. "Ah." Holly nodded. "Well if you want to talk about it some other time, my office is always open."

Quinn turned to look at me. And then it looked like her light bulb went off. Where the heck was my light bulb?

"Oh, no." Quinn looked back at Holly. "It's not that. Brittany's fine."

"Don't feel obligated honey." Holly peeked over the tap. "I was just teasing you."

Quinn nodded and her face was bright red. She looked nothing like the Quinn I first met. It threw me. Interested me yes, but I didn't know what to make of it. Or her. She didn't look like she was going to continue with her story, even though she said it was fine that I was listening. Something about her was missing. I wanted to figure out what it was. Out of all the people I had ever met, there have only been two people I couldn't quite figure out. And she was one of them. She was straight forward with the way she spoke, with what she said and what she implied, but it was every other action of hers that didn't quite add up.

"I met Quinn at the grocery store because I dropped milk on her." I spoke. I didn't want Quinn to feel awkward or uncomfortable and what better way to do that then tell a story of how much of a klutz I was.

"That's what I heard." Holly turned her attention to me. "I told the girls a little about you."

My eyes widened. She did? Was that good or bad?

Holly continued. "I couldn't believe the coincidence. At first I was convinced it wasn't you, because I know you don't smoke. But the rain boots and everything else kind of gave you away."

"You didn't tell that tampon story did you?" It was the first thing I could think to ask. I sure as heck hoped she hadn't told _that_ story.

Quinn laughed a little and Holly responded, "Of course not honey." She set down her towel. "I'm going to be right back."

She left Quinn and me alone. It made me a little unsure. For the first time in a long time, I really wasn't sure what to say.

But Quinn said something. "So you're not going to tell my about those hickeys are you?"

"Nope." I tried to frown a little and show her how sorry I was, but the memory only made me feel butterflies and it was hard to frown when butterflies were punching my insides.

"I'll let you off the hook for now. But next time we go to a party I'm not letting you out of my sight." She joked, but at the same time looked totally serious.

The next words came out before I could stop them. It would have been a little easier if I hadn't said them. "I wish you could have stayed." Yes, that was my third genie wish. I would wish for pinkie holding magic, I would then wish to know what specifically made Santana open up to me, and I would wish that Quinn didn't leave last night.

And if I had had a fourth wish, it would have been that I hadn't said my third wish out loud. Because she looked put on the spot. So I covered it up as best as I could. "But I know you had to go so next time it will be fun."

She didn't hesitate. "We'll have fun next time." Quinn hopped off of her stool and rounded the bar. She started to continue cleaning the taps. "You could even come to my house before-hand and we can get ready together. That way I won't look like Polly Pocket showing up to the party with a Victoria Secret model."

"Sounds like fun." I said. Silly Quinn. I decided to avoid her model comment all together. It was nice of her to say it, but she was exaggerating because clearly she was not a tiny plastic toy.

"Here." She reached for her purse and pulled out some concealer. "Put this on your neck next time you take a trip to the bathroom."

_That's what I had forgotten this morning._

I blushed a little, but mostly because my face was getting hot. She probably thought I was a little embarrassed because she knew about the hickeys. I knew I was just heating up at the memory of having Santana nearly on top of me.

I spent most of my shift at the bar with Quinn. We had fun. She liked to talk and I liked to listen. And she didn't talk about hard stuff and she didn't make me feel stupid even when I would space off trying to catch a glimpse of Santana.

Santana was working up front at the podium. I snuck away a few times and brought her a shot and a chaser. Lime soda. And then I had to run back to the bar before Will caught me.

This was the best job ever. If it were up to me, I would work all day, every day. But then I would need time off if Santana invited me to her house again.


	9. Favorite

**a/n: this an early update. i'm a little a head so i figured i would let you guys read :) this chapter is...i don't even have a way to describe it. you'll have to let me know :) i want to hear what you have to say, and i (honestly) read through your reviews 3-4 times. enjoy. :)**

**Chapter 9 : Favorite**

I grabbed my pillow and hugged it into my face. I hated when this happened, because the more I tried to stop searching for an answer the more questions I got. I just needed to avoid days off. That way I didn't end up sprawled out on my bed, analyzing everything in my life that had happened.

I was usually pretty carefree. If something had already happened, then it had happened, and I couldn't change it. But sometimes, without warning, I would start thinking too much and I would start confusing myself. It has only happened a handful of times. The weird thing was I didn't do things based on a plan or because I wanted a certain outcome. I was pretty spontaneous and one-track minded. So me trying to figure stuff out in my life was like me trying to jump on a pogo stick. It wasn't going to happen, not even after twenty minutes.

Santana and me had been getting along super good. I hadn't been back to her house yet, but that was okay. We had had opposite schedules. And I think when you're older that there kind of needs to be a reason for having a sleepover. That would explain why I hadn't stayed the night at Rachel's in over five years. So I wasn't really sure how Santana would take it if I asked to come over.

And why did I even care? This was what I got for starfish-laying on my bed and for not picking up an extra shift. I ended up over-thinking and trying to find answers to things that weren't even questions.

Santana wouldn't care if I asked to come over or asked her to come over here. Maybe she was thinking the same exact thing about me and she was worried about asking me to her house. Maybe she was unsure about what happened at my house a few nights ago. Or maybe she thought I was unsure about it. Maybe since we kind of destroyed that line between friendship and something-more, she didn't have a line to walk on and follow. Because now that I was thinking about it, I had never heard of friends necking…and I had definitely never heard of one friend touching themselves in front of the other. But I was just as lost as her, if she was even lost. If my mom wasn't on the computer in the living room I would Google it.

I didn't know what to do about Santana, but at least I didn't have to wear a scarf anymore to hide my neck. I had never done _that_ with someone so I wasn't sure if there were certain guidelines to follow. But it had felt good, and I wanted to do it again and again and again with her. Rachel would come in handy if her guidelines regarding relationships weren't so…strict, and if I could ask her without having to mention Santana.

Why was I being so ridiculous? I could just ask Santana. I could ask her…actually, but I didn't even have a question. And here I was finding answers to invisible questions. I was going to drive myself nuts.

I tossed the pillow off of my face before I suffocated and covered my face with both hands. They still smelled like beer from work.

"Think, think, think." I mumbled. Wait, no. Stop thinking.

I didn't even remember what I was thinking about or what the point was. Something about Santana. This was why I rarely analyzed. At the end of everything, I learned nothing. If anything, I lost brain cells.

What was my question? I needed a question. I could ask Santana what she thought about the other night. That was too vague though. I didn't want her to have to search for an answer or ask me to be more specific, because I couldn't think of a question that was more specific.

What if I asked her if she normally did that with girls? No. That wouldn't answer anything. It would just raise more questions. And I didn't think she did. I was pretty confident in the girls' gossiping abilities at work and I think I would have heard about Santana liking girls, because I sure as heck had heard them talk about her getting with boys. Even Quinn had told me a little about Santana and Puck. Nothing too specific. Just that they hooked up a lot and that Santana hooked up with all the guys she could get her hands on. Quinn had said something about Santana doing it because she wanted to have control. I think that was Quinn's way of saying something not so nice about someone, but saying it in a way that was nice.

I didn't think Santana hooked up with guys because she looked for control. Control over what? Maybe I could ask Santana why she hooked up with lots of guys. Except that was an awful idea and I might as well ask Rachel if she knew who her real dad was if I wanted to start asking questions slightly offensive but having answers that I was dying to know.

At first when Quinn said something about Santana getting around I was a little hesitant to believe it. And then I remembered that guy's comment at the party when he asked her what the plural of slut was, and I remembered that the other girls at work kind of casually mentioned that Santana got around.

It wasn't that big of a deal. I don't have enough fingers or toes to count the number of guys I have done _favors _for. Giving someone such a negative label for doing something for someone else was ridiculous. Santana shouldn't have to worry about what people called her, when she already felt like she couldn't find the right person to sleep with. It kind of made me a little mad. All the unimportant stuff was covering up the important stuff. Next time I saw her I would tell her that she shouldn't listen to people and also tell her that I wasn't accusing her of listening to people because I didn't want to her accuse her of anything, I just wanted to let her know.

I wasn't going to figure anything out by myself. I kept thinking about other stuff and not about the question I would want to ask Santana. Maybe…maybe I could ask my mom.

I sat up.

My mom liked it when I asked her advice. Sometimes she got off topic, but if I worded it right then she would at least somewhat answer it.

I stood up. I was going to do it. Even though the sex talk with my mom lasted two minutes and left me horrified and confused, I could still ask questions I think. And for that matter, I wasn't asking about sex, just what it meant between me and Santana.

Of course I won't say Santana. Or I might, just so I can kind of hint at what happened so when she finds out about us in the future my mom wouldn't be as shocked because I had left clues for her.

I walked through my room and opened the door.

Whenever my mom saw inappropriate stuff on the TV she always made a comment about that not being necessary and changed the channel. Her and Hailey talked a lot and Hailey hasn't even kissed a boy yet, so I knew my mom just wanted us to be careful with us and not let us get a bad reputation. That was why I decided I was going to ask _what-if _questions. My mom didn't know about my kissing-and-other-naughty-things list and I didn't want her to know because she would have been disappointed and think she had forgotten to teach me something.

"Hey Mom?" I stopped behind her. She was sitting at the computer with the headphones in.

She hadn't heard me. Probably because the TV was on and she was wearing headphones.

"Mom?" I spoke up a little.

"Just a second honey." She responded and took a sip out of her cup.

So I plopped down on the couch and started to watch the TV. It was on a movie. I had no clue what movie. It looked boring because it was in black and white. The remotes were on the computer desk by my mom so I couldn't change it.

I was starting to get nervous. The longer I sat and waited the more I started to second-guess myself. I was going crazy? I couldn't ask my mom this. When I had come home after a dinner with Rachel, her friend Kurt, and Kurt's man friend Blaine, I had told my mom about Kurt. At first my mom was excited and thought that I had gone on a double date. She started to ask me how old Kurt was and where he worked and if he was cute. Then I had to explain that he was with his boyfriend. Her exact words were, _Oh no, he isn't is he? Why did he have to do that? _I didn't answer her, because I knew nothing about why Kurt did anything.

I didn't want my mom acting disappointed. But I couldn't go back to my room and try to figure it out for myself. Moms had a way with answering questions with the right answers.

I stood and walked up to stand beside her. I put my arms behind my back and wrapped my fingers around one of my wrists. Maybe if I stood closer she would remember. I always forgot things and it had been like ten minutes so she had probably forgotten.

"Mom can I ask you a question?" I asked and watched and waited.

She side-eyed me, "Yeah go ahead." Her eyes went back to the computer.

I started to panic again. My throat tightened and my tummy knotted. What was I going to even ask her? "Do you remember Santana?" I started. That was a good place to start, right?

"Santana who?" She was listening.

That was a good question. What was Santana's last name? "I don't know her last name." Did that really matter, because I didn't think I had ever known another Santana? Maybe my mom had.

"Who is she?" My mom looked over to me.

"Uh," I felt my face scrunch in confusion. "She stayed the night a few nights ago. We came home late and you shook hands with her." I wasn't that drunk. I knew they had met.

My mom pouted her bottom lip, widened her eyes, and shook her head quickly back and forth twice. "Must have been half asleep." She pulled the headphones from her ears and turned to face me completely. I smiled. "What about her?"

"Well," I hummed. "I work with her. And she's really nice."

My mom nodded, shifted her eyes, and waited for me to continue.

I decided I wasn't going to ask. It was too scary and I would much rather brag about Santana than ask confusing questions. "I went to her house last weekend and we ate really good food. It was so tasty. And her little cousin kept flirting with me…but he was super little."

She laughed.

It made me want to tell more. "And so much of her family was there. She had all of her aunts I think and uncles and there was this tiny little baby. It was just born. At first it didn't cry, but at dinner I heard it crying and her aunt had to get up and go get it. And she even brought it to the table and held it." I unclasped my hands from behind my back. I was starting to get excited and needed my hands to fully emphasize how cool everything was. "And after dinner everyone hung out in the living room and her family talked. I went upstairs with Santana," I paused but only for a second. I didn't want to lie, but still wanted to leave a clue for her. "We listened to music. And she gave me a toothbrush."

"That's very nice of her." My mom nodded again.

"Oh!" I had almost forgotten to tell her about the house. "And her house is huge! They have a big deck with wooden chairs and Santana's room is upstairs." Our house was only one story and if it had been two-story I think I would have sledded down the stairs every day with the old wood sled in the garage. So it was probably a good thing that we only had one story to our house. "And they're bathroom-" Nope. I stopped myself. Not going to say that…

My mom didn't seem to catch on. Thank goodness. "Well I'll have to meet her sometime. She sounds like a very nice girl."

"We should have family come over?" I suggested. It had been fun at Santana's and could be fun here. Then I could invite Santana over and we could eat spaghetti. "And we could get up early and go get groceries in the morning and go on walks with Lord Tubbington and then cook food from the food channel." Best, plan, ever.

"Our family doesn't live in Lima Brittany. And the house is too small." My mom turned back to face the computer.

"Well, we could still grocery shop and go on walks. And maybe just one aunt could come at a time." I said. Even though I had ignored my aunt's invitation on my birthday card to visit, that didn't mean that I didn't want to meet her and get to know her. And what better way to get to know her than to have her come here so my mom could introduce us. Or, I guess she would be reintroducing us since we met a long time ago.

"We don't have money Brittany or we could pay to get the sink fixed and get your father's car fixed." She put her headphones back in.

"Oh." My shoulders slumped. "Walks are free?"

"Not now. It's late and getting dark."

I looked out the window. It was starting to get dark. And I hadn't meant go on a walk now, but I guess if I could convince her that we could be quick then she would go. "We can just walk down the road and back. And race the sun."

"I said not now." My mom spoke and was now back to the computer.

I stood for a second thinking that I would find something more to say, but couldn't think of a convincing argument to go on a walk. I spun on my heels and started back toward my room. First I reached for my phone. Then I shut the door and fell back down on my bed.

I texted Santana, _Whats your last name?_

I fell back flat on my blankets and set my phone on my tummy. I used to set it on the nightstand by my bed, but when it vibrated it would scare me.

It had to have been only five minutes later when my mom opened my door. She looked kind of regretful and like she had been worried about something. She shut the door behind her and sat cross-legged on my floor.

So I sat up and waited. She only ever came in my room when something was super important. Last time she came in here was after I told her I had broken up with my boyfriend. I tried to tell her that I wasn't sad, but I think she was waiting for me to change my mind and she just sat and kept asking questions.

My mom started to say something, took a deep breath, let it out, and then didn't say it. She wasn't even looking at me.

Do I say something? It kind of looked like she was waiting for me to ask her what was wrong. "What's wrong?"

She finally looked at me. Her eyes were narrowed. "Is this family not good enough for you?"

_What? _My body got stiff. What was she talking about? I hadn't said that or even imply that. Did she read it in my diary, because I hadn't written that in my diary either.

"You come out and start talking about someone who has it better than we do. And then you get upset when you don't get what you want. This family has done so much for you." She narrowed her eyes even more.

"I didn't say that." My voice was only barely able to squeak out.

"Yes. You came out and went on and one about how you wished that we could be like your friend's family. I can't believe you would say that I'm not good enough when all I have ever done is given you everything. Tutors, dance classes, cheer camp. Those things aren't cheap."

"Yeah I know." I mumbled. I was still so confused. What was she talking about?

She didn't say anything for a while. I think she was waiting for me to say something and give her an answer. "I just wanted to go on a walk." I said. I tried to lighten the situation. She must have misunderstood me.

"No. You came out and you got upset when I told you that it was too late. Where do you get off getting upset for something so silly Brittany? You treat me like I give you nothing. And I give you everything." She kind of repeated herself. She had already said she had given me everything. I knew that…

She sat still again and didn't say anything. This time I didn't say anything either, because that hadn't worked out last time.

She took in another breath and started again. "We just don't have money to fix up the house. I would love to re-do the baseboard and the framing around the doors and patch up the holes in the walls."

"Yeah." I pulled my lips into my mouth so I didn't say anything else. I still wasn't sure what to say around her. She was kind of hard to read and it was hard to figure her out when she misunderstood what I said half of the time.

Then it looked like she was going to cry. She didn't though. "Maybe we'll win the lottery or something and we can get a big mansion." She laughed.

I nodded with approval. Hesitantly nodded though.

"Maybe," I started, "you could just start by super cleaning everything. When I clean my car it looks nice. And wood is cheap so I can get some."

Her body tensed. I had said something wrong. _Shit._

She stood up so quickly from the ground and pointed her finger at me. "Get out."

My eyes went wide.

"Ungrateful _bitch._" She hissed and flung my door open. She stormed out and then stormed back in. "Get out of my house now. How dare you say something like that. Maybe you should scrub everything clean."

My body got heavy. The tears in my eyes were so thick that I couldn't even see clearly anymore. I didn't understand why she had gotten so upset. I hadn't meant anything bad. Our house was fine even if it wasn't fancy. I had never said it needed to be better for our relatives to come over in the first place.

She left again and slammed the door behind her.

I was shaking. Why had I said stupid stuff like that? And the worst part was I didn't even know what I had said. It was so frustrating. I stood and yanked my dresser open. I wanted to go out and apologize but I couldn't. I knew I couldn't. When my mom got that mad you kind of just had to be patient and wait it out. She didn't accept apologies and she didn't listen.

What was I looking for? I shut the dresser and darted to my closet. I was starting to cry now. So I held my breath to keep quiet. What did I need? I looked at my hanging clothes and then looked at what I was wearing. Leggings and a tank top. I couldn't go outside with just this on. I yanked a sweatshirt off one of the hangers and shoved it over my head. The easiest thing to put on were my rain boots, so I stepped my feet into them. I snuck out my door and then out the front door. I closed it behind me and started heading to my car.

Except I had forgotten my keys. I didn't want to go back. I kept walking. I passed my car and started down the street.

My body was starting to hurt from crying. I never cry, so I wasn't used to it. At least the sun was down now so my neighbors couldn't see me. And I tried to be quiet. If I had remembered to bring my keys then I could have hidden in my car and parked in some parking lot. I patted my sweatshirt pocket only to find that I had forgotten my phone too. Now I couldn't even call someone. Not even Hailey to bring me my keys. I used the sleeve of my sweatshirt to wipe my nose. Tears were choking me. They were in my nose, in my throat, in my eyes and they wouldn't go away.

Headlights were coming from behind me. I pulled the hood on my sweatshirt over my head and tightened the strings. If it was a neighbor I didn't want them recognizing me.

The car was noisy and I had heard it so many times before that listening to him drive by was like part of my day. It was that speed racer boy that everyone got mad at for racing down our road. But he wasn't even racing now. In fact. His car was slowing.

I turned my face away from where he would be passing me and folding my arms across my chest.

His car engine softened even more. _Crap. _I choked back another sob and wiped at my eyes. He was going to stop. I frantically tried to wipe away all the tears on my face.

"Yo," He called from his window. His car was walking along with me. "I would recognize those rain boots anywhere. Brittany right?"

He knew my name? I jerked my head and looked at him. It was that Puck guy. Really? Weird.

"Whoa, what's wrong?" His voice rose. "Do you need a ride home?"

I shook my head _no, _because I knew my voice would have cracked.

"Stop walking for a second." He said.

So I stopped, but made sure to keep my head down. I didn't like crying in front of people. Especially people I didn't know that well, because then it made them feel all weird.

His car stopped. "Dude I can give you a ride somewhere. Anywhere."

But I didn't have anywhere to go. I rubbed my eyes again with my sleeve, but it didn't help because my sleeve was soaked.

"Do you want me to call someone? One of your friends? You can use my phone." He held it out the window at me.

"I don't know their numbers." I whispered.

He pinched his lips. "Here. Hop in. I promise I won't steal you. And you can call whoever you want." He leaned further out of his car and tried to hand me his phone.

Maybe I had been wrong about him. Sure he was kind of not as cool for cheating on Quinn, but that didn't mean he wasn't nice. I grabbed the phone and rounded his car. He leaned over and opened the door for me.

When I sat and shut the door I felt so small in the car. I was staring at his phone. I tried desperately to remember someone's number and tried even hard to think of someone who I wouldn't feel bad about calling.

"Here." He grabbed the phone out of my hand. "What about Quinn? You came to that party with her right? Or Santana? I have their numbers. Or we could even go as far as me calling Mike for his girlfriend's number. Though I think you would have to ask him for it so he wouldn't think I was trying to hook up with her."

I laughed a little, but it wasn't enough to break through that heavy feeling in my chest.

"So who's the lucky girl?" He asked again, but wasn't pushy.

"Uh-h," my voice shook. The only name I really had heard him say was Santana. "Santana."

"Santana it is." He scrolled through his phone and then held it up to his ear.

I could hear it ring in the silence of his car. I was about to ask him to forget about it, but then I couldn't think of someone else I would rather hang out with. And I figured she'd be okay with me being at her house again.

It stopped ringing when she answered, "What? I'm at work." Her voice was harsh, but soft through his phone, almost not loud enough for me to hear.

"Well hello to you too." He spoke.

"Look, I'm not in the mood so thanks but no thanks." She said again.

"Not what I was offering." He glanced back at me. "I'm with," he mouthed my name, _Brittany? _I nodded yes. "Brittany."

"Why?" She snapped back.

"I found her walking down the road. She's pretty upset and asked if I could call you. "

My heart was beating so hard. _Please be okay with this, please, please, please. _

"Is she okay?" Santana started. "What road? What happened? Where are you?"

"She's with me. And she's not hurt." he held the phone away from his ear and talked to me, "You're not hurt right?"

I shook my head _no. _

"She's not hurt."

"Bring her to Shuester's. I'll get off early. Call me when you're here." She said bye and he said bye.

He set his phone in the cup holder in between us and then looked to me. "Santana asked me to take you to Shuester's. Is that cool?"

I was already nodding yes, before he asked.

The entire car ride I tried to stop crying. I wasn't being loud or anything, but tears kept coming out. Maybe my tears were mad at me for trying to be so quiet. I didn't want to cry like this when we got there. It felt like I was making a huge deal out of something that shouldn't even concern other people. Puck was nice though, he asked me what station I wanted to listen to and he made small talk even though I didn't really respond.

When he pulled into the parking lot of Shuester's he was already calling Santana again. "Here."

She didn't even say anything back to him. He put his phone back and parked right next to Santana's car.

I was trying to think of something to say to him and a way to thank him. "Thanks." I wiped at my eyes again.

"Yeah. Damsel in distress. It's like my kryptonite." He shrugged. "And not saying that this is why I did it, because it's not, but I'll get huge bonus points with Santana for helping. Which should help because she's kind of been avoiding me lately. So you remember to tell her what a good guy I am."

I laughed through another soft cry. "Okay."

"And get my number from Santana when you get a chance. That way you can always call if you need a ride." He nodded toward my window. "She's coming."

I opened his door, carefully so I didn't hit Santana's expensive car with his expensive car. Before I climbed out I said thanks one more time. He was backing up and pulling away before Santana reached me.

The closer she got the quicker she moved. "Britt what's wrong?" She finally reached me and grabbed my wrist.

Suddenly I felt so stupid. So, so, so overdramatic. This was silly. I didn't need to go through all of this just because my mom was upset. I could have just sat out and waited by my car until she fell asleep way later and then went in and grabbed my keys. Now I was making guys I barely knew drive me to a friend I had just made.

She started to rub her hand up and down my arm. "Is everything okay?"

"It's fine." I used my sopping sleeve to try and clean up the mess my tears were making.

"Come here." She nodded towards her car and waited for me to start walking. When I did she guided me to the passenger side and opened the door for me. "Here, sit down."

I sat down and kept my legs out of the car to face her. She kneeled in front of me. "You're crying Brittany." She started to mimic the motion she had earlier been making on my arm, and began rubbing her hands up and down my calves. I think she was trying to comfort me, but it made me cry even harder. Now I was crying because of what had happened with my mom, _and_ because I was embarrassed that she was seeing my reaction.

She let me cry. A few people walked by, customers, but she politely waved to them so that they didn't think something was wrong. My chest hurt so bad, like I had been coughing for a month straight. And it wasn't a quiet cry like it had been in Puck's car, because at this point I didn't care. I cried until I ran out of tears and until I was too drained to keep going.

"Okay. Feel better?" She asked and scooted a little closer to me so that she was sitting up on her knees.

"A little." It was the truth. I felt better, because now I wasn't crying and I was just sniffling. "I was worried my body forgot how to stop crying."

"I think you just needed to cry. Remember what you said," She was still rubbing my legs, "crying helps."

I guess it did help. Now I didn't have anything to cry about, because I already cried. "Yeah."

"So," she stopped her rubbing. "If you want to tell me what happened, I want to hear about it. Maybe I can help too."

I tried to think through everything. I didn't want to give her a huge explanation, but this was kind of a long story. I would have to explain what I had been thinking about before I talked to my mom. About not really knowing what to ask Santana. Except now that she was sitting right in front of me, it didn't really seem like that big of a deal anymore. But there was something I had to tell her, because I had just remembered. "You're a good person and if you ever hear someone say anything even a little bad about you then don't listen to it."

She laughed. "I think you have forgotten, but do you remember what happened when Rachel tried to cross me?"

I hadn't forgotten. That wasn't what I was talking about. "I'm serious." I sniffed. "You are the best person I know."

"Thank you." She responded.

It was the first time I had ever seen her truly accept a compliment. Whenever anyone said something good about her before it was like she didn't believe them. It was probably because she was confused and not sure how to tell the difference between good and bad.

"But," she patted my legs. "Stop trying to change the topic. I want to know what is wrong with you."

"Oh," I wasn't sure what to say. What had happened still seemed blown out of proportion. "It's okay. I just was upset at first. It's stu-"

She cut me off. "Britt, stop. You know it's not stupid. You're not stupid." She sat back on her calves. "I _want _to hear what you have to say."

Santana was the type of person who had to be asked twice after they said things were fine. I guess I had to be asked three times.

So I told her. I told her that my mom didn't remember her, and that I talked to my mom about having big dinners at our house because it was so much fun. That at first my mom didn't say anything and then she had come into my room. And I told her that I thought my mom misunderstood me, because I didn't mean to make her think that our family wasn't good enough. Then I tried to explain why my mom kicked me out.

The entire time Santana had her forehead crunched down. Her eyes searched my face for every expression I made and the reason behind it, because I don't think my words were enough for her. Probably because I wasn't making sense.

Just like when I had been talking to her in her bed, I was taking awkward breaths. It was so weird to have her listening this closely. It made me feel kind of naked even though I was completely fine with her seeing me naked if she wanted.

She didn't ask or say anything until I had finished. She had waited when I stopped talking a few times, because sometimes I would remember something and then start talking again. But the last time I hadn't had anything else to add. So she added something. "Do you want to come over tonight?"

"Yes please." Those were the one-and-only words that would help lighten my mood. I was sure she knew that too.

"Good, because I need help organizing my closet." She stood up and gestured for me to swing my legs in her car. When I did, she poked her head down in. "You are my favorite person. You know that right? I'm not as good with words as you are, but even though we've only been friends for like a week, you're my favorite."

I was beaming for the next hour. The thing with my mom was entirely forgotten. Santana took me to get peppermint ice cream and even paid for it. And then we went in the store to get hangers for her clothes and we looked through magazines at the check-out counter. Finn was working and even though she was trying to hide how irritating she thought he was, she didn't say anything sassy to him and she let me talk with him for a little. She talked to him too and I could tell that Finn was a little surprised at how nice she was being.

It felt like Christmas and I was getting presents that didn't need to be wrapped. Ice cream, because it would melt, and then the opportunity to look at whatever I wanted in the store while she was right by my side and joking along with me. I didn't want Finn for Christmas though, but it was still nice that she had been okay with talking to him.

She had stolen the thoughts from my mind when she had said that I was her favorite person, because she was mine. It was like when I had already figured she as perfect, she got even more perfect.

**xxXx**

**thanks stephanie (again)**


	10. A Smile Is Worth A Thousand Words

**a/n: alllllll righty! Here is ten. This was THE HARDEST chapter I have written yet. There was just so much going on and that needed to happen. And there's a lot of words...I hadn't intended for it to be so long, but I added something that I KNOW you'll approve of. I can't say what it is now, but you'll see... I hope you enjoy it and I look forward to your reviews and seeing what you guys think. :) **

**Chapter 10 : A Smile Is Worth A Thousand Words**

"Is your family still here?" I asked as I climbed out of her car. I was a little worried that they would question her for bringing someone home so late. Not worried that they would be mad about it, just worried because even though I show up at home super late almost every night, doesn't mean that other families are used to that. I didn't want her to have to make up an excuse for me being there or have to explain why I was there.

Santana popped open the trunk. I walked to the back of her car and pulled out the hangers she had bought and a grocery bag with Goldfish crackers and a new magazine. She bought the magazine after I had picked it up. I told her that she didn't have to buy it for me, but she insisted that _she wanted to know who was over and out in 2011. _

"No, but my mom should be home." Santana shut the trunk and we started toward her house. "She was texting me earlier when I was at work. I swear that woman should not be allowed to text."

That was cute. When my dad got a new phone from his work he would always text me things. For a week straight he sent me a text every morning at nine that just said _hello _and had a different smiley face. But now he just texts me when he has real questions like, _what flavor of applesauce do you like _or _is your mom awake yet? _I was pretty sure applesauce only had one flavor.

"So what did she cook for dinner this time? I'm starving." I asked.

Santana scrunched her forehead, stopped on the porch, and looked at me. "You didn't eat yet?"

"I ate the ice cream…that you bought me." I said.

"Britt. It's like, almost eleven." She pushed open the front door and stepped in her house.

"Okay. I'm fine then." I followed her in. I guess I hadn't realized it was that late. Well, I did realize it was late, because I had been worried about showing up at her house so late, but I guess I had forgotten that I was probably part of the only family in the entire world that didn't eat dinner before ten. At my house, for dinner, we scrounged and ate whatever there was whenever we felt like it.

"No. Britt. If you're hungry we'll eat something in the kitchen." She shut the door when I walked in. I waited by the entrance while she walked over to the foot of the stairs. "Mamma!" She yelled up. "I'm home, so you can stop texting me, please."

I laughed a little. Santana walked back and waved for me to follow her to the kitchen.

The house was so big and so empty without her family here. But it was still cozy. All the colors matched. Golds. Reds. Browns. It was pretty and warm. The couches looked like they could swallow you whole and even the candles matched the wallpaper. It felt like there was a fireplace following me wherever I walked or looked.

We walked into the kitchen and I set her hangers and the bag on the island counter. This time it didn't smell like amazing Mexican food. It just smelled like clean dishes and a lemon _Frebreze_ commercial.

"Want tamales?" She opened the fridge.

"Yes!" I smiled and raced to stand next to her. Tamales were the best and I only ever got to eat them during Christmas when our neighbors brought them over. "I love these!"

She pulled out a green tub and I walked with her to the island counter. She popped off the plastic lid and looked at me with the biggest questioning eyes I had ever seen. "How many?" I felt like she made her eyes super big so I wouldn't feel guilty if I told her a ridiculously large number.

I reached in and pulled out two. They were still in that weird tamale skin and cold like they had been sitting for quite a few hours. She grabbed me a plate, wrapped the tamales in wet paper towels, and we put them in the microwave. I watched the tamales turn and cook in the microwave and Santana went back to the counter and started flipping through the magazine.

"So," Santana spoke when the tamales had made their sixteenth spin. I glanced over my shoulder at her. "I'm glad you called." She didn't look up. Her eyes were reading through an article.

I smiled and turned back to the microwave. "Me too. These are going to be scrumptious." I wanted to make sure she knew I appreciated the food.

Her phone rang and it kind of made me jump. It was like a sharp whip when I had been mesmerized by the low hum from the tamales reheating. I spun around and watched her start to dig through her purse. She was grumbling something about how it better not be her mom and getting more impatient after each second that she couldn't find it. But when she pulled it out and looked at the screen she stopped grumbling and a scowl covered her impatience. She answered. "Yeah?"

Santana's phone wasn't loud enough for me to hear who she was talking to. Plus the microwave was kind of noisy. Then I spun around, because I didn't want her to think I was trying to listen in on her conversation, even though I was going to ask who it was when she hung up.

"Yeah. Fine. With me." Santana spoke quickly and sharp. "Cause, she doesn't have it."

I peeked over my shoulder. Santana was leaning against the other side of the counter with her back to me.

"Right here." She paused. "God. Fine. Why are you freaking out?" Santana stopped talking again and I heard her walk over to me. When she reached me she held the phone out. "It's for you."

If I could have lifted one eyebrow at a time, I was sure that would have happened right now. Who would possibly be calling Santana to get to me? Did people already know that we were each other's favorite people? That would be cool.

I grabbed the phone and held it to my ear. "Hello?"

Santana walked back to the fridge and opened it.

"Hey, it's Quinn. Are you okay?" Quinn said it so quickly that it could have just been one sentence.

"Yes."

Santana glanced to look at me and I swear I saw her roll her eyes. Did she really not like Quinn _that _much? Well, I guess she couldn't totally hate her, because she didn't hang up on Quinn or tell her that I was in the bathroom and would call her back. I think Santana was just sneaky nice to other people. She was kind of snappy with Quinn on the phone, but it was nice of her to answer the call and let Quinn talk to me.

"Puck stopped by Shuester's when I got off." Quinn continued. "He told me that he had picked you up and you were a mess. Are you sure you're okay?"

Santana pulled out ketchup and sour cream and held them towards me from across the kitchen. I pointed at the ketchup. She nodded and put the sour cream back in the fridge.

"Yeah. I'm okay now. I'm at Santana's. We're eating tamales. And we bought hangers."

"Are you sure? I can come get you. Or I can talk to you on the phone. Whatever you need." Her words were pleading and apologetic. I think she felt bad for not being there for me when it happened. That didn't make sense though, because she didn't even know about it then. So I wasn't sure why she was so worried. How in the world did I get two people like this? Sure Quinn's not as warm and relaxing and easy as Santana, but the feeling that her words gave me was one of the best feelings.

"It's okay. I'm with Santana." I spoke with my eyes still watching Santana. She looked up at when I said her name and she gave me the most adorable look. One of those looks where you narrow just one eye, pinch your lips to one side of your mouth, and force yourself not to let out a real smile. It made me let out little hummed laugh that wasn't loud enough for anyone but me to hear.

Quinn let out a soft breath. "Okay. Well, we'll talk tomorrow. You work?"

"Sure do."

The beep from the microwave startled me. I jumped away from it. Santana must have thought it was funny because she was smiling again when she walked to the microwave. She opened it and pulled out the plate.

"And call me if you need anything. To talk. Or for a ride. Promise?" Quinn said.

"I promise." I said. "Bye Quinn. Thanks."

"Bye." She hung up, and so did I.

I walked over to the counter where Santana had already taken off the tamale wrapper, squirted ketchup on the plate and was stabbing one of the tamales with a fork. She ate a piece, and then handed me the fork. "What did Quinn want?" Santana spoke with a hand covering her mouthful of food.

"Just to ask if I was okay." I started to slice the tamale into little bite sized pieces. "We should all have a sleepover sometime." I looked up.

"Yeah, no." Santana shook her head. "That wouldn't end well."

"Why not?" I stabbed a piece, drowned it in ketchup, and then lifted it to my mouth. "Maybe you guys just need to reignite your friendship flame."

"Our _friendship flame_?" Santana smiled and it made her face look so sweet and soothing and it was nothing like some people smile at me when I say something a little different. If she hadn't already told me that I was her favorite person, then I could have figured it out right now.

She took the fork from me and stabbed one of the pieces I had cut. "Quinn's not very nice. And I'm not very nice." Her smile faded and she shrugged.

"She's nice to me." I took the fork from her. "And you're nice to me."

"Because you're… _you." _It took her a second to find the word _you._ _"_Nobody likes me." She joked and again shrugged.

I didn't think it was funny. "I like you. And I like your smile."

Her smile faltered, but not into a frown. It changed into another smile. She let it disappear and I wish she hadn't. I wish people didn't do that. They let compliments last for seconds when they should remember them forever. And Santana didn't even accept compliments most of the time, which was sad. I want to write down every nice thing about her on a piece of paper and make her memorize it. Or give her flashcards. She was the pretty girl that everyone was too intimidated to say anything to, but she was the girl who deserved words the most.

"I used to do _stuff _with Puck way before he and Quinn dated. We never dated, but people knew about _us._ " She spoke through our silence. I stopped chewing so I could listen to exactly everything she said. "And so, whatever, I slept with Puck after he and Quinn got together." She said that last part quickly. Maybe she wanted to rush through it because she figured it wasn't important _or_ she knew it was wrong, but the fact that she said it only proved to me that she didn't lie. "That was my first time. He was my first."

I swallowed the food in my mouth, nodded, and stabbed another tamale piece. Whatever I did to make her start telling this story…I needed to do it more and forever. I wanted to hear all her stories and I wanted to hear them over and over and over.

"But someone told her about us having sex. Not really sure who it was, probably Puck, but it doesn't matter."

"I've never had sex." I spoke through a mouthful of ketchup and tamale. It wasn't really relevant to what we were talking about, but it still slipped out.

Her eyes snapped to mine. The look on her face was new. It wasn't the usual reaction I got from people when I told them that. I think I was too nervous and shocked that I had said it to be able to judge her reaction and figure out why she was looking at me like that. She wasn't blinking or moving, but she wasn't frowning or lacking an emotion.

She cleared her throat. "Well, it hurts. A lot. Especially the first time." She leaned forward on the counter and rested on her elbows. I could practically see her flipping through her thoughts and deciding what to say. "I was fifteen." She looked back up at me. "But Puck did it quick and it was better that way. Even if it hurt, I just wanted it over with."

I knew I was frowning. That was awful. Sex wasn't something that should be gotten over with. But I shut off my thoughts and tried to process the new information. I counted back the years. "She's still mad about it? It happened like four years ago."

"She's not mad. I mean, she doesn't like me. But we were still _friends _during high school. We had to be. It was easier. And we're still _friends _now."

"Oh…" I pinched my lips. "Were you in love with Puck? Are you still?" Was that why she slept with him? She didn't want to lose him to Quinn.

"Oh God no." She straightened up and walked to a cupboard. She pulled out two cups and walked them back to me. "He's a douche." And then she walked to the fridge and grabbed milk. Watching her like this was tied with watching her talk for the number one spot on my current favorite things to do.

I picked up a cup she had poured for me and started to drink it. I didn't want to ask any questions during her story, because I was worried that she would get distracted or stop. But I had so many questions. About her. About Quinn. About Puck. And about why she was telling me this.

She walked the milk carton back to the fridge and didn't talk until we both had finished the plate of tamales and our milk. "Like I said, it hurts a lot. And it's kind of hard to think of anything else besides it hurting." She rolled her eyes. "I was fifteen and insecure. And I kept asking Puckerman how I was."

It didn't matter what age you were. I was pretty sure every girl thought that. But I didn't say it, because I had never had sex and I didn't have any room to say something like that.

"The guys at school then started talking about a freshman who was like a dying fish in bed and just kind of laid there and did nothing." Her face only flashed a second of hurt and then covered it up.

I guess hearing the story out loud and hearing it four or so years after it had happened didn't have the same instant impact. It was one of those stories that brushed over at first, but then kept digging and made my heart sink. When I thought about it…being that young, being called that…it was awful. People could be so cruel and so clueless. I would go crazy if I heard someone say that about Hailey...or me.

"That's mean Santana. You shouldn't listen." I mirrored exactly what I had told her earlier when I had been crying. I wanted to have met her long ago so I could have told her those words when she was fifteen.

"I know. I know Britt." She tried to laugh it off. She grabbed our dirty dishes and brought them to the sink. "That all happened so long ago, so I'm over it. And I've started equally wicked rumors about Puck so I think we might be even. But," she looked over her shoulder, "that's one of the many reasons Quinn and I don't have sleepovers. It would be awful and awkward and we wouldn't have anything nice to say to each other."

"You didn't do _nothing _when we were in my bed." I said softly just in case she was worried her mom would hear, even though her mom was all the way upstairs. I just felt like it was important that I let her know how I felt about that night and how incorrect this _rumor _about her was.

But she still whipped around to face me, with wide eyes. She looked around the kitchen and then back at me. Her face was starting to flush. And then she turned back to the sink and continued to rinse the dishes.

That was cute.

The night we did stuff she was all sexy and hot. Then the next morning she was sweet and smiling at me. And now she was flustered. I have never made someone blush before. Well I had, but not for doing sexy stuff with them and then talking about it.

She shut the water off and walked back to me. "I've never done _that." _She was stumbling over her words and fiddling with the magazine.

I wasn't sure exactly what she meant. I had an idea, but I didn't know whether she meant she had never kissed someone's neck or whether she had never kissed someone's neck while they touched themselves.

She answered before I even had to ask. "With a girl."

Perfect. I didn't even have to ask her. All the mess with trying to figure it out myself and then trying to ask my mom, and then getting kicked out was just a huge roundabout way of getting the answer I wanted from her from a question I didn't even have to ask. But things happened for reasons and I would much rather have been here, with her, at her house getting this answer, than doing anything else.

Even so, I felt like I took the hard way. Next time I would just tell her what I was thinking instead of making a mess of things.

"Stop looking at me like that." She blushed even more. But I could see how tense she was, like the way I responded and acted right now determined everything. Her jaw was clenching and she looked the kind of nervous someone gets when they eventually end up puking.

I deadened the look on my face. I think I had been smiling before. "Sorry." I grinned again anyway. I wanted her to be okay and I knew smiling was the best way to make this okay and make her feel okay about talking.

"Have you?" She whispered. She looked even more flushed now. I could practically feel her throat tighten with the words. But then she also looked different, almost better. Kind of like all she needed was to talk about that stuff before it suffocated her. I wonder how long she had been holding on to that story about Puck and her and Quinn? Proof that she was a hundred times stronger than me. I couldn't even worry about things for an hour before I had given up and tried to ask my mom. She had been holding on to that rumor for years. People didn't know it, and I wasn't sure why not, but it was little things like that that could change someone.

"No."

She had asked the question like it had been nearly impossible to ask, but I didn't think it was a big deal. It was just a question and the answer was _no, I hadn't done anything like that with a girl or had ever thought about it…until now._ I didn't think there was a question in the whole entire world that would make me feel uncomfortable around her.

"Could have fooled me." She teased. All the tension in her words was gone.

Now I was blushing. She had caught me off guard. I have had guys say way more suggestive and dirty things to me and I didn't even budge when they had. All she was doing was teasing and I was blushing like the hugest dork.

"Want anything else Britt?" She walked to the fridge and grabbed a water bottle. She held it towards me.

"Sure." I said.

She walked back with two water bottles.

"I like when you call me Britt." I took the bottle. "You need a nickname."

"It's not a nickname, I'm just too lazy to say the rest of your name." She untwisted the cap from her bottle.

"What if I call you…San..ta." I smiled.

She scowled and twisted the cap back on her bottle. "No."

"Santa." I was smiling like an idiot and still blushing like a dork. I knew it. And I knew she could see it.

She stepped toward me and pointed a finger.

I backed away and darted so that the island counter was in between us.

"Britt that's not funny." She started to walk around the counter.

I kept moving so she didn't get any closer. "I love Christmas though. And Santa's _big bulging sack_."

She dropped her jaw and gasped out a laugh. "Stop." She was grinning now. "I am not Santa and I don't have a _sack_."

She started to move quicker around the counter, so I started to move away from her quicker.

"Want to hear a joke?" I smiled.

She stopped. "Fine." She crossed her arms. "Anything to get you to stop calling me Santa."

"I don't believe you."

"What?" Santana lifted both eyebrows and cocked her head.

"You said you never did anything with girls. But…" I sang the word _but, _"Santa knows where all the naughty girls live."

At first she was shocked I had said it. And then she was racing around the counter so fast that the only way I could get away was if I ran out of the kitchen. So I did. I ran out and ran through the living room. When I reached the stairs she was right behind me.

I screamed, because being chased up the stairs was the scariest thing in the world. But it was a laugh and a scream at the same time. She laughed too. Her hand almost caught my arm, but she wasn't quick enough. We stomped up the stairs and when I reached the top I sprinted for her room.

The door was open. I burst into her room and dove for her bed. I rolled and wrapped her blankets around me. I was laughing so hard. I felt the bed shift when she jumped on it too. She crawled on top of me and started to try and tug the blanket away.

I was squirming and couldn't breathe. She got the blanket off easily and started to pinch at my sides.

I screamed again.

"Shh." She laughed, but didn't stop pinching.

I tried to roll over underneath her, but with her straddling me, and her thighs pinched so tightly around my hips, I couldn't budge.

"I'm gonna pee." I forced the words through a desperate laugh. My stomach was cramping from laughing so hard.

"No more Santa." She pinched me again.

"Fine." I wriggled and held in a squeal. "Fine. No more Santa."

"Okay." She hopped off me and then off the bed. "Go pee you dork."

I sat up. I was out of breath and my mouth was sore from smiling too big and from laughing so hard. I scooted off the bed and followed her to her closet. "I already peed."

Her eyes snapped open when she looked at me.

I smiled again. "Just kidding. I didn't have to pee. It's my safety word…words."

"Well," she opened her closet and stepped in. "If you're ever in a situation where you need a safety word I suggest you chose something a little sexier."

I didn't respond, because I was still stunned that she had a closet that you could walk into. It was like another room. It was almost as big as my room. There were shoes all over and she had more clothes than my entire family combined.

"Santana?" A woman spoke from the door.

I jerked to face her and Santana poked her head out.

"Yes mom?" Santana went back into the closet.

"Just checking to see what all the noise was about." Her mom waved _hi_ to me.

I figured I could answer. "Santana chased me up the stairs. Sorry for being noisy. I forgot."

"It's fine honey. And it's good to see you again. There are leftovers downstairs if you girls get hungry." Her mom started to leave and then stepped back in. "And your aunt is still here. Marcus took a nap all day so he's been up listening to us talk for the past few hours. Do you mind if I send him in here. Adult talk is probably a little boring for him."

"Sure." I nodded. Santana just grumbled.

Her mom left and then I watched Santana start to dig through her clothes. "Do you want to put these on the bed?" She picked up four jewelry boxes and held them out to me. "These are the ones I had Marcus pull out the other day."

"Can I look through them?" I loved looking through people's jewelry. It was like looking at something invisible. You got to see what they liked and see what other people bought them.

"Go for it." Santana turned back and I darted for the bed.

Before I was kneeling at the edge of her bed I had opened the first one. It was full of rings. Dozens and dozens and dozens of them. My eyes went wide. I grabbed a few and turned them between my fingers. "These are pretty."

Santana walked out from her closet and kneeled next to me. She reached in and grabbed a handful of rings. "Goodness, I haven't looked at these in forever."

The door creaked a little and Marcus walked in. He was dragging a blanket behind him and his hair was everywhere. He dropped the blanket right when he saw me and ran over. He kneeled on the other side of me, but stood up when he couldn't see on the bed. He reached in to grab some rings, but Santana slapped his hand.

"No way." She pointed at him. "You can look at one at a time and then switch it to look at another. But I don't want you losing these."

"That's what I was doing!" He snapped back at her and then grabbed just one ring.

Then I spotted earrings. I put all the rings back in the box and grabbed them. They were tiny little bows with a tiny little shiny gem in the middle. "These are cool." I said in awe, and ran my thumb over the cold silver.

Santana held her hand out and I gave her the earrings. At first I thought she was taking them, because she didn't want me to lose them, or because these were what she had been looking for when she made Marcus pull out her jewelry boxes. But she used her fingertips on my cheek to guide my head closer to her. "Try them out."

I didn't have earrings in, so she slipped the bows in quickly. She popped off the backs to them, held my ear between her fingers, and then I turned so she could put in the other earring.

"How do they look?" I asked. I was running my thumbs over the cold metal so she couldn't actually see how they looked.

"Perfect." She answered without asking me to move my fingers.

I turned to her little cousin. "Do you like them?"

"Yeah." He nodded, but went back to playing with the ring in his hand.

I stood and walked to her mirror. They were cute. Tiny cute little silver bows. I got close so I could see everything about them. All of my earrings were boring studs. These were amazing and shiny.

When I walked back to her and kneeled down I reached my hands up to take them out.

"No," Santana grabbed my wrists and pulled them away. "Keep them in." She didn't let go of my wrists until my hands were resting on her jewelry box.

"So you don't lose them?" I asked.

She bumped her hip into mine. "Sure."

We looked through the rest of her jewelry. Marcus didn't listen and kept putting all of the rings on his fingers at once. And then he fell asleep on the floor so Santana had to carry him back to his room. When she got back I told her that it was cool that she had rooms for people that didn't even really live here. And then we went to her bathroom. She let me use another toothbrush and told me that I could keep it at home for back up, or keep it in my car for whenever I stayed the night at different places. And then I just asked her if I could keep it here in case I came over by surprise again.

She said yes.

She also let me borrow shorts to sleep in since my leggings would make me super hot and sweaty. We crawled into her bed and I scooted to her. I slid one arm underneath her back so I could hug her body and then I laid my head on her chest. I loved that we could do this now and it was just something we did.

She played with my hair. Her fingers twirled it and gently tugged. "I can teach you how to do braids sometime." She mumbled. "So you can cross it off your list."

I nodded into her chest instead of answering. She sounded tired and I didn't want to make a noise and wake her up. I was glad I did that, because she fell asleep right after. She was the first to fall asleep this time. Probably because it was well past midnight and she had worked all day.

I squeezed my eyes shut and tried not to think about what happened with my mom. I forced myself to think about Santana, which wasn't that hard to do. I thought about when I first met her and I tried to figure out why she told me that story in the kitchen. I wanted her to smile all the time and it hurt me to know that she couldn't. I had never been so drawn to a person and I had never wanted to be around someone so badly. I wanted to be her best friend, I wanted to have sleepovers forever, and I wanted to touch her. She was sleeping though and even though Rachel was a little crazy when it came to her guidelines, I think that there are a few more things I wanted to do first before something happened again like what had happened in my bed.

It took me awhile to fall asleep, but I did.

**xxxXXXxXX**

"Hey, Britt." Santana shook my shoulder.

My body was so tired. My head was gently pounding and I didn't want to open my eyes. I especially didn't want to open them if that meant I eventually had to get out of Santana's bed. "No." I moaned and rolled over so my face was stuffed into her pillows.

"Britt please." She rubbed small circles over the middle of my back. "You can take a shower here."

"I don't wanna." I spoke into the pillow but doubted she could hear me. Did she seriously think I would move now? Especially now that she was rubbing my back. My body started to relax into sleep again. This was the best morning ever. Maybe she would rub my back until I completely fell back asleep.

"Britt." She sighed. "My dad's going to be here soon."

I snapped my head up from the pillow to look at her. It took a second for my eyes to wake up and get clear. She was lying on her side and propping herself up with her elbow. Again, she was fully dressed, freshly showered, and perfect. Her hair looked all curly and cute and amazing. "Your dad?" My voice was sleepy and crackled.

She nodded and smiled. The smile made her look weak and small. It made me want to give her the hugest hug I could. So I scooted over to her, squeezed my arm under her, and pulled myself into her chest. I closed my eyes and used the tips of my fingers to push into her back.

Maybe now she was going to let me fall back asleep, because she was letting me hug her for so long. Her hair was touching my neck and her shirt smelled so good. It smelled like her and made my mouth water. All I could think about was the first day we worked together and when she had pulled me into the back room to fix my outfit and how the first time she had gotten close to me I couldn't help but close my eyes and wish she would get even closer.

The next thing I did wasn't planned. I didn't expect to do it. I just wanted to do it and right now seemed like the perfect time.

I pulled back from the hug just a little, so I could scoot up and push my lips into hers.

It was meant to be a short peck. And it was. But for that brief second I felt her entire body hitch and her throat suck in all the air she had in her mouth. She hadn't expected it, but neither had I.

It had been too quick and too unexpected for me to get any other feeling from it that wasn't begging me to do it again.

So I did it again. I leaned in and kissed again. It wasn't a peck this time. But it wasn't a real kiss either. It was simple and our lips didn't move.

I kept still because I was startled and excited at the same time. I was panicking and it was because I wanted this so bad, and was praying that she was okay with it. Kissing on the lips was a big step and maybe I should have asked.

I knew she was panicking too because I could feel her heart thud in her chest. I didn't know exactly why it was doing that or what she was thinking. She didn't pull away though.

Her lips were gentle and even softer now that they were touching my own lips. Touching and pushing into her lips made me forget how to breathe and forget where I was. At first I couldn't figure out if this was okay, but now I was closing my eyes and relaxing every inch of my body that wasn't touching her mouth.

This was why people closed their eyes when they kissed. I always thought it was so kissing wasn't awkward. But when you kiss someone like Santana your body forces your eyes shut. Things like this were just natural. And if you dream with your eyes closed and you cry with your eyes closed then of course you would close your eyes when this kind of kiss happened. The best things happened with your eyes closed because you're supposed to feel it all. Dreaming was imagined, crying was felt, and this kiss was beautiful and perfect.

I pulled my lips back, but didn't move. So when I talked I was talking against her lips. "Was that bad?" I asked. I didn't even open my eyes, because I was hoping I could just kiss her again.

_Knock. Knock. _

She shot up from the bed so quickly that it looked like someone had electrified her.

"Santana, honey." A man spoke through the door.

"Uh, I'm changing Papa." Santana sprinted to the door and held the doorknob. "I'll be out in a minute."

"It's a little late in the day to be just getting out of the shower." Her dad answered. I looked at the alarm clock by her bed. _7:14am. _"You don't have a boy in there do you?" He wasn't joking or teasing her when he asked this. The way he asked it gave me chills.

"No," she forced a laugh. "Of course not."

She turned to me, held up a finger as if to say _one-second, _and then slipped out her door. She shut it behind her and I heard her talking to her dad in Spanish for a while. Again, I wished I had remembered anything from that class in high school, but they were speaking so fast and so whip-like that I didn't think I could have caught anything even if I spoke Spanish.

I stood up off her bed and folded my hands. I wasn't exactly sure where to go. And I wasn't sure why she couldn't just say I was in here. Was she not allowed to have friends? That was silly and unlikely because her mom knew I was here.

Santana squeezed back in the door. Her body looked like it had been used as a punching bag, but not a real punching bag. Just an imaginary one that nobody actually punched. I think she forgot I was here because she was rubbing her palms against her forehead for a while before she looked up at me.

"Can you not have friends over?" I asked and sat back on the bed.

"No. I mean yes." She spun around her room, like she was looking for something, and then headed to her window. "I just didn't want my dad to get the wrong idea."

Wrong idea? What's that supposed to mean? How would he get a wrong idea? He didn't see anything.

She spoke to the window as she talked. "It's…just. I don't have friends over. I didn't want him walking in on you in my bed, and wearing my clothes." She looked at me.

Why didn't she say it? She didn't want him walking in on us kissing. I understood that. Of course I did. I wouldn't want anyone in my family walking in on that. Not only because she was a girl, but because that stuff was private. But, I guess because she was a girl it made it a little different. A lot different.

"My dad walked in on us in the morning." I shrugged. He had walked in on us in my bed without even expecting to see Santana and he was totally fine.

"Well my Papa is...I just don't want him to get the wrong idea about you."

I stood up. "Okay. So, do you want me to leave?" I looked around her room for what I might have brought over, but then I remembered I had brought nothing. "I don't have a car. But I can walk."

"No no." She rushed over to me. "I mean. Yes. I need you to leave. Just for now. For a second. I don't want you to get involved in anything and I don't want him talking to you. But you don't have to walk. My Papa is heading out to his shop out back. He said he would be back here in thirty minutes. I can call…Quinn?" She cringed as she said Quinn's name.

I was so confused. I didn't want to leave her. It felt wrong to leave her, especially since she was acting kind of frantic. Her dad's voice had left me on edge. I just didn't know if this would all be different if I hadn't kissed her. Would she have let me meet her dad and let her dad talk to me?

"Okay." I agreed and tried not to frown.

"Okay." She sighed and smiled and started to walk me to her door. "Let's get you showered and I'll let you borrow some of my clothes. And I'll call Quinn while you're showering. She should be awake. The girl's like a damn running clock."

I let her lead me into the bathroom. She showed me where everything was and even turned the shower on for me. And she said that she would bring some clothes in the bathroom for me and leave them on the counter.

I showered as quickly as I could. I think it only took me five minutes. My heart was pounding so hard. I kept imagining her dad busting through the door and catching me.

When I got out she had laid a whole bunch of different clothes across the counter for me. Skirts, shorts, jeans, tank tops, and a dress. There was even makeup for me to borrow. I didn't wear a lot of makeup in the first place so I just used her eyeliner and mascara.

Then I put on the dress, because it was probably better that I only borrowed one piece of her clothing instead of two. But then I remembered the only shoes I had were rain boots. I guess the rain boots wouldn't have gone with any of the clothes she had laid out for me, so I kept the dress on.

When I opened the door Santana was waiting just outside of it. She also had my shoes. "Your feet are a little bigger than mine. I don't think my shoes would fit." She set my boots down for me.

I stepped into them. "That's okay. Boots are cool."

"It's Friday, so you'll have to change when you get to work anyway. We're doing the cheerleader thing tonight." She put her hand on my shoulder and started to lead me to the stairs. "Quinn is here. She's out front in her car."

"Okie dokie." I said as we started down the stairs. We were going quick. I made sure to watch each step I took, since my rain boots were kind of clunky and I didn't want to slip.

"And Britt. I'm so sorry." She led me to the kitchen instead of the front door. "I am so so so sorry. You didn't do anything wrong. I'll see you at work in an hour. I hope this is okay."

"It's okay." I said.

The way she was talking and acting and rushing me around reminded me of that night she stayed at my house and that feeling I got when I thought she was going to see the dirty bathroom. Her father was just her version of a dirty bathroom.

We stopped at the counter and she handed me a yogurt, a spoon, and a banana.

I understood. I mean, I would have rather stayed here, with her, but I understood. I was just confused. She kept telling me that she was sorry and acting like this was her fault, but I felt like I had done something wrong. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't have kissed her and made her panic.

"I'm not kicking you out. And you can come back tonight." Santana said.

"Santana." Her father's voice boomed through the house.

She went stiff, grabbed my arm, and started to pull me toward the front door. She looked scared. It wasn't the same startled look she had gotten in the bedroom when he knocked. She was completely terrified.

Seeing her like that made me start to become scared, and scared for her. What was he doing here? What had Marcus meant by that bully comment? He wasn't going to say anything or do anything to her, was he?

I stopped when she reached the front door. "I want to stay." I demanded. I couldn't hold it back any longer. I didn't know why we were panicking. I didn't know anything, except that I had kissed her and I liked it and now her dad was here and he was scary.

"No." Santana opened the door, grabbed my arm and pulled me to the porch. She shut the door behind us.

"But I want to Santana." I tried to argue with her. She wasn't even listening. "I'm not going." I planted my feet on the porch.

"I don't want you to stay. You'll make it worse." She snapped. "Go. Quinn is already waiting for you. Don't make her wait." She pointed out toward the road.

I looked and Quinn was waiting. The yellow car almost blinded me. I looked back to Santana. Her eyes were so hidden and so lost. I couldn't tell if she was about to yell at me again and tell me to leave or if she was going to wrap me in a huge hug and apologize.

My lip shook. I made it stop though. She had already seen me cry once and I wasn't about to do it again. But I wasn't crying because she said she wanted me gone. Sure, that was a part of it. It would hurt if anyone said that. I was just so _fucking _confused. What would I make worse? Why wasn't she going to even let me try with her dad?

But part of me knew that her desperateness and her pleading was for a reason. She wouldn't do this if there wasn't a really good reason. All I could think about was her dad. That was what was making her freak out. That was who had made her cry the first time I saw her. And that was why I wanted to stay.

But I didn't want to make her say it again. She had already asked me, and then begged me. And I sure as hell didn't want to make anything worse.

So I turned and I left. I got two steps before I turned back to her, held out her spoon, and made her take it. I took the banana and the yogurt with me though, because you can't give back food.

And then I started toward Quinn's car. The front door to Santana's house opened and shut before I got half way to Quinn.

I couldn't even form a thought that had an explanation. Santana was going to be at work soon. I would see her then. It would be fine. I knew it would be fine. Maybe I shouldn't have kissed her though. I wouldn't give that feeling back for anything, but maybe I should have just waited. I hated that I wasn't even able to think about it before I had done it and that she didn't get the chance to tell me if it was okay.

When I reached Quinn's car she was all smiles. But I couldn't make myself smile back. I opened her door and slouched into the passenger seat. And even though my tummy was grumbling I didn't open the yogurt or the banana. I just set them on my lap.

"You said you were okay on the phone last night. I don't believe you anymore." Quinn glanced over her shoulder and pulled out into the road. I guess she hadn't seen Santana and me on the porch. But then again Santana's front yard was huge and her car had been really far away.

"I am okay." I said. My voice was emotionless.

"Well, put your seatbelt on and then tell me what's wrong." Quinn said and completely ignored me saying I was okay. "And what? Santana had something better to do than take you to work with her?" She shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Not that I mind, because I was glad she called." She made sure I saw her smile, I think she did it so I was reassured that she hadn't gone out of her way.

Quinn was nice and I shouldn't be all grumpy like this when she went out of her way to come and get me. So I straightened up, pulled my seatbelt over my shoulder and clicked it on. "Santana just had to talk to her dad." I said.

I didn't want to say anything about Santana, because kissing was personal. And the stuff about her dad was personal. Too much had gone on at once and that seemed like it was safe to say.

Quinn did a double take. She looked at me once, like she hadn't believed me and then looked forward. And then she looked at me again and I couldn't tell what she knew or what she meant by that look. "Oh." It was all she said. And then she didn't question me further.

I was glad the subject was dropped. I didn't want to have to lie to Quinn, because I was the worst liar and probably incapable of doing it. But I didn't want to say too much and I wasn't sure what was too much. I didn't know anything. I didn't know if it was right for me to have left. Yes. I guess. I mean. Santana wanted me to. But if she didn't show up to work right on time then I was going to go straight back to her house.

When Quinn and I got to work, Mercedes was already there with Tina. They were in the back putting on their outfits. Tina was wearing an all-black cheerleading outfit, which was totally awesome. She kind of looked like a zombie cheerleader, minus all the zombie makeup.

I put mine on with Quinn. Red and white top, red skirt, white shoes, and we both pulled our hairs up into tight ponytails. It reminded me a lot of high school, except our outfits weren't this color. And Quinn looked exactly like she had looked the first night I had met her.

Mercedes walked over to me once Quinn had left. "First of all, I'm not going to even ask why or how you showed up with Quinn. I mean, you have taken this thing to a whole new level. I applaud you girl. And if I'm not mistaken I think you have both Santana and Quinn fighting for your attention."

I turned to Mercedes. It was the first time I had smiled since leaving Santana's. "Cool."

"Second." She reached her hand up and touched my ears. "Where in the hell did you get these? They were shining from across the room."

I had forgotten about Santana's earrings. I shot both hands up just to make sure they were still there. "Shining? They're not shiny?"

"Those diamonds are blinding. The second you walked in those rocks in your ears lit up the entire place."

Rocks? They were bows though. "They're bows."

Mercedes shook her head and leaned in closer. "These are beautiful. Girl," She leaned back and put her hands on her hips, "who gave them to you?"

"Nobody gave them to me." I turned to look at her. She had the corner of her lip lifted, and I think she was waiting for me to tell her about a secret lover. Wait. I paused. And I shifted my eyes around. Santana was secret. Secret for now.

But any thought of Santana right now was making my tummy turn and not in that tummy turning way she had made me feel the other night in my bed. I felt like I had done something wrong and I didn't know what exactly I had done, but I was sure I had done all of it wrong.

"Then where did you get them." Mercedes continued to question me. "Because bling like that ain't cheap."

"Santana let me borrow them." I shrugged.

Mercedes threw her hands in the air. "I give up. I have no clue how you do it, but I give up." She pursed her lips and then sat and watched me tie my shoes. "Are you okay?"

I was a little shocked she had asked that. Was it obvious? "I'm fine." I shrugged. And I was fine. I was just worried about Santana. I wanted her to be fine.

"Okay…" she seemed hesitant. "You just seem a little off." Mercedes stood. "Oh. And don't forget about us little people." She teased and winked at me. "I know you are loving all this attention, but if you keep getting gifts like that don't forget that I am not ashamed of you re-gifting anything." Mercedes left before I could say anything.

I wanted to keep talking and follow her, but I still couldn't shrug off my thoughts of Santana. And then I remembered I was waiting for her.

I ran out from the back, through the main floor and sat, waiting, out in the front parking lot until our shifts started. She had ten minutes to get here.


	11. The Scientist

**a/n: I ended up writing this chapter and the next chapter in the same day. So now I'm caught back up after my long weekend of not writing anything :) I'm glad that you liked the last chapter and I'm hoping you'll like this one even more. Let me know**

**Oh and here's the link for the song in this chapter. Add youtube before the dot :: .com/watch?v=EqWLpTKBFcU&ob=av2e **

**And here's a link for a girl version of it, which is kind of slowed down I would imagine would fit this situation :: .com/watch?v=obFH-IO1vgU**

**Chapter 11 : The Scientist**

I couldn't figure it out. The longer I sat with my eyes squeezed tightly shut, and the harder I pushed my fingers into my temples, the more confused I got. Santana had been upset about her dad not showing up at dinner the other night, but she was freaking out when he showed up at her house today. I was missing something and I felt like it was so obvious.

I knew I had only been sitting on the curb for a few minutes, but it felt like forever. I wanted her here. I wanted her to be okay and I wanted to go inside with her and watch her change into her cheerleading uniform, because I knew she would look super cute.

The door behind me opened and I heard someone's shoes clicking towards me. I didn't even look. I kept my knees curled into my chest and I kept my fingertips pressed into the side of my head, because it felt like if I moved them then all my thoughts would fall out and I would be even more confused.

"Brittany?" It was Rachel. "Why are you out here? We need to start setting up." She stopped behind me.

I didn't answer right away, because I didn't want to get up and go inside and work. I wouldn't be able to work or concentrate, because it felt like everything was falling out of my head and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I couldn't figure out why Santana wanted me to leave or whether that kiss was okay. And I couldn't even figure out my own mom. I was so pathetic.

"I'll be there in a second." I mumbled. My eyes were glued to the road and begging to spot a shiny red car.

"Are you hung over?" She questioned. "Maybe you should be inside in the bathroom. I know fresh air helps, but maybe if you splash some cold water on your face."

"I'm not hung over." I responded. I could feel how heavy my words were and how disconnected I spoke. I usually only think about one thing at once, and that thing right now was Santana. I turned and looked at Rachel. I didn't want her to think I was being rude. "I'll be a second. I just want to wait for Santana."

Her eyebrows knitted. "I'm sure Santana can find her way in." Rachel stepped toward me and placed her hand on my shoulder. "Come inside." She smiled and gestured for me to follow her. "You can help me figure out how to get that ridiculous cheer uniform on."

"Please Rachel. Just one second." I said. "I'm waiting for Santana."

She pinched her lips and knitted her eyebrows again. But she didn't ask me to come in again. She just said okay, patted my shoulder, but didn't head inside because Quinn had just walked out.

"So this is where all the cool kids hide out." Quinn spoke. "If I would have known that then I would have stopped folding napkins a long time ago."

I looked back to the road. I didn't want to miss Santana's car.

Rachel spoke for us. "I was just seeing if Brittany wanted to come in and help me."

My heart leapt when I saw a red car, but it wasn't Santana's.

"I'm _sure _Brittany would _love_ to go inside with you Rachel." Quinn mocked and I could practically see her roll her eyes without having to look.

Rachel scoffed, her shoes clicked away, and then the door behind me opened and closed.

I didn't even notice Quinn sit next to me, not until she spoke. "What are you doing out here?" Her voice was so much softer than it had been seconds before. It was like she was speaking just for me, only for me.

"Waiting for Santana." I glanced at her and then looked back at the road. Given any other situation, us sitting on the curb wearing identical cheer uniforms would be super exciting and fun. I loved it when friends wore matching things. It made them look like even better friends.

Quinn sighed and then stood up only to kneel in front of me. She was blocking the road, but her eyes had caught my attention. They were so big and glamorous and pretty. She put both of her hands on my knees. "Santana will be fine."

I wasn't sure what to say. Did Quinn know things? It sure seemed like she knew more than me. Of course, everyone knew more than me. But Quinn continued talking and I think that was because I looked so confused and unsure.

"Santana always made it to school when we went to high school and she always makes it to work. She'll be fine." Quinn looked so sure and so right that it eased my fears just a little. Not by much, but enough to keep my head from exploding.

"So her dad is okay?" I asked so softly, because right now it only felt like this conversation should happen only between Quinn and me.

Quinn shrugged. "I think so. As I said, she was always fine." Quinn stood up and then sat next to me on the curb again. She rested her chin on her fists and continued. "It's kind of embarrassing, but even though everyone thinks Santana and I are such good friends, we're not. I have never even been to her house. Excluding today when I picked you up of course."

I knew I looked shocked when she said that. I had assumed that they weren't that close when I met them, but I hadn't expected Quinn to say that. And then I felt bad, because I had only known Santana for a little over a week and I didn't want Quinn to think I was stealing her _friend_. I wasn't stealing. "Are you sad because I was over there?"

She laughed, looked away, and then when she looked back at me she was still smiling. "No honey. Part of the reason I was never at her house was because I would never want to be there in a million years." She pinched her smile with her lips and then put her hand on my shoulder. "You need to be careful. You're the sweetest girl and I'm worried that Santana is going to walk all over you."

I scrunched up my face in defense. "No she won't." I didn't yell, but I spoke so she knew I was serious.

Quinn's shoulders dropped and she pulled her hand away. "I didn't mean it like that. I think. I'm just saying that I've known her since we were little and I have never been able to trust her. She doesn't tell me things, she doesn't ask for favors…again excluding this morning and you. Maybe I'm wrong. And I must be a little wrong about her if you're over at her house and staying the night, but Santana has never been someone I could trust."

Quinn was completely wrong about her. Santana was just hard to see for some people.

"I just don't want to see you get hurt. But, as I said, maybe I'm wrong."

I wasn't sure what to make of Quinn's worries. Of course Santana wouldn't be mean to me or walk all over me. And of course I could trust her. That wasn't even a question. But it was nice for Quinn to look out for me, and I guess she had reason to not trust Santana seeing as how Santana slept with Puck.

"I won't get hurt. I promise." I smiled to reassure her.

And then Santana's car pulled into the parking lot. I jumped up from sitting. My heart was racing so fast and I got so excited. I could feel myself smiling. I couldn't remember ever getting this excited. I didn't know whether to wait until she walked to me, or if I should walk to her. But I just decided to wait for her.

Quinn stood up next to me and linked her arm through mine. It made me smile more. She was so nice. I could see why Quinn and Santana didn't like each other and I think it was because they were so similar. Two of the same people can't stand on the same rock.

_She's here! She's here! She's here! _It was the only thing I could think and it made me so happy. I was still a little nervous to ask her about her dad and ask her about the kiss. Santana being here made my heart feel so huge. I couldn't ever remember anyone making feel like this.

Everything felt okay.

Actually, I wouldn't ask about that stuff right now. I would wait. That stuff was for private conversation only.

Santana saw me when she got out of her car. I waved at her, but kept still. I didn't want to jump up and down and start acting crazy. She waved back. And the closer she got, the bigger my smile got. But then when I saw she didn't have a smile, I felt my face drop.

"Hi." I greeted her when she stopped in front of me.

Santana looked from me to Quinn and when she looked at Quinn she gave her the dirtiest look. I hoped they weren't going to start punching each other.

I pointed down to the curb. "Sit with us." I tried to smile at her but I couldn't make myself. I kept thinking about what had happened at her house and that sinking feeling it had given me. It made me feel so uncertain and now that Quinn was here I couldn't ask her about it.

Santana didn't move. "Brittany I can't." She glanced from me to Quinn and then back to me. "…I need to change." She pulled her lips into her mouth. Her eyes started to read my face. I wasn't exactly sure what she was looking for, but that was okay, because I wanted to show her everything and she could look at me however and for whatever she wanted.

When Santana didn't say anything else Quinn spoke. "Let's get inside." Quinn started to walk with me and pull me toward the door.

I reached back for Santana's hand and grabbed it. Quinn pulled me through the front door, and I pulled Santana who kept trying to hide her smile.

When we got inside, Rachel and Tina were at a booth folding napkins. Mercedes was standing at the front podium. Her eyes drifted across all of us and then finally moved back to mine. She smiled, rolled her eyes, and then turned and walked to Rachel and Tina.

Santana let go of my hand. "I'm going to change."

And then she started to walk away. I wanted to follow her. Again. I have always wanted to follow her. But I didn't want to leave Quinn and I could wait for Santana to come back out. Everything was going to be okay. Santana had shown up and she didn't look hurt or like she had been crying. And even Quinn saying, _she always showed up, _helped.

"Goldilocks." Holly's voice boomed through the speakers. Everyone's eyes shot toward the stage. Holly was standing on it and holding the mic up to her mouth. She pointed at us. "Come rehearse your song."

She wasn't talking to me, because I didn't sing. Quinn unlinked her arm from mine. "You should come up with me and help?"

On the stage? "Uh," both of my eyebrows shot up, "I don't sing. And I don't know how to help."

"Nonsense." Quinn laughed.

"And I want to talk to Santana." I glanced over my shoulder and up to the swinging door behind the bar.

When I looked back Quinn wasn't rolling her eyes or giving me a dirty look. She looked like a mom was _supposed_ to look when they knew they had to let you make decisions for yourself, even if that decision might not be the right one. "Okay." Quinn shrugged and then left.

I spun and had to force myself not to sprint to Santana. I clenched all the muscles in my body and _walked _to the back. Will was at the bar and I waved _hi_ to him. He said something about being excited for tonight and it was going to be busy. I told him it was because all the older drunk men were going to pretend that underage high school cheerleaders were giving them drinks and _servicing _them.

He gave me a weird look. "Sure."

"Are you looking forward to tomorrow?" I asked and stopped myself at the door before I went into the back. "Even though it's not Valentine's Day."

"I am," he glanced over his shoulder at me. "_Silly Love Songs_ is our busiest night."

I didn't understand why. I hadn't worked one I guess, but everyone was supposed to get all gussied up for Valentine's Day, that wasn't even in this month, and then the night was about being single. Some of the girls were thinking about singing songs about heartbreak and others were going to just sing about real love. Which defeated the whole purpose, because if everyone was single then why would they come to listen to love songs. That would be depressing.

I was only excited because I was going to dress up like a nurse. Most of the other girls were going to dress up like Cupid, but I figured I would tell people I was just going to fix broken hearts.

"Cool." I smiled at him and then raced into the back.

I found my way to our break room and knocked on the door. "Santana it's me. Are you naked? Can I come in?"

There was some shuffling inside, but when she opened the door she was wearing the cheer uniform. "You look super hot." I blurted out. My favorite part was the pleated skirt. I reached down and fiddled with her skirt, before I leaned back and looked at her.

"I'm sorry." She peeked out of the break room to see if anyone was here, but it was just me. "That shouldn't have happened."

"Okay." I said, not because it was okay, but because I didn't really have anything else to say. She didn't need to apologize. "You don't have to apologize." What was she even apologizing for? I was the one who had kissed her. _Wait. _Is that what she meant when she said _that shouldn't have happened? _My heart started to drop.

"I hadn't expected my dad to come over. That's all." She spoke like she had prepared this.

"So you don't want him to see me?" I asked. "Was he mean to you?"

And now she looked like her prepared speech had blown out the window and her face was confused and flustered and unsure. "No. Yes. Wait, no. No I'm fine." She waved her hand to brush off the topic, but it just made me wonder even more what had happened. "My family likes you." She smiled. "Everything with my dad right now is just a little confusing."

I could feel that this conversation was uneasy. Not a bad uneasy. I just wasn't sure what she was going to say and I had so many questions. If she was okay with her dad, then why had she looked so scared? "Are you scared of your dad?"

"What?" She laughed. It was fake. It made my already sunk heart completely fall out. It felt like someone had sucked my entire body dry from its bones. I think that was Santana's way of making it sound like she wasn't scared of her dad, without having to lie to me. "Britt." She rolled her eyes. "I'm okay. I was just surprised that he had shown up."

"And you didn't want him to think we were kissing?" I whispered so softly. Her eyes bugged. "It's okay. Sometimes it's okay to hide things. Unless it's not okay and you didn't want me to do that, because if that's so then we can just forget about it. I didn't mean to confuse you. I should have asked." I could feel my lip starting to tremble again and I think that was because she wasn't interrupting me. She was just letting me talk. "I just wanted to do it. And yes, I know it's not normal for girls to do that, but I don't care. And if that's why you hid me from your dad then that's okay too. I understand."

She wasn't saying anything. Nothing. She was just staring at me. I didn't even think she was breathing.

I felt a tear slip down my cheek. _Crap. _Now I felt stupid. I was crying in front of her and I couldn't even figure out why. I slapped my hand to my face and wiped the tear away and then I crossed my arms across my chest and squeezed so tight because when before it felt like my thoughts were going to fall out of my head, it now felt like all my insides were going to fall out.

"I'm sorry." I wiped away another tear and started to turn away.

She reached for me and grabbed my elbow. When I looked back at her she still wasn't saying anything. I think she couldn't think of anything to say and that was probably because I just said way too much. "It's okay. I'll see you out there." I told her.

I tried to push what had just happened away, because it was silly. I shouldn't be crying over this. I didn't cry over things like this. I didn't even usually cry. And now in less than twenty-four hours she has seen my cry twice, and seen me cry three times in one week. I didn't want her to have to worry about figuring me out or figuring out what was wrong with me, because I didn't even make sense to myself.

I slipped my elbow out from her hand, turned, and walked away. I squeezed my eyes to get the rest of the tears out and then wiped them away. If I felt like this, then I couldn't even begin to imagine how to figure out how she felt. Not only did she have to worry about what all this stuff meant between us, but now she was going to be worried about how to deal with me.

I went to the bathroom before I went back outside. My makeup wasn't too bad. I hadn't been crying hard. Just enough to let a few tears sneak out. I waited until my eyes didn't look glossy and then I went back out to the bar. I was going to go up to the stage and _help _Quinn, but she was already sitting at the booth with the rest of the girls. Even Holly was folding napkins. No Santana though.

We sure fold a lot of napkins…

Maybe that was because the only one folding them was Rachel and everyone else was talking.

Holly saw me first. "There you are." She waved for me to sit down and join them. Everyone scooted around the booth and I scooted in to sit next to Quinn. "Look at you two." Holly smiled at me and Quinn. "A twin dream come true."

Quinn laughed.

I wanted to say something, but all I could do was smile. But I still felt like all my feelings had fallen out with Santana and now I was a robot.

The girls talked and I focused on folding. That was until Quinn bumped my shoulder and nodded toward Holly. I looked up and everyone was staring at me.

Quinn repeated something that I must have missed. "Holly asked about your earrings."

I looked wide-eyed at Holly, hoping she would at least repeat the question.

Holly repeated her question. "Who's the lucky man that gave you those? Cause they are super fine."

I glanced at Mercedes. Her eyebrows were lifted and it looked like a million things were running through her mind. I didn't want them to get the wrong idea or assume anything so I clarified.

"Santana let me borrow them." I smiled at the memory and mostly at how her little cousin kept snatching rings when Santana wasn't looking and putting them on his fingers. "So she wouldn't lose them."

"Does she know that you're prone to misplacing everything?" Rachel looked up. "Because I still need my camera back. And my sweater I let you borrow one night, which I'm still not even sure how you lost it since it was on your body."

I was kind of relieved that Rachel said that. Usually she said things that I didn't want her to, but even if she didn't mean to, it was nice of her to change the subject. I liked talking about Santana, but now the conversation was easy because I didn't have to explain myself and explain Santana. There didn't need to be an explanation for some stuff, even though everyone always seemed to think that there did. But some things are just the way they are.

"She probably lost your sweater because it was ugly." Quinn spoke. That made it even easier. Now I didn't even have to speak or think. I could just fold napkins. "She did you a favor. Trust me."

"Hey." Santana's voice interrupted the entire table. When I looked up she wasn't even looking at me. She was looking at Tina. She noticed the table staring and looked at everyone but me. She rolled her eyes. "Anyways, Tina. I need to have you run through a song with me."

I looked at Tina. She looked entirely thrown. But she didn't say no. She scooted out of the booth and followed Santana to the stage.

"Uh," Rachel turned back from watching the two walk to the stage. "Does Santana know that she's not scheduled to sing tonight?" She dropped her napkin. "Let me out," she ordered Mercedes. "Quickly."

Mercedes scooted out, not quickly though, and Rachel nearly ran up to the bar to talk to Will.

I sat with Holly, Mercedes, and Quinn and they talked while I kept folding napkins. It was so hard not to constantly look up at the stage and watch Santana. Her coming out here and not looking at me, made me even more confused. I knew I shouldn't have kissed her. I would just have to figure out a way to make things okay with us. Because the only thing I wanted from her was what she wanted and was willing to give me.

**xxxXXXxx**

The bar was super busy. We had so many customers. Rachel sang an awesome song and everyone clapped really loud for her. I stood on the bar and clapped and cheered for her, because the entire night she kept worrying about how her song would sound. And then Mercedes slapped the back of my legs and told me to get down before I fell or before some perv tried to look up my skirt.

I was doing okay since we were so busy. I had to concentrate on making drinks. It was kind of hard to worry about Santana and try to figure out what had happened and why I had kissed her, when people were constantly yelling at me to get them beer and mixed drinks. It also helped that Santana was working the other side. I was next to Tina and Rachel.

I would still look over at her just to make sure she was still here. Even though I didn't know what to do or say right now I wanted to make sure she was okay. I still felt so guilty for crying in front of her like that. I shouldn't have done that. I had made something that should have been all about her, about me. I should have just asked her about her dad and then asked her if the kiss was okay instead of freaking out and babbling like an idiot.

Rachel told me that Will said Santana wasn't singing till tomorrow night. That was why she was rehearsing. That bummed me out a little. No matter how confused I was, I would give anything to hear her sing again. And that way I would have an excuse to stare at her and not have to steal short glances in between orders.

Now the bar was starting to get into a rhythm. I could actually breathe and think about stuff that wasn't alcohol. I glanced over my shoulder. Santana was gone.

I walked up to Rachel, she was pouring a beer off the tap. "Where's Santana?"

She didn't look at me when she answered. "Not sure. Maybe she left." Rachel took the beer and handed it to a guy.

I walked up to her. "Left for home?" But I didn't have a car. Or a phone. She wouldn't have left me. I knew that. There was no way. "I don't think she left."

Rachel shrugged and started to take another order from a customer. She didn't say anything until she was digging under the bar for alcohol. "Santana used to leave early all the time. I don't know why Will let her get away with it. But whatever. It's easier to have her gone than have her here _watching _us clean at the end of the night."

Maybe Tina would know where she went. I turned back around to look for Tina. She was gone too.

Then Santana's voice spoke through the speakers. "Hey everyone."

"Oh my God." Rachel started to freak out. "What does she think she's doing?"

Everyone in the bar was cheering though. They were clapping and screaming and trying to find a good spot to watch her. I couldn't see her though. I could just barely see the top of the stage. I knew I would be able to see if I stood on the bar, but I didn't want Mercedes to slap me again and I definitely didn't want people looking up my skirt.

So I climbed on the bar and sat on it. I could see her. And see Tina. Santana was sitting on a stool and Tina was sitting at the piano.

"So," Santana smiled. Her smile was so nervous. She looked uneasy and her voice was shaking a little. She didn't sound anything like she had sounded last time before she had sung that Lady Gaga song. "I wasn't planning on singing this until tomorrow night, but I'm impatient...And well, I wanted to say…sing, this now."

Everyone was still cheering for her and it just made her even more nervous. She sat on her hands and shifted a little. Then I sat on my hands, because I didn't want to jump up and run to the stage and make her confused or even more nervous. I just wanted to watch.

I could hear Rachel grumbling behind me. "This is not right. She lied to Will and she lied to me."

I whipped around to look at Rachel and shushed her.

"Okay. This is _The Scientist, _by _Coldplay._" Santana whispered into the mic. She looked even cuter now that she was in the spotlight and nervous and wearing a cheerleading uniform. Santana turned to Tina and nodded her head.

The piano started. It was a slow song. The bar went silent other than a few softened whispers, but everyone was watching her. Oh God. That made me nervous for her. Never will I ever let that many people watch me. She was super brave.

"_Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry. You don't know how lovely you are. I had to find you, tell you I need you. Tell you I set you apart."_

She sounded so pretty. It made all my feelings for her get so big. She was so perfect. Everything about her was perfect.

"_Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions…" _

As soon as she sang those words I knew why she was singing this song. I felt tears hitting the back of my eyes and they weren't sad tears or frustrated tears. They felt like tears that reminded me of rainbows, because rainbows only come out after bad weather. How did she possibly think she wasn't good with words when she was up there singing this?

I was sure nobody else understood why. They didn't need to, because this was for me and for her. I didn't know a lot of things, but I knew that.

What made it even better was that she was saying sorry for something she didn't need to say sorry for. Right then I swore I would never ever ever ever let anything happen between us. I had always thought people pretended to like each other this much. I was wrong. This wasn't pretend. This was the best I had ever felt. There wasn't really a way to explain it either. I just felt like I was needed and that I meant something to someone. And here I had thought that I was one of those people that kind of fit in everywhere, but didn't fit in perfectly with just one person.

"_Questions of science, science and progress… Don't speak as loud as my heart…"_

I was frozen. I watched her sing and was in awe at how nervous she looked. Her hand shook when she reached out to grab the microphone stand. But her voice sounded perfect. It always sounded perfect even when she was talking.

I couldn't move until the song was over and until Quinn tapped me on the shoulder and got my attention. I hopped off the bar and walked back. I couldn't stop smiling the rest of the night.

Santana didn't come back with Tina to help us, but that was okay.

The bar stayed busy for another hour or so and then at three we closed. Rachel kept going on and on about Santana singing out of turn, but Mercedes told her to shut up. Even Quinn said something to her.

I didn't say much of anything. I felt so good. I didn't care about my confusion anymore. So what if I shouldn't have kissed her. That was all petty stuff compared to what I knew now. And for that matter, I wasn't sure exactly what I knew, just that I was happy and excited.

All the girls left except for Will. He was going over receipts and reports for the night at an empty table near the stage. I had stayed and sat on a stool near the bar and waited. I told everyone that I didn't need a ride and that someone was already giving me a ride and they hugged me bye and said they were looking forward to tomorrow.

I just needed to wait for her. I didn't even check to see if her car was still outside. I knew it was.

I must have been sitting there and watching Will for at least twenty minutes. And then the door behind the bar opened and I looked to see Santana walk out. She was still wearing the cheerleading uniform.

I slid off the stool, clasped my hands, and waited until she reached me.

When she did, I hugged her. She hadn't expected it, because I was able to hug around her arms and pinch them to her body. I hugged her so tight and for so long. "You're so nice." I said when I pulled back.

She was smiling. "I was hoping that you'd say that." She laughed and put her hand on my back. We started to walk toward the front door.

She kept her hand on my back until we reached her car and then I climbed in the passenger side. I watched her turn her car on and buckle her seat belt and then I watched her just sit there for a while.

She turned in her seat to face me. I thought she was going to say something. It looked like she was. She kept starting to say stuff and then stopped.

I was smiling the whole time.

And then she did something that I never thought would happen. She reached up with both of her hands, cupped my cheeks and pulled me toward her.

My tummy did so many backflips when she kissed me. Her lips swallowed my bottom lip and held it. And her fingers slid from my cheeks and ran behind my neck. And then her tongue slipped out and tickled my bottom lip.

"Oh God." I whispered and had to shove my hands in between my knees and pinch them. It was the only thing I could think to do to keep my tummy under control.

She smiled and changed the kiss. I slowly moved with her and I followed her lips with mine. She was so soft. Her lips felt so good. This was the best kiss ever. I didn't know whether it was because I kept getting sharp knots in my tummy, or whether it was because I liked her so much, or if it was because she was just a good kisser.

Her tongue pushed into my mouth and slid across mine. It was warm and smooth. I couldn't stop the moan that filled my throat and slipped out into her mouth. It shook my lips and made me have to stop kissing so I could remember how to breathe.

My eyes were still closed. My chest was heaving.

She spoke into my lips, "Was that bad?" She whispered and repeated my question from earlier. Her thumbs grazed the back of my jaw and below my ears.

I was about to kiss her again, but she slipped her hands back to herself and leaned away. I opened my eyes. Her lips were so red and so swollen. And her eyes were glued to my lips.

"That was awesome." It was hard to talk since I was still thinking about kissing.

She laughed a little and then reached over me and pulled my seat belt out. I took it from her and buckled.

"Let's get some sleep."

She backed up her car and we drove to her house. My tummy was still turning and all I wanted to do was kiss her some more. I couldn't believe she kissed me like that. It was better than awesome. So I told her that. I told her she was the best kisser and that I loved the song she had sung. I couldn't stop bragging about her, even though I was talking to her. I just had to tell someone how I felt and she was right here.

But she talked with me. And she blushed, and she smiled a lot. I was so glad I was patient with her because people didn't do this kind of stuff for other people. They didn't sing them beautiful songs and give them beautiful kisses and treat them like she was treating me. If I didn't know any better I would think my eyes were closed and I was dreaming, crying, and kissing her all at the same time. But we were just sitting in her car and I was just smiling.


	12. The Honeycomb

**a/n : this chapter makes me nervous for many many reasons. It was an easy chapter to write, but at the same time it wasn't. I've been kind of waiting to post this until the last second, and finally I just decided to let you read it. Let me know what you think?  
><strong>**And thank you Stephanie.**

**Chapter 12 : The Honeycomb**

When we got to her house it was already past four in the morning. Nobody was up, but her mom had left the porch light on for us and a note on the counter that said there were leftovers in the fridge. Santana ate the new leftovers. It was something I couldn't even pronounce, but I made her say the name of it at least ten times, because I liked the way her mouth moved when she spoke Spanish. I ate the rest of the tamales and drank two huge cups of water because they had a water purifier attached to their faucet and I was convinced it made the water taste better. But then I had to get up to pee in the middle of eating, so I stopped drinking the water so quickly.

We were sitting at the table in the dining room. Not talking, just eating. I was trying to eat as quick as possible, but I eat super slow. It was because I am afraid of choking. And I was just normally slow with certain things in the first place. So Santana was just waiting for me to finish. She had rested her ear against the table and I could feel her eyes on me.

Normally if someone was watching me eat it would have made me feel kind of like I needed to cover my mouth. But I didn't think she cared that I was eating the tamales as fast as I could and chomped them like I would imagine a brontosaurus bit off and chewed the tops of palm trees. Plus I liked it when she looked at me. It made me feel like she saw all the bad parts of me, but saw them like they were perfect. And she made me feel like I was standing on the tallest mountain when before I had been barely able to stand on water and I didn't even know it. I would never want to go back to not knowing her and not knowing what it felt like to be around her.

I wanted her to see me destroy this tamale. I wanted to show her everything, because every time I showed her something, she showed me more of her.

This feeling was new. It wasn't a desperate feeling, or a needing feeling, or anything like that. It was a perfect feeling and I was definitely going to write about her in my diary. A lot.

"Do you want anything else?" Santana asked. She didn't lift up her head. She just kept her eyes on me and her ear pressed to the table.

I covered my mouth and responded. "I'm okay." I smiled with the corner of my lips, because I didn't want tamale shooting out everywhere.

Santana smiled back and even though her body looked so tired and worn out, her smile was anything but worn out. It was a little uneven and lazy, but I think that was because people gave imperfect smiles when they didn't have anything to hide and were really _smiling_. Or maybe her smile was uneven because her cheek was smashed against the table.

She lifted her head, grabbed my water cup, took it to the kitchen, and came back with a full glass. As she walked back she took a sip of it and set the cup in front of me.

I swallowed the food in my mouth and then took a big gulp of the water. "Are you sure I can stay the night again?"

I had only meant that I didn't want to intrude on her family and make them feed me two nights in a row, but she seemed to have thought I was talking about her dad. "My dad is back at his house," she said.

I nodded, since I had another mouthful of water.

"He's not really that bad." Santana folded her hands on the table.

"He seemed scary." I said and took another bite of the tamale.

Santana shrugged and nodded. "Sometimes. I love him though. And I miss him."

Something didn't quite add up, but I was positive it was just because I had missed something important. But I didn't want to push the issue. I didn't want to make her tell me something if she wasn't ready and willing to tell me. I was guessing that whatever it was that made her scared of her dad was something very personal and something that would come out eventually if she wanted it to. I knew she wasn't lying when she said she loved him. But I also knew that a daughter should never be terrified of their father. Maybe she would let me meet him someday. I'll put it on my bucket list.

"Does he not live nearby?" I asked.

"No. He moved out of town a few months ago." She sighed. "But enough of _this _talk." She perked up and slapped my knee. "Let's get ready for bed, because I'm bouts to pass out."

I stuffed the rest of the food in my mouth and she took my plate to the sink before I was able to. And then she grabbed the water and I followed her through the kitchen, through the living room, and then up the stairs. I made sure I chewed and swallowed the tamale before I got out of the kitchen, because I didn't want it somehow getting out of my mouth and getting on their nice stuff, especially if Santana was going to chase me up the stairs again.

She didn't chase me and we just walked up them. But I think we walked because she had a cup of water in her hands and because it was super late and everyone was sleeping.

I followed her into the bathroom and she shut the door behind us. There were cool light bulbs around the mirror that she had turned on so the bathroom looked kind of orange. It made me feel like we were Marilyn Monroe and getting ready to put lipstick on and go be famous. This was still the coolest bathroom ever. Maybe if the bathroom at my house had cool lights around the mirror then it would look more fancy.

She handed me the toothbrush she had let me keep here and then put toothpaste on it for me. I watched her in the mirror as I brushed my teeth. We looked super cute together with our cheer outfits. I bet if we had gone to school together she would have been my best friend and would have punched people when they joked about me being one Fruit Loop short of a bowl or that I forgot to pay the bill for the lights in my brain. Nobody was intentionally mean to me, but sometimes the jokes got a little old.

My tummy started to knot. I couldn't believe I didn't think about it until now. Santana and me were going to be in the same bed again. What if she let me kiss her? Or even better, what if she just kissed me like she had kissed me in the car? And what if she put her tongue in my mouth again? Was it going to go further than kissing? I didn't even really know what two girls did together. I guess I could try to touch her like I had touched myself. But what if I did it wrong and what if she didn't like it?

I leaned into the sink and spit my toothpaste out. "Are we going to do stuff?" I wiped the toothpaste off my mouth with the back of my hand.

She looked at me in the mirror and scrunched her forehead. I didn't think she knew what I meant.

"In your bed. Are we going to kiss again? Or do other stuff?"

She choked on her toothpaste and spit it into the sink. I watched her cough and spit for a few minutes. So I rubbed her back and made small circles with my hand. She turned the water on and started to rinse out her mouth.

"I didn't mean to make you choke." I said and scratched my nails against her cheer top. "I just wanted to know, because I don't know how to do stuff with a girl and I think cause we kissed we might kiss again."

She laughed. That was a relief. I was beginning to worry that maybe I had confused myself somehow. But I knew what that kiss meant and I knew how it felt, and I sure as hell knew that _friends _didn't kiss with tongue. Because I had kissed Sam once when he was passed out and drunk. I wanted to leave lipstick marks on his cheeks so he would think he made out with some girl. When I eventually told him the next day that it was me, he was kind of mad.

Santana stood up and used a towel from the towel rack. She studied me while she dried her face and then she set the towel on the sink. "Do you want to?" The way she asked the question wasn't hesitant or sexy. It was a real question that I think she wanted a real and honest answer to.

"Kind of. Yes. If you want to." I looked around at the bathroom and at anything but her, because I was starting to get a little nervous and anxious and I knew if I looked at her my face would turn even redder and brighter than a Christmas tree. I knew something was going to happen with us, tonight. I wasn't sure what, and that thought made my heart start to slam against my chest and made my hands shake with anticipation. So I grabbed the pleats on my skirt and squeezed them.

"God, you are adorable." She laughed and I made brief eye contact with her. Her smile was so big and so beautiful. It made dimples sink into her cheeks and it made her eyes so bright. She walked over to me and with each step she took my heart pounded in sync with it. But she just patted the counter with her hand. "Sit up here."

I didn't know why she wanted me on the counter, but I listened to her and scooted my butt on it. I was sitting on my hands, just like she had been sitting on her hands when she sang that Coldplay song, and just like I had been sitting on my hands when I watched her sing it. And I crossed my ankles because it gave me something to do other than think about how nervous I was. But I think she was just going to talk, because we weren't even in her bed and we weren't naked. And people always asked you to sit down before they explained things.

She was probably going to explain what girls did together or explain that we weren't ready for a step _that _big.

"Spread your legs." She put her fingertips on my knee.

I knew my eyes shot open. But my legs shot open even quicker. It made her laugh again. "It's okay Britt." She stepped in between my legs and rested her palms on my thighs. "I'll go slow. I promise. And if you want me to slow down or stop just say so. You can use your safety words."

I smiled and said, "I'm gonna pee," at the same time she said it.

"But you won't need a safety word, because I'll be gentle." She glanced down to look between my spread legs. It made my tummy turn and twist and almost pop. I squirmed on the counter. The anticipation was almost too much to handle. I wondered if she just kept saying stuff like that, instead of touching me, what would happen. "And you won't want me to stop anyways..." She looked up at me and I had to hold my breath to force down the tightness between my legs. Her eyes were thick and dark and dear God it felt like she could see right through my clothes and that made downstairs clench like it was on fire.

Her hands started to move up and down my thighs. She was leaving a trail of goose bumps that was making my thighs tingle and prickle. Up to my hip, under my skirt, and then down to my knees.

"Do you know what you're doing?" I asked and my words came out shaky and gruff sounding. It surprised me because even I thought I sounded sexy.

"I did some research." She whispered and then she stopped her hands at my hips and looped her fingers around me spankies. "I'm going to take these off."

I nodded my head so quickly and even used my hands to push myself up off the counter so she could pull them down. "I still have underwear on." I told her.

She slipped the red spankies past my knees, past my ankles and then dropped them to the floor. "Mmhmm." She hummed and stood back up and her voice shook a little. She cleared her throat. "Wrap your legs around me."

I scooted forward, wrapped my legs around her waist and locked my ankles behind her. Having her this close and in between my legs was making my eagerness shoot through the roof. I was getting sticky between my legs and the thought of her touching me _there_ just made me even more sticky. It made my heart thunder and made me feel torn between worried that I would do something wrong, and excited because I knew this was going to feel so good.

This wasn't how it happened in movies or Cosmo magazines. There was supposed to be chocolate or whipped cream and love songs and a nice comfy bed. But I didn't want that. That was the stuff that I had always thought was for pretend. This was so much better and I liked it this way. Because in the magazines and in the movies they didn't talk about the feeling a girl gets between her legs and how her heart pounds crazy and out of control and how she wants to go slow to make it last forever and fast because she wants to make it happen now. And they also don't usually talk about two girls.

Santana put her hands on my thighs again and stood on her tippy toes.

She kissed me.

This time she didn't have to pull my face towards her, because I was already pushing into her.

At first it tasted like toothpaste, but then it tasted like her lip glossand it was kind of sweet.

I used my tongue first. I pushed it through her lips and rubbed it over her tongue. It was hot and wet and felt like velvet. And I hugged my legs tighter around her so I could kiss deeper. I had never kissed someone like this. I had made out with guys before, but this kiss felt like we needed candles and white sheets to lie on. It also made me believe we needed each other. She pushed her tongue into my mouth and I took backwards breath. It was so gradual. Each second felt like forever and I was getting so hot. When I tried to kiss her she pushed my tongue back in my mouth again and I liked that she was so in control.

This felt so real and so good and I wouldn't trade it for anything. She squeezed my thighs with her hands and it made me inch closer to her. Her hands and nails were practically digging into my skin, but I liked it because it felt like she needed me and now I knew that I wasn't the only one who needed to desperately hold on to something to keep from floating away.

I was following her kiss still. We were moving slow. Not as slow as we had been kissing in her car, but it was slow enough to make me impatient and make me fidget and clench my downstairs. But her lips felt like liquid and I moved so perfectly against them that I didn't think I could ever stop kissing her.

When she took breaths they were wet and each time she went back to kissing me her kiss moved quicker.

She pushed her lips into mine, her breath rose, and it shuttered into my mouth. I swallowed her shaking lips just so I could feel them shake and I could slow her down even though I wanted her to go faster. It made my gripping legs loosen, because now she was making me weak and kissing was _everything_.

My lips felt wet and our kisses were popping and smacking and our breathing was loud. My breathing was especially loud, because she was still standing between my legs and I wanted something more to happen. "Can you touch me now?" I spoke into her lips and kissed her still. My words were quick and frantic and shaky.

She took a breath. "Yeah." She kept kissing me and just tightened her fingers and squeezed even harder against my thighs.

I wasn't sure if she knew what I had meant. "No, touch me in down _there_."

She slowed her kiss and stopped. And when I opened my eyes she looked almost lost. Her lips were puffy again and her eyes were glossed over and she was breathing just as heavy as I was. "Take off your top."

I was so quick. I unzipped it down the side and dropped it to the floor. Her eyes kept moving over my body. The way she was looking at me made me feel so good. It reminded me of that animal way she had been kissing my neck the night in my bed. It looked like she wanted to touch every inch of me and wasn't sure where to start.

"Lean back," she looked up at me, "on your hands."

So with my legs now just hanging off the ledge of the sink, I leaned back and rested on my hands. I tightened all the muscles I had below my waist, because I knew the instant she touched me it would send my nerves shooting through the roof and I didn't want to make a loud noise when she did whatever it was she was going to do.

With my chin tilted down, I watched her lean down and start putting light kisses on my tummy. Each time she kissed me it felt like my downstairs plucked and I had to squeeze tighter to keep my strings from snapping completely. Her lips kissed beside my bellybutton and then she moved up higher and kissed below my bra. Now the muscles in my stomach were quivering.

When I thought I was going to go crazy and when she was now kissing my collarbone, I felt her hand cup my downstairs and cup my underwear. She lightly squeezed. I hadn't even noticed she had moved her hand from my thigh because I was so focused on watching her lips tease around my bra.

My body jerked and jolted and a little grunt echoed from my lips and filled the bathroom. I tilted my head back and pinched my eyes shut and squeezed my muscles even tighter. I didn't want to be loud.

Her hand started to knead over my underwear and I could feel how slippery I was. My underwear was sticking to me and I knew it had to have soaked through and I knew she could feel _it_.

The way her hand was pushing against me and the way her lips were still kissing against my chest, was causing heavy grunts to get caught in my throat and turn into thick breaths.

How could I go from not being able to touch myself and get turned on, to _this? _She wasn't even doing a lot and this was the most turned on I had ever felt. I think it was just her. It had to be her.

Santana nipped at the skin on my shoulder and then pushed her fingers so hard against my underwear. It made me jerk again and I couldn't help the noise that squeaked out.

Before I could tell her I didn't mean to be loud, she slipped her hand inside my underwear and I swear I thought I was going to melt.

It was a weird feeling. And it was nothing like it had felt when I had touched myself. She wasn't moving yet, just holding her fingers against me. I know what it feels like to touch something wet, but having it the other way around is something else entirely. There wasn't even a specific feeling I could think of that reminded of what it was like to have Santana touch my wetness. It was naked and exposing and I couldn't think of anyone else other than her who I would want to touch me.

My body was shuddering now and it was because it felt like I was going to explode. My arms were shaking from holding me up, my stomach was quivering from breathing so hard, and the only reason my legs weren't shaking was because my knees had started pinching her hips so tightly and my heels were shoved against the cabinet door below me.

Her fingers were warm and it took me awhile to calm down my heavy breaths that sounded more like muted and broken, fast-paced, whimpers.

Santana must have noticed me trying to calm down, because she still wasn't moving yet. Her fingers were drowning in me and while I stared at the inside of my eyelids and had head my head craned back, I knew she was staring at me.

"You ready?" She asked. She was so soft and so caring. How did I find someone like her that cared this much?

I pinched my mouth and nodded yes. I was glad my eyes were still closed, because there was no way I could be quiet if I could both feel and see her touching me at the same time.

She waited for a second longer and then her fingers dipped into my wetness and slipped over me. I tried to imagine what it felt like for her, but I couldn't form any thought. My body just quivered with her movements. I was so hot between my legs and her fingers were so cool.

She was just rubbing me and searching, and that's when I remembered this was her first time with a girl too. But she sure knew how to make me feel good, even if her hand was fumbling a little and kept slipping too far when she tried to switch directions.

She got into a rhythm though and I had to scoot closer to her and pull her closer with my legs because the rhythm was making my downstairs tighten.

And when her fingers touched that spot she had showed me the other night, my body went stiff and I shot up to sit straight.

"Lean into me." She spoke soft and still.

So I did. I leaned down into her and rested my mouth on her shoulder and I gripped her shoulders so hard with my hands.

She started to make small circles on that spot. I knew I was squeezing her arms hard, but she didn't stop. Each circle felt like she was winding me tighter and tighter and I was starting to lose control of my breathing and everything else my body was doing and feeling.

I was whimpering again and my grunted whimpers came out with each new circle she made. But my mouth was pressed into her shoulder and I wasn't that loud.

She started to push harder and go quicker. I could feel that knot squeezing and it was going to pop. I could feel it coming. And it was way bigger than that night in my bed when I had touched myself. It felt so huge and I couldn't even compare this feeling to the feeling I got when I had touched myself with her.

I slipped my mouth away from her shoulder so I could take a deep breath. That breath shook and gasped. Then I tried to whisper to her, but instead my words had come out broken and grunted. "I-t's comi-ng."

After I said it, it came. My knot squeezed loose and my body went so high. I had no control over how I felt, but I didn't want control because it felt so good and nobody has control over things that feel that good. It shook my tummy and made my muscles clench and made my heart stop. It even made my breathing stop. Last time I had tried to hold my breath to make it last longer, but now my breath was holding itself and this feeling was way longer and way bigger.

When I was able to breathe, I pushed out a breath that had been caught in my chest. I fell into Santana even further and my weight kind of just rested against her. I could have held myself up if I had wanted to, but I didn't want to, because I wanted this feeling to last forever. So I let her wrap her arms around me and I buried my face further into her neck. I only smelled her, only felt her, only thought of her.

I wasn't even hugging her. My hands were just resting on my thighs. She hugged me and held me until I was able to breathe again and I was able to open my eyes.

It felt like butterflies were stuck in my stomach still. They were sensitive and they were looking for a way out and I think they kept running into my tummy.

I wrapped my arms around her waist.

"I can't believe that happened and I work." I mumbled. I've had guys touch me before and it felt nothing like that. Not even close. When guys had touched me it was rough and dry and I ended up just telling them they didn't need to and then I did stuff to them. But now my underwear was soaked. "I need new panties."

Santana laughed for a while. Her laugh was so adorable and now I wasn't sure whether I would rather watch her talk in Spanish, sing, or laugh. But I was pretty confident that I would definitely choose kissing as my number one favorite thing she could do with her mouth.

She squeezed her arms tight around me and pulled me forward so I would slide off the counter. When I did my legs felt like jelly. I had to flex them to keep them from giving out, but she hugged me while I did.

She stepped back from the hug. "You can take a shower?" She pointed to her shower.

I looked at it and then I glanced down at my body. I was in my bra and snowman panties. I couldn't see how wet they were from this angle, but I sure as hell could feel how wet they were. I wanted to shower. So I nodded yes and she went and turned the water on for me.

"I'll go grab you some clothes. Are you okay with just wearing shorts? I don't have any underwear that I haven't worn." She stepped toward the door and grabbed the handle.

"That's fine." I smiled at her.

She left and I took off my bra and my underwear and stepped into the shower after I made a little pile of my clothes. Even though she had just had her hand inside my panties and you couldn't really see anything unless you touched them, I still hid my underwear inside my folded cheer uniform. I didn't want them just lying out in the open.

Santana came back in the bathroom. I peeked out of the shower door and she was washing her face and had already changed into her pajamas. I wonder if her underwear had gotten as wet as mine. I was going to ask when I remembered that I probably should have offered to make it so her underwear got like that.

With my head still poking out of the shower door I spoke. "Do you want me to do that to you?"

She didn't answer right away. She shut the sink water off, dried her face, and then looked at me. "That's okay. I'm good. It's really late."

"But that's twice for me and none for you." I frowned.

"How about next time." She pursed her lips and looked back at the mirror and pulled out the hair band holding her ponytail up.

I grinned and pulled my head back in the shower. Next time it was. Next time I would do what she had done to me and make her feel better than I had felt even though I still couldn't believe that had happened. It felt like I had watched a movie of it happening and I wouldn't realize it was me in the movie until I woke up, or until a year from now.

She told me that pajamas were on the sink for me and then said she would be in her room. I finished my shower as quick as I could, practically leapt out of it, and then slipped on the shorts she had lain out for me and the t-shirt. I towel dried my hair and didn't even bother brushing it, because I didn't know where the brush was and I would rather lay in bed with Santana than look for a dumb brush.

I folded the towels on the sink, made sure I wiped up all the water I had dripped on the floor, and then I grabbed my dirty clothes and quietly snuck through the hallway and into her room. Her lamp was on. She was lying on her stomach across her bed and playing with her phone. When she saw me she held her phone out. "Do you know your sister's phone number?"

"I think so." I recalled the number and ran through it a few times in my head. "Yes."

She pushed herself up and sat cross-legged. "Well come here." She patted the mattress in front of her.

I dropped my clothes into a pile by her closet and then bound across her room as quickly and quietly as I possibly could. I jumped on her bed and landed on my knees in front of her.

"What's her number?" Santana was staring at her phone.

As I said Hailey's number slowly she typed it into her phone. When I finished, she held it towards me. "You text her," she patted my shoulder. "And turn around. I'll braid your hair."

I took the phone from her and then turned around to face away from her. She started to run her fingers through my hair and I could feel the water drip and start to soak through my shirt.

"Should I just tell her that I'm here?" I asked. "Because I usually don't tell Hailey when my mom and I get into fights."

Santana was still brushing her fingers through my hair. "This has happened before?"

"Not exactly like this. But yeah. This is the first time I got kicked out." I responded.

"Do you want to tell your sister about what happened?" Santana asked as she started to weave my hair into a braid.

I shrugged. "It's not that big of a deal. And it doesn't involve her. I don't want her to worry."

Santana tied a ponytail holder around the end of the braid. "I think your sister would be worried if you were gone and she didn't know where you went."

I started to text Hailey. _Its Brittany. I dont have my phone but im with my friend Santana _

"Is this good?" I turned around to face Santana. It felt weird asking for advice about what I should say to my sister. And even though I was the closest with Hailey out of any of my family, it's not like we were _best friends_. We didn't hang out a lot and the only time I saw her was at home and I was rarely home. I was usually at parties or at work. We hung out a lot when we were little though. And I loved her so much. I just sometimes didn't know what was okay to say to her, because she was so close to my mom and she was nothing like me.

In fact, Hailey was the exact opposite of me. She got super good grades. She didn't go out to parties, she had never had a boyfriend, and there were so many other things. So when we talked it was just usually about things we had in common, because I wasn't sure what was okay to tell her and what wasn't. I didn't want her to think certain things were okay and I wasn't sure what she would repeat to my mom on accident, because I knew Hailey would never intentionally get me in trouble.

"That should be fine." Santana pushed the send button. "Did you want to stop by there tomorrow before work and maybe grab clothes?" She looked at me. "I'll go. And it's Saturday so your dad should be there right? Or does he work?"

"He'll be home. Maybe he'll have my bike fixed." I responded and smiled. He's been working on it for a while and it would be so cool if he had it running. Then I could show it to Santana.

"Okay. So let's go over and check to see if your bike is working when we wake up. And you can get some clothes if you want to still stay over here. Or maybe your dad will want you to stay home."

I nodded yes and then my eyes zoomed over her entire face. Even without makeup she was the prettiest girl in the world. She looked tired though.

I scooted up her bed and pulled down her blankets for us. "My dad doesn't care." I giggled at the thought of him _questioning _me. "He lets me do what I want and doesn't ask me millions of questions." I pulled the blankets on Santana's side down and she got up and shut the lamp off. "You should lay on me tonight." I said when she had lain back down and looked like she was waiting for me to crawl to her.

I laid down grabbed a fistful of her shirt and held it until she scooted over to me and laid her head on my chest. As much as tonight meant to me and as much as she had given me, I still wanted her to know that I cared about her and that I would help her and give her anything.

When she stopped scooting and moving I rested my hand on her hip and pulled the blankets up to cover her body.

I wanted her to talk. She hadn't said much about her dad and it felt like she needed to say something. She was so nice with me and so thoughtful and I needed to show her that she mattered too. So I started with a story about my dad. I figured that would encourage her.

"One time my dad left us."

After I said it the room felt so quiet. So many emotions hit me at once. I had been thinking about getting her to be okay, but I had said those words before I realized how they made me feel. It was weird. I had felt so good seconds ago, and now I didn't. That memory brought back that feeling of being alone and forgotten about and abandoned. It hurt thinking he would rather be alone than at home.

I knew I was crying again, but I made sure the tears were silent. And I didn't continue the story until I knew I could speak without my voice cracking.

"My mom didn't tell us at first." So many tears were in my eyes that it felt like they were going to drown me. I was glad it was dark and I was glad she was resting on me so I didn't get tears all over her shirt. "I came home and Hailey was in her room doing homework and I went in there and watched a show with her." I paused again, because I was afraid of making a noise. "I came out and made us cereal and brought the food to her room and I thought it was weird that my mom didn't warn me not to spill milk everywhere or tell me not to forget to bring the bowls back out. She just sat by the wood stove and smoked and watched a blank TV." I could tell I was talking fast, but the only way to keep myself from crying was if I said everything in one breath.

I felt Santana shift and I knew she was trying to look up at me. So I slammed my eyes shut.

I couldn't believe how quiet the room was.

"Britt, it's okay to cry." She started to rub her hand up and down my side.

"But I always cry in front of you. And I don't usually cry and I swear I'm not this sad." I said this really quick again before I could start crying.

"I know. It's okay. I like how you are. You can cry as much as you want and whenever you want around me."

I was already crying though. Tears were falling down into my ears and slipping down my neck. I was still quiet though. But I couldn't believe how many tears were coming out. "I just wanted you to be okay." A sob cracked through. I held it back. "I wanted you to know it was okay to talk about your dad." Another sob cracked through my chest. I took a deep breath. "And I didn't want to cry again. I don't want to cry now." I gulped and tears coughed in my throat. "I'm terrified that he's going to leave again." I wasn't sure if that feeling was worse than the feeling I got when I found out he had left before.

I didn't talk with my dad about that stuff. I didn't know what he was thinking, why he left. My mom didn't tell us why.

Santana kept rubbing my side. I didn't know if she didn't say anything, because she didn't know what to say or because she knew that she didn't need to say anything. But I didn't want to talk about it, because it hurt to talk about _that_. I had never told anyone about my dad leaving once and I didn't think it hurt that much and worried me that much, until now.

What if he left again? And then he didn't come back? My mom needs him.

I covered my face with my palms and it was soaked with tears. They squeezed through my fingers. I think that made me start to cry even harder. And the more I tried to stop crying, the harder I cried. I tried as hard as I could to keep quiet, but that was starting to make my chest hurt.

"Come here." Santana got off of me and sat up. She held my wrist until I moved my hands away from my face and scooted toward her. I rested my head into her folded legs and buried myself in her lap. She used one hand to rub my back and the other to trace through my hair.

"I, 'm s-srry" I tried to apologize, but I couldn't. I just stuffed my face further into her thighs.

"Britt, don't apologize." She tried to hush me and kept running her fingers through my hair and her hand over my back.

Her room was quiet, black, and even though I was crying I knew it sounded so distant and almost unrecognizable.

It didn't hurt my chest as much to cry now, because I wasn't holding it back. I hugged her legs, I pushed myself as far as I could into her, curled my knees to touch my tummy, and I sobbed into her lap.

She started to hum something. I wasn't sure what it was at first. It sounded familiar, but the only thing I could do right now was cry and try to stop remembering about that feeling I got when my dad had walked away and had given up, even if he had given up for only a second.

"Come up to meet you," Santana whispered, "tell you I'm sorry. You don't know how lovely you are."

She was whispering and softly singing that song that she had sung at the bar. It made me cry harder.

"Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions. Oh, let's go back to the start." I heard her voice crack a little. She stopped singing for a second. Even over my sobs I heard her breaths were uneven.

I didn't know why this had happened or why that stupid story made this happen. I hadn't even cried about this before. And I knew it had something to do with Santana. Maybe she made me see and feel things that I never thought I could.

Santana started up again. "Running in circles, coming up tails…" She was rubbing harder into my back.

I moved one of my hands and grabbed her shorts. And now more than ever I felt like I couldn't let go. And I didn't feel bad for her having to see my cry anymore, because she was holding me and singing to me. That's not something that ever needs an apology.

"Heads on a science apart." She wasn't really singing anymore. Just saying the words.

My tears were running out. And now my body was just shaking because it wasn't used to crying and I didn't think it knew that I was almost out of tears.

"Nobody said it was easy…" She continued to talk the song.

I slowly stopped crying, and I could feel my eyes that had just been full of tears start burning and begging me to fall asleep. So as my tears slowed down, so did I. And I cried myself to sleep.

**xxXXXXX**

**There are three kinds of givers - the flint, the sponge and the honeycomb. To get anything out of a flint you must hammer it. And then you get only chips and sparks. To get water out of a sponge you must squeeze it, and the more you use pressure, the more you will get. But the honeycomb just overflows with its own sweetness. **


	13. Something Else About A Honeycomb

**a/n: Okay, so here's 13. I did a lot of tinkering with this one and I think it should be up to par (thanks to my beta :) ) But this chapter reveals quite a bit. Not going to say about what, you'll have to read to find out. And then leave a review and let me know what you thought, because I've said it before, but I read your reviews more than once. **

**Chapter 13 : Something Else About A Honeycomb**

I think I had woken up because my neck was cramping. It was like pins and needles. I definitely wasn't sleeping the way a normal person should sleep in a bed. My face was still smashed into Santana's lap and one of my legs was bent up to my chest. It was exactly how I had fallen asleep, except now it was hours later, the sun was up, and Santana was asleep. One of her hands was resting limp against my side and the other looked like it had been holding my hand at one point and now it was just resting open inches from my own.

I sat up and was careful not to wake her. Her bed was a lot less creaky than mine, so it was easier than I thought it would have been.

Santana's legs were crossed and she was lying sideways on the blankets. The way her body was twisted looked like the most uncomfortable position. She could have scooted away when I had fallen asleep. I probably wouldn't have even noticed.

The sun was starting to hurt my eyes. The curtains were open and the light was so harsh. It made the back of my eyes sting and throb. I inched off the bed little by little so I didn't wake her, walked to the curtains and shut them. The room now looked so much softer and darker. Maybe the sun woke me up. Probably not. I don't have curtains on the windows in my room and the sun has never bothered me before.

My eyes were so sore and they still were stinging. And my chest hurt. Goodness, I couldn't believe I cried like that over something I had never cried about even once. I pushed my palms to my eyes and tried to rub away some of the dryness. This was crazy and wonderful and so unbelievable.

Crazy because even though crying feels good sometimes, I didn't want to feel that again anytime soon. Ever again. Crying like that was painful and I didn't know how to make it stop.

I could only remember twice when I had cried that hard and couldn't stop. Both of them happened around Santana. I knew she was different and special, but I didn't understand how she could do the things she did to me. She made me the happiest person in the world. She made me giddy and excited and she was so sweet. And now that I was thinking about it, she was making me see things or feel things I didn't know I had feelings for. She made me feel smart.

Santana was unbelievable. But the best part was that she was real and that she was asleep just a few feet away from me, even if she looked like a twisty pretzel. If I wanted I could crawl back on the bed and curl right back on her lap.

I walked over to her bed, sat on the edge of it, and put my hand on her stomach. "Santana." I whispered. I started to pinch her shirt in between my fingers.

"Hm?" She muttered something else that I couldn't understand, but didn't open her eyes.

"Santana." I repeated her name and scooted closer to her so now that both of my feet were on the bed and tucked under me. "You should lay the right way. One time Lord Tubbington fell asleep at the top of my bed and he got caught in the crack between the bed and the wall. And it was super hard to get him out. I had to use snow gloves cause I think he thought I was trying to push him farther down."

The corners of her lips curved upward, but she didn't move. Her face stayed smashed into a ball of blankets she was using as a pillow and her body was still twisted all funky.

"Santana you're going to get carpal tunnel in your spine." I said and patted her side now. _Pat, pat, pat, pat._

"Fine." She smiled even bigger and finally opened her eyes. She sat up like I would imagine a hibernating grizzly would wake up. Her eyes were glossy and sleepy and her movements were lazy and slow. She groaned and winced and even let out the hugest yawn. "Ow." She said after her yawn and began to rub her back.

"Sorry." I knew she had fallen asleep like that because of me. She was just too nice to wake me up and make me move.

She rolled her eyes, playfully, just like she rolled her eyes when Marcus had kept asking me to pour him milk when I had had dinner with her family a few nights ago. "You're forgiven." And then she finally looked up at me and her smile melted and her whole body language changed. Her lip pouted out, but not in a teasing or mocking or babying way. She reached her hand up and cupped my cheek. Her eyebrows creased and her eyes narrowed.

"What?" I tried to widen my eyes, but it was hard to do anything other than feel them burn. "Do I have creases on my face from sleeping? Santana leg creases? Or drool?"

She shook her head no. "Your eyes." Her thumb crazed just below my eye.

"Oh." I reached up, grabbed her wrist, and then pulled her hand into my lap. "Yeah, they're probably super red. They feel really dry."

I started to play with her hand. I was using my thumbs to press into her knuckles and was using the tips of my fingers to bend her fingers. She let me play with her hand for a little. It was warm and smaller than mine and super soft. And it was kind of relaxing. I liked touching people, but I especially liked touching her.

I glanced back up at her and her eyes were locked onto mine. The look she was giving me was making me way too curious. So I scooted back, set her hand on the bed and then walked to her mirror.

My eyes were so puffy and swollen. I looked like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. "Maybe I can convince Will to change the theme to Disney Night instead of the Valentine's Day thing we're doing." I pushed the pad of my fingertip against my swollen skin. "I think this is what happens when I drink too much purified water. It comes out of my eyeballs. Monks must cry all the time." I was trying to make the situation comfortable and I was good at making jokes when things felt uncomfortable. _Wait_. But I didn't feel uncomfortable, and this wasn't awkward. I paused, and tried to figure out what the heck I was doing and why I was making jokes. I must have just said it out of habit.

When I tried to find Santana in the mirror, she was sitting on the bed and watching me. Her lips were pinched and her eyes were like puppy eyes. "How are you?" She whispered. I think she asked the question softly because she didn't want to rush me or shove me back into those emotions.

"I'm okay." I shrugged one shoulder and spun around to face her.

She patted the bed next to her and gestured for me to sit down. I glanced once more at my eyes, and then walked over to her bed. It was kind of hard to pull myself away from the mirror. And when I did I kept glancing back at it, until I was at her bed. I crawled across the blankets and sat cross-legged, just like she was.

"I really didn't mean to cry." I didn't look her in the eyes. I was worried about what would happen, because if my sadness had sneak attacked me last time, it might do it again. Instead I grabbed her hand and started to play with it again. I took in a deep breath. I was trying to figure out how to explain myself, but the truth was I didn't know why that had happened. "I'm not sure why I cried. My dad is super nice. And he came back home."

She used her other hand and grabbed both of my fidgeting hands in hers. And she squeezed them so tightly, enough so I stopped fidgeting. "Your dad is nice. And he's amazing. But it's scary. It was scary when my dad left." I looked up and I think she jumped a little when we made eye contact. So I looked away, because sometimes it was easier to say stuff when someone wasn't looking. That was why the Pope hid in a box and you had to confess things to him through a wall. She started talking again after I had begun to run my thumbs over the tops of her fingers. "He left us a year ago, and each day leading up to the day he left, I kept trying to make things okay. I begged him to stay. But I knew he was leaving because he had already told me he was."

It took her a little longer to continue. I didn't push anything or ask anything or tell her it was okay. I didn't know if it was okay and I didn't know what had happened. I knew she was terrified of her dad and I knew that she had freaked out when he came back. But I didn't know why would she beg him to stay? I didn't know why she was scared of him. I didn't know why Marcus called him a bully. And I didn't know why she hid me from him.

"It was my fault that he left." Santana mumbled.

"What?" I jumped and squeezed her hands. I sure as heck knew that wasn't true. "No it wasn't. Don't think that." I ordered.

She laughed softly and smiled.

"I'm serious Santana. It's not funny." And I was dead serious. She better not think anything like that was even remotely her fault.

"Okay." She scooted back quickly and started to pull the blankets down for us, before I was able to read her and figure out if she said okay because she believed me or if she said okay, because she didn't want to believe me. "Let's get some sleep Britt. We have work at noon."

I didn't answer and just crawled under the blankets with her. I laid on my side, curled my knees up to my chest and watched her. She was lying on her back and staring at the ceiling. It didn't look like she was going to ever fall back asleep. Probably because her back hurt or because she was thinking about too much. "Does your back hurt?"

"Hm?" She let her head fall to the side and looked at me. "A little. It's fine. What are you doing all the way over there?"

I scooted over to her, but stopped before I laid my head on her chest. Instead I propped myself up on my elbow and looked down at her. "Want me to sing something so you can sleep?"

She giggled and shook her head _no. _"Remember that doesn't work."

"Want me to tell you another finger story?" I rested my hand on her stomach and then started to fiddle with her shirt again.

She smiled, closed her eyes, and then nuzzled her back into the mattress. "As dirty as that sounds, I like the story you already told me." She lifted her hand to her stomach and held out her pinkie.

I linked my own pinkie to hers. This was super cute. It was like a best friend secret handshake except we got to hold hands, sort of.

She kept her eyes closed and didn't say anything else, but I knew she wasn't sleeping. For starters she was squeezing my pinkie super tight. Also her breathing was normal. I just kept myself propped up and watched our hands. Now I was starting to run my thumb over her stomach and pinch her shirt between my fingers again. I was slow enough though so I didn't move our pinkies.

I wonder what she thought about what had happened…_in the bathroom_. My heart beat just one heavy thick beat. It made me edgy and made my breaths come out half instead of whole. The way she touched me had felt so good.

Why hadn't that happened before with a guy…? I thought some guys were cute.

Did she have the same reaction I did? Well obviously she didn't have the _same reaction _because I hadn't touched her, but I wondered if she liked it as much as I liked it. This was twice now that we had gone a little farther than friends usually went. Three times if you counted the kiss in her car.

I couldn't get that look she gave me out of my mind. The one where her eyes swallowed my entire body whole and it looked like she had to touch me or she would go wild. Not only did I not remember ever getting that turned on or having it feel that good with a guy, but I didn't remember a guy ever looking at me like that. But then again, I never looked up at him when I was doing whatever it was I was doing to him. But guys didn't touch me. Either because I made it so they didn't, or because they didn't want to. Probably both. And the few times a guy has touched me if felt weird and uncomfortable and felt like my downstairs was broken.

I drifted my eyes up her body and stopped them at her lips. I had meant to look up at her closed eyes, but her lips caught my attention. Why couldn't I grasp the fact that she had kissed me, and that she had had her lips all over my chest? Now I wished I would have taken my bra off when we were in the bathroom.

The thought made me squirm. I had to pinch my knees together. Dear God, I was getting turned on again and I was just thinking about it.

Next time we're in a situation like that, I will take my bra off. First thing. But when will it be next time, because I wanted it to be now. But I wasn't going to make her do that to me again. I wasn't even sure she would want to do it again, and I wasn't sure what it meant. It wasn't like friends dated. We weren't dating. We were girls. So did that mean we were friends with benefits.

_Wait. _Stop. Stop, stop, stop. I promised myself I would just ask her questions next time so I didn't confuse myself.

"Santana." I whispered her name. "Are you sleeping like Sleeping Beauty?"

"No." She whispered and her smile was back. "Unless you're going to kiss me to wake up. Then I'm sleeping."

I let out a little noise that was somewhere in between a laugh and a victorious _hm. _"Sleeping Beauty doesn't talk when she's sleeping." I played along.

"Then I'm not talking." She took in a breath and then stopped talking.

I was just about to lean over her and kiss her, but I stopped myself. I wanted to ask her questions before I forgot them and I knew I would forget everything the second I kissed her. Plus I wanted to know things before we went further and I wasn't sure if I was just going to give her a little peck or if I was going to swallow her lips and kiss her until she groaned.

"Can I please ask a question?" I started to drum my fingers on her tummy, not my pinkie though since it was hooked around hers.

She peeked one eye open and then the other. "Of course you can."

"Are we just friends?" I watched my fingers, because I knew she was trying to look straight through me and into my thoughts. I liked her looking at me, even if this question was making me blush and making it feel like my cheeks were on fire. It felt silly asking a girl this. Of course we were just friends. "I mean, we probably are. I just don't know what kind of friends. And we don't have to label anything, so don't worry about that. And you can just say we're friends, because we are friends. Well, I want to be friends. But I also want to kiss you and stuff, but people don't kiss their friends unless they're friends with benefits. But in movies friends with benefits always end up dating." I pinched my lips to stop talking, but that only lasted a second until more words burst out. "But if you don't want to do that stuff again we don't have to. And I don't even know if what we did is sex. Is it sex? Can girls have sex? Does this mean I'm not a virgin anymore? Or is there a different word for when girls do it?" My face was so hot and heat was licking behind my ears. I probably looked like a tomato. A shiny little tomato. But I was getting better at talking and this time I wasn't stuttering or taking awkward gulps. It was easy to talk to her and maybe that was a bad thing because it felt like I was never going to stop. "Or do we have to touch each other at the same time for it to be sex? Maybe this means that I'm a half virgin. But either way I was glad it was you, because you're so nice and I don't think I could have done that with someone else. And yes, guys have touched me before down _there_, but it was nothing like that. And next time we do that we should light candles and have a bubble bath and play violins in the background. If you want. Do you want to?" I held my breath. I needed to stop rambling.

I looked up at her. Her eyes were doe-like. "Uh," She creased her forehead. "We, well." She took an awkward gulp.

_Crap. _I made her nervous. "You don't have to answer those questions. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable. Sometimes I say things I shouldn't. I just didn't want to get confused again…but now I think I confused you."

"No, Britt, it's okay. I just…I don't have an answer right now. I know just as much as you do."

"Okay." I pinched my lips to the side. I guess those questions were kind of hard ones.

"But I want to be friends. Of course I do. I just don't have an answer for that other stuff because I don't know. Not yet anyway. I know I told you that you could ask me your questions when I sang that song. I'm sorry, I am just really confused….and it's not your fault." She quickly added that last part. "This all happened really fast." She stuttered over a few un-finished words and then took a deep breath to stop herself. "I don't know why it happened so fast. I like you though. A lot. You make me feel," she shrugged, "important or special. And kind of like I can do no wrong."

My heart swelled so big when she said that. My eyes got a little bigger and I had to force back a smile. Did I really make her feel the same way she made me feel? Because she made me feel super important and special.

She continued, "You're the sweetest person I have ever met and you're the only person I can stand to be around without wanting to stab them. I actually _want _to be around you. Like I said, you're my favorite person."

I let out another little victorious _hm, _and I couldn't stop the smile from pushing past my lips.

"So, I promise we'll figure it out Britt." She pulled her pinkie out from my hand and then grabbed my entire hand.

I had another question. She didn't say anything yet about it, but maybe because she didn't want me to get offended. And I kind of already knew the answer. And my answer was probably the same. "So are we secret?"

Her face fell and she bit her lip. "Do you want to be? I,…I'm not ready, well." She was stuttering and fumbling over her words again.

"We can be secret." I quickly interrupted her. "I think it might be easier that way. That way other people aren't saying stuff and confusing us. And I don't want to tell me mom yet. Or Hailey because she might say something to my mom. Maybe. I don't know. But it's okay if you want to be secret, because girls don't usually do this and other people might say stuff about it."

"Okay. Yeah. Yes." She relaxed.

And I relaxed. It would be way easier if we were secret for now. "Oh," I remembered something. The thought had come out of nowhere. And it kind of made me feel guilty. Our first time was beautiful even if it was on a bathroom counter and neither of us was exactly sure what we were doing. It was everything I imagined and hoped my first time would be like. "Sorry for ruining our first time by crying and being sad. I just think you made me feel so good and my brain forgot how to hold onto its emotions."

"You didn't ruin anything Britt. I promise. I'm glad you told me that." She said.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive." She closed her eyes.

I was still propping myself up with my elbow. I felt so much better. That was way better than what had happened last time my thoughts had gone into overdrive. This time I didn't cry. And it wasn't awkward asking her questions, even if I asked awkward questions.

"So," I spoke through the silence, "can I kiss you now that your eyes are closed?"

She nodded yes, probably thinking that I would say something again about how Sleeping Beauty can't talk in her sleep. I scooted closer, so now my chest was pressing against her arm. I leaned over her and kissed her.

Each time we had kissed, it had been different. But each time it made everything stop moving and made me forget how to breathe. Her lips were calm and so gentle.

We kissed slow. No tongue. I think I was leading this time. I would switch the kiss every once in a while and just hold her lips in mine.

This kiss was my favorite so far. I knew that was probably because it was happening right now. I wanted so badly to make it go quicker, but it felt good moving this slow. It felt pretty and made me feel so close to her. And I'm pretty sure Sleeping Beauty's kiss wasn't this enchanting.

Our lips were popping now. I took a deep breath in between the kiss and slid my leg over her waist. I scooted and without pulling my lips away I straddled her hips. I kept a hold of her hand with one hand and I used the other to grab a fistful of the bottom of her shirt.

I pinched her with my thighs because my downstairs was turning so quickly. It turned and twisted and now I had to kiss her harder. I shoved my tongue into her mouth and caught her tongue. It made me buck and grind down into her.

I let out a breathed cry into her mouth. _Uhh. _

I was so sensitive from earlier and I think pressing down like that near her downstairs made everything feel so much bigger.

I kept kissing. Hard. Fast.

She was keeping up. Her hand slid up my thigh, wrapped around the back of my thigh, and then inched up until she was slipping her fingers underneath the legs of the shorts I was wearing.

My downstairs twitched when I remembered I didn't have underwear on.

I broke the kiss when her hand slid over my butt. But she used her hand to push me up and back into mouth.

I rocked with her hand. I wasn't sure if she was rocking me with the hand she had slipped up my shorts, or if I was rocking myself. Either way, it was making me so turned on.

But I wanted to try something. I could rock against her hips until her shorts were sticky and wet, but I kind of wanted to see if I could make her feel like she had made me feel.

With my hand still clenching the bottom of her shirt, I pulled it up.

"What are you doing?" She gasped through our kiss. I had pulled the shirt to stop just below her chest.

"Can I kiss you?" I asked. She knew I didn't mean kiss her mouth, because I was already doing that.

I pulled up from her kiss so our lips were just inches apart. I opened my eyes and glanced down to the hand I had clenched to her shirt. I let go of the hand I had been using to hold hers and I slid it up her arm until I reached her neck. I tickled behind her ear.

I glanced back down our bodies. This looked so hot. Her hand was up my shorts touching my butt, I was straddling her hips and now I could see her stomach. Her stomach looked especially hot. I couldn't wait to get down there.

I looked back at her lips and her eyes. She hadn't answered yet. Maybe it was just hard for her to answer questions like that. Maybe she hadn't ever been asked that. Maybe guys didn't ask and just did things.

I kissed her on the lips with one short peck and then scooted my body down. I stopped when I was straddling over her knees. I pressed my palms tight against her sides and I leaned down and pecked her tummy.

It quivered and I felt her muscles clench. Even the muscles in her legs clenched between my thighs.

I slid my hands behind and under her so I was gripping the skin on her back. I started to knead and massage and my fingers dug into her. Maybe this would make her feel better after she had slept all funky. And then with my lips still hovering over her tummy, I pecked again. But instead of pulling away I opened my mouth and dragged my lips up until I was right where I had stopped lifting her shirt.

I kissed over her ribs. Her tummy kept quivering and I could just barely hear her soft breaths over the smacking noises I was making with my mouth. I think she liked it, because she had moved her hand down and was squeezing my shoulder. She'd squeeze harder each time I kissed a new spot.

I was still massaging her back. And I swear she was now rolling her body into mine. She was arching her back a little. Whenever my mouth wasn't on her she lifted up so that it would be. The way we moved and rocked, the way she pushed up into me, and the way I pushed down into her with my kiss was like a heavy beat. It was like dancing and Santana was the music since she kept making little noises like she was begging me to do keep going. It was hot, together, and made all the nerves in between my legs throb.

I slid my hands out from underneath her. I wanted to go higher. I had never touching another girl's chest, let alone kissed. But I wanted to so bad.

So I lifted my lips up from her skin, I grabbed her shirt that was balled up under her chest and I quickly jerked it up. I felt so impatient. I had to do it. I liked the way she was fidgeting and squirming when I kissed around her tummy, so I wanted to hear the noises she would make when I kissed higher.

She gasped from my sudden movements. But the second I had lifted her shirt, I dipped down and ran my tongue over her nipple. It was cooler than her skin. Smoother. But it was hard and it brushed against my chin as I dragged my tongue up a little further.

I moved one hand down from her lifted shirt and cupped her other boob. I squeezed it and then licked over her nipple again. It was even harder than before and this time I heard a gasp push through her body and it shook me.

And when before I knew I was turned on, now I knew I was going to need another pair of shorts. They were sticking to me again and a rushing heavy sensation squeezed my tummy and tried to push out of my downstairs.

"_Fuck." _Santana gasped. Her hand squeezed my bottom. It made my body jolt with tingles.

I went back to kissing instead of licking. I sucked her chest and tasted around the nipple. It was salty and sweet and amazing. I couldn't get over how much I liked having her skin against my lips. She was soft and felt so good. And I kept squeezing her other boob with my hand and massaged. My fingers squeezed and pushed so hard, but it wasn't hurting her. I knew that. Sometimes my hand would roll over her nipple and it would make my body jump and tighten, because her body would arch into mine.

I lifted my lips from her chest and scooted back up to her mouth. I had no idea what I was doing, but it seemed to be working. I caught her lips half gasp and bit her bottom lip until she closed her mouth around mine.

She bit back and now the kiss was rough and frantic. I think both of us were trying to control the other. I could have fought with her forever. I even squeezed her chest with my kisses trying to win and it would make her kiss skip and jump.

Her fingernails scratched from inside my shorts, back down my thigh and then her hands grabbed around my waist.

She pushed me up with her mouth and sat us up. And now both of us were sitting, and I was sitting on her lap and we were fighting with our kisses.

Her hands were practically clawing at my back now.

Our kiss was so deep and so aggressive. I could barely breathe. Her tongue would dart out and it would then push mine back into my mouth.

But then when I tried to kiss back again she pulled away and pushed her lips into my neck. She nipped at the skin there and I tilted my head back and let her kiss and lick and bite wherever she wanted. Her tongue was so hot and so wet. She wasn't gentle anymore and that was okay, because I liked this too. It made me feel like she wanted me really bad.

She shifted us and before I knew what was happening I was falling back onto the bed and she was crawling on top of me. Her lips were still attacking and fumbling around my neck.

But I wanted to do this to her. "Santana." I gasped her name and I knew she would think I just gasped her name because this felt so good. And maybe that's kind of why I did it, because I had wanted to say something else, but her name just slipped out.

She came back to my mouth and smothered my words. Her hands grabbed my hands and pulled them over my head. She squeezed so tightly around my wrists.

Sometimes she would kiss my mouth and then sometimes she would break away and kiss beside my mouth or she'd dip down and kiss below my ears. She was always gentle with the first kiss to a new spot and then she would get harder.

I couldn't believe how tight I felt. I would let her do anything she wanted to me.

My head was now turned to the side. She was kissing the spots around my ear. But she wasn't sucking, because last time she did that I needed to wear a scarf for three days.

"Can I do this to you?" My words were shaky and they were hard to say, because I didn't want this to stop. It felt like she was slowly winding me back up and now I was winding so tight and so high and I knew when I unwound it would feel so good. But I wanted her to feel good too.

She slowed her kissing, but it took her a while to completely stop. She lifted up from me, let go of my wrists, and sat up.

Her lips were bright red and super big. And her hair was everywhere. "You look sexy." I pulled my hands back from over my head and rested them on her hips. This was crazy. The hottest person in the world was straddling me…and how did this even happen?

I was breathing so hard. It was hard to catch my breath when all I could think about was her on top of me and her lips all over me.

She combed her hands through her hair. I think she missed the part where I called her sexy, because now she looked a little flustered. "Was this okay? Was I doing it bad?" Her chest was heaving too and her words were breathless.

"What?" I practically yelled, but then shot my hands away from her hips to cover my mouth. I slowly moved them away when I wanted to talk again. "No way, my downstairs feels hot and bothered. I want you to feel like that too."

She ran both hands through her hair now. "I do..." She nodded quickly and the nods were panicked, nervous, and quick.

I pouted and slid my hands over her thighs. "So can I do stuff to you? And touch you?"

Her face started to flush and now she wasn't even looking me in the eyes. She kept making tiny noises to clear her throat and kept playing with her hair. Eventually she said something. "I can just do it to you again." She smirked and then rested her hands on my tummy. "I like it when I touch you." Her voice was rough and teasing.

Her smirk almost got me. She looked so confident and hot. There was no way anybody would ever be able to say no to her. And for that matter, I couldn't say no to _that. _Heck yes I wanted her to touch me again. I wanted it all day, and until I couldn't walk anymore.

But I also wanted to do it to her, and it felt unfair if I was the only one who got to feel good.

"Okay, but I want to do it to you first. And maybe you'll have to help me, because I'm still not as good as you." I felt my tongue slip from my mouth and wet my lips.

She clenched the fabric of my shirt, took a deep breath, and then loosened her grip. She sighed. "I…" She moved her hands off of my waist and placed them over my hands that were resting on her thighs. "This is all new to me too." She cleared her throat again. "The girl thing. And yeah, maybe I've screwed a fair share of guys, but it was nothing like this."

"What was it like?" I watched her and waited for her to make eye contact with me. "With guys?"

She never did look at me. She just shrugged. "Remember when you were afraid that you didn't…_work?" _She whispered the last word and now her eyes were glued to our hands on her legs. She was scratching her nails over the tops of my hands.

"You don't think you work?" That question came out as less of a question and more of disbelief. Santana worked. She had to. I had seen and felt the way she moved when we kissed. It was exactly the way I moved and squirmed and breathed.

"Oh, no." She scratched harder into the tops of my hands. "No I work. I've worked. Just not…" She stopped. I could feel how nervous she was with the way she spoke. It was a different kind of nervousness. Kind of like she had taken off all her clothes and was naked and was waiting for me to tell her if she looked okay.

Except she had clothes on still.

It was weird to see someone this nervous. Especially her. I made myself look like a complete mess in front of her and there was absolutely _nothing _she could say that would top my little outburst about my dad and make her look crazier than me.

"So you do work?" I asked, because it was kind of heartbreaking to watch her struggle.

She nodded.

"I don't get why you don't want _me _touching you." I wasn't understanding. She sounded and moved like she was _working _when I kissed and touched her chest. Was she shy? No. She wasn't shy. She had pulled my hand down and said I could touch her that night in my bed. "You were going to let me touch you once…Before I told you I didn't know how, in my bed..."

"Exactly."

My face scrunched up in confusion. I didn't get it.

"This is different Britt. You're a lot different than all those guys I've screwed." She gulped and shifted on top of me. She stopped talking for a few seconds, and then whispered her next words. "I fake it with guys."

It felt like everything around us was holding its breath, even if it didn't have to breathe.

She continued. "You told me something I would never have been brave enough to say to someone. And I liked you before you said that, but after you said it…" She held her breath. "I can't pretend with you. I try. And I can't." It felt like those words came from so far inside her. They were deep and hidden and I think it took all of her strength to dig them out. Her shoulders were dropped, her face looked tired, and everything about her had given in. "But I do like touching you." This time her smirk wasn't there this time. I think she was just making sure I knew she was telling the truth. But I already knew she didn't lie.

And finally I got it. It felt like the realization hit me in the side of the head like a sack of potatoes. She was just like me, except reversed. I _didn't _let guys do things to me and hadn't had sex yet because I felt uncomfortable and distant with them. It felt weird and detached and maybe that's why they didn't make my downstairs slippery like Santana did. _But_ Santana _did_ let guys do things to her, because she was distant and maybe even uncomfortable. It was easier for her that way.

Did she think people pretended to be in love too? It made sense if I thought that, but not her. She deserved to have someone really love her. She deserved it. I slammed my eyes shut to stop my thoughts, they were getting off track and I needed to figure out this touching thing with Santana. I opened them again.

She was pretending. And I didn't know if she did that because she thought it was the only way people should see her, or if she did it so she could hide from people. Maybe a little of both. Goodness, if she only knew how beautiful and sweet she was. She was giving people way too much of herself and giving the wrong things to the wrong people.

Why didn't I see it before? That was how she usually was with people. Distant. She pushed people away and sex was how she pushed those boys away. She had so much to offer and was overflowing with everything perfect and sweet and I didn't think she knew that. I didn't think she had ever been told. And if she has been told then she probably thought the guys were faking it, because lots of guys repeated and said way too many nice things about me, but they stopped saying them after I went down on them.

She must be so confused with me. Here I was worried and wanting to touch her, when she was probably the most confused person in the entire world, because me and Santana were anything but distant. I didn't even think she knew how to put her walls up anymore when I was around.

She was so soft and open when I was around. She made me made me feel like I my entire body was warm. Warm like I had taken a super hot shower and my cheeks were going to be rosy red for the rest of the night. And…the other kind of warm. Especially when she was straddling me.

The door swung open. Both of us shot our attention towards it.

It made my heart literally fall out of my chest, but still pound and echo through my whole body. I felt Santana go stiff and her legs squeezed me, which was unexpected cause I would have thought she would have jumped away in this situation. I glanced back at Santana to double check that her shirt had fallen back down over her chest like I remembered it doing

It was just Marcus. He didn't really seem to care and shut the door behind him. He was carrying a blanket and a toy fire truck. "Santana can you-" He stopped talking when he looked up and saw us.

Santana was still straddling me and her eyes were wide.

He gasped, dropped his blanket and kicked it away from him. "Why didn't you tell me she was here?" Marcus pointed at me. He kicked his blanket further away from him.

Santana scoffed and laughed and then swung her leg off of me. "Because I don't tell you everything and she's not your friend, she's my friend."

I sat up since Santana was now off the bed. I just crossed my legs and watched Marcus. I knew he was too young to know what was going on, so my heart had kind of slowed down. But what if it had been her mom? And what if her mom had walked in when I had been kissing her boobs? That thought caused a dry gulp to scratch down my throat.

"She is too my friend!" Marcus yelled back and ran for the bed.

Santana walked away and towards the mirror. She started to fix her hair. "And I told you to knock little freak. What if I had been changing?"

Marcus didn't answer and just climbed up on the bed. He sat on the other side and started to play with his fire truck. He jumped it off of the creases and folds in the sheets.

My eyes were still wide. I knew they were. I felt like his tiny little cute brain had somehow recorded everything and then in a few years he was going to remember what had happened and then understand. Another dry gulp scratched my throat.

I turned and watched Santana. She had put her hair up into a ponytail. She spun around, glanced at me and her eyes ran over my body. And if she hadn't given me a little smile I think I might have taken another weird gulp and then my throat would have fallen off.

"Why are you here still?" She walked over to Marcus and grabbed his fire truck.

"Hey!" He jumped up and stood on her bed.

She pulled it away and held it from him. "And why are you standing on my bed?"

"Give it back!" He tried to reach for it, but she just held back further.

And then she stepped toward him wrapped her arm around his waist and then picked up so that he was hanging sideways and it looked like he was flying. She gripped him tight to her side.

He started giggling. And then I laughed too.

She spun him a couple of times and then set him down. He smiled for a little longer and then put on a scowl and jerked the fire truck out of her hands. He walked over to the door, set it on top of his blanket, and then walked back to Santana who had been watching him with her arms folded across her chest.

"Can you make me chocolate milk?" He looked at me. "Do you want Santana to make us chocolate milk?"

"Yes please." I smiled so big. This was so cute. They were so much alike. Their matching scowls. The way they only stayed mad for a second until someone made them laugh.

Santana look at me, eyebrows knitted, and then looked back at Marcus. "Fine. Go get three cups out and set them on the table. We'll be down in a second."

Marcus bounced up and down and then sprinted over to his blanket and fire truck. He looked at me before he picked up the blanket, then picked it up quickly and hid it behind his back before he opened the door and ran out of the room.

Santana walked back to the bed, grabbed my hand and pulled me up with her. "I guess we're not sleeping anymore."

She held my hand until I was off of the bed and then she walked back to the mirror. "My mom should be home anytime from shopping. She'll make breakfast and then we can run to your house?" She turned around to look at me. "If you still want to?"

I shook my head _yes. _"But can I borrow another pair of shorts, or sweatpants…" I whispered and mumbled that, because it was a little odd saying that out loud now that she wasn't straddling me and now that her little cousin had completely ruined the mood.

She eyed me, ran her eyes over my body, and then smiled and said yes. She grabbed me a pair of sweat pants and I just pulled them over the shorts. She told me that I could shower again if I wanted and I told her that I didn't need to take a full shower. Just half.

We went downstairs and drank chocolate milk. She then turned the TV onto cartoons for Marcus and asked if I was ready to shower. So we took turns showering and she let me borrow another little dress since I had forgotten the other one at work in my locker. I told her it was there though and that I would give it back.

And while Santana finished getting ready I went downstairs and watched cartoons with Marcus until her mom got home and made the best breakfast ever. French toast. I ate five pieces and used blueberry syrup.

When Santana came downstairs I was on my third piece and she talked to her mom while me and Marcus ate. Marcus told me a story about his other cousin and how he had dared him to do a cartwheel. And then I told Marcus a story about how I could do cartwheels. Now I have to show him how to do one sometime.


	14. Flowers

**a/n : the amount of reviews I have received is unbelievable. Thank you soo soooo sooooooo much. :) I love reading them, it's my favorite part of writing this story. Some of the reviews are so detailed and some of them are 'spot-on' while others are so far away from what I intend to reveal. ;) Enjoy this chapter. And thank you Stephanie again! Oh and here's the links for some of the songs, just type in 'youtube' before the dot. **

**.com/watch?v=pkVfANH5Zrc**

**.com/watch?v=rbgD8l6E-Bs**

**Chapter 14 : Flowers**

"Is your dad home?"

"I think so."

"Is anyone else here?"

"Yeah. My mom should be. She's probably asleep."

"So then I shouldn't ring the doorbell?"

"No way Jose."

"But you don't have keys, right? Maybe we could sneak through your window. Or can we just knock?"

"Oh, it's not locked."

"Then why are we standing here?" Santana pinched her eyebrows together and then looked back at the doorknob. When she looked back at me, she grabbed my hand and linked her fingers between mine. "If anything happens I'll cause a diversion and you run to your room and grab all your extra underwear."

"Like a panty snatcher." I smiled super big, but it was because she was holding my hand. I squeezed almost as tight as I could. Our hands felt so tiny like this. I was used to big boy hands and I liked holding her hand better. "How are you going to distract them?" I was still smiling and even started to swing our hands back and forth.

_Back, and forth, and back, and forth._ I was stalling, because I wanted to stand here all day and hold her hand.

"I'll flash the girls." She shrugged and looked down at her boobs. "Just give me the signal."

"Good idea." I nodded with approval. She was teasing, but I was pretty sure that would definitely be a good distraction. "Maybe..." _Maybe_, because then I would get distracted too and forget to get my clothes.

She reached her hand up for the doorknob and kept her eyes on me. She didn't turn the knob until I nodded that it was okay.

But all that waiting was for nothing. Nobody was in the house. I kind of figured that was what would happen. That thought hadn't kept me from telling Santana three times in the car that maybe I should just buy new underwear. They weren't that expensive, especially if I bought the three for fifteen dollar ones at the store. She said that we would be quick and that if I got to the front door and _really really really_ didn't want to go in then we could try again later.

I wasn't really sure what I was so nervous about in the first place. I hadn't even noticed I was silent in the car until Santana reached over and put her hand on my leg.

Every argument I have had with my mom ended up never being brought up again. We just pretended like it didn't happen. I think it was easier that way. I knew it was easier that way, because then I wouldn't say things I didn't mean and she wouldn't misunderstand me.

My sister's bedroom door was open and the living room was empty. I was kind of expecting it to be a little dirtier, but when my dad was home on the weekends he usually cleaned up. So the wine boxes were stacked by the wood stove and there was clean laundry folded on the kitchen table. My dad was probably out in the backyard. And I knew my mom was in her room, cause the door was closed.

I pulled Santana behind me and we went into my room. I didn't let go of the breath I was holding until we were in my room and the door was shut. I think she even held her breath too. It felt kind of weird to be sneaking into my own house. I felt like I was a robber. I bet this was how Lord Tubbington felt when he snuck in my room to try and steal things when I was at work. He was only allowed in here if I was home, because I always left empty cereal bowls on my dresser and he always knocked them over.

I dropped Santana's hand and went straight for my underwear drawer. Santana had let me borrow one of her duffle bags, so I started to pull out some stuff I might need. Clean underwear, bras, socks, and a few tank tops.

It wasn't until I was fumbling through my dresser and wasn't squeezing Santana's hand that I realized I was shaking. I think it was mostly adrenaline. I just didn't want my mom to walk in, because then it would be awkward, because I wasn't sure if she had remembered Santana yet and I didn't want to double introduce them. I especially didn't want to double introduce them right after I had insulted my mom about _my friend Santana _and _her super big house. _

"Don't forget your outfit for tonight." Santana walked toward my closet and started running her hand through my clothes. "Is it in here?" She peeked over her shoulder to look at me.

"It's already at work." I said. I never kept my work outfits here, because I would just end up forgetting them. And I didn't want Hailey taking them. "What are you wearing?" I walked over to my closet and watched her flip through my clothes. I had a handful of underwear and socks. No bras though, because I think those were folded on the kitchen table.

"Just a black dress." She shrugged. "Something simple."

I crouched down and shoved the clothes I was holding into the duffle bag. Then I stood back up. "You're not dressing up like Cupid? That would have been cute. Or hot if you just wore Victoria Secret lingerie and wings. I was going to do that, because I'm pretty sure that's what most girls wear for their boyfriends on Valentine's Day. But I don't have a boyfriend. And it's not Valentine's Day. " I frowned. "All the other girls are doing the Cupid thing."

Her eyes dipped down my body before she answered. It made my heart flutter. "Yeah, well Valentine's Day is annoying. It's irritating to watch people dress up like they have money and then watch them buy the most expensive thing on our menu and then ask if _their sweetheart _can sample the most expensive wine. If I'm being forced to work with tacky paper heart decorations hanging from the roof and serve alcohol and food to pathetic people who think they're in love, then there's no way in hell I'm going to dress up like Cupid. The last thing I want to do is encourage that kind of behavior."

"But this is an opposite Valentine's Day."

Santana shook her head and pulled out one of my shirts. She held it up to look at it. "I like this." And then she looked back at me. "And that's the whole thing about it. It's supposed to be for single couples, but real couples come and the girls _always _sing crappy love songs. It's depressing to watch them wish they were in love. "

"Love songs are nice." I was frowning. I liked Valentine's Day. Mostly I just liked the chocolate, but I thought it was an awesome idea to have this themed night. The whole point of it was to show everyone that being single was only for a little, and then you would find someone. And it didn't have to be a lover. It could be a friend or family or someone who was also single and lonely and then you could become friends and take Cosmo quizzes together to find out what kind of guys you liked. Valentine's Day was like a sneaky Thanksgiving, except everyone substitutes chocolate for the turkey. It brings people together and I just think that people didn't realize that.

"Nice for couples. Not nice when I have to walk around and watch them grope each other and mate in front of me. Maybe if it were like our other busy nights then I would be okay. But it's not. Everyone comes dressed up, with a date, and they order the most expensive things on the menu. And they sit at tables and watch us sing."

"What are you singing?" I grabbed the shirt she was holding up and put it in the bag. I will just have to find a way to show Santana that Valentine's Day wasn't bad.

I could get her those candy chalk hearts, but they don't sell them during the summer. But if they did I would leave little candies around work for her to find. In her till, or on her serving trays, or in her purse. I would have to buy a whole bunch of boxes because I would only use the hearts that said _Ask Me, _because even though she told me that I could ask her questions with that song, I wanted her to know that she could ask me questions too. Maybe I would leave some that said _Sweet Pea_. Or _Angel. _I think those were words that Santana needed to hear more of, because I think she has started to believe what people say about her and that was also kind of why she had such big walls.

"Nothing. I sang my song last night." She stole another glance at me with the corner of her eye and lifted the corner of her mouth into a little smile.

I didn't hide my smile though.

"So," I walked back and waited for her to pull out some more clothes, "it's not super crazy busy? Like we're not going to be stuck behind the bar?"

"No." She handed me some more shirts from my closet. "It's fancy. We actually get to waitress. But it is busy. Will sets up more tables. And there are people who will literally wait hours for a table."

"Cool." I held my arms out as she slung shirts and skirts and pants over them. This was going to be fun. "How come you don't like Valentine's day?"

"Do you like it?" She snapped her eyes to me with an eyebrow cocked.

"It's okay. I like getting chocolate." I twisted and twirled on the balls of my feet. "Even though my dad is the one who usually gives it to me. I've never dated someone on Valentine's Day."

"Me either." She crouched down to pick up the bag of clothes and held it open for me.

I stuffed the clothes into the bag.

"Maybe you'll like it this time?" The words had come out. I didn't really mean to say them, because even though I was completely fine with saying anything or doing anything in front of Santana, I didn't want to make her uncomfortable. I knew this thing with us was kind of iffy. Like, I think we both knew what we wanted, we just didn't know how to go about it or how to make it feel normal or look normal.

_Actually_…I didn't want this thing with us to be normal. I wanted it to be unique.

"Like what?" She laughed a little. "Valentine's Day? Cheesy flowers aren't my thing." And she rolled her eyes while she laughed. "But maybe it won't be as bad as it usually is. Maybe."

That last bit kind of shocked me. Especially since she had been rolling her eyes. But it made my eyes light up and I had to clench my teeth to keep my excitement under control.

"Should we find your dad?" Santana set the bag of clothes on the floor and started to zip it up for me.

"Sure." I grabbed the bag from her and opened my door.

She followed me back past the front door, through the living room, and then I set my bag on the kitchen table. It smelled like coffee and burnt toast out here. Our toaster always burned stuff.

I looked through the back window. My dad was out in the backyard pulling weeds out of our little garden. I wonder if he dug far enough down if he would find the notes I hid there for Hailey when we were little. I tried looking for them once, but then there were too many bugs.

I slid the glass door open and stepped out first. Santana followed me and I closed it behind us. Lord Tubbington meowed and then ran across the patio to our feet.

I squatted down and held my hands out for him to run into. I hadn't seen him in so long. At least he hadn't forgotten me. He was so whipped. He makes such a big deal about me falling to sleep and having to cuddle with him, half the time I have to bribe him to come into my room, but here he was running to me.

"Looks like your family didn't forget to feed him while you were gone." Santana teased.

I hefted him up in my arms and stood up. I spun to face Santana with him clutched to my chest. "He just likes food."

"I can see that." Santana laughed, but didn't reach out to pet him.

I stepped toward her. "He's nice though. He doesn't really move much, but he likes to be petted under his chin."

She tucked her lips into her mouth and it made her dimples deepen. And then she hesitantly lifted a hand and used one finger to scratch under his chin. He instantly closed his eyes and purred.

"He likes you." I set him down when Santana stopped petting, because he was starting to make my arms tired. "He won't even come near me when Rachel is here. But I think that's because we used to play hide and seek with him when we were little and she hid him in the fridge." Lord Tubbington stood there next to us for a second, and then he lay down. I swatted at my shirt to get the fur off and then I turned to look for my dad. He waved and stood up from pulling weeds.

Santana and me walked across the grass towards him.

"I thought I saw your car out front." He spoke to Santana.

I looked over to see Santana nod. "Yup. It is. Did you get her bike fixed yet?"

I skipped the last step. I was glad that Santana had remembered to ask about my bike, because I had completely forgotten about it.

"Almost. Maybe next weekend." He pulled gloves off of his hand and dropped them to the ground. "What are you girls doing today?"

"We work." I answered. "We just stopped by to grab some clothes." I folded my hands behind my back, because I wanted to reach out and grab Santana's. Standing here in front of my dad was kind of like standing in front of the front door. I wasn't sure why I was so anxious and I really didn't have a reason to be, because I knew nothing bad was going to happen. I just felt kind of tense. Like something was missing or I was missing something.

But I wasn't missing something. And then it felt like my entire body sunk. I knew why I was fidgety and jumpy and why my throat felt like it was half full. I knew my dad wasn't a different person. He was the same person he was before I had cried about him leaving.

What if he left today? He wouldn't. I knew that. But it felt like I knew so much more now. And I felt stupid for not even feeling this before.

The worst part was that now I couldn't figure out what was good or what was bad. Was it good or bad that he left…that he came back…Was he the good guy or was my mom the good guy? They were both good guys I think.

My dad's expression didn't change. He was still grinning. "Clothes for work?"

I knew I was spacing out and both Santana and my dad were looking at me. But I couldn't make myself talk when I was overloading with thoughts.

"Nope." Santana answered and then looked back at my dad. "We're having a sleepover at my house."

"That sounds fun." He nodded. "You're keeping out of trouble right? No boys?"

"No boys." Santana repeated, and I couldn't help a feeling that filled my chest and made me feel lighter. Kind of like she had lifted just one confused and lost weight off my shoulders. These thoughts and memories and emotions weren't me. I didn't think. I just did.

"I stayed with Santana." I finally spoke. I didn't want them to worry and think something was wrong.

"Well as long as you're not intruding. And remember to come home once in a while. You know your mom and sister probably miss you."

"Okay." I answered. I wasn't sure if he knew about the argument, and I think my mom was still mad at me. She never called to ask if I could bring home champagne or cigarettes. But I didn't want to tell him about it, because my mom would have told him if she had wanted to. And I didn't want to make her more upset.

I hoped it was okay that I had told Santana. I didn't say anything bad, so I was pretty sure it was fine. I just told her what I had said wrong.

"We need to get to work." Santana spoke. "We're going to be late." She put her hand on my shoulder, but only for a second. Her touch snapped my attention back to our conversation.

"Well, be good." My dad said. "I don't want to have to pick you up from the police station again."

Santana's eyes snapped back to me and when I looked at her she was completely stunned. Her face was scrunch and her mouth had dropped open a little. I think she was just confused.

It made me giggle. "He's kidding." I nudged her with my elbow. "Bye Dad." I said and turned back to the house with Santana.

He laughed and said bye

We walked through the back yard and I opened the sliding glass door for her again. She picked up the duffle bag from the table, reminded me to grab my phone charger from my room, and after I grabbed it we left. She didn't say anything until we were back in her car and she was pulling away from my house.

"I'm not sure if I like that cat."

I smiled and looked over at her. She was smiling and I knew she was just teasing me.

I pressed my forehead against the window, because it was still kind of hot from all the thoughts that had been buzzing in my brain. Santana reached over and put her hand on my leg again and it made me completely forget about those thoughts.

**Xxx**

"You can't wear that." Rachel shook her head and refused to look at me.

I glanced down at my outfit. It sure seemed like I could wear it. And it was cute. A little red and white pinstriped nurse outfit complete with matching hat. And I even had bought black tights to go along with it so Rachel wouldn't get mad that I was showing too much leg. "But I like it."

"You know the theme of the night right?" She forced herself to finally look back at me.

"Yes."

"And you know it's not nurse themed?" She lifted an eyebrow, huffed, and then crossed her arms.

I balled up the bottom of the skirt into my fists, pinched my lips, and shrugged.

"Brittany. You need to change. You look ridiculous."

I didn't look ridiculous. I knew that.

"Oh, hey!" Quinn walked out from the back and up to the bar. I had been standing behind the bar for the past ten minutes trying to convince Rachel that I could wear a nurse's outfit tonight and that Will and Holly already said I could. "You look adorable." Quinn reached out and ran a few of my curls through her fingers. When Santana and me got to work she helped curl my hair in the bathroom so I didn't burn myself.

"See." I looked back at Rachel. "Quinn doesn't think I look ridiculous."

Rachel wasn't even looking at me anymore. She was back to organizing the already organized bottles of alcohol underneath the bar.

"And Santana said I looked good."

Quinn pulled her fingers away from my hair and stepped up to the bar so she was leaning against it. "Where is Santana?" She scanned the floor. Mercedes was on stage with Tina and Will. We opened for the evening service in a little less than an hour.

It was kind of cool to be closed at three in the afternoon. Usually when we opened we were open all day and we didn't really get much of a break. But now we got to relax for a few hours and we got to decorate the bar to look super romantic. I had set candles up on all the tables.

"She's changing." I answered.

"Still?" Quinn questioned. She wasn't accusing or being snotty, just being curious.

But I guess Santana had been in the back for a while, but that was because she was helping me. So that's what I told Quinn. I told her that Santana had helped curl my hair and helped me with my outfit and that was why she didn't get a chance to help decorate.

Rachel scoffed and then turned back to me. "I brought you an extra outfit. It's in my locker."

"Ewww." Quinn glared at Rachel.

Rachel didn't even respond to her she just kept talking to me. "I have a dress you could borrow and I have an extra set of wings. We could put a red ribbon in your hair." It almost looked like she was pleading with me.

I almost said _okay. _I guess it wasn't that big of a deal that I changed. I'm sure the nurse outfit could be used some other time. But then Quinn spoke up before I could decide if I wanted to give in.

"Please don't offer her your leftovers. It's bad enough I have to look at you and your first choice of clothing for the entire night, but there is no way Brittany is wearing your second choice outfit. She looks good."

_I look good. _I smiled. I _had_ to look good if both Santana and Quinn thought so.

"Fine." Rachel huffed again, turned and marched away. She headed towards the stage and towards Will.

I was about to tell Quinn she looked good, because she did. She had a red dress on. But then Santana walked out from the back.

I swear it looked like she was walking on clouds. I couldn't even breathe anymore. Everything about the dress she was wearing, the way she had her hair up, her makeup, and her dimples because I think she was trying to hide a smile, was gorgeous. I have never used the word _gorgeous_ to describe anyone, just flowers. She was so pretty and more gorgeous than a flower. How could one person be so perfect?

"Wow." Tina spoke and Quinn and I spun around as Tina took a seat on one of the stools on the other side of the bar. "Where did you get that dress?"

I glanced back at Santana and started to slide my eyes down her body. I couldn't pull them away. I was pretty sure she was the person who would make magnets work, if that was how magnets were made.

Her eyes slipped to me, before she walked up to the bar and rested her elbows against it. She shook her head indifferently. "The internet. I've had it for a while." There she goes again not believing compliments and not taking them seriously.

Quinn patted my hand. "Want to help me pick a song?"

I perked up at that thought. I didn't usually get asked. "Okay."

"Let's go up to the stage. Will is waving me over." She pointed to Will and he was looking toward us girls.

I wanted to tell Santana she looked pretty. But I didn't want to make it too obvious, because she was blushing, fiddling with her fingers and I think that was because I kept staring at her. I didn't want Tina or Quinn to notice.

Quinn left and headed toward the stage and really didn't give me much time to figure out what I should do. So I just walked behind Santana, poked her in the back, and smiled at her as I walked away. She smiled too and then went back to talking to Tina. When I glanced back after getting halfway to the stage she jerked her eyes away from me and back to Mercedes who had just walked up. I hope she knew that people could see that kind of stuff, but I was glad that I wasn't the only one staring.

"So," Quinn said as we climbed the stairs up to the stage. "Any suggestions?"

We walked to the piano and both took a seat on the bench. She reached for a binder full of sheet music and opened it to a middle page.

"You should sing something fun." I said. I really didn't know what song, because Santana had already sung my current favorite song. Or maybe now The Scientist was my favorite. Either way, Santana already sang them both.

"Fun?" Quinn continued to flip through the pages. "Like what?"

I watched the titles of the songs pass by as she flipped. None of them caught my attention. And then one did. I tensed and pointed a finger at the page before she could flip it. "That one!" I shouted.

"What? Really?" Quinn eyed the page and then looked to me. "I'm not sure if I want to sing something _that_ upbeat. This night is supposed to be romantic."

"Oh." I dropped my shoulders. I guess _Teenage Dream _wasn't exactly a romantic song that people wanted to listen to while they ate their fancy dinners. Well, not normal people. I would listen to it.

"What if…" Quinn hummed. "What if I get the guitarist to slow it down and I do an acoustic version of it?"

"Ooo!" My body shot back up. "Yeah fun!"

"Fun?" She laughed. "So this song then? Are you sure?"

"Yeah it's perfect." I watched as she was running her finger over the lyrics. "They say the word Valentine." I spoke as her finger slid over the page and that specific word. "And it talks about being pretty without makeup and hearts stopping when people look. It's perfect."

Quinn nodded and didn't respond. She just kept looking over the lyrics.

**xxXXXX**

I didn't get a chance to talk to Santana until after Quinn had sung her song. She did really good. And I was relieved because I was the one who had picked it. Lots of people clapped for her and now she was still up on stage talking to Holly. And all the customers were back to their fancy dinners.

I had gotten so many compliments on my outfit. And as if on repeat, each time someone asked me why I was dressed as a nurse I said, _because I'm fixing broken hearts. _I even overheard Santana say that to a customer when I walked by. And I was so glad that Will didn't make me change, because everyone liked my outfit.

I walked up to the bar where Santana was getting beer out of the tap. I think it was for Finn and Puck, because they were the only ones drinking beer. They had shown up and had been sitting at the opposite side of the bar all night. Puck kept asking me if I wanted to play doctor later and saying that he was sick. Santana threatened him and told him that he better not say anything else. She also mumbled something at him that I couldn't hear. He hadn't said anything since...

All night my eyes had been glued to Santana and how pretty she was. And I kept thinking about what had happened this morning in her bed and kept thinking about what she had done to me in her bathroom. Each time I got a flash of it in my mind, I would get a sharp knot in my downstairs.

I wanted to talk about it. And I had been wanting to talk about it all night. I needed to finish that conversation we had been having before her cousin walked in the room. It was like a gnawing and growing urge and if I didn't ask her about it right now then I was going to blow up.

She looked up at me.

_God she was gorgeous. _

"Britt?" She cocked her head and started to fill a second glass with beer. "Did you need something?"

I nodded my head. I wondered how long I had been staring. "Yes."

"Hold on." She took both beers over to Puck and Finn and then walked back to me.

I climbed on the stool and folded my hands. "Can we talk about the _secret." _I whispered the last word.

I could see a lump start in her throat. She took a second to answer. But she nodded _yes. _"Is something wrong?" She spoke with her voice a bit lower, but not quite a whisper. I guess I hadn't needed to whisper _secret_ if all the customers were talking loud and nobody was really listening to us.

"No. Nothing's wrong." I said and she seemed to relax. "I just wanted to ask you another question, because I keep thinking about it."

"Thinking about what?" She grabbed a towel and started to fold it into a triangle. I watched her for a little as she folded it, unfolded it, and then folded it into a different pattern.

"You shouldn't be behind the bar with such a pretty dress." I looked at the taps and saw the beer dripping. The realization hit me quickly. What if she got her dress dirty? What if she had to wear Rachel's second choice clothes? My eyes widened at the thought. That would be interesting.

"That's what you've been thinking about all day?" She relaxed even further.

"No. I just thought of that now."

"I'll be careful." She assured me.

I carefully picked my words. I wanted to ask the exact right question. "…Can I do things to you next time?"

Santana quickly twisted and snapped her attention to the boys at the other end of the bar. They weren't even looking at us. She looked back to me and looked completely timid.

I got that Santana was nervous about me doing stuff to her. I knew that. Her exact words had been, _I can't pretend with you. _She just wasn't used to having someone on her side of the wall. She was used to having sex with guys where they were on the other side of the wall and where they couldn't see her.

But I wasn't on the other side of the wall. I had busted through her wall without warning and without explanation. Or maybe I had walked through an invisible door in her wall that she kept open for me. I wasn't exactly sure which one of us was responsible for how close we had become. Both I think. Maybe I had just busted through an invisible open door.

"I'm not… I..." The muscles in her face tensed. "I want you to. Someday. I just."

"So, I have a plan." I interrupted her. She didn't need to choose a day or explain anything, because I already knew.

"And what's that?" She was still talking super quiet and hesitant and I think her hands were full of nerves because she couldn't stop fiddling with the towel.

"I want to have a special lady night. With you. And me. Again. And this time we'll rev your engine. But I have this all planned out. I've like, been planning it all day." I swallowed the frog in my throat because now I was getting nervous and anxious. I wanted her to like this plan as much as I liked it. "But," I held up my finger, "we won't plan a day. And you can pick the day."

I set my hand back on the bar. "First of all, we'll do it in bed because as awesome as the bathroom was, I want you to have your own special first time place and I think either your bed or my bed is perfect. Every sweet girl should have their first time in a bed." That was how I had seen it in movies and how I had always imagined it even if it was a cliché. But I liked things that were like that and I think Santana did too.

"My first time was in the back of a truck." Santana leaned forward and rested her elbows on the bar. It made me smile, because even though she was trying to use her words to push off the topic, she was leaning towards me. She could say whatever she wanted, but I knew her body would do what she really wanted.

"Your first time with me silly." I inched just a little more towards her, but not enough to fall off my stool. "And no interrupting. You haven't even heard the whole plan yet."

"Okay, fine. What's the plan?" She pinches her lips and kept back a smile. She was slowly unwinding and I now more than ever knew she wanted to do this with me. I wasn't sure how much time she needed, but I would give her whatever she wanted and whatever she needed. And I knew she both wanted and needed someone to give her _this. _I was so lucky that it could be me.

"We don't have to do it exactly like I say, it's more of an outline. Or one of those graphs that you fill in, in English class that has branches hanging from it. But anyway, we'll be in your bed."

"Or yours?" Santana reminded me.

"Or mine." I smiled. _I so had her_. "And we'll be in pajamas. Except I want you to wear a bra, so I can take it off of you."

She nodded and I think was internally making a checklist. Good. I wasn't sure if I could remember all of this. "Lights on or off?" she asked and raised an eyebrow. At first her question just seemed like her way of joining in the conversation and encouraging me, but it wasn't. She was dead serious.

"We'll turn them off. It makes it mysterious and makes it so I have to touch more to find where I am." I glanced down at her chest and then back up at her eyes. Not only that, but it was probably easier to shine a spotlight on her during this whole girl sex thing if the lights were off. That way she wouldn't be blinded from too much light.

"And what else?" She leaned in just a bit more and her body relaxed even more so. I was completely right about the spotlight thing. And I would turn off all the lights in the entire world if it meant that she could turn on hers just for a second.

"I haven't decided if I want to take my clothes off or not. I could, but I don't want you to get distracted." I scrunched my nose as I smiled.

"It might be easier for me if you did…"

Her response was so simple and probably the most honest thing I had ever heard her say. It made this playful conversation turn into something a little more serious than it had started.

_This thing with her was serious._

I knew I was smiling. So big. I knew that how serious we were being was something I probably should have realized after what she had done to me in the bathroom, or after that night in her room when we listened to Gravity, or maybe even this morning when she told me some of those things and how she was with guys. And I guess I had always known it was serious because that was how I responded to her naturally. It was kind of like I was noticing something that had always been there.

"Britt?" She stood up and reached for a bar towel. "Why are you smiling?" She asked, but she was smiling too and almost laughing.

"Just thinking."

"Well, think aloud." She fiddled with the towel for a second and then leaned back towards me. "And finish your plan."

"Oh right." I straightened my back a little to stretch and then bent back towards her. I kind of wanted to reach for her hands and start playing with them again, but I knew that kind of thing was for private only. At least for now. "So we're in bed, lights off, I'm naked…" I narrowed my eyes as I tried to remember the next part. And I had to shift and clench my downstairs because thinking about this plan was kind of hot. "And then…we'll put music on. But it will be rock music." This part I had specifically planned. I knew exactly what song too, because I had heard it on the radio the other day. "And it will be loud. That way it's more of a background noise and you're not really listening to it and not listening to anything else that's going on except for when I get close to your ear and have to whisper something."

"Loud music?" She was amused and interested, because the look on her face told me that she actually thought this was a good idea.

"Yes loud. Not super loud so it hurts our ears. But whenever I listen to my iPod the music is always loud and it makes it so I'm in my own little world because nobody else knows what I can hear. I want it so we're in our own little world. Just you and me."

She looked at me like I had said the sweetest thing in the world. Her smile. Her eyes. The way she started to zone out and just kind of grin and was now resting her chin on her fist.

"But I haven't figured out the rest quite yet. I will though."

She was still just staring at me. So I kept talking, because I wanted her to keep smiling like that. "We should probably do it in your bed. Unless you want to do it in mine, which is fine. We'll just have to wait until super early in the morning when everyone has gone to sleep. That way my mom won't hear something, cause our house is kinda small. And my sister always texts me at night and tells me to turn my TV down. So maybe we should hang blankets on the walls or just make a soundproof tent on my bed."

She shook her head and a soft laugh came from her. "My bed is fine."

I got so excited. "So you'll do it?" I squeezed my fists and straightened my back again. "Really!"

She softly laughed again and was even blushing. "Shhh." She reached over the counter and grabbed my clenched fist, but pulled it back as soon as she had touched it. "Yes I'll do it."

"Sorry." I whispered, but none of the excitement was gone from my body. "I'm just super excited."

She playfully rolled her eyes at me and then walked to the back counter and grabbed a box. "Help me set these bottles out." She walked back and set the box on the bar. It was full of fancy wines and champagnes. "We're running low."

I stood up and started to pull out the bottles. I was careful because I didn't want to break them and get the wine everywhere. Then I would ruin both of our outfits and we would have to share Rachel's second choice outfit.

Quinn walked up to us and pulled out the last bottle. And then she reached over for the thing to uncork it.

Santana didn't look up at her, but I think that was because she hadn't noticed her. She had been scowling at her phone for the past few seconds and was now sending a text back and smashing her fingers against the buttons. "_Fuck." _She whispered.

I glanced back at her and was going to ask her what was wrong, until Quinn spoke. "So, I'm having a little party at my house after work since we're getting off early."

"I'll be right back." Santana said to me, then lifted her phone up to her ear and walked into the back. I watched her until the swinging door closed.

I looked back at Quinn. Had she said something about a party? "A party?"

"Yeah. You're coming." She began to uncork the wine.

"Okay." I nodded. "Is everyone coming? From here."

She shrugged. "I mentioned it to Tina and Mercedes. And the boys are coming." She pointed to Finn and Puck. "It's nothing big. Just a little get together."

"Sounds fun." My enthusiasm almost shot through the roof. And it would have if Santana hadn't gone into the back to talk on her phone. I didn't want something to be wrong. "All my stuff is in Santana's car." I started to tell Quinn and then I saw Mercedes with her arm linked through Sam's and she was leading him towards us.

My enthusiasm almost boiled over and I skipped over to him and hugged him. He hardly ever came out, but I had kept bugging him to stop by and told him I would give him a _Cowboy's Cream_ if he did. I had to explain that it was a shot and promise I wouldn't call it that in front of him.

He wrapped his arms around me and squeezed. "Yay." I spoke into his chest.

He let go. "Love the outfit." He looked at me.

I spun around to look at Quinn. I knew she hadn't met him yet and I wanted her to meet him, because I loved it when all my friends knew each other. "This is Sam." I grabbed his arm and dragged him over to Quinn. "He's my friend." I let go of his arm. "And this is Quinn." I told Sam.

They shook hands.

Him and Mercedes started talking about something, but I didn't know what because Santana walked out. She looked pissed. She walked straight to me and leaned back over the bar, so I hopped back on the stool and waited. Her body looked so tense, like it was about to snap.

"I need to drop Marcus and my aunt off at the airport." She spoke through her clenched teeth.

"Okay." I said.

"And you work tomorrow morning right?" She tried to relax her face, but it wasn't working.

I nodded.

"I'm not going to be back until around noon. Maybe Will would let you come in late tomorrow. So you can drive with us. It's like a four hour drive. And my mother fucking works so she can't. I totally forgot about it. Or you can stay at my house. My mom won't mind. And I'll drive my aunt's car so you can just take my car to work."

"I-" I started to say that I could ask Will.

Then Quinn spoke. "She can stay the night at my house." Quinn took a seat on the stool next to me. "If you want Brittany?"

Santana's eyes snapped to Quinn. I couldn't decide if Santana was giving her a dirty look or a confused look.

"Yeah," Quinn continued. "I'm having a little get together after work. And I can drive you to work tomorrow?" She looked to me.

I looked to Santana. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to go with Santana, but I didn't mind staying with Quinn. Maybe it would be easier that way. But I kind of wanted to go on a road trip too.

Santana didn't answer, because I think she was looking to me for an answer. So I shrugged.

"So it's settled." Quinn stood up and grabbed the wine she had opened. "I need to take this to a table. But Brittany you can stay with me. It'll be fun."

"Okay." I said and smiled at her.

She walked off.

Santana looked to me, "Is it _okay_?"

"Yeah. I like Quinn." I looked back over my shoulder to find Quinn, but then I saw Sam talking to Mercedes and remembered he hadn't met Santana yet. I turned back to face her, "That's Sam." I whispered and pointed at him.

"Hm." She cocked an eyebrow.

"He's one of my closest friends." I explained. "One time he let me stay at his house when we were little when my mom and dad were fighting. And he let Hailey stay over too even but he called her a pest because she kept following us. But that was because I told her to follow us so she didn't get lost." I looked back at Sam and waved for him to come over.

Both him and Mercedes walked over to us.

"Sam this is Santana." I looked back at Santana. I was beaming, because this was awesome.

"Hey." Sam smiled.

Santana just nodded hello.

"You going to Quinn's tonight?" I asked Mercedes, and then looked to Sam. "You should go too!"

"Already told him about it." Mercedes winked, but only so I could see. I should just tell both of them that they have secret crushes.

We talked for a little and then Rachel spoke over the mic. She was singing another song tonight, I think it was the last song of the night. "Hello." She hushed through the mic. That was all she said, because Rachel said a lot, but not this time. I think she was nervous. Probably because I was wearing a nurse outfit. "This is _Bound to You_, originally sung by Christina Aguilera."

_Or…_I snapped my attention to Finn. I had totally forgotten about her _crush _on him. That made more sense as to why she was nervous.

The piano started and everyone stopped talking. Everyone always stopped talking when the girls sang, unless it was a crazy busy night and they couldn't stop cheering.

I leaned forward and tapped Sam's shoulder. "We should dance." I loved slow dancing and I hadn't gotten a chance to do it all night. But that was mostly because he was the only guy I would really have wanted to slow dance with. And we had a standing deal. Whenever he came in the bar, I would get him a few free beers, and he would dance with me.

But, right away I looked to Santana. I would have loved to dance with her. That would be a dream come true. But here and now wasn't our time. Not yet. But I wanted to make sure that she didn't think something of me and Sam dancing. She didn't though. She smiled at me so big. It was cute. She knew me and I was so glad that I didn't need to explain _anything _to her.

"_Sweet love, sweet love, trapped in your love…" _Rachel started to sing.

I turned and pushed him toward the stage. And when we finally got there I wrapped my arms around him and we started to dance. He was like a big brother to me. Someone I grew up with.

"…_You're all I need, when I'm holding you tight..." _

I pressed my mouth into his shoulder and looked for Santana. She was standing next to Mercedes in front of the bar and watching me. She had that zoned out smile back on her face again. Kind of like she was blinking in slow motion and absolutely nothing could make her stop smiling. And it wasn't a big smile, but just big enough for me to see.

"…_Can't you see that I'm bound in chains? I finally found my way."_

This felt perfect. I squeezed Sam tighter. And even though he wasn't _her, _that was okay, because someday…

My eyes started to gloss and I knew I was looking through tears. But I wasn't going to cry because I was so happy and I think it was impossible for me to cry when I was this happy.

It takes an extraordinary person to be able to put the spotlight on other people, and Santana does it without even thinking or meaning too. She has her wall so tall and so big that I didn't think that there was even a way to get a spotlight on her without being on her side of it.

I was on her side.

"Who are you looking at?" Sam spoke. His voice startled me even though it was soft. I squeezed him tighter and he turned us a little and I wasn't able to see Santana anymore.

"My friend."

"I think I would be jealous of your friend if I knew I had even the tiniest chance with you." He said and he was smiling.

"You like Mercedes." I reminded him even if he was joking.

"That's true." He said. "Think I have a chance with her?"

I was still buried into his shoulder and thinking about Santana so I hadn't really heard his question.

"_I'm strong and I'm sure, there's a fire in us."_

"Who are you looking at?" His laugh shook his chest and shook me.

"Not looking anymore, just thinking about." I smiled.

"Okay, who are you thinking about?" He questioned.

"It's a secret. But I'll tell you one day." I answered.

He nodded.

"And yes you have a chance with her." I remembered his question.

We didn't talk the rest of the song. Which was good, because Santana was the only thing I could think about and I was afraid I would say her name, because sometimes I accidentally say things I'm thinking about when I mean to say other things.

The song ended and Sam walked me off the dance floor with his hand on my back.

"Can I ask you a weird question?" I whispered, because I knew this was a very weird question.

"Yes." He responded and slowed our pace as we started to walk back up to the bar.

"It has to do with _sex." _I mouthed the last word.

His eyes bugged, but quickly went back to normal because by now I think he was used to me and I doubt there was any question that would surprise him. "Sure…"

We were nearing the bar though, and I wanted this conversation to be private if I was going to finish planning me and Santana's _plan. _"I'll ask you later though."

He said okay and then we went up to the bar. I finished serving my last tables, helped clean up with the girls. It wasn't even midnight yet.

All the girls were out in the bar chatting and I had followed Santana in the back. She was going to change, because she told me that she didn't want to wear her fancy dress to Quinn's, especially if she was going to leave a few hours later and sit in a car for four hours so Marcus and her aunt wouldn't miss their early flight.

"I made you something earlier." I scurried to my purse when we got into our break room. I opened my locker and pulled out a paper flower.

I had picked it from a hanging streamer earlier. So I guess it really didn't count as something I made. "Well, I picked you something earlier." I pulled out the paper flower and walked back to her. "Here." I held the flower out for her.

She was slow to take it from my hands. I think she was confused. Or maybe even shocked. But she took it.

"It's a flower for Valentine's Day." I smiled. Maybe she wouldn't think it was a dumb flower, because it wasn't just paper. And then I glanced around the break room to make sure nobody had snuck in when we weren't looking. It was empty.

So I leaned forward and pecked her on the cheek.

Her face turned so red. And I even think the room got hotter because her face was so burning. It wasn't tomato red like my face got when I blushed, because she's darker, but it was still pretty red.

And then I spun on my heels and skipped out of the break room.


	15. Gummy Bears and Really Nice People

**a/n: Soooo this is a really long one. I almost considered chopping it in half, but then I remembered that you all say such nice things to me and then I decided I wanted to leave it as a really long chapter. I hope you enjoy it :) Let me know. oh and I included a couple of links in in the previous chapter for the songs I used, because I guess I had forgotten to do that before :0**

**And this is the song I would imagine Brittany would choose to play at the party ;) LOL - .com/watch?v=3zAbXzA0y38 (add youtube to the beginning of the link)**

**Chapter 15 : Gummy Bears and Really Nice People**

All the girls had ended up changing out of their outfits, except me. I kept mine on even though there was a duffle bag full of clothes in Santana's car filled with my clothes. The nurse outfit wasn't uncomfortable to wear and there was no point in making more clothes dirty. But mostly I kept it on, because I kept catching Santana checking out my boobs or peeking at my legs when the skirt would ride up.

We were all sitting on the couch in Quinn's living room.

And if I thought Santana's house was big, then Quinn's house was gigantic. Everything looked so expensive and I couldn't believe that Quinn was even letting people stand on the floor let alone drink on the couch. It was one of those couches where you could brush the fuzz one way and it would change to a lighter color. I had been drawing and erasing smiley faces for the past few minutes. It was so soft and I made sure I leaned forward when I drank my beer so I didn't drip on it.

What had started as a small get together ended up as a pretty good-sized party. A lot of the same people from Puck's party had showed up. At first Quinn, me, Santana, Mercedes, and Tina were in the kitchen mixing drinks and just chatting. And then Puck and Finn showed up, and after that more and more and more people kept showing up. So Quinn let me choose music to play on the TV and now a group of us had ended up on the couch.

Santana leaned in and whispered behind my ear, "You can keep your drink in your lap."

She moved back and then I set my drink back on the coffee table and looked at her. "I didn't want to spill." I glanced at the couch we were sitting on.

She leaned back and whispered again, "If you keep leaning forward like that I think Finn might _mangasm." _Her eyes flicked to my chest.

I frowned and looked down at my boobs. "Oh." And then I looked at Finn and we made eye contact for about two seconds before he realized I was looking at him and he _casually _looked over to Rachel and started talking with her. Or started listening to her talk, because I think she had already been talking to him.

I was glad Rachel showed up. Quinn hadn't invited her to start out with, but then she invited Kurt and his special man-friend Blaine and Rachel was friends with them so then she showed up.

I moved my eyes back to Santana. "Are you sure you don't want a drink?" I reached out for my cup and this time pulled it back and rested it on my lap. I didn't mind that Finn was ogling my goodies, but I think Santana minded, because she had kept saying things to him whenever he said anything. She never said anything too mean, only things that made him not want to look toward us.

"I'm leaving Britt. I can't." She pinched her lips to one side of her mouth.

I took a heavy gulp from my beer and rested the cup back on my lap. "Are you sure you're leaving?" I really wanted her to stay. "And you can drink lime soda? I saw some in the fridge."

"Brittany, it's your turn." Sam called towards me.

I looked away from Santana and towards him. He was sitting in a chair he had pulled out from the kitchen right next to Finn, Rachel, and Mercedes.

"My turn what?" I eyed everyone that was sitting around the coffee table.

Puck scooted closer to the table and pointed at a row of cards. Why were they playing solitaire? That was the lamest drinking game ever. "Pick a card sweetheart." He winked at me.

I handed Santana my cup, and put my hand on her knee. I squeezed it so it was easier for me to scoot forward and then sat so I was on the edge of the cushion.

Cards were lined across the table. From highest to lowest. _Pick a card? _Why did I have to keep picking cards? "Uh…" I shifted my eyes from one end of the coffee table to the other end. From _ace _to _two. _"Any card?" I hadn't really paid attention when they explained the instructions and maybe I should have.

"Seven." Santana said so only I could hear. She had been telling me what to say the entire game. I didn't mind. I would have much rather leaned in and looked through Santana's phone with her when Puck was telling everyone how to play. She let me text Hailey again, because even though Santana had reminded me to grab my phone charger I totally had forgotten to grab my phone.

"Seven." I repeated and didn't look back at Santana in case this was cheating…But if it was then I would just tell them Santana was helping me and since she wasn't drinking then she was allowed to help.

"Fuck. What the hell?" Puck cursed and then threw out a card. It was a seven. "How do you keep guessing them?"

I shrugged. So that was what I was doing. Guessing what card he had? Well, that was what Santana was doing. I smiled and peeked over at my shoulder to see Santana with a matching smile. And then I looked back at Puck. "I'm good at this game."

"Drink seven." Finn ordered Puck.

I scooted back and pressed my back as far as I could into the couch cushion, I let it swallow me, and kept myself as close as I could to Santana. We were sitting on a two person couch, and Quinn had been sitting with us until she got up to go to the bathroom. But I didn't want to scoot over in case she came back…And I didn't want to scoot over for other obvious reasons.

My hand was still on Santana's knee. I pulled it away and into my lap. I turned to her and spoke so only she could hear. "Sorry. I forgot."

"It's fine." Santana started to say.

And then Quinn plopped down on the other side of me. "Is it my turn?" She spoke to me.

"Yes..." I said, but had no clue. I wasn't sure which direction we were going.

Quinn took her turn and then Santana tapped my on my arm to get my attention. "I have to head out now." She nodded and gestured her head toward the front door.

I shook my head _no. _"Fine." I pouted.

"Come grab your clothes from my car." She patted my leg and then stood up.

I reached my hand out because I was pretty sure the couch had invisible suction cups. It was so poofy and hard to get out of. Last time I had tried to stand up and use the bathroom I imagine I had probably looked like a beached whale trying to get back in the water. And my skirt had bunched up, but Quinn had fixed it for me right away.

Santana grabbed my hand, giggled because I made a weird noise, and then she pulled me up completely.

"You're leaving?" Rachel was the first to speak.

"No." I answered.

"Yes, because as cool as it is to hang out with you, I would rather go home and bedazzle my Bluetooth so it's ready for the video game circle jerk I'm going to tomorrow. I need it in case someone calls and I have nowhere to set my _controller_." Santana finger quoted the last word. And then she looked to Finn. "That's what you boys do right? You sit in a room and _play _with yourselves_?" _And then she looked back at Rachel.

It was either the alcohol or the complete genius of comedy that Santana was, but I laughed. Not a laugh that was making fun of anyone, because Santana wasn't really making fun. She was just being sassy and sarcastic. Even Mercedes giggled.

I looked to Finn and his mouth kept opening and closing like a goat chewing grass. And Rachel's head was cocked and confused. I didn't think she got the joke.

"So you're not staying to _play?" _Puck spoke. "Maybe I can teach you a few new games?" He was looking at Santana.

The group was shifting their eyes back and forth between the two. Finn was smiling like someone had just told a fart joke and the girls all looked a little offended. Except for Quinn. She looked annoyed.

I didn't really like him talking like that. I didn't like him treating Santana like that in front of people. She wasn't a thing he could play with. And it was guys who acted like him and treated her like that, that made her think that sex wasn't something special and made her hide behind her walls and think that sex was okay only if she was completely hidden.

And I didn't like him talking like that in front of Quinn either. If they had dated, then he should be a little nicer. I wasn't sure whether Quinn still liked him or not, but that didn't matter.

So I spoke up, "Santana told me the last time you tried to teach her something she got in trouble in math class, because she kept mistaking nine inches for two inches." I kind of blurted it all out at once. And Santana hadn't really told me that, but it was the first thing I thought of. And even though it wasn't a complete true story once a boy told me that he was super big and I thought I had gotten my measurements confused because when I went down on him it wasn't as big as I had thought. And the entire time I had been doing that to him I kept thinking about my math test I had just taken and wondering if I could retake it.

Santana had the hugest smile on her face. And Quinn threw her head back, clapped her hands, and let out the biggest laugh. Everyone else had turned their faces away and tried to hide their snickers.

And Puck looked like he hadn't even heard what I had said. He started to pick up the cards and shuffle them. And then I felt bad, because I hadn't wanted to insult him. He had been nice to me and picked me up that one time.

Santana grabbed my wrist and pulled me toward the front door before I was able to apologize. On the way out I looked over my shoulder and held up a finger at Quinn to let her know I would be right back. She was still laughing and nodded as if to say _okay. _

When we were walking through the front yard Santana linked her pinky through mine and glanced over her shoulder at me. I had been trailing a little behind her, because my heels kept getting stuck in the grass. Maybe I should have changed my shoes. "Can I get my shoes from your car too?" I said and looked down at my pumps.

"Yeah. Of course." She slowed down and then started walking in stride with me.

I kept my eyes glued to my feet the entire way to her car, just so I wouldn't step on something weird and fall. And I made little _bop _noises with my mouth each step I took and I blamed that on the beer. Plus, I felt extra giddy because Santana was still smiling, she was holding my pinky, and I just liked being around her.

"Are you sure you're okay with staying with Quinn?" Santana asked when we reached her car. She put her key in the trunk and opened it. "Because you can still come with me. Or stay at my house? Whatever you want to do."

"I'm okay here. I wish you didn't have to go." My giddiness started to drain. I had been so excited about walking with her and having her hold my pinky, that I had forgotten the reason we were walking towards her car in the first place.

Santana pulled out my rain boots and set them on the ground in front of me. She held out her hands, "Here I'll take your heels." I had forgotten we had put my boots in her car instead of leaving them in my locker at work.

I bent over and slipped one off, "You don't think Puck will be mad at me for saying that do you?"

"Puck doesn't stay mad at hot girls." She smirked and grabbed the shoe I had taken off.

I stepped one foot into the _left _rain boot. "I just didn't like him saying that. He's nice sometimes, but he shouldn't say that. And I liked it when he picked me up cause he was super nice," I bent over and slipped off my other heel. I swayed and Santana held out her hand so I could grab it and use it to balance, because I didn't want to touch my bare foot on the road. "And then he called you for me. And he has a cool Mohawk. And it was nice of him to get me another milk at the store that one time. But you shouldn't date him or listen to him unless he says good things about you." I was biting my lip because it was a little hard to stick my foot in the boot.

"You're drunk Britt." Santana giggled and kept a tight hold on my hands even after I had stepped into my other boot.

"A little." I giggled with her.

She let go of my hands and turned to set my shoes in the trunk of her car.

"How far are you driving? Where are you driving? If I had my phone I could text you, but I'll just ask Sam if I can borrow his phone. Maybe I'll try to finish our plan. Well, finish planning our plan. I can't finish the plan if you're not with me."

"Oh God." She hushed and then shot her attention back to my face.

It felt like I had said something wrong. "But I won't tell anyone about the plan. And Sam doesn't have your number in his phone. So he won't know it's you. And I'll use code words. Like I'll say gummy bear instead of…kiss. And chocolate instead of lips. So when I say I want to kiss your lips, I'll just say I want to gummy bear your lips…" I pinched my eyebrows together. "Wait. I mean…gummy bear your…chocolate?" I asked her because I hadn't remembered what I had said.

She laughed and nodded. "Gummy bear my chocolate. Yes." She grabbed the duffle bag out of her trunk and slung it over her shoulder. And then her smiled faded and she watched me for a second. "The plan still makes me nervous." She whispered.

I stepped closer so she didn't have to whisper as softly. And I nodded. "We don't have to do it." I quickly tried to comfort her. "The plan was so you wouldn't be nervous or uncomfortable."

She pulled her lips into her mouth and nodded and she wasn't looking at me, she was looking at the ground. And then she started to crunch and twist the stray rocks on top of the pavement with her shoe. "Okay." She mumbled.

"Santana." I tried to get her attention and I wished I wasn't tipsy because sometimes when drunk people said things it didn't sound as serious. I slid my foot forward and kicked at her foot a few times and then I tapped it with my toe.

I was trying so hard to think of something to say to her. I wanted her to be okay. I wanted her to have what she wanted. And I hated that she was so closed off sometimes. "It's dumb that you're not more..." _Crap, what word was I looking for? _I clenched my fists and snapped my arms so that they were flat against my side. "I hate that people tricked you."

"Tricked me?" Santana voice changed with the question. She was confused now, because that was exactly how her face looked. "What do you mean, tricked me?"

I was getting frustrated, because I couldn't figure out what I wanted to say. I clenched my fists tighter. "I'm sorry!" I hissed and pressed my palms to my forehead.

"Sorry for what Britt?" Santana hushed and I was glad she was being patient with me, because I knew she needed to hear something I just needed to find the right words.

"I'm trying to…" I inched the heels of my palms down and rubbed them against my eyes.

"Hey, don't do that." She laughed softly and grabbed my wrists. "You'll smear your makeup." She pulled my hands down from my eyes. Her smile was so bright and so big and so amazing. And her eyes felt like they were lighting up my whole face. She chuckled and talked through her laugh, "Shoot." And then she rubbed her thumbs around my eyes. "It's okay. You didn't smear it that bad."

I dropped my arms by my side again and held them limp. "See you're so nice to me."

She pulled her hands away and shrugged, "Yeah…"

I took a breath and then clenched my teeth.

"Tricked me how?" Santana repeated her question. Thank God, because I had totally lost my train of thought.

_Tricked, tricked…_I closed my eyes and tried to think. Why couldn't I explain this to her? Why couldn't I think straight? I just wanted her to know that I was mad at people for not treating her right. Was that why I was mad? "I just don't know why someone hasn't swept you off your feet?" I looked down at her feet. "I mean, I'm glad you weren't floating away in someone else's arms when we met, but I don't understand why nobody tells you the truth." I knew I wasn't really making sense. I was kind of jumping from thought to thought and there was no way she would be able to follow anything I was saying.

"And what's the truth? I'm insecure?" She said. My eyes snapped open and up to hers. "The only thing I think about is what others think about me? It's easier to be mean and keep people away and scared than let them get too close? You know what I know Britt," she shrugged and now she looked frustrated and tense, but I knew her frustration wasn't directed at me, "it's fucking impossible to say something honest and true to someone when they make you feel like you're not good enough. What if the truth is awful? And people want to be around someone when they can't figure out how to be good enough, because it's better than not being around _him_." She folded her arms across her chest. "Fuck, if I knew why? If I knew what to fix then I would fix it and I would make it so he would come back to my mom." She pinched her lips and I think it was to keep them from shaking. It looked like she wanted to cry and like she didn't want to cry at the same time. "And now I don't know how you got so close."

How in the heck did I get her to answer my questions without even asking them? Her confession warmed me so much and I couldn't help the swell that filled my chest. I stepped up to her and wrapped my arms around her and squeezed. She kept her arms folded to her chest and let me hug her. "You know why this is called a bear hug?"

"No." She mumbled into my shoulder and I felt her body shift and bubble with a tiny little laugh.

"Well," I squeezed her tighter. "Bears can't handshake, because they have claws. And they can't talk because they bear mouths." I laughed, because I knew I was being super cheesy. "And so, you have to wrap your arms around their entire body so they know that you like them even though for some crazy reason they think that other people don't like them because they're bears."

"Am I the bear?" Santana laughed.

"Or I can be the bear." I squeezed her even tighter. "And you can be the picnic basket."

She laughed loudly this time and so I stepped back. Watching her laugh made me feel so good. I liked watching her do everything. I liked when she opened up and let me see her say things that she had never said before. I liked that not only had she let me on her side of the wall, but she had let me further in and now I was so close and standing right next to her.

"You have nothing to fix about you." I responded to her confession. "Some people just don't know how to see something so bright. And some people don't know how to see things outside of what's hurting them." I took a shot in the dark, but it felt like the thing with her dad was a little complicated. And if Santana had said she begged him to stay and now she just said that she wanted to fix what was wrong so he would come back, I knew that he was somehow making her think she did something wrong. Whether it was on purpose or not. "Some people just don't see things." I shrugged. "But you're one of those people who sees things Santana and you're the sweetest person I know…sweet like a chocolate covered gummy bear."

She rolled her eyes so big, and pulled her smile away from me. "Stop." She laughed. "Soon enough you're going to run out of nice things to say."

"That's when I'll just gummy bear your chocolate. And while we're having our sweet lady kisses I'll think of more nice things to say to you." I bit my bottom lip to keep my smile under control.

"Wow." She laughed again and then walked by me and towards her car door. "How do you keep coming up with these things? You could make the worst person in the entire world feel like a saint." She opened her door, sat in the seat, put her key in the ignition and rolled the window down before she shut her door.

I leaned forward and rested my elbows on the window frame.

She turned her car on.

"Imagine how I could make the best person in the entire world feel." I slid my eyes down her body and stopped at her lap. "If she ever wanted to try that plan."

I looked up and her eyes were locked on my lips. "If you keep saying things like that…" she moved her eyes back up to mine, "I'm going to start believing you." She was teasing.

I squatted and rested my chin on the window frame. "Like I said Santana." I whispered, because I think she felt more comfortable talking about this stuff when we were whispering. But something this big and special didn't need to be yelled, because just thinking about it gave me butterflies. "You're the first person who made me feel like _that. _And it was the most wonderful feeling in the world. And I think only certain people work with other certain people and I was just really specific with who I worked with." Her eyes were running over my face. I believed completely that I was the one she worked with to. Maybe I couldn't prove it yet, because we hadn't tried her, but I knew I fit with her because she was different around me. She was herself around me.

I continued. "We can be whatever you want, whenever you want." I took a soft breath. "And what I want is what you want. But I also want you to know that I'll wait as long as forever if you ever want to do the plan."

Her body looked so calm. I wonder if what she was thinking was also calm, or if her thoughts were running wild and crazy and about to explode from her mouth. She glanced back toward Quinn's house, scanned around the car and then looked at me. "How about we switch the word gummy bear to mean finger and we just leave the word chocolate to still mean _lips_." She was smiling at me as I tried to piece together what she had just said. And then she just explained it herself. "So then I promise that sometime I will let you gummy bear my chocolate."

My eyes shot open again once I had gotten it. And they got even bigger when I wondered if we could just keep gummy bear as kiss…and chocolate as _lips. _

"Okay." I was blushing so big which was silly because I was the one who had made the plan and she was just talking about candy. Goodness, I couldn't begin to imagine my reaction if she had said the real words.

"Brittany!" A guy's voice echoed from Quinn's house. I stood up to see Puck waving at me to come back in. "Dude hurry up. We're going to play another game."

"Okie dokie!" I yelled back and then looked back down at Santana. "I'll see you at work tomorrow." I picked up my bag of clothes and hefted it on my shoulder.

"Please be careful." Santana pleaded with me.

I nodded and now it was my turn to roll my eyes. "I promise. I won't let any of the boys take me home with them."

"Good." She said. "And I already told Puck if he tried anything…" She let her sentence die off. "But I'm sure he'll still try."

Puck yelled again for me to get inside.

"Fucking douche." Santana cursed. She looked back at me, "Okay hurry back in before he wakes up the neighbors."

"Okay." I started to skip off and then I stopped and ran back to her car. "And I totally wish I could _goodbye _gummy bear your chocolate right now, but I think someone would see." I paused, narrowed my eyes, and then thought back to the definitions of these code words. "Wait. I mean. Not that. I guess I could. But usually that's not what people do when they say goodbye." My face was starting to burn so hot. "I, uh, well. Not _finger_." I mouthed the last word and I was pretty sure my face set fire.

Santana put her car in drive. She laughed, "I know." She nodded back towards the house, "Go back in so I can make sure you don't get stolen on the way."

"Okay bye." I waved and when she said bye I darted off and half jog, half walked, to the front door.

When I got to the front door I turned and watched Santana drive away. Puck put his arm around my shoulders, took the duffle bag, and led me into the house. "Now there's those boots I was waiting to see." He shut the door behind us, kept his arm slung over my shoulder and started walking me to the kitchen. "I'll make you a drink before we join the game. What are you thirsty for?" He dropped my bag of clothes on the couch.

"Oh, I wanted to say sorry for saying that math thing earlier." I looked up at him.

He shrugged. "Nah. No worries. Totally forgot about it already."

"And I wanted to ask if you could not say things like that about Santana in front of other people."

He stopped and looked down at me. His eyebrows were raised and he slowly nodded. "Yeah, totally." And then he continued walking me toward the kitchen.

That guy that had asked Santana about the plural of slut at Puck's party stopped us. Him and Puck did a bro handshake, but Puck kept his arm still slung over me. I didn't really mind. I mean, I knew I wasn't going to do anything with him. And I think he kind of knew that too.

"So who's this pretty lady?" The guy looked at me and then his eyes widened. "Hey I remember you. Brittany right?" He held out his hand for me to shake. "Azimio." He repeated his name.

I put my hand in his and it felt so tiny and then he wrapped his other hand over the top of mine.

"It's a pleasure to see you again."

I nodded, because I didn't want to lie and say it was a pleasure to see him too, but I didn't want to be mean and say what I really thought. Or maybe it wasn't mean to say that…I just didn't like what he had said to Santana. I pulled my hand back to myself and stuffed them in the pockets in my skirt.

"And please please please tell me you'll be able to give me a physical." He joked and ran his eyes over my outfit. "Because I have some swelling that hasn't gone down since the night I met you. Figured you could help me out with that."

"Uh?" I raised my eyebrows. "That's okay…" I hushed. I was pretty sure that was a dirty joke and I didn't want to hurt his feelings by saying no, but I didn't want to help him with anything. And now I wished Santana was here, because I knew I was too much of a pushover to say something and I would probably end up giving him the wrong impression.

"Oh, I get it, I get it." The guy slapped Puck's shoulder. "You're already helpin' someone out. Well girl, as soon as you're done with him you head my way. And no need to act shy."

I just slowly nodded my head. It was either that or I shook my head _no, _and I wasn't sure what he would say if I shook my head.

"Now that's what I'm talkin' about. I guess those guys were right about you girl." He nodded and smiled at Puck

I looked at Puck who wasn't returning the smile. "Dude, not cool."

Azimio just shrugged and left.

Right about me? Who was right about what? That I was a nurse? Or that I wasn't a nurse? I didn't really understand who he could have talked too about me. I guess I had known a few guys at the party at Puck's the other night, but I mean, I didn't think they had any reason to talk about me…especially to him.

"You ready for a shot?" Puck started walking me towards the kitchen again.

"Yes." I jumped, spun out of his arm, and then grabbed his wrist and pulled him quicker. If Santana had told him to not make a move on me, _and _he had been super nice and picked me up that one night when I was crying, then he had to be asking to take a shot as just friends.

I dropped his wrist when we were in the kitchen. He reached up and grabbed down a couple of shot glasses and I stood and impatiently waited with my fists balled up and kept shifting my weight from one leg to the other. "Quicker, quicker, quicker." I teased.

He chuckled and set the shot glasses on the counter. "Hold your horses." And then he walked over to the fridge. "Vodka okay?" He opened the freezer door and looked back at me.

"Sure." I smiled.

Quinn caught my attention. She had poked her head in the kitchen. I bounced and frantically waved for her to come and join us.

The smile on her face was super sweet. She immediately walked over and when she reached me I linked my arm through hers. "Quinn wants one too please."

"Comin' up." Puck said and carried the Vodka back to the counter.

As he reached for another glass and started to pour our shots, I talked with Quinn. "This is fun. I'm glad you invited me."

"I'm glad I invited you too." Quinn was laughing and talking at the same time. "How much have you had to drink?" She eyed me.

I shrugged. "Not sure."

"Here you are ladies." Puck held out two shot glasses for us.

I unlinked my arm from Quinn and grabbed the glass. I took my shot right away. Even though it was cold in my mouth, it burned down my throat. It made my body shutter and I had to push my tongue to the roof of my mouth to keep myself from gagging.

"Atta girl." Puck took my shot glass from my hands. "Want another? Cause you were supposed to wait for us." He turned back around set his full glass on the counter, and then started to pour me another shot. I didn't even need to tell him _yes. _

This was awesome. I was taking shots with my friends.

Quinn started to rub her hand between my shoulder blades. "You doing all right?" She was still smiling.

Eventually the cringe on my face disappeared. "Yeah. That was spicy."

"Did you want a soda? Water?" She asked.

Puck turned around with another shot and handed it to me before I was able to answer her. "Okay," he kept his hand on the glass when I reached for it. "Wait for us this time."

"Okay." I licked my lips, because the alcohol had dried them out.

He let go of the glass.

I watched both of them with wide and impatient eyes.

"Cheers." Puck _clinked_ his shot against my glass and then against Quinn's.

I threw my head back with the glass and swallowed the vodka between breaths. The aftertaste stuck to the side of my tongue and I tried to swallow the burn, but it was stuck in my mouth.

Puck took our glasses.

"More?" I asked. I really didn't want to take another shot, because it might make me barf, but I didn't want to stop taking shots with them.

**XXxxxXX**

"Brittany?" Tina laughed and rushed over to catch my hands. It was hard to focus on her face, but I could tell she was smiling. "Don't tip over."

"Not tipping." I responded. "I'm glad I don't have pants on, this is so much easier."

"I'm glad." Tina nodded her head. It was still hard to focus on her face.

"I'm done." I told her. "Do you have to pee?"

"No I'm fine." Tina let go of my hands, but kept them hovering close by. "Finish up and we'll head back out. And it's probably best if you drink water for a little."

"Well sure." I said and stood up quicker than I had expected. It was like a huge rush of movement and felt like I had forgotten to take all my organs with me on the way.

Tina stood nearby until I was able to fix my skirt and then walked with me to the sink.

"Quinn's house is so nice." I snapped my attention back to Tina and missed turning on the faucet a few times, because I wasn't looking at it. "It's really fancy isn't it? Did you see their couches?" I looked back and watched as water ran over my hands. "I was taking shots with Quinn and Puck. Quinn is way nicer than her house." I held my hand under the soap and pumped it so it squirted in my hands. "She's really nice don't you think?" I looked back at Tina. "She is so nice."

"Yeah." Tina shrugged. "Sometimes she can be."

"You're nice too Tina. You're always nice to everyone. That's why we're friends." I smiled at her and then looked back at the water. "You and Quinn should be friends."

She softly laughed. "Well, I wouldn't take it that far. We tolerate each other, but we're not close by any means."

"You know who else is really really really really nice?" I turned off the water and started to wipe my hands on my outfit. "Santana." I felt my eyes widen as I said her name. "I like her a lot." And I could feel my heart swell by just thinking about her. I wanted her here. I liked everything about her. Absolutely everything and I liked finding more and more things that I liked about her, because I was pretty sure I would never run out of things.

"Yeah you guys are pretty buddy-buddy." She grabbed a towel and handed it to me.

"I know, she's so nice. Everyone's so nice." I set the towel on the counter since my hands were already dry.

Everyone was _so nice. _Everyone.

**xxxXX**

"He keeps trying to touch." I whispered into Quinn's ear. "I think he's really drunk." I shifted on Quinn's lap and hugged my arms tighter around her neck. "I was on the couch and he tried to take off my panties."

He had asked me if I had wanted to sit down and chat for a little, so I said yes. And then next thing I knew he was leaning in a little too far on me.

As soon as that had happened I jumped up and darted away and almost knocked Quinn over when I ran into her. She took me to the kitchen, pulled out a chair. But instead of sitting in a chair she had pulled out for me, I just sat on her lap. That way he would think I was busy and occupied if he saw me again. So I kept all of my attention on Quinn and refused to look around in case he was nearby, because if I couldn't see him, then he couldn't see me.

"I had Puck kick him out." Quinn rubbed my back. "I'm sorry Brittany. If it makes you feel better I think Sam took a few swings at him."

I leaned back and looked at her. "He did?" That had kind of shocked me and I wasn't sure if it really made me feel better. "Why did he try to punch him? Did he punch him? I don't want people to fight. They'll break things."

"It's fine." Quinn smiled and rubbed my back harder. "Azimio shouldn't have said those things to you. It's gross. He's gross."

"No." I shook my head. "I just think he was confused cause I didn't know how to tell him I wasn't offering physicals."

**xxXX**

"I was dancing with my beer and it was going all over." I shook the empty beer can in my hand. "But not _all over, _because then I didn't want to spill it, but it did get on my hands. And then I ate some Jell-O shots with my finger, and then people wanted to shake my hand cause they didn't know me." I bent over and set the empty beer can on the linoleum floor of the kitchen. "And I was like, you don't want to shake my hand, and they were like, _no_, I want to."

Mercedes and Rachel and Tina were in the kitchen with me. Rachel had said something about the Jell-O shots a boy had brought so it had reminded me of that.

Everything was moving so quickly. People were talking, looking at each other, and I felt like I needed to slow down and I was getting worried because I didn't want the night to end.

"Where's Sam?" I spun and tried to look for him, but wasn't able to focus on anybody's face.

Mercedes walked behind me, grabbed my shoulders and started to lead me to a different group of people. "He's over here. I've told you a million times." She laughed.

I looked over my shoulder at her, because I knew she was leading me over here so she could talk to him too.

When we reached him I wrapped my arms around his waist. "Can I borrow your phone to call someone?"

"It's like two in the morning." Sam put his arm on my back.

I leaned away from him. "Never mind you don't have it anyway." I rolled my eyes at my own silliness. Of course he didn't have Santana's phone number. I needed to find someone who did have it. "Where's Puck?"

A hand reached out to me and grabbed my own. "Want another shot?" It was Puck. That was easy…

I stepped away from Sam and let Puck hold on to my hand. "Sure." Of course I wanted another shot.

"Puck," Mercedes hissed his name.

"What?" He said back to her. "Look it's fine. I'll pour half a shot."

They said some other stuff that I didn't really hear and then Puck walked me over to the counter with the shot glasses and vodka.

"Can I call Santana on your phone?" I asked, but then remembered how Sam had said something about it being two in the morning. "Wait, no." I pinched my lips. "I don't want to wake her up. Or actually I don't even know if she's sleeping. Maybe she's driving…?"

"You're not going to leave are you?" He slid a shot glass towards me. It was full. "Is everything okay? Cause Azimio is gone. I promise."

"Everything is okay." I laughed. "And he was just drunk. I don't think he knew what he was doing. I think he thought I was his girlfriend. Or his nurse or something."

Puck shook his head and pointed at the shot glass. "Drink that. And who am I to say anything, cause hell, you're fucking fine as hell and I think it's against bro code to tell you this, and I'm sure you already know this, so don't take it the wrong way."

"I won't take any wrong way. Take anything the wrong way…" I corrected myself.

"You are a lot better than guys like that. Next time someone starts doing something like that to you sock them in the nuts."

I dropped my jaw. Weren't they friends? Him and Azimio?

Puck continued. "He totally was being a dick so I can break bro code. He's a cool guy, just sometimes takes things too far. I know lots of guys like that though, so I'll make sure to keep an eye on my friends."

I smiled at him, because that was really nice of him to say even though me and him weren't friends for very long. Or maybe he was just super scared of Santana…

"But I think your buddy Sam enjoyed throwing a few punches. Guys like doing that kind of stuff for chicks."

"Punching?" I picked up the shot glass and just looked at it. And then I lifted it a little higher and looked at him through the glass.

"Yeah, totally. You guys must be dating right?" Puck drank his shot.

I drank mine and it didn't taste like anything.

"No. Sam is my friend." I set the empty shot on the counter. "So it's too late to text Santana you think? Maybe she'll sleep through it and then just see it in the morning…if she's sleeping."

Puck pulled out his phone. "What do you want me to say?" He peeked up from his phone at me.

"Say…" I smiled. "Hm…say, goodnight. No. Say, Brittany says here's a goodnight chocolate. No. Goodnight gummy bear." I cleared my throat. "Say…Brittany says here's a goodnight gummy bear."

Gummy bear meant kiss. Right? Yes. Gummy bear means kiss…_Kiss, kiss, kiss_. I repeated it in my head just so I would remember it.

Puck didn't question me at all and just typed the message. "Done." He stuffed the phone in his pocket.

**xxXXXXX**

My eyes were closed. It felt good, because when they were open it made me feel sick. And now I was lying on Quinn's lap. I didn't feel as drunk anymore. I was able to start thinking and hearing and processing everything again. But now it just felt like I was sitting in the middle of a merry-go-round.

I pressed the heels of my feet harder into the floor, thinking that would help slow everything down. Like an anchor.

I was on the couch. I knew that. And I was resting my head on Quinn's lap. I think a lot of the people from the party had left, because it was a little quieter. Or maybe everyone was just outside, because there were people out there smoking last time I checked.

Quinn was rubbing my back again. She must have thought I had passed out. But I hadn't completely. I had just closed my eyes, and it was like I was asleep, except I could hear stuff.

My body heaved.

I puked.

It came out slow and I could feel it crawl and burn and seep up my throat. I let it push past my lips and it almost felt like it was burning my cheek.

The puking was slow. Almost gently. That was a relief, because sometimes it hurt to puke, but this didn't hurt.

"Brittany?" Quinn said my name.

I heaved again and more came up and now it was pooling on her lap and getting all over my face.

I wanted to move, because I didn't want to puke on her. But I couldn't move. My body just didn't have the energy to do it. So I just let vomit keep coming up and cover on Quinn's lap.

"What's wrong?" I heard Rachel's voice. She was nearby.

"She's getting sick. Brittany, are you awake?" Quinn pulled my hair out of my face. "Brittany?"

"Oh God." Rachel gasped and now she was even closer. "I'll get you some towels. And I'll get one of the boys."

And with that Rachel's feet quickly patted away.

"It's okay sweetie." Quinn pulled more hair away from my face.

"Hm." I tried to apologize. This was gross. I knew this was gross, but for some stupid reason I couldn't make myself want to get up and stop. I just wanted to lay there and lay on her and go to sleep. I wanted this night to end, and nights ended when sleep happened.

Rachel came back. "Here," she said.

Quinn shifted and then I felt something wet and soft rub against my cheek.

"She doesn't usually get this bad." Rachel started.

I wished I could have smiled. That was sweet of her. She was standing up for me, or defending me, or something.

Rachel continued. "She drank a lot. But she doesn't usually get sick like this."

The towel was still wiping around my face.

"It's Puck. He was feeding her shots like candy." Quinn sounded irritated and it made me feel so bad. How awful. This is awful and humiliating and so disgusting. Way to go me…way to gross out one of the nicest girls you know.

I wanted to say sorry so bad. How stupid. I'm stupid. This is stupid. Why did I drink that much? I should have stayed in the bathroom instead of stumbling back out and plopping down on the couch with Quinn. She didn't need to be here and she didn't need to see me like this.

"Well, Sam said he's on his way in. He can carry her to the bathroom."

"Yeah," Quinn sighed. "Brittany, sweetie." She hummed my name and I felt her fingers tapping against my neck, begging me to wake up.

"I'm up." I mumbled and my cheek scratched against Quinn's damp and vomit stained jeans.

Someone grabbed my hand. It was Rachel. "Brittany. We're going to walk you to the bathroom. Can you walk or do you want Sam to carry you?"

_I can walk. I can walk. I can walk. _

"Whoa. Brittany." Sam spoke. He must have just showed up.

I need to get up.

I forced my hand to move. I pulled it away from Rachel and pressed it hard into Quinn's lap and pushed myself up. At the same time I opened my eyes and they rolled and stung and were so heavy, but I was able to see a very blurry Rachel crouching down in front of me.

My body swayed and would have kept going if Quinn hadn't caught my shoulders.

"Here." Rachel whispered, but was looking at Quinn. She handed her another towel.

I looked down at Quinn's lap. _Fucking disgusting. _I should have stayed in the bathroom. Why did I need to come out? I didn't need to puke on her and I didn't need to make it so everyone saw my puke and so my friends had to help me. I wasn't a baby and here I was acting like one.

"I can walk." I groaned. "I'm sorry…"

"Are you sure?" Sam was sitting on the couch next to me and his arm was squeezing my bicep. "It's no problem I can help."

I shook my head and pressed my fingers into the side of my head. Maybe that would make everything stop spinning. I wanted to fall asleep. So bad. I wanted this to all go away. Maybe if I sat here long enough they would think I was okay and then they would just leave me to myself so I didn't gross them out even more.

But I needed to help Quinn clean off her pants, because I was sure she didn't want to touch my nasty puke. I opened my eyes and they rolled again and it took a little longer this time for the fuzziness to go away.

Rachel's eyes were locked on mine. "Come on." She stood up. "Let's get you to the bathroom."

I didn't say or do anything, because I was afraid if I did respond, it would suck all the energy I had left. And then I took a deep breath fumbled my hands around the couch looking for something to help push me up. But Sam just pulled me up without having to ask.

"Uh oh…" I felt my body rock and I couldn't even balance.

Sam held my arm and Quinn was standing and holding my other arm.

"Hold the _horseys_…" I mumbled again and closed my eyes so I could let my body settle.

Everyone stood still and waited. This was the perfect opportunity to say something. "I'm sorry. You can just leave me in the bathtub if you want." That was what I did at my house when I felt sick. And once or twice my mom had walked me to the bathtub and left me there with a cup of water and my phone. Usually I would fall asleep, wake up a few hours later, and then stumble to my own bed and pass out again. It was easy, simple, and that way I didn't wake up people and if I did end up getting sick I could just turn the shower on and not ruin my bed.

Quinn laughed, but didn't laugh at me. "We're not going to leave you in the bathtub Brittany."

"I'm so sorry. This is gross. I know it's gross. I won't ever do it again. I promise."

Quinn spoke again, "It's just puke. It washes off."

"Ready?" Sam asked me.

I nodded and started walking. It wasn't as bad as I had expected. I didn't tip or anything like that.

And for the first time the entire night, and the first time since I had met her…I was glad Santana wasn't here. It made my heart sink just thinking that thought because I wanted her so bad. But I didn't want her seeing this. I didn't want her to have to take care of me, when she needed so many things in her life. She needed to be given so much and I couldn't afford to make her give me things.

For that matter, I couldn't afford to make my friends do this either. "Sorry." I whispered again.

We were in the bathroom. I was sitting leaning against the wall. Sam stepped away, but kept close. Quinn kept ahold of my arm. Rachel was walking around grabbing towels and getting them wet.

"I got it from here." Quinn said.

"Are you sure?" Sam asked.

Quinn looked to him and they whispered a few things.

Sam looked back at me. "I'm going to hang out for a little longer with the guys. I'll be outside." He stepped toward me and pulled his phone out of his pocket. He held it up between us. "Here. I'll let you borrow this." He put the phone in my pocket. "I got a few of the guys numbers in there already. Puck, Finn, Mike. And Mercedes is still outside and her number is in there."

I smiled, "That's cute."

He blushed. "Yeah. Well," he patted my pocket with the phone. "You call whoever you want to get ahold of me. If you need to. And when I go home I'll have my sister's phone. And her number is in there. Okay?"

"Okay." I smiled.

"Okay." He turned and left the bathroom.

"I'm going to lose it, huh?" I looked to Rachel. She was folded a little towel on the counter. Even if she did tease me about losing stuff all the time and was kind of pushy, she was super thoughtful. She brought me spare outfits to work, she braided my hair, and now she had just defended me around Quinn and said that I didn't usually do this.

She turned to look at me and scoffed. "Probably." She smiled though.

"Look Rachel," Quinn spoke, "I can get her changed and cleaned up if you wanted to head out?"

The less people that were in here the better. Plus Rachel already thought my puke was gross. I knew that from experience.

"I can help." Rachel offered.

"I would rather someone were out there watching the boys." She nodded toward the door. "Plus Finn is waiting for you to head back outside."

Rachel smiled and now she was blushing. "Fine." She looked between me and Quinn. "I'll be right out there Brittany. Call me back in if you need help."

Rachel left and shut the door behind her.

"Are you going to be sick?" Quinn glanced down at the toilet and then back at me. "I'll sit in here with you. Or, if you want Rachel back I can get her."

I tried to remember if I was going to be sick. I felt better though. Just kind of dizzy and tired and heavy. "But your pants…And no you're fine here. Rachel doesn't like puke." And I felt kind of really bad, because I think Quinn had just offered Finn to Rachel, just so I would feel more comfortable. And I think Quinn kind of had a thing with Finn.

"My pants are fine." Quinn rolled her eyes. "Did you want to just sit in here and see if you'll get sick?"

I wanted to disappear. I wanted to go hide in a little hole and make a time machine and make it so this had never happened.

"I want to make this go away." I looked down at my outfit. There was a stain down the front of it. It wasn't that big, but that was because most of it had gotten on Quinn.

"I can turn the shower on?" Quinn bent down and caught my eyes with hers. "I can help you wash off? Want to do that? Cause it's in your hair." She pinched her lips into a straight line and then reached one hand up to graze a piece of my hair.

"Okay."

Quinn helped me zip down my outfit and it fell to my feet. She held both of her hands and I stepped out of it. It felt like I was in that cave I had wanted to crawl in, because I had the worst tunnel vision. I couldn't really see anything that I didn't force myself to focus on.

I moved so slowly, because I was terrified of getting sick again.

"Do you want to take off your bra and underwear?"

My heart skipped when she asked that. Not because of any sexual reason, but just because that was what had happened. I think most people would react the same way. That wasn't a typical question. And my heart skipped, because my brain had to process the question and go into overdrive to figure it out.

But I wanted to shower and I didn't want to shower with clothes on. And I really didn't care.

I let go of Quinn's hands and hooked my thumbs around the waistband of my underwear. I slipped them down and let them drop to my feet.

Quinn pulled her eyes away and nearly ran to the shower. She leaned in and turned it on for me. And when she turned back she kept her eyes up. "Do you want help with your bra?" She whispered and then she walked over to the bathroom door and locked it.

"I can get it." I pulled the straps off my shoulders and I knew I looked clumsy and silly as I jerked the straps down and then twisted the hooks in the back to the front. I unhooked it and dropped it.

And then I folded my arms across my chest, because I think Quinn was a little uncomfortable. I didn't care if she saw. She was a girl. I was a girl. But I did care if she was uncomfortable and some girls were uncomfortable seeing other girls naked. I didn't need to give her any more reason to not like me, because I liked Quinn and I wanted her to be my friend.

She put her fingertips on my elbow and guided me to the shower.

"Careful. Step over the edge carefully." Quinn ordered softly.

I was careful. One leg over. Then the next.

The water felt numb against my skin. I held my breath, closed my eyes, and then stepped under the shower. I stood there until I couldn't hold my breath anymore and then I took a small step back and gasped for air.

I still had my hands over my chest, because Quinn was still here.

"Do you want shampoo?" Quinn asked.

I nodded my head yes, but didn't pull my hands away from my chest. Now I wasn't sure what to do. So I just stood there like a dummy and started to shiver because it was getting cold.

Quinn reached in, grabbed a bottle of shampoo, squirted a little in her hand and then told me to turn.

So I turned with my back to her and she started to help wash my hair. It was so nice of her. Now I didn't have to make her see my boobies.

It didn't make sense why everyone was being so nice to me. It was weird.

"You don't have to help." I told her as her fingers scrubbed through my hair.

"Well, I'm not going to leave you in here to fall. And I don't mind." She said and I believed her…So I let her finish helping.

We rinsed my hair, put conditioner in it, rinsed that out, and then she shut the curtain and handed me some body wash. I finished and told her I was clean. She leaned back in and shut the water off for me and then wrapped me up in big comfy towel and even wrapped my hair in a cool towel turban.

I was glad that the alcohol was wearing off a little more. Not much, but I wasn't nauseous and I didn't keep almost tipping over anymore.

We snuck through the hall and to her room where my duffle bag was. She had brought it up here for me earlier.

I put on clean underwear. She let me borrow a big t-shirt and even though I wanted to snoop around her room and look at her stuff, because her room was super cute, I just crawled into her bed and closed my eyes.


	16. The Differences

**a/n: Thank you for your patience. I had meant to have this up yesterday, but I worked and slept a lot...Oh and thanks again for your patience regarding last chapter. I know half of it didn't even have Santana, but I promise there is a reason for the things I write, and a character develops from everything in their life. So enjoy this chapter :) I think you will. And thanks Stephanie ! **

**Oh and the song - .com/watch?v=-ylyBq1OFaY (put youtube before the dot)**

**Chapter 16: The Differences**

It was morning. I knew that because when I had tried to open my eyes the sun punched me in the eyeballs. So I had snapped them back shut and even covered my face with my hands. Why was Santana's room so bright? She usually shut the curtains, and even so if they hadn't been shut the sun was never that bright.

I groaned and rolled over. Where was she?

With my eyes closed I scooted across the bed and stopped when I pressed against her back. Silly Santana must have rolled away in the middle of the night or maybe I rolled away. I lifted my arm over her, nuzzled into her back and hugged her as tightly as I could.

Her breathing changed and she must have woken up. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up." I squeezed impossibly tighter around her body.

She smelled a little different. Not bad different. Just different. Maybe she got new shampoo…

What if I tried the plan now? What if I sneak attacked her? That way she wouldn't have to worry or think about it and we could kind of just make it up as we go, because I had totally forgotten to ask Sam last night about some _stuff. _But morning sexy _stuff_ would be kind of hot.

I moved my hand down, slipped it under the bottom of her shirt, and pushed my hand up her stomach. Her skin was soft, smooth.

It wasn't _her _skin though.

_Fuck. _

Everything rushed back from last night. All my memories had come back at once and it felt like my brain would explode any second. The party, Santana leaving early, Azimio, Puck giving me shots, Quinn helping me shower… And I wanted to stop my hand, but I couldn't. I was already doing it. I had grabbed her boob and already squeezed it.

Quinn went stiff. I could feel everything about her tense. Her muscles, her breathing…

_Fuck. _

Her reaction sent what felt like an electric snap through my body. I jerked my hand out of her shirt and skittered away so fast. One second I was spooning her and the next I was flying backwards off the bed.

I hit the ground hard. A sharp pain shot up through my tailbone. But that didn't stop me. I kept moving backwards and probably looked like the most terrified crab in the world. I didn't stop until I hit her wall with a loud _thud. _The dresser next to me shook and some of the things on top of it tipped over and fell down to the floor. Lip gloss, a hairbrush, jewelry.

Quinn shot up from the bed. "Brittany!" She rounded the bed and walked up to me. "Are you okay?" Her eyes were wide.

I nodded frantically. I was fine. My butt hurt and maybe it felt like my heart had just smoked a bunch of crack and now felt like a bunny rabbit heart about to explode, but I was fine. _This_ wasn't fine though. "I can't believe I did that." I blurted. "I'm so sorry. I forgot I was here. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry."

My face was so red and I felt so humiliated. And then I remembered I had puked all over her and I felt my face burn even brighter. I couldn't even make myself look at her. Dear God. What the hell was wrong with me? Could I have possibly done anything anymore stupid and weird?

From the tops of my eyes I watched Quinn cock her head and then she crouched down in front of me. "Brittany, it's fine." She smiled and it was so soft. But the smile only caught my attention for a second, because her eyes were _so so so so_ pretty. So green and so distracting.

_Wait…It's fine? _"How?" I questioned. "It's not fine. I'm so dumb. I didn't mean to. I swear it was an accident. I swear. I was just thinking…" My eyes widened. _Stop. _I need to stop talking or I'm going to say something and she's going to find out about me and Santana. I hoped I hadn't already said something too obvious…But I doubt it. Nothing was more obvious than me sliding my hand up her shirt.

My heart was still pounding. _Pound, pound, pound. _

I stuffed my face into my hands and slammed my eyes shut. "I'm so sorry Quinn. And I even got puke on you. I'm so sorry. You're so nice for being okay about everything. You didn't have to help me like that, because it was super gross. I know it was. But then you went out of your way and let me stay in your bed and even let me use your shampoo. And your house…" I was rambling and mumbling into my hands. "Uh oh. The couch? Did I ruin the couch?" I still couldn't make myself look at her. "I can clean it. I'll clean it. I knew I should have just locked myself in the bathroom and passed out in there instead of coming back out to find you. Next time I promise I won't puke on you. I'll never puke on you again. I don't know why I puked."

Quinn grabbed my wrists and pulled my hands away from my face. "Brittany." She wasn't smiling or laughing. She was dead serious. "Stop. Okay. I said I was fine. So it's fine."

It made me stop. Made everything stop. My breathing, my heart, my thoughts.

"Stop apologizing. Okay?" Quinn didn't blink and stared until I slowly nodded. "Okay good. You're a nice person too, so accept some help because you sure as hell deserve it."

I gulped.

Quinn sat down in front of me on her knees. "You are the only person I know who thinks absolutely everything is her fault."

I was still holding my breath and I refused to blink my eyes.

"Obviously it's not all your fault." Quinn continued.

What's not my fault? But I was too scared to ask. This must have been the version of Quinn that intimidated everyone. But it wasn't scary. She just had a way to make people stop and do whatever she wanted. Some people didn't like being told what to do or think, but I sure as heck liked it. It made things easy, because now I felt like she was just going to say exactly what needed to be said and tell me how to fix this mess I had caused.

"I like you Brittany." Quinn said and then her eyes went wide and her face went white. I knew she hadn't meant to say it. Or she had said it, and now she thought it sounded wrong.

I gulped again. She liked me? Like I liked Santana? "Uhh…" My voice was shaking, my face was burning, and every single muscle in my body was stiff.

"Not like that." She shook her head, and waved her hands at me and now I was even more confused, because I couldn't tell if she was telling the truth or not. "Not…I don't know. You're easy to be around. You're the type of girl who could walk all over everyone and yet you let everyone walk all over you…I feel like I don't have to compete with you."

What the hell was she talking about?

"But it's not your fault, because I was the one who helped you _shower_…"

I shifted my eyes around the room and then rested them back on her. "Thanks." I said it hesitantly, because now I wasn't really sure what was okay and what wasn't okay to say. I didn't want her to tell me to stop saying thank you too.

_Compete? _Had she just said something about competing? Was she talking about Santana? I kind of assumed that was an aspect of their friendship. Or what they considered a friendship, because I was pretty sure that Quinn was just friends with Santana's walls. And I didn't know Quinn well enough to tell how she fit in with Santana. But I knew that they both needed each other and at the same time couldn't stand to be around each other. Like they were standing on a plateau made for one person and if one got off then the plateau would tip over. I figured that was why they stayed friends after everything. So they didn't fall, because there wasn't really much to hold on to at the top of a plateau.

"Now," Quinn stood up. "Let's get you ready for work."

"Are you sure that it was fine?" I whispered. But I _had _to make sure. I didn't want to lose Quinn as a friend. I liked her too. "Cause I know friends don't touch like that."

"We can talk about it later, if you want." Quinn held her hand down to me, "but it's fine." She finally smiled.

I let her help me stand up and now my brain remembered that I was hung over and it started to throb.

"Just," Quinn hesitated with her smile. "_We'll _talk about it. It's not really that big of a deal, but I don't want the other girls butting in."

I nodded. That made perfect sense. Just like I didn't want other people knowing things about me and Santana yet, because we still weren't sure exactly where we stood with each other. It was easier to figure things out when things were quiet and calm. Plus, I was pretty sure Quinn wouldn't want to go around talking about how I had slid my hand up her shirt, because I was still convinced that _that _wasn't what friends did together and the last thing I wanted to do was make Quinn feel embarrassed.

But I kind of wanted to tell Santana. I didn't want her to get the wrong idea or hear it from someone else. I knew I hadn't done anything wrong, because this was an accident, but I still wanted to tell her. Maybe I still could. I could ask her to keep it a secret, because I trusted her and I knew she would never ever ever ever do something mean to me.

"Okay." I said, because I was entirely confident that this would stay between us even if I told Santana.

**xxXXxx**

Quinn dropped me off at work. She didn't work today, because it was her day off. I think that was a good thing, because I wanted to give Quinn time to process what had happened and what I had accidentally done. But she promised we would talk about it over lunch soon. Before I had gotten out of her car I thanked her, but didn't apologize. I said, _I'm glad you didn't unfriend me, _and then I ran off before she could realize that was just a roundabout way of me apologizing.

So I worked, kept myself busy and distracted, and waited for Santana…

And finally she showed up. I was behind the bar with Rachel when she walked in the front door and I would have hopped over the bar and ran to her if I hadn't been in the middle of a conversation.

I snapped my attention back to Rachel.

"…so I think he's actually coming down to sing. Can you believe it? I'm so nervous. I mean, what if he can't sing? I'm sure he can. But still, what if he's awful?" Rachel held her hand up to cover her chest. "I can't have thoughts like that. I need to be positive."

I replayed the conversation through my head…She was talking about…Finn? Yes. Finn. It was open mic night all week long and I guess he had told Rachel last night at the party that he was coming to sing a song.

"Sam is singing too isn't he? I convinced him to. It didn't take much convincing, because he said you had been begging him to show up on open mic night and sing since the moment you found out about it." Rachel raised an eyebrow at me.

I snapped my hand down to my pocket. Good, his phone was still there. I could give it to him when he showed up later.

"You seem a bit distracted." Rachel ran her eyes over me and she was already forming her own opinions about why I was so distracted and I knew she would never know exactly _why. _I figured she was thinking it was because of how drunk I had gotten last night. Rachel _always _said something about drinking…

"Oh," I remembered that I wanted to thank her, "thanks for helping last night. And I'm sorry." I paused to replay the word _sorry. _Was it okay to say sorry? I should say sorry, right? Now I was confused about using the word sorry…Maybe Quinn just wanted me to not apologize to her about stuff. That whole thing with her this morning was so confusing and Quinn was probably the hardest cookie to crack in the entire world. Or maybe the second hardest, because sometimes my mom was a pretty tough cookie.

I just needed to talk to Santana.

Rachel _tsked_ and then leaned against the bar. "I'm not going to say it's fine, because it's not fine. You really do need to be careful Brittany. You're lucky that someone didn't take advantage of you…" She paused and started to examine me. I could feel her eyes almost burning holes through me. "But I was glad to help and you were lucky I hadn't decided to leave early." She cringed now and I think it was because she had remembered the puke.

"Sometime we should get you drunk." I smiled at her. She deserved a night of fun. Rachel needed a chance to loosen up and she was one of those people who needed to be encouraged to do so. "It will be fun. I'll make you margaritas until you drop."

Rachel pursed her lips. "Oh I don't know about that." She shook her head. "I mean, I love hanging out with everyone like that, but I don't think bottomless margaritas are my cup of tea."

"Fine, we'll just do shots. Tequila." I nodded. That was a better idea. Margaritas sometimes made people get brain freeze and I would have to get a blender dirty.

"We'll see. Probably not. I don't have a reason or a need to get that drunk." Rachel swallowed her words and then she went and checked on some of her customers.

And then I was stuck at the bar, because Rachel decided to take her break then. I couldn't go find Santana and why did Rachel _need _to take her break at the exact moment Santana showed up. I wanted to talk to her so bad. So very bad, and I figured she was in the back unloading boxes or stocking shelves.

Time moved so slowly and I helped the customers as fast as I could, because I figured doing that would make Rachel come back out faster.

And the second Rachel walked out from the back I sprinted through the swinging bar door. Santana was standing right there. Right by a rack of champagne bottles and I think I startled her a little bit, because I had smacked the door against the wall.

She smiled through her startled expression. "God Brittany! Why are you slamming doors?" She went back to the rack of champagne bottles and started to organize it.

"Looking for you." I returned the smile and my entire mood softened and it felt like if I had to wait any longer to talk to her and explain everything to her, then something bad was going to happen and I would have started hyperventilating or my brain would have fallen out.

I walked over to the bottles and each step closer to her my smile grew bigger. How could one person make me feel this good?

"How are you feeling?" Santana ran her eyes over me.

"Feeling?" I paused and raised my eyebrows. "I feel fine?"

Did she already know I had been nearing explosion from confusion and anticipation?

"Rachel thinks we're friends," Santana rolled her eyes, "and she spent her _entire _break telling me about how very intoxicated you got last night."

"Oh." I frowned. I guess Rachel wouldn't be Rachel if she hadn't shared that information with whoever wanted to listen. I mean, I guess I didn't mind that she had told Santana, because I really didn't care about that kind of thing, but I should have figured that was why Rachel was in the back for so long, because she usually took her breaks out front at a booth.

"I tried to walk away, but she kept cornering me…" Santana cringed. "I blame you for this." She smiled and teased and then went back to moving a few bottles around.

I watched her in silence. She was kind of mesmerizing. I could watch her do anything and I would never ever get bored. Santana could organize champagne bottles for the rest of her life and I would want to watch her do it for the rest of my life.

She took a deep breath and then turned to look at me, "And she said something about Azimio?" Santana set a bottle back on the rack and locked her eyes on mine. For a second I thought she was going to be mad at me, but then I internally slapped myself, because that wasn't who Santana was. I was just used to the people I was _dating _getting jealous over things like that and not understanding or wanting to understand. But were me and her dating? I still wasn't sure what we were…I guess we had never really decided. We had just decided that we were a secret.

Santana looked almost sad. Maybe sad is the wrong word. She looked worried, maybe even scared.

"Oh that was nothing." I shrugged. And it really wasn't that big of a deal. Boys can be boys sometimes. "He just got confused I think."

Santana clenched her jaw and then her face relaxed for a little so she could try to smile. But the smile came out sad and small and didn't make me feel happy at all, because it made me feel like something was crawling in my stomach.

"I should have stayed. I swear next time I see him I will-" And the way she spoke was so intense and so furious. Her words were sharp and hard. But not as hard as her face. "Fucking ridiculous. Puckerman is a fucking idiot…And where the hell was Quinn?"

"Santana it's fine. Sam already punched him." I tried to calm her down.

And it seemed to work, because now she really smiled and then nodded. "Good." She started to scoot the champagne bottles back. But she looked so _angry. _And maybe that was a reason she had such huge and strong walls, so she had something to stop her from lashing out at people more so than she already did.

Her reaction…I liked it. I didn't ever expect someone would think to get mad at the _other person _about something like that…but she had gotten mad at him, not me...If she was mad at me she wouldn't have smiled.

I wanted to ask her if she was confused. I was the one who had led Azimio on, I was the one who had worn that outfit…And I was the one she should get mad at. Azimio had nothing to do with mine and Santana's relationship and there was no point in blaming him. But there was something else I wanted to talk about first.

"Can I tell you something?" I tiptoed closer to her and I even whispered. I didn't want someone else hearing this, because Quinn made it very clear that she didn't want the girls knowing.

Santana's body stuttered. She looked at me and she looked so small and scared and almost hurt. But she shook that off and nodded that it was okay.

"I accidentally did something."

And now Santana was frozen. She looked like a frozen snowflake that was about to melt in someone's palm. All the color drained from her face and maybe that was because her heart had stopped beating.

"I, uh. It was an accident. And now I'm confused…" I tried to figure out what Santana was thinking, but I knew I was going to cause her to freak out if I didn't finish what I was saying. So I continued, "I accidentally grabbed Quinn's boob. But that has to be a secret."

I was pretty sure that was the last thing she expected me to say. Because she moved her head back, widened her eyes, and had the most dazed look of confusion on her face. It looked like I had just made up some insane story and she wasn't sure how to react.

I swallowed the frog in my throat. "I woke up and I thought she was you," I lowered my voice so low, "and so I scooted over and I wanted to surprise sneak attack you with the plan and then I didn't want to open my eyes, because the room was bright. So I just slid my hand up her shirt…"

Santana dropped her jaw.

"But I stopped once I realized what I was doing." I shifted my eyes around just to make sure nobody had walked up without me noticing. "And I also noticed cause your boobs are _bigger." _I said that last word so so so softly.

Santana laughed. It was soft and only one short breathed laugh. And it looked like she hadn't expected to laugh because she wasn't smiling, she still looked shocked.

I stood still cause I was waiting for her to say something.

She laughed again and a smile pulled across her face. Her laugh was cute, contagious, and it started to make me laugh.

She curled over into herself and was laughing so hard. And I was laughing because she was laughing and I guess because the story was kind of off the wall. I guess I hadn't realized it until I told her. It felt like I had told her something completely serious and now it wasn't as serious and I felt so much better.

"Oh. My. God." Santana said in between her laughs. She wiped tears from her eyes. "Don't scare me like that." She reached over and slapped my shoulder.

Scare her? I smiled. She did like me, because people didn't get scared for things like that unless they liked someone…

And then I spoke, because I still wanted to ask her advice. "So do you think Quinn is okay with it? She seemed fine in the morning after I did that, didn't kick me out of her house."

Santana laughed again for a second. "Only you could do that to Quinn and not have her flip her shit. And you puked on her. Oh my God this is genius." Santana was laughing again. Rachel must have told her that.

My eyebrows shot up. "Wait!" I hissed. "Has someone done that before?" My heart fell. Were Quinn and her…Santana had already told me she wasn't with a girl before me.

Santana shook her head. "No." The question seemed to have deadened her laughter, and I was glad she took it seriously and didn't get offended when I asked, because it meant that I wasn't the only one who thought the relationship between two girls should be serious, and me and Santana were serious.

Now it was my turn to relax. "Okay good."

"Good why?" Santana ran her eyes over me again, with a smile still plastered to her face.

"I got scared that maybe something with you guys had happened." I shot my eyes open and held up my hands to exaggerate just how crazy this thought was, "But I know, it was just a crazy thought. And you already told me you had never been with a _girl. _And I didn't really think anything like that had happened."

Santana's smile changed and she pulled her lips into her mouth because I think even she knew that her smile was giving her away. She was so very flattered but hiding her smiled wasn't going to hide her reaction, because her cheeks were flushing.

"No." Santana very clearly stated. "You're the first girl…person…I'm-" She stopped talking and then smirked. "Were you jealous?" And she narrowed one of her eyes.

Was I jealous? Maybe. It probably wouldn't have been my favorite thing in the world if she had said something had happened between her and Quinn. Then again, everything would have made sense about Quinn and Quinn's intentions would be totally clear. But I would much rather Santana say that I was her first girl…_Much, much ,much, much_…

"I'm going to take that as a yes." Santana turned back to the bottles with her smirk after I had forgotten to answer.

I talked with Santana some more. I loved talking with her so much. I loved everything she said. She made me feel like the best person in the world. She told me about the drive to the airport, how she had gotten a _mysterious _text from Puck late at night saying something about gummy bears and chocolate. She smiled at first, but then her face went hard again. When she spoke about Puck or any of the other guys she flinched with anger when saying their name. So I changed the subject and said something about Rachel and last night, but I guess Rachel had already told Santana _everything. _

The difference between her and Rachel was, that they both sounded concerned, but I felt like when Rachel said she was glad to help, that was because she wasn't quite sure what else to do and Rachel felt sort of obligated to help me. But Santana spoke to me differently. I felt like she saw something and knew something about me and I kind of wanted to ask her about it, but I didn't think I was ready to know what she knew. So she just told me a few drunken stories about her puking and it made me feel a little better and less embarrassed. It reminded me that I wasn't the only one in the entire world that kind of went overboard sometimes.

Then Mercedes poked her head in the back and asked me to come and help set up the stage. So I waved bye to Santana and followed Mercedes up to the stage. She said we had to switch wires around.

I sat on the stage, cross-legged, and started unhooking stuff.

"You feeling better?" Mercedes asked.

I nodded even though I wasn't sure if she was talking about me feeling better from last night, or me feeling better because I had finally had the chance to talk to Santana. I figured the first one was more likely because Mercedes wouldn't know the second part.

But I did feel so much better. I felt giddy and happy and I was smiling and humming. "Yes." I popped my lips as I said the word.

Mercedes laughed. "So, was Santana laughing because you guys were putting hexes on Rachel? Because I have never seen that girl laugh like that."

I laughed at the memory. And then I smiled, because Mercedes was funny. "Noooo." I sang the word. And then I remembered about her and Sam and wanted to see what had happened with them last night. "So how did things with Sam go?"

She got all shy and pulled her smile away from me and down to the cords that we were switching around. Why were we switching cords anyway? This was dangerous. What if we got electrocuted?

"He's sweet." That was all she said.

"He's coming to sing tonight!" I bounced at the thought. And then I stopped unplugging things, because the speakers were making weird noises when we moved the wires and I really now was convinced I was going to get shocked.

"So I have heard." Mercedes nodded and then looked back up at me. "I'm going to let you get away this time with avoiding my question and changing the subject," she was smiling so I knew she was just teasing, "but I'm on to you Miss Pierce."

"What are you on to?" I questioned and had no clue what she could possibly be thinking. I hope I hadn't said anything too obvious about Santana last night at the party. I did tell Mercedes that I thought she was super pretty, I remembered that, but I say random things like that all the time so it was okay to say that. But I knew I hadn't said anything like I wanted more than anything to kiss Santana, and if I had said it then I'm sure I would have just talked about gummy bears.

"I'm not quite sure yet." She narrowed her eyes at me. "The earrings, the sleepovers, now you're having sleepovers at Quinn's. How Santana watched you like a hawk last night and then how Quinn took her place the second she left. I have known these girls for a few years and only recently have they started to even _talk _to me. And every time they talk to me we end up talking about you."

I hummed and smiled. The thought of Santana talking about me was the best feeling in the world. No. I take that back, because Santana had already given me the best feeling in the world and that feeling had happened on her bathroom counter. Or, maybe that wasn't the best. But it was definitely top three. I liked it when Santana told me things, because it made me feel trusted and important. I think that was number one.

**xxxXXXxx**

I was glad tonight was just a regular weeknight, because I was tired and even though I liked when it was crazy busy, I also liked it when the bar was relaxed and I was able to take my time with customers and I was able to chat with the girls.

But I especially liked it, because I was able to sit down and talk to Sam without getting in trouble. We took a booth near the stage and I picked that booth specially, because I could see someone walking up. I had been dying to ask him some questions and now I had the chance.

I pulled the straw for the lime soda Santana had made for me up to my lips. She made it with cool things in it. Like from scratch. I didn't even know soda could be made from scratch. I thought it just kind of was already made. Like marshmallows and water.

It was sweet and I was glad I had told her to put extra syrup in it.

Sam was eating a taco. He looked up at me with a full mouth, "So you want to sing with me tonight?"

I kept the straw in my mouth and with huge eyes shook my head _no_.

He swallowed his food. "Come on. It will be fun. And I'll be up there so it's completely safe."

I still shook my head no.

"You're good at singing Brittany. And there won't be a lot of people here. It's just like karaoke and you do karaoke all the time at my place."

"This is a lot different." I let the straw fall from my lips and straightened my back. I even folded my hands on the table.

"Look, we'll pick a song and if you don't want to sing when we start, then you can just sit there and hold a tambourine or something. And you'll only have to sing during the chorus so if you don't sing then I'll still be singing. No pressure."

That actually sounded okay. Singing was scary, but Sam was right. It wasn't busy. And I had secretly been wanting to make Will do a Britney Spears night since I started working and I wanted to go up and sing a sexy song. Maybe if I went up there and found out singing wasn't scary then I could finally tell Will about my idea.

Sam smiled and bounced in his seat. I must have nodded _yes. _

"Awesome." He rubbed his hands together and then dug in his pocket. "Here, I printed off a few different options."

I pinched my lips together. He already knew I would say yes.

I dug into my pocket, pulled out his phone and then swapped him his phone for the papers.

I had no clue which song to pick, but I was glad I would only have to memorize a little of it. "Which one do you think?"

He held his hand out for the papers and I gave them back. "Most of these are love songs." He started to flip through the papers. "And they're all acoustic versions," he gestured toward his guitar that he had put up on stage.

"Which one uses a tambourine?" I asked the obvious question.

He smiled. He had the biggest smile, and it always made me feel better. "Any of them. Whatever you want to sing." He fanned out the sheets of paper on the table for me.

I shrugged. And then I picked up the paper that said _Cherry Pie. _That would be fun. And then I picked up the one that said _E.T._

"One of these?" I asked, because this was his decision.

He looked between the papers. "Is your _friend _going to be here tonight?" He looked back up at me.

"What friend?" I asked.

He grabbed the papers I hadn't picked up and then stuffed the un-chosen ones in his pocket. "You know the friend that you were looking at when we danced."

I was pretty sure Santana would be here. So I nodded _yes. _

"Well which one would you rather sing to this _friend_?" He winked

I paused and looked between the two songs. Sam was a genius. This was perfect. Santana deserved someone to sing something about her and this way it would still be kind of secret, because me and Sam would be singing and everyone would just think he was singing about Mercedes or think we just liked the song. Hopefully they didn't think we were singing it to each other…

I read through the lyrics of each song. As much as I wanted to tell Santana she was a cherry pie, I liked the other song a little more. And I didn't want to confuse myself, because then we would have cherry pie, gummy bears, and chocolate.

"This one!" I handed him the Katy Perry song and set the other song on the table.

I took another sip of my soda and he took another bite out of his food. "Awesome, so you just have to sing from here," he pointed at the words _kiss me… _and stopped when he reached the word _extraterrestrial_. "And like I said, I'll sing too."

I nodded and started to study the words. I already knew them, because I had heard this song before, but I wanted them to be stuck in my brain and I didn't want to mess up.

I got halfway through my soda when I remembered the reason I had wanted to sit here with Sam on my break. "Oh!" I set the paper down. "So can I ask my questions now?"

He covered his mouth so his food didn't fall out and nodded that I could.

"So," I scooted to the edge of my seat and glanced to make sure nobody was walking up. But all the girls were at the bar. Santana was filling beers and looked like she was having a conversation with Tina. See…I knew those two could be friends. And Mercedes and Rachel were over by the front podium and talking. "I wanted to ask a weird question…" I leaned over my soda and started to bite and play with the straw.

He swallowed his food, "Go for it." But I could tell he looked a little nervous.

So I carefully worded my words. When I spoke I sat up straight again, and folded my hands again. "Well. I know what a girl does to a guy…when…at third base. Because that's easy." I spoke the next sentence slow so I made sure I was saying it carefully and not giving anything away. "What do guys do to girls?" I was proud of myself. That was clever…

He moved his plate away and cleared his throat a few times. "Uh well," he finally looked at me, "you haven't…had a guy...Had a guy?"

I shook my head _no_.

"Isn't this a question you'd want to ask one of the girls?"

"Definitely no." I answered quickly. Mercedes was getting suspicious, Rachel probably knew just as much as me and if she knew more then I doubted she would tell me, maybe I could have asked Tina but then what if she started to get suspicious, obviously I couldn't ask Santana, and after what happened this morning there was no way I could ask Quinn. Plus, Quinn wasn't even here. And Holly didn't work today or I would have asked her in a heartbeat.

He cleared his throat again. "Well…" His face was bright red. He was sweet. Most guys would love being given this opportunity, well…I think. "What do you think happens?"

I shrugged. "Touching. Like, rubbing. I know that happens." I had to pinch my mouth shut and force it not to smile.

He nodded. His face was so red. I felt kind of bad now for making him turn into a tomato. But I had to know. It was important. "I didn't mean to make you feel awkward." I whispered. "It's just important…"

That seemed to help. He took a breath and swallowed his nerves. "It's fine." He scooted forward a little. "Does this have to do with that _friend." _He winked.

I nodded and smiled.

"Okay well…Uhm. I guess guys just do a lot of touching." He seemed a bit more comfortable.

I nodded. "So, just mostly touching? Like _outside _touching?" My heart skipped at the thought of touching inside of her. And then I shifted and pinched my knees together. "And what about inside…?"

He nodded and I could still see that he was nervous.

So I just asked questions, because I wasn't sure he was quite comfortable enough to explain things. "Like sex, _but with fingers_?" I forced out the last words. Holy crap, I was nervous. And it sure took a heck of a lot to make me nervous about a conversation, especially with Sam.

He nodded again. "Yeah. I guess you could say that."

Okay, that helped. I figured it was like that, but I wanted to make sure. "And sometimes guys go down on girls too right?"

His nod was small.

And then someone scooted into our booth and hit their hip against mine. "Scootch over." It was Santana. She had a lime soda of her own.

It felt like I had turned into a ghost. Why hadn't I been keeping a lookout? Of all the people to sit down, and of all the times she could have come over…I scooted over for her and moved my drink with me.

I didn't look up. I kept so still. I was pretty sure this was a panic attack felt like.

"What are you guys talking about?" Santana looked at me and leaned her head down a little to try and make eye contact with me.

"Songs." Sam answered her. He picked up the E.T. song I had picked and handed Santana the paper. "Brittany is going to sing with me."

"What?" Santana's entire mood skyrocketed. From the corner of my eye I could see her smile, and now I couldn't help but look at her and smile back. "You're singing?" She eyed me and then started to look over the paper.

"I think I'm singing." I answered her. "Sam said if I got too nervous I could just play the tambourine."

She flicked her eyes over to me and then went back to reading through the sheet music.

"Brittany picked the song." Sam spoke. "For her special _friend._"

I kicked his shin under the table, but I think that just made things worse. Because he jumped and said _ow_. I guess him saying that was better than him saying something about how I had been asking those questions_. _ But Sam was Sam, and he wouldn't be Sam if he wasn't a little bit clueless sometimes.

Santana didn't seem mad at all. Maybe a bit taken back, but not mad.

"I mean," Sam corrected himself. "Well." He was searching for something to fix his admission and there wasn't much he could do to fix it.

"Special friend?" Santana smirked from looking at the papers, even though she looked a bit tense and unsure. Her eyes flicked between me and Sam and I think she already knew I had kept my promise about us being secret. "So you're not singing this for Mercedes?"

Santana set the papers down on the table.

Now Sam kicked my shin under the table. "Hey, ow!" I glared at him.

Santana giggled and then rolled her eyes at him. "Oh please, you've been making googly eyes at her from the second you walked in. And last night at the party you kept changing rooms whenever she would walk into a different one. I don't think it's possible for you to be any more obvious."

I smiled. They were getting along. Perfect.

Sam blushed. "Okay fine. Whatever. She's a cool chick."

I nodded vigorously.

"So tell me who this special person is then." Sam still was glaring at me.

I changed my vigorous nod into a vigorous head shake. "No."

Santana laughed.

And then Sam laughed. He looked up at Santana, "Has she told you yet?"

Santana took a drink from her soda, I think so she could think of a response, but then spoke. "I didn't even know she was singing tonight until two seconds ago."

Sam took a breath and then picked up the sheet music. "I'm going to go talk to Will. That's his name right?" He looked at me.

"Will, yes."

"He told me to let him know when I picked a song." Sam said and then scooted out of the booth and walked up to the stage.

I pulled my cup over and started to drink the rest of my soda. I knew Santana was watching me. It was making my heart feel like a butterfly and if I wasn't careful it was going to get out of my chest and fly away.

"You're really singing?" She whispered. "You don't have to do that if you don't want to."

But I kind of wanted to. "I want to sing. And I want you to be sung to."

She dropped her hand underneath the table and stilled my bouncing knee. "You're nervous. I'm just saying you don't have to do this. But then again, I am beyond excited to hear you sing."

I started to tap my thumb against my cup. I needed a way to get my nerves out and now Santana was pushing my knee and keeping it from moving.

**xxXXXXxx**

"Brittany, don't you dare." Rachel snapped. I was standing by the stage and waiting to walk up there with Sam. One of the customers was just about to finish his song. "Open mic night is for the customers only."

I figured Rachel would say something like that, so I made Sam wait until after nine. "I'm off the clock. So I am a customer."

"Brittany don't play dumb."

I ignored her. I hated when she said that. I wasn't playing dumb. I never understood why she even said that sometimes in the first place.

"Brittany." She hissed my name again. "Look, this coming weekend, if you want, _maybe_ Will may consider letting you sing a song. But you've had no practice."

I glanced back at her. I was still mad at her telling me that I shouldn't play dumb. I wasn't even sure why I hated hearing that so much. But I hated it and if Rachel wanted me to do the exact opposite of what she wanted, then all she had to do was say _that. _

The customer's song ended, everyone clapped, and then it was our turn.

Sam put his hand on my back and led me up to the stage. The second I was up there I forgot about everything. About Rachel being upset, about how only an hour or so ago I had been sitting with Santana in that booth and how she had sat and talked with me and said the sweetest things, and she even rubbed my knee for a little until Sam came back. I forgot about my confusion about Quinn. I forgot everything.

Sam led me to the stool, and then pulled up a second stool for him to sit on.

It was so bright. How did people see things up here? I felt so blind and I wanted to find Santana, but I couldn't. How was I supposed to sing a song to her if I couldn't even see her? Wait, what song was I singing? _Crap, crap, crap, crap. _This was a bad idea. I should have listened to Rachel, because sometimes she knew things that I didn't.

Sam pulled the mic stand to sit in between us. And he spoke into it. "Hello, we're going to sing a song by Katie Perry." How did he seem so calm and cool? I was freaking out. I gripped the rim of the stool I was sitting on and squeezed it so tight. I forgot the stupid tambourine…

I heard someone cheer my name and it sounded a lot like Puck.

"Oh, and if my friend here doesn't end up singing, then she's up here because she's making the stage look pretty." Good, he must have realized I forgot the tambourine.

Puck hooted again. He should probably stop doing that. I think Santana was pretty pissed at him and he should probably not draw attention to himself.

Sam started to strum his guitar and all my thoughts disappeared. "_You're so hypnotizing. Could you be the devil? Could you be an angel? Your touch magnetizing…" _

Sam sung and played and the closer he got to the chorus the harder my heart pounded. I couldn't even breath, so there was no way I could sing.

Everything was dead silent. Except for the song, of course. He was good. Very good. I wished I could be brave and sing, but I knew I couldn't. I didn't even remember the words. But I did remember Santana and I was glad I was up here and that at least she knew I wanted to sing this song to her. That was better than nothing.

But still. Why did I do this without thinking it all the way through? This was awful and scary.

When the chorus was almost here Sam looked at me as he sung.

I tried to be subtle when I shook my head _no. _

He just smiled and looked back forward and sung the chorus by himself. "_Kiss me…kiss me, infect me with your love…" _

And for the rest of the song I just watched him sing. I felt bad for getting his hopes up. That was okay though, he wouldn't be mad. I think he kind of knew I would freeze. Maybe.

At the end lots of people cheered. I rushed off stage, because the quicker people couldn't see me the better. I ran straight for the customer girl's bathroom and straight in to the handicap stall. I felt so hot and maybe a little nauseous. That was awful. Super scary. My heart was in my throat and I was shaking like a scared little leaf. And my skin felt sweaty and sticky and now I was pretty sure I was going to freak out and run out of breath.

I had so much more respect for the girls and a hundred-billion times more respect for Santana and how she had sung me that song the other night. That must have been almost impossible. Singing your feelings was scary.

Someone tapped against my stall door. I held my breath.

"Brittany." Santana whispered.

Immediately my mind flashed back to that night at my house when she had tapped on the bathroom door while I had been trying to clean it. How did she know when and how to find me?

She spoke again. "Brittany, do want me to come in?"

"Okay." I hushed and opened the stall for her to come in with me. I locked it behind her. "That was scary." I whispered and I was still shaking, but her being her made me finally be able to catch my breath. "What if I blew chunks on the stage?" My eyes got big. "But that would be impossible because I blew all my chunks last night on Quinn's lap and I've just drank soda today so it really wouldn't be chunks."

Santana watched me talk. She waited until I finished.

"And now my tummy keeps spinning." I took a weird gulp, because I was still so nervous. "I couldn't see anything and I tried to see where you were sitting, but it was so bright. How did you sing? How does anyone sing up there? Now I didn't even get to sing it to you, but Sam sang it." I shot my hands up to my mouth.

I think Santana thought I was going to puke. But I was worried someone was in here with us. I quietly and slowly bend down and peeked under the stall. _Empty…_I stood back up. "That was close. Sorry I didn't want a customer to hear." I cringed at my own stupidity. "I was careful with Sam by the way. I spoke in code. Well, not our gummy bear code, because that's our secret code. But I made sure he didn't know what I was talking about and he kind of guessed I liked someone, because he knew I was watching you when we danced. And then he told me I could sing a song to you. But not to _you_, because he doesn't know about you other than he knows who you are. He just doesn't know about me and you. But he didn't know it was _you _I was looking at when we danced_, _just that I was watching someone."

Santana reached forward and grabbed my hand with both of her hands. It made me pause for a second, but there was so much more I wanted to say. "And Mercedes asked me stuff. But nothing bad or anything. She just said she noticed we hang out a lot. I'm sorry. I'm just not very sneaky sometimes. She doesn't know what's going on. I swear. She just knows that we're really good friends." I looked through the crack between the door and the stall. "And if someone comes in do you want me to stand on the toilet so they don't see too many feet in here?"

Santana pinched the corners of her mouth. "Britt." She hushed my name. "It's okay." I searched her eyes until she spoke again. They were so open and when I knew Quinn's eyes were pretty, Santana's eyes were beautiful. Beautiful like one of those people who was pretty on the inside and the outside. And Quinn was pretty on the inside too, but Santana saw me and she liked me and I could see everything about her. She let me see her and that was beautiful.

Santana didn't have to tell me to be quiet like Quinn had this morning when I had started to freak out. I felt okay around Santana and she could just look at me and it calmed everything I felt.

"This is kind of scary. Us. But we're not in high school. We're adults. Well, as much of an adult as nineteen years olds can be." She smiled. "And if I had known you in high school I have no doubt I wouldn't have been able to handle it at first, and maybe I'm not entirely sure I can handle it the right way right now. But I'm here. I want to be here. We'll figure it out."

I let out a breath I didn't even know I had been holding.

"And I loved the song." She whispered. "Thank you."

"But I didn't even sing…" I frowned.

"Yeah, but I got to stare at you the entire song _and _I got to hear the song anyway. So I'm happy." She rubbed her thumb over the top of my hand, took a couple of gulps, and then squeezed my hand. "My mom doesn't come back until tomorrow night. And you are coming over right?"

I nodded. I figured that was what was going to happen.

She looked down at our hands. "We can do...We can do the plan if you want." She didn't look at me. She just kept looking at our hands. "I want to. I've been thinking about it since you said something and I want to."

"Really?" I shouted, but then lowered my voice, "Really?"

She looked up and smiled. "Yes. Really. It's all I can think about. You doing, _that, _is all I can think about."

I squeezed her hands really really really tight. I couldn't believe this. I figured the plan was a long ways away. But tonight? She wanted to do it tonight? She thought about it all the time? I felt like I had just gotten way too much good news at once and it was so amazing.

I was so glad I had talked to Sam.


	17. Your Love

**a/n : this chapter was hard to write...it took me forever to get started. But here it is. I really do hope you like it. **

**Here's the songs in the chapter - Make sure to add youtube to the beginning of the link. You may want to skim through the first three, just so you kind of have an idea of the songs. Up to you. But definitely listen to the last song ;)**

**.com/watch?v=PTFwQP86BRs&ob=av2n  
><strong>**.com/watch?v=uHBtpqbOKXk&ob=av2e  
><strong>**.com/watch?v=4jV22UJND7g **

****.com/watch?v=NBlYB5Z2Pn4 ****

**Chapter 17 : Your Love**

"Stupid fucker," her voice was soft but sharp. It made me snap my attention towards her.

Puck was sitting on a bar stool and leaning against the bar. Santana was standing right in front of him, and when seconds before they had been quietly talking in harsh whispers, now Puck's cup was clanking across the floor and his shirt was soaked with beer.

The bar was closing. The only customers left were Puck, Finn and Sam. And all us girls had been cleaning. I was wiping off tables on the main floor with Mercedes. I think Rachel was in the back, and Tina was up on the stage wrapping up wires. And Finn and Sam had been talking about something that had to do with video games up at the bar right next to Puck.

"Uh oh." Mercedes stood up and dropped her towel on the table. She started to pace up towards the bar.

I slowly followed behind Mercedes. The entire night I had been trying to think and plan. I was trying to figure out the best way to start with Santana, how to start, where to touch, if we should kiss for a while. I definitely wanted to kiss. I liked kissing her. But this wasn't about what I wanted. It was about doing something for her and that was why I was so excited. I couldn't remember ever being this excited for something. She had done so much for me and I couldn't wait to do _this _for her. This was going to be the best night. Just the thought of making her feel as good as I had felt was good enough for me. I wanted her to feel amazing and I knew I could do it. I could figure it out. I mean, I was able to make myself work.

"Dude, what the hell." Puck snapped back at her and jumped away. A few of the bar stools knocked over in his rush backwards.

"What the fuck did you think would happen?" She started to stalk towards him.

Rachel walked out from the back and through the swinging door. "What is going on?" She eyed everyone and settled back on Santana.

Nobody answered her.

"Dude, it was nothing. And it's fine now." Puck tried to laugh and lighten the mood.

I hopped up the step to stand near the bar, right behind Mercedes. I wasn't sure if I should say something. I had no clue what was going on, and I didn't want to tell Santana what to do. Who knows, maybe someone needed to yell at Puck…I was sure she had a good reason for slapping his beer all over him.

"Come on man," Finn walked over to stand between Puck and Santana, "let's head out." He nodded toward the front door.

"Come on? I didn't do shit." He peeked over Finn's shoulder and pointed at Santana. "You know that. Find someone else to blame."

Santana lunged forward, but Mercedes had left me at some point and grabbed onto Santana's elbow. "Come on girl. It's not worth it."

"Don't, touch, me." Santana yanked her arm away from Mercedes. That was when I noticed her face was burning. But it wasn't from anger. Well maybe some of it was, but she looked kind of embarrassed, but I figured that was probably because everyone was staring at her and Puck. I couldn't imagine this many people gawking at me…Even if they were all just friends.

"Look. I did what you asked." Puck threw his hands up in the air. "And I don't understand what the hell is wrong. You texted me and said that if I kept an eye on Brittany then _you," _he pointed his finger at Santana again, "would stop being so weird. So what now? I've been patient and all you keep doing is ignoring me and you keep leaving me hanging. I didn't do that shit for nothing. Azimio is my buddy."

_Crap. _Were they arguing about me? It felt like my heart was in my throat. I wanted to say something, but I couldn't. And what would I say? I couldn't say anything. Puck was right. Azimio was his friend, and he did go way far out of his way when he kicked him out last night. But that wasn't Santana's fault even if she did ask him to keep an eye on me...

"I'm about to give up." Puck raised his voice even more. "What the hell do you want from me? I'm not a fucking dog you can keep at your feet. You can't keep dangling sex in front of me so I'll do what you want."

He shouldn't talk to Santana like that. Especially not in front of other people. This was private conversation…

I wanted to say something so bad. So, so, so, so bad.

Instead I clenched my jaw and started to march straight for Puck. Mercedes was trying to walk Santana backwards and Finn was still standing between everything. I lifted my fist and punched Puck in the back. He spun around.

His face looked furious. And at first I thought he was going to punch me back, but then he let out a sigh and pinched his lips.

"You said you would stop saying that kind of stuff in front of people." I whispered.

He shook his head and then looked to Finn. "Let's get out of here."

Finn nodded and both of them left. I watched the front door click shut and then when I spun around to look at everyone, they were giving me the weirdest looks. It was better than Puck talking about Santana like that…Like she _owed _him something. Santana didn't owe a damn thing to anyone. She didn't need to give anything to anyone…

I let out a heavy breath. Was I angry? I was…My fists were clenched almost tighter than my jaw and my heart was still beating hard.

The door behind the bar swung open again. It was Will. Everyone turned to look at him. Except me. I looked at Santana. Her face was still burning, but it didn't look as hard and as angry.

"What happened?" Will looked to Rachel.

Rachel glanced to Santana and then back at Will, "Nothing. The boys were being noisy. They left."

Will nodded and then pointed to Santana and at Tina, "You girls want to come back and fill out your time cards?"

Santana finally looked at me, after Tina started walking to the back and after Rachel started wiping down the bar. She didn't smile. Or maybe it was a smile. But it didn't look like a smile. It was better than a smile and I felt like she was going to look at me forever and ever. She looked like she was standing so tall and she was looking at me like I had said the most wonderful thing in the entire world. Except all I really did was punch Puck, and didn't say much at all.

I was probably smiling at her. I couldn't tell. And I couldn't believe she had stood up like that for me, even though it was the last thing she needed to do. She went so far out of her way for me. She wasn't like anyone in the whole world. She was the most thoughtful person ever.

I saw her turn and head to the back. But I kept standing there. My brain was going to fall out. Not because of anything bad, just because of everything good. I couldn't even remember what I thought about before I had met her…Nothing as good as her that was for sure.

"Earth to Brittany." Mercedes waved her hand in front of my face. "What are you doing?"

I pulled my eyes away from the spot Santana used to be standing in. It took me a second to focus on Mercedes. I shrugged. "Standing here."

"I know that." She nodded and handed me a wet towel. "What was all that about?"

"What was what?" I started to wipe off a bar stool.

"What you said to Puck? Do you have a thing with him?" She ran her eyes over me. "Is that who you sang that song to tonight?" She asked the question, but I could tell she didn't think that me and Puck had a thing.

But I still froze and almost dropped the towel. "No." I scrunched up my forehead. "How did you know I was singing to someone? And plus, Sam sang, not me. So I didn't even sing to anyone. I just sat there. And they looked at me. Which isn't even that cool."

Mercedes giggled. "Sam said you got all excited about singing to someone special. But hey," Mercedes shrugged, "this guy better be pretty damn special to make you get up on that stage."

Guy, no. Special, yes. Very special. "Yeah, special." I started to wipe the next stool. "So very much." I hummed and smiled. I wanted to go back and talk to her, but she was with Will and if I ran back into his office then I might look a little too suspicious, especially after I had just punched Puck. So I could wait for just a second. And when she came back out I would ask if she was ready to go.

"Okay. Now I'm too curious. Who is he? Where is he? How come I haven't met him, because I haven't seen you talk to any guys all night…"

_Crap. _I need to stop talking. I'm going to give away the secret. Mercedes was super good at this kind of stuff. She could get me talking and sometimes things just fell out of my mouth. And I think she was just naturally good at asking the right kind of questions and saying the right things. I peeked up and found Sam sitting a few bar stools away and finishing off his beer. "I talked to Sam…" I stood up completely.

Mercedes' face fell and she stood up with me.

My eyes shot open. And I shook my head _no _as quickly as I could. And then I whispered, "Not him. I was just saying I talked to a guy. He already likes yo-," I shifted my eyes around the bar and then settled them on her, "someone else…" I set my towel on the bar. "I need to go find Santana." I said it in the most even tone possible. I think I had just ruined Sam's secret. But it had been an accident. I spun on my heels and nearly ran to the back.

When I pushed open the swinging bar door and darted through, I bumped into Tina. "Oops. Sorry." I grabbed her shoulders to steady myself. She raised both eyebrows at me and I just zipped off.

I really did need to find Santana, because I wanted to make sure she was okay. I knew she was though, because that look she had given me after Puck left told me that she was more than okay.

She was in Will's office still and so I sat down outside the door and tucked my knees to my chest. I would wait for her to walk out. And that way I could hide from Mercedes and Sam. I was so dumb sometimes…Sam was going to be super mad when I told him what I had said.

Will walked out from the office, kicked the side of my leg, and then tripped over me. He stumbled a few steps and the shot around to face me with a terrified expression. "Brittany!" He eyed me. "Is something wrong?"

Santana stepped out from his office and I glanced at her for a second, before turning my attention back to Will. "No. I was just sitting." I smiled with my lips pinched tightly shut.

"Is everyone done cleaning?" He asked.

I shook my head _yes, _then started to shake it _no. _And then I just shrugged.

He nodded slowly. "Well you can head out if you want. Anything that's not finished can be done in the morning." He smiled. "We had a good week." He lifted a manila folder he was holding in his hands and then pointed at it. "Excellent week. Great job girls." He looked to Santana and then spun and headed out toward the front.

When I turned to look back at Santana she was already crouching down next to me. "Britt, I'm sorry about that. And I didn't tell Puck to keep an eye on you."

My heart dropped when she brought that back up. I wanted her to trust me and I kind of figured she already did. "I didn't do anything, I promise. Except," I looked around to make sure nobody was standing nearby, "I grabbed Quinn's boob but that was an accident, and I already told you that. I promise I didn't do anything. I wouldn't do anything, cause I like you a lot."

"Oh, no." Santana shook her head and she was smiling. Her smiling right now was good, right? She reached her hand forward and put it on my knee. "That's not what I meant. I know how his friends are. I just was mad about the Azimio thing. I asked him to keep an eye on his _friends_." Her smiled died.

"That was my fault." I said.

Santana's face twitched and her eyebrows scrunched together. Slowly she shook her head and she took a deep breath. "Let's get out of here?" She stood up and held her hand down for me.

I grabbed it and she pulled me up. "Do you think Puck will be mad? He shouldn't have said that about you in front of people or said it at all. You didn't do anything wrong and you don't have to do anything for him unless you want to. He was being really rude." I paused because I could tell she wanted to say something.

"I don't want to do anything with him." She whispered and now the corner of her mouth was pulling her lips up into a crooked smile. She reached forward, grabbed my hand, and laced her fingers through mine. It made my heart skip so many beats, because I didn't think we would ever be able to hold hands at work. "Brittany." She said my whole name and her smile went away again. "What happened with Azimio wasn't your fault." She wasn't demanding that I believed her or forcing her words. She was just saying it and saying it so that I knew she was telling me something I needed to know.

So I believed her.

"You were drunk, and he tried something that he shouldn't have ever even thought about trying." She kept her eyes locked on mine.

Was it really that serious? I mean, nothing happened. Well, he did start to pull down my underwear, but then I jumped up before he did anything else. It was hard to jump up at first. I squinted my eyes and tried to remember, but I couldn't remember much of what had happened. He had been pushing me against the couch. His hand was up my skirt for…a while? Maybe?

I pulled my hand out from hers so I could cover my face with both of my hands. "I don't remember." I slammed my eyes shut and tried to think, because sometimes doing that helped me remember things.

_Fuck. _Why did I get that drunk? I had made a mess out of things and none of this crap would have happened if it weren't for me. Rachel wouldn't have had to see my puke, Quinn wouldn't have had to feel my puke, I wouldn't have grabbed Quinn's boob, and Santana wouldn't have yelled at Puck. "I ruined things." I spread my fingers and peeked through them to see Santana still watching me. I dropped my hands down to my side. "I didn't mean to. Now everyone's grossed out or mad."

Santana immediately reached for my hand again. She did it before I could say anything or think anything else. "Don't worry. Okay?" She swung our hands. "Don't worry about anything. You _ruined _nothing. And I'm here if you have questions remember?"

I smiled and all my questions and worries were gone. How did she do that? She made me realize things I could have never realized before, and then she made it so those things would be okay.

**xxxxXXXxx**

The car ride to her house was the worst. Well, the worst in the best possible way. I kept shifting in my seat and trying to distract myself, but it wasn't working. The closer we got to her house the harder it was for me to keep my hands off of her.

It started out innocent. I reached over and put my hand on her lap when she was talking. It was the only thing I could think to do to distract myself from looking at her lips while she talked. Bad thoughts happened when I looked at her lips. Or maybe they're not bad thoughts. Just sexy-bad thoughts.

I couldn't remember ever being this anxious and excited about anything, let alone about _pleasing _someone. Usually I was pretty indifferent when it had come to doing things for guys in the past and if I had to choose I would have rather not done anything to them. But this thing with her was entirely different.

I kept thinking about all the possibilities and that wasn't going to do anything other than make the butterflies in my stomach explode from having to wait too long.

So then I started to massage her thigh. Rub with my thumb, press down with my fingers. And that was when she had stopped talking and when I started to rub harder. My hand was at her knee at one point in the beginning, but now I was slowly slipping it up her thigh and I had stopped when I got to the bottom of her dress. She was wearing one of those skin tight dresses that clung to absolutely every perfect part of her body.

I slid my hand back down and up. And down and up again. Then I just kept my hand up near the bottom of her dress, because I kind of wanted to go up even higher and slip my hand under it.

We stopped at a stoplight.

Santana leaned back and shifted in her seat. And then she spread her legs. Dear God the pressure in my tummy was about to pop.

I wanted to reach higher. More than anything. But I also didn't want to do this in her car. I wanted it in her bed. I'm not sure why. Probably because I already told her that _that _was the plan and I didn't want her to get thrown or confused. And I didn't want to get confused, because I had been planning this all night.

So I stopped sliding my hand, pulled it away, and then just leaned my lips down to her thighs. I kissed the inside of her opposite leg. The one that was by the door. I had to lean over pretty far, and the seatbelt was cutting into my neck, but I didn't care.

Her legs were hot and felt like they burned my lips.

She shifted again and I think she tried to spread her legs even further.

_Fuck. _My mouth was so close. I kissed and sucked and when I stuck my tongue out to taste her skin, the butterflies in my stomach were begging for me to lick her downstairs and inside her underwear. Could I do that? So soon? I could. I wouldn't really know what I was doing…But I could lick. Why did I think putting my lips on her legs would be better than massaging? Did I seriously think that would help slow things down?

"Britt." She hushed my name. And then she lifted her butt up from the seat and pushed the inside of her thigh harder into the kiss.

I reached over and grabbed the bottom of her dress. I was going to pull it up. And then I would pull her underwear down.

"Britt." She said my name again. "I need to drive, there's a car behind us."

It took me a few kisses to realize what she had said, and then I pulled my lips away from her skin and sat up. I didn't want to sit up. I wanted to taste her and see what she tasted like down there. Sitting up from kissing her burning skin was one of the hardest things I had ever done.

I folded my hands on my lap and just watched her drive. She kept looking over at me every few seconds. Her eyes would skip down my body, always stopping at my hands. I think she kind of wanted me to touch her again. It was so hard not to reach back over and touch her, but we needed to wait until we weren't driving. So I stuffed my hands in between my own thighs and pinched them to try and keep that pressure from making me give in and touch her.

A few minutes later Santana pulled into her driveway. I leapt out of the car as fast as I could and rounded the car to the driver's side. I was standing there before she had even opened her door. So I opened it for her.

I leaned in the car and I kissed her. Her hand wrapped behind my neck and her nails dug into my skin. She pulled me into the kiss and her tongue pushed into my mouth.

I thought I had been prepared, because that was what I had been doing the last few minutes of the car ride. Preparing to kiss her. But she took me off guard. Her kiss made my legs feel weak and feel like my knees were going to give out. So I leaned forward further into the car and had to push my hands into her lap to hold myself up.

Her tongue felt like velvet. At first it grazed across mine and then she pushed it so hard against mine that I couldn't remember how to breathe and I let out the wettest and shakiest sounding breath.

"Let's go to my room." Santana broke the kiss and the first thing I noticed when I opened my eyes were her eyes. They looked so deep and so intense. I knew that this was going to be amazing. She was going to feel amazing and every inch of her body from her eyes to the way she was touching my waist was screaming for more.

I leaned back out of the car and pulled her out with me. She slammed the door shut on her car, locked it, and then started to yank me towards her house. We were almost running. And I couldn't help the smile that was on my face.

I was so happy. This feeling was amazing. She wanted me. She wanted this. This was the happiest I had ever felt. I knew that, because this was the first time someone had so obviously showed me that they _wanted_ me. And I knew she wanted me for other reasons than the plan. The plan was just a cherry on top of everything. But it was the tastiest cherry in the entire world. Santana was the dessert and the plan was the cherry.

She slammed open the front door and pulled me in with her. And then slammed it shut. Her hand squeezed tighter around mine as we stormed through her living room. I was about to say something about us needing to be quiet, but then I remembered that her mom and Marcus weren't home. So now I could make her be as loud as I wanted. My heart flipped with that thought and I clenched the muscles below my waist.

We made it up the stairs, into her room, and then she pulled me to her bed, made me sit down, and then straddled my lap.

She hung her arms over my shoulders, I grabbed her waist. Then our lips crashed into each other. The kiss was so desperate. She caught me mid-breath, so when I tried to breathe in between a kiss it came out as a gasp. And then she smiled into my lips and pushed my body back against the bed.

My back hit the mattress and then her lips hit my lips again. She pushed me hard with her mouth and then because her dress had ridden up, her downstairs pushed hard into my waist. She had rocked, and pushed down into me and I could feel how hot she was.

I needed to take her underwear off, now. I needed to do it before I went crazy. So I grabbed the bottom of her dress and pulled it up just a little higher. And then I moved my fingers back to her underwear and looped them around the elastic by her hips.

"Wait." Santana spoke into my mouth and then her breathing shook. "Hold on." She pulled her lips away from mine, but not too far away. "Hold on. Let me get ready."

I smiled and let my hand fall from her hip. I slid it up the inside of her thigh. "You are ready aren't you?" I smirked and tried to kiss her again.

She kissed for a second and then pulled away right before my hand slid all the way up and touched the part of her underwear that I knew was probably super wet. "I mean, like brush my teeth and stuff." She sat completely up and looked down at me. Her hair was everywhere. The bobby pins that had been holding her bangs back were now barely hanging on and her bangs had fallen forward.

"Oh." I rested both hands on my own stomach. "…Okay. Yeah. If you want. You don't have to. I think your kisses taste delicious. Better than chocolate."

She rolled her eyes at me and crawled off of me and then off of the bed. I sat up and ran my fingers through my own tangled hair. I imagined I looked somewhat like a crazy person who had rubbed balloons all over her hair. At least, that was what the tangles felt like.

"I'll be," Santana stepped backwards toward her dresser and the pulled out a handful of clothes, "right back. In one second. Don't leave or anything."

I narrowed my eyes at her and smiled. She was excited. I could see it. Nervous yes, but she was excited. "I won't leave," I promised her and couldn't help but giggle.

"Okay," she put her hand on her door, "I'm going to be right back. So, you can…" she stopped talking and then darted across her room to her iPod. "Here pick some music. You said rock right?" She turned her iPod on and started to shuffle through it as she walked towards me. "Pick some songs." She nodded as I took the iPod. "Be right back." And then she ran out of the room and shut the door behind her.

I crossed my legs underneath me and started to look through her music. _Rock, rock, rock. _She had a lot of rocks songs. Not the specific one I had heard the other day, but these ones were good. I listened to a whole bunch of songs and was able to pick five of them before she walked back in her room.

She set her dirty clothes in the hamper by her dresser and then walked to the bed. Now she was wearing shorts and a white tank top. _Totally hot_. She reached her hand out and I handed her the iPod. She softly laughed at the songs I had picked. It was a laugh that I think made her relax a little. She walked over and plugged her iPod into the speakers on her dresser.

A song started. The first one I picked. A Nine Inch Nails song. I really hadn't ever listened to their songs before, but I figured I couldn't go wrong with a song called _Closer. _But it was perfect. It was loud and had an awesome beat. It would definitely make us feel like we were the only ones around. Santana reached for the iPod and turned it up even louder.

She was nervous. I watched her fidget and she kept licking and sucking on her lips. But more than anything she looked so beautiful and finally I knew what she meant when she said she couldn't pretend with me. She looked so very exposed and I couldn't think of anything else that I would rather look at. She was beyond beautiful actually. She was perfect.

"Is this song okay?" I asked her and had to talk a little louder over the music.

She nodded and then walked toward her lamp and clicked the light off. The room went black. My heart fluttered with the darkness. I couldn't see her anymore and that made me want to see her and touch her right now.

I didn't know where she was, until the bed shifted. I reached out into the dark and grabbed her wrist and I held it until she was right next to me. I slid my hand up her arm until I was touching her neck and then I pulled so her mouth moved toward mine.

We kissed again. And I could feel her nerves in the kiss. So I just kissed for now. Slow. I knew that I would have to move slow. But that was okay, because I could kiss her the whole entire night. I didn't use my tongue yet. It wasn't like the kiss in the car. This one was sweet and made me feel like she was my first kiss. And she was. She was the first kiss I really cared about.

_I wanna fuck you like an animal._

I stalled my kiss when the song started to repeat that sentence and my eyes shot open. Way to pick a song…

Santana leaned forward and spoke into my ear. "Do you want to take your clothes off still?"

She didn't have to ask twice. I reached for the bottom of my shirt and pulled it off my head so quickly. And then I pulled the straps of my bra down and slid my arms out, and twisted the clasp to the front so I could unhook it. I tossed my clothes off the bed and then laid back so I could slide off my shorts and my underwear.

I sat back up, tossed the rest of my stuff off the bed and then felt around the mattress until I patted her thighs. I leaned over to her, brushed my cheek across hers, and then stopped when I neared her ear. "Want me to take yours off now?" I asked.

"Not yet." She leaned back and then kissed me.

So I kissed back and I just squeezed her thighs. It felt weird being completely naked with her so close. I had never been totally naked in front of someone before. But I liked it, and I think that was because it was with her. And I kind of wished she could see me. I wanted to show her everything about me. Absolutely everything.

She pulled away from the kiss and spoke to me again. "I'm going to lie down."

My tummy tightened so tight. I couldn't believe this was happening. This was the part where she was going to let me touch her.

I kept my hand on her thigh as she laid down, and then I crawled up her body. I felt my chest hang and drag across her shirt and I wished she didn't have a shirt on. But that was okay, because this was still so amazing.

I kissed her lips once when I had found them and then I focused my attention on touching. I wanted to do this right.

While I still straddled her, I lowered my hand down her body. I walked my fingers down until I touched the top of her shorts.

My heart was beating so hard. It felt like it was going to stop beating. What if I didn't do it right? What if I couldn't make her feel good? She was trusting me.

I held my breath, swallowed my nerves, and slipped my hand down her shorts. I didn't go inside her underwear. Not yet. I wanted to take little steps and I do better with things when they don't all happen at once.

My fingertips skated over the fabric. I was pretty sure she had different underwear on than the ones I had caught glimpses of before. She must have changed.

I cupped her downstairs and it felt like every little piece of my nerves was shocked. It felt like that pressure in my stomach was going to explode. Twist and turn and knot, and now I was sticky between my legs.

I massaged. I rubbed. I was waiting to feel her underwear get wet and stick and slip against her. Then I would reach inside her underwear. I shuttered at that thought, and it made my throat crack and I held back a muted groan.

She felt like I felt. A little different though, because she wasn't me and it was always different when you touched someone else. I mean, holding someone else's hand feels nothing like holding your own hand.

_Maybe I wasn't doing it right._

I put a little more pressure into my massaging. But her underwear stayed dry. I had to be doing this wrong. So I asked her. I stopped my massage, kept my hand down her pants, over her underwear, and spoke up toward her ear. "Santana. Am I doing it wrong?"

"Keep going. Please." She spoke quickly and now I wished that my plan had involved the lights on. I wanted to see her face.

But I kept going. I found that spot she had showed me. The one that she had rubbed on me when we were in the bathroom. I was pretty sure I was touching it. It was so dark, and I was touching over her underwear, so maybe I wasn't right. But I felt the lips part of her downstairs shift and separate when I rubbed.

I made circles. Just like she had done to me, and just like I had done to myself that one night.

The song switched. I didn't remember the name of it. But it was still loud and still very rock-like. Maybe the songs were wrong. Maybe they were too scary or something.

I slowed the circles I was making on her. I was doing it wrong, I had to be. Her underwear was still dry.

"Keep going." Santana shifted. She put both of her hands flat against my stomach.

I started the circles again. I was shaking. Why wasn't I doing this right? Something was wrong. Maybe I shouldn't be naked. Maybe that was too much at first. But I kept rubbing.

I wanted to ask her what I was doing wrong. But I didn't want to stop. What if she was like a cold engine in a car or something that took a while to get started? I didn't want to stop. I wouldn't stop unless she asked me to.

"Do it harder Britt." Her words were still short. Almost broken.

_Harder? _I didn't want to hurt her. But I pressed a little harder and I moved a little quicker.

The song changed again. I didn't even care what songs were playing anymore, because I was the stupid one who had picked rock.

_Nothing. _Her underwear was still dry. And now I was shaking so much. I was terrified. And I couldn't even figure out what I was scared of. Why wasn't this working? I knew she had liked it in the car. My massage and my kisses. I had heard her breaths and grunts when I had kissed her thigh.

I was going to ask her. I had to. I needed to do something. So I leaned up, stopped rubbing and dragged my cheek across hers. And before I was able to whisper in her ear, I froze. Her cheek was wet. She was crying.

My body froze. "Did I hurt you?" My heart was beating so fast. So fast that it almost hurt.

I couldn't even describe this feeling. It was awful. It was horrible. It made me feel like all my insides were gone and there was no way I was going to ever get them back.

"No-o-o," She said and the word broke. And now I could hear her cry. "Keep going. Please?" She begged.

If I hadn't hurt her then what was wrong? "I don't know what I'm doing. I know I don't. I can change the music." I crawled off of her.

Her hand shot up and grabbed my arm. She gripped it so tight. "Don't go. Please keep going. Please." I could hear her sobs between the words.

She let go of my wrist. So I leapt off the bed, ran towards where the little glow from the iPod was coming and I shut it off.

The room went dead silent, and now I could hear every sound of her sobs. They were hard. So hard. Just as hard as mine had been that night I had cried about my dad. I knew that feeling. I knew it was nearly impossible to stop. And I knew she probably wanted to stop. I knew exactly what she felt like right now.

I fumbled for the lamp on her dresser and clicked it on.

She was lying on her back with her palms pressed into her eyes.

_Oh my God._

I ran back to the bed and crawled to her. I sat as close as I could and put my hands on her tummy. I was going to pull her into my lap, but I wanted to see her. I needed to see her if I was going to figure out what was wrong. "Santana." I hushed her name and started to run one hand up and down her side.

I didn't ask her what was wrong. She would say eventually. I knew that all that pressure would be too much to hold on to and I knew she would have to let it go. She was a lot stronger than me though, so I figured she could hold it for a lot longer than I had, before I had spilled everything about my dad. So I watched her, and I waited.

"I-, I want this Britt." Her voice was so rough. She kept her hands covering her face. "I want it. I want it. I want it." And then she said some stuff in Spanish, but it sounded so uneven and bubbly, because of her tears.

"I know." I scooted back a little and then I laid my head on her chest. She liked when I did that. And right now I think she needed something holding on to her so she didn't feel like she was flying away and never going to come back.

She wanted this. I knew she wanted it. She had told me and her body had told me.

Her crying shook me. It was so painful to feel and hear. This hurt. Knowing I couldn't fix this right now and make her feel better hurt. I cared about her so much, more than anything, and I would do anything for her. But that feeling of not knowing exactly what to do was awful. It was gut ripping.

"I want it. I don't know why I can't…" she broke off into another fit of cries.

I hugged my arms around her body. I slid them under her back and I squeezed her so tight.

I felt a little guilty for feeling this right now, but I was so happy I had cried in front of her like she was doing right now. It made it so I had felt what she was feeling. It made it so that now she was able to cry like this in front of me. And even though I knew I would never want to cry like that ever again and I definitely didn't want her to cry like this right now, sometimes it couldn't be helped. Sometimes things just happened, and sometimes painful things were too overwhelming to be held in.

Santana was someone who didn't open. And now she was open. She was open and broken and everything was falling out. I wanted to put it all back. And I would help her put it back even if I didn't know exactly how. I would hold on to her and keep her from completely breaking. I would squeeze her and hug her.

"Why didn't it work?" She mumbled through her cries. "I work. I do. I want you so badly. I'm supposed to be good at this." Her body kept shaking.

I was still shaking too. And tears were begging to push out of my eyes. But I couldn't cry. Not now. I needed to be there for her. Plus, I wasn't sure if crying while someone else cried was very helpful.

"I wanted to give you this..." She coughed after choking on her tears. "I'm so sorry."

My entire body melted. And I then I felt a tear fall. Just one. I stopped the other ones.

This wasn't about me. This whole night was about her. She wasn't supposed to give me something, she was supposed to get something. "Santana," I sat up and looked down at her. She still had her hands pressed into her face. "Things like this, like what we were doing, aren't about giving something. It's about sharing something amazing. You don't have to give me anything. I already like everything you are." I reached up and held on to her wrist. "Sex, if this is called sex, it's about two people sharing." I paused for a little.

"You can't keep giving yourself away, because soon enough you're not going to have anything left for yourself." The words slipped out, but they were completely true. If she kept giving away things to people, sex to boys, her sanity to her dad, and expectations to everyone else, then she wasn't going to have anything left.

I scooted closer to her and held her wrist tighter. "You're the most beautiful girl in the entire world right now," I said it softly, but I knew she had heard me over her cries, because her face softened a little more and she started to just let herself cry instead of trying to stop it.

I gulped down tears that were begging to come up. I wished I knew a song. I would sing it to her and then just like she had let me, I would let her fall asleep in my lap. But I wasn't someone who could memorize pretty songs. And I didn't sound as good as she did when I sang.

Maybe I could try something else. "Hold on." I let go of her wrist and sprang off the bed. I ran so fast to her dresser, grabbed her iPod and a pair of headphones sitting right next to it. Then I ran back to the bed and scooted right back to where I had been.

I went as quickly as I could. There was a song in here. I had seen in when she had been in the bathroom and had been getting _ready. _For a second earlier, I had considered playing it for us, instead of rock, because it was sounded so pretty when I had played it out loud for a few seconds. It was a slow version of _Your Love. _ But I could play it now. It was almost as good as me singing to her. Maybe. Maybe not.

I found the song, plugged the headphones into the iPod and then put the earpieces in her ears.

She slid her hands down her face, just a little down so I could see her eyes. I knew she didn't understand what I was doing. So I explained it to her.

"Remember when I said iPods make it feel like I'm in my own little world." I said. She nodded through her bloodshot eyes and scrunched face. "Well you need to be in your own world. Just for a second. Okay?"

And then I had an even better idea. I laid my head on her chest again and then reached up and pulled one of the headphones out of her ear. I put it in my own ear. "Look, now we're in our own little world." I pushed play on the iPod. "You and me. And you can feel what you want, cry as much as you want, and I will be right here. Okay. Just you and just me. Nobody else."

She fought back a few sobs so she could nod. I closed my eyes and hugged her again.

_I don't wanna lose your love tonight. I ain't got many friends left to talk to._

Her body shook with her tears. And the more she shook the harder I squeezed and hugged her. When the song ended, I played it again. And each time it got near the end and the song started to fade away, I would push the back button and make it play again.

It was just like that night when we listened to _Gravity, _except now she was crying. Now she was open, now all of her walls were gone, even if I had been on the same side of her the entire time. She was completely broken and yet she was perfectly beautiful.

I think I loved her. I knew I loved her. This feeling she gave me was wonderful. It made me feel whole. And more than anything I wanted to make her feel like she made me feel. If I could even make her feel half of what I felt, then I knew she would be so happy. I felt so warm. My heart felt so warm and so big. She was so warm. Her eyes, her body, her words. She was crying herself to sleep underneath me and never had anyone showed this much of themselves to me. She literally gave me everything. She didn't need to, but she did.

Even as I felt broken and I knew she felt broken as she cried…I felt whole.

**XXXxxx**

**Thanks Stephanie**


	18. The Morning After

**a/n: I trust that if you haven't given me your thoughts on the previous chapter, that you'll still want to ;) even if i updated this insanely fast. But I had it finished and I thought, why don't i just post it... :) so let me know. and thank you everyone :)**

**Chapter 18 : The Morning After**

"_Lying beside you," _I sang and skipped towards Santana. I grabbed her hand, "_here in the dark_." I twirled her and then spun myself. "_Feeling your heart beat with mine_." I let go of her hand and did one more twirl.

I heard Quinn laugh and looked to her.

I glanced back at Santana, gave her a secret wink, and then skipped toward Quinn. "_Softly you whisper_," I grabbed her hand and spun her and the entire time Quinn couldn't stop smiling and laughing, "_you're so sincere_," I spun myself. "Bumm..bum, de dum, dum, dum dummmm…." I just hummed along with the song, because I couldn't remember the next words.

And then I skipped straight toward Rachel who looked a little scared and she kept shaking her head at me. "_And now I come, to you, with open arms," _I stretched my arms out, hugged Rachel, squeezed her and then picked her up a few inches from the ground and spun with her. "_Hmm, hmm, hm, hm, hmm_." I hummed some more because that was absolutely all I remembered from the song.

Rachel laughed when I set her down. And both Quinn and Santana broke out laughing the second I had picked her up. And then I laughed and stopped before I made a complete loony out of myself.

"Very impressive." Quinn picked up a tub full of clean pint glasses. "So you're singing this weekend right?"

"Last time I did that I almost fainted." I folded my arms behind my back and linked my fingers through one another. "Never again." I glanced at Rachel. She was still trying to get rid of her smile.

"We'll see about that." Quinn took the tub of glasses and headed out front.

"We still need to pick a theme for next weekend before any decisions like that are to be made." The door swung shut behind Quinn. "Quinn?" Rachel started marching toward the door. She pushed it open and went out front.

I walked over to stand next to Santana. She looked particularly amazing today. Probably because I surprised her with a cup of chocolate milk this morning. I snuck downstairs, after I put clothes on, and made two glasses, one for me, one for her, and then I brought them upstairs for us. She didn't even care that I put quite a bit of extra chocolate in them.

And then we got ready and now we're at work with everyone.

I unlinked my arms from behind my back and reached out to pinch her elbow.

"You are such a dork." She blushed and playfully pulled her elbow away from me. "What has gotten into you?"

A whole bunch of dirty thoughts ran through my mind and I shifted my eyes around, because for some reason I had a feeling she might be able to read my mind and if she couldn't see my eyes then maybe she couldn't read my mind.

She reached over and slapped my shoulder. _She knew._

"No." I cleared my throat. "But seriously. I feel good. It must have been the chocolate milk."

Santana nodded slowly and then she started to blush. It was so cute when she did that. It made me feel like she looked up to me in a way and I didn't think anyone would ever need a reason to do that.

Santana turned to fully face me. Her eyes started at my feet, and then she picked them up and locked them with my eyes. Her smile was gone, but she didn't look sad. Not at all. She cleared her throat, glanced around the back room, and then looked at me again. "I, wanted to say…thank you." She studied my reaction and then continued, "for last night."

I nodded and waited so she could continue, because it looked like she had so much to say. And maybe her walls were big and maybe she was fighting with herself right now just to get the words out, but that was what made her who she was. She was a fighter.

"It really was the best night of my life."

The hugest, dorkiest, grin filled my face.

She responded to my smile with another adorable little shy smile, and then she kept talking. "Even if I _cried_._" _She whispered that last word.

"That was the best part silly." I shrugged.

Her face looked doubtful. "How?"

She didn't see it. She felt it. I knew she had. I had been there when all her broken parts were falling everywhere and she was letting me hold them together. But she just didn't see it yet. "Well," I stepped just a little closer to her, "why'd you cry?"

I didn't think she thought I was going to ask that. I didn't expect to ask it either. But it came out, and I was glad it did, because it was a good question for her to answer. Not answer to me, because I kind of had an answer already. And I didn't need to specifically know that answer, she needed to know it. But because I told her that I was in her world now, me and her, I would be and wanted to be here for anything she needed.

"What do you mean?" She mumbled and crossed her arms, but then uncrossed them. "I mean, I don't know." Her voice softened. Finally she shrugged. "I was just frustrated."

I nodded again.

"I," she stepped a little closer to me and lowered her voice so low. We were standing so close now. "I wanted it so badly and I couldn't figure out why my body thought you were some stupid boy I had slept with."

"Santana." I twitched the corner of my mouth into a momentary smile. "You are the most thoughtful person in the entire world. People like you aren't made for easy things. When I said your lips were like chocolate, I meant they were like dark chocolate. Tasty and delicious. But not easy to understand, because there's so much milk chocolate out there and everyone is used to milk chocolate. But everyone knows dark chocolate is good for hearts." I looked up as if those words were floating above my head and I was reading them out loud. I had thought of telling her that last night when I was falling asleep, but then I didn't want to wake her up, so I just memorized it.

She laughed at that and shook her head at me. "I'm just like your own personal candy store." She rolled her eyes, but still had a huge grin.

I nodded. "Candy shop." I corrected her. "Like Fifty Cent."

"Oh my God." She pulled her eyes away from me again and laughed. "Seriously. Please stop. You're making me feel…delicious." She took a second to find that word.

"Good." I shrugged. "You should feel delicious. _And," _I hummed, "you should remember everything I told you last night. About sex. Girl-sex?" I still wasn't sure what to call it. "And I think you did listen, because, well…" Now I blushed a little.

I saw her gulp down her smile and with that she took her confidence and left herself so naked and exposed. "I'm still not sure what to think about us. Or, I guess, what to say about us." She was whispering. "But, I already know what I think about you. And I want you." She nodded. "I don't know how to be with a girl...or anyone for that matter. But I do know my dad is going to hate the idea, and my mom probably won't like it either."

"Why wouldn't your dad like it?" I immediately asked. Anything she offered about her dad was something I wanted to know. I had wanted to ask questions for a while, but I didn't want to pressure her or make her feel like she needed to explain anything. I knew something was up with her dad and I had this weird feeling that it also had something to do with her mom…I'm not sure why. I mean, that could be a shot in the dark, but I just thought it was weird that he could come over to the house when supposedly her dad had left her mom.

Santana shook her head. "He's very _traditional," _she finger quoted the word traditional. "He probably wouldn't even believe me if I told him about you and me."

"How come he comes over sometimes?" And I had no control over the questions I wanted to ask. They just fell from my lips. "You don't have to answer that. I know it's personal. I didn't mean to ask, I was just thinking about it." I was rushing through my words now.

Santana's eyes flicked all over me, but she answered. I smiled because she answered. "It's not weird when he's around. Sometimes it is, but my mom still loves him and I think he loves her. And monthly dinners with him are something we have always done as a family, since he used to always be out of town working. Most of my aunts and uncles that come over are his brothers and sisters. We're family." She paused. "My dad's a good guy. He just made a mistake."

I understood that and I believed her when she said that. Maybe I didn't know what the mistake was, but I knew sometimes people did things they didn't mean to.

I watched her for a second longer, and I knew she wasn't ready to say the rest. That was okay. I reached forward and grazed the back of my knuckles against her hand. "Want to head out front and make sodas before we open?"

She brightened up at that thought and the two of us headed out front and through the swinging bar door. She pulled out the stuff to make the sodas and I pulled out the cups. I also got the ice cubes. It was probably safer if I did that kind of stuff, because as much as I want to believe that she liked that chocolate milk, it was kind of gritty…But it's probably not safe if I do the pouring of ingredients part.

"Tina, want a tasty soda?" I asked her. She was sitting on the other side of the bar and reading through her phone.

She looked up from her phone and pointed to a bottle of water right in front of her. "No thanks. Oh and Mike's having a little get together at his house tonight. Barbecue and beer. You're coming right? I texted you," she held up her phone, "but I'm guessing you lost your phone."

"Yes!" I jumped at the possibility of beer and barbecue and friends. But I didn't answer the last part. I didn't technically lose my phone…it was just at home.

"You too Santana." Tina said. I turned to see Santana and she was frozen mid pour. "You should come too. If you want?"

I spun around to face Santana. My fists were balled up, I was holding my breath and I knew my eyes were super big and super bright. "Want to?"

She set down the lime syrup and shifted her eyes between me and Tina. "Yeah, sure." She said and I spun back around with so much energy.

I leapt over to Tina and leaned on the counter. "Who's going? Anyone else from here?"

"I just invited you girls so far." Tina said. "I'll invite Mercedes, Rachel and probably Quinn," I didn't look back at Santana because I figured if Santana was making a list of the pros and cons of going to this party that Rachel attending might not be on the pro side. "But the food is delicious. And the beer is free."

Now I spun around to face Santana. She still looked a little surprised at the invite. I wasn't surprised. I knew Tina liked her. What wasn't there to like? But I wanted Santana to smile and be happy and not worry about anything. "Barbecue is delicious, but not as delicious as dark chocolate." I quickly spun back around when Santana shot her eyes at me.

Tina just laughed and rolled her eyes. "If you say so."

Rachel stomped towards us, huffed dramatically, and then took a seat next to Tina. "Ridiculous." Then Rachel looked to me. "Can you please go talk some sense into her? She won't listen to me. You don't want to sing this weekend, right?" Rachel asked the question but then paused and studied me. I think that was her way of making sure that I really didn't want to sing and making sure she didn't overstep. But that was the whole beauty of mine and Rachel's friendships. She was made to overstep, and I was made to be overstepped.

"Not really. It's too scary." I admitted. But someday I would love to sing, just not this weekend.

"See." Rachel pointed at me and looked between Santana and Tina. But wasn't Quinn the one arguing with her? Rachel looked to me again. "Can you say something to her?"

"I guess." I looked to Santana who hadn't quite finished the sodas. "I'll be right back." And then I rounded the bar and headed up toward the stage where Quinn was untangling wires and moving things around.

She didn't notice me walk up at first, so I just stood near the front of the stage and watched her try to figure out where to plug something in. I wondered if she thought more about what had happened and about me grabbing her boob, since it she has had time to think about it.

"When do you want to do lunch?" I asked.

Quinn snapped her attention to me. I must have startled her. "Oh." She sighed. "Good. It's just you."

"Just me." I leaned forward and rested my elbows on the stage. "You better be careful not to get shocked."

Quinn nodded and glanced at me with a little smile, before she went back to unplugging things. "I'll keep that in mind." She unhooked one chord. "So, lunch. How about tomorrow?"

I nodded at first, and then realized she wasn't looking at me. So I just spoke. "Okay. Want to just eat here? I don't work tomorrow so we can do it whenever. Do you work?"

"Not until the evening." Quinn peeked up at me. "And let's do something a little different than _here." _

"Like where?" Now I was getting excited. I started to drum my fingers across the wood of the stage.

"How about that Italian place across town?" She looked up. "Breadstix. The make soup that is to die for."

My eyes widened. I hadn't eaten there since I was super little and it was my dad's birthday and his coworkers had taken me and him and my sister out to dinner. "Isn't that place super expensive?" Now my excitement started to drain. There wasn't really any way I could afford that. "I guess I could just eat breadsticks because those are free. And I bet the soup isn't too expensive. It will be a light lunch and they have to serve bottomless soda. So okay." Now my excitement was back and I smiled. "I want to. Yes!"

"What are you yessing about?" Mercedes walked up beside me and leaned her hip against the stage.

I stood up. "Lunch." And that was all I said. I knew Quinn probably didn't want me to say much more than that, because she had made it clear that she didn't want anyone knowing the reason behind the lunch. And then I changed the subject. "Rachel told me to tell you Quinn that I don't want to sing."

Mercedes cocked her eyebrows at me, and then Quinn gave me the same look.

But Quinn spoke. "You don't want to? Or Rachel doesn't want you to?"

I shrugged. "Both."

"I heard you sang last night. And you sang just a few minutes ago." Quinn set down the wires she was playing with and walked over to me. She sat on the edge of the stage and hung her feet off. "Well, heard that you wanted to sing last night."

"I did want to sing for two seconds, before I realized it was the scariest thing ever." I looked over to Mercedes and then back to Quinn who were exchanging shrugs.

And then I glanced back at the bar to see that Santana was done with our drinks and she was talking to Tina. She even put little green leaf things on the top by the straw. I looked back at the girls, "bye." And then I spun and walked back to Santana.

**XXXxxXXXXxx**

_**The Night Before **_

I didn't fall asleep. I couldn't. She fell asleep though. Her crying, her shaking, and her breaths softened and she had fallen asleep. As soon as she had fallen asleep I had taken the iPod headphone out of her ear, out of my ear, and tossed it across the bed so she wouldn't wake up. And now I just kept my eyes open with my ear pressed into her chest. I wasn't sure how long I had been laying here. I didn't care. I would probably stay awake forever, because I didn't ever want to stop feeling this feeling.

I smiled. I wondered if when I fell asleep I would have the most amazing dreams about her. Dreams where cute things happened and I woke up laughing. Maybe one where we're jumping on a trampoline and we put a whole bunch of bouncy balls on it and each time a bouncy ball flew off the trampoline and hit the grass I would get to kiss her cheek. But I would only get to kiss her cheek while we were bouncing.

Or maybe I would have a dream where all I did was hold her hand everywhere we went. Even in the shower.

I smiled even bigger at that thought.

Except I always had weird creepy dreams. Ones where my house would fill with water like an aquarium and then fish with sharp teeth would swim around and whenever I moved they would be able to see me. Or I would have a dream where this woman with red hair would be in the bathroom and she would be putting on my mom's makeup. And each time I had the dream I would get closer to seeing who she was, but I never made it there.

Maybe Santana could come into those scary weird dreams and fish me out of my house or ask the lady to stop using my mom's makeup.

Santana put her hand on my back. She must have woken up. I squeezed tighter around her waist and nuzzled my face further into her chest.

We had to have been lying like this for a long time. Hours. I knew it had been hours.

I listened to her heart. It was soft. The rhythm sounded tired, but calmed. Like she was so exhausted that she was just going to lay here wide open with me and let me hold her together.

"Aren't you cold?" She asked me. Her words were scratchy. Not heavy though or weighted or stressed. The way she spoke was so light and so free. And I think that was just what happened when someone cried really hard. Afterward everything felt so easy. So of course talking would be easy.

"I'm okay." I nuzzled closer to her.

I had forgotten that I was naked. But I wasn't cold. Not even close to being cold. I liked being naked around her, and it was because she was kind of naked too, except the kind of naked that was stronger and more meaningful than mine. All I had to do was take off my clothes. She had to take down her walls by crying her eyes out.

"Do you want to get under the blankets?" She whispered.

I lifted my head from her chest and looked at her. When I had thought she sounded and felt soft, now her eyes looked the softest I had ever seen them. I sat up off of her, crossed my legs, wetted my thumb with my tongue. As gently as I could I wiped away the smeared mascara and eyeliner around her eyes. And when there was too much black on my thumb to get anything else off, I just rubbed my thumb on my leg.

"There." I wiped the last of it off. "All gone."

And then I let my eyes fall down her body. Her mouth first. The corner of her lips were slightly curved upward. Her hands were folded on her stomach now, since I had gotten up. I reached for them and linked my pinkie with hers.

"Did you have any good dreams?" I asked. My mind had started to run back over what I had been thinking about.

Her smile grew and she just shook her head _no. _

"Well, you should probably sleep more, because who knows, maybe you'll have a pretty awesome dream. Try to think about fish with sharp teeth before you fall asleep." I tightened my pinkie around hers. "Or gummy bears." I had to bite my lip to keep my smile from taking over my entire face.

Her smile grew so big and it was so bright. She shook her head at me. "You are so random sometimes." She sat up and pulled her pinkie out from mine. "Let's get under the covers. So you don't get cold?"

I nodded and then I followed her under the blankets. And when she pulled them over me, it was so much warmer. I guess I hadn't realized I was cold. But now my goose bumps went away and my nerves felt like they wanted to fall asleep.

I was shifting around trying to get comfortable. I always do that. I blamed Lord Tubbington. Usually he slept by my feet and sometimes it was hard for me to find a place to put my feet, so this was just habit.

Santana shifted too. But instead of just trying to find a comfortable way to sleep, she swung one of her legs over my waist, straddled me, and then laid on top of me. She snuck her arms between my back and between the mattress and she laid her head on my chest. "You feel good." She mumbled.

I felt good? No. She felt good. I was the one that was naked and could feel absolutely ever thing I touched. And now her cheek was resting in between my boobs. No…_She felt good. _

I hugged her and folded my hands on top of her back. "I was just thinking that if you thought about scary fish then you could come in my bad dreams and get rid of them."

"Scary fish?"

"I think they're piranhas." I told her. "Or maybe those fish that have lanterns on their heads and live at the bottom of the ocean." I cringed at the thought.

"I'll think about scary fish before I fall asleep." Santana hummed into my chest.

I closed my eyes. Maybe I would fall asleep now. It didn't matter either way. I would want to lay with her in my arms for the rest of the night, and I would be just as happy if we fell asleep like this.

Perfect night. That was what this was. Perfect. And it was the best night of my life. I knew it would be.

She caught me off guard. Her lips swallowed my bottom lip and at first I didn't know what was happening. I hadn't even felt her lift her head off my chest. But she was definitely thinking about gummy bears right now.

But the second her lips touched mine it felt so good. I felt so close to her. And I kissed her back. Gradually we kissed. And now this was completely and entirely my favorite kiss because kissing someone after they made themselves that open and scared was what dreams were made of.

When she parted her lips, just slightly, I knew it was because she wanted me to put my tongue through them. So I did. I slipped it in, slowly. As I pulled back she followed my tongue into my mouth with hers. I dropped my hands from around her back and brought them up to hold onto her face.

Dear God, now I was going to float away.

I filled my chest with so much air when our kiss broke for just a second. I wanted to be able to kiss her as long as I could. But she pushed out all that air when her body rolled against mine. I felt her hips dip and felt her clothes graze against my burning and sensitive skin.

"-na.." that was the only part of her name I was able to gasp out.

She stopped kissing me and sat up. Her eyes were the only thing I could look at. They were so thick and deep. I didn't even look when she pulled her tank top over her head and fell back down on to my mouth.

The sensation was weird. Her lips were wet and warm when they touched me, but when her chest fell against mine it felt like the parts of our skin that touched were tingling and snapping. Every part of me was so sensitive. I couldn't believe we were this close, and I couldn't believe she was topless now.

She rocked down into me and her chest slid and pressed down into me. The pressure in my body sent shivers in between my legs and I was so sticky and hot down there. I knew I was.

And right then…I could do it. I knew I could. And I knew she could. The way her body was moving, the way she was kissing me. I was going to do this for her and I was going to prove to her that even though she might not be in control of her walls all the time, she still deserved the most wonderful things.

I could hear our breathing. That was all. And our kisses. They smacked and popped and sounded wet and frantically beautiful. And I wanted to hear the noise she would make when I touched her. I wanted to hear her feel _that _good.

I started with my hand turned over, palm up, and pressed it up just against her stomach. I left it there for a while, because I got distracted by kissing and by how warm my hand felt against her. She broke from the kiss for a second and when my mouth followed her up, she smiled, bit her lip, and pulled just a little farther away. And then she pushed my head back down into the mattress with her mouth and stopped teasing me.

I started to slide my hand down and when my fingertips reached the top of her shorts, I was so so so so anxious. She had to know what I was doing. And that was what made me so anxious.

So I moved my hand under her shorts…and under her underwear.

I slipped right through her and even the wetness on her underwear slid across the back of my hand. It was shocking. That's exactly what I felt. Like my hand was being drowned and in between my legs was being shocked. I couldn't even describe the way she felt, because I had never felt something that made me feel this way. The way my fingers glided through her and over her parts almost sent me over the edge. Never did I think touching between her legs would do this to me.

I was so dazed from the feeling, that at first I hadn't noticed the whimper that shook through her lips and into mine.

I wanted to touch all of it. So I moved my fingers everywhere. And they slipped everywhere. It was so warm. Warmer than I had expected, because I always thought touching wet stuff meant that it would be kind of cold.

I used my two middle fingers. Like she had showed me. And I felt up and down, through and between the lips of her downstairs.

She broke the kiss and this time pressed her mouth into the side of my mouth and cursed. _Fuck. _

I tried dipping my fingers in a little, using a little more pressure, and each time I did that she would shiver and cursed, but this time her words were soft and right by my ear. It made my lady parts clench impossibly tighter.

She shifted the way she was straddling so now that her legs were spread farther apart. It made it so I could feel more. And now her elbows were holding her up and on either side of my head. I could see each and every emotion crawl across her face.

I was surprised at how it looked like she was experiencing every emotion at once. That was what happened when things felt too good I think, and I was sure that was what I had looked like. Shaking and parted lips, heavy eyes, and shallow breaths.

I started those circles. Up a little higher. Right on that spot that was a little softer and a little more swollen then the rest. Her body jerked and shuddered and she sucked her lips into her mouth and let out the hottest noise I have ever heard someone make. It was like she was humming with pleasure.

I moved quicker. And I kept slipping, but each time I moved back to that spot, she would shake and have to bite her lip.

And then her body started to rock with my circles. So I slowed them down. Way down. Her rocking over me like that was turning my insides. It was making the pressure inside me stack up. And it was making her chest hang and rock with her and drag across me.

I lifted my head up from the bed and kissed her. We were in this perfect little rhythm. Her tongue pushed into my mouth, she rocked down into me, and then my lady parts squeezed so tight and so hard. So then I would make another slow circle, pushing a little harder.

Finally I couldn't go slow anymore. I wanted to see how high I could get her. So I went quick. And now instead of her rocking in rhythm with me, she let out these soft grunts that I could barely hear. She stopped kissing me. And her body froze.

I made a few more circles.

And her body shivered.

Then everything came undone. All the pressure inside of her came and it came out in shattered breaths. Her body tensed and even the muscles in her stomach that were pressing against the inside of my arm twitched.

I kept my hand still and I just watched. Wide-eyed as she fell back down from the goodness that I knew she deserved.

Her chest heaved and she let herself rest down on top of me and buried her face into my neck. I wrapped my free arm around her, but kept my other hand down in her pants since it was kind of pinned there. I wasn't complaining…

"That was really hot." I whispered into her ear. And it was. It was the hottest thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

She smiled against my neck.

I rolled us. And as I did I pulled my hand out from her underwear. I stopped rolling so we were on our sides. And when she laid on her back I laid my head on her chest and pulled the blankets to cover us. "Best night ever." I whispered and closed my eyes. "With the best person ever."

Even though my downstairs was begging for her to touch it, I wanted her to have this moment. It was a lot, especially for her. And I think I would rather lie with her, on her, listen to her breath and think, than do anything else right now.

She was still trying to catch her breath and the way my head lifted and fell with her breaths, against her naked chest, was so comforting. My ear was so close to her and I felt like I could hear anything she wanted me too.

"…best night ever." She mumbled to me right when I thought that we were going to lay still and fall asleep.

I peeked up at her and her eyes were closed and she looked so close to sleep. I laid my head back on her chest. I closed my eyes. And I fell asleep.

**xxxxXX**

**thanks again stephanie**


	19. Secrets

**a/n : First. Please go watch this, add youtube the beginning of the link. Someone so very nice made this. It's amazing and I can't believe it. It's a trailer for the story. Wonderful- .com/watch?v=xnmdvpAOLxY&feature=**

**so i apologize for updating a day late. i've been so very insanely busy. My beta is insisting that I start updating my chapters every 3-4 days. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to keep up with my schedule if I don't have an extra day to spare for these updates. :) **

**Anyways, thank you all again for reading. I appreciate it so much. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Let me know! **

**oh and here's the song for the chapter, don't forget to add youtube to the beginning of the link .com/watch?v=9vfEwovOq4E**

**And I do have a tumblr for anyone interested. the link to it is on my ff profile page. My tumblr name is frogsRcool :) of course.**

**Chapter 19: Secrets**

"Can I ask you a question?" I tapped Rachel's shoulder blade.

She spun around to face me. I had been standing behind her for a couple of seconds trying to decide if I should even ask the question in the first place. But she was the smartest person when it came to this kind of stuff. She knew absolutely everything about everything when it came to music, probably because she was so good at singing. So if I were to ask anyone about picking a song, then it would be her.

Rachel smiled and nodded her head. She always got the same smile whenever I asked her if I could ask a question. Kind of like she was happy I had decided to come to her, but not surprised I would ask her a question in the first place.

"Well," I folded my hands in front of me and then spun back around to make sure none of the girls were sneaking up, even though the front podium was pretty secluded. Mercedes and Quinn were at the bar serving drinks and it looked like Santana and Tina were in the back getting food from the kitchen for their tables. I looked back to Rachel, "I wanted to ask about singing."

Her eyes bugged, but she took a deep breath and calmed herself. "You want to sing?"

I shrugged.

"Okay...Well, I don't see why not." I snapped my eyes up to her and smiled. For a second there I thought she was going to tell me I shouldn't or couldn't. "I'm just not sure you can get over your nerves." Now my shoulders dropped. Guess I was half right about Rachel's response.

"But I want to. I want to sing a song to someone…really bad." I held my breath so I could stop talking. I didn't want to start blabbing and ruin the secret, especially when everything was so perfect right now. Perfect, perfect, perfect. She was the most perfect girl in the entire world and I loved her. I really did. Using the word love was _new…_Wow. I guess that feeling wasn't pretend after all, it was just blind. I guess that blind-love saying was true. Or, well, I still didn't know how love could be blind, because that didn't make sense, but it makes sense that people were blind until they find love.

Plus, you couldn't really be blind around Santana because she was ridiculously pretty. Pretty on the inside and outside, because I'm positive real blind people would think she was the most gorgeous person they had ever met.

Maybe she'll let me close my eyes when I'm around her. Good things happened when my eyes were closed and she was around. Like kissing. I felt my mouth pull into a smile. Kissing and dreams.

Then I remembered Rachel was supposed to say something, so I focused my attention back on her. She had that same smile back on her face. The one she had gotten when I asked if I could ask her a question.

"What'd you say?" I asked. I was pretty sure she had said something and I hadn't heard it.

She laughed and then turned her attention to the front door. Someone had walked in. She pulled out a menu and stepped toward the guy. "Good afternoon." Rachel smiled. "Welcome to Shuester's. A table for one? Or would you like to take a seat up at our bar?"

He looked really familiar. Glasses. Sweater vest. Where had I seen him before?

"Actually," he smiled. It was a cute dorky little smile. Why was he so familiar? "I'm looking for someone who works here."

"Oh," Rachel glanced over her shoulder at me, which then made him look at me. She turned back to him. "Who would that be?" She put the menu back in the podium.

"She's right here." He pointed at me and nodded a _thank you _to Rachel. He took a step towards me and held out his hand. "Hi." He had this weird nervous-confidence about him. Like he knew what he was doing, but at the same time he didn't. I think it was the sweater vest that was throwing me off, because my dad wears sweater vests sometimes.

I shook his hand and glanced at Rachel. She looked just as confused as I felt.

"You probably don't remember me." He pulled his hand away, but kept his smile. "Artie."

I shook my head. I still couldn't remember him. But he looked familiar. So very familiar.

"Good. I was hoping you wouldn't. You see, and I hope this doesn't sound weird, but I've been wanting to come back in and apologize for asking your name a few nights ago. You probably get asked questions like that from losers all the time. I didn't want to come off as rude. You were busy and I doubt you want to deal with things like that."

Cowboy night! He had ordered a whiskey sour. "Whiskey sour!" I nearly shouted, right as I remembered it.

He nodded and glanced down at his feet, but only for a second, before he looked back up. "But now that I've apologized I was hoping I could know your name?"

I glanced at Rachel and then back to him. "Brittany." I held my hand back out for a handshake again, because it felt weird just saying my name without doing anything.

He shook it for a second time. "It's nice to meet you Brittany." He stepped back. "Okay, well. I'm sure I'll see you again." He held up his hand to wave goodbye and then headed out the front door.

As soon as he stepped out, Quinn walked up. She watched him through the glass doors until he got into his car. It was a truck. Not huge like my truck, but definitely way more expensive. Quinn turned to me. "Do you know him?"

"Now I do." I shrugged. "He ordered a whiskey sour on cowboy night and wanted to say sorry for asking me my name because he thought it was rude." I narrowed my eyes as I repeated and summarized what he had said. And then I narrowed my eyes further, because why would someone apologize for that?

"I went to school with him," she scowled and looked back at me. "I never talked to him, but he always was super weird with girls. Never dated anyone…just. I don't know."

"I didn't think that was weird…" I replayed the conversation through my head for a second time. It was actually kind of sweet. He didn't need to say anything to me, or apologize, especially because I hadn't remembered who he was. "He just apologized for asking my name when it was busy. And then he re-asked my name right now."

"Oh, God." Quinn rolled her eyes.

"Oh, I'm not interested in him." I quickly clarified, so she didn't have to worry about his _weirdness _towards girls. And it was true. He was a cute guy and sweet, but I wasn't even interested in the tiniest bit. I liked someone else. "I like someone else."

Both Quinn and Rachel shot their full attention to me. I wasn't really sure why Rachel did that. I had _just_ told her I wanted to sing a song to someone. But both of them were looking at me like I had said the most important thing in the world. Was that too much to say? I matched their expression now. Uh oh.

"Soo," I hummed and tried to think of something to change the subject. "Remember when Santana sang during country night?" My heart almost fell out. Holy crap...Could I be any more obvious? "…And we line danced Rachel." I added. Better. That was better, right? Rachel was like a tornado whenever you said her name or brought up something that involved her.

"You want to sing a country song? Those are always excellent for expressing feelings. Carrie Underwood for example, like when I had sang her song during country night. I'm not sure you have the vocal range to sing one of those songs, but if you really wanted I'm sure Brad and the band can work with you and alter something. Even I can help. I have a playlist of songs I made for this exact reason, and I think there's a country one on it."

Quinn cut her off without even looking at her. She just held up her hand. "Wait…?" She eyed me and looked completely jumbled. But Quinn was always sort of jumbly…I could never figure out what she was thinking. "You like someone? Who?" She whispered, and I think she whispered, because the word _who _had snuck past her lips without her wanting it to.

Crap. Not only was she jumbly, but she was an opposite tornado. She went right back to talking about the one thing that I wanted to avoid right now.

Safest way to answer this was to just nod my head. So I nodded once.

Quinn mirrored my nod. And now she looked like a tornado and like she was taking in and spinning around all the information in her mind. What if she figured out who I liked? She had seen the hickeys that one morning…She knew I had stayed at Santana's.

I gulped.

"So, Brittany," Rachel spoke. "What song were you thinking?" She pulled out her phone. "We can look through my music and pick you something. Here," she grabbed my elbow and pulled me away from Quinn before Quinn figured out what I was talking about. _Thank God._ Rachel set her phone on the podium and loaded her music. I watched her flick through a few songs. "Let's see. Is there a specific genre you were thinking? Maybe we could just brainstorm a few ideas." She peeked past me to where Quinn had been standing.

But Quinn was already walking back to the bar. "Good," Rachel sighed. "She's so frustrating sometimes. Thinks she knows everything," Rachel rolled her eyes. "So," Rachel looked back at me. "I think any of these songs would fit perfectly." She opened a playlist of about ten songs. "After what happened when you sang the other night I figured you would consider wanting to sing again. Sometime. And so I made you a playlist. Songs that I know your vocal would be able reach. That way maybe you won't freeze up again."

"Cool!" I started to look through the songs. "What do they all mean? Maybe," I looked up, "maybe I could sing the song that goes, _sugar on my tongue," _I started softly to sing the song, "And that's all I know of the song." I picked up her phone and started to search for the song. "What's it called?"

Rachel looked so doe-eyed. "U-uh," she stuttered, "Sugar, I think, you have to search the internet for it. I don't have it on my phone. But I really don't think that's an appropriate song for this situation. Do you?" She was talking so quick. "I mean, there's more than one vocal in it. And I guess it will fit your range, but that's a lot of words to remember Brittany. And I mean, we could tweak the lyrics so it's talking about him being like sugar…But still."

She continued and I just continued to search for the song. I found it. And then I pushed play. Rachel immediately stopped talking and tried to swipe her phone away. "Brittany, turn that down."

I leapt away and held it from her. "No. Just one song. We play music here all the time." I started to clap one of my hands against my wrist to the beat, since I was holding her phone in my other hand. And I kept walking away from her as she followed me.

"_She put that sugar…on my tongue. She's gonna, gimme gimme some…" _It was so much easier to sing to the song when music was playing. I couldn't remember lyrics unless someone else was already singing it.

"Brittany!" Rachel hissed over the music and tried to grab her phone again.

I side stepped away from her, spun, and kept singing and clapping. "_And gimme some of your butter pecan!" _I pointed at her.

Finally she cracked. And she laughed. And now I think she was going to let me finish the song. I turned around, kept singing and grinded my butt against her butt. But I spun away before she got embarrassed or jumped away herself. And I pointed at her again, "_Orally, I speak the truth cause the blacker the berry the sweeter the juice." _

Now she covered her face with her hands and started to walk back to the podium. I followed her back to the podium and set the phone on it, while I kept singing. I was pretty sure she wouldn't stop the song now.

Mercedes poked her head out and walked to stand next to Rachel. She had the funnest smile on her face. And she was clapping just like I was.

Then it got to the point where I couldn't remember any more of the words, because Rachel was right when she said the song had a lot of words. So I just sang the chorus and danced the rest of the time and when the song ended I bowed and looked up to see Mercedes and Tina clapping for me.

But when Santana walked up, I smiled so big. She was laughing and clapping along with the other girls. I bowed again.

I was a little out of breath. That was a long song. I skipped back to Rachel and looked at her phone. "Six minutes long!" I gasped. "No way. That's way too long."

"Those were some pretty rad dance moves." Santana spoke. "Impressive."

My entire body was smiling. Compliments from her were gold.

"Brittany used to take dance classes," Mercedes answered for me since I was still focused on Rachel's phone and too busy grinning from ear to ear. But I nodded to confirm that Mercedes was right.

"Used to?" Santana asked.

Now I looked up. "They're too expensive. I stopped when I was fourteen. I did ballet and hip hop and ballroom. All the kinds of dance you could think of."

Mercedes spoke. "All the dance moves I know, I learned from _youtube_."

"I do that all the time." I snapped my attention to Mercedes. "That's how I learned to shake my Laffy Taffy."

Santana clapped and threw her head back laughing. Mercedes laughed too. Even Rachel couldn't hold back a small laugh.

I loved making people laugh. And I loved that Santana now looked like the happiest person in the world.

"Well," Rachel started, "As much fun as that little performance was, like I said, I'm not sure if it would work."

My heart skipped a beat. But then I remembered that I hadn't told Rachel who I was singing too, and Mercedes didn't know who I liked either. Santana knew who I liked though. And I guess it was okay that she knew I was singing a song to someone I liked. She knew last time.

"It's too long." I was starting to catch my breath now. "And you're right. There are way too many words."

"You're singing?" Mercedes' voice rose. "But what about last time?"

"I'm thinking about singing. Me and Rachel are making a brainstorm." I nodded. "So that way I can fully prepare and maybe if I get up on stage then I'll have had lots and lots of practice and I won't almost puke or pass out." I glanced at Santana. She was staring at me. I made my glance short, because even though the girls didn't notice Santana staring, I think they would notice if I stared back.

My face started to heat up and my body felt so hot. I could feel a smile trying to slip through my lips and I was pretty sure that it was slipping through even if I was begging it not to.

"This is getting out of hand girl." Mercedes nudged me. "Who are you singing these songs too? I have _never _seen you like this."

"Usually you can't even remember the names of the guys you…" Rachel started and then stopped herself. "Well, usually you couldn't care less about the boys you _hang _out with."

That was true. I didn't remember half the guys I had done stuff to. Too many to care.

"Uh?" Santana snapped and cocked an eyebrow at Rachel. "Coming from the girl who will probably end up tattooing some guys name on her arm when a guy actually feels bad enough to talk to you."

"I didn't mean it like that." Rachel avoided eye contact with Santana and just looked at me. She looked a little flustered and that was probably because I guess Santana looked pissed. "I just meant that I'm glad you found someone you like."

Now I was blushing so bad. I knew nobody but Santana knew the secret, but that didn't stop my heart from flipping and my tummy from spinning. I stole a peek at Santana and she was still scowling at Rachel. I blushed even brighter. Santana was doing things and giving me things that weren't necessary. She didn't have to say that after what Rachel had said. I knew what Rachel meant…It was just sometimes Rachel said things without thinking, or thought that what she was saying was completely fine. And it usually was fine.

"I did." I answered Rachel and stole one more peek at Santana. Her scowl was gone and her eyes were locked back on me. They looked so soft. Just like they had looked last night when she had woken up from crying.

That look on her face only lasted a second, until Mercedes turned to her. "Let's get back to our tables."

Santana nodded and then headed off with Mercedes.

I went back to looking for songs with Rachel. I let her explain what each song meant. She was able to explain half the songs on the list before my break was over. We specially marked some songs as _maybe _and took others completely off the list. She even added a few to the list after we had sorted through them.

**xxXXXXXXxxx**

Santana took me to the store after work. We were able to leave early, since Holly showed up. She said she would cover for us after I asked her what color of swimsuit I should get for Tina's boyfriend's barbecue and swim party. Holly said it didn't matter what color I got just as long as my boobs looked hot. Good thing Santana was going with me.

I ended up getting a pink one. Santana said they all looked good and told me just to pick my favorite color. And after I bought my swimsuit, we ended up having an hour to spare before Tina got off work. So we looked at clothes too.

She was fun to shop with. Better than Rachel, because Rachel always gave me weird looks when I picked out clothes, so I would just end up letting her choose clothes and I would pick from what she had picked. But Santana walked around with me and sometimes would suggest things or tell me that a shirt was cute, but whenever I picked something out she would let me hang it over her arms and then would say that I should try on all the colors. We had to make four trips to the dressing room, because her arms kept getting so full.

When we left I had ended up only buying the swimsuit and a long tank top that I could wear over my swimsuit. It had a panda eating grapes on it. I liked it because of the panda. Santana liked it because it was kind of see-through. And I guess I liked it for that reason too, because now people would be able to see my swimsuit and the tank top at the same time.

We had just gotten to Mike and Tina's. Santana had to use the bathroom so I just headed straight out back and plopped down, belly first, on an old plastic lawn chair beside the pool.

My body was so tired. I hadn't realized it until Santana and me were driving over here and I almost fell asleep in the car. She asked if I wanted to just skip the barbecue and take a nap at her place, but there was no way I was going to skip, especially if I told Tina I was coming.

The lawn chair was so comfy. And the sun was so perfectly warm.

…

Santana must have snuck up. I heard her. So I shifted against the lawn chair, as I was still on my stomach, and turned my head so I could look at her instead of look at the fence.

Best leopard print bikini ever…

I couldn't even say anything. Speechless. Dear Lordy, she was the sexiest person ever. I hadn't even gotten the chance yet to see her in her bra. But I guess I had already seen her boobs a couple of times. I bet everyone would be jealous if they knew that.

My eyes flicked down to her matching leopard bikini bottoms.

"Britt?" She hushed my name.

I dragged my eyes back up her body and they almost got stuck on her boobs. But eventually I found her eyes, which were covered with super cute sunglasses.

"You should wear a swimsuit all the time," I whispered. It was safe to say that though, because everyone was on the other side of the pool and not paying attention to us.

She smiled. "You know what else I should wear?" Santana hushed again. "A strap-on."

…

My body jolted, my eyes snapped open, and now I was looking at the fence again. Was that a dream? I unstuck my cheek from the plastic chair, and turned my head to look at the chair beside me. Santana was lying there, just like she had been in my dream. Except she had different sunglasses and was wearing an all-black bikini. She was resting her hands on her stomach, legs crossed, and looking through her phone.

I pushed myself up from my stomach and moved around until I was able to lie on my back.

"You're awake?" She asked.

"Sorry." I sounded groggy. "I didn't mean to fall asleep."

"It's fine." She set her phone down on the concrete. "Are you sure you don't want to head to my house and sleep?" She pulled her sunglasses up to the top of her head.

"No, I'm not gonna sleep again," I yawned.

She laughed and nodded her head in disbelief.

But the sleepiness would go away. It always did. I just needed to have a second to wake up.

I wanted to lie there with Santana until my body completely woke up, but if I did that I might just end up falling back asleep. Maybe Santana was right. I felt so tired. I guess I had only gotten a couple hours of sleep last night, and the night before wasn't much better. So I sat up. Stood up. And then I looked down at Santana. She had locked her eyes on me.

"I need to use the bathroom. And then I'm going to come back and jump in the pool." I told her. I figured jumping in the pool would definitely wake me up, especially if I did a cannonball. I turned to look at the pool. Nobody had gotten into it yet. I'll make sure I jump near the side where everyone's standing, so they'll get wet and then _have _to get into the pool. I turned to see who all was here. Mike and Tina were hovering over the barbecue. Rachel was sitting on a lawn chair with Mercedes and talking to Finn who was standing above them. Even Kurt had showed up with Blaine. _Cool. _

I turned back to Santana. "You look super hot by the way." And then I spun on my heels and ran around the pool and toward the house.

When I got inside Quinn was sitting at the kitchen table and staring at her phone. She hadn't even noticed me walk in. So I walked right up to her and tapped her shoulder. "Hey!"

She slowly drew her gaze up at me and returned a smile. She looked tired. "Oh, hey Brittany."

"Why are you inside?" I looked around the empty kitchen. Mike's place was so cute and perfect. And I was pretty sure Tina lived here with him even though she had a room at her parents. She had decorated everything. I wish I had a place of my own so I could decorate it with cool and fancy things. "You should go outside with everyone. Santana's out there on a lawn chair. And Finn's out there. But he's listening to Rachel talk."

She laughed softly. But the laugh didn't change her mood. She still looked sleepy, almost worn out.

"Why so glum?" I pulled out a chair and squeezed my bladder. I really did have to pee, but I could hold it.

"Huh?" I guess she hadn't expected me to pull up a seat next to her or ask that question. "Oh. I'm not. Just tired." She shrugged. And then she smiled. "I saw you sleeping out there."

"Oh," I turned to look back through the glass sliding door. Santana was starting to get out of her chair. "Yeah, that was on accident. I didn't mean too. But you can take my spot if you want. I'll stand guard so nobody splashes you with water."

Finally her mood seemed to lighten. "No," she softly laughed and pulled her eyes down to the table. "That's sweet of you. I'm fine though."

I started to drum my fingers on the table and Quinn watched me drum. She really did look a little down. "Are you excited for lunch tomorrow?" I asked. I was really excited and maybe if she thought about exciting things then she'd feel better. "I haven't been to Breadstix since I was little. I want to look up their menu online so I can fully prepare myself for which soup I'm going to choose. And which beverage I want, even though I'll probably just get water. But maybe not."

"They make excellent strawberry lemonade." Quinn said and looked up from the table.

"Then I'll get that. Yum." I hummed.

"Can I…" Quinn started, but then stopped. She took a breath glanced around the empty house and then looked back to me. "Can I ask you a weird question?"

"Yes. Especially if it's weird." I smiled. It was rare people asked me questions, or even wanted an answer from me.

"Actually," She shook her head, "never mind." She waved her hands. "I'll ask you tomorrow. That's what the lunch is for right?"

"Uh…" The lunch was for talking about boob grabbing…right? _Crap. _What if she was going to ask about that and why I did it? It's not like girls usually slid their hand up a _guys'_ shirts and squeeze their boob…_Crap, crap, crap. _"You…can ask me now. If you want?" I swallowed my breath.

"Oh no." Quinn stood up and pushed her chair in. "It's really not even that big of a deal." Now she looked so put together and when she said _it wasn't that big of a deal_, I believed her. She wouldn't have any reason to lie to me, and I could wait until tomorrow. "Want to head out back?"

I stood up and pushed my chair in. "I have to pee."

"I'll see you out there then." She stepped toward the door and I raced for the bathroom.

I peed as fast as I could. And then I pulled off my panda shirt and folded it on Tina's counter. But then I didn't want to leave it there, because I always lost clothes when I set them places at people's houses. I could put it in Santana's car. She left the window down. If it was in her car I would never lose it.

So I raced back out of the bathroom and out the front door with the shirt balled up in my hands. It was so warm outside even if it was getting a bit later. It had to be somewhere around 6pm. At least. That's when Tina told everyone to show up and everyone was just showing up.

When I reached Santana's car someone called my name. It was a boy. I spun to look for the voice and found him when he called my name for a second time. "Brittany!" I looked down the road. Puck was leaning against his car and smoking a cigarette.

I chucked the shirt into Santana's car, waved at him, and then started walking towards him. "Hey!" I smiled. "Are you going to come in?"

He took a huge puff of his cigarette and then let it out right before I reached him. He shook his head. "Nah. Don't think Santana wants me there."

I frowned.

"I was texting her, but she hasn't responded for a while." He took another puff of his cigarette. "Oh," he let the smoke out. "I wanted to apologize for what happened at the bar. I know I said I wouldn't say that kind of stuff again. I just," he shrugged.

"Oh. Okay." I smiled. He was a nice guy. So I told him, "That's nice of you." I didn't ever remember a guy apologizing to me for anything. Well, excluding Sam, and when he did apologize it was just for things like spilling his beer on me or accidentally stepping on my feet when we danced.

He held his cigarette out towards me, "Want some?"

I shook my head. "I don't smoke." I had tried smoking one of my mom's cigarettes before and it wasn't really that good. When my mom had handed me a cigarette to light for her I snuck a puff once in the kitchen. It was a tiny puff and I didn't even inhale it. But I didn't like it.

Whenever I thought of cigarettes I thought of the toaster at my house. My mom used to ask me to light her cigarettes in the toaster when she lost her lighter. The left side was for lighting, the right side was for toast. I used to love poking the cigarette in. And I loved watching the end of it turn orange as I pushed it against the wires inside the toaster. And then when my sister got tall enough to reach the toaster, she started doing it. And now my mom just does it.

"Oh," he took a final puff and then put it out against his car. And then he flicked it off down the street. "So," he looked back at me and then ran his eyes over my swimsuit, "love the swimsuit."

"Thanks." I smiled again. "Santana and me went shopping after work. I also bought a panda tank top, but I just threw it in her car." I turned back to look at her car and then I looked back at Puck. "Maybe if you apologize to Santana then you can come in?"

He shrugged and then stuffed his hands into his pockets. "Yeah. I did. She usually takes a few days to cool off or forget about things. Besides, Quinn's in there too and I'm not too sure she'd want me there either."

"Did you ask her?"

He shook his head. "No. Just talked to her though." He pulled his hands out of his pocket and then turned and opened the passenger door of his car. He leaned in and then leaned out with something in his hand. "Want to try some of this?"

I stood on my tippy toes, even though I could see perfectly fine. He was holding another cigarette, except it looked a lot smaller and not as round. "What is that?"

He pulled out a lighter from his pocket.

"Is that weed?" My eyes got big. "What if someone sees? Maybe you should hide in the bushes and do that." I looked for some bushes, but there weren't any nearby.

"Nobody will see." He put it in his mouth and held the lighter up to the end of it. He lit it and then inhaled. The end glowed orange.

I smelled it right away. I had never smoked weed. I didn't have anything against it, I had just never done it. But I had been to dozens and dozens of parties where people smoked weed. I even sat in a car with a whole bunch of guys who hot-boxed. I couldn't tell if I got high then, because I had been so drunk and ended up passing out.

He held in the smoke and then held the little weed cigarette towards me. I knew my eyes were still huge. I guess I was curious…

He let out the smoke he was holding in his lungs. "Did you want a hit?"

I grabbed it from him and pinched it between my pointer finger and thumb. "It went out. I've never smoked this before. What do I do?"

"It's easy." He held up the lighter in between us. "I'll light it for you. Just put it in your mouth and suck. Just like you're taking a deep breath, not like you're swallowing food. And hold it as long as you can."

I did exactly as he said. I put it through my lips and when he lit it I inhaled. The smoke shot straight down my throat. It was warm and made my throat feel like it had been scratched warm. Like a rug burn. And then it went into my chest and I couldn't breathe.

I coughed. And coughed. I couldn't breathe. My coughs felt so stuffed down and suffocated. And they hurt. Weed didn't really taste like it smelled either. It tasted like smoke. I coughed some more.

Puck rubbed my back. "Ow," I coughed as I said the word.

"Dude," I noticed he had taken the weed from me at one point, "that was awesome."

I kept coughing. "It," _cough, _"didn't feel awesome."

He patted my back twice more, and then took a hit from the little cigarette.

My coughs died down. And now my throat just hurt. And I didn't really feel anything. "How long till it works?"

"Here." He held the weed back for me to grab. "Do it one more time."

I took it hesitantly. I didn't want to cough again like that. That hurt. "How do I not cough again?" I was still holding it awkwardly between us.

"Just go slower." He held up the lighter.

I put it to my lips again and he lit it again. I sucked slower. The smoke crept down my throat and again it burned. I sucked until I couldn't breathe anymore. And then I started coughing, because I couldn't breathe. I think my throat had fallen out earlier so the coughs didn't hurt as bad this time. But they were still those deep, gasping, coughs that sounded like I was drowning.

"What a champ." Puck took the weed from me for the second time.

I shook my head. No more. That hurt. I needed to practice with like, water vapor before I tried this again. I had an old humidifier at home. Somewhere. I wasn't sure why my family had it. At least I think that was what it was. Except, I didn't know how it worked. Maybe I'll just take a steamy shower.

"There you are." I heard Santana's voice.

I spun around to face her, and tried to smile, but I coughed.

She scowled at my cough and then shot her eyes at Puck. It was like she had just noticed he was there. "What the hell are you doing here? Are smoking?" She snapped at him and then dragged her eyes to me, but her scowl was gone and now she looked kind of surprised. "Are you smoking?" She asked me and it was much softer than the way she had asked Puck.

I nodded, because I was afraid talking would hurt.

I think she was unsure how to respond.

So I tried talking and it wasn't bad at all. "I wanted to try it." I explained so she didn't get mad at Puck. Though I didn't think she would anyway. I think she was just mad that he was out here.

"You've never done it?" Her eyes widened. "How much did you smoke?" Her scowl was back.

"It's fine." Puck interrupted and held the weed out for her. "She took two hits. Here."

Santana took a second to respond to Puck. And then she shook her head _no_.

He looked surprised when she did that. "Fine. Your loss." He put it back in his mouth and lit the end of it again. And then his eyes locked on her chest as he smoked. Santana didn't notice though.

"Come on Britt." Santana put her hand on my shoulder and started to lead me back to the house. "They're almost done with the food."

I let her lead me. I turned to look over my shoulder and waved bye to Puck. He waved and then we went back in the house.

Santana said I didn't smell like weed when I asked her. I didn't want to smell like it. I just wanted to try it. And it wasn't even working, but she said it takes a few minutes sometimes. I told her everything Puck said, even the stuff about him apologizing. I didn't want him to be left out, or feel like he didn't belong. He did, he just said something he shouldn't have.

I think he really liked her. I mean, why else would he be hanging outside. Hopefully I didn't have to compete, because I wasn't a boy. And I didn't have a cool mohawk. But either way, I would make sure Santana and I stayed friends. No matter what.

"You look super hot too." Santana whispered right before she stepped out into the backyard after we had talked inside the house for a few minutes.

I smiled. I couldn't stop the smile. It was stuck on my face. I shut the door behind me and I followed her to the barbecue. I wanted to reach for her hand. It was right there. Hanging right by her hip, which was right by her butt. I let out a little _hm, _and kept my smile.

She glanced over her shoulder at me, smirked, and then cocked her eyebrow before turning back forward.

When we reached the barbecue I linked my arm with Quinn's. She was standing and talking with Tina. I didn't say anything. I just watched Mike cook and listened to Tina and Quinn talk. Santana stood on the other side of Quinn since Rachel was right next to me and now everyone had made a little half circle around the barbecue.

I felt like a dad. Cause I was pretty sure dads hung around barbecues and chatted. Well, my dad did. Not to himself. To the neighbors if they came over. And when they used to come over they would all stand on the back patio with him and I would go into the middle of the yard with my sister and we would have hula hooping contests. I always won, because she didn't even know how to do it. She just jumped through it like a jump rope.

I leaned my head on Quinn's shoulder and I hugged her arm tighter. And then I looked over to where Santana was. She was watching me and I think she was trying to hide her smile. She winked at me though.

I swear everyone talked for hours and hours. But that couldn't have been true, because the hotdogs would have turned black. And when I looked at them they still weren't even fully cooked yet.

"There he is!" Mike pointed behind us.

I dropped Quinn's arm and spun around.

I think the weed was working, because instead of me feeling like I was moving, it felt like everything was moving for me. Like I was in the middle of a stage and everyone just moved props around so I would think I was moving. It also felt like someone had wrapped a warm towel around my brain. That was the only way I could describe it. Not a super warm towel. I was still able to think and do what I wanted. Just a towel that was a little warm...

"What's up man?" Sam nodded at him. Sam and Mike were buddies. They played games together. Mario and stuff. I don't know. Little Russian mustache man. Or no, not Russian. I don't know. He had an accent. Sam was him for Halloween once and wore a cool red hat and carried chocolate coins in his pocket.

I waved at Sam.

"What's up dork?" He walked over to me. "How come you're not in the pool?" And that's when I noticed he was wearing just swim trunks.

"I forgot to." I said. And I could feel my cheeks begin to hurt from smiling so much. How much had I been smiling? But I had forgotten about the pool. I was going to cannonball into it.

"Well," he walked over, ducked, and hugged behind my knees. And then he stood up with me and flung me over his shoulder. Everything moved so fast and I let out a laughing scream. "Let's fix that," he grunted.

"Put me down. I'm not potatoes." I tried to say it seriously, but I couldn't stop laughing. Everyone else was laughing too. And I was kicking.

At first I thought he was just going to throw me in, but then he jumped and he was still holding me when the water slapped my face.

I had forgotten to hold my breath. I think he knew that, because he didn't hold me for long. He let go right away and I flapped around so I could try to find which way was up. It was easy though, because the pool was only four feet deep on this end and I could stand. So I stood on my toes and took the biggest breath of air when I poked my head above the water. My ears popped when I surfaced and I could still hear everyone cheering and laughing.

I wiped the water from my eyes and when I opened them. I saw Santana smiling. She had moved to stand near the edge of the pool. Maybe she thought she would have to fish me out like one of those sharp teeth fished I told her about in my dreams.

She crouched and held her hands out for me to grab.

I narrowed my eyes at her and bounced over to the edge. I grabbed her hands. "I'm going to pull you in." I warned her.

Her eyes got big, but she didn't say no.

So I pulled her in and when she hit the water I heard another explosion of laughter. Santana had come up from the water and she still had the hugest smile. She ran her hands through her hair and pulled it away from her face.

And then Sam swam up behind her. He grabbed around her waist and started to pull her to the deep end. She was laughing and kicking and smiling so much. I wasn't even sure what he was going to do, or why she was laughing, but I was laughing too.

"We need more people." I turned to face everyone. "Rachel!" I yelled her name. "Come in." I held my hand out for her.

She shook her head no, but was smiling.

"Fine…help me out of the water…" I knew she wouldn't fall for that.

Finn pulled his shirt over his head. I think he was going to get in.

"Do a cannonball!" I yelled at him.

And he did a super huge cannonball and got water on the barbecue. Now the hotdogs were going to taste like chlorine. Fine by me.

Tina and eventually Rachel got into the pool. But Rachel just slipped in after hanging her feet over the edge for like ten minutes.

The boys swim-raced. I just floated on my back. I floated until Santana splashed water on my face. Not enough for me to drown. Just a sprinkle. That's when I noticed that warm blanket around my brain was kind of starting to go away. It really didn't last that long. But that was okay.

"You hungry?" Santana asked as she swam past me and flicked more water on me.

"Yes." I answered her. And then I stopped floating and followed her to the edge of the pool.

We climbed out and after I shook out my hair, we went and grabbed food. We were the first ones to sit at the table Mike had brought outside. Everyone else was hanging around the pool still.

I squirted a whole bunch of ketchup on my hot dog. Too much. So then Santana offered to take some off and put it on her hot dog.

"So," Santana started. She took a bite of her food and covered her mouth as she spoke, "what were you dreaming about earlier?"

I swallowed the food in my mouth before I answered. "Last night?"

"No," she glanced to the pool and back to me. "Over on the other side of the pool. You kept mumbling something about a leopard." She smirked.

I bit my lip and then took another bite of my hot dog so I didn't have to answer. Then I just shrugged. "Secret." I mumbled.

"I bet it is."

**XXXXxxx**

**Thanks Stephanie**


	20. Breakfast, Lunch

**a/n : first, watch this if you haven't, watch it again if you have. it's a trailer made by someone for this fic, here's the link (add youtube to the beginning) .com/watch?v=xnmdvpAOLxY**

**And, the songin this chapter .com/watch?v=aIRoMV8ycgk  
>and it's the version that plays on the radio, there's an un-edited version<strong>

**Also, thank you amazing readers. I have a tumblr if you do ;) Hm. Lots happens in this chapter, so let me know what you think... **

**Chapter 20 : Breakfast, Lunch...**

Santana and me left the barbecue when everyone else did. Sometime around midnight. I had yawned so much. Thinking about it made me yawn again. I scooted back into the couch in Santana's living room. It was big, brown, and felt like the most comfortable thing ever.

Where was Santana? I glanced around the empty living room, but then remembered she had run back outside to grab something she had forgotten from her car.

I yawned again. I was so sleepy. I guess I could lie down until she got back inside. I would hear her come in the front door. So I tipped over, pulled my feet up, and curled up sideways on two cushions of the couch.

**XxxxX**

Something was clicking. It clicked slowly and then I heard this weird hissing noise.

My eyes snapped open. It was morning, when seconds before it had been dark inside of Santana's living room. I moved my hands up to my eyes and a blanket that was barely hanging on to me fell to the floor. The hissing stopped and the clicking noise didn't start again.

I rubbed and rubbed and rubbed my eyes. When I opened them back up I saw Santana lying on the little baby couch across from me. Her back was to me, her face was stuffed into the backrest, and her leg was hanging over the armrest.

Why were we out here? I tried to remember the night before, but I wanted to find that weird clicking noise first.

I peeked down at my feet and nearly jumped out of my skin. It felt like someone had pulled my skin away from my body and snapped it back. Marcus was standing there with a toy fire truck in one hand and a plastic dinosaur in the other. His eyes were wide and he wasn't moving.

He set the toys down, dropped to his knees and reached underneath the couch. I watched as he reached for something and then stood up holding his blanket. "Use this one." He held the corners of the blanket and tried to swing and float it over my body. But it was so small and he wasn't very tall, so it just ended up wrinkling up over my hip.

I looked back down at the blanket on the floor that had fallen off of me. It was the big black blanket from Santana's bed. I looked back to Santana. She had the sheet from her bed.

The clicking noise started again. I looked down to see Marcus reversing his toy fire truck on the carpet. When he lifted it up, the wheels hissed and spun. And then he flew it over me starting at my feet, keeping it an inch off my body, and then running it up my leg so he could jump it off my hip. He flew it and crashed it into the carpet and made his own explosion noise.

He left the fire truck on the floor and then stood back up and looked at me. "Can you make chocolate milk?" He peeked over his shoulder to look at Santana and then he stepped closer to me and whispered. "I tried to ask Santana and she stole my _transaurus _and hid it in the couch," he looked back at her and pointed to the couch. I laughed because I was pretty sure _transaurus _was not how that dinosaurs name was supposed to be said. Then he stepped even closer to me. "She said if I kept waking her up she would steal all my dinosaurs and feed them to the couch." His eyes got huge. "Can you make her a cup too, so she'll get my dinosaur back out of the couch for me?"

I smiled and nodded.

He jumped and then snatched his blanket off of me, dropped it to the floor, and then kicked it under the couch.

I sat up and stretched my arms as high as I could.

"Is that a wild panda?" He pointed at my shirt.

I looked down and saw that I was still wearing the panda tank top I had put back on after the barbecue. "Santana helped me pick it out." I stood up.

He grabbed the bottom of the tank top that went halfway down my thigh and started pulling me to the kitchen.

Right when we stepped into the kitchen I saw Santana's mom. She was cooking something over the stove.

I froze and snapped my eyes down to my lack of pants. But then I figured it could be worse, because the night before I hadn't even been wearing clothes.

Marcus let go of my shirt and ran over to Santana's mom. "Tia!" He patted her thigh. "Can we make chocolate milk?"

She looked from her frying pan, to Marcus, and then over to me.

I held my breath and just smiled.

"Good morning sweetie," she returned the smile.

"Good morning Maria." I responded and now I was positive that my lack of pants wasn't going to be a problem. Probably because I had a swimsuit on. Swimsuits were the public version of bras and panties.

"You hungry?" She set a spatula in by the pan and walked over to the fridge. She pulled out a gallon of milk and grabbed the chocolate powder on top of the fridge. "Are you and Santana working today?"

"Yes, and I don't work but Santana does. But you don't have to keep feeding me. I can get something at the store." As much as I appreciated her giving me so much food, I had to admit that it made me feel a little weird. I wasn't used to eating this much at scheduled times. I didn't want to take their food. "I don't want to eat all your food."

She smiled and set the milk and chocolate powder on the island counter. "You're not eating all our food." Her smile was just like Santana's. Warm. "And you need to eat breakfast. It's the least I can do. It was kind of you staying here with Santana while I was gone. What would your mother say if you went back home without a good breakfast?"

"She wouldn't care," I blurted and then snapped my hands up to my mouth.

Why did I say that? It sounded wrong. It came out wrong. I knew it did. My face instantly burned. I dropped my hands and tried to play it off, despite my face being on fire. "Well, I usually just eat pretzels at work and drink soda cause that stuff is free." My mom cared about stuff, just different stuff that wasn't breakfast. "My mom doesn't usually get up-," I stopped. I wasn't really sure what to say. Everything I said felt like I was saying too much. Probably because she was a mom. She was going to think I was talking bad about my mom. Moms always knew things like that. "She…" And I stopped completely. I didn't know what to say at all.

Maria walked back to the cabinet and pulled out four tall glasses. She glanced at me a few times. "Well, I would love it if you would join us for breakfast."

"Okay…" I nodded.

"Food should be ready any minute, could you wake Santana?" She held two glasses of chocolate milk towards me right when she finished making them. And then she gave one to Marcus.

I smiled at her. I was glad she didn't misunderstand me. I knew I was saying wrong things, but I think she knew that I didn't mean them the way they sounded.

With the cups held in my hands I walked as carefully as I could back to Santana. I didn't want to spill anything.

Each step I took to her, I forced myself to walk slower. I couldn't figure out what had just happened. I shook off my stupidity for blabbing, because I hated when I did that. I did it all the time. I said so many things without thinking. And I thought I had gotten a little better at holding my tongue. When things happened with my mom I would just nod and I would apologize and sometimes it took her five minutes to explain to me what I had said wrong, and sometimes it took two hours. I would just sit and watch my mom vent. I think she was just one of those people who needed someone to vent too and I liked listening to people talk, so we fit together.

I stopped walking. I wasn't sure why. I just stopped in the middle of Santana's living room.

I loved my mom. I did. So much. And I wanted so bad to fix myself and figure out how to stop being a blabber mouth. Maybe Santana's mom would explain some things to me? She seemed nice. And she was a mom so she knew how to do more things than most people.

It was embarrassing that I didn't know how to talk to my own mom. So maybe I wouldn't ask Santana's mom.

I started walking again and stopped when I was standing over Santana. I set both cups on the end table by the couch and leaned over her. "Santana," I whispered her name. "Can you wake up? You have to work."

She grumbled and buried herself further into the couch.

I sat on the little inch of space between her back and the edge of the couch. Slowly I started to scratch my fingernails across her back. "Wake up Sleeping Beauty." I stopped scratching, lifted my fingertips to my lips, kissed them, and then touched her cheek. I went back to scratching.

She shifted and hummed. "Is breakfast ready?" Her voice cracked with sleepiness.

"Almost. Your mom made us chocolate milk." I pushed my nails harder into her back. "She's really nice Santana. She said she would love it if I joined you guys for breakfast."

Santana softly chuckled into the couch, "Of course you can join us."

"I know." I lowered my voice. "I just," I paused, "you don't think she'll say something to my mom do you?"

Santana turned her head, rolled on her back, and then looked at me with her face completely scrunched. "Say something about what?"

I folded my hands on my lap. "I accidentally told her that my mom doesn't care if I eat breakfast. But I didn't mean it like that. It just sounded bad. I always say things and I just didn't mean it like that. I don't want my mom to get upset. My mom is perfect. She just does things differently. But I do things differently too. Everyone does things differently from everyone else. And my mom just doesn't eat breakfast or cook it and my dad is at work a lot."

Santana's face was still scrunched, but she interrupted me. "Britt, whoa. Hold up. Breathe."

I forced my words to stop and took a deep breath.

Santana nodded after I did. "Okay. What's wrong?" She sat up and leaned back against the armrest of the couch. It gave me more room to scoot and sit comfortably.

So when I scooted onto the middle of a cushion I started over. "I don't want my mom to misunderstand me. I want to learn how to say the right things."

Santana shook her head and looked almost a little angry. "Britt," she snapped my name, "you do say the right things."

I shook my head no and I returned the same scowl she was giving me.

"Britt." She said my name again and this time it was softer. Her scowl faded and then her body sunk and it looked like the couch was trying to swallow her emotions. It left her with an expression I hadn't ever seen from her. Her eyes were narrowed. She wasn't smiling. She wasn't frowning. She was just looking at me with her eyes. I think she had to stop all the other stuff in her body from working, because she wanted to use her eyes to read my mind. And like she had finally read my mind, her eyes softened and the corner of her mouth pinched. "Can you promise me something?"

I nodded immediately. I could do anything for her.

Her eyes ran over my face. "I want you to always say what you want when you're around me. Whatever you want. Whenever you want. I want to hear everything you have to say. You can tell me about the scary fish in your dreams and you can tell me about those scary feelings you get when you think about your dad."

My heart sunk. But this was the first time it had sunk and the sinking felt good. My heart was too big and too heavy to float any longer. In fact, everything in my body sunk and it felt like she had taken all this weight off of my shoulders and was going to hold on to it for me. Weight that I didn't even know I was holding. My heart was sitting and waiting, and I knew the next time she kissed me all of those butterflies I get when she kisses me would fly away with my heart.

I smiled, because I think that was the cheesiest thought I had ever had. With that smile I felt my eyes water and glaze. "You give me butterflies." I whispered and my voice cracked just a little. I swallowed my tears. I didn't want Marcus or Santana's mom walking out and seeing me crying. Especially Santana's mom.

A smile flickered across her face.

"Peek-a-boo!" Marcus slapped both of his hands against her back. He ducked back down behind the armrest of the couch.

Santana let out the hugest gasp and she snapped her hand to her chest.

Even I jumped.

With the dirtiest look, Santana turned and started to slap her hand at him. He ran away giggling and stood just out of her reach.

"You think that's funny?" Santana shifted and swung her legs off of the couch. "I'll put you in this couch. With your toys. Do you know why you never see those toys again?" She cocked her head and then leaned forward. "Do you know what's in this couch…" She smirked and spoke slowly and softly.

Marcus' smile dropped.

Santana flinched and didn't even have to stand up before Marcus was sprinting away and running toward the stairs. His little feet pounded up and when he reached the top he ran and a few second later a door opened and slammed shut.

I laughed one soft laugh.

Santana turned to look at me, "Let's eat. When is your lunch with Quinn? Are you meeting her there? Did you want to take my car?"

I stood up with Santana, grabbed our chocolate milks, and started walking to the kitchen with her. "We're meeting there since she said she'll already be in town." I ran that last question over a few times. "Your car? What if I crash it?" I shook my head.

We stepped into the kitchen and pulled up two stools next to the island counter. Her mom was just finishing up cooking.

"How about I drop you off at _Breadstix_? You can call me from Quinn's phone when you need me to come give you a ride?"

"Quinn said she could drop me off at work after we hang out." I smiled. "She works at six. She said we could get lunch and then she has things to do around town and said she wants me to accompany her."

Santana seemed to like this idea. "Perfect. I'll make you lime sodas when you get to work at six. We'll see how many lime sodas you can drink in an hour before I'm off." She lifted her chocolate milk to her lips and took a sip.

We ate breakfast. Talked with her mom. Marcus eventually had come back downstairs. He pulled the stool out by Santana and then dragged it over so it was by me. It was scary watching him climb up the stool. So I kept my hands floating around him so he didn't fall.

Santana let me borrow the coolest hat ever. It was red and kind of floppy. We had to get ready as fast as we could, because she worked soon. So I took the fastest shower in the history of showers and got the _Fast Like A Nascar _song stuck in my head. I heard Santana laugh in the bathroom when I started to sing the parts I remembered in the shower. The only words I remembered were _fast like a Nascar. _

When we finished getting ready and Santana drove me to _Breadstix, _I wasn't sure if we had reached the goodbye kiss step in our relationship. Probably not. And if we had it had to be a secret one. But she pulled right up front and people were walking in and out of the front doors and I figured the second I leaned in to kiss her cheek, Quinn would walk up.

"So, I texted Quinn and told her that you were on your way." Santana held up her phone that had been in her lap. "She said okay."

"Okay." I opened the passenger door, but didn't step out yet. "I'll bring you soup." Wait, it would get bad before I saw her. "Actually, never mind. It will grow salmonella. How about we go for soup sometime?" I smiled. That was good. I had been trying to figure out a way to ask her to _dinner _the entire car ride without putting too much pressure on her. I knew we weren't dating, but friends could get soup. I was getting soup with Quinn.

"Soup?" Santana raised an eyebrow and with it the corner of her smile lifted.

"Sure. If you want or if you and me are hanging out and we're both craving chicken noodles." My voice shook a little so I swallowed down the lumps in my throat. What the heck? Was I nervous. Okay, so maybe asking for soup wasn't as sneaky as I had planned it to be.

"I do like chicken noodle." Santana nodded.

My nerves didn't disappear, but they jumped and it made me smile. "Okay. Soup. Okay." I put both of my legs out of the car. "I'll see you later." I shut the door and waved after I shut the door and she laughed and waved goodbye.

"Brittany." I heard a girl call my name. I knew exactly who it was. She always said my name the same way.

I looked toward the entrance of _Breadstix. _Rachel was standing there with Finn. Cute. Were they on a date. I walked up to them. "Are you guys on a date?" Now I was _so so so so_ glad I didn't lean in and kiss Santana's cheek. They would have seen.

Both of them exchanged a shy glance and then Rachel spoke. "Finn and I stopped by for a bite to eat."

That was Rachel's way of saying _yes, _without her ending up blushing and blubbering.

"So you're eating now?" I beamed. Maybe their table would be by mine and Quinn's. Would that be good? Wasn't the purpose of coming out here so we weren't around work people and so me and Quinn could talk. Would she talk if Rachel's table was by ours?

"We just finished. I'm heading to work. Who are you meeting? Anyone _special_?" Rachel ran her eyes over me. Probably trying to decide if I wore appropriate clothes for this _supposed _date she thought I was on.

"I'm getting lunch with Quinn. And then we're going to run errands." I responded.

"Oh, so I don't get to meet this special someone you're so insistent on singing to." Rachel said and looked completely disappointed.

I was so close to blurting that she had already met them. That would have been bad. "I'll introduce you someday." And now I was smiling, because introducing Santana to Rachel would be the coolest thing ever. At first Rachel would think I was playing a trick, but then she would realize that I wasn't. Rachel was smart. She was so smart that I had to be careful around her or she would figure it out. I mean, she does have two gay dads.

I looked up at Finn. He had that dorky fun smile he always had. He was cool. "Hi Finn."

"Hey." His smile widened.

Rachel linked her arm through his. "Well. It was good seeing you Brittany." She eyed Finn and then looked back to me. "I need to get to work. But have fun."

I nodded and we all said bye and then she dragged Finn away.

As soon as I walked into _Breadstix_ I smelled the food. It smelled so good, even if I had just eaten a huge omelet. I glanced around the waiting room, but then the hostess got my attention. "Good afternoon." She smiled.

I spoke before she said anything more. "I'm meeting my friend. Her name is Quinn." I scanned the rest of the waiting room and then looked back to her, "Is she here yet? She's blonde and really pretty."

The hostess walked back to her podium and looked at a list. I walked up to stand next to her.

"Don't see her name." She looked back up at me. "I can get you a table."

I looked back to an empty bench. "I'll wait out here. She should be here any second."

The hostess nodded and smiled and then I walked back to the bench, unhung my purse from my shoulder, and then took a seat. I couldn't believe how excited I was to eat here. I only remember little bits and pieces of being here last time with my dad and Hailey. Hailey and me had a breadsticks eating contest. I ate twice as many as her. But I doubt Quinn would want to have that kind of contest. And I doubt if I would win this time, because my tummy was full of egg and chocolate milk.

I scooted back into the bench hoping that my feet would lift off of the floor and I could swing them back and forth. I guess I was taller than I used to be. I settled for bouncing my heels off of the floor.

_Heel, toe. Switch feet. Heel, toe. Switch feet. _And I kept doing that over and over.

Someone's feet were standing by mine. I looked up. It was the hostess again. "Hi." I smiled.

"Are you sure you don't want a table?" She glanced over at a clock across the waiting room.

"That's okay." I shrugged. "She should really be here any second."

The waitress nodded slowly this time and then just went back to her podium. I glanced at the clock. It had only been twenty minutes. Quinn lived far from here. It had taken Santana like twenty minutes to drive here. I straightened my back and now watched the customers as they walked in.

After nearly the fortieth time the door opened and people walked in or out, I looked back at the clock. I hadn't expected to be an hour later. Where was she? Maybe she had car trouble. But Santana said she texted her, so Quinn was on her way. Maybe I just got the time confused.

More time passed and the hostess offered to get me some water. I said no thank you, because I didn't want to end up needing to use the bathroom and missing Quinn when she walked in.

I dug in my purse and pulled out some lip gloss. I ran it over my lips dozens and dozens of times.

My tummy growled.

The hostess kept checking in with me. Asking if I wanted something to drink. And then I even started a conversation with her and told her I worked at Shuester's. She said Shuester's was the coolest bar and that _that _was why I looked familiar. But then she left and a new hostess came out and the girl wasn't as friendly. She didn't even look at me.

**xxXXXXXX**

I looked back up at the clock. _That couldn't be right! _

I shot my attention to look outside. It wasn't afternoon anymore. The clock was right. I looked back at the clock. It was a little after six.

Quinn must have forgotten. Or maybe something bad happened. I was about to jump up and go ask to borrow a phone, but I didn't know Quinn's number. I didn't even know Santana's number. I should have written both of their numbers down somewhere.

I stood. I knew Hailey's number. But calling her wouldn't really do much. Maybe I could call her and ask her to get a phone number from my phone. That was if she was home. She might be home. Actually, she probably wouldn't answer an unknown number. She was picky about things like that.

Quinn wasn't coming. She wouldn't leave me here unless something happened. She probably tried to call or text me and forgot that I didn't have my phone.

The main doors opened.

Santana walked in. Her shoulders dropped when she saw me, but she smiled. She walked over and picked up my purse. "Fucking bitch." She hissed.

"What?" My eyes snapped open.

Santana quickly shook her head. "No, not you. Of course not you." She put her hand on my back and led me toward the front door. "Why are you still here? You should have called work."

_Why didn't I think of that…?_

I pushed open the door for us. "Is Quinn okay? Was she at work? Did something happen?" My heart was twisting into knots.

Santana rolled her eyes. "Quinn is fine. She's at work."

"Something must have happened. Did you talk to her? Did her car break?" Santana led me to her car and opened the door for me.

Santana rounded her car and got into the driver seat. She put the key in and started it. Quickly. She looked pissed. And then when she zipped out of the parking lot I knew she was pissed.

"Her car is fine. Quinn is fine. She walked in and started talking with Holly. Fucking stupid ass bitch. I'm sorry Brittany." She peeked over at me and her face looked like it was burning. "Are you hungry? We can get something."

I felt my lip shake. I stopped it. I clenched my jaw. I wasn't going to cry. Words started to flood through my clenched jaw. "She probably didn't want to talk about what happened. What I did on accident. She probably realized how stupid that was and didn't want to sit and talk about it. What would we have even said? She already knew it was an accident. Friends don't touch boobs. Except you and me, but we're different and special. And now Quinn figured that we weren't friends. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have done that." Santana tried to interrupt me, but I kept going. "She said it was fine when it happened, because she didn't want to be mean and hurt my feelings. But now she realized how weird that was and how weird I am and I am so stupid for putting her on the spot like that. Could you imagine having to hang out with your friend after something like that?"

Santana reached over and patted my knee. It distracted me. "Brittany. It's nothing you did. Quinn's like this. She always has been. She does things her way, when she wants, how she wants."

My face finally broke and a cry cracked through. I didn't understand. Quinn didn't need anything from me. I didn't have anything to offer her. I stopped the next cry from getting out.

Santana squeezed my knee. "Britt." She started to massage and kept squeezing my knee. Her eyes would flick over to me occasionally from looking out the windshield. "Look. I got the rest of the night off. We'll hang out."

I nodded.

"Let's go get your car?" She asked. "That way you have it. And your phone. I'll go in your house with you. We can say hi to your dad. I can meet your sister and we can say hi to your mom."

The car was silent for a second.

I wanted her to meet Hailey. She would like her. And maybe if everyone was home then it would be okay. My mom would be up now. She should be. My dad would be getting home from work. Hailey may or may not be home.

"Okay."

**xxXXXXXXxx**

I was nervous. So nervous. My hands were sweating and it took me a second to find the door handle to get out of Santana's car. But when I stood up and stepped out she was standing right next to the door waiting for me.

"I'll be right here." She shut the car door for me. "We'll be in and out if you want. We'll get your car. Ask your dad about your bike. I'll tell Hailey that she needs to learn how to text properly." Santana teased.

I laughed. Santana was so good at this. She knew exactly what to say, what to do, when to do it. It was like she knew everything about me.

"She's not that bad." I started walking to my front door with Santana by my side.

"No." Santana laughed. "But she is the only person I have ever texted that sends back texts written in proper grammar. Remember when you sent that text telling her you were staying at my house?"

I laughed, because Santana had showed me Hailey's response the next day. _Thank you for letting me know Santana. Tell my sister that I am at a friend's house as well, but won't be home until tomorrow. _And then there was another part to it, but I couldn't remember the exact words or way she worded it. All I knew was that Hailey sometimes took way too many words to say something so simple.

We reached the front step. I could see a little inside of the house and I could hear the TV. My mom was up. And my dad's car was home.

Half of me knew that this would be okay. My mom would have forgotten and moved on. But the other half of me was nervous. I didn't know how to reintroduce Santana. I didn't want Santana to feel uncomfortable.

"Hey!" I heard my sister say. I spun around to see her walking through the yard. She was grinning.

"Hi Hailey." I returned the smile. "This is Santana." I looked at Santana. She was smiling too and she reached her hand out to shake my sister's hand.

"Cool." Hailey shook her hand and then looked back to me. "Are you finally getting your phone? I plugged it in for you in your room. I couldn't find your phone charger so I just used one of my spare ones."

"I took it with me." I answered. "I just forgot to grab my phone."

Hailey laughed. "Well it's in your room on your dresser. And I fed that cat of yours." Hailey rolled her eyes.

"Oh God." Santana laughed with her. "You shouldn't have fed it. I'm sure it would have been fine for a few months without eating."

"I know right." Hailey laughed along with Santana. "Now it keeps following me. I locked it in your room Brittany, so it wasn't stuck outside. The neighbor's dog keeps getting through the fence and Mom didn't want him out in the living room."

Lord Tubbington must be in heaven. He was obsessed with my room when I wasn't there. But when it was nighttime and I had to catch him, he always hid under things like the couch and made weird grumbly noises.

"Where were you?" I looked down the road.

"A friend's. I just came home to tell Dad I was going out for food." She nodded. "We're going to get burgers and shakes." Hailey narrowed her eyes. "Well my friend said he would buy me one. I feel bad mooching, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do."

I slid my shoulder strap off my shoulder and handed my purse to Santana. I pulled out my wallet. "I have a whole bunch of tip money." I pulled out three ten dollar bills. "Here."

Hailey's eyes were wide, but she took the money. "Are you sure?"

"Totally. It's like free money anyway. Plus, catching Lord Tubbington outside is hard sometimes and I'm glad you didn't let him get eaten."

Santana let out a soft laugh.

"Sweet. Thanks." Hailey stuffed the money in her pocket. She reached through me and Santana and opened the front door.

We followed her inside.

And before I could remember to be nervous, or why I would even be nervous in the first place for walking into my own house, Hailey went straight for the living room. "Hey mom," I heard my sister greet. I shut the door behind Santana and me and just waited by it and listened.

"Who were you talking to outside?" I heard my mom whisper. "One of your friends?"

I poked my head out into the living room. My mom was sitting at the kitchen table with a cigarette. She hadn't noticed me yet. She was just looking at my sister.

"No." Hailey turned and glanced at me. "Brittany. She's here with her friend Santana."

Hailey was a genius. A secret genius, because I doubt she knew what she just did. Now I didn't have to introduce Santana again. Perfect. Perfect and amazing. I smiled and stepped out into the living room.

My mom looked over to me. "Oh, hey sweetie." She smiled and put her cigarette out. "Hi Santana."

Santana walked with me to stand in the middle of the living room. "Hi Mrs. Pierce." She smiled.

"You're not working tonight girls?" She frowned. "You work with Brittany right?" My mom looked at Santana.

"Yes, but no work today." Santana answered. "Well, I worked this afternoon. Britt had it off."

I took a step back and sat on the couch. Santana watched me do it and then sat down right next to me.

"What are you watching?" Santana looked at the television. "Travel channel?" She smiled and looked back to my mom.

"Oh, I just turned the TV on." My mom smiled and pushed the ashtray away from her. "I'm not sure what's on." She turned to face us. "Any plans for the night or are you hanging here?"

Her and my mom talked for a long time. For a couple of hours and it even got dark outside. They got along so well. Santana asked the perfect questions and my mom was smiling the whole time. Even Hailey pulled up a chair and listened. This was better than I ever imagined it turning out.

So I sat, and I smiled, and I just listened. Listening to Santana talk was amazing. She told things like where she was born and that she knew Spanish, which I already knew. And she asked my mom easy questions. She asked where my mom grew up and when we moved here and how she met my dad. Santana was so good at talking to people. Maybe I could ask her to teach me. She could teach me how to talk to people and how to ask good questions.

Maybe we could practice in her room sometime and make an outline. And then I'm sure I would get distracted because we were in her room. And then I would tell her that I could only understand her if she talked into my mouth with her tongue.

Something hit my head and then fell down to my lap. It was a cheeto. I looked up at Hailey. She was looking _at the roof. _But she peeked over at me and smiled.

My mom must have noticed this because she asked Hailey not to throw food in the house so it didn't get dirty. And then my mom looked to me. "Brittany did you have a few drinks at work? You seem a little spacey. Usually I can't get you to stop talking." She smiled and joked.

I shook the rest of the thoughts that involved Santana kissing me from my mind. "Huh?" I asked even though I had heard the question. "Work? I didn't work today." I said and tried to remember if Santana had said that.

_Get me to stop talking? _Did I talk that much…? I shrugged to myself.

"That's what Santana just said." My mom smiled at Santana and pulled her eyes from me.

Santana stood. "We need to hit the road Britt, or we're going to be late."

_Late? _What…?

I stood up with Santana.

"Where are you girls headed?" My mom still looked at Santana.

"Need to grab something from work before we get locked out." Santana flattened out her dress. I loved it when she wore those dresses. It was like she was naked, except had a super-hot dress on.

"Oh," my mom looked to me, "Britt could you grab some of that wine if you're heading there. Your father's card is on top of the TV."

I nearly leapt to the television. Grabbing wine from work was easy and I knew my mom appreciated it. It also meant that she was okay with what I had accidentally said the other night. I smiled and pulled my dad's card out of his wallet. Forgiven and forgotten.

"Don't lose it." My mom said.

"I won't." I walked over to my purse and put it into my wallet. "I can bring it back." I turned to face my mom. "Do you care which kind? There's a new raspberry kind. I haven't tried it yet." I looked to Santana. "Have you tried it?" I knew I was talking quick, but I liked getting things for people.

Santana just shook her head. "No."

"Well, I think Holly from work tried it. My boss. She didn't say anything bad. Did you want that kind?" I slung my purse over my shoulder.

"Sounds good." My mom smiled.

I said bye to my mom and Hailey and then when I opened the front door Santana reminded me that I needed to grab my phone and keys. So we went in my room and grabbed them. And then I told Santana we could take my truck, because it needed to be driven again before it forgot how to start. I was kidding. But I was also serious. It did have a lot of rust…

While my car warmed up for a little I checked my phone. I had an insane amount of text messages and missed calls. But I looked straight for Quinn's. She had texted me.

_I'm not going to make it. Sorry. See you at work._

I wasn't sure how to react to that. I showed Santana and she just rolled her eyes. I wanted to text Quinn back, but I didn't know what to say. So I just put my phone in my purse and figured if I thought of something to respond with, then I could do it later.

When my truck stopped shaking so much, I pulled out from the curb and we drove to Shuester's. It was weird driving it after getting used to Santana's car. I felt so tall.

I showed Santana that when I turned the defroster on in my car it made my windows foggy. She had to unbuckle her seat belt and wipe the windshield so we didn't crash. She thought it was funny though. I also showed her that when I turned on the air conditioner leaves shot out of the vents. She told me that I didn't have to show her that.

She turned the radio to rap. We laughed and I tried to _pop _and drive at the same time. It caused Santana to scream and laugh at the same time, because we almost drove off the road.

I usually didn't get to listen to rap unless I was hanging out with Mercedes. But it was so fun that Santana got into the songs and rapped along to the words she knew. I think that she was impressed, because I knew at least twice as many words as her.

Instead of pulling into the front parking lot, I drove around back. Only a couple of the girl's cars were still in the lot. Not Quinn's. She was the first one I looked for. Just Tina's and Rachel's. They were usually the last ones to leave.

I parked right by the back door and ran to it and pounded on it. There was a peephole so I smiled and waited for Rachel to look through it and let me and Santana in. And when Rachel opened the door I ran inside and told Santana I would be right back. I grabbed the new wine. Paid for it with my dad's card and then ran back to Santana in record time.

I yelled bye to Rachel, because she had left, and then opened the back door. Tina was talking to Santana so I walked out to my truck, opened the driver door, leaned in, and put the wine on the seat. I didn't like standing and holding stuff. But before I could get back, Santana was already walking outside and had shut the back door.

"You in a rush?" She cocked her eyebrow and smirked.

"No." I shrugged and climbed up into my seat. I looked down at her. "Are you? You can talk to Tina. I didn't mean to rush you."

Santana shrugged and stepped closer to me. She rested her elbows on my knees. "Are you doing okay?" The question came out of nowhere.

I nodded. "Yeah. I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"

She scooted closer and stood in between my hanging legs. "You just had a long day. Quinn. Your house. And you're probably hungry."

All those things were true. I was starving. My house had been stressful, but ended up working out amazingly. And even the whole Quinn thing still confused the crap out of me, that wasn't what I was thinking about right now. I was thinking about how very close she was to me. Was this okay? Were we allowed to be this close in public? I guess we were kind of hidden. And the girls weren't going to come out back. I looked up at the door.

"Britt?" She got my attention. I looked back at her. Her hands started to rub up and down my thighs. "I said it when I meant that you could talk to me about whatever you want, whenever you want."

I gulped. Her hands felt warm and I was so glad I was wearing shorts. "Uh," I tucked my bangs behind my ears. "Did you want to talk about something?" I wasn't sure where to put my hands so I tucked my hair behind my ear again.

"If you want to?" She stopped rubbing my thighs and just held her hands by my knees again. "Can I ask a question about your parents?"

Another question I hadn't expected. Of course she could ask. "Yes. Just like you said I could talk about anything, you can talk about anything. Anything you want. I'll tell you whatever you want." I winked at her.

But she didn't return the wink. She kept her face slack and her hands still. "Is it usually like that?" She narrowed her eyes and I think it was so she could see me better.

I put my hands on top of hers, because I needed to put my hands somewhere. "Like what?" I tapped each finger individually over her knuckles. Pointer. Middle. Ring. Pinkie. And I did it again and again. Santana didn't ask again, so I just guess. "I usually get her wine from work, because it's cheaper since we get discounts." I thought back to the conversation we had had when we were lying on her car and she asked me if my mom drank wine. "I already told you that. You know that." I thought and tried to think of stuff I hadn't told her. "Uhm. I don't usually bring friends over. But she was really nice." I smiled. "I think she likes you. Which, duh, who wouldn't like you?"

"She was nice to me." Santana agreed. "She thought you were, drunk?" Santana cocked her head when she said _drunk. _

"Oh," I waved my hand and then put it back on top of hers. "I've come home drunk before. And I'm tired so…" I shrugged.

"Where was your dad tonight?" She asked another question. "His car was there right?"

"His room. He goes in there to read when he gets off work, and to relax." Whenever he got home from work he was always so tired. Santana and me had showed up at my house at around eight I think. So he was probably already sleeping when we were there. Him and my mom switched with sleeping. He slept at night, she slept in the morning.

"Did something happen between you and your mom?" Santana squeezed her hands into my knees.

"What do you mean?" I tried to think of something. _Something? _I didn't think something happened. Why would something happen?

Santana pinched her lips. It looked like she was trying to find another question. Maybe I could talk and the answer would just come and I could answer all her questions without her having to ask them all. She wanted to know about me and my mom. That was easy. I could talk about that.

"Sometimes my mom misunderstands me. Actually, a lot. But I just get confused easily so it's my fault. Hailey doesn't get confused as easily, but she's super smart. She gets straight A's." I looked up as if the answer would be written on the roof of my truck. "Hm. Like one time I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom when I was like fourteen. And I was getting ready for school and had to do it really fast so I didn't miss the bus. And my mom woke up and knocked on the door and I tried to tell her that I was peeing, because I had to do two things at once if I was going to catch the bus. So I peed and I brushed my teeth. And I told my mom I was peeing, but it was hard to talk with toothpaste in my mouth so I peed as quickly as I could and tried to wash my hands, because I didn't want to touch my toothbrush without washing my hands." I paused and looked at Santana to make sure I hadn't lost her, because I knew I was awful at telling stories. "Uhm, so the entire time she kept knocking and I was hurrying so fast. And I tried to tell her that I was almost done, but I don't think she heard and she thought I was yelling at her. So then she broke the door…" I stopped. I needed to slow down. I knew words were just falling out of my mouth and I knew Santana could probably only understand every other one of those falling words.

"It was an accident." I said. "And I think that's why my dad never fixed the bathroom door."

I looked at Santana. Her eyes were so reading every inch of my face. And then her face twitched when she spoke. "Accident? Did the door hit you?"

"Oh," I shot my eyes open. "No, nothing like that. It really was an accident. I just fell into the bathtub. I didn't get hurt. Except I scratched my back on the faucet because I fell against it. I just jumped back too quickly and wasn't paying attention."

"Britt?" She whispered my name. I felt like she didn't believe something…

"It really was an accident. My mom cried cause she felt so bad. And I dropped my toothbrush so I didn't even choke on it." I smiled.

"How old were you?" She started to rub her hands up and down my thighs.

"Fourteen I think."

She swallowed, but kept rubbing. "You," she swallowed again. "You don't get confused Britt. You know people better than they know themselves. God, you know me better than I know me sometimes. You don't say things wrong. You say things how they should be said."

I breathed out a soft laugh.

"I mean it Brittany." She stopped rubbing.

"Okay." I smiled still. Those words weren't going to sink in right away. I heard them, I felt them…but just like this relationship felt like a fairytale come true, those words sounded like a fairytale. Fairytales were real. Heck yes they were real. They had to be real, because Santana was standing right here, touching me, and listening to me.

She let me talk. She let me cry. She told me things and made me see things that I have never heard or seen before. She let me make love to her. She was better than a fairytale. She was a dream come true.

"Can we really get soup?" I whispered, because at the last second I remembered that _that _question made me giddy and nervous at the same time.

Santana rolled her eyes and had the biggest smile. "I've deciphered your code Brittany. Yes. We can get soup."

Now I was sure my smile was going to be stuck on my face forever.

"Maybe while we get soup," I looked back down at our hands and started to tap my fingers on her knuckles again, "we can light candles. Or we can watch a movie and share popcorn. I don't really like popcorn though, but I've always wanted to hold someone's hand at the movies. Not just anyone's hand." I clarified.

"Soup. Movie. Candles." Santana started to list. "What about chocolate?"

"Of course we'll get candy. We'll buy a whole bunch before we go and then hide it in our pockets."

Santana smirked. "I was thinking just gummy bears."

My tummy flipped. I think it was the way she whispered and the way she stepped just a little bit closer to me.

"You should turn your defroster on?" Santana pushed impossibly closer to me and her hand ran up to my hips. "And scoot back."

I scooted back so quickly and I turned the key in my ignition a little so the radio turned back on, but the car didn't start. And I flicked the switch for the defroster.

Santana climbed up into my truck and shut the door behind her. She sat on her knees in the driver seat and I was all the way across the seat with my back pressed against the passenger door.

She walked her fingers across the seat and stopped between us. "Are you going to scoot over?" She spoke over the music.

My eyes shot open and I scooted back over to where her hand was. She didn't do anything though. She just sat there and she started to walk her fingers up my thigh. She touched my shorts, and then walked back down and touched my skin.

Why wasn't she doing anything? "Did you want to make out?" I finally asked. I couldn't take it any longer.

A new song started.

_Rack city chick, rack rack city chick._

"I was thinking about it." Santana's smirk was growing even bigger. She looked at the windows. They were starting to get that film over them again. "Me kissing you." She scratched her nails down my thigh. "In your truck." She scratched her nails up my thigh. "Right outside of work." She scratched back down. "Tell me when you start to get those butterflies again…" She whispered and then slid her hand up my thigh and under my shorts.

So much heat filled my body and shot between my legs. My legs fell open for her. Her hand slid up further and the second she touched my underwear so many tingles and twitches filled my stomach. "Oh my God…" I whispered. And I inched my butt down further on the seat so I could spread my legs wider. Thank goodness I hadn't worn skin tight shorts.

"Almost there…" she looked from me and to the slowly fogging windows.

She pushed her fingertips against my underwear and I could feel my underwear stick to me. That pressure in my stomach was pushing so tight. I had to clench down there to keep everything from unwinding.

_I couldn't even listen to the song anymore. I heard it in the background, but that was it._

She pushed her fingers harder into my underwear and into my wetness and my body jerked and with it came jerky and shaky whines. _Uh, uh, uh. _They were soft, but I knew she could see my lips shake with the noise.

I wasn't even sure why I had gotten so sensitive and so turned on, so quickly. I'm sure it had something to do with where we were.

She pulled her hand out from my short's leg and then scooted her knees closer to me. She swung one knee over me and straddled my lap.

"Holy _shit_…" I whispered. My eyes were so wide and I wanted to look at everything about her and remember this and make this last forever. But it wouldn't last forever, because if she touched me like that again I would probably last two seconds. "Can you keep touching?" I shifted under her and clenched my downstairs tightly. All my words came out breathless.

"Mmhmm..." Santana hummed and then lowered her lips to mine. She didn't kiss me, not yet. "Touch you? Or kiss you?" She whispered. "I thought we were only making out?"

I slid my hands up her thighs, under her dress and grabbed her underwear. I started to tug them down. "I can kiss you…?" My tummy twisted and my heart skipped a few beats, because I wasn't meaning kiss her mouth. My eyes glanced down to her lap. "Want me to do that?"

She lifted a little so I could pull her underwear down a little further, and when she settled back down, her underwear were almost down to her knees. She sat on my lap again and kissed me. A short kiss and pulled away. She had a smile and when I lunged forward to kiss her lips again she pulled away further.

"So, you don't want to _just_ make out?" She teased.

I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her to me and into my mouth. I tried to push my tongue into her mouth and she tried to push her tongue into mine and we pushed each other. I pulled her closer to me and then her tongue slipped past my lips.

I grabbed the bottom of her dress. I started to tug it up. I was going to do it. I was going to pull her dress up to her waist, slide further down the seat until I was on the floor, and I was going to see what she tasted like before my insides knotted so tight that I wouldn't be able to breathe.

She sat so I could pull her dress up. She pulled my bottom lip up with her teeth as she lifted. We both giggled. And when she sat back down on my lap she still had her teeth on my lips. But I think it was her skin against my knees that had caught my attention. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. This was happening.

_Crack. _

It sounded like a huge balloon exploded in the car. Her teeth bit harder into my lip. It hurt. It sent pain down my jaw. A sharp pain that started to throb.

We both jumped and she screamed.

She was off of my lap, before I could figure out anything. She scurried, yanked her underwear up, and pulled her dress down.

I sucked my lip into my mouth and it tasted tangy and like metal. And when I wiped the back of my hand across my mouth it left a smear of red.

"What the fuck?" Santana hissed and looked around.

There was nothing. And we couldn't see anything, because the windows were fogged. She turned the radio down.

I wiped my hand against my mouth again.

"Fucking slut!" Someone yelled from outside the car. "Get the fuck off of him and get out here or I'll smash the window completely in!"

_Who was that? _

I looked at the windshield. It was cracked and it looked like a glass spider web starting in the center. Was that the noise? It had to have been. The windshield would break all the way if it was hit again…

"What's going on?" I sounded a little out of it, but I couldn't get my emotions straight. It was weird being snapped out of something like that and it felt like I had to restart my body and wait for it to catch up with my brain.

"No fucking way." Santana's eyes were so pissed, so wild. She looked to me and her eyes immediately relaxed. "Oh my God." She reached her hand to my lip and brushed it with her thumb. I flinched from the sting. "Are you okay?"

"Get the fuck out here Santana!" The guy yelled again.

"Don't go." I said and I was shaking my head so hard and so fast.

"Santana you have twenty seconds to find your clothes befo-"

"Hey!" I heard Tina's voice.

"What's going on?" Now I heard Will.

"Dude seriously. Knock this shit off. Get the hell out of here." Was that Puck? It sounded like him.

They continued to argue for a little. The guy I didn't recognize kept repeating and demanding that Santana get out. He said it over and over and kept threatening.

I double checked to make sure my doors were locked. They were.

"Girls," Will spoke, "go inside and call the police."

I heard Rachel and Tina agree and then the guy I didn't recognize started yelling something at Puck and telling him to back off. And now he was threatening Puck and arguing with him.

"Stay in here." Santana reached for the door handle.

"No." I started to panic. "No. You stay in here." I shook my hand and grabbed her dress.

"Brittany. Let go. I promise it will be fine. Stay in here, okay?"

I shook my head no again and I held her dress tighter.

"I don't want him to hurt Will or Puck. If I go out there he'll calm down."

That guy yelled again. "I saw that slut crawl in the truck with some dude!" He screamed and I could hear his lungs crack.

Something hit the hood of my car. It made it shake and sounded like metal against metal.

"Brittany." Santana grabbed my wrist and yanked it from her dress. "Puck's out there and so is Will. I'll be fine. Stay in here. Okay. Stay."

I couldn't respond. This had to be what being in shock felt like. My heart was hammering, I couldn't find full breathes, and I couldn't talk.

Santana opened the door, jumped out, and slammed it behind her.

**XXXxxxx**

**Thanks Stephanie**


	21. Being Caught

**a/n : hello :) just a reminder, if you haven't seen this video you should see it (add youtube before the following link) .com/watch?v=xnmdvpAOLxY**

**Also, i have a tumblr :) "frogsrcool . tumblr . com" but don't put spaces between that link.**

**Let me know what you think of this chapter.**

**Chapter 21 - Being Caught**

When Santana slammed the door shut it sounded like a gunshot. It made my entire body jump and jolt. And the second she was gone I started to tense up. She was going to get hurt. Why couldn't she stay in here? And why couldn't I go out there? I could just explain that I was her friend. He would understand that right? Had he seen something?

I still couldn't find full breaths and so many nerves were stuck in my throat.

"What the _fuck _are you doing, you psycho?" Santana screamed. "Are you fucking crazy?" She sounded so pissed. Her voice snapped so loud and so intense.

Who was she yelling at? I patted around the seat looking for the seatbelt, but then remembered I wasn't buckled. My face scrunched up at my own confusion. What the hell was wrong with me? I slid my tongue over my bottom lip for a second time and felt blood smear. As I pulled my tongue back into my mouth I could taste the blood. Gross. I wiped the back of my hand over my mouth again. Did she really bite me that hard?

"Who's in there?" That guy that had been screaming spoke loudly, but he wasn't yelling anymore. Santana was right when she said he would calm down. But his words were still just as demanding and forceful. "Hm? Who are you fucking? Some dumb shit who doesn't know what he's getting himself into."

"Santana!" Will yelled and I heard feet shuffling across the pavement.

And then I heard Santana struggling and grunting. Someone must be holding her back.

Then that guy laughed. The way he found this situation genuinely funny is what sent chills down my back. How was this funny?

"Who's the guy?" He asked Santana again. "He's drunk isn't he? Is that what you're doing now? Fucking the customers. Is he passed out? Fucking pussy." The guy paused for a second and then everything shook when something hit the hood. "Are you coming out, or are you just going to hide in there?"

"You need to leave." Will demanded.

"Yeah, dude come on. Let's go." Puck spoke, but he sounded just as pissed off as Will. "And put the sledge hammer down."

"I'm not leaving until whoever is in that truck gets out." He yelled, but I heard something metal drop and clank against the ground outside.

Should I get out? I should. I scooted toward the driver seat. I reached for the handle. My hand was shaking so bad. Wait. I needed my keys. Where were they? I started to snap my eyes all over the truck. Where were they? On the floor? No. I started to panic and now I was slapping and looking everywhere. Patting and slapping and shoving my hand between the backrest and the seat. _Fuck, fuck, fuck._

"Oh I get it." He spoke again. "He really is passed out. That's right…I knew you were bad in bed, but _that _bad." He laughed again.

I froze. My insides started to heat up. What did he just say to her…?

"That's enough." Puck snapped at him. And then I heard some more scuffling.

"Don't fucking push me Puckerman." The guy yelled.

"Watch your mouth Karofsky. And get the fuck out of here." Puck shouted back.

There was more scuffling.

I still couldn't move. Everything was happening too quickly. But I needed to get out and I needed to explain everything. He would understand and then he would leave, because he needed to leave. And he needed to never talk to Santana ever again. I would make sure he knew that he should not say those things. I didn't care what it took for me to convince him…

"Fine!" I heard the Karofsky guy yell.

I reached for the door handle.

"Whoever is in that truck I swear to God I will beat your ass. I don't care who the fuck you are. Pathetic piece of shit."

I pulled the handle to the driver door and started to push it open. Immediately it was slammed back shut. It made that lump in my throat tighten and sent the anger that was boiling inside me over the top. I clenched my teeth together and the muscles in my hands clenched into the tightest fists.

What was going on? I wanted to know who that was. I was so furious. I pounded the window with my fist. "Let me out," I didn't yell but spoke loud enough for Santana to hear me. I knew it was her holding the door.

She didn't answer.

So I hit the window again.

She didn't move and didn't answer.

I had never felt like this. Every inch of my body was screaming. Screaming, screaming, screaming. I wanted to get out of the truck and I wanted to figure out what was going on. I wanted to tell that guy he was wrong and tell him that Santana wasn't with a boy. He should never say anything like that to her. Ever. I didn't care who he was. I didn't care if he thought Santana was his, I didn't care about anything other than Santana.

I just wanted to get out and I wanted to tell him to shut his mouth.

I squeezed my fists harder and had to force myself not to hit the window again. She knew I wanted out. But, I knew that she wanted me to stay in. So I would stay.

I pressed my palm against the driver window and smeared the white film that was covering it.

I was right when I figured it was Santana holding the door. She was standing with both hands gripping the handle, looking toward where that guy must be. Will was standing by her. His hand was on the door too. They were both holding it.

I sat back in my seat and put my feet flat on the floor. I would wait. My heart felt like it was going to crack a rib and my hands felt clammy and sweaty along with the rest of my body, but I would wait inside the truck.

It was getting so very hot. I tried to slow my breathing and inhaled the warm air. It heated my throat and only went about halfway down, before I had to push it back out and beg for another breath of heated air. So, very, warm.

I listened as everyone outside kept arguing, but eventually that guy was leaving. Puck was making him. I just looked forward and stared at the steering wheel and gripped the seat beneath me. And then I started to wipe my hands on the fabric of the seat trying to dry some of the sweat.

"Do you still want me to call the cops?" I heard Rachel's voice. She was close. Probably right outside my door.

"Santana?" Will asked her.

"Uh," her voice was unsteady. She sounded so shaken, which was weird, because when she was yelling she sounded so powerful. "We-, he."

The passenger door opened. It scared me. And with it came a cool, slap of air. I snapped my eyes to the open door and jerked my body against the driver side door. I even hissed out a bad word.

But it was just Quinn. Quinn?

Her eyebrows shot up. She looked just as confused as me. She moved her eyes around the inside of the truck looking at everything. The foggy windows, the near shattered windshield, and then back to me. I probably looked so weird. Sweaty and panicked, with a bloody lip.

But she knew this was my truck. Why was she surprised to find me? She had been inside it before when I drove to that party.

"Brittany?" She whispered. She pulled her attention out of the truck and then peeked over the hood at everyone else that was standing on the other side. And then she looked back in at me. "What are you…?" She cocked her head.

And then her face fell.

At that second every bit of blood in my body drained. It felt like my stomach had flipped over and my throat had gone dry. _She knew_. And that was when I felt like I was going to puke.

My body was getting so hot. Everything was turning inside me. Sick and turning.

We weren't ready. This wasn't how it should have happened. Santana should have had the chance to decide when she wanted someone like Quinn to know. Santana should have had the chance to tell Quinn herself.

This wasn't fair.

Being caught like this made it almost feel wrong and I knew that was because we had been _caught. _ Like we were doing something we shouldn't have been doing. But we weren't. I knew that, but what if Santana didn't know. She was so sweet and so giving, and she shouldn't have had the time she needed to adjust to our relationship taken from her. Especially not taken by some boy that said things like that to her.

"Oh God, oh God, oh God…" I mouthed over and over. I needed to think of something. But it was already too late. It was way too late. Quinn knew and there wasn't anything I could think to say that would fix this.

Quinn reached her hand across the seat, "Come on sweetie."

Sweetie? Wait, what?

She leaned further in and grabbed my hand. "He didn't do that did he? Your lip?" Her face hardened and twisted with anger.

I shook my head before her face got too hard.

Instantly her face softened. She squeezed my hand and pulled it to her. So I scooted. I swung my legs out the passenger door and hopped down.

It felt like I had jumped onto Jell-O. My body felt so wobbly and the ground felt uneven.

Quinn steadied my shoulders with her hands and waited until I looked up at her, before she dropped her hands from my arms.

Why was she was here. Her car hadn't been here when me and Santana had pulled up. How did she get here? Maybe her car had broken. Or maybe I hadn't seen it. I grazed the tip of my tongue over my lip again. It stung and made me wince. It was still bleeding, so I pulled my tongue back in before I tasted too much of it.

Quinn cringed and copied the wince I knew had been on my face. She stepped a little closer and narrowed her eyes to examine my lip. "How'd that happen?" Here eyes flickered up to mine, and back down to my lip.

I didn't answer. It was because I still wasn't able to talk. My throat was tight and my stomach was still flipped over.

"Did you bite you lip?" She flicked her eyes up to mine again and then again back down to my lips.

Each time she looked up at me, her eyes would flash bright green. It was kind of like being slapped in the face with cold water. They were so out of place in this situation. Just like Santana was out of place. She didn't ever, ever, ever deserve to have anyone ever say anything like that to her.

"Did Santana bite your lip?" Quinn whispered.

I wasn't sure why I was so shocked by the question. I already knew she knew…but those words stung. Not in a painful way. Just in a shocking, startling, wrenching way.

Santana walked around the car and marched straight for us. Her eyes were wide and wild.

It must have taken her a second to process what was going on. But the closer she got, the paler her face became. When she stopped to stand by Quinn and me, she looked like as white as a ghost.

Quinn spoke first. Her words easily slipped past all the tension. "Are you okay?" She wasn't talking to me though. She was talking to Santana.

If one thing would have been able to make me smile right now, it would have been that.

Some of the color seemed to return to Santana's cheeks. She nodded her head once and then looked to me. "Rachel called for a cop. I'll do the talking if you want and I'll explain everything." Santana darted her eyes across my face, but they kept going back to my lip. "Do you have all of your things? Insurance, license?"

I nodded, "But I lost my keys." It was the first time I had spoken since wanting to be let out of the car, and my voice didn't really sound like my own.

"I'll get all of that." Quinn said and she stepped by me to get inside my truck. She leaned in and I watched her start to dig through the glove box.

I turned to Santana. Her eyes were still on me.

I didn't mean for it to happen, but my eyes started to water. I knew this wasn't good for us. We hadn't even had time to figure things out for ourselves and now we weren't a secret anymore. I would do anything for Santana. I would do anything she asked, even if she asked us to not be as close for a while.

"Are you -ay?" I whispered and my voice cracked with the last word. So I repeated it, "Okay?"

Santana's face twitched. It was like she hadn't been expecting that question. And then it looked like her emotions deflated. When before she had been pale as a ghost, now every bit of color returned to her cheeks.

"Brittany," I heard Rachel's voice as she walked up behind me, "are you okay?"

I nodded, dragged my wrist across my eyes, and I made myself look at Rachel, because looking at Santana was going to make me cry. Crying would make this worse. Santana didn't need to deal with me crying when she had just had someone say those awful and untrue things to her.

"What happened to your lip?" Rachel grabbed my chin and pulled my face closer to her. "Let's get this cleaned up." She grabbed me by the elbow and started to walk me away.

"Wait." I stopped. "There's a cop coming." I looked at Quinn. She was holding all of my things. My keys, my purse, and the envelope from my glove box that had all my car info in it. "This is my car. And I was in it. And I need to talk to him. Are they going to arrest that guy?" I turned to look for him, even though I knew he was gone. Puck was gone too. He must have left with the guy. "Should he have stayed? How are we going to arrest him? He seems mean. I don't want him to find Santana ever again. He should go to jail." My eyes were big, because there were so many questions and possibilities. "What are the cops going to ask? I don't know what to say. I didn't see anything, because of the windows."

The girls stood outside and talked with me and answered all of the questions I asked. The cop came and left. Will did most of the talking and I just nodded and gave yes and no answers. It didn't take long. The cop asked really easy questions and he was really nice. And the entire time all the girls hung out with me and Santana. Even Rachel would elaborate when I just shrugged or mumbled something about not being sure.

Santana was still so shaky, but I think she was trying to look strong and act like she didn't care about what that guy had said. But I knew she cared and I knew that she was about to crack.

When the cop left, Quinn took me inside and to the employee bathroom in the back. Santana was going to come, but Will started talking to her and asking questions. Quinn had to reassure me more than once that Santana would be fine since Will was here and the doors were locked. Will was the best boss ever. He looked out for us and he really cared what happened to us.

Quinn turned on the water for me and held her hand underneath it as she adjusted the temperature. "I want to apologize for earlier." She didn't look up from the sink. She just let the water pool in her hand, and then fall between her fingers.

"That wasn't your fault." I spoke a little louder than I had meant to, but it was because it wasn't her fault. She had nothing to do with what had just happened. She didn't need to apologize.

"Oh, no." Quinn shook her head. "No. Not that. I'm sorry that _that_ happened. Karofksy is a creep and you shouldn't have anything to do with him. He was probably drunk, which means nothing...I saw him earlier when I was working and he was trying to get me to get Santana to talk to him." She rolled her eyes. "He's always at the bar, but I hadn't seen him in a few days. I just had assumed he had given up on Santana." Quinn kept letting the water fill her hands and the she spread her fingers and let it fall out. "I was on my way home when Puck called me and said that Karofsky was freaking out."

"You came back because of Santana?" I smiled. Maybe they were better friends than they thought. They were. People grew attached, no matter the relationship. They didn't have to be best friends to want one-another to be okay.

Quinn shrugged. "I came back after Puck described _your _truck. I assumed Karofsky had confused you with Santana or something. Or maybe Santana had been using your truck." Quinn shrugged again. "I don't know what I thought."

I looked up from the running water and at the mirror. Dried blood was smeared across my chin and my lip was swollen. My reflection shocked me. I guess she had bit my lip pretty hard. I stepped to the mirror, leaned over the sink and got closer to my reflection.

"No. I'm sorry about _Breadstix_." Quinn whispered.

I had completely forgotten about that. I looked at her reflection in the mirror and she was still looking down at her hands and at the running water.

"It's fine." I leaned back. "Did something happen? Are you okay?"

She wasn't okay. There was something and it was pulling her down. It was so obvious. She was here in the bathroom apologizing to me when there was clearly something more important than that.

Quinn shook her head _no. _She didn't look up.

Something was wrong. Very wrong.

I reached for her hand that was still underneath the running water and I pulled it out. And then I shut off the water and rested my hands on top of hers.

She pulled away and walked over to the paper towels. Everything about her was so conflicting. One second she was open, and then she was closed. She apologized, but then there was something wrong. She yanked out two paper towels, walked back, turned the water on and wetted them. She turned the water off and brought the damp towels to my lip.

It stung at first and then I started to feel my lip throb and pulse. And each time she brushed my lip a short and sharp pain bit.

Quinn kept her attention on the paper towel she was using to wipe my lip and chin. I think she figured that if she looked at my eyes, then I would be able to see something.

"You can tell me if you want?" I told her when she moved the paper towel back down to the water to rinse it off. But she ended up just throwing it away and walking back to the dispenser to get a fresh one.

"It's a secret." She spoke to the faucet and just held the paper towel in her hands. She wasn't even getting it wet. She was just rubbing it between her thumb and other fingers. "Something happened that has happened before."

"Oh," I encouraged her. "It's okay..." Maybe she would feel better about talking if she knew that it really was okay. "I know that it can be hard to say some things, but you'll feel better if you do."

Her body tensed. "You know?" She snapped and dropped the paper towel in the sink. She slammed the faucet off. "You know?" Quinn folded her arms across her chest and her eyes went dark. "Of course you know. I'm so stupid. What else did she tell you?" Quinn looked panicked and pissed off at the same time.

"What…?" I was confused. I had missed something. What as she talking about?

"She's manipulating you. You know that right? That's what she does." Quinn as talking with so much kick and sneer to her words. It was intimidating.

"Wait, what?" I snapped back after I realized what she had said. "No she's not."

Quinn took a deep breath. "You're the sweetest person Brittany, and Santana's not. I don't know why you don't see it…"

"She's not doing anything." I creased my forehead together. "And she is sweet." My voice rose. Quinn was wrong. She was confused, and hurt, and I think she was saying things just so she would feel better. But she was wrong…

"No." Quinn argued. "No. She does things to get what she wants. She says what she wants. She doesn't care about shit. Look what happened tonight Brittany. You're not stupid. She probably didn't even tell you about Karofsky."

"She doesn't have to tell me anything…" I mumbled.

Quinn laughed, but it was because she was frustrated. "No. Brittany. If what I think is going on between you two is really going on, then she damn well better tell you those kinds of things. Thank God nothing worse happened."

I clenched my jaw and my fists. Quinn had it wrong. "Santana will explain things now. But our relationship is about us. It isn't about other people…" I took a deep breath. "That's what relationships are. They're about two people. It's easy. They're not about anything other than what two people feel about each other. So, Santana didn't have to tell me anything…"

Quinn faltered. I could see her entire body stutter. It was like she was being told _that_ for the first time. I knew she believed me, because she didn't argue. She knew I was right. Relationships were a lot simpler than people made them out to be.

Me and Santana were easy. We fit from the start.

"Santana is sweet…" I whispered and realized I was almost starting to cry again. I wanted so badly for people to see this. But everyone was so used to seeing her walls and not looking past them at her.

Quinn pursed her lips. "If she's so sweet then why did she tell you about me and what happened?" Quinn cocked her eyebrow.

I didn't answer. I was still confused. Quinn had misunderstood me. I didn't mean Santana had told me her secret, just that I knew what it was like to have a secret…

But Quinn stormed passed me before I was able to say that. She slammed the bathroom door open and it cracked against the wall.

I followed and chased her out. I had to almost jog to keep up with her. "Quinn?" I called her name. Where was she going? She flung open the swinging bar door that headed out to the bar and it cracked against the wall too. "Quinn, wait." She didn't listen. I jumped ran through the door before it swung closed on me.

Everyone was sitting on the other side of the bar on the bar stools and talking. Will, Tina, Rachel, and Santana. Or it had looked like they had been talking, but now they all were watching Quinn with the most terrified and confused expressions.

Quinn kept marching and rushed around the bar. She looked beyond furious. She looked like she had nothing to lose and she wanted to make someone see just how much pain she was in.

She walked straight for Santana.

My eyes went big. _Uh oh. _

I started to run around the bar and after Quinn again.

I was too late. Quinn grabbed Santana's shoulders and yanked her backwards off the stool. She hit the floor, hard. The thud echoed through the entire bar and it was because the only other noises were silent gasps. The stool fell over with her and smacked against the wood flooring.

My jaw dropped.

What the hell?

I rushed to Santana and I grabbed her elbow so I could help her up.

"What the fuck Fabray!" Santana stood up completely. And right when she stood up Quinn pushed her and she went stumbling from my grip and back into Tina.

"I'm so tired of this!" Quinn screamed and Will jumped off of his stool and to hold her back, because she had started to charge again. She peeked her head around him and continued to scream at Santana. "You do whatever you want! You take whatever you want! Why don't you think of someone besides yourself?"

I think Santana was too startled to respond at first. Her eyes were wide and her forehead was creased with shocked-confusion. "Excuse me?" Santana returned a scowl finally. She didn't yell back at Quinn, but her scowl and the way she spoke definitely held their own.

Quinn tried to squirm herself from Will's grip. "Do you have any idea what could have happened tonight to Brittany? Do you even care?" She grunted through her teeth as she tried to wiggle free from Will.

"That's not her fault Quinn," I said with as much confidence as I could, but the truth was I was a completely scared. I hadn't known Quinn for very long, but I knew what kind of person she was…and that person had snapped and was gone. Quinn had snapped.

Quinn completely ignored me, but the looks from everyone else didn't go unnoticed.

"You can't just keep taking what you want, when you want Santana!" Quinn's face was burning red from anger. "There are other people to consider!" She was screaming at the top of her lungs and her voice kept scratching from doing so.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Santana held her hands up. She glanced over at me and I wasn't much help, because my jaw was halfway dropped and my eyes were bugging from my head.

I wanted Quinn to calm down, but I didn't think she would be able to. Something in her had gone off and it wasn't going to shut off anytime soon.

"I'm talking about you and your mouth. You say whatever you want to people and now you're saying shit to Brittany to get what you want." Quinn's voice scratched as she yelled.

I walked closer and went to stand by Santana. But that comment from Quinn must have set Santana off, because she lunged for Quinn. Tina and Rachel jumped in and started to hold Santana back.

"Fuck you Quinn." Santana shouted back. "You don't know anything!"

"Calm down Santana." Rachel spoke softly and tried to block her from seeing Quinn.

Santana struggled to look past the girls, and Will started to walk Quinn to the front door.

"I'm not going to calm down!" Santana tried to pull her arms free from Tina and Rachel. "Shut your fucking mouth Quinn. You don't know what you're talking about!"

My heart was beating so hard. I couldn't figure out what to say, or do, or why they were yelling. But I knew this had something to do with me. I knew they were yelling because I had accidentally said something to Quinn and now she was mad at Santana.

"Sorry." I whispered but I knew nobody could hear me.

"Really? I don't know what I'm talking about!" Quinn screamed louder because she was getting further away. "You would know that wouldn't you... You would know _all_ about talking and running your mouth. Why don't you say something else to Brittany so she'll believe you walk on water or that you're something so fucking special? Tell her Santana." Quinn was egging her on. "She'll believe whatever you say. She doesn't know any better? Is that right? Is it Santana?"

"She's not a fucking child Quinn!" Santana screamed. "She's sure as hell smarter than you."

And then Quinn went silent and Santana stopped struggling. "She's not a child." Santana repeated but softer. "Stop treating her like one and stop talking like that."

When this conversation had already been breathtakingly terrifying…now it was so heavy and so thick that I thought everyone was going to suffocate from the tension.

"I'm not saying she is..." Quinn barely whispered. "But I guess it would be easy for me to get confused since I lost mine. Right? Is that what you're trying to say?"

Now everyone was silent. The room felt so thick and I didn't even think people were breathing.

"Of course not." Santana responded.

Quinn laughed. It was the same laugh she had given me in the bathroom. Nervous. "Well, I'm not so sure. But hey, now everyone knows. I guess you can't hold it against me or whatever you were planning on doing...tell people about it so they'll like you more."

Everyone was silent again.

I spoke. "Santana didn't tell me that."

Quinn rolled her eyes and left. She left before anyone was able to say anything or stop her.

"Dammit." Santana hissed. And then started to stomp toward the front door.

I was quick to follow. I knew she was going to calm Quinn down. I knew that they were better friends than they let on, and I knew that they cared about each other, despite what had just happened. Santana threw the front door open and stopped just outside of it and jumped back to catch it so it didn't swing shut and hit me.

Both of us started following Quinn. She was already to her car and unlocking the driver door.

"Quinn, wait." Santana yelled and it sounded so frustrated and defeated.

It just made Quinn fumble quicker to get her car unlocked.

I turned my walk into a jog. And just as Quinn sat down in her car, I grabbed the door before she shut it.

"Brittany, go away." Quinn tried to pull her door again, but I stepped in the way.

Santana walked up, but she didn't walk all the way up. I think she was giving Quinn her space, but still letting her know she was there.

I leaned in the car and hugged Quinn. It was a little awkward at first, but I kept squeezing until she hugged back. She just buried her face into my neck. She didn't cry loudly. She didn't even really make a sound. I just felt tears against my neck.

**XXXXXXxxxxx**

**Thanks Stephanie! :D**


	22. No

**a/n : songs for this chapter , add 'youtube' to the beginning of the link**

**.com/watch?v=Vbg7YoXiKn0 - Stand by Me  
>.comwatch?v=0xGqfmvNVuk - Sincerely**

**Hope you enjoy. Check out my tumblr and ask questions if you have any :) www . frogsrcool . tumblr . com**

**Chapter 22 : No**

Quinn cried for a while. I wasn't sure how long, but it was long enough for my legs to start getting sore. I wasn't going to move though. She needed someone and even though I was so confused and so frustrated, because I was so confused, I wasn't going to stop hugging her. I would hug her until she was done.

I wanted to look back at Santana. I wanted to smile at her. What she did was so incredibly nice. Going after Quinn after what Quinn had accused her of. But that was how Santana was. She did things for people when they needed it the most. She may not know it, I'm sure she didn't, but she was the type of person who held people up so they didn't fall. I knew she held me up so high.

The longer I hugged Quinn the more I was able to really think about what could happen and what had just happened.

What if Santana wanted to take a break? My heart hurt with that thought. We had been so good and had come so far. I didn't want to pause anything. I wanted Santana, but more importantly I wanted her to have me and have someone she could open up to, because she was so stunning on the inside. It pissed me off that someone like that boy had done that to her. He had forced fears and ideas onto Santana and he had said things that were so far from the truth and I knew she was so scared. I could still feel how shaken she was and I wasn't even looking at her.

I didn't know much. But I knew that I loved Santana. And when it came down to it, if she wanted time and space, I would give it to her.

I squeezed Quinn tighter.

"Thank you." Quinn whispered into my neck. "I'm sorry."

I squeezed her again and then let go and pulled back. That was when I glanced back at Santana. She was standing a few feet away with her arms crossed over her chest. She didn't look angry. Guarded, but not angry. I figured she was standing like that, because she was trying so hard to hold herself together. I wished I could have walked over and held her. And I would have, but I didn't know if that would have made things worse. I didn't want to push anything. As always, I wanted just as much as she was willing to give me.

I looked back at Quinn. "You don't need to apologize to me." I smiled, but the smile felt sad. It was because she looked so sad. Her makeup was smeared black and her eyes were so glossy. I squatted down and rested my hands on her knees. Just like Santana had done for me when I had been crying and sitting in her car the night my mom had kicked me out. I figured if Santana had done that and made me feel better, then maybe I could do it to Quinn. Quinn needed to feel better. "But maybe you should apologize to Santana," I whispered. "Santana's the sweetest girl ever. And you're pretty darn sweet yourself." I smiled again. "But no more throwing her off stools, please."

Quinn laughed and nodded her head. She sniffed away her tears and wiped her eyes. "Okay. I promise I won't do that again."

I heard Santana laugh so I knew she had heard. That was probably the best apology she would get from Quinn, so I didn't push the issue. Just as long as Quinn knew that what she had done wasn't the best way to go about things and that I didn't like her doing that to Santana.

"So," I inched closer to her until my knees bumped into her seat, "do you want to talk about stuff?" I looked back at Santana. She still had her arms crossed over her chest and I could tell she had been watching me, not Quinn. I looked back at Quinn. "We can talk about whatever you want."

"I didn't mean what I said." Quinn looked down at me and wiped her eyes again. "About you Brittany. You're not a child and Santana's right," her voice cracked, "you're a lot smarter than me." Quinn didn't start crying again though. She held herself together.

But even as she held herself together, every emotion I had fell with her. She looked so hurt and lost.

"You're smart." I couldn't help but grin, because that felt like a roundabout way for her to apologize to Santana. But again the smile felt sad, because of how sad Quinn looked.

Quinn shook her head and rolled her eyes.

I replayed the conversation me and her had had in the bathroom not long ago. _Something happened that has happened before. _I felt my face fall as I suddenly got it.

She was pregnant again. That was why the _child _comment from Santana set her off. She was pregnant. Again.

I glanced back at Santana to see if she knew what I knew. But I didn't think she did. Of course she didn't, because Quinn hadn't told her what she had told me about something happening again.

I pulled my lips into my mouth and studied Quinn. She looked nervous and that was probably because I was studying her so hard. But I kept studying and thinking. If Santana had known about it before, then I think it was okay for her to know it this time. "Are you pregnant again?" I asked.

I heard Santana's breathing hitch.

Quinn didn't answer.

That was a yes.

"When did you find out?" I asked. But I knew that answer too. So I just answered it for her, because it didn't look like she could talk yet. "Today? Is that why you couldn't make it to _Breadstix_?"

No answer.

I didn't ask any more questions. Not yet. I would wait a second, until she was ready to talk. I glanced back at Santana. Her face looked hard, yet forgiving and understanding. Like she was angry, but not angry at the same time. I think she was just jumbled and a little shocked.

"I don't want anyone to know." Quinn straightened herself. "Not any of the other girls. I don't want it to get back to my parents." Quinn looked away from me and tilted the rearview mirror to face her. And then she started to fiddle with her hair.

Santana spoke now. Her voice startled me a little, because I hadn't expected her to talk. "You don't have to do what they say Quinn. You're nineteen. You can do what you want."

"It's not that easy Santana." Quinn continued to fix her hair.

"But it is _that easy_." I could almost hear Santana roll her eyes. She stepped closer until I felt her standing and hovering just behind me.

"No. It's not." Quinn shot her eyes over me and at Santana. "I lived with your dad for two seconds before he found out and told my parents. This time I have nowhere to go. And believe me when I say that if I knew what was going to happen I would have never accepted your offer to live with you and your dad. It was awful."

"Fuck you Quinn." Santana hissed. "You didn't have to come if you didn't want to."

I turned back to Santana. Her face looked hurt. I dropped my eyes over her entire body and then moved them back up to her face. Down to her feet, up her legs, over the dress I had just so recently had pulled up to her waist, and then to her sunken and pain creased face. God she looked so hurt.

"Whatever." Quinn whispered.

"It's not _whatever_ Quinn." I spoke. She looked down at me, clearly not expecting me to say something. "Look, we'll be here to help," I paused, because I hadn't really meant to say _we'll…_I didn't know if me and Santana were going to be _we_ anymore. I cleared my throat. "If you want," I didn't bother to correct myself. I wanted Santana and me to be _we. _"And I know you're confused and hurt, but I care about Santana so please don't say things you don't mean…"

Quinn took a deep breath. I think she was just used to attacking and trying to put her pain on someone else. A lot of people were like that actually. It wasn't her fault. She just needed someone to tell her what she was doing. She just needed someone to cry with and talk to, because I didn't think she had someone like that.

"Okay." Quinn said with another shallow breath. "Okay. I need to get home. My parents are expecting me."

I nodded and stood up. I stepped back.

She didn't look out at us right away. She just sat there. But when she did look at us she looked completely frightened. Yet another sad smile swallowed my face. But she gave us a quick glance, mimicked my smile, shut her door, and left without saying bye.

She left Santana and me alone. Just the two of us. Alone. My heart started to race. I knew what was coming. I knew it and it made my eyes start to water. God, this was going to hurt. My chest heaved with an unexpected breath.

Santana turned, and shot her attention to me.

I didn't look at her. I just closed my eyes and I clenched my fists.

Too much had happened today. Way too much and I didn't know how to help anyone. I tried to help Quinn, but she had left. Maybe I could call her later. I would call her. I liked Quinn. She was a good person and a good friend.

And Santana. I didn't even know where to begin.

Santana didn't say anything, while I stood there and tried to sort everything out, and now I was completely sure about what was going to happen. And another unexpected breath filled my chest. With it came the most painful thoughts. This was so stupid. I clenched my fists tighter. There was no way I could fix what had happened. I knew that the damage was already done. When bad things happened, people hid. Santana was going to hide. I could already see and feel her hiding. When she had been crossing her arms over her chest…When she had looked so close to breaking…

She was already hiding.

"Do you girls want a ride?" Rachel's voice broke my thoughts. And then her hand touched my back.

I opened my eyes and they were thick with tears. Everything was blurry. I didn't wipe them. I didn't want them to know I was upset. I wanted Santana to know that even while she hid I would wait for her. If she wanted to crawl into the darkest and deepest well, I would sit on the edge of that well and I would wait until she wanted me to pull her out. People like her deserved and needed to hide sometimes…so it was okay.

"Sure." Santana answered.

Rachel handed me my purse and handed Santana hers. And then both of us followed Rachel to her car. Santana kept her arms folded across her chest and her head down. I slung my purse over my shoulder and shoved my hands in my pockets. It was the only place I could think to put them.

Santana opened the back door and slipped into the back seat of Rachel's car as quickly as she was able to. I swallowed a cry. She hadn't even looked at me. I swallowed down another swelling of tears in my throat, rounded the car, and sat up front with Rachel. I didn't look back at Santana, not after I had caught her reflection in the windshield and saw her stuffed as far away from me as possible and staring out her window.

Instead, I clicked my seatbelt and held my breath.

Rachel started her car. And then she asked Santana where she lived. Santana mumbled something about the west side, so I just told Rachel the directions as we went. It kept me distracted, because I had to think and make sure we were headed the right way. And Rachel asked questions when I wasn't telling her where to turn. They were easy questions.

"So when's our next Wizard of Oz movie night?" Rachel smiled at me after I told her to take a left down Santana's road.

"Oh, uh…" and then I flashed a brief smiled. Those movie nights had been fun. Rachel used to come over when we were little and hang out during the evenings when her dads went to jazzercise and sometimes my mom would let us watch Wizard of Oz in the living room. Rachel always discussed the movie with my mom. Actually, Rachel always had talked and talked about so much stuff with my mom. I had loved listening to them talk about the movie back then, even if I had no clue what they were talking about. I only watched the movie because I liked when the scarecrow sang. My family used to always say that I was pretty similar to the scarecrow. I told Hailey she was the dog, because she would never sing along with me and Rachel, and the dog doesn't sing.

"Some traditions just shouldn't be stopped. I know it's been years since we've seen the movie, but your mom sure does know her Judy Garland trivia." Rachel looked to me, "Which house?"

"The last one." I pointed forward.

My mom did know a lot about that stuff. Her and Rachel used to talk through the entire movie. Maybe that's why I had never understood it…

"Here we are ladies." Rachel perked up as she pulled up into Santana's driveway.

My eyes went wide. I hadn't really thought Rachel was going to drop us _both _off here. It was like she had just assumed…Why hadn't I been worried about that? Why hadn't I planned on what I would do while we were driving here? What if Santana wanted space and wanted me to go to my own house? I slowly reached for the door handle. My heart was in my throat. I didn't want to make Rachel drive me home and ask her if she could, because what if Santana did want me here…

I grabbed the door handle and opened it. I got out of the car, thanked Rachel, waved bye to her and watched her drive away. I kept my eyes glued to her car as she drove back down Santana's road. I refused to look at Santana. I was trying to think of something to say to her. Something that would make this all okay.

I stared, and stared, and stared until Rachel's car was gone. And then I couldn't stare at nothing anymore. I had to look at her. And when I did, she was standing in the same spot she had been when she stepped out of the car and she was looking down at my feet. Her eyes came to life when she must have noticed me looking at her.

She swallowed.

My hands started to shake so I stuffed them in my pockets again.

"Karofsky isn't my boyfriend." Santana broke the silence.

I nodded quickly, mostly because I was eager for her to talk. Maybe if she talked I would be able to figure out things.

"He was mad…obviously." Santana laughed nervously. "He, uh," she cleared her throat, "it's weird…" Santana narrowed her eyes.

I nodded again, even though I was still confused. _Weird? _

"His dad is my dad's boss. We dated for a little bit my senior year. My dad encouraged it." Santana tried to shrug and look indifferent about that. But she looked anything but indifferent. "My dad and Karofsky are really buddy-buddy. Last time I _cheated _on him, my dad found out…"

"I could have explained things to him," my voice was shaking. "Maybe he would have understood cause I'm a girl."

Santana laughed, but the laugh disappeared quickly. "No." She shook her head and shook off the tense-smile that had momentarily been on her face. "Definitely no. If he had caught me and a stupid boy I would have let the guy out of the truck in a heartbeat. It's kind of ironic…" Santana rolled her eyes and then crossed her arms again. I think she had forgotten they were supposed to be folded.

_Ironic? _

"How?"

"How's it ironic?" Santana shifted uncomfortably. "Let's just say that Karofsky wasn't pissed because he's jealous or possessive. That's what everyone thinks."

I tried to read her, but the only think I could read was her anxiousness and uneasiness.

"So why was he mad?" I whispered.

"People ask questions when your ex hooks up with everyone but you…" Santana shrugged. "I don't know. He's…" she couldn't find a word. She just took a deep breath. She searched me, like she was looking for an answer, and then finally spoke again. "He's mad because I know he's gay. It's confusing." Santana continued to speak and repeat herself about it being confusing or weird or difficult. I let her fumble over her words and just watched, because I had been stuck on the word _gay. _

I hadn't even remotely considered anything like that. Gay? What…

I swallowed the dryness in my throat.

When she stopped speaking we stood in silence for a few seconds until I spoke. "He's not going to do anything to you right? I don't want you to get hurt…"

Santana shook her head and hugged herself tighter. "No. I'll take care of it. He was drunk and probably freaking out because he didn't want Puck to question his _manliness." _She rolled her eyes as she said the last word.

The way she was hugging herself made me stuff my hands further into my pocket. The questions I wanted to ask were on the tip of my trembling lips. I tried to keep them in. I didn't want to ask them. But something slipped through. "I think Quinn knows…" I slammed my eyes shut. _Shit. _Why couldn't I hold it just a little longer, or preferably, forever?

Santana didn't answer.

Tears were begging to squeeze out the corners of my eyes, so I kept them closed. "I didn't mean for her to find out. She just guessed and she knows you bit my lip…" It was so hard to say those words without crying. I had to say them quick and in one breath.

"Yeah…" Santana whispered.

I relaxed my face because it was beginning to hurt from pinching my eyes so tightly shut. And then I opened my eyes and looked at her. She wasn't looking at me. So I closed my eyes again.

"I'm really sorry Brittan-y." Santana's voice broke with my name. A few seconds passed. "I'm sorry."

I nodded quickly thinking that doing that would make my mind somehow be okay with this. "I know. It's okay. I understand. I do."

It was silent for a little longer.

"I really am sorry Brittany." Santana's voice was still so weak. "We," she stopped and even if I wasn't looking at her because my eyes were still closed, I knew she had paused so she could keep herself from crying.

I felt tears fall from the corner of my eyes and then I cried a sob. I couldn't hold it in. But it was just one. And I stopped the others. I forced them deep down into my chest. I wouldn't take this from her. She, of all people, deserved this decision.

I just shoved my hands further into my pockets and squeezed my eyes tighter.

Santana's voice shook so much. "We can still be friends."

I had to hold in everything so tightly. I nodded quickly, still thinking that would somehow make this all magically and instantly better. Everything inside me was getting so big. But I would hold it in. I turned away from her and started to let out quiet, shaking, breaths to lessen this feeling.

"It's fine…Really. I want to be your friend." Every word sounded different form the next and it was because I felt like I was standing on the most uneven surface and stumbling. "I want to be anything. So that's what I'll be."

She let me catch my breath. And I let the tears in my eyes fall to the corner of my mouth, just as long as I wasn't looking at her. I could cry if I wasn't looking. Not too big though, because she was still right behind me.

"Dammit." She hissed.

My stomach fell even further. I knew she knew that I was crying. I didn't want her to know. "Sorry." I gurgled out. "Sorry. I'm fine."

"No." I heard her footsteps walk towards me. "No. No, no, no, no." She kept repeating. She put her hand flat against the middle of my back.

She just held it there for a while. A long while, because by the time she spoke again my tears had stopped.

"Can I tell you something?" She asked. "A secret."

I nodded. Slowly this time, because nodding quickly didn't help.

"I made a bucket list today at work." She laughed and I heard the laugh come through tears of her own. "Like yours."

I smiled and turned to face her.

I hadn't expected her to look the way she did. She was smiling. Teary eyed, but smiling. Even her eyes were smiling. She looked beautiful and bright, and in an instant I forgot I had been crying.

"I made this bucket list at work and I could only think of one thing to put on it." She reached for my pinkie and linked hers with mine.

I smiled even bigger. I still felt heavy and sad, but it made me smile so big. The thought of Santana making a bucket list was super cute. She had probably even written it on a napkin and used one of Will's special pens that he tried to hide from us in his office.

She looked at our hands and when she spoke again, she caught my eyes with hers. "Get _soup _with Britt."

I snorted a laugh. And then laughed through the tears that were still stuck in my throat. She laughed too. It was sweeter than anything I had ever heard.

"I want to be your friend, but I want you more Britt. Fuck everyone else. Fuck what happens. I want to get soup with you, I want to eat gummy bears or whatever it is we're supposed to do with each other. I'm scared yes, but I'm more scared of losing you."

My smile felt so ridiculously big. But her smile was blindingly gorgeous. It was smaller than mine, but still blinding.

I couldn't believe it. Was this real? "Really?" My smile started to hurt my face.

Santana nodded and the corner of her lip pulled her mouth up. "Come with me?" She gestured toward her house and then started to pull my pinkie with her pinkie. I thought she was leading me inside, but instead she led me around the back of her house and to the garage.

She let go of my hand and crouched down to find a key underneath a clay flower pot with no flowers, just dirt.

I couldn't even describe this feeling. I was floating. So light. So happy. She had made my dreams come true. _She wanted to be with me. _She wanted to, even after what had happened today. I think those butterflies had flown away with my heart. I wanted to tell her that and tell her that they flew away with it and gave it to her, but the only thing I could do was watch her, because everything still felt so surreal.

She tilted the flower pot and pulled out a bronze key. And then she moved it up to the locks on the door.

This felt right. It was the most right feeling I had ever had. Nobody has ever known me as well as she did. I pinched myself, just to make sure this wasn't a dream. And then I giggled at my own cheesiness. Santana peeked over her shoulder at me and winked.

The door opened and she crouched back down with the key to hide it, before she reached her arm in to the pitch black garage and flicked a light on.

She gestured for me to enter first, and then followed me in.

It was a shop. There were three cars. Old fancy cars. One of them didn't even have a hood. "These are cool." I gawked and walked to the closest one. I ran my hand over the metal from the trunk, across the door, and then to the hood. It wasn't painted yet, but it still was the coolest car I had ever seen.

I set my purse next to hers on the floor and then looked everywhere. Up at the roof that was so incredibly high. It was as tall as her two-story house, but I could see the ceiling from the first floor. There were benches piled high with toolboxes and what had to be engine parts. It was huge. Bigger than my house.

"My dad fixes cars when he's home." She explained. And then she walked to the middle of the shop and clicked on a dangling light bulb that was hanging all the way from the ceiling on a super long chain.

I watched her as she ran her own fingers over the hood of another car. That was black and shiny and had perfect paint. I watched her fiddle with a few things on one of the benches, I watched her open a red toolbox just so she could peek inside of it. And then I watched her walk back to the door, lock it, and then flick off the main light.

Everything went dark, except for the orange glow from the hanging bulb. I watched her silhouette walk through the garage. But she knew where she was going, and it was probably because she had been out here millions of times. She turned on a radio that was on one of the workbenches and started to tune it through the fuzz. Finally she settled on a radio station.

I recognized the beat immediately. It was an old song. _When the night, has come, and the land is dark, and the moon, is the only, light we'll see. _

Santana spun on her heels and walked to me.

She was grinning from ear to hear. She grabbed my hand and spun me. "_Just as long, as you stand, stand by me…so darlin', darlin' stand by me." _Santana sung along with the song.

The blush on my face was so hot and so burning. She grabbed my other hand and we started to dance like I would imagine two little kids would dance. Hand in hand, spinning, off-beat. She kept singing with the song and now I couldn't even look at her for more than a split second, or my face would probably set fire.

She spun me again, and I squealed out with the dorkiest laugh.

When I finished spinning and faced her she let go of one of my hands and wrapped it around my waist, kept ahold of one hand, and we kept dancing little circles in the middle of the garage.

"_Whoa..stand now, stand by me, stand by me…" _She turned us and then spun me again.

We danced, and laughed, and when the song ended we were still softly laughing and stepped apart. I clapped for her and she did the cutest little curtsey I had ever seen.

Another old song started.

"That was fun." I told her. "I like old songs."

"Me too." She walked with her hands clasped behind her back over to one of the old cars. The further she got from the hanging light, the darker she got. She opened the door, stood by it, and she waved her hand for me to get into the back seat. Just like a chauffeur.

All my emotions jumped at once and I literally ran over to the car. I slowed myself as I neared her, grabbed her hand, and pulled her in with me as I sat and fell back against the seat.

We both let out an _oomph _as I fell on my back and she landed on top of me.

"That was graceful." She teased and scooted herself on top of me to find a good spot. But instead of scooting all the way up to my mouth, she stopped at my collarbone and softly pecked it. She had her arms tucked into her chest in between us, she leaned in, and gently pressed her lips to my skin.

The mood instantly changed. The second her lips touched my skin all the air in my chest blew out and I tilted my head back to make sure she knew she could kiss wherever she wanted to kiss. Her lips peppered all along my collarbone. Soft. Gentle. Playful.

Slowly she kissed her way up. Each kiss almost softer than the last. The last kiss she placed was right below my ear. "How's your lip?" She whispered.

The way she spoke sent shivers through my entire body and I shuddered. I knew she felt me shudder, because I felt her smile graze against my ear in response.

She lifted herself a little bit up and looked down at me. Her hair hung down and tickled my cheeks as her eyes flickered between my lip and my eyes. She pulled one of her arms out from between us, brought her thumb up and ever so softly dragged it across my bottom lip.

I twitched when she grazed over the bite she had left.

"Sorry." She pulled her thumb back. "Looks like no kissing." She frowned.

I frowned too and I pouted my lip out. It wasn't hard to do, because it felt swollen and huge.

She rolled her eyes and laughed. "Oh come on. Do not look at me like that. I already feel bad enough for biting you. Which I'm so sorry for doing." She was still smiling though. And she slowly lowered her mouth to mine. "Don't move." She whispered into my lips and then puckered hers out just enough to graze my mouth with the lightest and sweetest kiss. "Better?" She leaned back up.

I nodded and felt my cheeks heat up. I was just glad that the only light was coming from outside the car and it wasn't enough for her to see the very obvious redness in my face.

"Do it again." I smirked.

She cocked an eyebrow, but did it again. She lowered herself and pressed yet another incredibly soft kiss to my lips. It didn't hurt at all, but that was because she barely touched. _This _was my favorite kiss. There was no way it couldn't be.

She dragged her lips across my cheek to start kissing below my ear again. I turned my head so my cheek pressed against the leather of the seat. Her lips slid over the tinkles that were prickling my skin. I tried to expose as much neck as possible.

She kissed. And kissed. Her mouth parted around the bottom of my ear, and she held it in between her lips.

So many tingles.

"I guess I can just kiss you." She spoke into the skin of my neck and slid her lips over my neck to start kissing near my throat. Her lips felt so warm and so wet.

"You can kiss as much as you want." My voice sounded an octave lower than it usually did.

"Is that right?" She spoke in between the gentle smacks.

"Mmmhmm…" I closed my eyes and then I was able to hear the soft beat from the radio. It was another old song.

She darted her tongue out. It was still so warm, which was weird because my skin felt like it was on fire. And her tongue was smooth. Wet and smooth. And then her lips kissed that same spot and it sent nerves shooting and shocking down my body and stopping in between my legs. I twitched.

_Sincerely, cause I love you so dearly. Please say you'll be mine. _

The song was perfect. It was a little slower and old and they kept humming _ba-doe _in the background. It made me want to completely and totally relax and let her do whatever she wanted to me, and at the same time made me want to do things to her.

I wrapped my arms around her and pressed my fingertips into the lower part of her back. Slowly I slid my hands over her dress, lower, over her butt, until I grabbed the bottom of her dress. I started to pull it up. When it got caught, because she was lying on me, she lifted her body up and let me pull it all the way up to her waist. And then she laid back down on me.

I slid my hand over her butt again. And my heart hammered as I did. Her skin was just as hot as mine. I pressed my hands into her bottom, grabbed it, and then pulled her up and harder into the kisses she was putting all over my neck. It made her gasp and open her mouth against my neck. She swallowed my skin and I squeezed her bottom again and pulled her up into me even harder.

This time I slid my hands down a little further and cupped the insides of her thighs. They felt so warm. Before I ran my hands back up I pressed and dragged my fingers against her middle and felt her underwear stick to the part where it felt hottest.

"_Hm." _She held her breath and pushed her lips hard against me. "Let me kiss you." She whispered into my neck and then she lifted up. She sucked her lips into her mouth and wetted them.

I blinked slow, because her kissing had kind of hypnotized me and then touching her down there kind of slowed everything down even more. I wasn't able to answer. I just watched her scoot off of me. She scooted backwards, all the way out of the car and stood up. But then she leaned in and patted my shin. "Scoot to me."

I did as she said. I scooted down to her and sat up. Just as I was about to stand up out of the car, she put her hands on my shoulders. "Lie back."

"Okay." Again I did as she said. I figured it had probably been uncomfortable to lie and kiss like she had been doing. This would probably be more comfortable.

I lay back against the seat, with my feet flat against the garage floor outside of the car.

I felt her hands wrap around my calves. "Scoot down a little more."

So I scooted a little closer to her. She kept pulling me until my butt was nearly off of the seat. "Like this?" I asked.

"Just like this." She whispered. And then she leaned back in the car and started to unbutton my pants for me. She unhooked the button and then zipped down the zipper.

_Sincerely, don't you know that I love you. _I heard the song a little better now.

I swallowed. _Wait. _My tummy flipped and flipped and filled with so much pressure. "Oh my God…" I hushed.

I saw a closed mouth smile flash on her face. It was the same smile she got whenever she did something that made me squirm. Like she knew she was the hottest thing I had ever seen. I liked that smile. It was honest confidence…She knew she had me wrapped around her fingers.

She pulled my shorts down until they reached my feet. And then she lifted my feet to pull off my shoes, one by one, before she slid my shorts all the way off. She leaned back in, hooked her fingers around the waist band of my underwear, and then slid them down the same way she had slid my shorts down.

I let out a little _hmph, _because the thought of her being this close to me and me not having any underwear on was already enough to turn me on.

She leaned back in, crawled up me, placed both of her hands on either side of my head, and then slowly, gently, lowered herself to place one last soft kiss to my lips. She leaned back out of the car and then sat on her knees by my feet.

I lifted my head and looked at her. _Wait again. _My eyes shot open.

"Put your feet in the car for a second." She patted the seat.

I did it so quickly. I swallowed an anxious gulp. This was really happening. She was going to touch me again.

I kept my head up off the seat and watched her scoot closer on her knees. She put her hands on my shins. And then she grabbed around my calves again, lifted and guided one of my legs to rest on her shoulder and then the other on her other shoulder.

She reached up, gripped my hips, and pulled at me to scoot down. So I did. I scooted closer to her.

"_Fuck." _The words slipped through my lips. She wasn't going to _touch_ me down there.

My legs hung off of her shoulders, my heels pressed into her back. The second her lips pressed against the inside of my thigh I felt so much stickiness in between my legs. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. I was already letting out little muted whimpers.

Her hands slid up under my shirt, up my side, and then her nails scratched back down.

Little by little she kissed closer.

"Relax." She hushed.

I tried to relax. I laid my head back down and closed my eyes. But the second she touched me with her mouth I was going to explode. There was no way I could relax.

Each time she kissed the inside of my thigh a small amount of pressure would fill my stomach, and when her lips pulled away that pressure would release and I would let out a breath. And in between my legs would get hotter, and stickier, and I was even sensitive enough to feel her breath near that area.

She was kissing the crease at the top of my leg now. So close. Her tongue ran flat against the crease and my back arched as I pushed up into her to make sure she kept her tongue on me as long as possible.

As I rested back against the seat she did it. A small kiss in the middle. My body froze. It didn't feel like her fingers had felt. Her lips were soft, full, wet, and now two wet things were touching and that pressure in my stomach nearly popped. I cursed again and arched again, because I wanted her lips on me now for as long as possible. I wanted her lips on me, swallowing me, kissing, sucking.

She opened her mouth and kissed. So many tingles shook and twitched my body. Her lips pushed into me and the knot in my stomach twisted incredibly tight. I felt myself and my wetness cover her lips and get into her mouth. But I think she liked the way it tasted, because she kissed again harder and deeper and longer.

I scooted down further. And then I pulled her closer with my legs.

I was shaking and I was embarrassingly close to that feeling of coming so high and falling so fast. I didn't want to come though. Not yet. I wanted that knot in my stomach to squeeze and squeeze and I wanted it to get so tight to the point that I was screaming.

I cursed again. _Fuck. _

Another wave in my stomach. She kissed. And another wave. And then she pressed her tongue flat, like she had on the inside crease of my leg, and she ran it through everything that felt wet.

I pulled her so close with my legs. That falling feeling started. And when she ran her tongue over me for a second time and licked the sensitive part near the top, that falling feeling restarted and I made the loudest grunt echo within the car.

She kissed the sensitive part, pushed her tongue into it, and I arched my whole body off of the seat and pinched my own skin on my thighs to a keep a grip on something.

She pushed her tongue against me again and I shook and trembled and forgot that I was falling and another one of my grunts filled the back of the car. I couldn't hold the noise in. It broke through and was the only escape I had, because my muscles were clenched and she was still kissing and winding me and I was overwound and falling apart.

She sucked, kissed, and did this a few more times until I couldn't breathe. I fell back onto the seat and gasped for air. She pressed another light kiss and I shuddered, because it was way too sensitive now, and let out a whimper. I had absolutely no control over my body.

She placed light kisses against the inside of my thighs as I tried to catch my breath. I heaved my chest searching for air. My eyes were still closed and I felt every light kiss and every time her hair tickled the inside of my legs.

She eventually scooted back and carefully laid my legs down.

I think she watched me for a second, which was completely fine with me. I would watch her too if she was lying in a car, sweaty, out of breath, and had no pants on.

I opened my eyes when she grabbed my hand. She sat me up and then helped me slide my underwear and shorts back on. While I tied my shoes she went and shut off the radio. She shut the light off in the middle of the garage, walked back to me, grabbed my hand, and then led me to the door and through the darkness. We walked carefully, her hand squeezing mine so hard.

I squeezed back as hard as I could. I was still trying to catch my breath. That was the best thing I think I may have ever had done to me and will ever have done to me. "You're good at that." I whispered, but only because it was dark.

She sighed a soft laugh and shut the garage door after we walked out into the yard. She crouched back down and grabbed the key under the flower pot. "Good."

"I mean really good. That felt so good." I reached and grabbed her hand again after she put the key back and linked my fingers through hers. "I think it feels so good with you, because I like you so much." I sucked my lips into my mouth, because those words kind of just fell out.

She shot up her eyebrows, but then she blushed. We walked hand in hand to her house.

I whispered when we reached the back door. "I can do that to you. I wanted to earlier in my truck. I was going to slide down and do it."

She coughed and slid the back door open for me.

"I think you'll like it…" I continued to whisper.

She shut the door behind us and then grabbed my hand with both of her hands. "I think I'll like it too."

And she led me through the house, up to her bathroom, and we both got ready for bed.

**xxxXXXXX**

**Thank you Stephanie. :)**


	23. Just Because You're Cinderella

**a/n: Sorry it took so long to post this one :( I've been so busy lately. And then when I did start to write it, it was really hard to write. I've never taken as long as I took with this chapter to write. It was weird. But hopefully it's still good. Let me know. **

**Oh, and if you want, go watch this again - add youtube to the beginning of the link.  
><strong>**.com/watch?v=xnmdvpAOLxY&feature=**

**or check out my tumblr - www . frogsrcool . tumblr . com**

**Chapter 23 : Just Because You're Cinderella **

I couldn't stop thinking about what had just happened. And I knew I was staring at her while I brushed my teeth, but I think I was just a little overwhelmed. But I was okay with being overwhelmed. It was like she had known exactly what to do and what to say to me. And even though she had been really scared about everything that had just happened at work, she made it about me and had given me something so amazing.

There was no way I could ever figure out how or why Santana was so sweet. Most people didn't give things to others when they were scared without expecting something in return. They usually just kept to themselves. Unless they were my sister, and six, and had snuck a Hot Pocket from the fridge and had given it to me to hold when our mom had woken up and came out into the living room.

But Santana had turned on the radio and she had danced with me. And then she had even sung to me too. It was so much fun.

I smiled and toothpaste fell down my chin. Before it dripped on the floor I lunged for the sink and spit it out.

I heard Santana giggle and so I stood up, with much less toothpaste in my cheeks, and kept brushing my teeth and kept watching her.

We had already changed into pajamas. And she had wiped all the makeup off her face. Other than looking still beautiful, she looked a little tired. And maybe a little overwhelmed too. But I guess that made sense. The thing in my truck that we had almost done, then having that guy yell at her, then having Quinn yell at her, and then doing that to me in the garage when she had been probably so very nervous about it.

But, then again, I guess she hadn't seemed nervous when she did it. But I'm sure I just hadn't noticed, because the butterflies in my stomach had been about to explode.

The memory made me shift and pinch my legs together again.

I spit the rest of the toothpaste out, rinsed my mouth out, and then set my toothbrush on the sink.

As soon as she spit her toothpaste out and set her toothbrush right by mine I was going to hug her. It was the only thing I could think to do to thank her. So the instant she set her toothbrush on the counter, I walked over to her, slipped my arms over her shoulders, and I hugged her.

"What are you doing?" She mumbled into my neck. But she wrapped her arms around my waist.

"Hugging you." I smiled and then kissed her cheek. "You deserve so much more than a hug, because you're so perfect." And then I pressed my ear into her ear and hugged her even tighter.

She laughed and her body shook against mine. It was the best laugh ever and only further proved how incredibly sweet she was.

"You're so sweet. And I know I've said it before, but you really are. I'm so glad. So, so, so, so glad." I whispered. I knew I didn't have to say what I was glad for, because I was pretty sure she knew exactly what I was glad for. Glad that she didn't want to be only friends.

She didn't say anything, just laughed again. But it wasn't a nervous laugh like she didn't believe me, or she didn't think she deserved the compliment. I knew we were well beyond that wall. She believed me. She believed that I knew she was the sweetest person.

I had a question for her though. Something that had been in the back of my mind all night. And I guessed the best time to ask her would be right when I was so close to her. I squeezed tighter. "Is it okay that Quinn knows?"

Santana's body fell even further into mine. It was better than her freezing up or getting stiff, even if I could hear the sigh she let out.

"Let's get to bed," Santana whispered.

So I let go and stepped back. Her smile was half. Half happy, half defeated. I reached and grabbed her hand. "Even if people know I'll still be what you want. I'll hold your hand in secret for as long as you want. Or if it gets too much then I'll just do whatever you want. You won't lose me, so don't be worried about that."

She rolled her eyes, smiled, and turned her face away to hide the smile that she was trying to keep to herself.

Cutest blush ever.

"Did I make you blush?" I teased and put my free hand on her hand that I was already holding.

"What?" She laughed again, but now it was nervous and completely adorable. She looked back to me and ran her eyes over me before she spoke. "Oh please. No." She shook her head and tried to shake away the flush in her cheeks. And then she smirked and had the smuggest look on her face. "If my cheeks look warm it's because they were in between your legs and it was kind of hot down there."

My face dropped and my eyes shot open. It made the butterflies in my stomach start to twitch again and I swallowed the driest gulp. So I tried to swallow again. I didn't know how to respond. I was completely flustered. And then my face started to get hot.

Her smirk grew into a huge grin. "Come one. Let's sleep." She pulled her hand out of mine and then opened the bathroom door for me.

I walked out first, with her hand on my back. She guided me to her room and then when we were in there she turned on her lamp and I went over and plopped down, stomach first on her bed. It smelled so good. Not exactly like her, but there were traces of her and traces of fabric softener. I moved my arms up, balled up a pile of her comforter, and then buried my face in it.

Now I never wanted to move, because I hadn't really noticed how tired I was until now. Or maybe her bed was just hypnotizing and sucking me in. Which was fine with me.

"You should let me give you a massage." I spoke into the comforter and knew there was no possible way she could have understood me. So I lifted my head to find that the room was dark and she was holding my phone out towards me.

"Your mom's calling." I could see something on her face, even if it was subtle and barely visible because the only light was from my glowing phone.

But why would she be worried about my mom calling. I pushed myself up and crawled across to the other side of the bed to where she was standing. I was about to reach for the phone when she spoke.

"We forgot the wine…" Santana said right as I took the phone from her.

Everything in my body fell. My heart, my stomach, my face. "Shit…" I whispered. I squeezed my phone tightly, leapt off her bed and then carefully made my way to a corner of her room. What was I going to say?

Staring at my phone, standing in the corner of Santana's room, I pushed the talk button and answered. "Hey mom," I whispered so quietly.

My heart was beating so fast. I couldn't believe I had forgotten about that. So stupid. How was I going to fix this? I didn't want her to know about my window. I couldn't explain that. There was no way I could explain anything, because if I did then I'd end up saying something I didn't want to. And I couldn't get my car anyway, because Santana's car was at my house. I clenched the fabric of my shirt and stepped even closer to the corner.

"What?" I asked, because she had said something and I hadn't been paying attention.

"When are you going to be back?" My mom asked. She didn't sound mad. She sounded _different _though, and it definitely made me uncomfortable. But if she wasn't mad, then maybe it would be okay. I just didn't want to say something I shouldn't or something that would lead to me having to explain further.

"We can take my mom's car." I heard Santana's voice from behind me. I glanced over my shoulder to see her shadow sitting on the bed. "If you want."

I didn't want to make Santana drive all the way. That was a long drive. And it was her mom's car. "We don't have to," I whispered and covered the phone with my hand. "It's okay." I smiled so she knew that it really was okay, even if I wasn't sure how I was going to make it okay yet.

I uncovered the phone, turned back to the corner, and talked to my mom. "I forgot it. Can I bring it tomorrow?" I whispered.

I didn't need to be hiding in a corner and talking to my mom. I wasn't even sure why I was doing it. I just wanted to find the right words and focus and I guess I thought the corner of Santana's room was the best spot to do that.

But Santana had good answers for things and I trusted her more than anyone. So I turned from the corner and looked toward her. She was still sitting on the bed and even though it was dark and kind of hard for me to see her I knew she was watching me so closely.

"You need to come home, now." My mom spoke. That tone was back. It wasn't like she was mad…but again it unnerved me. I couldn't figure out what she would be if she weren't mad…

"I'm at Santana's though." I took a few steps closer to Santana, thinking that maybe that would help me stand my ground. But I was kind of thrown. My mom had never ordered me to come home. "Is something wrong?" I asked.

"_Now." _And then my mom hung up.

I slowly pulled my phone from my ear and looked at it just to make sure the call had ended. Should I call her back? Did she still want her wine? Could I bring Santana? I would bring Santana. Of course I would. Well, if she wanted to be brought.

"Is something wrong?" Santana's voice broke my stare. I looked up from my phone and she was standing in front of me. "What'd she want?"

I shrugged and shook my head. "She wants me to come home. But maybe because I forgot the wine. She didn't say anything about the wine though." I felt my entire face scrunch in confusion. I didn't know what to think. "Can you come with me?"

Santana softly laughed. "I need to drive you silly. And of course I can."

We went to her closet and put on sweatshirts and then we snuck downstairs, grabbed her mom's keys, a bottle of wine from the cabinet, and then crept through the kitchen, through the living room, and out the front door. Santana told me that we could just trade and that if I really wanted to I could give her the wine in my truck tomorrow, that way we didn't have to drive to work.

Santana's mom's car was really cool. It was super clean.

The car ride was fun even if the way my mom had said _now _kept replaying through the back of my mind. But It was really late and no cars were on the road, so Santana drove super fast. We laughed and screamed when she took a turn a little too fast when she had almost forgotten to turn. It had been my fault, because I said something about this being the fourth car we had been in today…

It only took us ten minutes to get to my house. Which was crazy fast. Santana was like speed racer and I think she was just trying to show off, but it worked, because I was impressed. I joked and told her that if I was Cinderella that I would want her to be my pumpkin driver so we could make it home in time. Plus I'd also want her to be my pumpkin driver because she could come home with me.

"Is that so?" She laughed and climbed out of the car. We had just parked in front of my house, right behind her car.

"Very so." I said as I shut the door and looked at her over the roof of her mom's car.

"Well what happens when some guy brings you a glass shoe?" She cocked her eyebrow and smirked.

I smiled so big, because of her mood. I liked seeing her so happy and playful. I think it had to do with what we had done earlier. I wondered how happy I would be when I did that to her. Probably too happy to function. "I don't want a glass shoe. I'd much rather have red ruby slippers."

"I can't believe you actually sat through and watched that _entire_ movie with Rachel. More than once." Santana was now looking at me like I had accomplished something incredibly impressive.

"I liked the songs. And so did my mom. And it was the only movie my mom would watch in the living room that we wanted to watch. She really likes Rachel. They always talk. She likes all of my friends." I smiled.

"Well, good. Now let's get this wine to your mom before my _pumpkin _turns into something worse and we can't drive home." She smiled when she said pumpkin.

I rounded the car and grabbed the bottle of wine from her. Santana had said it was a good kind, and I took her word for it, because I didn't know much about wine. Just that it was alcohol.

I pushed the front door open and let Santana walk in first. She stepped in and I leapt inside right behind her.

"I'm here Mom." I chanted and nearly skipped into the living room. She wasn't in the living room though.

"Kitchen." My mom answered.

I spun on my heels to look at Santana, held up a finger as if to tell her _one second, _and then spun back to head into the kitchen. I would just hand my mom the bottle, tell her that Santana said it tasted good, and then leave. And plus our kitchen was super small and if my mom was already out there then three people would be way too many.

My feet tapped the linoleum as soon as I stepped in the kitchen. I peeked around the fridge and saw my mom leaning against the counter and smoking a cigarette through the window. But I could smell it. Minty smoke. It was strong, and even though I'd kind of gotten used to it, it still burned my throat the first few breaths I took.

"Look." I smiled and walked over to set the bottle on the counter. "This one is fancy. It has wax on the top." I pointed to the cork and the neck of the bottle to show her that it had been sealed with purple wax.

My mom grabbed the bottle from my hands and slid it to the back of the counter by the window. She did it kind of quick and didn't even look at me.

I shifted my eyes around the kitchen, thinking maybe an explanation for her sudden reaction would be written on the counter.

But all I saw was my sister's diary lying open by the stove. She always left it around. At least I was sneaky about my journaling. I kept mine under my bed between the mattress and the actual bed. Nobody would ever find it there. Or sometimes I hid it in my closet on the hanger with my coat.

"Yeah, I read it." My mom snapped, scoffed, and then took another puff of her cigarette. "Hypocritical _bitch…" _My mom whispered the last part and I was glad she did, because I didn't want Santana hearing or thinking my mom meant to call Hailey that.

I reached for Hailey's diary. Her handwriting was so perfect. It made my diary look like it had been written by a child. But I figured since nobody read my diary there was no need to make it perfect.

_My mom is an alcoholic. _

I went stiff and snapped my eyes up to my mom. She was still looking out the window and smoking.

Wait…what the hell did Hailey write?

I looked back down at the diary, but I couldn't read.

How stupid was I? How pathetic was I? Did I not even realize wine got people drunk…I knew it did. I felt like someone had slapped me so hard with something so obvious. It stripped my mind and took every thought. I felt my throat tighten and become so dry. What kind of daughter doesn't notice something like that about their own mother? Maybe I wasn't as strongly opinionated as Hailey's diary, but I mean, why else would my mom drink wine so often?

Finally I was able to read the words again.

_My mom is an alcoholic. She can't go a night without smoking and she goes through bottles of wine each night. She doesn't make dinner for us. She just sits, smokes, whines at us, cries and watches TV. I am so lost. I have no more strength. I need someone to help fix my parents. I am so unhappy all the time. _

I read it again, and again, and again. Why didn't Hailey tell me this? I could have made her happy. Or I could have tried.

This felt weird. Almost out of place. Kind of like I had stepped into a dream and couldn't quite remember how to think or what to think or why I had thought certain things.

I could feel my frustration starting to make my hands shake. Actually, I could see my hands starting to shake. So I set the diary back on the counter and made sure I closed it.

I clenched my jaw. And I felt tears start to burn the sides of my eyes. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm such an idiot. Even Santana had noticed something before. How could I not see this? I couldn't see anything. That was probably why Hailey didn't tell me anything. She probably thought I was an idiot and it would be pointless to tell something to an idiot.

"You're just going to leave it there?" My mom whispered again. And then her voice rose just a little bit, "you're not going to take it back to your room?"

"Why would I do that?" I sounded so small and it was because all my thoughts right now were so huge and starting to overpower absolutely everything else.

"Don't play stupid Brittany." My mom hissed and then spun to face me. "I hate when you play stupid."

"I'm not playing stupid." I mumbled.

"And speak Brittany. Use your fucking words. You learned to speak properly." I gulped and shot my attention back to the living room.

Santana was standing there with a horrified expression on her face.

But I shook my head at her so quickly and subtly, because it almost looked like she was going to say something. But that would make it worse. My mom didn't know she was here and that was for the best. If there was a way to hint at Santana for her to leave, then I would do it. But I couldn't.

I was lucky enough that my mom didn't notice me glance to the living room. She had gone back to her cigarette. I watched her smoke for a second and I held my breath.

"I read your journal." My mom admitted. She seemed to look like she had calmed down a bit and she was back to staring out the window.

"You did?" I raised an eyebrow. She read both of our journals?

My mom let out an annoyed sigh.

So many possibilities ran through my head. What had she read? What had she read? What could she have read that would make her so upset and make her want me to come home? I hadn't really written much in it. Just silly little things. It was more for notes and doodles.

I had written something about Santana.

I closed my eyes slowly and kept them shut. That was it. And that was when it felt like something horrible dug into my chest. _Oh my God. _

But what had I written? It was before my mom had kicked me out. I had written about dinner at her place with her family. And I had written about the butterflies I had gotten in my tummy when I had kissed Santana's neck and we listened to _Gravity_. And I forced myself to stop thinking because I was terrified that I had written about the time in my bed when she had helped me _work. _

"Santana's really sweet." I said it and really hadn't meant to say it. I was thinking it and I had told so many people today about how sweet Santana was, including Santana herself, that it was something that kind of just came out naturally.

My mom cocked her head to me and looked at me like I had said the weirdest thing in the entire world. _She had read it. _

I felt my face start to burn so hot that it was making me really really really uncomfortable. It wasn't a blush. Nothing like a blush. It was a humiliated and horrified and confused feeling and it was making me sick. I didn't want my mom to think anything bad about Santana. Ever.

"She really i-is, really sweet…" I shook as I spoke and my words were disconnected and hard to say. "And I do like her a lot. And it's kind of hard to explain right now, but you will like her."

I wasn't going to look at Santana. I wouldn't know what to do if I did. Because if I did look at her, I would freeze up and then I would become even more confused and flustered and I would lose the ability to talk, even if the way I was talking right now was clumsy and awkward.

My mom was still giving me the weirdest look. I couldn't read it or read her. It felt like she was looking straight through me though and like she was almost forcing me to continue. I knew she wasn't going to talk until I said something more.

So I gulped yet another impossibly dry breath down my throat. "U-uh. I, uh. She's. She's nicer than the boys…"

"_Oh my God…" _I heard Santana whisper from the living room.

I glanced over at her and her eyes were wide and terrified and she looked whiter than a ghost. Like everything drained from her and she was going to pass out.

I looked back at my mom and now she looked angry. So angry that she wasn't even angry, she was disgusted.

I stepped back and bumped into the dining table. "Ouch." I mumbled even though it didn't really hurt.

I needed space. Or, I think my mom needed space. One of us needed space, and it was usually her, because I knew I had said something I shouldn't have.

My mom kept looking straight through me and it was starting to make me feel see-through and like I wasn't even there.

"Nobody like that is sweet." My mom hissed the last word. "That girl should know better. How much older is she than you?"

"She's my age." I mumbled again, and then repeated myself so my mom didn't say something again about my mumbling. "My age. And she is sweet. I like her a lot."

"As a friend, right?" My mom was talking down to me. I could see it. So obvious. I had only caught her doing it a couple of times in the past, and every time she did it, I noticed right away.

"No." I regretted saying it so quickly and I wanted to take it back. Maybe if I could take it back for just a second…

"How dare you…" My mom picked up the diary, marched over to me, and pushed it into my chest. "How dare you write these things, and then come in here and say something like that. I raised you better than that Brittany. What? It wasn't horrible enough for you to accuse me of that," she pointed at the diary in my chest, "but now you put something like that over my conscience." And then she started whispering to herself and turned back to walk to the window.

Someone grabbed my wrist. It scared me and made my body jump inside of my skin. I looked to see Santana studying me. She nodded toward the front door of my house. "Come on."

My mom whipped around. She had heard.

Santana tightened her grip on my wrist.

"She's here?" My mom's voice rose even higher. "Why didn't you tell me she was here? You let me think it was just you." My mom slammed her cigarette a few times and put it out in the ashtray. "Please tell me you're not as stupid? Please tell me my daughter has some silly crush and she's confused." My mom was laughing and now looking straight through Santana. I didn't like the laugh. It was like she was now laughing down at me. It felt distant and made that sick feeling in my stomach grow even heavier. "You've got to be a smart girl, right?" My mom kept her eyes on Santana and refused to even look at me.

"U-uhm." Santana was stuttering and fumbling now and she was still pale as a ghost.

"She's not stupid Mom." I interrupted.

"You are a guest in my house Brittany. You will respect me. And you will not talk to me like that." My mom didn't yell at me and she still didn't look at me, but she was just as strong and powerful with the way she said it.

"Sorry." I mouthed.

"Come on." Santana pulled my wrist again and stepped toward the living room.

So I went with Santana. More than anything I wanted to get out of there. My face felt way too hot, my body was shaking, and I didn't know what to say anymore. All I knew was that the longer we stood there and the longer I tried to explain things to my mom the worse it was going to get.

So I took my sister's diary and I let Santana start to lead me out of the house. Each step as we got closer to the front door I could feel the tension build. Tightening and tightening and tightening. It felt like my mom was going to snap. She was going to say something, kick me out again, make me take my stuff, or force me to explain myself.

But she never did. And that tension in the room got so thick that when we reached the front door and walked out of the house I didn't remember walking to Santana's car. But Santana opened the driver door for me and made me sit down in the seat.

"Hey, can you drive my car? You just have to drive to the nearest store. Just so it's not parked out front. Can you do that? If not it's okay Britt." It felt like she was talking really fast.

I didn't answer right away. Instead I looked inside the car. Yeah, I could drive. Of course I could drive. I nodded and took the keys from her. She waited until I buckled, and shut my door before she ran to her mom's car and got in.

I followed her to the nearest store. It really was only a few minutes away. The entire car ride I couldn't stop shaking and had to squeeze the wheel so my knuckles were turning white. I had wanted to leave when we were there, but now I wanted to go back. Maybe I could let my mom talk and try to figure out what was the right thing to say. Maybe I shouldn't have left. She had wanted me to come home…

That sick feeling in my stomach wasn't going away. It was getting worse. Not a sick feeling that was going to make me puke, but one that felt like it was digging and digging and stealing everything from inside of me. God it was awful. And maybe it _was _going to start making me feel nauseous.

By the time I parked her car. I couldn't take it anymore. Squeezing the steering wheel, holding my breath, and clenching my teeth together didn't help. All of the frustration and confusion just exploded and I started to cry again. I pressed my forehead into the steering wheel and slammed my eyes shut. But it didn't stop my body from breaking and heaving and shaking with my muted cries.

"I, don't, even, know, why…" I gurgled out and was talking to myself. It hurt to talk so I stopped and I just let myself cry.

I heard a tap at the window. I knew it was Santana wanting me to open the door. And I was kind of grateful that it was locked. It was stupid, but I figured that maybe if the door was shut and she was on the other side, then she wouldn't see me crying. Maybe I could stop and then maybe she wouldn't have to deal with me being upset and deal with everything else that had happened today.

So I just cried. And I listened to her pleading with me to open the door. She kept tapping. And now she was begging me to open it.

It was hurting too much. This wasn't the good type of crying that was going to make me feel better. This hurt way more than all the other times I had cried.

After goodness knows how long, I gave in. I didn't want her to stand outside anymore and I felt bad for making her do it. So I pulled my hand from the steering wheel and fumbled with the switches on the door until I pushed one that made the door unlock.

Santana flung it open right away.

She didn't say anything. She just crawled in, sat on my lap, and wrapped her arms around my neck. I buried my face in her chest and she just squeezed me tighter every few minutes or after every time a different sound cry would crack through my chest.

"S-sor," I started to say, but couldn't finish until I was able to catch my breath. "Sorry." I apologized. I felt so awful.

Never did I ever want Santana to see my mom say something like that, especially after what had happened earlier with that Karofsky guy.

"I shouldn't have said something." I spoke into her tear stained sweatshirt. "I didn't know what she was talking," I hiccupped and coughed. "I didn't know what she was talking about."

Santana tried to hush me.

So I stopped trying to explain myself and waited until I was able to at least talk somewhat normally.

It didn't take too much longer for me to catch my breath. And I was about to apologize for crying, but I wasn't really sorry about crying, especially after the way she had cried in front of me the other night. When she cried in front of me that night that the plan hadn't worked it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Her letting me see her cry was something I didn't think she had ever shown someone and I would never want her to take that back.

So no. I wouldn't apologize for crying, because if she even got half out of me crying, as what I got out of her crying, then that was something I wanted to give her.

But I was sorry for what had happened and how clueless I had been. "She thought Hailey's diary was mine," I took a heavy and shaky breath, but sobs didn't follow, just more unsteady breaths. "She thought it was mine, but I didn't know she thought that so I thought she had read my real diary. And I wrote," another shaky breath. "I wrote about you in it. And I was so confused. I'm sorry Santana. I didn't mean to tell her. I shouldn't have told her like that. She was upset and hurt and that's why she said that stuff. You," another shaky breath. "You are sweet. Believe me. And you're not stupid. I am. I didn't even know my mom drank alcohol." And I had to take a few more shaky breaths.

I knew that saying _I didn't even know my mom drank alcohol, _was a bit too simple for what I hadn't known, but I couldn't think right now and that's what had come out. It's hard to explain how dumb you feel when something's right in front of your face and you aren't even able to see it.

Santana sat back and unwrapped her arms from around me. So I leaned back against the driver seat and looked at her. She was smiling with her lips. Nothing too big. And it wasn't a sad smile. She was looking at me like she had made the best decision in the world when she decided to take back just wanting to be friends and then taken me into her garage.

She rubbed her thumb under my eyes and wiped away the tears that were covering my cheeks. "This is what happens when your pumpkin driver doesn't get you back by midnight." She smiled.

I snorted through my tears and laughed.

"Your mom's upset now." Santana let her smile fall, but she kept focused on wiping the tears from my face. "She'll think about it. And then you can talk to her again sometime, if you want." She smiled again and I think it was to try and make me smile. When it didn't work and I didn't smile, she said something that she knew would change that. "And this is what happens when Cinderella falls for the pumpkin driver and not the prince."

I laughed again, and swallowed the rest of my tears. "Okay." And then I moved my hands up to my cheeks and tried to dry them with my palms. "You always make me feel better." I said it because it was the truth.

"Likewise." She nodded.

I wiped at my eyes with my palms now. "You won't listen to what she said right?" I yawned and it kind of startled me, but then again crying is exhausting and I had been crying pretty hard. I finished yawning. "She was mad at what my sister's diary said and she thought I wrote it. She didn't mean anything about you."

"What'd her diary say?" Santana asked.

"Something about my mom's drinking." I wasn't going to say _that _word my sister had used. It still felt too harsh and exaggerated. My mom didn't go out and drink and she really never got crazy drunk. So I understood why my mom was a little hurt and sensitive.

"How about, I won't believe what she says, if you don't." Santana hummed and grabbed my hand, because I was starting to rub my eyes dry.

"I don't believe what she said about you." I sniffled and used my other hand to wipe under my nose.

"No about you…You are not stupid and you speak just fine." Santana squeezed my hand.

And then she let go and grabbed my face with both of her hands so that her thumbs grazed over my cheekbones. She pulled me to her lips and kissed me. Nothing too complicated and nothing to hard. Just a soft, gentle, kiss that completely and entirely proved that she was the sweetest person ever to exist.

She held the kiss and it only stung a little. I had forgotten about my lip until now. But I was completely fine with her reminding me about it.

And when she eventually leaned back, I was half-dazed, with a dorky smile plastered on my face. I think that was our first _just-because _kiss. I wanted her to kiss me again and forever…just because.

"I'm okay now." I smiled even bigger.

She pulled her hands from my face, scooted off of my lap, and got out of the car. "Let's take my mom's car."

"You don't want to take your car too? I can drive." But I climbed out of her car anyway and stood up next to her. But I leaned back in and grabbed Hailey's diary from the passenger seat and took out the keys from the ignition.

She took her keys and locked her car. "Nah. I'll have my aunt and mom get it tomorrow morning before they come back from shopping. That way they can get the oil changed and have it washed." She shrugged. "We'll go back to my room and you can fall asleep on me." She looked over at me, reached for my hand, and linked her pinkie through mine.

**xxxxx**

**Thanks Stephanie :) **


	24. Quinn's Flower

**a/n : thank you everyone :) especially my beta! :) I hope you enjoy this chapter. Let me know what you think.**

**Chapter 24 : Quinn's Flower**

Santana had given me a yogurt before we had fallen asleep even though I told her that it was okay and that I wasn't hungry right now because I was sleepy. At first she was trying to make me an entire meal, which was insane, because it was so late and I didn't want her mom to wake up. So I told her I really wasn't hungry and then she forced me to take a yogurt and spoon up to her bed.

So we got ready for bed and I opened the yogurt, but fell asleep when I was only halfway through it.

Now I was trying to clean up the little yogurt stain on her sheet before she woke up.

I stuck my tongue out and licked it. But it was warm, and almost liquid and made me gag.

Santana woke up.

I froze and pulled my tongue back in my mouth.

"What are you doing?" Her voice cracked and she yawned.

I waited for her to stop yawning and rubbing her eyes before I answered. But I didn't really answer, I just shrugged.

"What is that?" She scooted closer to me.

I pulled the sheet into my chest.

"Brittany?" She giggled and it was cute how she looked so tired and was smiling at the same time. Like a puppy just waking up. But she was cuter than a puppy. Way cuter. As much as I would want to wake up snuggled next to a puppy, I would always rather wake up snuggled next to her. She was the sweetest, warmest, most beautiful thing in the entire world.

I smiled and hugged the sheet tighter to my face.

"What?" She started to get flushed. "I wasn't talking in my sleep was I, because if I was then you have absolutely no room to comment…"

I shook my head no and it seemed to drain that flush from her and return her regular color to her cheeks.

Flushed meant she was nervous, but in a good way. Maybe not nervous. More like she knew she had been caught and was being shy. I loved when that happened. It had just happened and it happened sometimes when I would catch her looking at me at work.

There was something so amazing about seeing someone so strong and guarded as Santana blush. It was like catching a tulip opening up in the morning.

Everybody has seen a flower during the day when it was open and pretty and blossoming. Santana was gorgeous, just like a red tulip. And I say red tulip because her lips were red right now and whenever I thought about tulips I thought about that joke that said something about _having tulips for you _and then someone kissing.

People have seen how gorgeous and stunning she was. It was obvious, just like it was obvious that a flower in the daytime was pretty. Santana was exactly like a flower. Pretty and she made me feel so good. That was why people gave flowers, to make other people feel better. To remind them that they were pretty and thought about, and even if a certain situation wasn't pretty, that something small and thoughtful was pretty. Like a flower.

And everyone got to see a closed flower, and sometimes that was how Santana was. A lot of the time that was how she was.

But I got to see her opening and that was the best thing in the entire world.

"What are you thinking about?" She shifted a little closer to me.

The smile on my face grew from ear to ear. "Flowers." I mumbled and stuffed the sheets up to my face.

"And what about flowers?" She matched my smile. Smiles were contagious. And now my smile grew even bigger, which I didn't think was possible. "Dirty things?"

Santana moved her hands toward me, quickly and pinched at my stomach.

I let out a shriek and curled into myself.

She pulled her hands back.

I kept curled until I stopped laughing and was positive she wasn't going to tickle me again. When I looked back up at her, she was just as close as she had been before. A few inches away from my face and her cheek pressed and sunk into her pillow.

"Not dirty things." I settled back on my pillow and my eyes went back to her lips. "Just something about lips." I scrunched up my face and shook my head. "I mean, tulips."

"So you were so thinking something dirty Britt." Santana teased again and I watched her lips pull just one corner of her mouth up.

I shook my head no. "Nope. You were." Now I smirked as I teased her. "I was thinking about how pretty you were and how lucky I was." I narrowed my eyes wishing I could have said exactly what I had been thinking seconds before, because I wanted her to know just how lucky I was and it had sounded perfect in my head. "Especially when you bloom. No. When you open up."

Santana cocked her head against the pillow, narrowed one of her eyes, and was now smirking even more than she had been doing earlier. "That sounds kind of dirty."

I tried to match her smirk, but I was only able to make it halfway before I felt my cheeks getting hot. "I wish I could explain myself better." And I pulled my eyes away from hers hoping that doing that would help my face cool off a bit and help me figure out how to say what I wanted to say.

"Well try." I saw Santana shrug from the corner of my eye. "I'll lie here with you as long as you want."

"Okay." I looked back at her. I tried to remember what I had been thinking. Something about…flowers and how Santana was a flower. And then I decided just to talk instead of think and hope that maybe I would say something similar to what I had been thinking earlier. "I was thinking about how flowers open and close. And how nobody ever gets to see a flower when it's opening, and I guess when it's closing for that matter, because people only think about either open flowers or closed flowers. Nobody is really able to see the stuff in between. Like sometimes how a flower only opens up halfway, because it's not bright enough outside, but it opens up anyway because it knows it has to and it knows people want to see how pretty it is. And it doesn't want to be ignored or thrown away for not working. So it opens as best as it can." Her smile was so small and so big. And it was all in her eyes. I felt like she saw absolutely everything I was saying and wasn't saying. "Sometimes I think that's how you are with me." I studied her reaction. It had completely changed. Her smile faded and now she was studying me. But I continued. "You're the strongest person in the entire world and I still don't understand how I am so lucky to be around you."

Her smile came back. Sweeter than the one before. "You know you're probably the only one who actually sees flowers open and close." Her eyes flickered across my face and then back to my eyes. "You also know that it's not hard for me to be around you or do anything around you. It's actually incredibly addicting in the best possible way. And could you be any cuter. You really do need to stop saying these adorably-meaningful things though." She softly laughed.

"You're the one who called me Cinderella."

She huffed out a laugh and rolled her eyes. "Maybe…" She looked back at me. "So, what were you doing earlier with my sheets?"

I clenched the sheets back to my chest. I had almost forgotten about my spilled yogurt. "It was an accident." And I tucked my lips into my mouth.

Her forehead scrunched up. "What?"

I slowly moved the sheet away from my chest and showed her the stain. "It spilled. I fell asleep. I'm sorry. I can wash it out."

Santana pinched her lips to one side and scrunched her nose. "I'll just toss it in the wash."

"Sorry again." I said.

She shrugged. I didn't think she really cared. Which was good. Rachel always got super mad at me when I spilled things on her stuff. When I had put nail polish in her purse without putting the lid on all the way she yelled at me for five minutes straight and told me that I couldn't borrow her nail polish again until I learned how to put things away properly.

"You'll have to find a way to make it up to me." She winked. And then she rolled and reached for her phone that was on the nightstand. She rolled back, laid on her back and held her phone over her face. "We have to work soon." She groaned. "Did you want to shower first?" And then she set her phone back on her nightstand.

I scooted closer to her so my chest pressed against her shoulder. "I can kiss your flower lips."

Her eyes shot open and I swear I heard her gulp. Her eyes shot over to me, but she didn't turn her head. "Right now?" She whispered.

"Well sure. Just a little one. And then I'll shower." I nodded.

She swallowed again. "Just one? Right now?" She shifted and now looked at me. "Really, right now?"

I shrugged. "It's just a kiss silly." And I leaned down and pecked her lips. Her lips were tense when I touched them, but instantly softened and wrapped around mine. And at first, it bit a little and reminded me that my lip was still hurt, but when her lips softened I completely forgot about the pain.

She wrapped her hand around the back of my neck and ran her fingers up through my hair.

The kiss didn't change. She kept her lips around mine and her fingers tangled through my hair. "That's not the lips I thought you were talking about." She spoke against my mouth, smiled, and then swallowed my bottom lip with hers. Again it stung at first, but seconds later I was humming with an entirely different feeling.

So I hummed and the noise that crept up my throat was somewhere between shocked and turned on. "I can if you want?" I moved my lips against hers as I whispered and it felt like I was floating. Like her lips were so soft and so gentle that they were going to just fly away and I was going to fly away with them.

She laughed and pulled me with her hand harder into her lips.

So I scooted to her, swung one leg over her waist and straddled her stomach. I laughed too. And then I quickened the kiss because sitting on her like this was bringing those feelings back that I had gotten last night. The way I had tightened and moaned when she had ran her tongue between my legs. And the feeling that had felt exactly like she had shoved her fingers inside of me and was curling them and twisting that pressure, even though that wasn't what had been happening and she had just had her tongue touching me then. It felt like that now. Twisting. Knotting. Turning.

She pulled me even harder into her and I gasped for a small breath in between our broken kiss. It was getting harder now. Not kissing her. That was easy. But the way we were kissing was getting hard and rough and desperate. And that feeling inside me was getting bigger and harder and it felt like those butterflies inside of me were melting and coming out. My underwear was getting wet.

I kept my lips against hers and I squirmed and moved my hands down her body until I hooked my thumbs under the band of her shorts.

Her tongue shoved into my mouth. Hard. And it dragged across my tongue and froze my breathing. She rubbed her tongue back and out of my mouth and then pushed it back in and it felt like she was tasting and swallowing every inch of me.

Part of me thought she was using her tongue so much, because I kept flinching when she sucked my lip. Another part of me thought she had started using her tongue like this because of where my hands were and how close they were to pulling her shorts down.

And then she flipped us. Fast. Hard.

It was so hot. The way her eyes looked so big and so hooded at the same time. The way her hair hung down and was now tickling my neck. The way she smashed her lips back into mine like she needed to kiss me more than she had ever needed anything in the entire world.

She pulled her lips away mid kiss and dipped them to my neck. Naturally I tilted my head up for her and looked at her headboard as her tongue danced across my skin and her lips swallowed the little nerves that were screaming after she had warmed them up.

"Fuck." The words slipped from my lips. And it was because of what she was doing and how she was doing it. I didn't think I had ever seen something so hot. Or maybe it was because I was still a little _hungover _and sensitive from what had happened in the back of that old car and how she had had her face shoved between my thighs.

Santana purred a laugh into my neck and the noise only shook and heightened my feelings even more.

I spread my legs and wrapped them around her waist so that my ankles locked behind her back. And then I pulled her down into me, because I needed something touching me down there and she seemed like the best thing to be touching me.

Her body fell pressed into me. Those butterflies slipped out again. One by one and my body shook with them and I was so glad her lips weren't kissing mine anymore, because I wouldn't be able to kiss back right now.

I wanted her to do it again. Kiss me down there. But I also wanted to do it to her. I wanted to sit up on my knees and pull her legs over my shoulders and shove my tongue as far as I could inside of her. I wanted to hear and see what her body would do and how it would squirm.

_Knock, Knock, Knock._

Both of us froze. Her lips froze at my neck, and my legs loosed around her back.

"Santana. Breakfast is ready. Is Brittany here with you too? I made extra anyways. So come eat."

We both scurried apart and I jumped off the bed.

My heart was in my throat and I was breathing so heavy. Had I been breathing this heavy seconds ago? Probably. I flattened out my shirt and pulled my shorts out from sticking between my legs.

I looked back at Santana. Her eyes looked huge and wild. She didn't really look _scared. _Nothing like what she had looked like when her dad had been at the door. I mean, I guess she looked a little startled and like she didn't want anyone to see or find out…but it was different. Probably because she was so close with her mom. I wondered if she would tell her mom.

Maybe she would eventually…

Maybe her mom would be okay with it. Maybe a little thrown and confused and unsure at first…But I think her mom would be okay with it.

And that thought alone helped me when I didn't even think I needed help with this or with us. It made me smile and I know I looked kind of weird smiling right now, when Santana still look shocked and flustered, but I couldn't help it. Maybe I was smiling because knowing that Santana had someone like her mom was amazing, or maybe I was smiling, because maybe someday my mom would be okay with it.

My smile died. Just it fell from my face. I hadn't forgotten about last night, but I guess I just hadn't had time to think about it since I had woken up. Santana made me forget things sometimes, and then other times she made me really see things.

This was one of those times where she was doing both at once.

"What's wrong?" Santana spoke from across the bed.

I shrugged. Nothing was wrong I guess. I was just remembering and replaying last night. "Moms are confusing." I mumbled without any intentions of actually saying it out loud.

She matched my pout and crawled across the bed to me. When she reached me she grabbed for my hand and stood up off the bed. The closer she got the more her pout turned into one of those looks that I couldn't quite figure out yet. It was the same look she had given me when she had caught me trying to clean the bathroom at my house.

She stood up off the bed, her hand still holding mine, and started to walk me to her door. "I know Sweetie."

My entire body turned so hot when she said _Sweetie. _

Every single thought about my mom disappeared. And now I was smiling again and I felt like a flower that was opening up.

Santana opened her door and then put the hand that was holding my hand, on the middle of my back. We walked downstairs and Marcus was there sitting at the kitchen table. The second he saw me his eyes bugged, but then he leapt from his chair and nearly sprinted to me. I thought he was going to hug me, but he didn't. He just stopped, lightly bumped into my leg and stood by me, while Santana went and talked with her mom and her aunt.

I recognized her aunt, because she had been at the dinner a few nights ago. Her aunt teased Santana about her hair being wild and crazy, I blushed a little, because I knew why, and Santana rolled her eyes and slapped at her aunt's hand when she tried to reach and brush out the tangles.

Her aunt said hi to me. She was really nice. She asked me about work and kept asking me to tell work stories about Santana. So I told the one where she sang _You and I. _Santana glared at me, but winked while doing it, so I was pretty sure she wasn't really mad.

After we ate breakfast, I ran up to take a shower and Santana said she would clean up my dishes so we weren't late.

I locked the door, worried that Marcus might walk in…Turned on the water so it was steamy hot and then stripped off my clothes. I was going to take the quickest shower ever, because I didn't want us to be late.

When I stepped in the shower the water felt so good. And for a second I forgot that I was supposed to be going quick. It was like hot rain. That would be the only way to describe it. Hot rain. I imagined standing outside in hot rain and spreading my arms and how wonderful that would feel.

I stepped back and looked for the shampoo. Santana had a pink bottle. But it wasn't there. I scanned every little corner of the shower at least three times before I decided that it really wasn't there.

And then I slid the glass shower door open and poked my head out. The bathroom was steamy and foggy. But I knew there wasn't shampoo out here. So I reached for a fuzzy white towel, stepped out of the shower, and wrapped it around myself.

I would be quick. I would run to Santana's room, see if she was in there, and then ask her about the shampoo. Besides, she had told me to let her know if I needed anything before I had run up to shower. And I needed shampoo.

So I crept across the floor, taking note to wipe up the water footprints after my shower. I cracked open the door and poked my head out. The hallway was empty and a lot colder than the bathroom.

As quickly as I could I pattered down the hall and burst into Santana's room. Even I couldn't hear my footsteps. But I definitely heard the door swing open and me leap in.

I didn't spot Santana right away. But she was on her bed. Or had been lying on her bed. She had jumped up so quickly. Like someone had shocked her.

I was still for a second, mostly trying to make sure she knew it was just me busting into her room like a crazy person. I guess I probably should have knocked. What if she had been changing? But I wanted to be in the hallway for the least amount of time as possible. And the water was still on so I didn't want to waste it.

Santana wasn't budging. Wasn't breathing. She had her lips tucked into her mouth and looked like she would never be able to blink again.

I shifted my eyes around the room, afraid I had missed something.

"W-," Santana cleared her throat. "What are you doing?" She turned around and started to adjust her sheets. There was a spot in the shape of her body where it looked like she had been lying down. She cleared her throat again.

"I need shampoo." I tried to figure out why she wasn't looking at me. I knew it wasn't because I was naked under a towel…because well…I'm pretty sure if she kissed me like she had been doing this morning, and she _kissed _me like she had last night…then wearing a towel in front of her would be a good thing. Not something that made her nervous.

Santana turned around and looked at me, hands behind her back.

I lifted my eyebrow even further.

"Uh, it's," she cleared her throat and didn't look me in the eye, "…cabinet." She pointed at the door. "I'll show you." That's when I noticed how hot her face looked. How flushed her cheeks were. This flushed looked more red though.

But she led me back to the bathroom, showed me where the shampoo was and then held it for me as I stepped back in the shower. I kept my towel wrapped around me until I stepped in. I still was pretty sure that wasn't the reasoning for her acting all funky right now.

But when she held the shampoo out for me, I smirked. Of course I wasn't going to pass up this opportunity. I grabbed the shampoo with one hand, leaned out towards her, gave her a peck on the lips, and handed her the towel before she could realize what was going on.

When I pulled back she still looked a little lost. But I didn't shut the shower door until the tiniest smile crept across her lips. Even if it was shy, masked by her burning face, and almost unnoticeable.

**xxxXXXXXXxxxx**

"Hey…" I heard someone's voice. I knew who it was. Rachel. But I wasn't going to open my eyes. We had only an hour left before we opened and I was sleepy. "Brittany. Are you sleeping."

"Yes." I mumbled.

She didn't say anything for a little.

And then her hand touched my shoulder.

"You really shouldn't be sleeping at work. You could get in trouble. The girls are folding napkins. I know you're not really that helpful with that, but you should come join us instead of lying here like a lump. Mercedes, Tina, and I. I have no clue where Quinn is. And Santana is doing her usual amount of not being helpful with anything." She patted my back. "Or maybe you should go home. You don't want to get the rest of us sick if you are."

I didn't respond. I was so tired. And I was hungry again. I had eaten pancakes only an hour ago, but I was still so hungry. And I had wanted to ask for more, but I didn't want to make Santana's mom cook more and I didn't want us to be late for work.

"Brittany. If you really aren't feeling well you should go home. I'll drive you." She sighed and started to rub my back. "I know last night was hard." She was quiet again for a second, but it felt like years. I was waiting for it. I knew it was coming. I knew she knew something was up. "Here sit up." She patted my thigh.

I sat my head up from the bar. Rachel took a seat on a stool next to me, but when she looked at me her face twitched. "Goodness, you look awful." She leaned in. "How's your lip? It looks swollen."

I reached up and lightly touched my lip. It was still a little tender. Maybe a hardcore make out session with Santana wasn't the best idea. No. It was the best idea and I kind of wished I could do it again. I looked around for her, but she was probably in back stocking stuff or unloading boxes. She had been behind the bar a few minutes ago and made me a lime soda.

I looked to my left and saw the lime soda. Untouched. With mint and an orange slice hanging onto the side.

I felt Rachel's eyes on me. She was looking for something, even though I'm pretty sure she had already made up her mind about _something_ and was just looking for a way to say it. Which was unusual. When it came to mine and Rachel's friendship, she wasn't careful with what she said. That's what I liked about her. She said what she wanted.

"I'm surprised you didn't tell me sooner." Rachel spoke as casually as she could. And…she actually was speaking casually. Which confused me even more.

I had been wrong about quite a few things in the past twenty-four hours. About what people intended, about what I thought, about what other people were thinking. So maybe I was wrong in thinking that Rachel knew something about me and Santana. But she _had _to know. She wasn't dumb.

"Now I'm going to have to rethink entirely that playlist I made for you. I mean, all the new emotions and feelings and possibilities, considering who is on the receiving end of this song. Can you imagine the depth and emotion on which you can draw? It's extraordinary actually. And perfect in some regards, because your singing voice isn't as strong, so you do need some emotion and reasoning to give you that depth." She nodded. "A Sapphic relationship is perfect. Romantic in some senses considering who it's between."

I felt my entire face twist in confusion. She had lost me.

She noticed my confusion and then it looked like she rewound herself. "I'm surprised you didn't tell me sooner," she repeated herself, "about Santana. Because of my dads, of course I would understand. I grew up in a family where love was just love."

Now I narrowed my eyes. And then I started to panic. I didn't know if this was okay. I still wasn't sure if Santana was okay with Quinn knowing. But Rachel? I was completely sure that Santana wouldn't want Rachel knowing. "You can't say anything." I whispered. "You can't. It's confusing and I don't know what's happening, and I like her a lot, but it's weird cause we're girls and I'm not saying your dads are weird, because they're not. I love your dads. They're really nice. But Santana's really nice too. And Santana-"

Rachel held up her hand to cut me off. "Brittany it's fine." And then she leaned a little closer. "I'm sure that Santana knows that I might know, especially after last night. You guys in your truck, Karofsky freaking out, that horribly awkward car ride. I mean, she's not _that _clueless."

I looked around for Santana, hoping to find her, but just settled on sliding the lime soda she had made me closer to my lips. I bit the straw.

"Look." Rachel put her hand on my knee. "If you need a ride home just let me know. Anytime during the day. I'll drive you."

"I don't want to go home." I sucked up some of the soda to stop myself from saying anything more.

Rachel nodded and pursed her lips. She patted my leg once more, hopped off her stool and then went back to the main floor where the other girls were. I watched her scoot into the booth and interrupt a conversation between Tina and Mercedes.

I took a shallow breath, sucked up more of the soda, but then let it fall back down the straw. I did this for a while. Sucked the soda, then let it fall. And then I figured I should probably find Santana.

So I hopped off the stool, took my soda, and went to the back.

When I didn't see her right away, the first place I checked was the employee bathroom. I pushed the door open and let it creak closed behind me.

Someone was in here. They were crying. My heart sunk.

"Hello?" I called into the bathroom. My voice echoed off the walls.

I listened as whoever it was tried to stop crying. I even heard them try to hold their breath.

I knew who it was. But that was only because I knew it wasn't Santana.

I hadn't heard Quinn cry. I had felt her cry and felt her silent sobs, but hadn't heard her. "Quinn?" I stepped toward the only closed stall. "It's Brittany. Can I come in?" I reached the stall and put my hand on it. It wasn't locked, so I didn't pull.

She didn't answer.

"Can I come in?" I asked again.

When she didn't answer. I slowly started to pull open the door. And when she didn't stop me from opening it, I stepped in and let it close behind me. She was in a small stall so it was a tight squeeze, but when the door shut behind me I was standing inches in front of her and she was sitting on the toilet.

"Are you peeing?" I asked and noticed her pants and underwear were down to her ankles.

She shook her head and wouldn't lift it from her hands.

Everything felt so thick. Almost sickening. It turned my stomach and I didn't even know what was going on. Something was wrong.

With each second that passed, and each sob that she tried to hold in, my heart broke even further. I had thought it before with Santana, and I thought the same thing with Quinn. Pretty people should never cry and didn't deserve to cry. Nobody deserved to cry. But Quinn and Santana were different. Pretty on the inside…It was hard to describe their pretty. I didn't even think they knew it, but what the things they showed people and how they really were was so incredibly beautiful. Especially since everyone around them made it hard for them to open up.

I sat on my knees, and looked up at her. Her elbows were on her thighs. Her knees were pinched together. Her face was buried in her hands. And her body shook and cracked.

She was broken. Entirely broken.

"Quinn," I put my hand on her knee. "Quinn what's wrong?" I scooted closer and my voice cracked because it was so painful to watch her like this. "Can I put my head on your lap?" I asked her, but didn't wait for her response. I did it anyway. I laid my ear on her knees.

I was so glad I did that, because she brought her face down and started crying into the back of my shoulder. I let her do it. I would let her do it as long as she wanted.

Her body shook, her tears fell down the back of my neck and I listened to my pulse throb in my ear as the broken and horrible noises that cracked through her echoed in the bathroom. It was making me so sick. Not nauseous. Just sick. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what was wrong.

But I knew I cared for her a lot. And I also knew that she trusted me.

She cried and every now and then she would say a word like _can't _or _lost _or _love _or other words, but I really couldn't understand anything. But each time she said a word I hugged her legs tighter.

"It was the best day of my life." Quinn finally said something I was able to understand. After forever. After I thought she was never going to be able to stop crying. But her words were strained and forced through tears.

"What was?" I felt my cheek rub against her thighs as I asked the question.

"The, pool, party." She spoke between cracks and sobs.

I waited until she was able to calm down a bit, because right now it sounded like she was panicking. Her breaths were half. Her words were thick and shallow and sounded like they were so hard for her to get out. So I would hug her legs until she stopped panicking. I would let her know that I was there for her and that I wasn't going anywhere, because she really was a good friend and a beautiful person.

She repeated herself a few minutes later. "The pool party was the best night of my life."

"Because you like swimming?" I questioned and I knew the question sounded stupid, but I wasn't sure what else to ask.

Quinn lifted her head from the back of my shoulder, and so I lifted my head from her lap. My cheek even stuck to her thighs just a little, because I had been laying on her for so long. I rubbed my face as I sat up and I looked up at her. Looking at her was almost harder than listening to her.

She took a few breaths and rubbed at her eyes. She looked frustrated and angry. She was clenching her teeth and rubbing her eyes harder than she should have been. And eyes like hers shouldn't ever cry.

"Sorry I know that was a dumb question. I just…I," I stopped.

Quinn rolled her heavy, tear coated, eyes. "I told you to stop apologizing." She snapped at me.

I held my breath.

She sighed and took a few more breaths trying to balance her emotions. But she wasn't balancing anything. She was actually shaking. And maybe that was because she was trying so hard to control herself. "I just," she cracked again and a sob broke her forced tolerance. She cried for a while longer. And when she spoke the next words I fell into so many tiny pieces. I felt my eyes fill with the tears that were clouding hers. "I just don't understand why you didn't pick me."

I knew it sounded weird. I hadn't expected it, and yet I felt everything she was feeling. I felt awful. I knew exactly what she was talking about. And I couldn't believe I knew, when I had asked such a dumb question about her liking to swim only minutes before, but I knew. I knew she was talking about me and Santana.

And I knew she was talking about me and her. Quinn was confusing sometimes, but feelings aren't confusing. I knew Quinn trusted me and when someone like Quinn finds someone they trust it was probably the most amazing and wonderful thing. I saw the way she was with other people. I wasn't stupid. I saw that she was different with me.

But I didn't understand why she would want me to pick her. Our relationship wasn't like that…

"You like girls?" I whispered so softly, because I wanted just her to hear this question even if nobody else was around.

She shook her head and sighed again and shoved her hands back into her eyes. "I don't know." She sighed again and held in a few more sobs. "No…"

Now I was so confused. I didn't know what to say, what to ask, what she was really even trying to tell me. She said one thing, and then said another. So I just said the only thing I could think to say. "I'm confused. I'm…" I stopped myself from saying sorry. And now I felt frustrated, because I didn't even know how to ask proper questions to help her. But I clenched my jaw and tried not to let that frustration show.

She wanted me to pick her, but she didn't like me like that?

"That night was the best night of my life, because I knew I was pregnant." She sniffled and took a breath shaky breath. She was talking fast. "I knew. And I knew that you actually cared about me. And I knew there was something different about you." Quinn took another breath. "And I thought that maybe I would be so lost with this child. I didn't want to tell Puck." Her voice was changing as she spoke. Rising. And then she forced it back to try and talk normal. But she was still shaking so much. "I wasn't going to. He didn't know about the first one, and he wasn't going to know about this one." She shook her head and looked away from me. I watched her eyes flicker over what someone had scratched onto the stall wall.

I still didn't say anything.

"But I also knew that maybe, and I know this sounds so ridiculous, but maybe you would help." She rolled her eyes and didn't look at me. "Please just pretend I didn't say that. God, I'm. This."

Quinn kept mumbling more words and it looked like she wasn't even able to find anything to say anymore. But she did repeat herself, "I don't understand why you didn't pick me." She whispered and shook and her voice cracked again.

I put my hands on top of her thighs. And watched her keep falling and breaking and I was so scared. I didn't know how to put her back together. I didn't know what to do. And I knew I was crying along with her. Not because I was confused, and I still was a little, but because of her. I did care about her. Very much. And she obviously cared about me. And she was crying because of me. Maybe not entirely because of me, but I was part of the reason.

"It's so hard losing something like this." She squeaked out. "Losing something you know that cares. One second you think everything is going to be perfect and finally you'll have someone that cares for you and loves you, and then it's gone."

I watched her try to control her tears. "I'm not gone Quinn." I said it so she knew it. I could feel her confusion and her frustration and I knew feeling like that was awful and overwhelming and felt like drowning.

"Yeah?" Her voice cracked and she looked back at me finally. Finally she looked at me. The next thing was probably the hardest thing I had ever heard someone say. Like forcing words from your chest when they were buried so deep. But she said it. "I lost my baby." And her chest cracked yet again with such a painful cry. Like she had been stabbed. Really stabbed in her heart. And she was back to mumbling things I couldn't quite understand.

_Her baby? _More tears fell down my face. I was angry. So angry. Why did this happen to her? Why did she lose something she almost had?

There was a soft knock on the stall door.

Quinn forced her cries down again. I froze too.

"Quinn, its Santana." Santana spoke. "I'm opening the door."

Quinn told her not to, but Santana did it anyway. She was holding a maxi-pad in one of her hands and stepped behind me. She set it on Quinn's lap. "Here. We'll go into the doctor."

"I already fucking know Santana I don't need a doctor telling me. I told you not to come in." Quinn hissed and tossed the pad back at Santana.

I looked back and forth between them. Quinn angry and about to snap even further. Santana trying to figure out what to do.

And when before I had felt so bad, now I didn't think I would be able to keep myself from really crying for much longer. Why did good people have to have bad things happen to them?

"Hey Quinn." I patted her knee and reached and took the pad from Santana. "Here. Use this. And we can go in." I couldn't stop thinking about why bad things happened and how much nobody ever deserved them. And I knew that was what she was thinking about. "You know that hard things happen to good people right?" I sat up on my knees and grabbed her hands. "Because good people are the only ones who are able to handle them. That's why they happen." I wasn't even able to smile as I said it. I still felt so awful.

I wanted to give Quinn as much as I could. I wasn't even sure what she was asking from me. Whether she liked me like Santana did, or not, or I wasn't even sure. I wanted her to be okay. I wanted her to know she wasn't alone, even though she looked so lonely right now and so horrified and disgusted in herself.

"We should really go Quinn." Santana spoke and her voice sounded so emotionless. I glanced back at her and I knew she saw me crying. And I saw the way her face changed. It was beautiful. She was beautiful and I felt a little guilty for seeing something so beautiful in such a horrible situation. I really think she was Quinn's flower right now. Something good when things were so ugly.


	25. The Scariest Thing in the Entire World

**a/n: hello! here's a long chapter, but that's because a lot happens. You'll have to let me know what you think, opinions, what you think is going to happen, all of that! :) Sorry it took so long to get this chapter up. I had a hard time writing it and have been really busy! But I'm hoping the next chapter won't take nearly as long to post. Enjoy :) **

**Chapter 25 - The Scariest Thing in the Entire World**

The car ride was pretty quiet. We took Santana's car and I sat in back. Nobody said anything. Not even me, even though I wanted to say things. I just wasn't sure what to say. I didn't know what was okay and what wasn't okay to talk about. I knew Quinn wanted answers, but I didn't have answers.

Quinn kept her forehead pressed to the window. Santana kept glancing over at her. I think she wanted to say something, just like I wanted to say something. Actually I knew she wanted to say something to Quinn, but she never did. Instead, she just kept glancing at her and opening her mouth, but then taking a breath and looking forward.

I wondered how much Santana had heard Quinn say in the bathroom. I started to twist and push the toe of my shoe into the floor mat in the back. I didn't want Santana to think that I chose her over anyone. I didn't choose her. I fit with her. It was simple. People didn't choose things that fit. Things like how much someone likes you and how good you make someone feel were natural. I liked Santana more than I had ever liked anyone. I didn't even think it was possible to feel this way about someone before. And I didn't know it was possible for someone to make me really feel like Cinderella without having to give me a glass slipper. Saying I chose Santana was like saying I chose to love my sister.

I gulped at thinking that word. It was loud. When I looked up I caught Santana's eyes in the rearview mirror. I looked away before she somehow heard what I was thinking.

I guess I hadn't fully processed it the last time I thought about that word. The night Santana and me had tried the plan for the first time. I mean, of course I loved her. But love? It sounded so weird in my head. I hadn't even known her that long and I felt _this_ way. Did she like me that much? I'm sure she liked me, but I doubted she had fallen like I had fallen. As quickly and as far.

Or maybe I was confused.

I tried to remember what my mom had said_. Please tell me you're not as stupid? Please tell me my daughter has some silly crush and she's confused._ I didn't even have to try to remember that hard to know exactly what my mom had said to Santana.

I knew how I felt about Santana.

Maybe I was confused. Not about Santana, of course, but about something else. I wasn't even sure what I would be confused about, but I guess that made sense, because who was ever really sure about things when they're confused. If I knew what I was confused about, then I wouldn't be confused.

I knew things had happened quickly with us. But that was what happened with things like this. Right? It was like a magnet that found something to stick to. Magnets didn't slowly stick to the fridge. Especially a magnet as strong and beautiful as Santana. Or maybe I was the magnet and she was the only fridge I'd stick to. Or maybe we were both magnets.

I scrunched my forehead. What am I even thinking? I rolled my own eyes. I caught Santana's eyes in the rearview mirror for the second time. She had an eyebrow cocked.

I flashed her a tight-lipped smile that hopefully reassured her I wasn't going crazy.

And then I looked over towards Quinn. She still had her forehead smashed against the window. I leaned forward and reached my arms around the seat and wrapped them around her. She looked almost _gone. _Like she had given up and didn't really care about anything. But I figured if I showed her I cared then she would care too.

It was hard to watch her. Especially when she didn't even react to me hugging her. For a brief second I really did think she was gone. But I knew she wasn't.

"_Look at this stuff…" _I mumbled into the back of the seat. I wasn't even sure if Quinn could hear me. But it was the only thing I could think to do. Sing. Santana had sung to me when I was sad. And seeing as how _Fergilicious_ didn't seem like an appropriate song right now, I would just sing the other song that I had memorized. "_Isn't it neat, wouldn't you think my collections complete?" _

I wasn't really singing. The Little Mermaid mostly talked that part, I think. And I wasn't that good of a singer. But I think if Quinn heard someone talking then she wouldn't get so lost and lonely. Even that guy that got stuck on the island made a bloody volleyball friend.

"_Wouldn't you think I'm the girl, the girl who has everything." _ I felt Quinn's body bubble with the tiniest and most silent laugh. When that happened it felt like all that dead weight and fear of her being _gone_ had dropped. "_Look at this trove, treasures untold, how many wonders can one cavern hold"_

Quinn finally leaned back into the seat and I hugged her even tighter and kept mumbling the song. It made me smile when I heard Santana whisper something in Spanish and then laugh. She glanced back at me and I only caught the end of her smirk and headshake. Maybe the smirk was less of a smirk, and more of a laugh hushed by a smile.

I kept mumbling the song.

"_Bright young women, sick of swimmin', ready to stand…" _I drew out the last word, and finally Quinn grabbed my hand. I was squeezing around her waist and she reached up with one hand and put it on mine. It made me smile and forget where I was in the song. So I just repeated something I knew I had already sung, and kept going.

When I finished I just kept hugging Quinn, closed my eyes, and pressed my cheek into the back of the seat. She kept her hand on mine, so I knew it was okay that I kept hugging. I wished Santana could hug too.

When we got to the doctor I opened Quinn's door for her and the three of us walked in. Quinn didn't want us going in the back with her. She didn't say why, but I understood why. Nobody wants to have someone watch something being taken from them. Right when I was about to tell Quinn that she could change her mind, Santana said something about making sure to ask all the questions she could think of and if she couldn't think of any she could call her dad and ask _hypothetical_ questions.

"Why would you ask your dad questions?" I asked Santana.

We were sitting next to each other in the waiting room. Santana picked a seat in the corner away from all the moms and pregnant ladies. I think she regretted it, because we were also right by the _toy corner _and this little girl kept eyeing us and running back to her mom shy and embarrassed when either Santana or me would look at her or look at the toys.

"He's a doctor," Santana answered but kept her eye on the little girl who was now inching, step by step, her way back to the toys.

"A baby doctor?" I pulled one leg underneath me, sat on it, and faced her.

She kept her narrowed eyes on the girl. "No. A surgeon."

Surgeon? I guess I hadn't expected that. I thought surgeons were supposed to be all warm and fuzzy so that they didn't scare people. I guess I had never met a surgeon before and the only ones I had seen were on TV. And I also guess that the ones on TV weren't always warm and fuzzy. I pinched my lips together, trying to figure out why I had thought surgeons were warm and fuzzy.

We watched her watch the little girl. Santana cocked her eyebrow when the little girl picked up a block. But she put the block down and skittered back to her mom.

Santana seemed distracted. I didn't blame her. She looked confused, tired, hurt. I wasn't sure if she was just giving me short answers because we were talking about her dad or because of everything else. What had happened with that Karofksy guy last night. Quinn knowing. The fact that other people probably knew too. My mom knowing.

"This morning was fun," I smiled and said despite the heat that crawled up my neck and slipped behind my ears. I made sure I whispered so nobody overheard, even though nobody knew us in here. I wanted Santana to think of something good and simple. Like kissing.

She nodded.

My face burned even hotter. Too hot. And I shook my head and squeezed my eyes closed. Was I stupid? Of course kissing wasn't simple, especially with someone as deep and profound as Santana. I think profound was the right word. If it meant that she was the opposite of simple, then that was what she was. She had so many interesting things about her. What she had to say, the way she talked, the way she treated people, the way she secretly cared for people so it meant so much more when she showed it, the meanings behind the way she treated people, her family.

When I opened my eyes Santana was looking at me. I knew she could see how red I was, because I could feel my cheeks burning.

Her eyes fell over my body and then came back up to my face. "Are you okay?" She whispered.

I nodded. Why was I even freaking out like this?

Things with me were sometimes too easy and I knew that other people weren't like me. But right now I was way too confused. I had all these little bits of information and I didn't know how to put them together. My mom's reaction to us. Quinn's reaction to us. It was so frustrating that I was so simple. It was frustrating that people like Santana and Quinn thought they had to work so hard to hide parts of themselves.

Santana put her hand on the armrest of my chair. For a second I thought she was going to grab my hand. My hand that was picking at the hem and strings at the bottom of my shorts.

"I'm just really confused." I shrugged and then looked down at my hand. "Which is normal."

"About what?" Santana looked over my shoulder and probably at the little girl who was sneaking back to the toys.

I started to say something. I wasn't even sure what I was going to say. Probably something about not being sure what I was confused about, but Santana said something at the same time. We both stopped.

I told her that she could talk first.

So she took a breath and pulled her hand back to herself. "This whole time you've been thinking about me and how _this,_" she whispered that word, "affects me. But I'm worried about you. I don't want people breaking your windshield, I don't want people telling you that you're stupid and confused. I don't want people treating you like less than you deserve when you treat people better than they deserve. As much as I want to be with you, I want you to be okay first."

My stomach dropped. I shifted in my seat and scooted a little closer toward her. "I am okay." I let out a nervous laugh. I really was fine.

Santana's smile was sad. I knew she saw something. She knew something. So instead of not asking, I asked. "What?" I whispered, completely terrified of the question.

Santana's eyes once again fell over every inch of my face and it felt like she read me like a book.

I spoke before she said something. I spoke quickly and softly. "Don't listen to Quinn. She's hurt and sad. She's such a good person, but she said things and thought things because she isn't sure who to blame. And she's not dumb, so she isn't going to blame herself. She knows she didn't do anything wrong. She's the smartest lost person I have ever met." I knew I was talking fast, so I slowed myself down.

But that gave Santana an opportunity to say something. "I heard what she said Britt. I walked in right after you did."

I wasn't sure what she had thought about the conversation. About Quinn thinking and being upset that I didn't pick her. "I wasn't picking anyone. I didn't choose anyone. I was thinking in the car and about this and I just wanted you to know that there was no way I could have ever chosen someone as perfect as you, because I didn't think _you _existed. I didn't even know Cinderella had a pumpkin driver, I just thought horses pulled her. I don't want you to think I chose you, because you don't choose things that you love." My face burned impossibly hotter. It felt like my body temperature shot through the roof. I hadn't meant to say that. Well. I had. I just, not yet. I didn't want her to think it was weird. "I, uh. I mean. Well. You know. I meant. If…Uh." Each time I said a word dry gulps interrupted me.

I was too worried and too frantic to even notice how she was looking at me.

I continued to try and explain myself. "I wanted to say that later. Or whenever you needed it. I wanted it to be special for you. Maybe I'm confused like my mom said. But not about you. I know I like you a lot and I know, I know, that I've never liked someone as much as you. And I found out that night you cried because you looked so perfect and open even if you were sad. You looked like the most beautiful person in the world. I felt like I got to see something that nobody in the entire world could see. And that's why people hide their million dollar diamonds in safes, because they don't want people taking them." I pinched my mouth shut before I said something else ridiculous about diamonds or magnets.

Santana reached over and grabbed my hand. She pulled it into her lap. "I liked this morning too. Except the part where we got interrupted."

I giggled and the heat from my cheeks seemed to drain and be replaced with a blush. The panic and worry melted away, and I felt silly for panicking in the first place. I knew Santana wasn't going anywhere, especially not after everything that happened and what she had said last night.

**xxxXXXXXxx**

I texted Hailey while we were waiting for Quinn. I asked her if she was home, and if she was if she could feed Lord Tubbington. She said that she wasn't home. So I asked Santana if we could drop by. At first she shook her head _no _so quickly. But I told her that he needed food and that my mom would be asleep. She insisted that Lord Tubbington never needed to eat food again.

The conversation was dropped when Quinn walked out. She looked kind of stiff and tired. I jumped up from my seat and darted straight for her. She was talking to the receptionist, so I just stopped by the counter and waited.

I didn't listen to what they were saying. Something about a follow up appointment. I just waited until Quinn was done talking and then me and Santana walked with her outside.

Again nobody said anything in the car. Santana drove to Quinn's house and when we got there Santana even asked if Quinn wanted us to come in with her. Quinn said no thank you, opened her door, and walked straight to the front door of her house.

I didn't notice I had been staring at the front door of Quinn's house until Santana said something.

"Are you going to sit up front?"

I looked over at her and then back at Quinn's door. Quinn had walked in a few minutes ago. I wasn't sure why I had been starring at her door for so long. Maybe I thought she was going to come back out and ask us to come inside with her. I wanted her to. She needed someone, but she didn't need someone telling her that.

I looked back at Santana and then crawled through the car and into the front seat.

I had forgotten about Lord Tubbington until I realized we were on the street to my house. Santana looked at me. "Are you sure she's asleep? I really do think your cat will be fine. Can't you ask your dad to feed him?"

"He doesn't get off work until super late tonight and Lord Tubbington hasn't eaten in a long time." I started to consider the consequences if I got caught. Would my mom say anything? But then I started to wonder what would happen if I apologized. Not for liking Santana, but for telling her the way that I had. On accident. "My mom is sleeping. I'll be really quick."

Santana parked in front of my house. "Do you want me to go in?" She unbuckled her seatbelt.

"I'll be really quick, I promise," I darted out of her car before she could say anything else. I didn't want her to worry, because there was really nothing to worry about. I also didn't want her stopping me when I tried to apologize to my mom.

My mom deserved an apology. Even if she had said some really mean things to Santana. My mom deserved to know that someone loved her and someone cared enough to apologize, because I really wish I could have told my mom about Santana the proper way. I wish I could have had a real discussion about it. I wish I could have not been flustered or confused or worried. I wanted to take it all back.

I jogged under the tree and jumped up on the step that led to the front door. It was unlocked. Just like it always was. I quietly stepped into the house and didn't shut the door completely behind me. There was no need to make any extra noise than I needed to.

The house was quiet. That was until Lord Tubbington leapt from the couch and thudded against the floor in the living room. He ran to me and meowed.

I squatted and scooped him up in my arms and snuck through my house. I filled his food bowl, changed his water, and while I was doing that, my heart was beating faster and faster.

I was trying to decide if I should just say sorry and that was all, or if I should say something else. Faster, faster, faster. My heart was slamming against my chest. I wanted my mom to be okay. I wanted her to know that I had messed up. Because right now it felt like I had abandoned her.

I was shaking as I pushed Lord Tubbington's water bowl closer to him. But he was too busy inhaling his cat food.

My dad didn't really spend much time with my mom. And my sister wasn't ever home. I was the one that spent the most time with her. She trusted me. Sure I guess Hailey had talked to her more about stuff, but I think that had changed recently. Obviously it had changed if Hailey had written what she had written in her diary.

I stood up, nudged Lord Tubbington with my foot to say goodbye, and then crept through the house and towards my mom's room.

I was just going to say sorry. That was it. Sorry. And then I would leave. I swallowed the pounding in my chest, twisted the door handle, and opened the door.

I didn't poke my head in right away. I didn't want to startle her. I took one last breath and then peeked in. She was curled up in her blankets and facing the opposite wall. I knew she wasn't sleeping. Mostly because she always woke up when I went in her room. She was the lightest sleeper in the world, which is why Hailey and me had to put the TV on mute when we watched it.

"Sorry Mom." I whispered and then pulled the door closed. I knew she had heard me. I knew I had said it loud enough. I wonder if she had been awake and listening to me creep around the house. She had to have known, because Lord Tubbington only meows at me.

I was still shaking when I got back into Santana's car. If she had asked, I would have told her I had apologized. But she didn't. Instead she asked me if I wanted to go back to work.

When I didn't answer she said something else. "Your sister texted me." Santana held up her phone as I buckled my seatbelt.

"What? Why?" I looked up at her and then I dug in my pocket for my phone. It was flashing with _message alerts_. "Is something wrong?" I stuffed my phone back in my pocket.

"When you weren't answering her, she told me that you shouldn't go to…" Santana paused. She held her phone out to me.

I took it and read the text.

_Can you tell my sister that she shouldn't go to the house? I'll feed her cat when I get home tonight. _

I handed the phone back to Santana. "What'd you tell her?"

Santana took a breath. "Nothing. Not yet anyway. I got it right before you walked out. Does your mom usually tell your sister about arguments?"

"Maybe. I don't really know. Hailey probably got home last night and saw my mom was upset."

Santana put her car into gear and pulled away from my house. "You should really have a chat with your sister about this text message thing, because I nearly had a heart attack and ran into your house. Her timing is awful."

I laughed. I was glad Santana was lightening the mood. It helped, because those nerves from apologizing to my mom were still screaming through my body.

"So do you want to go to work? Or, how about, we go into work, I'll talk to Will and explain things. And if it's busy we'll stay and if it's not then we'll go get some soup."

My heart fluttered. It felt like she had tugged at it with an invisible string. One soft, thick beat that completely changed my mood.

**xxxXXXXXx**

I was sitting at the bar. There were a couple of customers, but not many. Weekdays weren't usually busy and I was pretty sure Will would make us take the rest of the day off even before Santana asked. That was where Santana was right now. In Will's office. She had gone back there about ten minutes ago, so I think they were talking about other stuff too.

I didn't mind. Holly made me a drink with cranberry and vodka and told me that if I moved from the stool I was sitting on that she would drag my little booty right back on it. That was another reason I was pretty sure Santana and me probably wouldn't have to end up staying and working.

"Are you sure you don't want me to help?" I took a big sip from my drink. There was definitely plenty of vodka in it.

Holly was mixing a drink for a customer that was sitting on the other side of the bar. She looked up from the drink and at me. "I'm absolutely sure. You look like hell ran over you with a semi." Holly shrugged with a look on her face that said _I'm-sorry-but-it's-true. _

She brought the finished drink to the guy at the other end and then walked back to me. "I heard about last night. The whole thing about some gorilla busting your windshield because he thought you were some dude hookin' up with his girl." She rested her elbows on the bar. "Innnnnnnnn-sane." Holly nodded.

I nodded along with her.

"I know, right." She stood back up and held up her hands to emphasize just how insane she really thought that was. "I mean," she pulled out a piece of gum and popped it in her mouth, "this guy was wasted right? That's what I heard. He must have been, because there is no way I'd mistake you for some dude. Oh," it was like she remembered something, "and then everything with Quinn. Poor girl. She's such a sweetheart."

The smile on my face was so big. I was so glad that somebody else saw that and recognized it. I guess it would be silly of me not to think that Holly thought that about Quinn, but still. It was shocking to hear, in a nice and comforting way.

"How'd the doctor go?" She lowered her voice and her words were filled with so much empathy.

"I waited in the waiting room with Santana. She didn't want us coming in with her."

Holly hummed and flashed a weak smile.

"Are you doing okay?" She lowered her voice even more.

I didn't answer. I didn't want to say _no _and search for an explanation that I knew I didn't have. And I didn't want to say _yes _and lie.

"Quinn's lonely."

I looked up from my drink and at Holly. I even held my breath. If she was going to talk about Quinn then I was all ears. I wanted to help Quinn. I knew she was lonely. I wanted her to not be lonely. I just didn't know how to fix that.

"She's talked about you. A lot. She trusts you and cares for you. And I have never seen that girl open up to anyone the way she opened up to you. I don't blame her." Holly winked. "You give her something that she has never gotten before from anyone."

Listening to her talk was like listening to something in complete silence. It was absolutely the only thing I could focus on, hear, think about.

"I have no problem believing that one girl can fall in love with another girl. I'm not telling you this to gossip. It's important, because she's important."

I nodded in agreement. But my mind was starting to go crazy. I was repeating what she had just said over and over in my head. _One girl can fall in love with another girl. _

"She needs someone who can love her and can see past the bullshit and not look at her like she's less than what she is. That poor girl is probably humiliated, ashamed and horrified."

"Of what?" I blurted, but I wanted to know.

Holly cocked her head and just smiled at me. "Exactly."

I didn't get it, but I didn't say that. I just waited until she continued.

She reached for my drink and took a sip of it and then slid it back to me. "I'm an awesome bartender."

Holly walked away and helped a couple that had just walked up to the bar. I sipped my drink and waited for her to come back.

I still wasn't sure what she was trying to say about Quinn. Was she saying Quinn loved me? Or was she saying something about me and Santana? Did she know about me and Santana? Did she want me to love Quinn? But I already loved Santana.

I took another sip from my drink.

Maybe I should tell her about Santana. She would find out eventually, especially if Quinn told her all this other stuff. They seemed really close. Holly was nice. She always knew things, and she always knew what to say.

She walked back to me. "What do you mean about Quinn?" I scooted to the edge of my stool. "She loves me? I love her too, but not that way. I mean, I don't know what way I love her. She's different and nice and an amazing friend-"

Holly cut me off, "But you love Santana."

I choked on my drink. It had been halfway down my throat when she said that. When I coughed I made sure my lips were tightly closed and I turned my head away from Holly. A few more coughs and then I looked back at her.

"I know, I know," Holly started before I could say anything, "how did I know? Please." She rolled her eyes. "You're still wearing those earrings. And Santana may not talk to me about personal things, but that girl is far from discrete with her leering. You should have seen her when you wore that cheer outfit. Your legs looked like a Goddess." Holly lifted her eyebrows. "I would have been surprised if _something _didn't go down that night…"

I didn't move. I knew my eyes were wide and I wasn't breathing, but how did she know? Did I look different afterward? Did people look different after they had sex? Or, girl-sex? Maybe she was guessing. And, I had forgotten about the earrings. I'll give them back to Santana. She probably had forgotten she let me borrow them.

"Hello Brittany." Rachel hopped up on a stool next to me. "Holly." She nodded at Holly. "These are receipts." She slid me a piece of paper that was folded in half. "Will paid for a tow truck to come get your car and for the windshield. It's at this address," She took the paper back, unfolded it, and pointed at an address near the top. "I'm sure Santana can drop you off to get it. Or I can after work."

"I can't afford this." I looked at the total on the bottom. It wasn't that much, but I still didn't have that much money saved up right now.

"I told you that Will already paid for it." Rachel folded up the paper in her hands and handed it back to me. "You're not working are you, you look awful. Those bags under your eyes are huge and your eyes are bloodshot. You should go home and get some sleep."

I looked to Holly who nodded, spun on her heels and then headed back to her customers.

"I don't feel sleepy." I shrugged and rubbed under my eyes. I didn't feel sleepy but I was sure if I lay down I would fall back asleep. I took a deep breath and slowly let it out. I took another sip from the straw of my drink.

"You should get food before you drink that." Rachel reached for the drink and pulled it away from me.

"I'm getting soup with Santana." My eyes shot open, but then I remembered that Santana was the only one who knew what _soup _meant. And then I remembered that Rachel already knew. "Can I ask you a question?" I glanced back at my drink.

"No, you cannot have you drink back. When is the last time you ate? You look like a sickly bird."

I looked down at my lap. I didn't look like a bird. And I had eaten only a few hours ago. "I ate this morning."

Rachel lifted an eyebrow and I wasn't sure if she believed me. "You can ask your question."

"Oh." I had forgotten. "Uhm. It's about…girls."

Rachel's eyebrow lifted even higher.

"Me and Santana. And Quinn."

Her eyes bugged and her jaw dropped. "All three of you!"

I shook my head violently. "No!" I hissed and looked around. A few customers were looking at us with questioning glances, but then went back to their food.

"Oh my goodness." Rachel held her hand to her chest. "Please be a little clearer when you explain Brittany. You scared me."

Even though I knew she didn't mean anything bad by saying that, it still sunk my heart when she said that I needed to explain better.

"Now," Rachel straightened herself and turned her body to completely face me. "Ask again."

I wasn't sure exactly what I should ask. I wanted to know more about what Holly had said. About girls falling in love. And I would just ask Holly, but she was getting busier with customers. Besides, Rachel had two gay dads. "What do you think about girls falling in love?"

Rachel narrowed her eyes and I watched her think. She nodded her head as ideas must have come to her, but she didn't answer for at least an entire minute. "What kind of love are you talking about?"

When I didn't answer her she explained herself further. "There's different types of love and different levels. And though I think it's tragic and closed-minded, there's a way that Sapphic love gets diminished in the minds of some straight people, that it's just sex or that it's either something small and petty or an obsession." She paused. "And there are some people who find it easy to diminish the love straight girls have for other girls. In some ways it's rather complex, but from another point of view it's all really straight forward."

I smiled. Rachel was smart. She somehow always seemed to explain things and understand me better than I understood me. Probably because we had been friends for so long.

"Most people see relationships incorrectly. No matter the relationship. Families, friends, lovers. What I find wonderful is how two girls can build their friendship into something so intimate and connect on that kind of level, beyond a friendship. I've always thought that people have someone they connect with perfectly, but to go through all those extra hoops and hurdles of being a same-sex couple is complex and brave."

I smiled again.

Santana caught the corner of my eye. She was walking around the bar holding something. She set a plate of French fries in front of me and then took a seat on the stool opposite the side of Rachel.

"I stole these from the kitchen." Santana leaned into me and the plate and grabbed a few fries. She popped them into her mouth.

When Rachel reached for a fry Santana swatted at her. "Hey! No. Get your own."

"Santana they're free." Rachel snapped back.

"Uh, so is attention from boys, yet you still don't have that."

I looked to Santana. Immediately she took it back. "Fine. Finnocense counts I suppose." She rolled her eyes.

Rachel glared at Santana, before she hopped down from her stool and stormed off.

"I'm sorry." Santana muttered. "She just drives me insane. I still don't know why you're friends with her." Santana stuffed a few more fries in her mouth.

"She's nice." All the things she had just said kept running through my mind. Rachel was nice. Sometimes a little overwhelming and talkative, but she was still nice.

"I guess…" Santana said. "And don't eat so quickly, because we're still getting soup."

I had to cover my mouth, because I was afraid that smiling would make all my chewed fries fall out.

We finished the fries and Holly walked back over. "Here ladies," she pulled out a box from underneath the bar and set it on the counter. "Can you bring this to the back before you leave?"

I jumped off of my stool and grabbed the box. It was kind of heavy. I peeked inside of it and saw a few bottles of alcohol. My guess was that it probably went in the storage closet.

Santana followed me through the back, taking the plate of fries with her. She went to the kitchen and I went towards the storage closet. It was cold in there. Will ran the AC so the alcohol kind of stayed chilled. I didn't like coming in here, unless it was summer. During the winter it was way too cold.

I set the box on the floor and pulled out the bottles one by one and started finding spots for them on the shelves. But then I gave up finding spots, because I didn't know how everything was organized in here. Rachel would say something later about how _someone was being lazy, _but I was much more concerned with eating soup.

"Here," Santana said from behind me and grabbed the bottles from my hands. She found the correct spot for them right away and bent down to grab the last two bottles in the box.

I should have carried the plate to the kitchen and she should have organized the bottles. Now she was putting the bottles I had just set on the shelf in the correct spots. I think she knew that Rachel would yell at us, because she had seen Holly give us the box.

Speaking of Holly…"Hey, I forgot you let me borrow these." I reached up for my ears.

Santana looked over her shoulder at me. Her face scrunched up. "Oh, no." She turned to face me. "No." She pulled my hands back down from my ear.

"I think they're expensive." I pursed my lips. "What if I lose them?"

Santana smiled at me. "You won't lose them. Just don't take them out. And they're yours to keep."

"Really?" I bounced on my heels. But stopped that bounce when I remembered that I couldn't really show my mom.

Santana nodded slowly.

"Awesome." I said and Santana let go of my hand and turned back around to fix the bottles.

"Hey, Santana?" I whispered. So many things and thoughts and feelings were flooding my mind. I couldn't figure out how she was so perfect. How she made me feel perfect. Not only was she patient with me and sweet, but she had given me earrings. I had never gotten earrings from a guy, and I guess Santana wasn't a guy, but still.

"What?" Santana giggled and I realized I had forgotten to say something else and keep talking. Hopefully I hadn't been staring at her too long. I supposed it didn't really matter if I had. She always smiled when she caught me staring at her.

I smiled and laughed a little too, because I wasn't really sure what I had wanted to say earlier, or why I had said her name. What were you supposed to say when someone gives everything you could have ever wanted and more? _Thank you_ didn't seem like enough. "I just wanted to say thanks." I told her anyway.

"For the earrings?" She nodded and scrunched up her nose, which meant she was being cute and shy. It was very close to the way she had blushed when I had busted into her room earlier this morning in my towel. Except then she had just been nervous and shy, but still cute.

My jaw dropped.

"What?" Santana's eyes got big.

"What were you doing in your room this morning?"

"Oh my God." Santana spun around and even though I couldn't see her face I could feel how bright red and hot it was. It kind of made me start to heat up, but for entirely different reasons.

I swear I was the most clueless person sometimes. I rolled my eyes at my own stupidity.

She wasn't even organizing bottles anymore. She was just moving them around. Cute. If I had to pick a word for her, I would have a hard time picking just one word, but _cute _would definitely be on my list of possibilities.

She didn't need to be embarrassed about _that_. We had been interrupted more times than I could count and I was pretty sure she wanted me to kiss _down there, _especially after the way she had been kissing me, and if her body squirmed and twisted half as much as my body had when her head had been between my legs and her tongue had been running over me, then I was positive she would like it more than anything in the entire world.

I peeked over my shoulder at the door. It had a lock.

My heart started to beat faster and faster. It felt like helicopters were flying around my chest and thumping against my ribs. I looked back at Santana. I didn't want her to think that she should be embarrassed. For goodness sake, I touched myself in front of her the first time we ever did anything. I wanted her to be whatever she wanted and people who hid and had walls like Santana got nervous and embarrassed sometimes.

People got embarrassed because they thought they shouldn't have done something. I think sometimes it's because they're not used to showing how beautiful they are. Santana was just not used to showing herself.

I stepped back, pulled the door shut, and locked it.

Santana didn't notice. She was still playing with the bottles.

I would give her anything, because I was pretty sure she had already given me everything.

I reached for her hand and linked my pinky through hers. She looked at me. I could tell her face was burning and her eyes were frantic. But she seemed to relax a bit once she realized I was holding her pinky.

"What are you doing?" She asked. I held her pinky and I turned her by putting my other hand on her waist. She looked at the door and looked back at me with wide eyes.

I knew I was being silly, but my eyes started to get foggy. Happy tears I always thought were meant for movies, but now I knew they were meant for Santana. I felt so cheesy and silly, but I couldn't help it.

"What are you doing?" She hushed and softly laughed. She reached her thumb up and rubbed it across my cheek.

"Being happy." My face started to hurt from smiling so big.

She wiped her thumb across my cheek again.

"Sorry, I know I'm being a dork." I laughed through the bubbles in my throat.

Santana laughed with me. Softly. "If I would have known doing that to myself would have made you this happy then I would have done it a long time ago."

I laughed again. "Really?"

"Maybe…" She smirked, but I could still see a blush in her cheeks.

So I leaned in and I kissed her. She hadn't expected it. I think she was still thinking about being embarrassed and me knowing what she had done in her bed. So I held against her lips until she kissed back and wrapped her arms over my shoulders.

It was slow. Deliberate. Her lips tasted like lip gloss and her tongue tasted like whatever it was that someone was supposed to eat so they got butterflies in their stomach. Because now I had butterflies going crazy in my stomach, hitting things and pushing around. Those butterflies would push especially hard when her tongue would touch mine, because she wouldn't do it for very long before her lips moved and caught mine.

It felt like little lightning bolts were zipping across my lips, because she was so soft and slow. My nerves were begging for her to go faster and harder, but I didn't want that. This was the sweetest kiss ever and it felt like I was spinning and spinning and losing control. How did this happen when I was the one that had kissed her?

She made me sigh and lean and fall into her lips. They were so warm. Maybe she would let me kiss her forever…Again she parted my lips with her tongue, slipped it in for a second, pulled it back out and distracted the hum and shivers in my body by swallowing my lips with hers.

Her lips were so soft and each time her tongue ran over mine I shook because I thought of how it had felt when she had run her tongue between my legs. And then I shook again, because I thought of doing that to her. Her hands always grounded me though. She would rake her nails across the back of my neck or run her hands up and through my hair.

Lips. Tongue. Lips. Shutter. And then she'd keep doing it over and over. My lips felt so swollen and I felt so taken by her. Taken in every possible way that someone could be taken.

It was hard, but I pulled away. I wanted to kiss her, but I wanted to kiss her other lips too. And I was afraid I was going to get lost in kissing if we kept going and forget entirely what I had wanted to do from the beginning.

I watched her tongue as it licked over her bottom lip. And her bottom lip was swollen and puffy, just like mine felt. I think we had been kissing for a really long time. Long enough to make me light-headed now that we had stopped.

I dropped to my knees, lifted up her shirt just a little and dragged my lips over her stomach.

"_Fuck." _She whispered and tangled her fingers back through my hair.

Her skin was almost as soft as her lips and I could feel her tummy shaking as I kissed it. Soft, little kisses. Everywhere. But my favorite spot to kiss was along the tops of her jeans. Probably because I wanted to go lower.

I wrapped my hands around the back of her thighs and pulled her closer. I sucked the skin just above her jeans. She tightened her grip on my hair.

I pulled back and unbuttoned her jeans. I looked up at her as I did it and she looked a little nervous. Not much though. More eager, less nervous. So I told her that she should lie down and it might be easier that way.

Santana got down on the floor so quickly. I helped pull off her jeans, but kept her underwear on, crawled on top of her, and kissed her again. I kissed her until she was flat against the floor and I knew she was ready. I kissed her hard and slow and until her nails were digging into my back and her breathing was uneven and choppy.

I sat back on my knees in between her legs, hooked my fingers through the waistband of her underwear and I pulled them down. Inch by inch. This was the first time I would get to see. And I think this was the first time she wouldn't be wearing underwear.

I was shaking. My stomach was tightening and my eyes followed her underwear as I pulled them down and off of her ankles. I scooted closer to her. I felt like I had so much energy. I was excited, happy, nervous, turned on. My body didn't know how to handle all this feeling so it kept shaking.

I smiled at Santana. A cheesy, big, smile. And the second I smiled she relaxed, because she looked a little like I felt.

Being in this situation wasn't necessarily what I had expected, but it was way more than I ever thought possible. Seeing her like _this _was one of the most beautiful things I think I would ever get to see. Seeing someone open up this much and give this much wasn't something that happened that often. I was the luckiest girl in the entire world.

I ran my hands up her thighs and rested my palms on her stomach. "This is awesome." I mumbled. And I scooted even closer to her. It made it so she had to spread her legs further cause my knees were almost touching her.

It was nearly impossible for me not to dive in right away, despite not really knowing what I was doing. I was fighting myself to be patient. Still shaking. I wanted to go slow. To feel everything and touch everything.

I slid one hand down. Down her stomach and the closer I got, the shakier I got. I could even see her body tensing up. And then when I ran my fingers through her, it was exactly like jumping into a swimming pool. Wet, consuming and overwhelming in the best possible way. She was so wet.

Those twists and knots in my stomach made me have to shift and clench everything. I looked back up at her and she was biting her bottom lip and her eyes were locked on my hands.

I looked back to my hands. One was still on her stomach and the other was slipping back and forth through her. Up and down.

I shot my attention at the door. It was locked. I looked back at her, she had looked at the door too.

I picked up my pace a little bit. I doubted someone would come back here, but we really haven't had good luck with that kind of thing.

I worked my fingers through her. I could see how wet they were. I could see her lips down there swallow and hug my finger. And I could see her breathing echo my movements, her thighs twitch, her chest heave shallow breaths. It made everything so much more real and intense being able to _see. _

"Put your finger in." She whispered.

"What?" I looked back up at her just in time to see her hand reach up, grab my wrist, fumble around to find my middle finger and then guide me. She spread her legs and pushed my finger inside of her.

I mumbled something. Probably a bad word. My tummy tightened so impossibly tight, but not nearly as tight as inside of her. She was hot, and I was pretty sure that this was exactly why guys wanted to have sex with girls. It felt so good inside.

I had to keep still for a second, otherwise that tightening in my stomach would have gotten too tight and I was afraid it wouldn't be able to pop ever again from all the knots. I knew I had been turned on before, but now I knew my underwear was sticky and hot and just as wet as she was.

And then I pushed my finger in as far as I could go. Until my palm cupped over her and my finger was so far into her. I curled and twisted it. I wasn't exactly sure what to do, because she hadn't even done this to me yet. But each time I moved my finger her body twitched and melted further, so I just kept doing that. Moving my finger.

She scooted down closer to me and started to rub and rock into my finger.

I said another bad word. Quietly though.

I pulled out and pushed in. And out and in. Out and in. And now there was a wet noise because she couldn't possibly be any wetter. The grunts coming from her chest and the whimpers from her mouth followed the wet popping I was making between her legs.

I didn't think she could keep quiet. I liked how she moved. How it looked like she had never felt something this good. How her back and slightly arched and how her hand squeezed so tightly around my hand that I still had resting on her stomach. I really liked how she rolled into my finger. But I knew that if I kept doing this then she would get louder and I didn't want someone to hear.

Because I wanted to taste her.

So I slowed my finger. I kept it in her, scooted back, got on my stomach and just did it. I licked around my finger and through her creases and everything was so hot and sweet and wet and it drowned my tongue. Again I thought of a swimming pool.

I looked back up to watch her reaction, but I just saw her back arching and her head titled back.

So I moved my mouth to that sensitive part that I had rubbed the first time I had touched her and I softly sucked and wrapped my lips around it.

She shook and the inside of her thighs pressed into my cheeks. Now I knew what she meant by it being hot down here.

Her body was heaving and her breaths were cracking as I moved my lips through her. But I didn't like lying like this. I liked being this close to her, but I wanted to push my tongue in as far as I had pushed my finger. I wanted to wind her up so high that she didn't even remember how to scream, but I knew I couldn't do that like this.

So I lifted my head and chest and leaned on my elbows. Watched her reaction shuffle between dazed and turned on and unsure of what I was doing. I grabbed the back of her claves, one-by-one, lifted them up to my shoulders so her heels rested on my back. Then I grabbed her hips, dipped down, pulled her into to me at the same time, and pushed my tongue so far inside of her.

I tasted that sweetness again. Like sucking on a coin that had been dipped in sugar.

Inside of her clenched around my tongue and it was hard to push it in further. Her heels dug into my back and she grabbed both of my hands. Her hand squeezed my fingers together so tightly and it was hard to keep a hold of her hips.

Santana whimpered. Her body trembled. Her legs that were over my shoulders went limp and I knew she was coming. I wasn't sure if kissing her would help distract her and keep her quiet, but I darted up through her legs, to her mouth, and covered her lips with mine.

She made little noises into my mouth and I just kissed and held her lips until I knew she had completely fallen.

Her lips started to move against mine. Lazily. A little sloppy. But I kissed back. I let her do what she wanted, because I will and have always wanted what she wanted.

When I lifted up from her and smiled, her smile looked just as lazy and exhausted as the kiss had been. It was still a smile and still made me feel so good. She rubbed the back of her hands against the corners of her eyes and wiped away tiny tears.

Not crying tears. Not happy tears. Just tears.

"We should probably go back out there." Santana spoke. "And are you sure you haven't been with a girl, because what the fuck?" She teased.

I laughed and shook my head no.

I got up, helped her up, helped her back into her underwear and jeans, and I patted down her fly away hairs and ran my fingers through some of the tangles in her hair.

She poked her head out the door first, reached back for my hand, and then pulled me out with her. We walked fast through the back room, and she dragged me to the employee bathroom. She said something about how we probably shouldn't smell like a sex store.

When we left the bathroom, she held my hand until reached the door that led out to the bar. She dropped my hand, opened the door and held it open as I followed her out.

"There you are!" Mercedes called. "You forgot your phone." She waved it at me from the stool I had been sitting on earlier. "I was looking everywhere for you."

I walked around the bar. Santana held a finger up as if to say _one second _when we reached Mercedes and she walked toward Will who was at the stage.

"And Quinn was looking for you." Mercedes handed me my phone as I took a seat on the stool.

"Quinn's here?" I snapped my attention to Mercedes.

"Yeah. But your sister called you like three times." Mercedes pointed at my phone.

I knew it had something to do with Lord Tubbington. She probably was calling to tell me he wouldn't get down off of the fence post so she wasn't going to feed him. Lord Tubbington didn't like my sister. Hailey said she was nice to him…

My phone started to buzz against the bar. It made me jump. I looked at it to see that Hailey was calling again.

I picked it up, pushed the answer button, and held it to my ear. "Hey." I said and couldn't help the good mood that I was in.

I didn't think I had ever felt this good. It was hard to explain. But I felt so happy, and giddy. And I knew it was easy to please me, but it was definitely not easy to make me _this pleased. _I didn't even know I could feel this good.

It was because Santana was so happy. I pulled my lips into my mouth, not sure if I was tasting her still, because the only thing I could think about was the lazy smile that she had given me and how she had let me do that to her. I was positive she had never felt _that good _before.

Making someone as happy as I had just seen Santana was a dream come true. The girl-sex was just a cherry on top.

"Hello?" My sister spoke through the phone.

I had forgotten to listen to her.

Mercedes caught my attention. She had gasped and was covering her mouth with her hand. She reached out and put her hand on my back.

"What?" I asked through the phone. Still unable to stop smiling.

But I stopped smiling when she spoke. I hadn't heard Hailey's words. I wasn't sure why I hadn't heard them, but the way she spoke had given me the sickest feeling in my stomach.

**xxxXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**Thanks Stephanie! - you're amazing!**

**check out my tumblr. don't add spaces though - www . frogsrcool . tumblr . com**


	26. Okay

**Chapter 26 : Okay**

The only thing I could think to do was to walk away. I wanted to ask Hailey to repeat herself, but I didn't want her repeating what she had said when I was near Mercedes. So I walked fast and away. I wasn't really headed anywhere specific, I was just getting away.

My throat was tightening the furtherI walked and the longer I listened to nothing over the phone. So I pulled it away from my ear and held my phone to my chest. My heart was hammering. Not in a nervous way or in a way that meant I was surprised. It was in a way that felt like my heart was fighting to keep beating and keep from stopping. And it felt like it was fighting way too hard. Pounding and pounding and pounding. I could hear it in my ears and I could feel it in my hands. It was making it hard to breath. Or, I guess, maybe it was my tightening throat that was making it hard to breathe.

I pushed open the back door behind the bar and started to move faster, until I was almost running.

I tried so hard to remember what Hailey had said.

And I think I knew.

God I knew.

I was shaking. It felt like someone had shook me so hard and now my body was trying to keep everything inside of me from coming undone. I reached for the door handle and missed it the first time. My knuckles hit the frame. When reached for it the second time I grabbed it, pushed the door open, stepped in the storage closet, locked the door behind me, and then rushed to the farthest corner. I tucked and pressed my forehead against the corner of the wall and lifted my phone back up to my ear.

"I'm sorry. I didn't hear what you said." I sounded so robotic. Emotionless. And I think that was because my body was fighting so hard to keep everything in.

It was instinct I think. Older sisters were supposed to be strong. Hailey didn't need to take care of me. I might not be the smartest person in the entire world, but I was older and I was taller than her and I loved her more than any sister could possibly love their sister. She also didn't need to plug my phone in for me when I forget it at home, and remind me of the things she did. Like doctor appointments or of silly things like remembering to shut my door so Lord Tubbington didn't sneak in there when I wasn't home. She should worry about herself, and me, being an older sister should protect her.

So my body would fight and fight and fight. I would protect her.

I heard her say it again. She was crying. Her voice was weak and shaky. She kept asking me where I was. She told me that everything was under control. That she was with my dad. That they were talking to people at the house.

I wasn't giving her full responses. I kept saying _okay. _And why was I saying _okay? _That was stupid. Nothing was okay. This wasn't okay. She didn't need to keep hearing the word _okay. _

"Okay." I said it again and stepped farther into the corner.

It was getting even harder to breath. It felt like my breaths were stuck in my tummy and tornadoes were twisting my insides and making my stomach flip. I felt sick. So sick. Like something was crawling inside of me and begging to crawl up my throat. It was heavy and turning and gross feeling.

"_Where are you?_" My sister asked again. She must have asked twenty times.

"Okay," the word fell out of my mouth yet again. I slammed my eyes shut and shook my head and then pressed my forehead back into the corner of the wall. "Uhm I'm at work. I'm going to get soup with Santana. She wants to get soup. Where are you?" I paused. "I mean, where." I froze and grabbed my shirt with my free hand. My hand was shaking too much and I needed something to hold. "Do I come home? What do…Is she okay?"

"_Brittany._" My sister said my name through the phone. "_Can you have Santana drive you? I'll text her._"

"No!" I yelled and then shot my hand to cover my mouth. I hadn't meant to be so loud. Gradually I pulled my hand back down and clenched the bottom of my shirt with my fist again. "No." I swallowed a gag. My mouth was starting to water. "No, no. Text her, why? She doesn't. I can tell her. But is she okay?"

She said it again.

It didn't make sense. She had been completely fine last night. "But, last night I talked to her. She was fine. Are you sure?" I swallowed down another gag.

I felt stupid for asking those questions. I knew they were stupid questions. But I couldn't just not ask them. I would do absolutely anything to change the words Hailey had said. I would ask the stupidest question in the entire world if it meant the tiniest chance that maybe Hailey would change what she had said.

"I-It's. I. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So I come home? Or no? No. You're probably not going to be there. Or do you go to the hospital? Does she go? Do we go too? You probably don't know. I'm sorry. I uhm. I'll ask someone." I was fumbling over everything I said. I was trying so hard to put things together and nothing fit. Nothing made sense. And now I felt like I was going to puke everywhere.

I gagged, and I felt something hot crawl up my throat. That heavy sick feeling had crawled from my stomach and now was in my mouth. I had thought I should have been able to keep it down, but it fell out my mouth and down my shirt.

I moved my phone away as another heave shook my body.

What was happening? I couldn't stop it. I couldn't figure out anything and now I was puking. _Oh God, Oh God. _I was still shaking, so hard. It hurt.

I held my breath and held down another gag. I held it down and forced myself not to let anything else come up. I moved the phone back to my ear. "Hailey?" I asked.

"_Yeah_?" She responded.

"I'll be there in a little bit. Okay? Are you okay? Are you sick?" I shook my head and tried to shrug off _that_ stupid question. Just because I was sick didn't mean she was.

"_Okay." _Hailey spoke.

"Okay." I said and then we both hung up.

I set my phone on the shelf and looked down at my shirt. _Gross. _So gross. And then I looked down at the floor. _Even more gross._ I dropped to my knees, pulled my shirt over my head and started to wipe up the mess I had made. I didn't want people to see this. It was gross. It was bad enough I had puked on Quinn and practically everyone had heard about it or seen it. I didn't need to be puking at work too. What if customers heard about some girl puking near their beer?

I didn't know what to do with my shirt after I had cleaned up my mess, so I balled it up and stuffed it in the corner of the storage closet. Maybe I had extra clothes in the break room. I knew I did. I knew there were outfits for our themes and I knew Rachel always kept extra clothes. She probably wouldn't mind if I borrowed a shirt.

There was a knock at the door, and then someone tried to open it.

"Hold on." I called. _Hold on? Really? _Hold on for what?

"Brittany. It's Mercedes." I heard her speak through the door.

I started to panic. I didn't know how to explain things. I didn't know how to explain why I had no shirt on and why my was shirt stuffed in the corner covered in puke. I didn't know exactly what Mercedes had heard. I didn't want to explain things, because I didn't even know how to explain. I wasn't even able to talk to my sister properly, so how was I supposed to talk to them?

A cry broke through my chest.

Just one. I clenched my jaw and shot both hands up to cover my face. I forced it all back in. All of it. I couldn't cry if I still didn't believe it. And as weird as it sounded, I couldn't cry in front of these people. They were my friends. They were so nice and sweet and I didn't want to give them something not-sweet to think about. I didn't want them to puke like me. I didn't want them to shake and be confused and beg me to be okay, when _how I was_ wasn't the thing that mattered right now.

What mattered was my mom.

I felt tears start to soak my hands. But I held my breath until they stopped.

Maybe she had been so sad…too sad.

"_God…" _I whispered and hissed through my hands.

"Brittany?" This time it was Quinn that spoke. "Brittany can you open the door, please?" She sounded so kind. So sweet. In that instant and in that second, it made me so beyond angry that someone as kind-hearted as Quinn had to lose her baby. Why did she have to lose something that could show her the undying and unending love that she showed other people?

I clenched my jaw, snapped my hands from my face and grabbed my phone. I was squeezing it so hard. I wanted to throw it. I wanted it to shatter into a million fucking pieces. But I just kept squeezing. I kept squeezing so hard until I couldn't hold it anymore and I just tossed it away from me.

When it hit the floor the battery and back of it flew apart.

"Brittany?" Quinn said my name again. "Where's Santana? Can someone go get Santana?" Quinn spoke softer, but I could still hear her. "Brittany," she spoke louder and back through the door, "Santana's coming. Can you open the door so when she gets here she can get in?"

I wanted Santana. I really did. And I felt guilty for wanting her to hear this and wanting to tell her and putting this on her, but I wanted her. So bad.

I didn't open the door though. I couldn't make myself move. Instead I stepped back to the corner, kicked my shirt away and sat on the floor. I tucked my knees to my chest and hugged them. And as much as I wanted to tell her, I still didn't want to tell her. I didn't want her to worry about me when people as broken yet as amazing as her needed to think about themselves. She had already done enough for me. More than enough.

The only thing I knew right now was that when someone loved you and had given you everything that they could possibly give, and you made them sad, you lost them. And yes I knew that was not really how things always worked out, because everyone and every situation was different, but that wasn't how I felt right now. And that wasn't how my body was reacting.

I would never make anyone sad again. And I would never ever, ever make Santana sad.

I wiped at my face until my eyes were dry. So dry that they burned, because I did it fast and I was clumsy. I kept trying to take deep breaths and fill my chest, but I could never take in a breath further than halfway down my throat.

I was breathing too fast and too small.

"Brittany," Quinn said my name again. "Just try to breath and stay calm. Santana is coming Sweetheart."

That didn't help. It made another flood of tears fill my eyes. But I made sure they didn't fall, because when the only thing I could control was whether or not I cried, then there was no way in hell I was going to cry.

"I'm opening the door," I heard Santana speak.

It made my chest tighten. I pressed my back further into the corner of the storage closet. I tried to catch my breath. I couldn't. I clenched my fists and hit them against the floor. Why the fuck couldn't I breath right now?

Keys jingled. The doorknob clicked open and I shoved my palms over my eyes before Santana saw me. If I couldn't see her reaction, then she couldn't see mine.

But maybe since she was here I would be able to calm down and then I could look at her when I was ready and explain everything. It was just like knowing I could sleep in a dark room if she was there. With her I didn't need a TV on to help me sleep, because with her I felt different.

But my breathing still felt shaky and out of control.

The door shut quickly, so I knew it was just her who had come in. Her feet patted across the floor. Two steps. She stopped, and then she walked until I felt her standing above me.

Her hands touched my knees and when I peeked through my fingers I saw that her eyes looked so loving and warm. I had never seen someone look like that. And before now I didn't really think it was possible for someone to say _I love you _without saying it.

I took a shallow breath in, but had to push it out quickly, so I could take another shallow breath in.

"Your sister texted me," she whispered. "I'm here Britt. And I know that _that_ is nothing compared to what you need and want here, but I am. I wish that this hadn't happened and I wish that I knew what to say to you to make it better."

"It's okay," I mumbled through my hands. I pulled them down from my eyes, but kept them pressed hard into my lips figuring that if I covered my mouth I could somehow catch my breath.

The most amazing feeling in the world was when someone looked at you the way she was looking at me. I felt my eyes cloud over and I had to sniff back a few tears. That amazing feeling mixed with the awful feeling I had right now was too much. "I don't understand. She was sad. Nobody that sad should…" I couldn't finish my sentence. I stopped, because I didn't want to say what had happened. "She was sad." I just repeated myself and had to take an unexpected gasp. "And she should have been happy."

"I know," Santana nodded.

"I didn't mean for that to happen last night, I-"

She interrupted me. "Of course you didn't Britt."

I continued, "I just I wasn't sure what she was mad about. I thought she knew about you and me. But it was the wrong time. I shouldn't have told her then. She was upset, because of what she had read in Hailey's diary. And I apologized to her this morning."

I shoved my hands back up to my eyes. "I'm so stupid. I didn't even. That's why she didn't get startled when I opened the door. Why didn't I notice? She's my mom and I didn't even know the difference. I should have apologized last night, and then she wouldn't have been so sad." It was getting hard to talk now. Those little panicked breaths had started to hurt and suffocate me.

I felt Santana's hands rub up and down my arms. "Slow down." She tried to hush me and kept rubbing my arms. She must have been doing it for a long time. I wasn't sure how long, but it felt like a long time. She didn't say anything for a while. She just scooted closer to me and kept rubbing my arms.

I tried to catch my breath. At first I was getting angry that I couldn't. I didn't understand why it was hard to breathe. But then I started to slow down. My chest was still burning and my throat still hurt, but I was able to take breaths that were a little bit calmer. It still felt like I was drowning, but that I was starting to learn how to breathe under water.

"You are the most beautiful person I have ever met. And your mom was beautiful too. She was sad, but if you've taught me anything it is that people can be beautiful and sad at the same time. I have never felt the way you made me feel earlier in the doctor's office waiting for Quinn. What you said about me, how you saw me that time I was crying…About love."

I smiled. It was short and sad, but it was still a smile. I felt something happy for a second and then that crawling sad feeling filled me back up.

_Santana believed me when I said she was beautiful. _

"What happened last night wasn't your fault. It wasn't your mom's fault. It wasn't anybody's fault. And at the same time I don't think that _that _was how it should have happened. I hate that the relationship between you two was so confusing. I hate that it was hard. But she loved you, because she wouldn't have reacted the way she did if she hadn't. So remember that okay."

She didn't continue until I looked at her.

Santana smiled. It was small and sad just like the one I had given her. "You are so important Brittany. I'll be here," she said as she picked up something. It was my phone. She must have picked it up when she had walked in. "Here," she handed it to me after she had put it back together. "What do you want to do?"

I didn't know how to answer that question. Not only did I rarely get asked what I wanted to do, but in this situation I didn't know what to do. She must have understood what I was thinking, because she nodded.

"Want me to drive you somewhere? I can call your sister? Or your dad? And I'll go with you and wait for you in the car outside or I can go inside. Whatever you want."

"I don't know what I want," I mumbled. It was true. I mean, I wanted this to not have happened, but that wasn't what she was asking and it would be weird to say that. "I don't want you to have to worry about stuff."

She stood up and then reached down to help me up.

I was shaky. It was hard to stand and now I really began to wonder how long we had been sitting on the floor. My legs felt tingly and weak.

"Is this yours?" Santana bent down to pick up my shirt.

I lunged for it, snatched it before she did, and then hid it behind my back. And when I looked at her I felt cold. Cold, because she looked so warm and so giving, and cold because it was cold in this room and I was shirtless. But mostly cold and distant because again I still wasn't used to someone being as loving as she was being. She was being beyond nice.

"Sorry, it just. It's gross. I got sick." I scrunched up the shirt into a tighter ball behind my back.

Santana nodded and held out her hand. "Let's go get you a clean one then."

I didn't reach out for her hand, not because I didn't want to, but because I had been touching my icky shirt. I didn't want to get puke on her. So I just apologetically frowned. She didn't have to do all of this, and by all of this, I mean she didn't have to touch my puke-hand.

"Do you want to stay in here?" Santana stepped a little closer. She peeked over her shoulder at the door.

I thought about it. It'd be easier to stay in here. I felt safe in here. I wasn't sure why, but I did. It felt like I was with Santana in our own little world, and if I went out the door then I would start crying for real.

But I needed to talk to Hailey and my dad. I needed to be with them.

Santana started to lean forward. She was going to kiss me. _Shit. _I jerked backwards and my back hit the wall.

Her startled expression must have mimicked mine. And then her forehead creased, because I think she was worried.

"Sorry." My voice sounded so weird, but I didn't want her to worry like that. "Sorry, I just puked. I don't want you. Well, it's gross. Sorry."

"Don't be sorry Britt," she pinched her lips together. "I was going to kiss your cheek…Just like you kissed mine. I'm pretty sure my cheek kiss won't work as well as yours did…" She studied me for a second, probably trying to decide if she should try again, and then after a few seconds she leaned in and softly pressed her lips to my cheek. "Did you want to stay in here?" She spoke into my cheek and then leaned back.

I wanted her to kiss me again. My dad was right when he said _a kiss to the cheek makes sadness feel weak_. I still felt sad, but maybe if she did it again and forever I could just think about her kissing my cheek and not think about other stuff.

I shook my head no. No I didn't want to stay in here. Well, I did, but I _needed _to leave. I couldn't stay in here forever.

With my hands still behind my back, she stepped closer to me and put her hand on my back and between my shoulders. I walked with her. I kept my head down, my eyes on her feet, and watched us walk to the door.

When she pulled it open, someone fell backwards, but caught themselves. It was Rachel. She had been sitting against the door. As she stood up Quinn stepped from against the wall and in front of us.

I felt them staring. Searching. But I kept my eyes on Santana's shoes. I knew if I looked up I wouldn't be able to control my reaction. Maybe I would be fine, but maybe I would freak out again and not be able to breathe.

Rachel reached for the shirt behind my back and yanked it from my hands. "I'll put this in the sink," she told me and I knew she was trying to get me to look up at her, but right after she had taken the shirt I had snapped my eyes back down to Santana's feet. "I'll get you one of mine." Rachel knew I wasn't going to respond. She knew she had to steal the shirt from my hands to get it from me. She knew me. She was my friend. She didn't know about cheek kisses and the butterflies like Santana did, but she knew things.

I think there were other people nearby too. Probably Mercedes or Tina or Holly. Maybe all three of them. But I wasn't going to look.

Quinn asked if I wanted her call anybody. I shook my head no. And by then Rachel had come back, jogging, with a clean shirt. I put it on so quickly, yanking it over my head and shoving my arms through the holes.

I felt weird. Like since what my sister had said was so unbelievable that everything else was unbelievable. I shouldn't have left the storage closet. I should have stayed in there and calmed down a bit more.

We started walking through the back room. I folded my hands across my chest and pulled my eyes up. I didn't want to keep staring at Santana's feet, because I didn't want to trip, and I didn't want people to be sad and worried about me.

I wanted people to be happy. That was all I had ever wanted. Usually if other people were happy then I was happy. And maybe if they were happy then I would be okay and I wouldn't have to feel so guilty. But I didn't know how to change anything. I didn't know what to say or think. I didn't even know what to do.

And I know it was wrong to feel guilty for something like this, but I couldn't help it. Bringing that kind of cloud over other people was an awful feeling. It felt heavy and drowning and the worst part was I didn't know how to take it back.

I kind of forgot the walk to Santana's car. One second we were inside and then we were outside and Quinn was leaning in the passenger seat giving me a hug. If I had known she was going to give me a hug, then I would have told her that maybe I still had puke on me and she probably didn't want to get it on her.

But she was done hugging me before I could warn her and then she shut my door.

Now I knew why Quinn put her head against the window earlier. Losing someone makes you feel hot and clammy. I felt like I was in the middle of a sauna and I was never going to get out. The glass window was cool and I think it was the only thing keeping me from having a heat stroke.

"Are we going to my house?" I finally was able to ask something. And I asked the question when we had pulled onto my road. I had been thinking about asking it the whole time, just only now was I able to say it.

"Yeah." Santana glanced at me, but I kept my face against the window.

We parked against the curb and I kept staring out the window. I was watching the neighbor's cat. He was sitting on a car and had stood up because he saw me. He always came over to the house, because he liked to be petted. One night he sat on our porch all night and meowed until I went outside and petted him. And sometimes he followed me to the front door and tried to sneak inside.

"Do you want me to go in with you?" When she spoke it startled me and made me bump my head against the window.

I looked over to her. _What did she say? _I narrowed my eyes and tried to remember. I had heard the words, I just had forgotten them. "What?"

"Do you want me to go in with you?" She repeated herself.

I looked past her and at my house. Both my sister's car and my dad's car were in the driveway. I didn't know if it was appropriate to bring her in. I wanted her to come in with me, because I felt safer when she was around. "Should you come in?"

Again I remembered the night I had done stuff with her in her bathroom. The first night we had done anything. It wasn't that long ago. Only a few days ago, but I think I remembered it because afterwards I had asked her what I should tell my sister. It was silly to not know how to deal with my own family and I shouldn't have to keep asking Santana these questions.

"Do you want me to?" Santana asked. "I will if you want me to."

I nodded.

So she nodded and got out of the car. I opened my own door and climbed out, because I knew she was on her way to open it for me. I was out with the door shut, before she was halfway to me. I walked around the car and with her to the front door. While we walked I straightened my clothes and I wiped at my face to make sure nothing was on it.

Santana looked at me when we got to the porch and I was pretty sure she was making sure I was okay to go in, even if I just pretended she was making sure that there wasn't any puke on me.

The front door opened. My dad was standing there. He looked a little surprised to see someone with me, but not surprised to see that it as Santana.

"Come in girls." He spoke and it was just as emotionless as I had sounded earlier. He left us and headed back to the kitchen. He was on the phone. I could hear him mumbling.

I walked in. Hailey was sitting at the kitchen table. I wanted to walk over to her and give her a hug. She looked completely drained, but I wasn't sure what to do or what to say. I only ever talked to my dad and sister about easy stuff. Hard stuff was hard for a reason and I didn't want to make it harder by hugging Hailey.

So I sat on the couch and Santana sat with me.

It was awkward. And I was starting to get too hot again. I think it was awkward, because my mom wasn't here. She was always here. It was like losing a ring you always wear. You kept touching your finger, because it felt so naked. That was exactly how I felt, only right now I felt like I wanted to curl up on this couch and wait until my mom came back. Even if I knew she wasn't going to. I wanted to wait.

And it felt awkward, because nobody was crying. In sad movies everyone cried and screamed. The only thing I had done was puke and not be able to breathe properly. I wanted to cry and at the same time I didn't want to cry. I wanted to hug Hailey and I didn't want to hug her.

Hailey was standing in front of me. It was like when I had walked to Santana's car. One second Hailey was at the table, and then the next she was standing right in front of me.

"What'd you say to her last night?" Hailey whispered.

I snapped my eyes up to hers. I was wrong. She had been crying.

"What?" I asked, even if I had heard the question. It was just a reaction…

"Don't play stupid Brittany. Not now. Just tell me what you said," she looked so angry.

I saw Santana shaking her head from the corner of my eye.

"What are you even doing here?" Hailey snapped at Santana.

I felt both me and Santana go stiff.

"This is a family matter."

I looked to Santana. She had no clue what to say. So I looked back to Hailey. "I wanted her here."

Hailey completely ignored what I had said. "What did you say to mom last night?"

I held my breath. I hadn't really said anything, not on purpose.

"Why was she so upset?" I could tell that my sister was getting impatient.

"S-she, uh. She s-"

"Spit it out Brittany." My sister hissed and I saw new tears start to fall down her cheeks.

It made me want to cry. But I still didn't want to cry. Instead I held my cry in and let my eyes pool with sticky tears. "Uh, she found your diary and the-"

I was interrupted again.

She slapped me. It was loud. The noise startled me more than anything.

I was too shocked to even move. Santana jumped up from the couch, but Hailey had already backed off. I knew she hadn't meant to slap me. She pulled her hands to cover her mouth and muffle her cry. She quickly quieted it and then looked from me to Santana.

"I'm going to a friend's." Hailey nodded and stormed out of the house.

I sat in confused shock. I hadn't even gotten the chance to explain myself. Hailey didn't even know that my mom thought the diary was mine. The door slammed shut.

My dad poked his head out from the kitchen. He looked confused. I was surprised he hadn't come out when Hailey slapped me, but maybe it only sounded loud because my ears were so close.

"Where'd your sister go?" He asked.

"Her friend's," I repeated what Hailey had told me.

My dad nodded. He looked so tired. And he was missing work. I wondered if he looked this tired at work. I really didn't see him that much. "You girls don't have to hang around here. I can call you about the arrangements tonight Honey."

I nodded. I didn't think he wanted me around. I think he wanted the place to himself and a place to quietly call people, because whenever he came home from work he usually went to his room. My dad was one of those people who needed his own space sometimes.

So I stood up to stand by Santana. My dad went back into the kitchen and started mumbling through the phone again. I told him I loved him, grabbed Santana's hand and led her out of my house. And when we got to Santana's car, I texted Hailey and told her that my mom thought that the diary was mine and that she was mad at me. Hailey didn't do anything wrong.

I got a text back. _Okay._

**XXXXXxxxxxxxxxxxX**

**Thank you Stephanie!**


	27. The Other Day

_**a/n : **_**Here are the songs, just add ''youtube'' to the beginning of the link**

**.com/watch?v=w_DKWlrA24k&ob=av2n**

**.com/watch?v=utBojUP1KVc**

**you can also download and/or listen to all the songs on my Tumblr page. **

**Chapter 27 : The Other Day**

I wasn't really sure if I had everything. I think I did. I had a litter box and the litter that went inside of it. I was buying a lot of extra litter. I wasn't sure how much litter was necessary and I didn't want to not have enough. I guess if I didn't have enough then I could just use grass. Lord Tubbington pees on grass. Maybe I should just use grass. Litter costs money and I need money especially after what some of the girls were talking about last night.

"Do we even need this?" I looked to Rachel and nodded down to the two bags of litter I was hugging to my chest.

"Yes." Rachel cocked her eyebrow. "I think out of all the things you're buying right now, that would be the most important."

"I just don't want to waste money. Is this a waste of money?" I turned to Santana. I hadn't noticed her hand was on my back until it rubbed and bumped my arm as I had spun. "We're keeping him inside your house right, for now? He's used to peeing outside so maybe we should just put grass in the litter box." I looked at the litter box Santana was holding under her other arm. The one that wasn't touching my back. It was filled with little canned cat foods and non-canned cat food. It also had tiny toy mice and a new cat brush.

Her eyes were wide, but she answered. "You should get whatever you think you need."

I turned and faced the front of the line where Finn was ringing up customers. We were at the store. I even think we were in the same check-out line as the last time I had been here. I hugged the litter tighter to my chest. I didn't want to drop it.

Today was about getting stuff we needed. That was what Santana had said. I liked that she had said _we. _I hadn't even realized it until now.

Her hand moved back and rested between my shoulder blades.

She was so sweet. I knew she was having a hard time with what had happened. Ever since the other day she had been right by my side. I knew she wasn't going anywhere, but that wasn't what I was worried about. It was hard to watch someone be so unsure of what to do. Santana told me that she had never had this happen to her before, so she wasn't sure what exactly to do. She said that she would help me with whatever I wanted though.

After we had left my house the other day Santana took me to her house. I didn't cry. I wasn't really sure it was okay to cry. Well, I guess it was okay to cry, because people cried in these types of situations all the time. It just felt like I had been holding it in so long, that my body decided that I would permanently not be able to cry.

I was fine with that. But I wasn't fine with watching Santana walk on eggshells. Maybe I should tell her that I wasn't going to cry.

I turned back to face her. "I'm not going to cry." The words sounded kind of odd. Like they were true, but said from so far away that it wasn't even me saying them.

Santana visibly gulped. Subtly, but visibly. "Uh, I, uh." She pulled her hand to herself. I could see her face grow that reddish color it got when red was mixed with the most beautiful color of her skin. The guy in line in front of us peeked over his shoulder, looked from Santana, to me, to Rachel, and then looked forward.

I knew I shouldn't have said it that loud. And that wasn't really what I had meant. I didn't want her to stop touching my back, because having her hand on me was the one thing that was keeping me from thinking that this was some crazy nightmare where nothing seemed to connect. Everything was jumpy and erratic, except her hand on my back.

"You can touch me," I told Santana. My voice still sounded a bit distant, but not as far as it had sounded before.

The guy turned back around, his eyes locking with mine.

"Mind your own fucking business you perv," Santana hissed at him. "Obviously she wasn't talking to you, because I can see your back hair sticking out from the top of your shirt. Now maybe if you took some of that and put it on your thinning bald-"

"Santana…" I whispered, so so so softly. I was surprised she had even heard me.

But she stopped and had gave the guy in front of us the dirtiest look I had ever seen.

"Sorry," she looked to me and her eyes fell down my body and ran back up to my eyes. They looked so soft and gentle. Like she was looking at the most fragile thing in the entire world. That was how she had been looking at me since the other day. "I just don't understand why Nasty needs to look. Some people fucking think shit that isn't related to them is their business…"

She stopped when the guy left. He didn't look at us. Just walked out of line and went to stand in the back of another line a few cash registers away.

Santana put her hand back on my back. And as bad as I felt for what she had said, it felt good to hear her talk. The past few days when she had talked it had been so stuttered and cautious. Right now I liked hearing her say words like _shit _and _fuck. _Even if I knew she was reacting as if someone had been pounding on the walls she kept up, it was still so comforting to hear.

The line moved forward.

"I have a few options I want to run through with you. For tomorrow." Rachel spoke to me, but I didn't look at her. I just nodded. "Everything is organized and I found some pictures in an old photo album. I set up a slide show. I think your…well I think it'll be sweet. I just need your final approval for a song to play while it's running."

I just nodded my head. I didn't want to pick a song. I didn't know how to pick things like that. God, I still hadn't picked a song I wanted to sing to Santana. I guess I hadn't had much _time _to think about it lately, but I still needed to pick one for her because I was going to sing for her eventually.

I felt my body sink. Not at the thought of singing, but at the lack of anxiety I got from the thought of singing. I wasn't even nervous. I had nearly passed out being on stage with Sam that one time and right now I knew for a fact I would feel nothing if I were to get on a stage. No nerves, no nausea. Nothing. Maybe, because I had to beg Will to let me come to work and rehearse tonight with Rachel. Maybe when someone begged they weren't not supposed to be nervous.

I wasn't going to sing any time soon. But I wanted it to be absolutely perfect when I did get the chance to sing to Santana. So even if I wasn't going to sing for a few weeks, I would start practicing now.

I dropped the cat litter on the counter when we reached Finn. He smiled at all three of us.

"Hey girls. Rachel." He smiled at her the longest. He scanned the first bag of cat litter. "Who's buying a cat?"

"I already have a cat," I answered him. I felt my lips pull into a thin straight line as I tried to smile. It frustrated me that I couldn't even smile. Why the fuck couldn't I smile? It wasn't that hard to smile. Finn was nice and it was easy to smile at him. I didn't want to be stuck like this forever. I didn't even know what I felt right now. I tried to think and think about what I felt, but I couldn't figure it out.

I looked at Finn. His eyes shifted from Rachel to Santana. He looked confused.

"She's just getting it a litter box and some toys," Rachel looked to me and then to Finn. I think she was answering a question he had asked me and I hadn't heard.

Finn raised an eyebrow at me. But it wasn't a confused eyebrow, or a look that made me feel stupid for not hearing. He just looked concerned.

Santana stepped closer to me, so that her chest bumped into my arm. Her hand made a small circle in between my shoulder blades. Finn flicked his eyes to glance at us, but then went back to talking to Rachel.

I knew what Santana had just done would have made my heart explode with heat at any other time. I knew I should have been so happy and so giddy at her standing this close to me in front of someone who didn't _know_. It wasn't like I wanted everyone to know about us. I would prefer if they didn't. I wanted me and Santana to know more things first so we could figure it out, but that didn't mean I shouldn't have gotten the most amazing feeling in the world when she treated me the way she was treating me right now. I knew it took a lot of courage on her part to do what she was doing.

So why wasn't I smiling. I still had that straight-lipped stupid _smile. _It wasn't even a smile.

I watched Finn ring up and bag all the stuff. I handed him my card when he was done. I hadn't even heard the price, but it didn't matter because I would have bought this stuff if it had cost a million dollars. Lord Tubbington needed things, like treats.

"Wait," I stepped forward right before Finn swiped my card. "I think I forgot something. Can I look?"

"Uh, sure…" His forehead creased. He picked up one of the grocery bags he had been filling with cat food and set it on the counter for me.

I shuffled through the bag. All I saw was cat food. Where were the treats? "I think I forgot treats. He won't come out of the cat carrier if I don't have treats. The ones with chicken because I think he's allergic to the other flavor."

"There's another bag." Finn set a second bag on the counter.

I darted to the other bag and let out a sigh when I saw the cat treats. _Good. _

Rachel peeked over and into the bag. "I'm sure we got the right kind Brittany. We spent nearly an hour reading the ingredients on everything."

I wasn't sure if I heard frustration in her voice. I doubted I did. But just in case… "Sorry," I looked to Rachel, and then back up to Finn. I stepped back towards Santana. "Sorry, you can swipe the card now," I told Finn.

When Finn handed me my card, Rachel grabbed the litter box and one bag, and Santana grabbed the other bag. I could carry a bag...

"I can carry something," I reached for the litter box in Rachel's hand. She let me take it. I hugged it to my chest.

We walked out of the store.

"Are you hungry Britt?" Santana asked.

I thought about it. I wasn't really hungry. I wasn't full though. I shrugged.

"Do you want to get something to eat? We could stop and get food?" She asked.

I shrugged again.

She asked another question.

I shrugged again.

I felt awful. Each time she asked a new question it made me feel worse. They weren't even hard questions, I just didn't have an opinion. I would do whatever she wanted. I would eat if she wanted, I would sleep if she wanted, I would go buy more cat stuff at a different store if she wanted. I didn't care.

I just wanted this to stop. The questions, because I didn't have answers. I had this feeling that I couldn't even describe. It hurt in the worst possible way. It hurt in a way that I couldn't even figure out. Maybe it didn't even hurt.

I hadn't noticed we had reached Rachel's car until she was grabbing the litter box from me and putting it in the trunk. Santana waited with me outside of the car as Rachel rounded to get into the driver side.

"Britt…" She started, but I could tell she didn't have a question or a sentence or anything to say.

Now she looked fragile and maybe I was wrong when I had said that she was looking at me like I was fragile. Maybe I had made a mistake and she looked like this at me, because she was so unsure of herself.

"We can eat food," I blurted the first thing that had come to my mind.

It made Santana jump. But she didn't believe me or accept what I had said. Of course she didn't.

She pursed her lips into the same exact straight-lipped smile I had had plastered on my face just moments before. "U-u-uh," her lips shook when she spoke. She had to stop herself. It wasn't a nervous shake, or a confused shake, or a timid shake. It was a shake that looked like she had stopped herself from crying.

That feeling that had been buried deeply inside of me dug deeper and twisted. It made me nauseous.

I remembered puke climbing up my throat the other day. It had been hot, and had burned. And when it had fallen out of my mouth I had never felt so out of control of absolutely everything. I remembered trying to remember how to talk on a phone, while I was trying to make myself stop from throwing up. That nauseous feeling wasn't the same feeling I had gotten before when I had eaten something wrong or when I had been drunk. It was more of a _sick _feeling. It was gross.

Her face changed. Her eyebrows pinched together and she stepped closer to me. "Are you okay?"

I nodded and took the deepest breath I could through my nose. I filled my chest with air and I held it until I couldn't keep it in any longer.

That sick feeling was still lingering.

"I feel kind of sick," I admitted.

Santana nodded. "Okay, we don't have to eat," she eyed me. Every inch of me. It felt like she saw everything.

Half of me wanted her to see everything. It would be so much easier that way. It was always easier when someone saw things so you didn't need to explain. And half of me already knew she saw just about everything.

I was about to shrug when I stopped myself. Instead I nodded.

Santana opened the passenger door of Rachel's car and let me sit up front. I wasn't sure if she let me sit up front because she was being nice or because she didn't like Rachel. Either way. I was going to say something about how it was better that I sat up front right now anyway, because sometimes I get car sick in the back seat, but it didn't seem that important to say. So I just sat down next to Rachel and pulled the door shut.

Santana climbed in the back and Rachel started the car.

"Did you guys want to do anymore shopping?" I watched Rachel look at Santana in the rear view mirror even though I knew the question was directed at me.

I didn't answer and I let Santana answer for me. Like I said, I would do what she wanted to do.

"I don't think we need anything else right now," Santana spoke.

Rachel nodded and put her car into reverse. "I agree. I think Lord Tubbington is going to be one of the happiest animals ever." She backed her car up and then started to drive through the parking lot. "We can get something to eat."

I watched Rachel peek up to look in the rearview mirror and Santana must have shook her head _no. _"Or I can drop you guys off. It's been a long day. Maybe we can meet later for dinner or meet for drinks at work before Brittany and I rehearse."

**xxxXXXXXx**

I had been humming the same song since yesterday. I didn't think it would ever get unstuck from my brain. I hummed and tapped the counter and blew air through my straw to make bubbles in my soda. I could only remember part of the lyrics. So I just kept repeating that part over and over and over inside of my head.

…_Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly…_

I tapped along with what I remembered of the song and hummed the rest.

There were some other lyrics about trouble melting like lemon drops, but I wasn't exactly sure.

"Brittany," Will took a seat next to me on the bar stool. He kind of startled me. Not much though. Not enough to make me jump. "You really don't need to be here. The funeral was yesterday."

_Finally _I remembered why that song was stuck in my head. Rachel picked it and I knew it had to do with the _Wizard of Oz_ movie nights we had at my house when we were little.

I shrugged.

"You should go home," he put his hand on my shoulder.

I shook my head _no_ so quickly. I didn't want to go home.

Nobody was there.

I heard Will sigh. I didn't want him to worry. He had the bar and all the other girls to worry about.

"It's fine," I spoke to him, but spoke into the straw of my soda. I was trying to think of something else to say to him, but I couldn't. I didn't know what else to say. So I just took another sip of my soda.

He stood up from the stool. "You don't have to come back to work until you're ready."

I nodded. "I'm ready."

He left and then Tina walked up to me. She was working behind the bar today, which was a good thing, because besides Santana, she made the best sodas. Quinn made pretty good sodas too. But Quinn wasn't working today.

I slid my glass to Tina.

"Do you want something to eat?" Tina took the glass and set it under the bar. She grabbed a clean cup and started to fill it with lime syrup.

"No thanks." I said. I had just eaten pancakes with Santana, her aunt, her mom , and Marcus.

Tina didn't say anything else. Tina was easy. Not that anybody else was hard, just, Tina was incredibly easy. I was in love with Santana, I loved Quinn, Rachel was my best friend and almost like a sister, Sam was a brother, and Mercedes was a sweetheart.

Tina made another soda for me and slid it back across the bar. "So," she started, "I still can't believe Quinn agreed to this."

I nodded, because I still couldn't believe everyone agreed to it. But they all still had a month to change their minds.

**xxxXXXXXXXxx**

I wanted to sing. I had been planning on it for a long time. Everyone had been. Rachel, Will…

I had rehearsed a whole bunch of times. And the song Rachel had helped me pick was one of the first ones she had shown me. I still couldn't believe she had made a list of songs for me, even before I had said anything about wanting to sing to someone special. That felt like so long ago, but I guess it really wasn't.

Rachel said I didn't have to do it. More than once. More than a million times. But I wanted to. I had spent all that time picking out the song and making sure it was perfect and so had Rachel. And it was. It was something I had wanted to tell Santana for the longest time. Now, more than ever, I wanted to tell her that it would be okay.

I saw her heart break every time she looked at me. And even if I had no clue if things would get better any time soon, I knew I wanted her to take all that weight she was trying to carry for me and just let it go.

After knowing me for such a short time she had given me everything I could have ever asked for. She was the only person in the entire world that I could have fallen in love with. She climbed her walls and she held her hand down and she helped me up them. Or she left a door open for me to sneak in. Or I busted through a door. I still wasn't sure why we fit together, or how it had happened.

Santana had told me that I could ask her any questions that I wanted and she had told me that she wanted me to tell her everything and anything. It didn't sound like much, but having that kind of freedom with someone was supposed to be incredible, and yet I couldn't even talk to her properly.

The only thing I had been thinking about was when she had sung to me. She hadn't known me very long, but she knew exactly what she wanted to say to me. She had sung her heart out to me in front of so many people and it had been so beautiful.

I wanted to tell her that there would be an answer for me. She didn't need to worry. Eventually I would find my answer.

Both of us had questions. So many of them.

Now, more than ever, I felt so lost. And I felt so heavy. Everything felt like it was stuck inside of me and I couldn't figure out how to get it out.

Before, I had not known how to be around my mom, how to talk to her, what to say, if the things I said were what I meant…now I couldn't be anything around her or for her.

She was gone.

I wanted her back so bad.

God, I wanted her back.

Not having your mom was the scariest thing in the world.

The song was coming to an end. I knew Santana was standing right behind me. I had felt her hand on my back for the last twenty minutes. I had been standing here the entire time, just waiting for my turn and thinking. She had been standing here with me the entire time.

I felt guilty for feeling so sad. I knew people could see it and feel it. I just didn't know how to stop feeling this. It was stuck. I felt stuck and almost like I was drowning. I was drowning in water that wasn't there anymore and I didn't think I would ever be able to stop or find the water and be able to swim out.

I hadn't said much to anyone. I stayed with Santana and I worked a lot. It was easier to be around people than be by myself. That was what I had told Santana. So I had stayed with her for the past month and always stopped by the house on my way to work to say hi to Hailey. Hailey was only there some times. She stayed the night at a friend's house too. Probably because my dad wasn't around much either. He worked, stayed out late, and if he was home he was in his room.

Santana's nails scratched against my back. I felt numb.

Maybe if I sang then I would feel nervous. It would be better than this feeling of nothing. But I still wasn't nervous or anxious. By now I should have been going crazy.

I turned to look at Santana. "Thanks." I smiled at her. My smile wasn't forced, because I was so thankful for her. And it was the first real smile I could remember having in the longest time. She was perfect. It was like she had come into my life at the exact right time. She fit into everything that was me and we fit together.

She smiled back. "You'll be great."

I nodded as the song ended and then walked up to the stage leaving Santana by the stairs.

Tina followed me up. She was going to play the piano. I pulled up a stool and set it next to the microphone. And then I looked out off the stage. The bar wasn't too busy, since it was early still. Only eight. But a few customers were watching me with the most curious eyes. It was like they knew that I had never sung before.

I took a seat on the stool and pulled the microphone closer to me. And then I sat on my hands, because that was what Santana had done when she had sung that scientist song. I looked at Santana. She was standing right by the stage, where I had left her, and her eyes were locked to me. She smiled and waved.

I smiled and waved back. Another real smile. It was a half-smile, and not as big as hers, but it was still real. And then I looked back out to the audience. They were all still at their booths or tables and just casually waiting and watching.

"Hi." My voice was heavy and didn't shake an inch. I _still_ wasn't nervous, scared, worried. I just wanted to sing and I wanted to tell Santana what I haven't been able to say. I wanted her to know what I felt, because I haven't been able to communicate it

I took a breath.

I had lost my mom before I could figure out how to talk to her. So I would be damned if I didn't say every single thing I wanted to say to Santana. I would spill my heart to her and I would let her have everything.

The thought startled me. I think it was the word _mom. _That had startled me. I hadn't even said, let alone thought it since … awhile.

"This song is called _Let it Be_. My friend Rachel helped me practice." I looked to the bar and saw Rachel standing there. She looked terrified. I saw Quinn standing right by her. I couldn't read her expression. Not completely. But she watched me. "I'm singing it to someone special." That's all I wanted. To sing to Santana. She was my special someone and even if it wasn't ideal how everyone found out about that, that was okay. It didn't make her any less special. "Be ready to push those white buttons Tina." I tried to help lighten myself, because I knew I sounded so sad.

Tina smiled and nodded.

I took a breath. I knew the words. I wasn't going to forget them. I was going to sing them. It was hard to forget things this important. Impossible actually.

I took another deep breath. The first part of the song started without music. Just me singing.

"_When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me…speaking words of wisdom, let it be._" I took another breath. _"And in my hour of dark-,"_ my voice shook. I stopped singing. I took a weak breath, sniveled, and started that line over. _"And in my hour of darkness, she is standing right in front of me,"_ my voice was barely hanging on, _"speaking words of wisdom. Let it be..."_ I took a heavy gulp and prayed that Tina started the piano.

When she didn't I looked at her and nodded for her to start. She creased her forehead and eyed me. It was the first time she had questioned something I said or did since what had happened.

"Please," I whispered.

She sighed, turned back to the piano, and started playing.

"_Let it be,"_ my voice was so shaky and I knew I wasn't singing on key at all, _"let it be, let it be, let it be…let it be."_ I looked to Santana.

It was hard to find her at first. She was crying. Her eyes were so red and her tears were pulling her makeup down her cheeks.

I snapped my eyes away from her. It made my chest crack and a sob break through.

Tina stopped playing.

I twisted and jerked my attention to her. "Please. Tina." I whispered. "Keep going, please."

I couldn't stop now.

She clenched her jaw, but she went back to looking at her sheet music and started again.

"_Whisper words of wisdom, let it be."_ I whispered into the mic because it was the only way I was able to get my voice out.

I looked up and back at the bar. Rachel was gone. And then I looked to Quinn. She was standing there with her hand covering her mouth and her body was shaking with those soft and silent cries that hurt more than the loud cries.

I couldn't sing anymore. I couldn't. I couldn't keep myself together. I tried to look for Santana, but my eyes slammed shut and I started to sob. Tears were falling from my eyes and my nose was running. I coughed up the tears caught in my throat.

Not two sobs later, Santana was right by me. She wrapped her arms around me, helped me stand off the stool and walked me off the stage.

She took me to the back. I kept my head down. I didn't like crying in front of people, but it wasn't like I wanted to stop. I wanted to cry. I wanted this. I wanted it.

I heard the swinging door behind the bar creak open. And then when we stopped walking, Santana wrapped her arms around me again and I buried my head into her chest. "Can, w-we sit down?" I forced through my cries. My body was shaking so bad. I felt like everything was falling out and I wasn't sure how much longer I could hold myself up.

We sat right there on the floor. She sat cross-legged and laid my ear against her chest.

I could hear my sobs echo through the back.

Someone else's hand touched my back.

I opened my eyes and peeked up from Santana.

Quinn was crouching right next to us. She smiled through her dried tears.

Rachel walked over sat on her knees right by Santana and she wrapped her arms around everyone and hugged us. I laughed through a cry, because the thought of Santana letting Rachel hug her was kind of funny. And the thought of Quinn letting Rachel hug her was even funnier.

They let me cry forever it felt like. Rachel didn't stand up even though I'm sure her legs were cramping. And neither Santana nor Quinn made Rachel stop hugging. Even Mercedes and Tina had sat down close to us and Mercedes grabbed my hand and I think she was praying for a second.

Praying was nice of her. It was about asking and wishing and hoping that someone gets what they need. That simple.

My tears stopped. And everything stopped. That feeling was gone. The one that I couldn't get rid of and that had kept digging at me. It was gone. I had them. I had friends. And I had Santana. I had people and even though I had lost one of the most important people in my life I still had a whole bunch of other people who were important too.

"Look at us…" I spoke and my voice scratched.

All the girls giggled.

I lifted off of Santana and everyone slowly stirred and stood their way up.

"I for one am not looking forward to serving the customers the rest of the night, cause we just looked like a total crazy-mess." Mercedes joked and rubbed my back and it made us all giggle again. "Girl, you have one hell of a heart. I was in tears before you even started singing."

"You sure do." Rachel reached over and grabbed my hand.

Another tear fell, but it wasn't a sad one. It was a good one. Finally. I wiped it away with the back of my hand and before my hand was even down at my side, Santana grabbed it and linked her fingers through mine.

"I'm still worried about moving in with you girls," Santana spoke and helped me stand up. "But I guess since we all just hugged it won't be as bad as I think it will be. And I still can't believe you agreed to this Quinn."

The girls laughed again and Quinn rolled her eyes. Santana was joking. She knew, and I knew that being around these people was the best thing in the entire world.

_**The End of Part I**_

**xxxxXXXXx**

_**a/n : **_**So, I just wanted to thank everyone who's been reading! I love the reviews you have left me. They mean so much! And yes…This is the end of Part I, meaning that there will be a Part II. I just felt that it was necessary to finish this part of the story here. **

**The sequel is posted "A View From The Fire" - Check it out :)**

**Also, you can follow me on my tumblr: www . frogsrcool . tumblr . com **

**Feel free to ask me questions there and that's probably the best way to know the status on the sequel. : ) **

**And more than ever I would love to hear your feedback on this chapter. **

**Thank you all again. Thank you Stephanie for beta'ing ! : ) You're amazing!**

**And thank you lingeringlilies for helping me get through this chapter. Thank you a million times. **

**This has been an AMAZING story to write and share. Incredibly amazing. At times I've struggled to get through chapters and I'm so glad that I got through them. The feedback I get, the private messages I've gotten, the stories, the things people say…it's incredible and I really do truly thank you. So please, if you want to share anything, leave a review for others to read, send me a message if it's private, anything, because this story is more personal to me than you could ever imagine. For people to connect with it and send me such sweet things is like a dream come true.**


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